Monday, June 5, 2006

I didn't get much sleep on Saturday. I tried scanning my pictures, but I screwed it all up (after hours of work); I didn't even want to look at my computer. I took a nap for about an hour. I started cleaning my room. My room is never really dirty, but it gets cluttered with clothes and stuff. I kind of like the ritual of cleaning my room. It makes me wonder about my mother and why she insists on keeping her house dirty. When I lived with my parents, it was actually hard to clean and not get punished for it. How backwards is that? When I left home I was super messy, and some people might think that I still am, but I will never be as messy as my mother; we're talking layers of dirt and grime, where she eats, sleeps, and bathes. I'm just a little clutterd, and I can deal with that. ;-0)

Jeremy called while I was cleaning to find out exactly what the plan was for the night. We put the plan together...together. He had been working; Saturdays are always the busiest for him. We decided to meet at The Elbow Room, and then come back here. I was excited about seeing him. I finished cleaning my room, shaved & showered, picked a hot outfit, and then changed again when I realized it was pouring rain. I got to the bar about 10 minutes before Jeremy, which gave me a minute or two to chat with Elvis on my own. It was great seeing Jeremy interacting with friends, and it was great hearing him say he wanted to meet others in the future, and that we had plenty of time. There was plenty of great conversation. We got to meet Lisa, Elvis's girlfriend, and she was fun. Elvis's band was fantastic; much better than the other times I've seen her play; it made me sad that it was their final show (their drummer is heading to L.A.), because I'd have liked to see them play again.

During the show I wanted to lick Jeremy from head to toe. I seriously considered jumping him in the mens room, but I settled for a kiss. He told me he'd been deprived of public displays of affection, so if he was uncomfortable or something - that was why. It made me sad. It made me want to hold him. He constantly says stuff like that and I just want to console him.

After the show, Jeremy, Lisa, Elvis & I hit the alley with these girls who all know Anthony, which in itself was kind of weird, and we smoked some weed. That felt good. Smoking with him, and Elvis - with people I care about - I love that. Laughter & hugs, and photos... Then Jeremy followed me to Kroger so I could pick up condoms and a candle. The condoms were for this idea that I had, which we didn't get to try out, but the candle was used to dramtic effect. I don't love scented candles; they often just make me want to hurl, but we found a Green Tea one, which was actually really nice.

When we got home, I still had a nice buzz, and we sat in the livingroom and chatted. I got a voicemail from Tracy, thanking me for the other night, which made me smile, and I talked to Jeremy about him. It was still weird, sitting with this boy that I'd wanted for so long, and here we were, chatting it up like we were dating. Lisa asked us earlier if we were a couple or just friends, & I didn't know how to answer. Jeremy took the ball, and said that we were more than friends. I had explained it to Elvis when I saw him enter the bar, so she already knew the story. Mark came down after a while and met Jeremy. He was going to offer him something to drink, but I'd already supplied him with water. Mark chatted with us for awhile before heading back to his room to read his Da Red Evil comic books.

Around this time, Jeremy gave me something...it was, probably the tackiest thing anyone's ever given me. It could have been considered cruel, only it wasn't intended to be. It was still cause for some concern... But this is where it got all kinds of confusing, because before I even felt truly horrible - before it even registered, he realized he'd made a mistake, and when he saw the pain in my eyes, he just...he was so naked.... I mean he tried to take it back, and I was dumbfounded; just in this flux of overwhelming sensation; I was numb. I felt like I should be alone, but when I looked in his eyes, he was crying...because he had hurt me. So I felt insulted, and then confused, and then hurt, and then amazed and grateful & protective and then all of those things at once only to a degree that nothing could have prepared me for, so I was pretty much gone the rest of the night. I just couldn't get back to myself. I couldn't process it all, and it was just so...surreal.

I took him to my room, and layed in his arms...and I touched him, and kissed him, but it was like I wasn't there. I lit the candle, and everything looked beautiful, and everything was still intense and off kilter, but it was like I couldn't stop. Touching helped quiet the madness. When we slept together; actually sleeping...things began to feel a little better. And when we woke they were mostly fine, except for flashes in which my damned memory kept hitting me over the head with last night's baggage. But at least it wasn't flooding throuh my brain like the night before.

I still felt weird, but stuff was beginning to sink in. When we touched this time, I did my damnedest to put that shit aside, and I most got through it. The shower & conversation after was nice. Mark joined us briefly after we dressed, and then I walked Jeremy to his car. I felt good. I was going to wash my sheets (again) but they smelled like Jeremy, so I layed down and took a nap. When I woke, I jacked off, took a shower, and then started scanning pictures again.

About 2 hours before I had to go to work, I realized I was in no shape to go in (I don't want to get into that). I called in, and thankfully, Heidi said she'd close for me. She's such a sweetheart. I later wrote her a poem. I'll have to get some artwork finished soon so I can post the new poems. I scanned a little over 2 rolls of film; it takes hours to do it, and I mostly can't stand doing it - but a lot of people want copies, and I wouldn't be a very good friend if I put it off forever.

I got a voicemail from Carrie; I guess she finally asked out her guy, and he said YES!!! She's been moaning about him for like a year now, and so I know she must be so happy! ;-0) I'm happy for her.

I had rented the first disc of Smallville on Friday, and then at the bar Saturday night it was playing on the tv. Jeremy said that he & Danny have the first 4 seasons on DVD. I told him I had just rented the first disc. We always have weird things like that. The shirt that I was going to wear before the rain; he has it too. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow/today at 9am. He has one at 9:50. Anyways...Mark wanted to get me out of my room, and make sure that I ate something. We watched the first 2 episodes of Smallville; Mark went to bed, and I watched the 3rd, then came up here and wrote this.

I like watching Smallville, knowing that Jeremy has seen it. How sappy am I? I started writing some poetry for him, but it's not finished. I started writing one for Tracy the other day and it's not finished. I've started like 30 poems lately that aren't finished. lol I'm mostly over the whole gift from HELL incident. At the time, I thought that after he left, I might not want to see him again... Only I really do. I want to know him, and I want him to know me. And I while I certainly have naughty thoughts about him (indeed, I'm having them right now), I want there to be times where we just hang out...though I don't know that my body will agree to that.

Ok. So today I have the dentist appointment. And it looks like I'll probably be driving Mark to Toledo Thursday night so he can take a bus to see Marcus, which frees me up for work on Friday & Sunday, and gives me the car for the wedding on Saturday. I'll have to get Monday off though because I'll be picking Mark up on Monday morning around 5am and I won't get any sleep. It's possilbe all this planning will change again; we have a few days to decide everything.

I thought I'd scan some more pictures, but I feel like I could sleep, and I probably should as I have that early appointment. I'll wash my sheets later today, but for now they're still comforting, skanky as that may be. I know Tracy has the day off, and he wanted to see me. Perhaps he can soothe the wackyness spiraling out of me? I hope we can at least be good friens; he amuses me, and that's a good thing.

I need to sleep. stat.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:07 AM
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