Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Mark, Mollie & I saw Hypnogaja last night at the Blind Pig. Bryan & Chris were supposed to go, but they cancelled due to hard days & dead bunnies. Elvis & her girlfriend were supposed to show, but never did. I hope they're ok. It was great to see Jason & Mark again (from the band). Mollie & I got the new cd, and a poster, and had the whole band sign both. They couldn't hang out after the show, which sucked, but we were all kind of tired, so it was ok at the same time. Oh, and Aut Bar bartender Matt was there too, and he knew Mark & Jason as well. I guess Mark & Jason met him a few years ago too, and then saw him at Aut Bar last night. I'm bummed that I didn't go now. I wish I'd known they were there because I never get to see them.

Working Sunday night was way STRESSful. We were really busy, and we had so much stuff to get done. We got a lot of the stuff done. I was late to work, but I got a ton of stuff done. I did all the returns, straighted the bulk of games, all the wall; stocked popcorn & soda, sold 6 bundles, which was way more than everyone else...and I covered the front while the pv's were done. Besides hustling all that stuff, there were some major assholes in the store that night. One guy asked what the receipt said, and when I tried to read it to him (he said he left his glasses at home), he yelled at me and said I was kind of 'Jumpy', and I said he was kind of 'rude'. He yelled some more, which didn't impress me, and then left in a huff. I just looked around, but then Nate & Andrea both told me that this same man has yelled at both of them seperately, under different, but equally lame circumstances, so then I felt like I was finally in the club as well. Another guy came in asking if he could return his movies at the store, and I looked at them, and they were obviously movies that he had bought, because they still had the security seal on top, though they had been opened. I asked if he had his receipt, but then he said that he bought them at Barnes & Nobel. I looked at him strangely, and he asked if we didn't give store credit or something for used movies, which I agreed that we did. I opened one of the movies, and there was some substance smeared all over the disc, which was both disturbing, and disgusting. When I showed him the disc he said that it would wash right off, and that I should clean it. I told him that this wasn't part of our arrangment for taking in 'used' dvds - they have to be in good condition when we get them - we don't clean them. The other dvd, "The Simple Life" had a pubic hair inside of it. I told him there was no way I was taking that one either, for obvious reasons. Later, Andrea said that he's in all the time, and that he's always kind of creepy, which is why she was glad I was taking care of him. Great. lol There were a couple of great customers (especially right after the yelling guy left, who made fun of him for being a jerk), but the majority were either psycho or annoying. Great job, that.

Oh, and I thought I had lost my phone, but it was in the car. Which is good because I was supposed to call Bradlee. Brad had called me on Saturday to catch up. I went to meet him once, when I had a huge crush on him, and he was kind of cruel, and he hurt me. Later, a friend of mine went out with him, and said something horrible to him, which he didn't mean to be horrible, and felt bad about, and when I heard about it, it made me feel better. lol But Brad apologised for that, which was really nice of him. One thing led to another and our mutual past crush (which he sublimated last time) seemed to be returning with a vengence, but after the phone conversation I remembered some stuff that he had told me previouslly, which made me doubt that our reunion would really lead to anything stable. Plus he mentioned he was a bottom, and while I enjoy topping, I like to get fucked... So, that seemed to be a problem as well. Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but to say that it isn't an important aspect of one, at least for me, is a lie.

So, I call Bradlee and we talk some more, and had tentative plans for Monday night. He's still coughing, which he told me on Saturday was because he's an ex smoker who went to a smokey bar the night before. Monday rolls around and I don't really feel like driving to Adrian; I try to call my sister to make plans to stop by there, which is another reason I was going out there, but she never answers the phone. I had major trouble sleeping on Monday, so I'm really beat... But I feel like I don't want to cancel on Brad, when he calls to cancel the plans himself, because he's getting more symptoms and doesn't think he's up to it, and doesn't want to give me anything. That's fine with me, because even though I wanted to see him, we could still talk on the phone, and that would solve all my problems.

