Sunday, November 1, 2009

My jaw has been locked for over 24 hours now. It's not locked to the point where I can't eat, which is good. But I'm worried it might stay this way forever and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it.

I spent my Halloween night with Michael and Mark, watching Halloween episodes of Roseanne while Mark worked on Michael's computer. Maybe now that his computer is working and he has internet we could chat online once in awhile. I miss those AIM chats. Silly; I know.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:59 AM
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   Monday, November 2, 2009

Sunday, my jaw was locked most of the day but unlocked in the afternoon hours. I've started wearing my old bite / jaw guard though it hurts if I wear it for too long as it doesn't let my jaw settle - though it keeps my jaw from popping for awhile. Hopefully my jaw doesn't lock again anytime soon.

I got lots of rest. I got to talk to Michael on the phone, and then later online, which I'd really missed. Something about chatting online, on my cam, brings back happy memories of when we first met. I'd love to chat with him on gay.com or something like that, but he might not go for that; not sure.

I took some midrin with some breakfast, and a hot shower...and now the pain from my jaw is better. I wish I had something to do at the moment, but I don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone these days. I wish I was passionate about something again...but there's nothing.

I'd go climb in bed with Michael, but my jaw pain is still there (slightly) and I shouldn't drive on my meds. I wish I could go over there and fuck him; I've been feeling like Topping lately. Maybe in December if this all works out.

My fantasy life is getting stranger and stranger...and I'm sharing it with Michael, which is cool.

Also yesterday I tried some miso soup, which wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either. I might try it again. I also tried cream of wheat, which was gross. Maybe because Mark make it with water, rather than a non-dairy alternative to milk - so it wasn't creamy so much as....sandy. lol. Michael says I should try oatmeal. So, while I didn't get anything great out of the experience, I've continued to try new things. Go me. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:37 AM
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So much for my hopes. I was eating and my jaw locked again! This is so frustrating. And Painful.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:56 AM
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My jaw is locked tighter than yesterday, and it hurts like a mofo. I'll be back on my shake diet. :-0(

I miss Michael. Hopefully I'll be able to see him later. I love him so much. He's the one bright spot in all this crap.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:19 PM
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My jaw feels slightly better. But other than that I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed shortly.

Today it would seem that the dates for the rest of Season 31 of the Whoniverse (excluding the animated installment, "Dreamland") have been revealed:

11/05/09: The Eternity Trap, Part I
11/06/09: The Eternity Trap, Part II
11/12/09: Mona Lisa's Revenge, Part I
11/13/09: Mona Lisa's Revenge, Part II
11/15/09: The Waters of Mars
11/19/09: The Gift, Part I
11/20/09: The Gift, Part II
12/25/09: ??? [Part I]
01/01/10: The End of Time [Part II]

Dreamland ???

Next year, Season 32 will consist of at least 13 episodes of Doctor Who & 26 episodes of K9. It's also highly likely that there will be a 4th Season of The Sarah Jane Adventures, and it's possible that there will be a 4th Season of Torchwood as well, though, despite HUGE ratings and rave reviews for Children of Earth, a 4th Torchwood series may be difficult to conjure up from the ashes of the 3rd Season.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:26 PM
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Trying to sleep. Getting TMJ Migrain. Midrin might help. Blah.

And I miss my boyfriend.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:37 PM
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   Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I slept a bit, then talked to Mollie, and chatting with Michael now (yay on both counts) - my jaw is slightly better, but still locked. Trying to let it rest. I hate this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:38 AM
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Jaw is still locked.

Michael might be coming over tonight, and chilling with me for much of tomorrow.

I feel a bit out of it.

I might get some test results back today.

I watched the first episodes of next year's K-9, which was very strange.

I drove Mark to work and went to Whole Foods. Got very little as I'm not allowed to carry much. Got the essentials I guess. Which...there's not much I can eat with my jaw fucked up. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:30 PM
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Just spent 20 minutes crying, after trying to sort laundry and get something...anything done. I feel broken inside. I feel...like everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do to fix any of it. My body is broken. I can barely eat. And I have to wait until fucking January to see anybody about it because of money. And I might not even have money for the bills I've already accumulated. And I have to go get my results today...and what if I'm positive? I don't want to be going through this? Why am I going through this? And the surgery...haunts me still. Like...I've never had a procedure where I woke up in such pain or needed so long to recover, or needed to depend on people for so very long, and now I can't even fricking go out in the sun without protection? I feel so frail and there have been good times throughout all this upset, but with the smiles I feel like I'm just barely keeping it all together. I'm trying to be strong and I'm usually ok...or at least I can fool myself into thinking I am... I saw this boy online today; the one that told me that Michael cheated on me, and it all came rushing back; how I didn't believe the guy, and then how the evidence mounted, and his whole other life fell into the light - and the way Michael denied it and I wanted to believe him so bad...to believe that he would never hurt me like that...only he did. And I'm in such emotional / physical stress from it even now. If I can make it through this I know I'll be stronger. I just have to hang in there, because I love him, and I love my friends and family...I have to hang in there.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:22 PM
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Went to get my results but they weren't in yet. That's never happened before, which has me even more freaked out. Made me remember the 1 time I ever let Michael cum inside me. It was my 35th Birthday. Just a few days after he'd fucked some boy in a hotel room. Didn't bother telling me that I was risking my life. It hurts. It hurts so much...and I don't know what to do with all the pain.

