Sunday, May 8, 2005

I did next to nothing yesterday. I cleaned my room. My computer was fucked up, and then the Kitchen sink was oddly, not draining, and the trash compactor was broken, and there's still not a lightbulb in the kitchen, which I had one for, but have since misplaced. blah. Each time I willed myself up to go to the grocery store Mark used the car instead, which shouldn't have stopped me; he even invited me to go with him, but I was hungry, and tired, and I knew I'd be bitchy, and I didn't want to fight with him the way I did Friday night.

Friday night I made time to watch Justice League Unlimited (3 episodes) & Enterprise (one of the final 3 episodes, which I enjoyed) with Mark; and also set aside time to see Jennifer & Tracy, who will soon be moving to Seattle. Mark & I were to meet them at the Tap Room in Ypsi, but while I was driving us there, at Mark's insistence, my phone rang, which was in my cumbersome jacket pocket; I was afraid if I didn't get the call, it would be a message from them telling us they were leaving, or that they never showed up, so I had Mark take the wheel while I dug for my phone, which I have done for Mark in the past. It's stupid behavior; I know, but we work with each other in such situations, or we have in the past.

We were merging onto 94, and Mark said "Shift" so I put my foot on the clutch to allow him to do so while I tried to hear what Jennifer was saying. Again, I know this was stupid of me; I should have been paying complete attention to driving, but I thought I was within the bounds of sanity, as we have done this sort of thing before, only it was Mark who was driving. Mark told me to get of the phone, and I said "Shut the fuck up". Even while I said this, I knew it was harsh, but I was trying to drive, and listen to Jennifer and Mark was distracting me even more, in a completely hypocritical way (even without me helping him drive, he talks on the phone in the car all the time); when I needed to shift again, and attempted to the gearshift wasn't where I expected it to be so I shifted into the wrong gear. When Mark had said shift, he meant for me to do it, not knowing that I had interpreted his word as a signal to step on the clutch - so now he's yelling at me for something that I thought he had done. When I got off the phone, I apologised for telling him to shut the fuck up. And we continued on.

Mark turned on the air conditioning. I don't like the air conditioning; it really bothers me, which he knows. I prefer to have the window down, but Mark is really anal about his hair, and worries that it will get messed up by the wind. The air conditioning was freezing, and was worse for me than usual because I was wearing vinyl pants, which made me as cold as the air pouring into the car. Now, I know that I was raised in a fairly backwards manner, but part of that upbringing included something that I think is fairly logical. When someone is driving a car, and you are a passenger in that car, the comfort of the driver should come before yours, because your life is in that person's hands, and any distraction could cost you both your lives. I shut of the air conditioning. It's true that I didn't ask to shut it off, but I knew that Mark knew that I hated it, and was also afraid that my agitation from our "conversation" moments before would cause me to say something hurtful. He turned it back on. I shut it off. He turned it back on.

Now at this point I'm really pissed off, because not only is he not worried about my feelings, he's basically saying that what he wants is more important than what I want; after all; my window is up for his benefit. I rolled down my window; to demonstrate that hey, I've been thinking of him this whole time; something that he hasn't done for me. What does he do then? He grabs my hat off of my head (I'm still driving, mind you), and attempts to throw it out the window, which I somehow prevented without losing control of the car.

Ok. So he's worried about my driving while talking on the phone, which is something that he does himself...but in his head it's ok to grab something that is planted on my head, and throw it passed me, out the window - an obvious physical and visual distraction, not to mention an emotional one that could have gotten us both killed. Yeah, that's ok. Sure.

At this point he tells me to turn around and take him home. Now, we're about 4 blocks from the bar where our friends are waiting to see us, for possibly the last time before the move across the country; they've been waiting for us for over an hour, and the call that I answered was them worried that I wasn't going to make it. It's possible that he was worried that his hair looked bad, but with the amount of product that this boy uses, there wasn't a single hair out of place, and I really didn't want this night to end at this point; I didn't want to not see Jennifer & company, and I didn't want for Mark to not see them. I said no. Then he told me to pull over and I could walk, which made me think that I'd gladly drop him off at home to prevent me from saying anything I'd regret, and to keep his behavior from ruining the night completely.

