Sunday, November 18, 2007

I haven't written in nearly 3 weeks. In that time, I've nearly gotten over my cold symptoms; just a cough here or there now. I'm no longer with Lucas, who completely screwed me over. I'm preparing gifts for some close friends. I'm planning a party for a family member. I'm working. I'm dating. I'm excited about the final Sara Jane Adventure that will air tomorrow, and I'm reading yet another Star Trek book. In short, I'm ok.

About Luke. He texted me on Friday, October 26th (when I was at work), asking if I'd like to come over and stay the night at his new place in Toledo. I said sure. He assured me that he didn't have a cold, as he'd first thought, and that it was just allergies, which were now under control. He later called me again, and texted me a couple times (as he often did), one of text messages read simply: "I'm so happy." When I got to his new apartment (which, was kind of crappy), we watched part of Shortbus, which I'd brought with me, and then went to bed. I had gotten lost on the way to his place, and it was now around 3am I think. We had sex, which was good, like always, then he wanted to smoke a joint, and insisted I get dressed and go out with him. I was kind of shakey, because at that point, I'd had trouble eating for more than a week, and I'd started losing weight - which is never good for me. He kept jabbing me about going out with him though, so I went. I was cold and shivering, and he was smoking pot, and he had this huge coughing fit, which he blamed on the pot, but this is a guy who smokes pot constantly, so that seemed unlikely. We eventually went to sleep. I had really good dreams.

The next morning I met Luke's roomie Carrie Blum, who's a few years older than him. They met when they worked at McDonald's together, years before, I think. I didn't feel at all well, but chose to stay later than I had planned because there was a UofM Football game and I was timing my drive so that I wouldn't have to deal with the traffic. Luke told me that Carrie always steals his boyfriends, which I didn't understand. He asked if he could keep Shortbus, so he could finish watching it and show it to some friends. I was reluctant to leave it behind, but I figured it wasn't a big deal, and relented. I left around 3pm, making sure to get the flowers that Luke had given me the night before, with the nice note that read: "For the man I adore and cherish.... I want to get it right this time around xoxo Luke".

I got a pizza on the way home; thinking that if I could keep any of it down it would do me some real good...but the pizza tasted awful, and I only ate a small portion of it. I was feeling very depressed about my condition at this point, and just not happy about anything. Things with Luke seemed to be fine, but there was something just under the surface that I couldn't put my finger on, but my physical stuff was so bothersome that I thought I might just be imagining shit. This has happened to me before; I should have known better. Late that night, actually 3:05am Sunday morning, Luke texted me: "I am very drunk" and that was all.

Sunday, October 28th, I was so miserable that I called into work. I didn't realize I was coming down with a cold. The colds that I've gotten in the last few years, while annoying, haven't been that bad, because my diet has been a lot better. Well, now that wasn't true. And I couldn't eat anything to help myself. And all of this weighed on me greatly. Add to this, that I had a fever that I wouldn't comprehend for several days, and you can understand why I was kind of losing it at this point. Thankfully, Mark was here, and in his best of best friend modes. He took care of me better than anyone could have at that point, and it's proably the only reason I'm still here.

I had Monday the 29th off work. I stayed in bed. I was so cold, yet hot. And crazed. I felt a lot better for much of the morning, but then later things got worse very quickly. I was now almost certain that I'd caught a cold. I still didn't realize that I had a fever. I had taken my own temperature, and though the results clearly showed that I had a fever, my brain was so boiled that I didn't translate it as such. I was getting depressed again.

Mark called in to work for me on Tuesday, when I found that I had a fever of nearly 102. Mark figured it out when I asked for another blanket. My room is constantly hot, because only 1 tiny section of it faces the outside world, and that's all but covered up - with all my other walls shared by other people, 2 of which seem to love the heat. Mark knew right off that something was wrong when I was shivering in my room. I posted something about the fever in my myspace blog, as I'd posted some rather odd things in the last few days.

