Sunday, November 18, 2007

I haven't written in nearly 3 weeks. In that time, I've nearly gotten over my cold symptoms; just a cough here or there now. I'm no longer with Lucas, who completely screwed me over. I'm preparing gifts for some close friends. I'm planning a party for a family member. I'm working. I'm dating. I'm excited about the final Sara Jane Adventure that will air tomorrow, and I'm reading yet another Star Trek book. In short, I'm ok.

About Luke. He texted me on Friday, October 26th (when I was at work), asking if I'd like to come over and stay the night at his new place in Toledo. I said sure. He assured me that he didn't have a cold, as he'd first thought, and that it was just allergies, which were now under control. He later called me again, and texted me a couple times (as he often did), one of text messages read simply: "I'm so happy." When I got to his new apartment (which, was kind of crappy), we watched part of Shortbus, which I'd brought with me, and then went to bed. I had gotten lost on the way to his place, and it was now around 3am I think. We had sex, which was good, like always, then he wanted to smoke a joint, and insisted I get dressed and go out with him. I was kind of shakey, because at that point, I'd had trouble eating for more than a week, and I'd started losing weight - which is never good for me. He kept jabbing me about going out with him though, so I went. I was cold and shivering, and he was smoking pot, and he had this huge coughing fit, which he blamed on the pot, but this is a guy who smokes pot constantly, so that seemed unlikely. We eventually went to sleep. I had really good dreams.

The next morning I met Luke's roomie Carrie Blum, who's a few years older than him. They met when they worked at McDonald's together, years before, I think. I didn't feel at all well, but chose to stay later than I had planned because there was a UofM Football game and I was timing my drive so that I wouldn't have to deal with the traffic. Luke told me that Carrie always steals his boyfriends, which I didn't understand. He asked if he could keep Shortbus, so he could finish watching it and show it to some friends. I was reluctant to leave it behind, but I figured it wasn't a big deal, and relented. I left around 3pm, making sure to get the flowers that Luke had given me the night before, with the nice note that read: "For the man I adore and cherish.... I want to get it right this time around xoxo Luke".

I got a pizza on the way home; thinking that if I could keep any of it down it would do me some real good...but the pizza tasted awful, and I only ate a small portion of it. I was feeling very depressed about my condition at this point, and just not happy about anything. Things with Luke seemed to be fine, but there was something just under the surface that I couldn't put my finger on, but my physical stuff was so bothersome that I thought I might just be imagining shit. This has happened to me before; I should have known better. Late that night, actually 3:05am Sunday morning, Luke texted me: "I am very drunk" and that was all.

Sunday, October 28th, I was so miserable that I called into work. I didn't realize I was coming down with a cold. The colds that I've gotten in the last few years, while annoying, haven't been that bad, because my diet has been a lot better. Well, now that wasn't true. And I couldn't eat anything to help myself. And all of this weighed on me greatly. Add to this, that I had a fever that I wouldn't comprehend for several days, and you can understand why I was kind of losing it at this point. Thankfully, Mark was here, and in his best of best friend modes. He took care of me better than anyone could have at that point, and it's proably the only reason I'm still here.

I had Monday the 29th off work. I stayed in bed. I was so cold, yet hot. And crazed. I felt a lot better for much of the morning, but then later things got worse very quickly. I was now almost certain that I'd caught a cold. I still didn't realize that I had a fever. I had taken my own temperature, and though the results clearly showed that I had a fever, my brain was so boiled that I didn't translate it as such. I was getting depressed again.

Mark called in to work for me on Tuesday, when I found that I had a fever of nearly 102. Mark figured it out when I asked for another blanket. My room is constantly hot, because only 1 tiny section of it faces the outside world, and that's all but covered up - with all my other walls shared by other people, 2 of which seem to love the heat. Mark knew right off that something was wrong when I was shivering in my room. I posted something about the fever in my myspace blog, as I'd posted some rather odd things in the last few days.

