Sunday, November 9, 2008
Before going to bed I uploaded one of my new animated gif to my gay.com profile. Mark suggested I used the simpler one so I switched them. I'll post them both here. They're really graphic though; sorry if these freak anyone out; they're of me sucking off one of my thick dicked ex-boyfriends - I'll put some Warning space in to shield the uninterested:
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This was the first one I posted, which Mark said showed better technique. lol. But he said the simpler one would probably be better.
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Which brings us to this one. I like them both. ;-0)
I slept from around 11am (on Saturday) - 3pm. Mark & I got dressed and went to visit my dad. We fixed a problem with his phone; he hadn't really broken it; he just didn't understand it that well, which is to be expected. We took him to Abe's Coney Island and talked for awhile. I was obviously really tired so we didn't stay long. Mark dropped me off at home; I went right to sleep. Mark went to rent some movies at 'Family Video'. I woke up around 9pm.
I got up. Mark & I went to Kroger and Little Caesars. It was fun. I ate. I had slept. I felt good. But my pills made me sleepy again so I again napped. I woke up around 1:30am. Been up ever since.
Oh. I also exchanged e-mails with my ex-roomie Roberta, and she sent me these amazing old pictures of us circa 1994. Like...my birthday 1994. My 20th Birthday. Crazy. To see Paul, and Tony, & Bert and everyone. It's just...wow. I'll probably post them on my myspace page.
And I'm chatting with two online friends, and both of them surprise me with names from the past. One asked me about Brad that worked at Meijer with Mollie, Karen, Adam, Carrie, Bill, Mark & I. The other went to school with Sean Mobley! Crazy! lol
Anyways - that's all for now.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:24 AM
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I'm having another really bad migrain. The changing of the seasons is usually when this happens, so I shouldn't have been surprised...but I was. Oh well. It could be worse. It could be worse. I keep telling myself that.
posted by Bald Jason at 09:15 AM
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My headache is still alive and kicking, though it's muted slightly by the drugs. Ugh. This sucks.
I updated a bunch of myspace stuff; adding more than 40 pictures and creating new albums for Mollie, Shawn Foreman & Hollywood Video peeps. I tagged all the pictures; all that shit. I reopened Michael's album. It took a long time, but I feel like I've accomplished something. I feel good about it all now.
posted by Bald Jason at 11:48 AM
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Ok. Something unfortunate just happened. Back at the very start of November I searched for my ex-bf Michael's myspace page to find out when his birthday was. I'd looked for it the week before but couldn't find it, but I was in a hurry that day. I was pretty sure his birthday was either the 7th or the 9th, but I couldn't remember which one. I knew that it was shortly before we had met last year. I have a terrible time remembering peoples' birthdays, which is one of the things that I love about myspace - it reminds me of the birthdays of my friends. Only thing was, Michael's profile was nowhere to be found in my friends list. I knew now that I hadn't just randomly missed it; it was gone. I thought maybe he had deleted his account, only I did a search for it, and found it, only it was now set on private and I wasn't allowed in. Great. That hurt. Then I tried his Facebook page; same result. I was no longer a friend. And this realization came just after we had exchanged a friendly 'Happy Halloween' text. It just seemed extreme, as I didn't even know we weren't friends anymore.
I'm shaking.
Anyways, I'd seen in his other online journal something about a Halloween Party, which I wasn't invited too, but I decided to not knock him for it. I mean, I had a great Halloween on my own, and I most likely wouldn't have gone to his party anyways. I sent him this message on November first:
Nov 1, 2008 8:22 PM
Subject: Are We Not Friends Anymore?I had looked for you on myspace last week and didn't find you, but I just assumed I had overlooked you somehow. But it says here we're not friends. And facebooks says the same thing. I know I didn't delete you. I know I said I needed a break, but I didn't expect to be excommunicated. lol
I hope your Halloween party was a hit! I had a surprisingly good time myself. Thanks again for the civil Halloween Message Exchange. It made me smile. I wasn't sure you'd respond.
jason
I was really proud of myself for not making a big deal about the Halloween party. I didn't mention that I hadn't been invited. I didn't berate him, or attack him. I thought I had handled this all with a good amount of class. And I thought that maybe taking the high road would get me through this unexpected drama with Michael before it got out of hand. I was trying so hard to remain positive.
Now, on myspace, when you send a message you can see if the person that you sent it to read the message or not. Later I checked and Michael had read the message, but had chosen not to respond. Again, I thought this was rude and this hurt my feelings, but I chose not to bitch about it. I mentioned it in my blog, but didn't go on about it. And that was that.