I still had a fever on Halloween Wednesday, and I called in again. I spoke to Bryan, who was also sick, and I was bummed that I wasn't feeling well on Halloween because I was going to dress all weird for work. My fever broke later that day. If you've never experienced such a thing, it's a kind of strange, but happy thing. You sweat a lot, and then you feel like you're back to normal, with things seeming a lot less intense and crazy. My voice, when it worked at all, still sounded odd, and my laughter, when I did laugh, sounded really scary.

Thursday was much the same, though my cold was brutal. And my voice was still mostly gone. On Friday, November 2, I called work and let them know that I could work if they needed me but that I'd prefer to not come in. DJ had answered, heard my voice, and all but insisted that I stay at home. lol. It made me feel slightly better to know that he knew that I wasn't just calling in for no reason. I could never fake that wretched sounding voice. lol

Around Friday, I realized that I hadn't heard from Luke since that short text message Saturday night, which was strange, because he was usually leaving me messages 24/7. The week before my visit to his new place he texted me 11 times, and left me several messages. I thought maybe he had read one of my blogs, and felt guilty that he'd given me a cold. Or perhaps, I had in some way made him ill after all, and he was just as sick as I was. I left him a voicemail letting him know I was sorry that I hadn't called, but that I'd had a horrible fever, but that I was slowly recovering. He didn't call me back. I left him another message the next day. Still nothing. I went to his myspace page on Monday November 5, and saw that he'd been on there that day. I sent him a myspace message entitled "What's goin on with Lucas?" which read:

I haven't heard from you in 8 days. The last message I did get was a text message telling me how drunk you were. I've left a couple of messages, but there's been no response, and I know you're not dead, because you logged into yoru myspace account today. I hope everything is alright. I'm still fighting a wicked aweful cold. :-0(

Bald Jason
http://www.gothboy.com

24 hours later there was till no response. But when you send a message to someone on myspace it lets you know if the recipient has read the message, which he had. I sent another message on Tuesday the 6th, titled "I see you got the message..." which read:

...so why no reply?

In the note you gave me with my flowers you said I was the man that you adore and cherish and that you wanted to get it right this time.

You're fucking it up.

Bald Jason
http://www.gothboy.com

I've never gotten a reply.

By Wednesday morning I'd pretty much written off Luke. It was obvious that for some reason it was over between us. He was getting my messages, but not responding. I could assume he was most likely not answering when I called, but I didn't know for sure. I wasn't in love with him, but it wasn't fun. And I had no idea what had changed. I remembered that I had left Shortbus at his apartment and was thinking of going back to his place to get it, but I honestly didn't feel physically up to driving out there. I talked to Mark about it, and figured I'd just order a new copy of the movie, and call it quits.

Wednesday evening, I was feeling a bit better. I hopped online to order the new copy of Shortbus, but the idea of paying for something that I already owned annoyed me. And the thought of Luke enjoying the movie that I'd left at his place annoyed me more. I called him, but he didn't answer. I took a breather; shaved and showered, and decided, though it was kind of late, I was going to drive out to Luke's and try to get my movie back...and maybe get some answers. I brought the flowers he'd given me with me. I figured if he chose to continue with the coward's routine and refused to answer his door that I could leave the flowers there as a clear message of finality.

The drive was mostly good. I actually felt better as I drove, and then worse, right before I got there. I was nervous about what I was doing. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe no one would be there, and I'd have paid for all that gas to drive there for nothing, yet I told myself that even if he wasn't there I might get some closure, and that this was goodbye.

When I got there, I knocked on the front door and Carrie answered. She remembered me and told me that Lucas wasn't in, but when I explained that I'd left a movie there when I'd visited she helped me find it. I asked if Luke was ok, and she said that he was, and I explained that he hadn't spoken to me since the day that I'd last been there. I figured that was that, and I was about to leave when she invited me to stay and talk.

