Sunday, September 7, 2008
I did go to the Aut Bar, and Preston was there, and he was sincere, and everything's ok now. In fact he doesn't remember saying the horrible things that I was told that he said. He's got an apartment now and he's cut way back on the drugs; he looked a lot better.
Jeremy Merklinger was also at the bar and we caught up. I told him all about the drama at work, my happy eating pills, and about my sister and my newly out relative, which he & I had suspected years ago. He told me that he and Danny split up (finally); that he's moved out and is living on his own, in Ann Arbor (on 1st & Anne?), and has done well the last 3 weeks. He still cuts hair. He doesn't work at WRAP anymore, and the Metro Cafe closed down? It was a great visit. Jeremy was the last boy I was in love with, and it was an interesting encounter tonight, as I realized I didn't want to have sex with him. I have very happy memories of fucking him, and us being together, but I doubt we'd ever be together in the form we were before and I don't want to settle. Or...I don't even think that it's that per say, as that we've both moved on, and what we had was perfect for the time, and I don't regret it at all...and it's of the past. Still, it's always fantastic to see him.
The only weird part of seeing Jeremy was when he told me lurid details about my cousin Jeremy, whom this Jeremy had slept with - all kinds of details that I had no need to ever know! Ugh. lol. Jeremy also told me that he had met Preston before online a few years before and that Preston had lied about his age, but that they ended up not hooking up anyways.
After the bar, Preston wanted me to see his place so I followed his directions and met him there. It was a nice apartment, that's been kind of trashed, by him and his roomie; a cute lesbian named Chris/Kris(?). Their friend Lucy, that I'd met downtown ages ago, in the Diag, was also there. Preston wanted me to stay the night, and told me that he loved me; that he loved everything he knew about me; that when we were apart that he missed me and spent a lot of time on my website. I told him that it wasn't a good idea. That I have issues, and that he has issues. He talked about how he wanted his life to be complete and I talked to him about how people have to make their lives complete on their own; they can't just couple with someone and look to another person to do it for them. I think I could be a very positive influence in Preston's life. And he's very cute, friendly, and I know from his attack on me that he gives killer head. lol. I just think we'd make much better friends than lovers.
After I left the apartment and it's assorted peeps behind, I went to Kroger, left Mollie a message on her cell, and did some fast shopping. I tried to get an application from Kroger, but they said I have to go online. I came home, told Mark about my night, and came to room to write this. I'll probably take a shower, read, and eat before I eventually sleep.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:11 AM
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I woke up several times this morning, but still felt I slept well. I finally got up around 1pm. I read. I had a slight headache so I ate and read some more, but my headache just got worse. I eventually took some Midrin. My stomach was also feeling weird, but I think it's calming down. Not sure what's going on. I assumed it was just my body being weird, but Mark said he's feeling the same way. My headache is NOT gone, at all, despite the Midrin; that's odd.
I have less than 50 pages left in my book. I'll probably finish it tonight.
I did something today I've been meaning to do for ages. I took the scant few Live Journal entries I had from years ago, and posted them here. I couldn't bring the comments over without a lot of trouble, but it was the entries I wanted anyways. Then I deleted my live journal account. I still have another Live Journal account that was dedicated to slash art, which may still be useful if I get back into that, but the other one, the one I just deleted has been completely replaced with this one.
I think I'm gonna take another midrin (it's been over an hour so that's allowed, per the directions) a hot shower to try to kill this headache. I need to shave anyways, as I work at 7pm.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:36 PM
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That 3rd Midrin plus a hot shower has at least zoned out much of the headache, which I'm very happy about. I need to get ready for work, and eat if I have time. This is the last night that I'm scheduled to close at Hollywood, and might be my last shift if nothing is worked out. Wacky.
posted by Bald Jason at 05:55 PM
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Monday, September 8, 2008
I went into work ontime yesterday...only I was no longer on the schedule!?! The new cog in the machine (aka our new manager) posted a new schedule that didn't include me. I worked a few hours anyways, with Bill & Amanda, and it was like going to a funeral. The death of Hollywood. I took Amanda's 4 hours shift on Tuesday, but besides that I'm work free this week. Bill & Mike are planning on leaving Hollywood by this Saturday. Everyone else is looking for work too. It's a sad state of affairs.