I still had a fever on Halloween Wednesday, and I called in again. I spoke to Bryan, who was also sick, and I was bummed that I wasn't feeling well on Halloween because I was going to dress all weird for work. My fever broke later that day. If you've never experienced such a thing, it's a kind of strange, but happy thing. You sweat a lot, and then you feel like you're back to normal, with things seeming a lot less intense and crazy. My voice, when it worked at all, still sounded odd, and my laughter, when I did laugh, sounded really scary.

Thursday was much the same, though my cold was brutal. And my voice was still mostly gone. On Friday, November 2, I called work and let them know that I could work if they needed me but that I'd prefer to not come in. DJ had answered, heard my voice, and all but insisted that I stay at home. lol. It made me feel slightly better to know that he knew that I wasn't just calling in for no reason. I could never fake that wretched sounding voice. lol

Around Friday, I realized that I hadn't heard from Luke since that short text message Saturday night, which was strange, because he was usually leaving me messages 24/7. The week before my visit to his new place he texted me 11 times, and left me several messages. I thought maybe he had read one of my blogs, and felt guilty that he'd given me a cold. Or perhaps, I had in some way made him ill after all, and he was just as sick as I was. I left him a voicemail letting him know I was sorry that I hadn't called, but that I'd had a horrible fever, but that I was slowly recovering. He didn't call me back. I left him another message the next day. Still nothing. I went to his myspace page on Monday November 5, and saw that he'd been on there that day. I sent him a myspace message entitled "What's goin on with Lucas?" which read:

I haven't heard from you in 8 days. The last message I did get was a text message telling me how drunk you were. I've left a couple of messages, but there's been no response, and I know you're not dead, because you logged into yoru myspace account today. I hope everything is alright. I'm still fighting a wicked aweful cold. :-0(

Bald Jason
http://www.gothboy.com

24 hours later there was till no response. But when you send a message to someone on myspace it lets you know if the recipient has read the message, which he had. I sent another message on Tuesday the 6th, titled "I see you got the message..." which read:

...so why no reply?

In the note you gave me with my flowers you said I was the man that you adore and cherish and that you wanted to get it right this time.

You're fucking it up.

Bald Jason
http://www.gothboy.com

I've never gotten a reply.

By Wednesday morning I'd pretty much written off Luke. It was obvious that for some reason it was over between us. He was getting my messages, but not responding. I could assume he was most likely not answering when I called, but I didn't know for sure. I wasn't in love with him, but it wasn't fun. And I had no idea what had changed. I remembered that I had left Shortbus at his apartment and was thinking of going back to his place to get it, but I honestly didn't feel physically up to driving out there. I talked to Mark about it, and figured I'd just order a new copy of the movie, and call it quits.

Wednesday evening, I was feeling a bit better. I hopped online to order the new copy of Shortbus, but the idea of paying for something that I already owned annoyed me. And the thought of Luke enjoying the movie that I'd left at his place annoyed me more. I called him, but he didn't answer. I took a breather; shaved and showered, and decided, though it was kind of late, I was going to drive out to Luke's and try to get my movie back...and maybe get some answers. I brought the flowers he'd given me with me. I figured if he chose to continue with the coward's routine and refused to answer his door that I could leave the flowers there as a clear message of finality.

The drive was mostly good. I actually felt better as I drove, and then worse, right before I got there. I was nervous about what I was doing. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe no one would be there, and I'd have paid for all that gas to drive there for nothing, yet I told myself that even if he wasn't there I might get some closure, and that this was goodbye.

When I got there, I knocked on the front door and Carrie answered. She remembered me and told me that Lucas wasn't in, but when I explained that I'd left a movie there when I'd visited she helped me find it. I asked if Luke was ok, and she said that he was, and I explained that he hadn't spoken to me since the day that I'd last been there. I figured that was that, and I was about to leave when she invited me to stay and talk.