And what a revealing talk this was. I told her the whole Jason / Luke history. She confirmed for me, as other friends of his had, that he stands people up all the time, and that he'd been somewhat better of late, but that he tends to screw over the people that treat him the best. She wanted to play me something that she said Luke had mixed, only it turned out to be a mashup that Luke had me e-mail him after he'd heard it on my computer in Ann Arbor. He'd lied to his roomie, changing the name and said that he had mixed it himself. And he had stupidly tried to explain how he had mixed the 2 songs together, when there were 3 in the mix, which I now pointed out to Carrie. We were bonded in our betrayal by Luke. She also let it slip that Luke had been seeing other men the entire time he & I had been seeing each other; something that Luke had made a point to tell me that he was NOT doing. She told me that he'd had another boy over just that week. I told her that he had mentioned to me that she steals all his boyfriends, and she said that what he means is that he screws over his boyfriends, but that she remains friends with them, and showed me how she had 6 of his ex-bf's programed into her phone. We exchanged phone #'s to continue this cycle. She asked me if I wanted to go see Luke at his work, but then decided we should call him. I told her to try calling him on my phone first, and when she did, he didn't answer, and then she called on her phone and he picked up right away. I could hear his voice and everything he said. He told her that he didn't want to talk to or see me and that she should get rid of me. He became extremely agited when she told him she wouldn't be mean to me, and I was very nearly in tears from all this, which she saw. After he hung up on her, she told me it was ok to cry, but I held it in. I told her I was grateful for her kindness, but that it was so horrible to actually hear all the ugly things about Luke, and to hear him be so cruel. He called back, asking if I was still there, and then asked to talk to me, not knowing that I could hear his conversation with her, and he told me that I should go because I'd probably woken Carrie up when I'd arrived and that she had to get up early in the morning - she could hear him now, as I had when she'd spoken to him, and she looked shocked and annoyed, and she flicked him off. I told him that I hadn't woken her up, and that she'd been nothng but respectful to me, which is more than I could say for him. He asked me if I was going to stalk him now? Which was just uncalled for. Why would I stalk him? I just came to get my movie when he wouldn't answer my messages. I hadn't lied to him, or betrayed him, or even raised my voice to him, and in fact had bailed him out of some horrible situations in the past. It was so painful to hear him talk to me this way. He said he wanted me gone. Part of me wanted to stay just to piss him off, but the rest of me just wanted to be home, and away from this asshole. I told Carrie goodnight, and thanked her again. She said she felt bad for the way Luke was treating me, but I told her it wasn't her fault and that I was just grateful that I now knew what a cowardly monster he was. I asked if she could wait a second, and I got the flowers from the car, and told her that I wanted to return his flowers, which she thought was amusing, and fitting. She said that she had also read the card that he had given me with the flowers, so the idea that he was treating me so unfrairly after claiming to 'adore and cherish' me was even more outragious. I said goodnight. I walked to the car. Called Mark to let him know what had happened. And then I sat in the car and cried for a good 20 minutes.

I felt a little better driving home. I stopped to get some more cough medicine and groceries. I came home. And I was broken.

Since then, I've had brief contact with Carrie, who I'm sending a card and a cd of mashups to again thank her for her kindness. I haven't spoken or heard from Luke.

I did however, randomly meet this great guy named Michael. We've hung out twice now. I don't know if it will lead to something more serious or not, but he's a genuinely sweet boy. And he has some interesting ties to my past, which amuse me. His best friend is the boyfriend of one of my ex-boyfriends. lol. What a small gay world we live in.

I finally finished the 2nd String Theory book, and I'm now reading the final installment of the trilogy. The Sting Theory books are set between the 4th & 5th seasons of Star Trek: Voyager, and have been enjoyable reads so far. They are more of my rather large Star Trek book collection that I've never read previously. I do feel good about reading all these books this year. ;-0)

I've been happy with The Sarah Jane Adventures, which ends it's season tomorrow. And the mini-Doctor Who episode, Time Crash, was on Friday, which for being 7 minutes was pure heaven! It fits into the final moments of "The Last of the Time Lords" and has me excited for the Christmas Special which will air 5 weeks from tomorrow. 5 Weeks with no New Who. :-0(

While writing this long entry, I lost some of the info, which sucked. It's taken me hours to write this entry. One of the nicer delays, was a call from Mollie. I hadn't heard from her in over a week, and was starting to worry. Thankfully, we might have more contact in the coming days.

I'm really tired, and should sleep a bit before work. But I'm also really thirsty. I need to take my prilosec. Hopefully I won't wait so long to write again.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:50 PM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]

   Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I still haven't slept. What's wrong with me exactly? lol. I'm sure I'm fine...I'm just feeling hyper. I'm sure I'll crash in a few hours, which will be fantastic.

