Thursday, December 28, 2006

I've been having recurring dreams about New York. I've never been there. I once promised a woman, long since dead, whom I met in an emergency room, that I'd go to Christopher Street in New York. I've always felt like I didn't actually have to go, since what she wanted me to see there was that being gay wasn't a crime, and that I wasn't a freak; that I wasn't alone. I've known that for years, and I feel that her message reached me, and that she'd be happy for me. Plus I really hate to travel. lol But these dreams are shaking me. Maybe they will pass. I don't know.

My best friend for the last decade or so, is leaving Michigan today. I don't know when I'll see her next. She has to go though, and I know it's for the best, but it hurts, and sucks in all kinds of ways. I went to her going away thing last night. I gave her some cash and a poem:

MOLLIE ANYMORE

She's leaving tomorrow
and I'm so filled with sorrow
that I can't cry or feel without falling apart...

So I'll just lay here weeping
'till I'm finally sleeping
I wish I could heal or I knew how to start...

For when I am broken
I always have spoken
to her for she knows me and what I adore...

And I know that I'm selfish
because I cannot help this:

"I can't be without my Mollie anymore."

Written By Jason Wright
DECEMBER 27, 2006

For Mollie Baker:
The sister I always wished for,
and the best friend that I've ever had.

Come Back To Me.

Soon.

Anymore.
-------------------

The 'anymore' thing is an inside joke. She told me that people in the South say 'anymore' at the end of sentences as if it were some kind of spoken punctuation.

I almost cried a dozen times at the gathering, which I'm pretty sure most everyone there noticed, though I tried to put on a brave face. It was the worst when I had to hug Mollie goodbye. She told me not to cry, because she would start crying. And then I left her, as we all walked towards our homes.

She sent me a very personal, very intense e-mail this morning, which I'd like to post here, but I'm not sure it's the proper place, so I won't. I really wish I could though. I never know what I can & can't post here. It's a bit confusing to me. Suffice it to say that it made me cry, and it was alright to cry because I was home alone, in my room, where I wouldn't be bringing everyone else down.

Saturday I had a kind of date with this guy I've known from online for about a year or so. He was so cool online, but we never found the time to hang out. I gave him my phone number ages ago, but he never called me. But we finally got things all worked out, and it was fun, and I liked him in person. He's just a great, fun, hot guy. But he's got some personal issues that have to do with an ex-bf who was a total dick to him, and the baggage from that is still very much with him. I don't know if we should just be friends, or what I should do... I really like him though.

I met this other guy (Michael) at Aut Bar a few months ago, but he was there with his boyfriend. I thought maybe we'd end up having a 3some. His boyfriend later tracked me down online, and sent me a pic of his own dick, and hit on me something fierce. But it kind of icked me out, as I knew he was still with the other guy, though online profiles he showed me, which had all been kept up to date, all claimed he was single, and looking for sex... So when I saw that guy in the bar not long ago I made sure to leave quickly.

But this Michael guy, he was cute, and funny, and HOT...he's a hairdresser, and he was there for a birthday party. Anyways, as I was leaving, the night I met him and his partner, Michael's gal pal, coworker, came up to me, and said she wanted to get my phone # for Michael. I said that seemed strange because he was leaving with his boyfriend, but she said that the boyfriend was a sleeze, and it wouldn't last, and that she knew that Michael has had a crush on me for years!?! I gave her the # but didn't expect anything to come of it. Only he called me last night. I couldn't talk because I was getting ready for Mollie's party, but I thanked him for calling, and told him we could hang out sometime. This kind of thing only ever happens when I've recently had a date. It's like I finally show up on the gaydar, and boys just hit on me right and left.

There was this boy at Pizza House last night who was hot, and I kept looking at him, and he kept looking at me, but that wasn't why I was there, and kept getting distracted (lol) by all the Mollie stuff...and getting weepy, and then laughing at stories, and I missed him as he was leaving. But that doesn't really matter. blah.

Haven't heard from Jeremy in ages. I should really track him down and force him to tell me what the fuck is going on with him.

I really, really, need to get ready for work.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:57 AM
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