And what a revealing talk this was. I told her the whole Jason / Luke history. She confirmed for me, as other friends of his had, that he stands people up all the time, and that he'd been somewhat better of late, but that he tends to screw over the people that treat him the best. She wanted to play me something that she said Luke had mixed, only it turned out to be a mashup that Luke had me e-mail him after he'd heard it on my computer in Ann Arbor. He'd lied to his roomie, changing the name and said that he had mixed it himself. And he had stupidly tried to explain how he had mixed the 2 songs together, when there were 3 in the mix, which I now pointed out to Carrie. We were bonded in our betrayal by Luke. She also let it slip that Luke had been seeing other men the entire time he & I had been seeing each other; something that Luke had made a point to tell me that he was NOT doing. She told me that he'd had another boy over just that week. I told her that he had mentioned to me that she steals all his boyfriends, and she said that what he means is that he screws over his boyfriends, but that she remains friends with them, and showed me how she had 6 of his ex-bf's programed into her phone. We exchanged phone #'s to continue this cycle. She asked me if I wanted to go see Luke at his work, but then decided we should call him. I told her to try calling him on my phone first, and when she did, he didn't answer, and then she called on her phone and he picked up right away. I could hear his voice and everything he said. He told her that he didn't want to talk to or see me and that she should get rid of me. He became extremely agited when she told him she wouldn't be mean to me, and I was very nearly in tears from all this, which she saw. After he hung up on her, she told me it was ok to cry, but I held it in. I told her I was grateful for her kindness, but that it was so horrible to actually hear all the ugly things about Luke, and to hear him be so cruel. He called back, asking if I was still there, and then asked to talk to me, not knowing that I could hear his conversation with her, and he told me that I should go because I'd probably woken Carrie up when I'd arrived and that she had to get up early in the morning - she could hear him now, as I had when she'd spoken to him, and she looked shocked and annoyed, and she flicked him off. I told him that I hadn't woken her up, and that she'd been nothng but respectful to me, which is more than I could say for him. He asked me if I was going to stalk him now? Which was just uncalled for. Why would I stalk him? I just came to get my movie when he wouldn't answer my messages. I hadn't lied to him, or betrayed him, or even raised my voice to him, and in fact had bailed him out of some horrible situations in the past. It was so painful to hear him talk to me this way. He said he wanted me gone. Part of me wanted to stay just to piss him off, but the rest of me just wanted to be home, and away from this asshole. I told Carrie goodnight, and thanked her again. She said she felt bad for the way Luke was treating me, but I told her it wasn't her fault and that I was just grateful that I now knew what a cowardly monster he was. I asked if she could wait a second, and I got the flowers from the car, and told her that I wanted to return his flowers, which she thought was amusing, and fitting. She said that she had also read the card that he had given me with the flowers, so the idea that he was treating me so unfrairly after claiming to 'adore and cherish' me was even more outragious. I said goodnight. I walked to the car. Called Mark to let him know what had happened. And then I sat in the car and cried for a good 20 minutes.

I felt a little better driving home. I stopped to get some more cough medicine and groceries. I came home. And I was broken.

Since then, I've had brief contact with Carrie, who I'm sending a card and a cd of mashups to again thank her for her kindness. I haven't spoken or heard from Luke.

I did however, randomly meet this great guy named Michael. We've hung out twice now. I don't know if it will lead to something more serious or not, but he's a genuinely sweet boy. And he has some interesting ties to my past, which amuse me. His best friend is the boyfriend of one of my ex-boyfriends. lol. What a small gay world we live in.

I finally finished the 2nd String Theory book, and I'm now reading the final installment of the trilogy. The Sting Theory books are set between the 4th & 5th seasons of Star Trek: Voyager, and have been enjoyable reads so far. They are more of my rather large Star Trek book collection that I've never read previously. I do feel good about reading all these books this year. ;-0)

I've been happy with The Sarah Jane Adventures, which ends it's season tomorrow. And the mini-Doctor Who episode, Time Crash, was on Friday, which for being 7 minutes was pure heaven! It fits into the final moments of "The Last of the Time Lords" and has me excited for the Christmas Special which will air 5 weeks from tomorrow. 5 Weeks with no New Who. :-0(

While writing this long entry, I lost some of the info, which sucked. It's taken me hours to write this entry. One of the nicer delays, was a call from Mollie. I hadn't heard from her in over a week, and was starting to worry. Thankfully, we might have more contact in the coming days.

I'm really tired, and should sleep a bit before work. But I'm also really thirsty. I need to take my prilosec. Hopefully I won't wait so long to write again.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:50 PM
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