Work was mostly dead Sunday night, but also mostly fun. I worked with Meg & Rookie. Rookie is all aglow with a new crush ;-0) Meg was kind of out of it, but we had fun anyways. I gave her another mashup cd, which she adores. I had intended to get groceries after work, but it was colder than I expected, and I headed home instead. I worked on Mollie's present most of the night (again) and eventually slept. Sort of. I slept about 4 hours.

I've been rewatching Star Trek: Voyager. I just finished the 2nd Season. I've never rewatched the whole series like this. I really love some episodes of Voyager, but I really loathe a lot of them. I'm looking forward to Season 4 (my personal favorite, slightly ahead of Season 1), and I'd like to finish with Season 4 before I finish the book I'm reading now, which is a set up for Season 5.

Plans for a surprise party continue. Not sure it will be anything special. But I've tried.

Mark is off with his mom, visiting his twin brother, his brother's wife, and their new baby boy, who I believe was born Friday. I'd have gone but my stomach prevents me from enjoying long car rides. I guess our car is leaking oil. Blah.

I had a horrible headache yesterday. Mark sweetly ran an errand for me before he went to bed. When my headache was mostly gone, I shaved and showered and went to Necto. Michael, and his friend Nater were there. Apparently Nate broke up with Paul a few days ago. I danced with Michael, and talked. It was nice. I bought him a drink. Later, he went to Denny's with his friends, and I went home to take a shower and try to find some clothes that actually fit me, such is the weight loss problem from the last month or so; nothing fits anymore.

Later I went grocery shopping, and Michael called me. We talked while I drove home, and put away groceries...it was all good. I eventually got hungry though and had to let him go. I watched some more Voyager. I burned some more Mollie discs; some problems there set me back, which has me bummed. The final episode of the Sarah Jane Adventures still hasn't been posted in it's complete form, which is also annoying. I've tried to not let that stuff get me down. I've done lots today. Everything but sleep.

I'd like to clean my room. Eat some more. Sleep. Seeing Michael would be nice, but I'm not sure I'd be much fun before sleep, as I'm really quite exhausted. Oh Well. It will work itself out, I'm sure. Actually...I might try to sleep right now. Or not. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:49 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]

   Thursday, November 22, 2007

Wednesday, the cold medicine I had in my bag spilled all over everything, and some got on my sheets. It was gross. Our car is leaking oil. The dryer, with my work clothes in it, decided not to work (it does that sometimes), but then it kicked in just in the nick of time. I got to work on time, and I was in a really good mood.

Work sucked beyond the telling of it. There was this crazy woman...who wasn't horrilbe or anything, just really emotionally distraught to the point that logic and words were not getting through to her. It was sad, but annoying and stressful. I did just about everything right though, according to my coworkers, my manager and the other customers that were there, so I tried to not let it bother me. It was nice to work with so many of my coworkers at once though. ;-0)

After work, Mark & I went to Party America to get decorations for this party that I'm throwing on Saturday. Then we went to Meijer & Barnes and Noble. Then home, where I took some cough medicine and passed out for a few hours before getting ready, and meeting Michael at Necto. It was both goth and gay night, to celebrate the holiday, so I knew a disturbing number of people that were there. Colin, Mark, Freedom, Scott, Keevan, Joey, Becky, Christine...so many friends in one place. It was nice.

The only down side, was that Michael's (who continues to be fantastically adorable) friend Nate, who is dating my ex-boyfriend Paul, was there. I've never had a problem with Nate in the past. I even tried to be friends with him online. I've encouraged Paul to date Nate, when Paul was questioning about stuff that was going on. In short, I don't know him well, but I've always kind of rooted for them to work out. They broke up on Saturday I guess, and Monday night at the bar, he was dancing on all these guys, and according to others that were there, he made out with two guys. I wasn't bothered by it though because he wasn't dating Paul anymore, so there was no conflict for me, as it wasn't any of Paul's business at that point. The next day, Michael told me that after Nate basically hit on him (which pissed me off), and he turned Nate down (which made me glow), he went home and got back together with Paul. I thought that was weird, but they live together, and I figured that what happened when they weren't a couple wasn't that big a deal - I mean - for all I knew, Paul had fooled around too. But here was Nate, without Paul (who apparently wanted to come, but was told he couldn't), dancing on/around/inside of this guy...and it just pissed me off beyond all reason. It made me sick to my stomach, and I almost left. Not only was he doing this, while he was with Paul, but it reminded me of all the boys that have screwed me over, and nobody did anything to stop it. I stormed off and almost left, but went back to dance with Michael, where things on the dancefloor continued as before....