Now understand, I'm not mad at Mark now. I think we were both tired (it was about 4 hours after my current bedtime), and bitchy, and that we both made some really bad decisions. I'm not blameless here, and I don't claim to be. But at the time, I felt like I had made time for Mark (which I hadn't been doing a lot lately), and that this wasn't appreciated. He insisted that I drive the car, and then yelled at me for my driving while talking on the phone, which he does on a regular basis. He was just so hurtful... On the drive home, he turned the air back on, and when I asked him to turn it off he did not. Later, after getting gas (we were nearly out when we left home), and calling to tell the gang I'd be even later, Mark shut the air off and I said thank you, thinking that perhaps he had cooled down a bit (figuratively) and that we could talk, and perhaps salvage the night for both of us, but he replied that he didn't turn the air off for me. I told him I was still grateful that he had shut the air off. And through these bits of converstation I was trying to be polite, and trying to understand what had just happened, and to not be angry.

When we got home, I parked on the street, so I could leave faster; I had to walk him to the door of the condo, because he had not brought his keys with him. When I got out of the car, he told me that I didn't have to slam the car door. I didn't even propel the door closed; the way the car was parked it was on a slight hill; tilted to towards the passenger side; I just let go of the door and let it close, and I had no intetion of the door slamming, or of hurting Mark in any way; I was calm; I was a little worried about what was going to happen when I got home, but I was relieved at at this point that Mark & I would be apart and would not piss each other off, and I could still see the gang, and maybe go dancing later to get rid of all that negative energy. But his accusation, or assumption that I was slamming the door, pissed me off again. I told him I didn't slam the door; he mumbled something back, and I told him to fuck off under my breath while I walked to the car.

The rest of the night ran smoothly; I arrived, at my destination without driving like a crazy person; I made ever effort to drive the speed limit, and to breathe, and to not be upset; it worked. I had a blast with Jenn & Tracy, and their friends Andy, and ??? I forget the other one's name, but I had fun. I told them that Mark & I had fought, but I kept the details to a minimum, both out of respect for Mark, and for my own pleasure; I didn't want to dredge all that up; I just wanted to have fun. It was great seeing them, and it was emotional - with laughter and tears and conversation, and memories shared. Andy is a riot. We only stayed for about an hour I think; I had two drinks, which made my stomack a little bit upset; no one to blame for that but me. We made tentative plans for Necto Monday night, which I thought was great, because Mark had been talking about going with me sometime soon, and this would give him the opportunity to say his own farewell (for now) to Jenn & Tracy. We said goodnight, and drove our seperate ways.

I went to Necto, and actually danced the Friday night music, which I tend to hate. I just needed to dance myself ragged. I met lots of people, and chatted with others whom I've known for years. I met a boy named Patrick who I used to chat with on line about 5 years ago, which was interesting. I had a lot of fun, and I left shortly before closing time, headed home, peeled off my sweaty vinyl pants, and headed to Mark's room; exhausted. I told him about the night, while I cuddled up next to him, and when I left his room I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too, and we both seemed to know that our actions earlier were forgiven, and that we both knew that we made mistakes, and that we both regretted them.

Mark & I have our rough patches, but I like to think we will always be close.

We got along all day yesterday. He was working on his computer. I was...doing a bunch of nothing. I did download the new JLU, which was pretty good for a mostly standalone episode; it only featured Martian Manhunter briefly, with Stars & Starman making a cameo; it gave a voice and background info for Huntress, while further developing Green Arrow, Black Canary, and The Question. Only 6 more new episodes for the 4th Season (or 2nd season depending on if you view Justice League & Justice League Unlimited as one series; which I do), and each of them sound awesome!

I slept last night. I dreamt that we were back in Vegas, and I had someone wandered into an audition for a role on a new Joss Whedon series; the actors there were bitchy, and hooked me up with a script with only my lines, and not anyone elses, which made it nonsensical; when I eventually got to audition it turned out to be a woman's role, which amused the bitchy actors to no end; Joss was not amused and read with me, and I knocked the scene out of the park (I got to slap him), and he said I was almost surely hired, and that even though the part was written for a woman he would change it to fit me - though he said he'd keep the big kiss, which meant I got to kiss my hunky (if annoying) male costar. I was later interviewed by Jane Espenson, who wanted to know what I thought about the role, but my limited info on the part upset her, so she gave me a test (like an actual test you would take in school) and I passed with flying colors, which made her love me ;-0) There were other parts to the dream, but they all related to this auditioning process.

When I woke up, I checked my e-mail, jacked off, showered, sent some e-mail, and then wrote this. I haven't eaten in over 24 hours; I'm starving, and I'm going to get some food.

Enterprise (and Star Trek in general) will end (for the forseeable future) on Friday. I'm looking forward to the last two episodes though.

Oh - happy Mother's Day.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:35 AM
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