After work I got my grocery money out of the bank, but then didn't get groceries. I came home, read my e-mail, and found a virus on my computer which Mark fixed while I finished my Trek book, which I really enjoyed. I started the final (for now) Titan novel, which I'm also enjoying. I'm currently chatting gay.com as I write this, and listening to Torchwood tunes...with David Bowie begging to "let the children boogie". :-0)
These little moments are fantastic!
posted by Bald Jason at 03:52 AM
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Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday mostly sucked.
I had a headache and couldn't sleep, and all kinds of other annoyances. And when I finally felt ok...well...nothing happened. lol. I wanted to hook up with Michael, but he was working; he said he'd get me an application though, and he later invited me to dinner, but I'd just eaten.
I spoke to my sister Janice and my nephew Jordan earlier, which was fun. I feel like I'm bonding more and more with him, which is really cool. I've always loved my sister and her kids, but lately Jordan and I seem to be connecting on a person to person level which isn't something I ever expected, but it's really nice.
Preston called and wanted me to go to Necto but I was watching "The Spiderwick Chronicles" with Mark, which was ok, but not great. Preston called again later, wanting me to come over to his house if I couldn't make it to Necto, but I just felt like staying in...and it felt good to do that. Sometimes when you stay in it feels like you're missing something else, even if you didn't want to go, but tonight I was satisfied to be right where I was.
I watched the new 90210, which didn't impress me. In fact, it kind of did the oposite. It's wasn't all the sex, and swearing and all that - it was just so glam that it was hard to take it seriously. I never loved the original, but I thought I'd give this one a chance...and I just don't think it's for me, despite the cute stars.
Then I watched the first episode of "True Blood", which I didn't expect to like, but I fell in love with it. It's so fucking funny! I'm pretty sure I've guessed a major plot twist, but maybe I'm wrong. I think Mollie might enjoy this one, which I felt compelled to call and tell her half way through the program. We had a nice chat.
20 days until Sarah Jane!
The 4th Titan book is good...but I'm not sure I'm enjoying as much as the last one. It's very kind of...smaller scale & it's oddly paced, but I'm trying to go with the flow, and I'm enjoying it...it's just very different than what what's come before. Once I'm through with this book I'll be all caught up on the Titan books. Then I've 1 Enterprise book to read, and 1 Next Generation book. If I had the time, I'd also read 3 I.K.S. Gorkon books, and a half dozen New Frontier books, but I'm hoping those are less important than the others, and that I can catch up with those later. Still, about 2 years ago, my Trek book shelf was packed with books I'd never read, but now I've read more than half of them, and I've added new books almost every month! So I'm accomplishing a long term goal. Go me!
So, I'm looking for work today, and somehow I'm covering a shift later. I wonder if it will be my last? I keep thinking about that and it's sad...but the magic is gone. Mark wants me to stick it out...but it feels like it's already over, you know? My job was cool because of the people that I worked with, and for the most part, that's all over now.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:19 AM
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Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I'm done working at Hollywood Video. It's sad because I really enjoyed that job, but the Hollywood that I enjoyed so much is probably gone forever. DJ was fired. Bryan & John put in their 2 week notices. Mike's last night was last night. Bill's last night is on Saturday. And I guess my last shift was yesterday as well. It's not just that DJ was fired and that I love him. That's not why so many people are jumping ship. It's the corporate cogs that are dragging Hollywood Video down into the muck. It's disgusting. The new policies are stupid, deceptive (to the public), offensive (to anyone with a brain), and I can't work in a place that has so little respect for both it's employees and the community that it serves. I can't. I won't.
posted by Bald Jason at 01:05 AM
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So...there are 2 new DS9 books coming out next year. The first of which is called "The Soul Key" (for now anyways) and is a direct followup on the last volume in the DS9 Relaunch, which means it's a part of Season 9 of DS9.
