Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? I mean...really looked at yourself, and saw yourself for who you are? Or maybe just what the world sees, but you never have. I just did that. I just looked at myself in a mirror and it was like I'd never seen myself before.

I'm a grown man. I'm remarkable. I don't mean to sound vain, because what I'm saying is that everyone is remarkable, and I don't know that any of us really see that. I'm a grown man.

My father jumped off of a parker garage a few years ago. I've never once wondered what it was that made him do it. I mean, he's crazy after all, but something changed for me when he did that. I've never thought about this before... But part of me hopes that the reason he jumped was that some part of him suddenly saw what he'd done to his children. Saw what he'd done to me. How I'm damaged. And he wanted to die. I can't touch the part of him that was the monster from my youth; it's never around when I see him. I hope the man I know now threw himself off that buliding to kill the man I can't hurt. I'm glad he jumped. I'm so glad he jumped. But I'm glad this other guy survived. Does that make any sense? I don't really care if it does or not, I guess. It's a feeling, and feelings don't always make sense.

I'm alive. I survived such horrible things. And I'm remarkable.

When I met Mark Adams, years and years ago now... I ate almost nothing. And I hated being alive. And there wasn't a single date we went on that I didn't cry. Can you imagine that? Mark didn't care. He saw in me, what I just saw in the mirror for the first time in my entire life. He saw through all the pain and bullshit and knew that I was remarkable, and he's never stopped telling me that I was. And I've never really believed it before.

I know Mark & I aren't ever going to be a couple again. There's too much that's wrong with us, between us, for that. But when people look at us, and wonder why we are so close and why we haven't parted, though the boyfriend relationship between us has ended...it's because he saved my life on more levels than anyone probably knows. He knew I was remarkable and wouldn't let me die, and wouldn't let me go until I could know that too. And I'm grateful.

Thank you Mark.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:48 PM
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