Sunday, October 18, 2009

Michael & David found an apartment in Ypsi. Yay! It will be like 15 minutes from me. :-0)

Other than that news, my Saturday sucked. A lot. I had migrains. I had stomach cramps. I had horrible memory flashbacks of my collapse before hospital; waking up alone and scared from surgery; childhood trauma; the food thing; Michael's betrayals - and on top of all that I had this crazy reaction to my antibiotics and very nearly hyperventilated at Pizza House and we had to leave. It was just a TERRIBLE night. I cried a lot. I cried in the car. I cried in my room. I cried in the shower (twice). It was just a horrible, horrible day. Thankfully Michael & Mark were very cool and understanding about this...

But I feel like I'm losing my mind.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:19 AM
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   Monday, October 19, 2009

Sunday was again mostly crappy. My TMJ, which has also been pretty bad the last few days went into overdrive. It was nearly impossible to eat or talk or laugh without pain. I need to see a specialist. I now have a terrilbe fear of surgery. But this pain (and other symptoms like lockjaw) have been getting worse for years. And this pain from yesterday is still with me. I hate this. Hate that since October 1st I've almost constantly been in pain.

Michael & Mark have been wonderful to me through most of this. I went to Meijer last night with Michael and for awhile the pain wasn't with me (I took my crappy muscle relaxents and ibuprofen - a combination that's doing nothing for me now) - and that was a good time. I saw Karen; she's concerned about Mollie, as am I. Last I heard she was suffering horrible Flu symptoms.

Everyone has it tough lately.

Mark is getting ready for a Doc appointment. My followup for my surgery is tomorrow. Michael has something like a job interview today in Ypsi, and will find out if he has the apartment today as well. I'm just hoping I can get some rest and lose this pain - it comes and goes after all. I'm just afraid that it will stay forever one day - as the length of time it bothers me seems to be increasing in the last 3 years.

Blah.

Gonna go cuddle with Michael now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:06 AM
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Jaw's still messed up.

But Michael is moving into his apartment this week! This means that I'll be living 20 minutes from Michael's place, and I'll be able to stay there whenever I want. That helps with the trust issues. Also helping - Michael now has a phone that has a GPS on it, which means if I wanted to I could track where he is at all times. And he's cool with that. He wants me to know where he is. He wants me to drop by unexpectedly. He wants me to know he only wants me. :-0)

If I could just get past all the physical crap that's bothering me, then we could be home free! :-0)

BSG: The Plan comes out in just 8 days!

The 10th Doctor will return to tv screens in just 10 days!

:-0)

I spoke to Sean Mobley today; yesterday was the 8 year anniversary of the night we met. Neat. He might be moing to NC, to the town where some of Drawing Blood is set. Makes me want to read it again. Makes me want to give him a copy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:34 PM
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I'm having the most horrible mood swings. I feel like an 8 year old. I think it's just being almost constantly uncomfortable for over a month. It's just getting to me.

I was gonna have a shake to make up for all the crap I've been eating (to spare my jaw) but half way through I realized that one of the major ingrediants looked wrong and had to toss out the batch (which is expensive) and then couldn't have what I wanted. This meant that I could have my antibiotic now, but precludes me getting the ingrediant I needed and getting the nutriants I need. Then I figured I'd just get some food, but again - my jaw wont let me. I'm sick of all these physical limitations and I just feel very frustrated.

Then I remembered, that with all the painkiller I took today, I forgot my prilosec. Hopefully it doesn't make me too sick. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:46 PM
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   Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My followup at the hospital went well on Tuesday. They say everything looks great. I can drive again, but on orders to not lift anything for 2 more weeks. They also said that even when I start to lift that I should be very careful.

I didn't sleep until after noon on Tuesday. I was so exhausted. My jaw still hurt. So many things troubling me lately.

Oh. And I had a Michael Freak Out when I realized that his new phone is really a computer with internet he carries in his pocket. It's not that I think he'll use it for evil, but I know his older self would and I can't help but think that I didn't think he'd do anything bad with his phone before... But I also felt paranoid and crappy for having to be the jalous paranoid boyfriend that I've always struggled to never let myself be in the past. When I talked to him about it on the phone he sounded pissed and I hung up on him and went to sleep.