The 2nd novel is called "The Never Ending Sacrifice", which is also the name of a famous Cardassian novel, within Star Trek, that Garak mentioned on the show. It's just been revealed that this novel: "actually begins in Season 2 of Deep Space Nine, and continues through the current post-TV novels, moving some months beyond Fearful Symmetry and The Soul Key...the decision to begin the story in Season 2 is not a random one, and that readers will learn for the first time what it was like to be on the ground on Cardassia in the years before, during, and after the Klingon invasion, the destruction of the Obsidian Order, the rise of Dukat as Union leader under the Dominion, the Dominion War itself, and the postwar years--all from the perspective of someone who isn't Garak."
That the book isn't from Garak's point of view makes sense, as we've already seen his point of view on many of those events, and he was on DS9 during that time. But this does not preclude him from being part of the post DS9 story in the novel, as Garak IS on Cardassia for that period of time, and I've read previously that Garak is one of the author's favorite characters, which is supported by the fact that the other 2 novels I've read by her heavily featured Garak. Though I have to say that one of these novels I ended up not liking, so I'm slightly nervous about this title. But I'm extremely jazzed about The Soul Key as I loved the book just prior to that one (Fearful Symmetry) which was written by the same author.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:19 PM
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I just updated some Sarah Jane stuff on my website.
And in case you missed it before, I want to see this movie:
It's based on the life of Harvey Milk. I ate in a cafe named after him in San Francisco, "Harvey's". I think Milk was the first openly gay mayor to be elected in the United States, and though he was assassinated, he opened a lot of doors. Sean Penn stars, and James Franco is in the movie as his lover. And I've just read that James Franco is attached to star in "Howl", based on the life of Allen Ginsberg; another famous gay man. Go James! Emile Hirsch is also in the movie, who won me over when he played gay in "The Mudge Boy". :-0)
I should have posted this entry an hour ago, but was distracted by the news, and this article.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:47 PM
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Michael's planning (if he's not too tired) to come over after he gets out of class. Then, if he's not too tired after visiting with me, we might have his roomie Chris over for some AVP.
I rewatched the 4th Season finale of Who. It's so good! It's so packed with continuity, and the ending is so devastating. I love it.
I need to get groceries. And take a shower. Probably not in that order.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:23 PM
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"I know you feel betrayed..."
"Yes, well that's one of the unfortunate side effects of betrayal."
I hear ya, Joss.
I just lost my job & my lover in less than 24 hours. Possibly a friend, or friends.
I'm feeling extremely broken at the moment.
And I was listening to "My Skin" by Natalie Merchant when it all collided. Perfect. My life is a tv show, with a dramatic tv show soundtrack.
What does this all mean? I have no answers.
posted by Bald Jason at 08:52 PM
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Thursday, September 11, 2008
I added a new section to my webpage to cover the 2 collages I've done. The first one was in the bedroom where I came of age. The most recent one is in the bedroom I live in now. I've only posted a few pictures of the new one, and none of the old (I have to scan all of those), but for those who want to see pictures of my collages you can see them here. Bookmark the page, as I'll be updating it soon... Or if you just read my blog all the time, then I'll make a note of the updates here and you can just click over and see them. ;-0)
posted by Bald Jason at 05:35 AM
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I mixed a new cd for myself called -
ZeroSexTearsTwilight
01 Where is Everybody? - Nine Inch Nails
02 Demons - Macy Gray & Fatboy Slim
03 Teardrop - Massive Attack
04 Zero Sum - Nine Inch Nails
05 Hidden Place - Bjork
06 DJ - David Bowie
07 In This Twilight - Nine Inch Nails
08 It Ain't Easy - David Bowie
09 Goodnight Lovers - Depeche Mode
10 People Are Still Having Sex [Edit] - La Tour
11 Where Is Everybody? [Remix] - Nine Inch Nails
12 Demon Teardrops - Macy Gray & Fatboy Slim vs. Massive Attack
13 Tear Zero - Nine Inch Nails vs. Massive Attack
14 Hidden Sum - Nine Inch Nails vs. Bjork
15 DJ Twilight - Nine Inch Nails vs. David Bowie
16 Easy Twilight - Nine Inch Nails vs. David Bowie
17 Where Lovers Have Sex - Nine Inch Nails vs. Depeche Mode vs. La Tour
