Sunday, September 11, 2005

I napped on & off after the last entry; watched some Xena & Herc, with sleep in between. Don't know why I was so tired; maybe it was my body fighting off infection? I don't know. I finally got up for good around 11pm. I decided I needed a shave & shower which made me feel really good, and then I thought I might stop by the Aut Bar. I didn't really think I'd have any fun, but I felt like if I didn't get out of the condo I'd explode; like I was in limbo or something. I had originally thought I'd work on my webpage, but that seemed likes such a downer.

When I got to the bar I ran into Scott, a boy I've known for a couple of years. We're both very attracted to each other, but we're not really compatable; sometimes we forget this, because it seems to0 horrible to be true. That's what happened tonight. I gave him a ride back to his place, and we kissed, and he asked me in (just to talk) which lasted maybe a half hour. Good conversation actually, and we talked about why we haven't been having sex with people lately, and we both seemed to have the same answer which was nice - except he then wanted sex with me, and I wanted something more than just sex.

Is that so wrong? Can't I have sex and have it be more and have it not be that big a deal? What's wrong with men? Or is it just me? I don't know - but it was kind of nice, and kind of horrible at the same time. So much wanting, but so much not. It was terrible. I do find him attractive, as my hardon kept insisting, which made it nearly impossible to just leave - it went on & on, not quite beautiful and not quite hell. We didn't fuck as we both wanted, but we did just about everything else, though only in bursts; never for long. I got dressed to leave a dozen times and he'd start undressing me, and I'd be so hard it hurt. We didn't cum before I left, but I felt sort of bruised all over; like I'd been assaulted, which I wasn't; I did everything of my own accord; it was just a feeling. He kept telling that I worry too much and that it was just sex, but that was kind of the problem for me. It also came out that he's republican, and voted for Bush which only added to my guilt at not controlling my cock better. Before the end of the night I told him we could do something on Monday, but now I don't know that I want to. I'll see how I feel later, and either way, I'll call him. Maybe we could have one little outing, while he's sober to seal the deal on us as just being friends.

I just... It was only 2 or 3 years ago that I was fucking anything that I wanted and it was FUN - and I don't know what changed... Actually I do; I changed. I realized that while I was having a lot of fun sex, that it had been ages since I'd slept with someone that I truly enjoyed as a person. But still, I didn't think it would take so long to find someone like that. Tony was like that, and yet we have that whole non-communication thing going. I don't like to wait to have sex, and yet I do want to wait - it's a pretty masochistic state of being. I don't know. I need to take a shower, and I need to go to sleep.

I've now been with 3 people this year, more or less, and while that's way less than usual for me, I feel like a whore. Yet of the 3 people, 2 of them I'd been with before this year, and one of them I had known, and been attracted to for more than a decade, so even though my behavior hasn't completely fallen into line with what I understand that I want - it has changed. That's something at least.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:58 AM
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I've showered, and decided I want to eat and watch something before bed. I just read some good news; Brokeback Mountain has been awarded the Golden Lion for best film at the closing ceremonies for the 62nd Venice International Film Festival! Finally a proud queer film based on a queer story in which the queer factor hasn't been erased or ignored, or blamed for the movie sucking! Amazing. Also cool: Hayao Miyazaki presented the award to Ang Lee! Nice. The movie seems to be getting a lot of positive reviews, and Heath Ledger is being mentioned as a possible Oscar contender. This pleases me.

Plus 2 new JLU episodes in just 6 days.

Ok. I'll stop now. But is it any wonder that I turn to these sorts of things for enjoyment when everything else just seems so shitty?

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:38 AM
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   Monday, September 12, 2005

I worked last night, which was mostly good. I rented Apartment Zero, Cleopatra's 2nd Husband, and Breathless. Breathless left me limp and afraid, as it featured full frontal Richard Gere. I shut it off as quickly as I could, but I'm afraid that the vision will be stuck in my brain until I'm cold in the ground. I'm not a big animal lover, but...those poor gerbils.

Is cutting on yourself like, insanely popular? I'm just wondering, because just about everyone I've ever known has done it at one point or another. I can usually tell if they are; I don't know what it is exactly, except that maybe...oh, I don't want to talk about that shit. Suffice it to say that I generally see these things coming, but it never stops the helpless feeling when faced with the reality. The last time this happened before last night, was with Shawn. I guess I should be grateful that it hasn't happened since then, or if it has, then I've been blissfully unaware. It must, at least sometimes, be really great to not notice when people are suffering.