He came over later and was upset that I wouldn't talk to him about it, but I didn't know what to say. As Anya would say, I didn't ask to be all crazy! He made me this way! And I can't help it if it took me 5 months to trust him before, that it's most likely going to take at least that long now that I know that I should have trusted my instincts and not trusted him at all. It's so complicated and I'm broken on so many levels...yet I don't want to give up. He's probably exchanging his phone on Saturday, unless I change my mind. Because I hate being the paranoid boyfriend. I hate it. I don't want to be THAT person.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:14 AM
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   Thursday, October 22, 2009

Wednesday was mostly suffering. The painful urination has returned. Random pain elsewhere has returned. Oh...and my hospital bill (which my insurance hasn't covered as of yet) is $19,834.49!?! Hopefully it will be covered or at least mostly covered. Nothing scares or stresses me out more than debt. I'm going to see if I can get my doc's office to run a urine cultre today; I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, but I'm hoping this will help that go smoothly or even circumvent it. I also need my doc to make an appointment with a TMJ Specialist, and possibly a urologist as this is getting ridiculous.

I'm annoyed by everything.

Except Glee.

Sarah Jane is on today and tomorrow.

BSG: The Plan in 5 days.

The 10th Doctor returns in 7 days.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:58 AM
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   Friday, October 23, 2009

Yesterday i made an 'appointment' to leave another sample at the doc's to do a urine culture and check for STD's that might have been missed. I slept. I went to Michael's. Realized the ring I've been wearing with pride was given when he was sleeping around and hello to the pain. I gave him the ring back, which hurt, as I loved that ring so much. I thought it meant something. Maybe he'll give me another one someday. We sort of imploded in the end there. When I left. When I got to Mark's work. When we got home. We're on a break, Michael and I, so that I can heal. He thinks I won't want him after I'm done. I think he'll have moved on and won't want me anymore. I want to live my life with him, I just can't do that while skipping the healing process. It hurts to be bereft of him.

I have the new SJA and THE PLAN, but don't feel like watching either. I feel numb. I feel scared. I don't want to lose him. And nothing seems to matter now. I know that it does. I know that razors won't help. I know that this has to happen if there's a chance, but it sucks. I hate that he did this to us. I hate that he put an STD inside me. I hate that he took my terrifyingly given trust and broke me into pieces. I hate that I love him so much.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:58 AM
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Slept a bit.

Missing Michael.

Got dressed and my underwear was folded neatly in my drawer, just as he left it. I used the deoderant he left here. His necklace and candy are on the floor, along with the gifts he gave me for my birthday. Went to have some food and my jaw was hurting worse; it seems to be strongly connected to my left ear. Went to get some tea and there were the Nilla Wafers Michael bought to make his special pudding. I bagged them all up, along with the candy he bought me. There's more here. Everything reminding me of him. I want him.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:00 AM
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   Saturday, October 24, 2009

Friday; dropped off my sample at the Doc's. Slept. I've had the runs for several days now. I can't eat a balanced diet to correct this as my jaw is all fucked up. Freaked out.

Watched some Sarah Jane. The first 2 eps of the season were ok. Nice to see the continuity. I'll maybe watch the next 2 episodes later.

I watched "The Plan". It was ok. It's a very cool addition to the series. I'm jealous of future viewers who can watch it without having to wait for it.

Michael has hip problems and they were bothering him last night (plus he'd had a really crappy day). I talked him into coming over so I could give him a massage, and a comfy bed (with snuggles) to sleep in. We had the safe sex (which is to mean I jacked us both off) - but I wanted to fuck HIM so bad. Rare that I want to Top with anyone. Rarer still that I want to fuck someone I generally bottom for. We both wanted it though...but couldn't have it. I'm proud that I controlled myself and nothing happened, but pissed off that we can't do these things because of what Michcael did. I hate him sometimes. And love him at others. And want to cry because all my memories are nightmares now.

But I love him. It's tough.

It was wonderful to cuddle and sleep with him. I used to do that with him all the time. He was cheating on me then though, the knowledge of which creeps into my brain at the least wanted moments and tries to ruin the best times. I hate my memory...and I hate him for ruining what was, for me, the best relationship since Mark. It was far from perfect, but relationships are never easy and I understand / understood that. But I never even suspected how terrible things really were.

I've been reading this vegan cookbook that Michael got me last month, and it's really interesting. I want to start setting stuff up for me cooking. A lot of the ingrediants are stuff I've never tried, or things I've had bad experiences with. I'd be willing to try the new stuff and give the others another go...I just don't know that I can afford such things right now.

My jaw is better than it has been, but still worse than usual. Really scared about that. Really scared.

And this constant diarrhea is starting to get painful, and more than a little annoying. Makes me just want to cuddle up in my bed and never leave.

I hate being on my own. I might read Poppy, or reread Harry Potter - or watch Classic Who, or Coraline & Twilight. Or... I don't know. I feel empty.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:27 AM
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