I might give copies to my friends. I like the flow of it, and it feels the way I feel at the moment. Been listening to it on repeat. I wrote a poem to go with the cd, which is dedicated to Michael.ZeroSexTearsTwilight
We saw the lies
We saw the pain
For so long pleasure our refrain
But songs must end
For people die
In spite of never knowing why
In spite of all we never know
Wounds will heal
Sky will snow
World will freeze
World will end
Doesn't mean we won't be friends
Doesn't mean we will forget
Doesn't mean we know regret
For we fought hard
As passion swirled
Bombarded by the lies we hurled
Took all inside as our toes curled
In the twilight of our world.Written By Jason Wright
September 11, 2008I'm shivering.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:27 PM
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Thanks to a quirk of UK Television we'll actually be able to see the first 2 episodes of Sarah Jane on Semptember 29th. This means if we get them as soon as they air, there will be 16 days of nothing new between Sarah Jane & Doctor Who...and that the longest we'll go with no Whonvierse episodes between now and Christmas is 18 days, which is how long we have to wait before Sarah Jane starts up. Here's a schedule of when all this airs:
The Sarah Jane Adventures
2x01 The Last Sontaran, Part I
2x02 The Last Sontaran, Part II
Monday, September 292x03 Day of the Clown, Part I
Monday, October 62x04 Day of the Clown, Part II
Monday, October 132x05 Secrets of the Stars, Part I
Monday, October 202x06 Secrets of the Stars, Part II
Monday, October 272x07 The Mark of the Berserker, Part I
Monday, November 32x08 The Mark of the Berserker, Part II
Monday, November 102x09 The Temptation of Sarah Jane Smith, Part I
Monday, November 172x10 The Temptation of Sarah Jane Smith, Part II
Monday, November 242x11 Enemy of the Bane, Part I
Monday, December 12x12 Enemy of the Bane, Part II
Monday, December 8Doctor Who - 2008 Christmas Special
Wednesday, December 24Also, yesterday there was an audio episode of Torchwood broadcast, which can be downloaded here (right click on 'here' then select 'save target as'). The title of this special auido episode of Torchwood is "Lost Souls" and it features Jack, Gwen, Ianto & Martha Jones! It's a nice bit of fun.
posted by Bald Jason at 05:46 PM
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Can I just stand up and say how much I love Matt Damon?
posted by Bald Jason at 06:37 PM
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Friday, September 12, 2008
I woke up hot. I had a dream, in which I was late for work at Hollywood Video. I was pushing myself on little more than a sleed on wheels, through traffic, though I was doing so with some skill. I eventually made back behind the store, where it was obvious the location had become a ghetto. I had to climb a barbed wire fence to get in, and it was very late; dark. There was a drive through McDonalds that was little more than a gate with a security guard inside, and I considered stopping for a snack but hurried into work instead...and then I woke up feeling feverish.
I stumbled downstairs and got a cold cherry pepsi from the fridge. I haven't been drinking them, because they sometimes upset my stomach, but I didn't care at this point. I wanted something cold. It did the trick. It brought me out of the dream, back to waking world. I took some prilosec and reglan just to be safe with the stomach trouble.
I read about 100 pages of my book last night. I have about 140 left I think. The book is itelf, like an odd dream. I don't like it as much as the last 2, and I'm eager to finish this one, and read the latest Next Generation volume.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:04 AM
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34 years & 1 month old today.
Ooh. I just read there's a 1-off Torchwood / Doctor Who Children in Need special in the works. This is news to me, as I'd heard they weren't doing one this year, and if it's true that's just fab. That's 1 more episode of Who / Torchwood, and we seriously don't have enough of those running around at the moment. The Children in Need Telethon has hosted 2 recent mini-episodes of Who, and I believe the they usually air in November (I just checked and this year's program is on Friday, November 14). This may explain the comment that though there are only 5 episodes of Torchwood next season, there may be more episodes - which has always struck me as odd - like why & how would they come back to film an extra episode or two without some MAJOR plans being cooked up? Anyways - It looks like we may be getting 14 more adventures this year after all...24 (or possibly 25) episodes in Season 31 of the Whoniverse. These episodes would include the 12 upcoming episodes of Sarah Jane, Doctor Who's 'Music of the Spheres', 2008 Children in Need, 2008 Who Christmas Special, 4 2009 Who Specials, 5 2009 Torchwood episodes, and a possible 2009 Children in Need Special.