I have this friend, who's like a sister to me, only she's better than a sister because my sisters (despite their love for me) view me through their Christian eyes, and while they tolerate me, I don't think they'll ever quite love me the way that I love them. My friends aren't like that, which is why they are my friends. This friend (it's Mollie - she posted it in her blog so I don't know why I'm playing this "friend" game) has brought joy to my life, since the day that I met her. She's had a very hard life; too hard. It never really seems to let up on her, which I don't understand. Frankly, I think it's a wonder that this hasn't happened before, or if it has, that it hasn't been 'worse'. She's amazing. Her working environment is atrocious. Her options are limited. Her mother is dying. Her apartment is a huge improvment over her previous living arrangments, but she can hardly pay her bills. She's had serious medical problems of seemingly random & cruel severity. She's got the most beautiful smile, and laughter, and humor and...she's just the best person that I know, and yet she's single which I just don't understand - so that, while she's not alone, I think she might be lonely.

But she goes to work, and she kicks ass, and she hangs out with friends whenever she can, and she makes us laugh when we want to cry... And she holds us when the laughter doesn't last. And she's not a god; she's very human. She's not perfect. But nobody is, and she knows that. She doesn't judge people. When I meet someone new, be it a friend, boyfriend or lover - and they want to know me better - I introduce them to Mollie. Having Mollie as my friend reflects well on me. lol People love her, and those that dislike her tend to not be big on laughter (or in some extremely annoying cases - bathing). Mollie has a wicked tongue for comebacks, but she seldom if ever resorts to using it against those who truly deserve it - she'll just tell me about it after that fact and make me laugh for days. She's a good person. She doesn't deserve to be unhappy. She doesn't deserve a razor or a bottle of pills as a little pick me up. She deserves to be loved and cared for and she is. By me. By Mark. By just about everyone I've ever talked to about her (because I talk about her all the time).

When Mark and & were talking about moving to San Francisco (which may yet happen in the not too distant future) the one thing I couldn't leave behind was Mollie. Darla, Kellie, Carrie, & Shawn are all still alive, but the people I first knew & loved and trusted who cut themselves are not. I know I shouldn't react so emotionally when my suspicions are confirmed, but I always do, and the helplessness is there in spades. Funerals are planned & attended behind my eyes every time this comes to light. I cried last night for a good hour before falling asleep.

When I woke up, it was still dark outside, and I ate, and watched Apartment Zero which was really good. My first thought was that Mollie might like it. And then I felt...a lot, all mixed up. I showered with Mark and talked with him about the movie. I'll have to get it; probably next week.

But now I'm going to finish drinking my Sierra Mist; maybe watch another movie. I think movies are going to be big for me this week.

Mollie: I'm glad that you're finally talking about stuff, it was just a little shocking to be right again, when I wanted so badly to be wrong.

I love you.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:00 AM
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Lots of thoughts for Mollie. I have another sty, but this one seems to be the less annoying, easier to deal with types; if it gets worse or isn't gone within a day or two I'll make another doctor's appointment; perhaps my doc will be back from her vaction?

I watched Cleopatra's 2nd Husband this morning, which was ok. Twisted. Ok. But not fantastic. I think I really loved Apartment Zero. I worked out today. I might go dancing later, but I'm not sure yet. I like to wear a lot of eyeliner when I go to goth night, but I don't know if that would agitate the new sty I have.

I hope Mollie is well.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:15 PM
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   Thursday, September 15, 2005

I did go dancing Monday night, though the DJ who was in from New York sucked beyond the telling of it. I didn't even dance for the first hour and I got there around midnight! After the music got slightly better and dancing was involved this big round red shirt guy came on to the dance floor are started "dancing", which I moved away from. He was with a friend and they were both so obviously tweaking. Big Red came over towards me and I backed away and he followed and I told him to keep the fuck away from me, but he didn't listen. I pushed him as hard as I could (which given his weight, was quite an accomplishment) and he stumbled back and wandered away. Later he came back and there was more drama, which became even more dramatic. He said he just wanted to touch me, and I told him I just wanted him to fuck off. Then he touched a girl and this hot guy with dreads punched him good. They were removed from the bar, and taken away by the police. After the bar closed (which was only minutes later) and everyone was gathering outside the assholes (Red & Black) showed up again, and the cops came and took them away again. End of Drama. Vincent, Sandor, Paul & Amy were there. A good time was mostly had by all, though the lack of good music really sucked.

I forgot to call Scott on Monday. The whole Mollie Cutting thing kind of through me off the whole date mind-set. I still haven't called him, and now I don't know if I should or not?

Tuesday I got some sleep. Later I took my rentals back and rented the 1st 2 discs of Nip/Tuck and Baquiat; though the surgeries made me feel a bit queasy I got sucked into Nip/Tuck and watched all 6 episodes without even trying. I think Mollie will like it. It has lots of gay characters and plotlines - though so far no guy on guy stuff, though from what I've heard, that's soon to change in the upcoming 3rd season. I liked Basquiat at first (the cast is fucking awesome!) but it got a bit boring after awhile - I slept and finished the movie just before Mark got home from work on Wednesday.

