Friday, August 11, 2006

Wednesday night, after coming home to find Jeremy in my room, we talked and talked & talked; well, after we showered anyways. It was weird. I was so hungry. I was so tired. I was so horny. I felt like I was being bitchy, but Jeremy says that I wasn't. We didn't have sex. I told him all about Justin; Jeremy wanted details, and he liked what I gave him. I told him he probably wouldn't get that from me that often; I don't connect with guys on that level on a regular basis... Jeremy told me about his latest sexual adventure. I want him to be able to tell me anything. And if it stings a little, I'm ok with that. The reason I broke up with him in the first place was that he needed me as a friend far more than he needed me as a boyfriend, if that makes any sense... Jeremy & I fell asleep around 3am. When morning forced Jeremy to leave, I walked him downstairs, and we had this physical connection, and he went down on me, which felt great. I told him that if he wanted to continue this, we should go in my room, as I didn't want to upset Mark. Or I said he could go, and we could continue it on Saturday; that it wasn't a big deal. He really needed to go, and I knew that.

I went back to sleep, and woke up without a lot of time to get ready for work, or eat or anything. Mark picked me up, and then dropped me off at work. I worked with Jeff & Bobby. Later, Matt came in. He had taken one of Andrea's shifts for extra hours, and then she showed up too, because she forgot. I got some pictures. Andrea then let slip that she's leaving us at the end of the month! Apparently everyone knew but me. :-0( It sucks. She left a little while later, and later Joe joined us. I took my lunch fairly early, and ate tons, while watching the beginning of ALIENS. I haven't actually watched the movie in years; just talked about it, and remembered it, so it was odd, actually seeing it. At the end of my shift, about 40minutes before Mark could pick me up (in the rental car the dealership was all but forced to give us), I punched out and continued with ALIENS...until Mark arrived.

He drove me back to our car, which was at his work, then I drove the rental car, while Mark drove our car to the dealership so I could drive us home. When we got home, John & Tui were out in front of their condo and we talked about the election, and politics, but my right leg, which had been hurting all day, was bugging me, so I took my leave and sat at my computer where I could read my e-mail, and then scan pictures.

When I was done with all that, I was feeling kind of depressed. I'd been thinking a lot about my hospital stay in 1992, and I couldn't get the memories out of my head. Then Justin never called about his going away party. I didn't know what to think about Jeremy. And I just wanted to be numb, but I really couldn't be. People say I'm strong, but I have weak moments like everybody else; I just have good friends, and I have my ways of dealing.

I thought seeing people would help me, so showered, and shaved, and I went to the Aut Bar. The 2nd Thursday of every month is a Euchre night at Aut Bar, and I know the players though I always miss the part where I could join in. This time was no different, but I hung out with them (Chris [25], Brendan & Andy are the ones that I know), and then my friend Robert showed up just before the Euchre buds left. I was feeling tired, so I said I was going to see if there was anybody I knew upstairs and then leave.

Jeremy was upstairs. Apparently I had just missed Kim. I called her, but she was going to bed. She's coming over on my birthday to see me, and also to get a picture of her in her new outfit taken. (if Mark is reading this, Kim sends you big kisses & hugs) This really sucked though, because I'd been there for hours at this point, and I could have been chilling with Kim & Jeremy. Jeremy was tipsy, and using the L word a lot. He told me again and again that he's not worth loving, and that he's a horrible person, and it was just so sad, and painful. I didn't back down, and I refused to leave him at the bar, as he talked about driving home, and he was in no shape for that; and he drank right up untilt he end. Apparently he and Danny were fighting yesterday, and Jeremy didn't want to go home. He told me he didn't want to hurt me but that he wanted to go home with someone and screw; someone other than me. That way he wouldn't have to think or feel, as he does with me. He pointed out the boys in the bar that he would "settle for". These were guys that he didn't think were horrible looking, but that he didn't really find attractive. He told me he loved me (again, and again) but then told me not to take it to heart. He hit on a several boys over the course of my vigil. At least one of them had hit on me earlier and while Jeremy lied through his teeth about his religion to get in bed with him, he kept looking back to me, like he felt sorry for me, having to deal with this, while he kind of egged on Jeremy, which pissed me off. Jeremy was in the bathroom with one guy (Abraham) for awhile. But I couldn't leave him. I didn't want anything bad to happen to him, and he kept asking me why not? He kept telling me to let him wrap his car around a tree. I was almost crying, but I was too determined to keep him from driving home to acknowledge the pain I was feeling. He kept screaming that I was trying to keep him from driving home, and that he just wanted to drive! But everybody at the bar, EVERYBODY...kept telling him that he shouldn't drive, and that he should let his friend take him home with him.

We stayed for awhile after the bar closed, and then I saved him from stumbling down the stairs outside! Twice! He sat down on the pavement, and refused to come home with me. He said he would sleep on the pavement. I told him that if he stayed there, then I'd have to stay there too, even though I was cold and uncomfortable. He screamed at me to leave him alone, and to stop caring about him. He said horrible things. Things I can't even repeat here. Then he said he would sleep in his car, but I didn't want to leave him there when he could just leave in 10 minutes and crash, and I'd have to feel responsible for that for the rest of my life! His bathroom buddy, Abraham, (whom Jeremy proclaimed his lust for at the top of his lungs, both in & outside the bar, much to the amusement of a gaggle of guys) helped me talk him out of driving, which was really great of him. Jeremy said he could stay at WRAP, and he would give his keys to Abraham, and that Abraham could come check on him. It was obvious that he wanted Abraham to do more than check on him. It was like I wasn't even standing there. I was invisible. Abraham got his keys from him, and told him that he'd give him the keys in the morning, then he turned to me privately and told me that I was a really great friend, and asked if I could make sure Jeremy got his car keys around 8am, and I said that it wasn't a problem. Jeremy didn't hear that I had his keys, but he sounded content to stay at WRAP, asking us to lock and close the door behind us. He sounded comfortable, and ready for bed. We left Jeremy there, and I have his keys.

Well, I wanted to be numb. Now I am. I'm so drained. Now I'm not remembering the hospital; I'm reliving it. I don't know why I don't break. I don't know why I survive. I sometimes wish that I hadn't. But is there anyone who doesn't think those things? It's just been a bad night. I should sleep. I have to be up early, after all.

I hope Jeremy will be alright.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:30 AM
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