Season 32 of the Whoniverse will feature at least 13 episodes of Doctor Who (in 2010). It's unknown at this time if a 4th series of Torchwood, a 3rd series of Sarah Jane, or any other specials will be greenlit to join the Doctor at that time. But there are also rampant rumors of an upcoming FILM version of the series, which would be fine with me, as long as it's a continuation of the show, and not just an adaptation of the series.
My Wild Cherry Pepsi is now gone.
17 Days until Sarah Jane.
78 Days between The Christmas Special and the Easter Special. Why do these figures get stuck in my brain?
posted by Bald Jason at 07:33 AM
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I watched the first 2 NEW episodes of "The Secret Diary of a Call Girl", with Billie Piper; nice to be entertained by Hannah Belle again. ;-0) Then I updated a bunch of stuff on my site, and got Mark up for work. He wants to (weather permitting) get a picture of us in the park or something this weekend, to give to his parents, who want a photo of me & Mark to put on their wall. They've been really accepting of me in the last year or so. It just took about 13 years to wear them down. lol
And I finally finished watching 'Gay Sex in the 70s', which I've been watching in spurts (no pun intended), since I bought it last year. I don't know why I never devoted the time to watch it in one sitting, except that maybe it was slightly painful to see so much joy given life, when I knew it was about to be snuffed out. It was very informative though.
posted by Bald Jason at 09:41 AM
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Ooh. Also, various rumors are circulating, that the 8th Doctor might return in flashback during one of the specials next year - a flashback to the Time War, which the 8th Doctor fought in. It was hinted in the first episode of the new series ("Rose"), that the Doctor had recently regenerated. I would pretend to kill, to see the 8th Doctor, in the Time War, regenerating into the 9th Doctor!!! ;-0)
111 pages left in my book.
I spoke to my sister Janice on the phone about her crazy week. I love her.
I need to get some more sleep, but it's just not happening. I think the neighbors have their heat on or something.
posted by Bald Jason at 11:17 AM
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I did eventually sleep, but it was kind of hit or miss, and when I did wake up for good, it felt like it took a long time to come out of it, which is never a good sign in my opinion. I should scan pictures, or clean, or something. I should read.
I feel isolated.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:15 PM
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I cleaned up the kitchen, and did the remaining dishes (including some I found in Mark's room). I got a lot of stuff cleaned in the kitchen that I didn't realize was dirty; it was kind of dusgusting. And I killed 2 spiders. We have a lot of spiders here; not very scary ones. All the homes around here do. I think it's because we live so near the water, that there are just lots of insects, which is what spiders eat, so there you go. lol They don't bother me when they're outside, but I don't like having them indoors. Though there was a spider that lived in our doorway for awhile that I actually grew attached to; Mollie named him Herman. It felt like he was guarding our home from bugs, and he knew not to come inside. I think the landscape people killed him, because one day after they were here his web was completely torn away and he was gone forever.
I have some laundry I could do...
posted by Bald Jason at 04:45 PM
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I started my laundry, sorted some recyclabels, bagged up the trash, and did some spot cleaning downstairs...and something inside me just sort of snapped into place.
I've been kind of down the last few days, what with the losing my favorite job to a bunch of lying corporate asses... and on top of all that I found out I was lied to about something by Michael, my ex, and up until then, lover. Only I think I know what's bothering me so much about it, and it's probably a good thing for all involved that this all happened...
See. Michael and I started dating back in November, and that lasted until March. 4 months. He was in many ways, a fantastic boyfriend; in many of the most important ways... but something just wasn't clicking. I wasn't in love with him. I knew this because I've been in love before and while what we had was nice, and I would have continued it, I had the strong impression that he was falling in love with me, which turned out to be true; he was planning on telling me, but then I broke up with him.