On Tuesday Michael was on yahoo messenger, which was odd in and of itself. I used to see him on yahoo and AIM all the time, but I hadn't seen him on either in months, and I started thinking that maybe he had silently changed his screen names when he'd dropped me as a friend. This made me smile, to see him on. We talked about the election as we watched highlights on tv and CNN. It was nice.
This morning, still not having a reply to my myspace message, and still feeling confused about where we stood, I sent him another message. I was excited to show him a project that he had a hand in inspiring; I thought he'd be amused. But I didn't want to pretend that the other message hadn't been sent (and read). This is the message that I sent this morning:
Nov 9, 2008 5:52 AM
So you never responded to my message, though you read it, so I'm assuming you don't want to be friends with me anymore; at least on myspace and facebook, as you did talk to me about the election on Tuesday - which would imply that you don't hate me or anything. That's completely your choice and that's fine I guess. It would have been nice for a heads-up though.
So far so good right? I mean I wasn't bitching, or cruel. The last sentence is a bit edgy, but there were circumstances. I mean the guy dropped me from his friend lists with no warning, and then didn't respond when I asked what was going on. So I thought I was still taking the high road.
In the next section of the myspace message, I told him about the project he'd helped create and the rave reviews the project has gotten. There is absolutly nothing negative in this section, but I can't include it as to do so would break a confidence with a friend, which I won't do. But it was all polite and cheerful.
I closed the message with:
I hope you are well.
None of this strikes me as a problem. I didn't really expect a reply after the last message, but I sort of wished I'd get one. I guess I should have been more careful about that wish. A few hours later I got this response:
Nov 9, 2008 11:35 AM
nice of you to send me this negative message on my birthday... thanks.
-mike-
Ok. Now, first of all, I didn't think the message was negative at all; in fact I hoped it would be seen as a positive message. I've been trying to keep this situation, hurtful as it's been, as drama free as possible. 2ndly, I didn't know it was his birthday, because he dropped me from his friends list! And when I broached him about the subject, hoping that it was a mistake that would be corrected I was ignored.
I responded thusly:
Nov 9, 2008 11:52 AM
I didn't realize that any of this was negative. It was your decision to not be friends on here and I haven't badgered you about it. And I did know your birthday was in early November, but one of the reasons I had looked for your myspace page was so it would remind me of your birthday, only to find (frustratingly) that I was no longer listed as a friend.
Happy Birthday. Seriously.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Bald Jason
Hopefully this will clear up the problem. I had not intended for there to be any trouble between us, and I've gone out of my way to show that I still want to be friends without confessing how much his behavior has hurt me. I really did want everything to be ok. I really thought I was doing good here.
I'm so exhausted. And my head just keeps throbbing. I just hope he knows how much I still care about him, and that I didn't intend to upset him. According to myspace he has read this final message, though he hasn't responded. Hopefully he will accept the message in the spirit it was given. And I honestly hope he has a fantastic birthday!
posted by Bald Jason at 12:32 PM
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I just got a lovely voicemail from my old roomie Roberta. It's the little things I treasure that I need to smile about and set the drama aside. That's been my goal for the last few years. I sometimes forget. This morning has been all about remembering and forgetting to remember, and oddly, remembering to forget.
"and the sky is filled with light
can you see it?
all the black is really white
if you believe it
and the longing that you feel
you know none of this is real
you will find a better place
in this twilight" - NIN
Ok. I think the pain is probably dull enough that I can maybe sleep. I'll give it a try. Wish me luck. But be specific in the wishing.
posted by Bald Jason at 01:48 PM
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Monday, November 10, 2008
I got some sleep last night; got up around 7am. I had a really nice chat with my grandmother. I saw Mark off to work. Mark & I cuddled for a little while last night and talked, and very nearly slept in the same bed. I don't like to do that with Mark though. For 3 years we shared a bed, and when we broke up, I found it nearly intolerable to sleep alone. Now I don't have that problem, and though I sometimes share my bed with others (indeed, one month ago today I was asleep in my bed in Sean's arms), and while I have no troubles sleeping with Mark on a vacation, here, I guess I try to protect myself from ever needing him like that again.
I watched the new 'Brothers & Sisters' and 'Desperate Housewives' which were both good. I also, on impulse, downloaed the first few episodes of "LOST". I've never watched the show, and always planned to wait to see if the show ended well before viewing it. But this morning, finally, I let myself watch that first episode. I didn't get sucked into it the way I probably would have if I'd seen it when it was new, but now that it's over I do want some answers. The question is if they will ever be answered. It's that kind of thing that has prevented me from watching it. It seems an awful lot like the X-Files; not the premise of it, but the whole 'mythology' of it and all the questions...and I'm just afraid no answers will really be given and I'll feel like I wasted my time with it. For now I'm entertained, and that's fine...for now. I need to see the lastest 'True Blood' episode!
