Sunday, March 19, 2006

This entry is empty. It's just something I'm doing to fix that wacky blog misfire.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:28 AM
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The problems I've been having with my e-mail seem to have worked themselves out; that's good news! I just updated 'my space' with some info, as it was pretty bare for awhile. Not sure what's been up with my blog though.

I was supposed to hang out with Mollie last night, but I was really tired, so I told her I was going to sleep for awhile and then call her when I woke up. I went to sleep around 7pm, and woke up at 3:30am. She didn't answer when I called; I hope she's not mad at me; I expected to sleep for maybe 3 hours.

I need to get in touch with Carrie and see if I can't salvage some school time. It's just that with all the worries about the car, & my health and all that other stuff, things have been hectic, and the school thing kind of got lost in the shuffle. If I don't make it in May, I'll try for August, which I'm fine with; it would be like a birthday present to myself.

Batman Beyond, Justice League, Capote, The Dying Gaul (which I've now seen), & Loggerheads should all be here this week. As will the new DS9 relaunch book!!!! That's anothe reason I want to talk to Carrie; I want to know how far she's gotten in rereading those, because the new one will be out, and she'll be able to read it too. I'm pretty excited about that book.

And I'm pretty sure I'm seeing V for Vendetta tomorrow morning after I drop Mark off for work. I might visit my dad tomorrow too. I have to finish those JLU tapes for Nate today. Still haven't heard from Steven or Erich. Boys. lol.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:28 AM
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Mollie wasn't mad at me; she just went to bed shortly before I called. She wanted to hang out today, but I have to work, and I'm not sure I'll be awake to hang out with her when she gets out of work during the week. I finished the JLU tapes for Nate, and I've started rereading the Worlds of DS9 to get ready for the new book which could be here as early as tomorrow. I have to work at 7pm, which is going to suck, because I've been going to bed around that time for like a week now. I gave Carrie a call but I got the machine, and I left a message. People are starting to friend me on myspace which is neat. I took a nap a little while ago, and maybe that will help with the tired feeling later at work. I don't know though. I want to read some more. And I suddenly have this violent urge to brush my teeth. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:49 PM
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   Monday, March 20, 2006

Work was mostly fun last night, despite me being really tired. With all kinds of wackyness (including but not exclusive to a fantastic visit from Carrie, and appearances by laundry bound Heidi & Pat) preventing me from leaving just after midnight like I usually do, I didn't get out until about 12:30am; 5 hours later than I've been going to bed. When I got home I checked my e-mail, and there was a frantic message from my friend Linda saying she really needed to talk to me. I called her right away, and we talked for about 4 hours. It was really nice talking with her, and at least trying to help her sort out some of the shit she's going through, but I was so exhausted. I hope things get better for her, and where she's at. Hopefully I'll be updated on that situation soon.

After I got off the phone, I said goodnight to Mark, who was online playing poker, at 4am. Mark says he's not addicted to gambling, but it sure seems like he is. First he started off playing free games; then games where he could win money but didn't risk any money. The other day he played a game (where real money was involved) and he lost 8 dollars. He rationalized, that it was money he had won from playing, and therefore it wasn't a big deal, but I'm not convinced. In fact it really scares me. I know this is a racial stereotype, but Native Americans and gambling doesn't sit well with me. I just don't want him to get into trouble. And he plays the games constantly; he knows when they are scheduled and trys to be home or awake for them. He plays games instead of doing his taxes (which I myself have not yet done), and he stays awake to play when he should be sleeping before work. It doesn't seem safe, or healthy. And now I'm starting to wonder how much of our trip to Vegas was about him really feeling a need to play there. I had never thought of going to Vegas before then. I don't want anything bad to happen to him, or us. I don't want him to become one of those people that CAN'T stop. But he seems to be heading in that direction... "I can stop if I want to." That kind of thing. I understand the need for a fun outlet, but I'd rather it be something that couldn't come back to bite him in the ass. He has an addictive personality; I know he's had addiction problems in the past, which is so OF THE PAST, but I don't want to see him fall into something that could hurt his future, or even his present. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm worried about him.

I finished reading my e-mail before bed, and I actually got a response from Steven, and he want's to hang out in person and talk and stuff. I'm stoked about that. I've been trying to catch up with a lot of people from the past, and just see what's happened to us all. It's really very fascinating, and it helps to know what others have been through. I wish I could get in touch with Jennifer. I've left her messages but she never returns them. I hope she's alive and well. Still nothing from Erich, which is annoying. If I just knew he was alive, that would be nice, becuase I have a history of people not calling, because they died. Actually, Saturday marks 14 years since the whole hospital thing. Soon it will be 17 years, since I was 17, and at Mercywood. Weird.