But I broke up with him, not because he was mean to me, or did anything wrong - but because I thought I might end up hurting him more later on if I wasn't honest with him about my feeling in the then-here-and-now. He accepted this, though it hurt for awhile and we continued our friendship...and our sex life, feeling that as long as we were honest with how things were going, we'd be ok. Only we weren't. Honest I mean.
It went well for the next 4 or 5 months. I ended up dating (or something like dating) a boy named Jordan, who is very cool, and very sweet and all that, but his work schedule is so insane that I've only ever seen him a handful of times, which makes dating him problematic. Michael and I continued hanging out, and having sex. Michael began hanging out with this guy Christopher Reynolds, whom I met briefly at a New Year's Eve party that I attended while dating Michael. I asked Michael many times if he was attracted to Chris, as Chris seemed to be in love with him, but Michael always said he wasn't attracted to him at all. I just wanted to know because if Michael was interested in Chris I wanted to back off, so as not to feel...jilted. lol. For lack of a better word.
Things got more complicated when Chris confided in me that he was in love with Michael, and it became apparent that he didn't know that Michael and I were still sleeping together. I told Michael that if we were to continue sleeping together that he had to tell Chris the truth, because covering for Michael was (and felt) very dishonest, and was now putting me in a difficult position. Michael told Chris. Chris accepted this. He later told me that he was attracted to me too, which he assumed that Michael had told me, only he never had. Chris expressed interest in a 3some, that would have been fine with me actually, if Chris didn't seem to be in love with Michael, which just made me feel like it would have to hurt him on some level, as Michael had told me that he wasn't attracted to Chris at all and I figured that was bound to come out in a 3 way setting. It was just...uncomfortable for awhile.
Oh. About this time, it came to light that Chris, who apparently has some money, was spending a lot of cash on Michael. I knew this somewhat, but didn't really catch on to it until one of them asked me (I can't remember which one was which in this part) if I'd used an assumed screen name or e-mail address to tell (it must have been Michael that asked me) Chris that Michel was using him for his money. This struck me as rather insulting (both to me, and to them), but oddly funny, so I mostly just let it slide. I did start noticing though that Chris was spending a lot of money on Michael, which worried me, as I knew that Chris had very deep feelings for Michael, and I'd been told by Michael that Chris wasn't an option for him - in fact he often told me stories about Chris hitting on him in private and making sexual references - and shooting those options down. I think the stories were told to impress me, or to make me feel safer or something, but they always made me feel sad for Chris.
Anyways. Michael moved in with Chris; they got a place together. Chris chatted with me again, telling me that he was unpacking all of Michael's stuff, as he wasn't doing it, which struck me as odd. Then Michael told me he got a new computer, which shortly thereafter, Chris told me he bought it for Michael (that was this week actually). I told Chris that I liked him, and that it worried me that he spent so much money on Michael, when Michael had made it more than obvious to him that he wasn't interested. Chris then told me that Michael had never said any such thing, and that Michael had said that they could go on some dates!?! This was after hearing Michael deny there was anything between them; the last time he said this was after they had gone away together, to a hotel, for the weekend. lol. I mean, I should have known...but I didn't, and that hurt.
We were all supposed to hang out that night, and I cancelled the plans and had an angry conversation with Michael, in which he backpeddled and tried to make everything ok, and acted as though he were the injured party. ["I'm sorry; did my back hurt your knife?" - Friends] And it sucked even more, on a very shallow side, because Michael and I had planned to hook up that night. Physically. lol. And to lose that right before I was going to have it was very disappointing.
But there's a bright side. And a kind of synergy here that I hadn't considered. And now that I see it, it actually amuses me a great deal. I like symbolism and synergy, though I seldom if ever see that kind of thing in real life.
Ok. So in the back of my mind for the last few months I've been considering getting back together with Michael. I mean, it never really felt like we'd stopped seeing each other anyways. And he had proven that he was bigger than a lot of other guys would or could be, and I was starting to think that maybe I was insane to let him go, and the only 2 reasons I hadn't said anything, was that I wanted Chris to have some time to get over the fact that nothing was going to happen, and I wanted to be really sure, so that when I spoke to Michael again, I could tell him I love him. Because I do love Michael, and I don't see that ever changing and that's a beautiful thing. He made me feel safe and loved and he was awesome. lol
I'm laughing right now. I don't know why I'm laughing. But it all just seems so perfect.
