Thursday, July 27, 2006

After the last entry, I took Jeremy's present(s) down to Mark so he could wrap them; I can't wrap things...not if I want them to look good. On the way out of my room one of the gifts got caught in the doorway and sliced my belly open :-0( It's just a scratch, but it hurts.

I took a shower.

Ok, from here, until the last 3 paragraphs or so, this post is about Jeremy, and me figuring stuff out - or just getting it out there, so for anybody not interested in that - feel free to stop now, and skip to the end, or just wait for the next entry. ;-0)

I was thinking about the day, and Jeremy. I miss dating Jeremy, back before meeting Seth; before the lie was known, and before... Just before. Our time together is fun; it really is, and I enjoy it, but it's different. Everything changes of course. But there are walls between us now; at least there seem to be. Those walls are there for a reason; to protect us, and keep us from falling into each other when we're not ready - but I'm starting to feel like I did when I first met Jeremy. Back then I could look at him but not touch him. Now there is TOUCHING going on, but there are parts of him that I can't reach, and I'm not supposed to, and it's distracting and annoying. Perhaps I'll get used to this, and it won't be a big deal. But I liked it when he referred to me as his boyfriend, and told people we were dating - even if that isn't what we planned on. I liked seeing him get so excited to see me and spend time with me - and it's not like he doesn't seem happy to spend time with me now - but there was this whole GLOW factor which seems slightly less bright of late. We're friends now because I broke up with him, and then said I wanted to be friends. I'm not whining exactly, I'm just trying sort out what I'm feeling, because it's very confusing. It's complicated; like all relationships I suppose. But I feel very close to him, and I care about him. But I've never felt this way for anyone who had a "boyfriend". It's true that their relationship mirrors my relationship with Mark (maybe this is Karma at work?), and part of my feeling of closeness with Jeremy even stems from that, but they still refer to each other as boyfriends, while Mark & I made that separation when it first became apparent that we couldn't be that to each other. And yet, Jeremy being close with Danny doesn't bother me either, just because I know what it's like to date someone for a very long time, and then still live with them, and still be close to them, and still have all the same problems, even while slipping up now and again and trying to make it work. I know all of that stuff intimately! So, I get it. The ways we're alike have always enthralled me, I think - but sometimes they're a bit overwhelming too.

And I miss him reading my blog. He used to struggle to keep up to date on it, and now I don't think he does. I didn't expect him to before actually; it wasn't ever something that I required, but when he'd tell me that he was actually investing time in reading it; it made me smile, and feel really great.

Hmmmm.

Jeremy is a great guy. He's a really busy guy, who does a lot of great work, helping a great many people. I'm very idle by comparison. I'm very introspective, and I spend a lot of my time sort of dealing with all kinds of issues that plague me, while he helps others and avoids a lot of his problems thusly. He's trying though, which pleases me; I want him to be good. I want him to be able to look at himself; really look at himself, and know himself, and love himself. That's what I want most for him.

Jeremy is hot. Something about his body, and him just being him, really turns me on. Our sex is really great. I think a lot of that has to do with how open we've been with each other; it's challenging to be that open, and there are definite rewards, which we've reaped at every opportunity. There are also all these parts of our lives which are so alike, that a lot of people just don't get - but we both do, because we're virtually the same in those areas that others scoff at. It's very comforting to know that someone else has experienced these things and survived - and I can share that with him. It's very compelling. I think it adds an intensity to all of our more intimate moments.

He's not ready for, and may never be ready for, a commited monogamous relationship. That's been a problem with most of the men that I've dated. But he's struggled to be as honest as possible about this. He did lie about it once. And he did keep other things from me, but the latter was because I wasn't as clear as I meant to be about what I wanted and needed to know. That may sound like an excuse, but it's not; I just get what he means; like always, it seems.

Now, I like the idea of being monogamous; that's something that I've always strived for, and I've never been comfortable having an open relationship, and when I'm dating someone I don't feel very comfortable seeking out other partners, and why that is, I don't know. I cheated once, and I hated it. Of course there's a lie involved in cheating, and guilt. I told my partner the truth as soon as I saw them though, because I knew that I'd made a horrible mistake in not talking about my problems - when that's what I should have done in the first place, but I didn't even realize the problems were there. It was a revelation, and a painful one, for both of us. Would it have made a difference if I'd been open about it? I don't know. And there was a time, much later, when I finally knew exactly who I wanted to be with - that I encouraged that person to explore other partners because I wanted him to be as sure about me as I was about him - but he refused - and said that he already knew. The only thing I required from him, to make that exploration work for me, was his honesty, and his openess where his partners were concerned. Maybe that's what I need now.

Not being mongamous scares me a little. Sexually. I know that Jeremy plays things pretty safe. But we don't have protected oral sex. And where I felt completley safe with him in that arena before; I'm not sure I do now. So that's an issue. It's one thing to accept that risk when you & your partner are dating and you're not seeing anyone else. It's another thing to go down on someone who's had sex with random people the week before, the day before, or the day of...

I'm also worried about him blacking out. What if he had unprotected anal sex with someone in that time? What if he did any number of things? And this isn't just selfish; I don't want him to be hurt! It scares me to think of the trouble he could get into. I care about him, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

I love seeing him smile.

And I love our conversations, when we get to have them. Those are usually in my room; when we can talk about anything. That's a huge turn on. For instance, I know that I could talk to him about anything that I've written so far, in this blog, and many things that I haven't. We're just really cool like that. He's seen me when I've felt very vulnerable and during each of those encounters he's been thoughtful, and kind, and respectful. And I very much want to do the same for him, and I think I have in some instances, and I'd like to continue being that for him.

I guess I get the birthay thing. He'll turn 29 before I finish this post. 29 means in a year he'll be 30, which seems like a huge milestone in someone's life. I thought it would be for me, because I never expected to live that long, and then it just...wasn't. I realized, for myself, that all of the things that other people seem to want to have by that time in their lives just doesn't hold the same sway for me. I feel a little bad that I haven't gone to school more, but that's really the only thing. I feel like I'm not really racing other people, or that if I was, I'd already have won, because my course has been so full; emotionally. My memory has kept me very in tune with my past, and how I've dealt with that...and that's been my journey. While most people seem to forget parts of their lives, and just move on; I've explored those paths, and will continue to do so - I'll go where ever I'm called. And that's all I require of myself.

I feel really good having written this out, but I wish Jeremy was here so I could share it with him, and hold him, and kiss him, and...well, you get the idea. I know it would rock beyond the telling of it, after something like this. ;-0)

"I want to feel you from the inside."

Ok. I need to get dressed; go to the grocery store; and get gas in the car. I'm really glad I have this blog, because I feel great now.

Ooh. Mark & I are trying to plan a trip to Mackinack in late August. I know that the two of us would be going, plus Mollie does tend to join us, and I want her there. I don't know if the rest of our friends are up for the trip or not? I know that Karen wants to go. Do Carrie & Adam want to go? I don't know.

We also want to take a trip to Chicago with everybody. I want to take a day and go to Greenfield Village, and Jeremy would like to go too, which sounds like a lot of fun to me. I also want to go to Cedar Point sometime; I miss roller coasters! And we need to play some damned Lazer Tag!

Ok. I'm off.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:43 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]