And all I want is for him to be holding me right now. Only he did this to me. I've gotten tested many times over the years and there have been times when I've been nervous because I felt I'd acted recklessly, but they were always informed decisions, and I took responsibility for them. This time, I feel like the choice was taken out of my hands...but that's not really true. I mean, I chose to believe him. I chose to trust him. I allowed him to do that to me. And knowing that makes me feel like I should never trust anyone ever again. People thought I was strange for being upset when he lied to my face about throwing me a party; even Mollie said that it was understandable, but what people didn't get no matter how many times that I explained it was how he lied to my face without blinking and I believed him. And what I didn't know then, was that he'd been lying for months; fucking other men and then fucking me. I don't know how to handle this. Most times I'm fine....and then...it's so painful, I don't know what to do. I keep thinking of razors again. I know I won't cut myself...but just thinking about them helps.

I spoke to Michael on the phone and said I didn't want to see him tonight. He texted me to let me know that he can't handle this. That I should text him when I get my results, but that I won't be hearing from him. And he's sure that I hate him right now. The thing is...I don't. I do. But I don't. I hate that he did this to me. I hate that I can't trust anyone anymore. I hate that. But I love him, and all that he's done since I learned the truth from him. It's like 2 completely different men, and... I'm so tired.

I have to pick Mark up from work in 3 hours.

Before all the drama, I did get some laundry in the washer. I shaved and showered. Michael's been pestering me for days to shave...so I did, so he'd be surprised tonight...and now I won't even be seeing him. And that's why I'm crying now. I'm like an emotional yo-yo.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:02 PM
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Now Michael doesn't want me texting or calling him, though I feel better...he does not.

I don't know what to do.

I just had some bad moments.

I guess Michael is allowed to have them too. I hope he'll be ok. Though I'm annoyed he won't see my lovely shaved look.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:24 PM
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   Thursday, November 5, 2009

Michael & I made up. He joined me in bed Tuesday night. Very nice sleeping with him. He went to work on Wednesday, then came back over later that night. We took some pictures; went to the mall; got pizza; came home. More pictures. Some 'fun'. And sleep. I couldn't get my results because they still were not in. I'll probably just wait and get them on Saturday now.

Speaking of Saturday, it's my mom's birthday, and my step-dad's retirement party. Have to find stuff for them.

I had a really great phone conversation with Janice yesterday. We'll probably be hanging out with our Aunt Debbie soon.

My jaw continues to annoy. A source of Michael's said that hot compresses and ibuprofen are the way to go. I'll start the hot compresses today. I'm already on the ibuprofen.

It's been great seeing Michael 3 days in a row.

A new Sarah Jane airs today, and another tomorrow. Another new Sarah Jane airs next Thursday and Friday, followed by the next Who Special on Sunday. The final 2 Sarah Jane's of the season air the following Thursday & Friday, with the 6 part animated Who starting the following Saturday. lol

November 5:
Sarah Jane 3x07

November 6:
Sarah Jane 3x08

November 12: Bryan's Birthday!
Sarah Jane 3x09

November 13: Mollie's Birthday!
Sarah Jane 3x10

November 15:
Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars

November 19:
Sarah Jane 3x11

November 20:
Sarah Jane 3x12 (Season Finale)

November 21:
Dreamland, Part I

November 22:
Dreamland, Part II

November 23:
Dreamland, Part III

November 24:
Dreamland, Part IV

November 25:
Dreamland, Part V

November 26:
Dreamland, Part VI

December 25:
Doctor Who Christmas Special [Part I]

January 1:
New Year's Day Special [Part II}

No telling when the completed version of Dreamland will air.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:23 AM
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   Friday, November 6, 2009

I slept last night. I had crazy dreams. I dreamt that Michael was searching for me and found me in a large web. There was also a boy named Kyle, who was the son of James Bond, who could fly - and was sleeping under my dad (David, not Doug). Surreal dreams. The other day I dreamt about hanging out with cousins. So many strange dreams lately.

My stomach was upset this morning; I think from all the shakes and toast I've been consuming, but it's nearly all I can take in lately because of my fucked up jaw. All the nurses we've talked to say the same thing (800 mg of Ibuprofen; hot / cold compress; possible Valume perscription) - but I've been doing all of that and NOTHING is helping. I called my doc's office and spoke to a nurse about a possible referral to a place that could see me in less than a year (which the nurse was nice enough to be outraged about - I liked her) and she said she'd get back to me when she had information for me.

I took my last oxycodone to help with my stomach, and it's hitting me pretty hard now - which is odd, as just taking one in the past didn't do much for me. I feel kind of HAZY.

I watched the new SJA yesterday; it was pretty good. Though it wasn't as rich in continuity as my favorite adventures, it did feature a guest star from the first 2 seasons and that was cool. I look forward to seeing Part 2 tonight. Really liking the Sarah Jane Adventures this year. None of them have sucked, and several of them have been outstanding. None of them have been as good as Torchwood: Children of Earth, but several have been better than The Next Doctor or Planet of the Dead.

Things with Michael continue to go well. I love him. I'm happy to see him and spend time with him. Hopefully I'll see him later today.

I continue to get along with Mark and other family members.

I continue to have medical problems and random drama / sadness from the September / Cctober madness...but I'm dealing with it as best as I can.

My mother will be 59 years old tomorrow. As I'm rather poor and I'm seldom big on gifts, I'm looking forward to sharing with her a new chocolate that I've discovered (she loves chocolate). Tomorrow is also my step-father's retirement party. :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:46 AM
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