Friday, August 11, 2006

17 minutes after the last entry, I was asleep, when the phone rang. It was Jeremy & he wanted his keys. He said he was freaking out, and just needed his keys, and he needed to get home. I told him I'd come give him his keys, and then I'd drive him home, if that's where he wanted to go, but he kept insisting that he would drive. He sounded so fucked up, and I didn't know what to do. He kept talking about how Abraham had "just left him", when Abraham and I had left him together, and he'd asked us to go, and shut the locked door behind us. Just before I fell asleep, I had thought maybe that hadn't been the best thing to do, but there weren't a lot of options, and Jeremy was actually the one who suggested that he stay at WRAP for the night, and that he could give his keys to Abraham, but I think Jeremy thought that Abraham was going to stay with him, or come back and check on him. He kept going on & on about how Abraham had seduced him into staying. He sounded like a little boy, and it hurt me to hear what he was saying, and how he was saying it. I told him I'd be there in a little while.

I woke up Mark. I knew I needed help, and I wasn't afraid to ask for it. I knew that Mark cared about Jeremy; he wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him. I knew that even though Mark was asleep, and he had to work in the morning, that the sound of my voice, after crying, would rouse him to help me. I knew that Mark was detached enough that he would surrender Jeremy's keys to him, so I gave them to Mark, and asked if he could drive Jeremy's car to Jeremy's house, while I drove the rental, so that Jeremy could get home, have his car in the morning for work, and still not have to drive. Jeremy resisted the idea, a lot. But Mark stood firm, and said he was just doing the reponsible thing and helping out a friend. Jeremy rode with Mark, and I followed them. I still had that numb, exhausted feeling.

When we got to Jeremy's house, Mark & Jeremy said goodnight, then Jeremy came to me and said he wasn't upset, then said he was upset but that it didn't matter. He said he was pissed that he didn't know where his keys were, and that we had left him alone. But he practically screamed at me to leave him alone, and I told him I wouldn't as long as there was a possability that he might drive. He suggested staying at WRAP, and giving his keys to Abraham. I offered to bring him home with me so he could sleep, and I'd bring him back to his car in the morning, but he didn't want to be with me; he wanted Abraham; he told me that over & over. And when the happy compromise arrived with him telling us he was fine, and could we (Abe & I) leave, and bring him his keys at 8am, then I took it. I was so exhausted, and emotionally bruised, and he was fine with the idea, or seemed to be, and...ugh. The whole thing just hurt. I told him I did what I had to do to keep him safe, and alive. He said that he wasn't mad at us, and that we had done the right thing, and admitted that he shouldn't have driven home... He told me to thank Mark for him again. I told him to get some sleep, and left.

I told Mark that Jeremy had thanked him, and Mark said that the entire trip to his house, Jeremy had apologised, and thanked him. We talked about how worried we were about him. We talked about our pasts, and how they related to Jeremy's. Jeremy had told me earlier that we had been through so much of the same shit, but that somehow it had made me stronger, and that it had only damaged him. Mike, one of the hospital kids told me that, in relation to all the other kids, and their deaths. I was suffering some serious deja vu. I was crying. I was feeling all sorts of shit, and it was torn between feelings in the past, and feelings in the present.

When we got home, we sat in the car for awhile and talked about Mark's painful experiences with his father. It was like we were all trapped in some weird memory loop last night, and it sucked. When we went inside, I gave Mark a hug and told him to fire up the internet, as I wanted to update my blog, but then when he came upstairs, I told him I was actually going to bed, and I'd update it in the morning.

I woke up around 8:50am, when Mark was leaving for work. I had diarrhea. I think it was from the drinks I had the night before with no food. But it's possible that I have the flu, as one of the Euchre guys announced that he'd been sick for days, AFTER he had been hanging out with us for a couple of hours. Thanks Chris.

So I wrote this. It feels cold in my room, which is usually how I like it when I'm sleeping, but I feel like I can't get warm. I took one of my pills for my stomach. I'm going to go bury myself under my covers and try to not think about anything. Wish me luck with that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:32 AM
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