Well, eventually, I went over to Nate, who was grinding on this guy's ass, and asked if he and Paul and broken up again. He said no. I told him that if he didn't want Paul to know about this stuff, that he shouldn't fucking do it in front of me. I expected this to stop him from behaving this way...only it didn't exactly; he just went off somewhere with the boy, doing Joss knows what. Ugh. Part of me feels like I should tell Paul. Part of me feels like I gave Nate a warning, and maybe he'll get back on track now, and either make it work with Paul, or get out of the relationship. Either one is fine, but screwing around on Paul is not an option. That's gross and cruel. Paul is my ex, but I don't want to see him hurt or get screwed over. That's just wrong.

It sucks too. Because Nate is really close friends with Michael, and I liked that though we didn't know each other well, that I kind of knew him, and that we apparently got along, and now he's put me in this really awkward position, where I feel like I should not like him because of his behavior, and in fact I'm leaning that way at the moment. And now, knowing that he didn't just stop dancing with this boy, but he went somewhere then where I couldn't see what he was doing makes me feel weird about seeing Paul. Mark thinks I should tell Paul, but I just don't know. This sucks. I don't know what to do. What I think I'm going to do, but I haven't decided, is to let it go for now. But if I see any such behavior again, all bets are off. Because I gave him a warning, you know? I don't want to be a dick, but I kind of love Paul, and that shit just isn't cool. Erg.

The rest of the night was nice though, once he was out of my sight, and Michael and I were good. He asked me to call him when I got home and I did. Later he called me back, and let me know he talked to Nate about what happened. I guess Nate is bummed that I don't like him at the moment, but it's not like I didn't want to like him. He kind of forced my hand here. I want to get along with him and stuff...I just can't do that if he's screwing over someone I care about, who he should be caring about. Ugh. I'm going in circles here, I'm so tired.

Michael is coming over this evening, after I get home from work to watch the Thanksgiving episode of Buffy. Friday, I work again, but don't have any plans after that. Saturday is the party, which Mark & Michael are both also attending. I work Sunday night; have Monday-Wednesday off, then work Thursday & Friday. I have Saturday off and I close on Sunday. And that's all I know at this point. Except that I need to scrub the makeup off my face, and get to bed before the Nate/Paul angst drive me bonkers.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:20 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]

Talking about Buffy made me want to revisit some of it. I just watched some...and just like when it first aired, I cried like a baby. :-0( I miss that show. Now I can sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:03 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]

Got up around 10am. Read my e-mail. I read the Doctor Who News, Torchwood News, Sarah Jane News, News News, Gay News, Entertainment News (Christian Bale to play John Connor in T4!), More Entertainment News, Even More Entertainment News, and Still More Entertainment News. That's something I do almost every day. It's part of why I'm informed on a lot of stuff for work, and it amuses me.

Ooh. Michael posted a blog on his myspace page in which I figure, though I don't think you can read it if you aren't one of his friends. Maybe I'm wrong. But it's very nice.

I'm gonna get something to eat. Maybe chat with Mark. Get ready for work. Michael is coming over after I get home from work and we're watching the Thanksgiving episode of Buffy ("Pangs"). And possibly "The House of Yes".

