Sunday, April 6, 2008

I've had a really horrible day. My stomach again. Blah. It was my own fault this time though, which is oddly comforting, as I know why I'm all fucked up. I forgot to take my prilosec. It was 4 hours late. And it was 2 hours after I ate something that I'm not supposed to have, but can allow myself to have when I've been taking my medicine regularly, and I've been very very good, which until this morning, I had been. Ugh. So there's been no sleep for Jason today. No laying down. I've tried a half dozen times and the acid was so potent I thought it would eat through my tongue. No being comfortable. No more eating, which is why I'm now starving, and will most likely get a headache. And I have to be at work at 7pm.

I know I should call in. It's the smart thing to do. But I don't want to. I want to go to work. I know I said in an entry not that long ago that I prefer to stay at home, and it's true, except that I kind of enjoy my job, and the people that I work with, and a good portion of the people that come in to the store as well. And when I can't go it upsets me. It's not like staying home from school when you're just not wanting to go because the students are assholes and you have an exam that you haven't had time to study for... It's more like having to tell you're friends that you can't make it to the party that you've all been planning.

I should call in. My stomach is actually starting to feel better, but only because I haven't eaten. And I could finally lay down now and sleep. Only I can't, because I have to go to work. But I want to go to work. It's this endless cycle that's been playing in my head all day.

I really hate my life sometimes. Not the people that I share it with...or the living part...but just the crappy stuff that piles up and makes me miss the stuff that I enjoy.

I don't even know who I work with today. I haven't brought a schedule home in weeks, as I've been working all the same hours for quite some time now. There are 2 hours until I'm supposed to be there. But I can't leave early from work, because I'm closing. If it were just a regular day I'd be at work right now, and I'd be leaving to pick up Mark in a half hour; he could drive us home, and I could crawl into bed and just forget all this... But it's like my day is supposed to start right now, and I'm about to collapse.

About 6 months ago, my stomach was even worse than it is now, and I was depressed to the point of wanting to end it all. But I've gotten some help, and things have improved. The days that I feel this way are less common, despite how much I bitch about them. It probably sounds weird, but it doesn't bother me as much when it happens on the days that I have off. But it's because I don't have to feel that I'm somehow letting anyone down, and I know that it will pass and I can just go to bed when it's all over and that the next day will be better...

This morning I distracted myself by burnind a dvd for Mollie, and putting up more art on my walls. It looks great. I've taken 3 showers. It helps. But my skin is going to be dry; I should get some lotion that doesn't reek.

Well this was a fun one, wasn't it?

I have "Martha's Theme" from Doctor Who stuck in my head. But I don't mind. It's kind of nice. It actually keeps switching to "The Doctor Forever" & "Doomsday", and back to "Martha's Theme". I'd probably be singing them, but none of them have words, so I just keep humming bits.

I'm cracking up.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:07 PM
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