There's snow outside. There was snow outside yesterday, but in my hibernation I never saw it. It's cold and damp. It's that time of year where I generally try to stay inside and avoid all that exists outside. The last month or two I'd enjoyed leaving the condo for walks. Hopefully I'll get back to that in the spring time; I'm not really a winter person. I like the beauty of snow, and the cold can be like an exotic vacation, but I get tired of it fast.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:53 PM
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I watched the new 'True Blood' & 3 more episodes of 'Lost'; all of the tv was good. I'm loving 'True Blood' and I'm a little bummed that there are only 2 more episodes this season. With 'Lost', I can see why the show was such a hit now; there are some nice twists and turns, I'm going to keep watching it.
I slept from 4pm-9pm. I didn't intend to. Part of it was my pill, I'm sure. The other part was not sleeping a straight 8 hours last night. It doesn't upset me that I'm on this split shift sort of sleeping cycle; it's just weird. lol
I could go to Necto tonight, but I don't really want to. I feel like staying in. I need to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I need to make a dentist appointment tomorrow. I hate making appointments; they kind of stress me out, but it's necessary.
posted by Bald Jason at 10:34 PM
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Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I just caught up on the last 3 episodes of 'The Sarah Jane Adventures'. I hadn't been enjoying this season as much as the last, but these last 3 episodes were better, and everything I've heard about the final 4 sounds great.
That's a lot of television in one day. I'm going to eat, and get some housework done, to balance that out. ;-0)
posted by Bald Jason at 12:28 AM
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I watched more 'Will & Grace'; finishing off Season 4, and starting Season 5. I'm still planning on continuing with 'Lost' but I have all this 'Will & Grace' on my computer which I can delete if I just watch it.
I did the dishes this morning, before driving Mark to work. I went to my doctor's office to make an appointment only to find there weren't really any openings and that my doctor is leaving mid-November. Then I went to my dentist's office and updated them on some paperwork concerning my insurance and billing information before making an appointment for tomorrow morning; a cleaning. Then I tracked down the doctor's office where Mark gets treated and made an appointment there for tomorrow afternoon.
Now I'm home. There's some snow outside but it's not terrible. I may go for a walk.
Last night I got a message on facebook from my friend Pat, who's now living in New York. He said that he read in my blog that I've started watching 'Lost'. I didn't even know that he read my blog, so that was a nice surprise. I just kind of write stuff here, not really expecting anyone to read it. The only people that really leave me comments are Mark & Mollie, and that's fine. But it appears I have more readers than I knew...which is cool.
posted by Bald Jason at 10:40 AM
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I watched more 'Will & Grace' season 5. I delete them from my computer as I watch them; making room for 'Lost'. I'm just under halfway through Season 5 of W&G. Pat & Mike both offered to loan me Season 3 of 'Lost', but I'll get it from Mike. It will be easier to get and return that way, and it will also be easier to watch it in my room, as Pat's copy is BluRay and I'd have to watch it downstairs.
I was a little late picking Mark up from work, which was fine as he was busy. I spoke to my older sister on the phone. She's doing well, and is enjoying teaching, though she doesn't have a lot of time. She also wants to hang on to the Doctor Who dvds I've loaned her; she sounds like she truly wants to watch them, which makes me smile. She's giving back the disc with 'Blink' on it so that Mike can borrow it, but she's already seen those episodes anyways. She also told me that our Great Aunt Laura, who was fine yesterday morning, is in a coma. I'll have to call our grandmother and find out what's going on there. I like Laura; she's always been kind to me.
Mark & I went to the bank, and LC. We were both getting headaches. I took my meds, but it's getting worse. Lately, my headaches, when I have them, have been far worse than they usually are. Hopefully this one will be gone soon enough.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:47 PM
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Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I tried to sleep last night, but I didn't have any luck. My stomach was upset most of the night, for no apparent reason. Maybe it just wanted to piss me off.
I drove Mark to work this morning, then headed back home, where I had a snack and watched still more 'Will & Grace'. I spoke to my grandma on the phone, and apparently the big scare concerning my Great Aunt Laura was a big nothing; she's fine; that was good news. I made it to my dentist appointment on time. The cleaning went well. And my dentist (who always sounds really, really stoned) nearly wept when he heard about the condition that has kept me from going to the office. He, and his assitants, helped me plan out this great battle strategy so that I could get all my dental work done by February, in case the sugery's a bust and I go back to being severely fucked up... Only thing is, the insurance doesn't seem to work the way Mark thought it did, and this means I most likely won't be able to get the stuff done. I'm so beyond disappointed at the moment.