We talked to Mollie on the phone; she was playing Spyro, and she sounded good. She wants to hang out Saturday and watch Nip/Tuck. I'm gonna try to put the episodes on tape for her; and hopefully I get the 1st 2 seasons for us, as I'd like to watch the 3rd season as it airs; though maybe not the first few weeks as it starts in a couple of days. I forgot to tell her that JLU is on Saturday 10pm-11pm and that for that hour I'll be glued to cartoon network. ;-0) Mark & I talked to her about getting her some help; the help that she can't really get from her friends. I think things could work out for her; she's got amazing reserves of strength; I just think that all these complicated things are hitting her all at once, and have been doing so for a disturbing amount of time - who wouldn't be doing what she's doing under such stress? But I love her and I want her to be well. This could help with that, and Mark was so upfront about everything on the phone, and how concerned he was for her. If Mark can change like that then anything is possible.

I've been slowly, but surely continuing my Animated Batman guide, which has been fun.

Oh - I talked to Mom yesterday because I saw this girl the other night who is friends with a friend (Colleen) of my younger sister's; this girl (Rachel I think her name is) cant get ahold of Colleen and asked me to get this message to her. But Jamie wasn't home. Mom told me that Colleen and Jamie were supposed to stay the weekend with Jamie's fiance Mark, but Jamie didn't feel like going and Colleen went without her, which Jamie thougt was odd, and what I thought was just fucking tacky. And Colleen once told me that Mark tried to get in her pants before Jamie - which has me super worried for Jamie's feelings. If I see Colleen at her work anytime soon I'll ask her what's going on.

Mom was babysitting Justin, Jordan & Jonathan, and I got to talk to Justin on the phone for a few minutes. He said they loved the Batman/Superman dvd I gave them (which I already knew because they're mother told me so on the phone previously). Justin said that he prefers Batman & that Jordan prefers Superman. I love them both; maybe I can share my Batman/Superman collection with them once I know what order to put them in. Talking with Justin, Jordan, Jillian & Jonathan is one of the truly joyous parts of my life.

So the sty on my eyelid is still there, but at least it's not on the inside jabbing into my eyeball anymore. When I see it, it makes me think of my dad. He gets them all the time, but his are so much worse than this. I wonder if that's coming up for me in the future, but I kind of think that it won't happen with me because I have such a different life than he has and can go to the doctor and stuff. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could afford to buy him clothes, or get his teeth fixed or shaved him or something, and just started working out with him, the way I did when I was little. It kind of hurts to think about him that way though. It hurts to remember when he seemed like my dad, and not this crazy David guy. Janice probably understands this.

I work today & tomorrow, but I have Saturday off. I already shaved, and my work clothes are in the washer; actually I should probably go put them in the dryer. I'll write more eventually.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:19 AM
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   Friday, September 16, 2005

I forgot to say in my last post that Mark & I watched a couple episodes of Dawson's Creek before he went to bed; the first time we've done that in over a week; it was nice.

I drove Mark to work Thursday morning (after a detour to Meijer), and I started recording episodes of Nip/Tuck for Mollie. I watched a Batman episode ("See No Evil") and then started watching the NC-17 version of "Crash" which I'd never seen before (I saw the R rated version years ago); wacky. Work was fine, if not too stimulating. Bryan loved Drawn Together and wants to see more. Before going to work I saw the new Harry Potter trailer and e-mailed it to those I thought might enjoy it, including DJ who was stoked to hear about it. 10 movies arrived for me in the mailbox at home, and I went to bed as soon as I could.

I woke up around 10pm. I finished watching the first episode of Desperate Housewives. It's ok so far; I'm looking forward to watching the season and see how much I like it when it's over. The new season must start soon, and if I like it I want to be ready for that. Maybe Mollie would like this too? I don't know. Perhaps.

My hours at work have been cut again. I work today, Sunday & Friday. I guess that's ok, but I just paid my doctor's bill and it would be nice to have money coming into my account.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:06 AM
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   Saturday, September 17, 2005

Work was so dead yesterday. After work I talked tried calling Laurie, but was told that she already moved back to Virginia. I realized that I didn't have her phone # down there so I called right back, but nobody answered the phone. I left a message with Amber, and she later called me back, and told me that Laurie has actually been back in Virginia for 3 weeks, and that they had an encounter in which Laurie told her that she had hung out with me 2 times while she was here, but in fact I only spoke to her once on the phone and I never saw her. I hope she's ok, but her behaviour is a bit odd. I called Paul on my way to work to wish him Happy Birthday, and he let me know that he won't be in Michigan for Serenity as he & Michael just bought a house; he's leaving San Francisco.

I slept when I got home from work. I finished off the first season of Nip/Tuck for Mollie and myself. Carrie's interested in a Desperate Housewives tape. Maybe she'd like Nip/Tuck too? I don't know. I've been trying to get these tapes ready for Mollie to surprise her with, but she cancelled our plans for tonight, which is fine really. JLU is on tonight. I hope Mollie gets some rest. I need to buy some more vhs & stop by Hollywood to rerent DH. So I guess I'll go do that now.

I'm leading quite the exciting life, aren't I?

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:51 PM
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