Sunday, May 8, 2005

So, I went to the grocery store and bought lots of food stuff. I chatted with Mark, he's cleaning a lof of our stuff up; moving a lot of it to storage, which is nice. He found a box of Star Trek tapes I bought years ago; I'm giving them to my nephews; except for Star Trek: First Contact & Insurrection, which I'm giving to Carrie tonight at work (she's gonna drop by).

Paul called me; looks like I'm his date to Michelle's wedding, and I'm going to see if I can get tickets to Episode III, for the following day. I talked to Carrie on the phone for awhile as well.

I tried calling my mom to wish her happy Mother's Day, but she was asleep; she sleeps almost all day on Sundays; always has. Jamie, my little sis answered the phone, and she asked me if I had shared some information that she had given me a few weeks back, with our older sister, and I told her that I had. But I didn't call our sister and say "Hey, you've got to hear this." - Our sister asked me point blank for the info, and I couldn't lie, and I couldn't dodge the question, without revealing the truth, so I told her, without going into detail. And there were a hundred other things Jamie told me, that were a lot worse, which I didn't bring up. But Jamie's pissed at me; and she said she was going to tell our sister that I smoke pot, which our sister already knows, and it's posted on my fricking website; hundreds of people know; Jamie's father, and my biological father both know. I'm an adult, no big deal. She's an adult, why is this a big deal? Ugh.

So while I was starting a load of laundry, and talking to Mark, he questioned something I said, about Janice asking me for the info that I had given her, and then I gave him more detail, but it bugged me that he didn't believe me right off. Then I accidentally knocked over our nearly gone jug of detergent (I bought a new one this morning), but when I picked it up I was relieved to see that none of it had spilled, and told him so; he then walked around so he could see - again - not trusting what I said. He asked me when I was going to clean the Boost up in the kitchen, which had spilled sometime ago, which I guess I never cleaned up, but I honestly had forgotten about it; it wasn't that I said I was going to do something, and then just decided not to. I mentioned that he had tried to grab my hat off in the car last night, and could have killed us; he said it was the only thing he could do to mess up my appearance, after I messed up his hair by putting the window down! 1stly, his hair didn't get messed up; 2ndly I think there's a big difference between the driver of a car putting his window down, and the passenger in a car yanking the driver's hat off and trying to throw it out the window, both annoying and shocking the driver, while simultaniously blocking his view. And to try to justify such an act is cowardly, and childish. I'm not saying I acted responsibly last night, because I didn't, but Mark seems to be saying that his bevavior in this instance was ok, and it wasn't. Mark said that I could have gotten us killed by rolling down my window??? How's that again?

He said he was glad that we were finally talking about this, and I told him that I wish we hadn't, because I felt that we had moved passed it, and that we both realized we'd made stupid mistakes last night, but now he seems to be saying that me rolling down my window is in some way just as bad as him ripping my hat off my head and throwing it out of the car! Not only is that not the same, for all of the reasons I've already named, but I love that hat, and he knows it; it just seems so petty. And he assumes that I rolled down my window JUST to mess up his hair, and that I didn't want the air conditioning on, JUST because he did want it on. When the truth is, I was cold, and wanted the air conditioning off, and I would have liked to have my window down, but I don't drive that way, unless Mark is wearing a hat - but this courtesy is not returned; he can't leave the air conditioning off for me, and in fact can't even accept me at my word when I say I want it off. He doesn't trust me. I don't trust him. He's lied to me more than a dozen times; and everytime, I've believed him. And each time I've learned the truth it has devastated me. I try to not let it bother me, because he has told me that he only lies to me, because he cares what I think, and wants me to think to best of him - which is twisted logic, but I can sort of understand what he's talking about, because...he's Mark, you know? But it hurts everytime. Which is why we don't date. We aren't really sexually compatable anyways, but the lies killed us. I couldn't believe him when he said anything anymore; I couldn't share his bed, and when I tried to I felt dirty.

I have really bad timing. Mark has really bad luck. I'm not great at taking care of myself, and I'm a little messy (nowhere near as messy as my parents), but I like to have a bit of clutter. Mark knew all of these things when we met. But I thought that Mark could trust me. I had an affair once, and I told him about it as soon as I saw him, and we seperated for awhile, because I felt that if I was going somewhere else, then I wanted to know why, and I wanted to be honest about it, and the idea of not being upfront with him, was even more painful than telling him the truth. That part of our time together really sucked.

And there have been other times that have really sucked. A lot. But there have also been times of great joy, comfort, intimacy, laughter, happiness, and love. I think that in the last year or so we have lost some of the fun. I don't know how exactly, or how to get it back. I think one obstacle is my health; I developed severe (SEVERE) Acid Reflux in 2001, and since then, there are many times, when I don't want to be touched, by anyone, and we used to be very affectionate, and now there are many times when I don't want to be - or I want to be, but feel that I can't be. We both have jobs now; though his job is more a priority, becasue he makes a lot more money than I do, and we share our funds; so it just makes sense, that if we're both scheduled, and one of us needs the car, that he get's the car. It's not that my job isn't important, or that I don't love it, because I do, but logistically it makes the most sense for us.

I would like us to get along more often. I really would. But so often when I feel I'm being playful, he thinks I'm trying to hurt him. And I think a lot of the time when I'm being hurt by him, he doesn't take it seriously. I believe that there's a lot of mis-communication at work here, and a lot of non-communication, which is what's really driving us crazy. I often say things I don't mean when I'm frustrated, and tired; it's been one of my most annoying flaws since I was very young; I know I get it from my mother because she's exactly the same. So many of the things that set Mark off, don't even register with me as being offensive. I don't mean to slam doors, and ever since I learned that Mark has a sensitive ear, and that slamming doors hurt him, I have tried very hard not to do it, even when I'm angry; even when doing so would make me feel better (because that's why people slam doors, isn't it? it's a form of release); and sometimes when I close the car door, Mark tells me not to slam it, but really don't think that I have. I'm going to have to get into the practice of closing the door SUPER Gently - just so I won't offend him. But I know that my closing doors is perfectly natural to everyone else around us, which I don't think Mark understands. It doesn't matter I guess. I should try to change my behavior here, and I have done so already to a point; it's just going to take some time.

Mark doesn't like me talking on the phone when I'm driving; I'll try not to do that in front of him; I'll have him answer my phone. Here's a strange thing; when Mark bought his cell phone, I was against even owning one, and people that talked on their phones in the car seemed stupid to me, and to get me to stop bitching about them, Mark bought me one, and as soon as you could say insidious bastard, I was hooked. And now he complains about it. Figures. But I will try to not talk on the phone in the car while Mark is a passenger.

I don't even like to drive with Mark in the car because he's so critical of everything that I do. But everyone once in a while I do drive him, because he likes to just ride in the car without driving; I do it for him. I did it for him Friday night; he said he would come with me if I drove.

While I was typing this - Mark came in: "Can we make up now?" he said. We talked about a lot of stuff that needed to be talked about, and we made some progress, which is nice. I'm hungry. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:32 PM
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