I was going to get pizza between my dentist and doctor's appointment, but by the time I left I didn't feel I had the time so I came home for another snack and wrote this. My doctor's appointment is in less than an hour. Maybe I'll get pizza on the way home, but I'm thinking it would probably be best to just come home and sleep at that point since I have to be awake to pick up Mark, and we have to go this stupid video store.
I'm glad I got my teeth cleaned; I love the way they feel just after... But a good portion of my day seems to be sucking.
posted by Bald Jason at 01:40 PM
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Just got off the phone with Mark. Things are different than we thought...and worse. I probably won't be able to get my dental work done, and if I do...Mark won't be able to get his done. Part of me thinks I should get it done if I can because in February things might go back to how they were before and I won't be able to go to the dentist anyways. But another part of me thinks that if things are gonna suck for me then, they might as well start now. And I want Mark to be able to go to the dentist too, otherwise I'll feel guilty.
I could so easily curl up and go to sleep right now.
I need to go to my doctor's appointment.
posted by Bald Jason at 01:56 PM
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Just got home from my doc appointment. I'm so exhausted...and I had a bright light shined into my eyes by the resident so now I've got a blinding migrain. I took my midrin as soon as I walked into the door. I'm going to lay down and see if I can't get a quick nap in before I have to pick up Mark at 6pm. Blah.
But my doctor's visit, long and annoying as it was held good news. They did some tests though. Hopefully that's all clear too. A hot (& I'm guessing severely gay) man took my blood and urine - that's kind of like a date, isn't it?
posted by Bald Jason at 03:46 PM
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Thursday, November 13, 2008
Today is Mollie's birthday! Happy Birthday Mollie!
I only got about 40 minutes of sleep between my last entry and when I went to pick up Mark. It mostly got rid of my headache though. We went to LC again; this time I actually got Pizza. Yum. While waiting for a food I left a message with this cute boy I have a crush on; hopefully that goes well. We came home and watched an episode of 'Batman Beyond'. Then I went to bed around 7:30pm. I woke up a little after 1am. I chatted online to much amusement, but I left my fun people so I could write this. I'm gonna bake some cookies now and mow on them while I read or watch 'Lost' or something.
Oh. I also came to the conclusion that I couldn't continue reading 'Cry to Heaven'. I'm not really reliving the book itself so much as my life while reading it. I don't know how to separate the two. And that's not what I was hoping for. I might read 'Son of a Witch' now...or some Star Trek or Star Wars book. I'm really not sure. Whatever I pick up I suppose.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:06 AM
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I slept some after the last entry. Mark actually woke me up. I drove Mark to work, then came back home and started doing laundry. I made my bed. My room still looks messy though. I need to clean it some more. Get rid of all this clutter.
I chatted online for awhile. I got lost reading the news when this guys pvted me. His screen name was "Tinman77". He was on my hotlist, so I'd definitely chatted with him before, and I'd liked him - which seems pretty amazing to me now. He told me that he wanted to fuck me. BAD <- in all caps just like that. He said that he felt like I had changed my mind about him or something. And he seemed upset about this. Now, bear in mind that I couldn't remember the last time I'd chatted with this guy (aside from a brief hello a few days ago), so I felt no connection to him at this point, and was slightly disturbed at the implication that we'd had somekind of ongoing online romance, and I have a huge crush on someone else. I told him about the crush...and he persisted in asking if I was interested in him. I told him that I wasn't and I asked if that was a problem? He told me that he'd just wasted a year of his life trying to get into my pants (a clear sign that cared about me) and that I had just changed my mind out of the blue so yeah, that's a problem. He said that he hoped that I'd find what I was looking for, but in the context of all the other things he said it didn't seem like a positive. I told him I hoped he'd fuck off. Then things got scary. He told me that he hoped that the boy I want to fuck me gives me AIDS(!?!). He said more, but I kept closing the window. I blocked him from messaging me and brought it up in open chat, thinking that he'd be less likelly to insult me in open chat, but instead he claimed he hadn't said those things - he lied. Thankfully someone came to my defense and said he was unstable. They also said some other stuff about him that I can't reprint here, but suffice it to say - the guy is a liar and would have hurt me if he could have. And I don't know what he must have said to me in the past to get me to like him. He's kind of ugly. And now that I've seen what he's really like...he's a lot ugly. He's an ugly person. And he scares me. I made a note on his profile for myself to remind me of this if I ever forget, but now that I've written it all out I'm guessing I won't.