Anyways... So either Michael was lying to me about his feelings for Chris (which would be the best thing in my opinion), or he was lying to Chris (which would suck beyond the telling of it). If he was lying to me, because he felt uncomfortable telling me these things, I can understand and forgive that, because I've had to tell these kinds of things to partners and it's never easy...and Michael is young and not as experienced as I am. If he was lying to me, then you know, part of me was lying too, because I wasn't telling him all that I was feeling, and there is a balance in that. And my ego (I do have one) kind of likes the idea of him lying to me to keep sleeping with me, because even though the lie is painful, it's also very flattering. But if he was lying to Chris this whole time, it gets a lot messier. Because why would he lie to Chris, unless he's trying to spare his feelings (which Michael doesn't usually do), or does it really have something to do with the money that Chris spends on him on a constant basis? I choose to think that if he is lying to Chris, then it's not about the money, so much as the feel of someone loving him, and caring enough to spend that kind of money on him - you know? It's not the money itself, it's the reason the money is being spent. Anything else is just too ugly to contemplate, and knowing Michael as I like to think that I do, my mind rejects such base notions.
Now...the sad beauty of this, is that this all settles something that was going on in my mind before all this erupted. Michael really isn't the boy for me. And this revelation came right before I was going to claim that he might be (just like Michael was going to tell me he loved me, and then I ruined that by breaking up with him); it's very balanced. But it's not just that. I mean, I know that I can forgive him for whatever it is that he's done, because he's demontrated more than once, that he deserves to be forgiven; nothing that he's done can outweigh all the wonderfullness he's given me. Michael is a very good friend. I have another very close friend, who lies to me every so often, and I love him more than anyone else in the world. So...why not Michael? People lie. They just do. I do.
This of course means that I need to stop sleeping with Michael, which is gonna suck, because we're very good in that capactiy. Seriously. Very good. lol.
This also means that I can start really looking for a boyfriend. Or if not look for one, that I'm ok with having one, as I was about to propose such a thing to Michael. Which also feels right (and like a weight has been lifted). Like the time has come and all that. I might not actually find anyone...but I'm ready if it happens.
And this makes the Chris/Michael thing a lot less complicated from where I'm sitting, because now if they hook up and live happily ever after, more power to them. And whatever truths or lies they spill to one another won't have me in the middle of them, which has got to be better for everyone involved. Of course, until this week I never really considered them as a couple, but now that I have all the facts, or something resembling facts, I think they'd be great together, as long as they truly dig each other.
And hopefully we'll be able to salvage a friendship out of all this. That's what I want. But that's not completely up to me, so I'll just put the word out about where I'm at, and what I'm feeling, and time will have to sort the rest out. But this feels kind of great. Sort of terrible (change always feels terrible to me), but great. Great in that it seems to flow...like it solves a lot of problems. At least that's how it feels.
"I'm sorry; was I raving?" - Exorcist III
About the job thing. I'm almost glad that it happened. Don't get me wrong. I loved working at Hollwood Video, and I worked with the best crew, and with some of the best customers... But I don't NEED a job to survive at the moment. And I kind of feel like I need time to decide where I'm going next. I mean, jobs are great, but I tend to buy into whatever job I have and forget to look at the big picture of my life, and I'm afraid of doing that. I mean, I've got the boy thing sorted (to a degree), but the rest of my life is kind of blurry. There is so much I'd like to get done - just little things like spots on my website, and my collage and things... And there's big stuff too. I've never been to college. And I want to go. I've always been afraid to go; afraid that I'd fail. And I'm very directionless; I have no idea what I want to study or why...and that's always felt kind of like a character flaw to me, but maybe it's just the way I am, and I have to dive into the school thing to find out what I want? I don't know. That's one of the big questions I need to figure out... There's so much rattling inside my head, and I need to sort some of that out, and maybe this time isn't such a bad thing after all, in the bigger picture sense. I just have to use it, instead of letting it use me.
