Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Jennifer & Tracy cancelled on me for Necto Monday night, but Mark, Heidi & I went, and I believe we had fun; I danced like a madman in a kilt, with fishnets, boots, a cop shirt, and lots of eyeliner. Heidi is a lot of fun ;-0) There were surprisingly few people that I knew there, but it was still good fun.

Last night Mark & I watched the first 2 episodes Queer As Folk's 4th Season. I've never been a huge fan of the show, though Mark really loves it. I enjoyed those episodes though, and look forward to seeing where the 4th Season ends up; the 5th & final season has already been filmed; I wonder if that means it will be on DVD any sooner?

Paul & I are attending Michelle's wedding, Friday, May 20 (I just called and got the day off - though I have to go in that night for inventory). Should be fun, though I have no clue what to wear. lol Saturday, May 21 we are going to see Episode III, but I haven't got the tickets yet, because Jen & Tracy may go, but they haven't gotten back to me yet; even if they don't get back to me I'm getting them tomorrow. Mollie is going to, but Mark doesn't want to face the crowds. :-0( I hope I can get the tickets; it should be fine.

I saw someone with the e-mail PantomimeHorse on line which made me think of the song by Suede (or London Suede if you prefer), and so I started listening to some of their tunes, and everytime I hear them now I think about Ian. Ian was a boy that I met in 1996, who my friend Paul liked (though I didn't connect his confessions to me about a boy, with the actual person until much later); I hung out with him one night in 1997, with Autumn who had some of her art up in a gallery that she had the keys to, so we went there to hang out awhile. I remember that he loved that I enjoyed listening to Suede, since he didnt' know many people who knew who they were, and that we both enjoyed the new Cure cd "Wild Mood Swings". I ended up leaving Ian in the parking lot behind the Fleetwood Diner, and when we said goodbye we ended up kissing, which was really hot. I was dating Mark back then, but I enjoyed kissing other people, because Mark doesn't really kiss, except in that light kiss on the hand kind of way. The kiss with Ian was a nice moment in time. We had a lot of conversations that night, that reminded me of some of my history, which troubled me greatly at that time; he reminded me of so many people that I had outlived, and though he had a drug problem, I thought he'd eventually be ok. He & Autumn visited me at work (at Meijer) soon after that, and we all had lunch together; he really amused me, and I thought he looked really cool, and he reminded me of my dead friends. After that encounter I wrote a poem for him, only to learn that he had moved away, and that Autumn had a falling out with him. I gave her the poem, to give to him if she ever saw him again, and I tried not to worry about him.

In December of 2001, I considered writing about him again, and soon after I ran into our mutual friend, Dorian at Pizza House, who told me that Ian was dead. That he was buried. That Ian had been living back in Michigan for sometime. And that Ian had worked at Pizza House until the day he died.

Now, I started going to Pizza House in September of 1998. I started eating there about 3 times a week, which I continued to do for many years, and I knew many of the employees, and managers and stuff; one of my best friends, Carrie, was a hostess there. I asked her about Ian, and she told me that she had known him, and that she had actually gotten into a fight with him before he left; I think he was fired, or he quit, actually; the details are a bit foggy at the moment. She also said that she had no sympathy for him (he overdosed), and when I told her I knew him, and that I had once kissed him, she said that I kiss a lot of boys, and that she wasn't sorry that she had a fight with him that night.

I strongly considered never speaking to her again. It still pisses me off sometimes. It's not that I think he would have survived that much longer. Sure, if they hadn't fought, he would have been at work, and he wouldn't have overdosed at that moment. But he may have later that week; who knows? But what I do know is that I don't believe he ever got the poem that I wrote about him, which weighs on me, because it was about how much his survival meant to me. He would have known that someone cared about him, and that someone wanted him in this world, and that despite of his sickness, he was wanted.

Carrie's role in this hurts me. It hurts me because she got to see him, when I wanted desperately to see him, and when she saw him she was hurtful, and I wanted to see him and be hopeful, and she got to see him before he died, and I didn't. I'm jealous of her, and I resent her for her complete disregard for his life, which was something I treasured. I was probably close to seeing him a dozen times, and just missed him. He worked in my favorite hang out, and that knowledge hurts me; that I was that close, and yet I never got my chance. I didn't even get to go his funeral. When I hear Suede, it's a funerl durge in my head, and when I hear Numb from Wild Mood Swings, he's always there, and I always end up crying. Carrie's disregard for my feelings in this matter almost killed my love for her.

I avoided her for awhile, and it hurt me too. I like talking to her, and spending time with her...but that moment in time, haunts me. And she probably doesn't think about it at all. And now I'm super depressed, and I just want to cry in the shower.

Here are the two poems I've written about Ian:

Dear Friend

IAN IS DEAD

Dorian told me
this only a couple hours
ago...

Said that Ian had worked
at Pizza House up until the end.

Didn't know he was even
back in Ann Arbor...

Briefly knew that Dear Friend.

And as it turns out,
he didn't survive me...

Although he once revived me;
He is cold in the ground.

Only yesterday I thought
I'd write...only not...
& now to learn he's not even around.

Autumn once told me
she'd written him off...
Not worth the cost...
Far beyond saving.

He couldn't stop it...
He couldn't drop it...
Farewells & goodbyes;
all he ever was saying.

Can't stand the silence.
Can't stand the stareing.

Cure sang he's NUMB -
No cure for his fun -
Did not really know him
though I never stopped caring.

Written By Jason Wright
DECEMBER 31ST, 2001

- For Ian -

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:13 PM
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