So I got a bit of sleep. I checked to see what time "V for Vendetta" was playing, but realized I don't really feel like seeing it today. I decided I'd rather stay in and read and relax. I'm re-reading the Worlds of DS9 books in anticipation of the new book, and I'm really REALLY enjoying them. I didn't realize how much I missed the characters. Anyways, I might go see UltraViolet tonight, and see V for Vendetta tomorrow. That's what I'm considering now. For now...For right now, I'm happy where I am.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:40 AM
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   Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I'm on a DS9 kick. The started the series anew, from the first episode, and I'm reading the Dominion section of the Worlds of DS9 series, which is by David R. George III, who I know for a fact is a truly awesome guy; we exchanged e-mails after defending gay characters in Trek in an online forum. ;-0) The new DS9 book has arrived and I really want to read it, but part of me is holding back for as long as possible... It's fun though.

Mark exchanged the car with me at lunchtime, and after dropping him off I went right over to Quality 16, which I've never been to before, and I saw V for Vendetta, which was fantastic!!! I can't say enough good things about it; just that I really hope a lot of people see it. It was the #1 movie in america over the weekend, and this pleases me. Brokeback Mountain & Capote were still playing at the theater as well. 'V' was very gay positive, and it was so well done. I look forward to seeing it again, and to owning it as well. ;-0)

I stopped at Mark's work after that to gush about the movie. Mark, Mollie & I may go see Ultraviolet or 'V' tonight, but I'm not certain yet. I stopped at Hollywood to return some movies, say 'hey' to the gang and again let everyone know that 'V' kicks ass. Jeef had seen it and agreed, and Bryan & DJ both said that they've both been hearing the same thing. I'm home now, and I need to wash my hands (the dog at Mark's work licked me...a lot) and get something to eat.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:07 PM
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   Wednesday, March 22, 2006

So I told Mark again that I didn't care if we got the car 'fixed' or not, because it doesn't look that bad, and it doesn't affect the way it drives. Mark then said that he would buy his own car then, and stop paying on this one. Mark pays for this car now; I can't afford it, and he knows that. He only put my name on it because if something happened to him, I wouldn't have anything (which I thought was sweet). The thing is, we don't have money for another car. I don't have money for this one, meaning I'd have to quit the job I love to get a better job so I could pay for the car that I never wanted, and would never have allowed my name on, if I thought that I'd be paying for it, which was not a secret. This would also leave me with no time or cash for school, much less anything else that I actually want. Of course if I can't pay for the car then we're both in debt and our credit is ruined, because his name is on the car too. Does any of this seem sane? Or does it seem petty? Just wondering.

And all this right after I talked with him about things to get him for his birthday, which is next month. Maybe it's just his time of the month. Maybe he's on the rag. I don't know. But it sucks. I wanted to slam my door so bad, but I can't to that, because it hurts his ears, and in the past he has threatened me with violence for slamming a door.

Yesterday I saw V for Vendetta, and I told him it was awesome, and mentioned Hugo Weaving plays V, which Mark said ruined the movie. Ironic, that just before that happened I spoke to 2 of his coworkers about seeing the movie and they both said they wanted to see it because 'Agent Smith' plays V, and they asked me if I already knew that he doesn't take his mask off. I also told Mark that it was very gay positive and that it would one day find a place on my shelf, and that the gay themes weren't subtle, but at the heart of the matter, and he said that ruined it for him too. Now, I knew all of that before I saw the movie, and it didn't ruin any of it for me. I didn't tell him any of the plot. I didn't tell him the ending. I didn't tell him the beginning. I didn't even tell him about the music or the lighting or the direction or the dialogue. And there are a ton of fans who've actually read the graphic novel that it's based on, and it hasn't ruined the movie for them.