Anyways...I needed to write that out. I'm still shaking.
I'm gonna take a nap. Try to get some sleep before I have to pick up Mark, so I can be awake to visit my family.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:16 PM
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Friday, November 14, 2008
My nap was brief after the last message, yet I only woke up based on luck as I forgot to turn on my alarm clock. But all went well and Mark & I got to visit with Gradma & Grandpa, Great-Aunt Laura & Great-Uncle Ed, Mom, Janice, Jamie, Jillian, Jonathan, and later on we saw Justin and Jordan for a minute. We went to the video store after that to return Mark's movies; we rented 3 more, all for $2-something. We rented "Gangs of New York", "Closer" & "Star Wars: Clone Wars".
I went right to bed when I got home. I was tired, and I hadn't felt very good all day. I woke up about an hour later with some major cramping. My stomach, which has mostly been really good lately, seems to have decided that it needs to be a bitch about now. I'm in pain, and I'm tired, and I'm sort of grumpy.
During our visit, Janice openly badgered me about getting a job. I talked to Mark about this in the car. A serious talk. There is a lot of stuff going on that I'm not ready to talk about yet. Suffice it to say that things are not ok with me at the moment, and they could potentially be far worse in the near future. It meant a lot to me that I could talk about these things with Mark, who has stood by me in so very many stressing times.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:07 AM
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I slept for about 4 hours. I had a bizarre dream about masturbating. lol. Like I couldn't stop. I woke up amused. And a bit dehydrated. I'm drinking water now, and I'm going to eat in a few minutes. I need make sure I eat at least 3 meals today; I haven't been doing that lately.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:23 AM
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Saturday, November 15, 2008
I watched "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" yesterday. It was ok. It was like the new series, which is understandable, as it's just the first 3 episodes of that series edited together and then released theatrically. I think it's mostly lame though, and I can see why it bombed. And it was annoying that the Hutt villain was made to seem gay. He had a weird lisp thing going on, and he wore some kind of feathery head thing. Whatever.
Yesterday was ok. Not much to report. I slept really well in the evening. I went to Necto to see Sarry, but it was mostly lame, and I sort of regret going.
The highlight of my night was chatting with Trevor. That's the guy I have a crush on. He's so cute, sexy, funny, yummy, and we get along really well so far. Of course we've not met in person yet so this might all be for nothing. But I'm enjoying it so far. Crushes are fun. We seem to have a good amount of stuff in common. Plus he's 28 I think, which is way closer to my age than I've been dating, and that could be very helpful too. He's a great guy. I hope it works out.
The final book in the Destiny Trilogy shipped today, so I'm guessing it will be here on Tuesday. Doctor Who Season 30 (or 4) shipped too. Yay. I'm going to start reading 'Debt of Bones' tonight. It's a prequel to Terry Goodkind's "Sword of Truth" series, which Sean & his father (Ted) used to rave about. So, I'm giving it a shot. If I like it, I'll get the next book and see how I like that, and so on. There are 12 books in the series, all together. We'll see how I like it. I've only enjoyed a handful of fantasy series (Velgarth, Xanth, Harry Potter); I'm kind of picky about stuff that I read. But the prequel book is really a novella and is quite short. I figured this would be a harmless way to check out the series.
Speaking of Velgarth, there are 2 new books in the series coming out this year; the first of which is already out in hardcover ("Collegium Chronicles, Book 1: Foundation", but given the reviews I'm gonna wait for paperback. The 2nd is a 4th collection of stories: "Moving Targets and other Tales of Valdemar". To read about how I came to this series of stories, check out this link.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:13 AM
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I just updated a bunch of pages on my website. Some of it was minor, while a lot of it was stuff I should have updated ages ago but never thought to do it. I like it when I get to update my site like that. I've been considering other updates. It makes me smile. I'm such a geek. lol
I saw a bootleg copy of the new Star Trek Trailer - I originally posted a link to it here, but it's been removed from the site. It looks enjoyable enough; the movie. As long as it follows the story outline that I've read about I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy it. Oh. Here's a new link to the youtube bootleg trailer.
Did I mention that Trevor is a Star Trek fan? Because he is. :-0)
posted by Bald Jason at 05:49 AM
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I didn't sleep much today.
I did however talk on the phone with Trevor, which went very well.
And now I'm chatting with him. Which is going very well.
And I watched more 'Will & Grace'; got 3 episodes left in Season 5.
posted by Bald Jason at 09:24 PM
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