So we talk. And we talk some more. And the things that I think might be problems are discussed. And he seems upset, and agrees that they are problems. We're obviously both disappointed by this. The thing he had told me before was that he didn't enjoy sex, which is fine, except that I really do. He had mentioned that he liked to go really slow in a relationship, and that he liked to really take time to know and love a person before making love to them so that it became a kind cathartic, amazing...thing. And I could except that, but...I can go slow, and I can take my time, but I told him that I wanted to know if his opinion of sex had changed, because I wanted to know that if we did date, and we did go slow, and fall in love and then, after all that - that sex would be a factor in our relationship, and he felt that I was "putting him on the spot". He said that talking about 'just sex' (while I felt we were talking about sex in the context of a relationship) made him feel ill. And that was a huge red flag to me, because I express myself through sex; it informs my poetry, and much of my conversation, and I've fought for the right of that expression all of my life...so I didn't know how we could be together without me making him uncomfortable on a regular basis, which sucked, because I am attracted to him, and I do like him as a person, and all the other things that he thought I'd have a problem with (he's not goth anymore, he's gained a lot of weight, and he likes to go really slow) don't bother me in the slightest - in fact one other thing he said about himself, that was obviously meant to disuade me, actually turned me on beyond the telling of it. Those who know me, can probably figure out what that is ;-0) But I have a problem with him not being able to discuss sex, let along have it. I mean, communication is supposed to be a good thing, and in this case it really has been, despite the disappointment on both sides, because now we both know that it really wouldn't have worked out. He also told me that he felt like I was making the sex thing an issue, and maybe I was...because it IS an issue for me. And I don't think that's weird; I think that's pretty normal. And that anyone who found out that someone they were considering dating didn't enjoy sex would want to discuss, and maybe not pursue the relationship as a result. He says that he's a great guy (and he is) and that he's smart and caring and all of that, which is great, and that he feels that people are kind of shallow to not want to date him based soley on this part of his life... And I think that's kind of a crock. I mean...what makes a relationship more than a friendship? I know that it isn't just sex... But that's a part of it, isn't it? And if you become involved with someone (who insists on monogomy, by the way) who has a lot of personal issues with sex, and may not have sex with you, even though he wants to, because you initiate it instead of him - and you have no outlet but him based on his rules - how is that a relationship? It sounds kind of childish and shallow to me... That would drive me crazy. And I don't feel shallow for wanting sex to be part of a relationship. I'm not talking about going out and getting laid by a bunch of different guys; I'm talking about sex between 2 people who are committed to each other, and who trust and love one another, who've spent time buliding that trust, and love - how is that shallow? If you knew that after you came to trust and love and care for and protect and depend on someone as your partner, and that they probably wouldn't want to have sex with you as much as you wanted it - maybe never - and that they weren't all that compatable with you, even if by some chance they did - leaving you with no sexual outlet except yourself - - and you knew this in advance of ever dating them, that doesn't seem like a silly reason to not get involved with them.

We were both unhappy about this and he said he had to go to bed. He called me back later, telling me he thought my reasons for not seeing him shallow and wrong. He said that he felt, that when men reacted in this way that they were shallow and wrong, and felt good to have expressed that. I pointed out that this was another thing we disagreed on. And that it was best if we remained friends, or became friends as the case may be. He again said he had to go to bed, though he didn't sound as upset this time. I was disappointed about the whole thing - he's awesome, and attractive and we both seemed to be on the same page, until all this was discussed and we found out we weren't really reading the same book or in the same library - but I also felt some relief that I had bypassed the heartache that would have resulted from our relationship.

I was online chatting with Jonathan on yahoo, and he was at gay.com, so I went there as well, and friended his profile. While I was there I saw a friend in the Ann Arbor room and popped in to say hello to him, and Bradlee arrived. When I privated him, he said he couldn't sleep, but then left shortly after that. I haven't heard from him since that night, but I didn't really expect to.

Mollie & DJ are coming over to play the Buffy board game, and I'm so looking forward to that. I'm worried that DJ will cancel. That would suck because Mark took the day off of work so that I wouldn't have to pick him up during the game. Also, it would be really annoying for me, and for Mollie who set aside time just for this. DJ wants to watch Buffy while we play, and it's possible that since I last saw him he's watched the entire final season of Angel; lol. I love that he loves the show.

I'm going back to bed...I think.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:14 AM
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