I figure the Buffy episode will be cool for him, as he has seen most of ANGEL, but next to zero Buffy, and that episode fills in a gap in the ANGEL series. In ANGEL's "The Bachelor Party", Angel's sidekick Doyle has a vision of Buffy in trouble. In "Pangs" Angel shadows Buffy to protect her then heads back to L.A. - and on ANGEL's "I Will Remember You" Buffy follows Angel back to L.A. to confront him about certain aspects of his visit, which lead to more Angel comments in the next Buffy ("Something Blue") and more Buffy comments in the next ANGEL ("Hero"). Crossovers are fun. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:16 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]

   Friday, November 23, 2007

Work was mostly dead on Thanksgiving, but I worked with Bryan, Meg, Bill, John, Alex & Brad. After work I came home, and cleaned up a bit. Later talked to Mollie & Michael on the phone. Michael came over and we watched the Pangs, just like we planned. We were both tired so we slept for awhile, then got up for some fun (with more hickies, and some sore spots - not the diseased kind! lol), and then more Buffy. He's helping me with some Doctor Who dvds for Mollie, which are working out. He just left to get some food. He's fun.

I'm gonna get some food myself. I need to take a nap later before work. After work tonight I plan on catching up on some sleep. Saturday I have that party, with Mark & Michael in tow. ;-0)

Food. Now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:41 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]

   Saturday, November 24, 2007

Work was crazed yesterday. Mostly having to do with computer malfunctions...and soul-less, two-faced, corporate types trolling the location upon my arrival. Ick. But I got to work with so many great peeps, and see so many cool people as well. T-Bone, my 'blog stalker' and alternate universe version of me was there! I hadn't seen her in person in ages! She & her husband Box were feeling under the weather, so send them lots of happy sickness destroying thoughts! ;-0)

After work, and many sleepless hours, I went directly home, crashed in my room - watched some Buffy, but fell asleep during, at around 8pm. I slept until a bit after 5am. Nice. I had this dream though, that I was friends with Brad Pitt, who invited me to try out for this movie, even though I'm not an actor. I was waiting in line with all these other guys who were really into the acting thing, wondering why I'd been invited to this...and when I finally reached a point where I could see the scene playing out with Brad, it involved each guy offering him some bottled water and then making out with him!?! The director, at this point, made sure that every guy in line knew that this is what the scene required and anyone not comfortable with that should leave. I almost left. Because in the dream, Brad was my friend, and it seemed odd. lol. But I toughed it out, and gave him an amazing kiss, but it made us both laugh, and he told me he brought me in to keep things light and give him a breather from the serious actor types. I remember thinking I was proud of him for planning to appear in such an openly gay film. lol They picked some final people, which didn't include me, and then the rest of us were hurded out. As we were sent on our way, we were told that we had signed agreements telling us that none of us could reveal anything about the audition or we would be arrested - as such rumors might hurt the film being made. Now this part is one of those things that only makes sense in dreams, but the whole waiting in line part, and all that, took place outside in a wooded area, but when they made us leave we came up into my old church out of the basement section, and this wasn't shocking at all! Later, I snuck back in to watch the rest of the tryouts (sneaking passed some truly obnoxious body guard types. Only to find that the rest of the audition was Brad fucking the rest of the 'winners'. lol And in my dream, Brad was supposedly still straight, so seeing my friend pound away on these boys (there was some fisting as well - ick) was quite an eye opener, and I was left wondering if I should tell him what I'd seen or not. But then I found some evidence that proved the movie wasn't being made at all; that Brad just set up the auditions so he could fuck a bunch of Brad worshippers. It was rather disturbing. The rest of my dream branched out in all kinds of wacky directions, but every once in awhile, I'd try to tell someone the truth, only to find that I couldn't which was all kinds of disturbing. lol Dreams are neat.

As a kind of post script to that Dream thing, I just want to state that I've never before found Mr. Pitt attractive when he wasn't playing a vampire. Even after seeing him in Playgirl magazine. But now...strangely, I do. Damn it. Dreams can be neat, but they screw you over sometimes too!

So, I woke up, checked my e-mail, replied to some stuff. I did the facebook, myspace thing, and then I wrote this. I have that party today. I'll be seeing Mark, Michael, Janice, and large group of my family members today. I hope things go smoothly with Jamie. I don't know what started her on this path of Jason hatred and bitchdom, but I'd like to steer her back to a place where it's possible to be in the same room with her, and not have her glaring at me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:24 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]