And another thing. I've been taking my eating for granted. After 7 years of hell, I've already started taking eating for granted. And while that almost seems like a good thing, I don't want to do that. Every meal that stays inside me should be a reason to celebrate! lol. I know that there are many other people that aren't that lucky. I'm actually a very, very lucky guy. And I need to acknowledge that, and thank everyone who has stuck by me, and given me every chance to get to this place.
posted by Bald Jason at 05:44 PM
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Shaved & Showered. Feeling good. I'd see about talking to Michael about all this, but I'm pretty sure he's away for the weekend, for his mother's wedding. I texted him, let him know I forgive him, I miss him, and to wish his mom congrats from me. ;-0)
Now if only Mark could get home so I could hug him. Mark's been down lately too, and suggests that it's even worse than what I've been feeling, which is probably true after today. That's part of why I cleaned the kitchen up and stuff; he likes it when I do that. ;-0)
posted by Bald Jason at 06:17 PM
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I rewatched "Prom Queen". Mark is home now, and we've done the hugging thing. I'm in a good mood. I might go to Necto or something. Or I might stay in and read. I can't believe it's Friday.
Oh, and my mom called me earlier, which she rarely does, to invite me to my little sister's reception, as we're apparently on good terms again. ;-0) Cool. She also let slip that the credit union, which owns the building that Hollywood is housed in, wants the building back, and is getting rid of Hollywood - I so hope that's true. I'd rather Hollywood lose the whole thing than let it go on in the form it's taking now!
posted by Bald Jason at 09:22 PM
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Saturday, September 13, 2008
I went into Hollywood Video around 10pm (Friday Night), to turn in my official resignation, which says:
Hollywood Video
2360 Stadium Blvd.
Ann Arbor, MI 48103ATTENTION: Store Manager
David,
This is my official two-weeks notice. Unfortunately, I can't be scheduled in that time thanks to the new Hollywood rules. I truly loved working at Hollywood Video for over six years but the company is changing in such a way that I find it impossible to continue working in such an environment. I wish it didn't have to end this way but there are no other options open to me.
Sincerely,
Jason Wright
----------------------When I got there, there was this woman there named Michelle, who used to rent movies from Hollywood all the time; we used to talk and joke. Well, she became a Hollywood employee a while back, and even thanked me for inspiring her to work there...only she's now the assisstant manager of my store! She was all excited to work with me, only I handed her my resignation. And when I did that, I found out that all but 2 of my coworkers have quit!
A few weeks ago the lineup was:
Jeff
Alex
Jason (me)
Pat
Bill
Michael
Jonathan
Laura
Amanda
Brad
DJ
& BryanOf all those people, only Jeff & Alex remain. Jeff is retarded and will probably cause more havok than not. It's crazy!
Anyways, Michelle is really cool; really funny. She & I, and Bill (who's last day is tomorrow, I think) chatted for about a half an hour. It was a good time. And I sincerely hope things work out for her. She said that if she gets to be the manager of that store that she will call me to work for her...but I'm not sure I could work there again. We'll see. It's all very strange.
I stopped at Aut Bar on my way home. When I made it home, through the rain, I changed my clothes and went to Necto. I saw some friends Nick & Ben (who are roomies) - and Perris, and made new friends, James, Jordan & his roomie Caleb. I made out with Caleb for a good portion of the night; cute, hot, 19. I hung out with them after the bar for as long as I could, came home, had a snack and wrote this.
Mark & I are having our picture taken later today, and I have to go to my little sister's wedding reception at 4:40pm. Out Fest is tomorrow night. Oh, and my online friend Paul is in town this weekend. We'll see what's up with that; maybe I'll get to meet him.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:13 AM
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I just got out of the shower; getting ready for Jamie & Paul's reception. Hopefully that goes well. Mark & I aren't taking pictures in the park on account of the weather; it's raining, and supposed to continue in this fashion until Tuesday. We're gonna try to take pictures in my room later; possibly tomorrow, as I do want to check out OutFest. We'll see.
I have about 50 pages left in my book, and I'd be very happy to have this one finished. It had some great moments, but too few of them in my opinion. The next book looks awesome, as does the one after it. ;-0)
posted by Bald Jason at 04:03 PM
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