I remember once we went to a movie with friends, and he insisted on going and sitting by himself. Another time I bought him a ticket for opening night for X-Files, and he didn't want to go. And yet another time, we were supposed to see Pleasantville with my friend Carrie, and he was super stressed because she was running a few minutes late. He said he wasn't going because he didn't want to miss any of the movie. Now, you have to realize that it wasn't time for the movie to start yet, and we lived less than a block from the theater. Carrie & I tried to talk him into going, but then just went without him. I almost didn't go either. But then we didn't miss any of the movie, and it was one of the most fun times I've ever had at a theater! Another time, Mark & I saw Resident Evil 2 with Mollie, and when we left the movie, Mollie & I were saying we didn't like it that much (I hated the direction), and Mark was going on & on about how he liked it better than the first one. The other day he said that he never said that and that it was really stupid. I thought maybe I got it wrong, so I called Mollie and I asked her if she remembered us seeing that movie, and if she remembered what Mark thought of it (and I was really careful to not tell her what I had thought he said), and she confirmed that he said that he liked it better than the first one. Mark does that all the time. His memory is only so so, and a lot of times I'll tell him something and then 10 minutes later he'll tell me what I told him, thinking that it's news. It's frustrating, but it's just something I've accepted as part of Mark over the years. At first I thought he was kidding, but he's not. It wouldn't be so bad if he could remember that his memory sucks and accept when I point out what has actually happened, but it never ends that way; it ends with him asking why I'm so mean, and why I'm telling this horrible lie. I know that me being memory boy I should just smile and accept everything he tells me (after I've just told him) but my memory is a huge source of pride for me...and it hurts to hear someone tell you something you've just told them because it implys that they weren't REALLY listening to you. Like I'll tell him my schedule, and then an hour later or something he'll ask me if I work the next day. It's not his fault, and I know that, but it really annoys me. I should be more grown up about it, and accept it, and just not let it bother me, and sometimes it just doesn't anymore, but other times it's horrible. And, the movie thing, I just think from now on, I should plan on seeing movies without him, and just never, ever discuss them with him. It just seems like that would be the best course of action. And after I decided that he asked me more about the movie in the car, and I just said that I wasn't going to discuss it with him. And then he ranted some more.

I used to love seeing movies with Mark. And sometimes I still do. We see a movie every year to celebrate the anniversary of the night we met (Dec 19), and that's usually fun; we saw King Kong on the last such day, which I really enjoyed. And we saw Brokeback Mountain together, which was nice. The way I react to things on television tends to annoy him, so I prefer to watch things without him at home, and then let him watch them too, and then discuss them with him, if at all. That seems to work out well. But we watch some things together and it's great! We watch Dawson's Creek, and we watched some Desperate Housewives, and we both really enjoyed that, but for the most part I really like watching movies by myself. Because then I don't have to worry about offending him or pissing him off, and I can stop the movie when I want to, and do whatever. It's nice. And it's not something that's done to hurt him or bother him in any way - just the opposite in fact.

On the good news front, I spoke to Amber (who also saw V4V & loved it), and she's moving back to Michigan. She's moving in with her ex-now-current-bf Chris, in Detroit. This is very cool, and she says that she didn't realize how much she missed me until our recent visit, and that she plans on spending a lot more time with me, which pleases me a great deal.

Also with the good news, I started the new DS9 book, and it rocks!

I work today, and tomorrow, and Friday. I should probably start looking for another job also. But part of me doesn't feel like Mark will really buy another car. I think he only said that to hurt me. And it worked. Because of my acid reflux, if I'm upset I can't eat or sleep. I wanted to do both before work, and now I can't. I think Mark & I will calm down, and we'll compromise, and things will work out.

Oh, and Mark read what I wrote about his gambling. He says that he loves that I worry about him but that I need to trust him more. It's not that I don't trust him in general, but this is a situation in which trust doesn't enter into the equation. If someone you loved was messing around with a seriously addictive drug, and you saw that there was a pattern to their intake...that it started out as nothing harmful, and then they started doing more, and then did enough that there was a risk involved, and then they were doing the drug instead of sleeping before work - and they told you that you just needed to trust them more... Wouldn't it mean you loved them less if you just let it slide? Part of me thinks that it most likely is not a problem, but there's another part of me that feels like it's a potential problem, and that side of me is growing, because more signals are coming to light that it is a problem. (And it doesn't help, that his bed is so close to his computer that I'm constantly seeing him laying down with just a hand on the mouse, gambling - which brings back images of the opium den from "The Lover".) He started out playing in games where there was no money involved. Then he started playing games where you could win money, but not lose any. Now he's playing games where you can lose money. He sets up his schedule around when the tournaments happen (I think there are 3 a day or something like that) and when he's not playing a tournament he's playing the computer. It's almost a constant. Shouldn't I be worried? Fuck that! I AM WORRIED. And I don't think it's wrong to voice that. He gave me a list of things he'd want for his birthday; there were six items on the list, and 3 of them related to gambling! I told him I would never buy him anything like that, and that to do so would be like buying a shirt for someone in rehab that read "I like smack, give me some!".

Bottom line: I'm worried about Mark gambling, and I'm not afraid to say that, and I don't think that should be interpreted as a failure to trust him.

I might actually be able to take a nap, I took 1 midrin earlier after I woke up with a migrain, and so I'm still a little spacey. Maybe...

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:51 AM
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