Sunday, November 8, 2009

Several fun days, that were marred only by random drama and CONSTANT FRUSTRATIONS. I did test Negative for HIV again - so just one more test and the beginning of December and I should be clear - as of now it's LESS likely that I'm positive, and that's good to know.

Today marks the 2 month anniversary that Michael has been faithful to me. That might not seem like much, but that's longer than he's ever gone before. I don't expect him to stray again. I hope he doesn't. Because what we have now...is so much more than I expected to ever have.

My jaw is still locked. There's still nothing that anyone can do. And I found out that I can't take my pain killer / swelling reducer because it interactcs with the antibiotics that I'm on (which aren't doing a damned thing for me). Add to that, a random encounter with a hotel that Michael fucked another guy at before fucking me (and probably the source of my current antibiotic woes), a sore winner at cards, constant aching pain, constant lack of food because of pain, constant stomach upset because of the food I can eat to stay alive, the annoyance of my 1 clean towel being spread on the bathroom floor, while the stool I've kept for a decade for sentimental reasons being chucked out without my consent - oh - and my lil sister being a bitch, my cousin Steve being a KKK moron, and my mom / older sis being peeved at me for the way I behaved when returned from surgery pumped full of pain and drugs and you get the gist of my weekend...

Except that Mark & Michael both proved to be amazing even when they hurt me. They kept me going. And that was appreciated.

The next Doctor Who Special airs a week from today. Here's the trailer for it:

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:03 PM
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Been watching 'Brothers & Sisters'; I have 5 episodes to catch up on; I've watched 2. And I've cried A LOT. Anything to do with hospitals or surgery now hits me hard. But these have been happy / sad / healing tears. TV is an artform, that can affect us in positive ways.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:22 PM
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   Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Saw Michael Monday. We were both cranky, and I had a bit of a bad moment when I had happy memories of being in Michael's car with him & Jen on our way back from Cedar Point - and then realized just 2 days later (3 before my birthday), Michael had another boy in the same seat (the one I was sitting in while remembering sitting there) to have sex with him. Also felt weird seeing Michael's dad that night. I used to feel so special that Michael introduced me to his family; that this meant we were solid and I really mattered and he'd never hurt me, only he was fooling around the whole time; even the day of his grandma's funeral he screwed 2 boys before fucking me. I'll get past all this uglyness eventually - but for now it's destroyed my happy memories.

I drove Mark to work on Tuesday, then went to the bank, then to Michael's to get some DVD's he'd thought I'd meant him to take, and then hit LC on the way home for pizza. My jaw was still locked (is still locked) but was hurting less. I took my last dose of antibiotic. I saw Sean online (this Sean is one that Michael cheated on me with, and who claimed he was my friend, but then stabbed me in the back again) - I confronted him with the truth, which just made me feel worse somehow.

Later I ate and picked up Mark from work; we went to Michael's after, with me returning the dvds (Doctor Whoniverse / Firefly) with some discs that were missing before and instructions on how to get the most out of watching them. Mark worked on Michael's computer while Michael & I cuddled. I slept a bit before Mark woke me up to leave. I was slightly buzzed as I'd had some apple pucker earlier. We didn't get home until after 2am - way passed (is that the correct use of that word? - I get passed and past confused) my bed time of late.

I slept well. I ate. I started taking motrin again for my jaw. Hope it helps. Mark is going to call about having an exam somewhere else. I'd love to have some ANSWERS and some HELP for my jaw. I've been ill in some form or another for over 2 months and it's not getting any easier. Blah.

I'm excited to see the 5 new Whoniverse episodes in the next 9 days (especially Sunday night's "The Waters of Mars"). There's a new Glee on this week. And I'm seeing Michael later tonight.

I should drive Mark to work; I need more ingrediants for stuff, but I might just go tomorrow. Not sure.

I wish I had a game to play. Aliens vs. Predator won't be out for 3 more months, and who knows when Diablo III will be released? :-0(

Tomorrow is Bryan Alfaro's birthday. I'm giving him the Pandemic game that Michael gave me. Getting rid of the birthday presents he gave me helps with the pain a little, plus I know Bryan will enjoy it. Also letting Bryan & Chris borrow the final 11 installments of BSG:

4x11 Sometimes a Great Notion
4x12 A Disquiet Follows My Soul (Extended)
Battlestar Galactica: The Face of the Enemy
4x13 The Oath
4x14 Blood on the Scales
4x15 No Exit
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan (Extended)
4x16 Deadlock
4x17 Someone To Watch Over Me
4x18 Islanded in a Stream of Stars (Extended)
4x19 Daybreak (Extended)

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:07 PM
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My jaw is aching. I don't have much of anything that I can eat. I can't go grocery shopping when Mark gets home because the store will be closed. I was hoping Michael would take me, as he told me last night that he'd come over today, but first he went home, and then he went shopping with David, and is then going out to eat with David, and then he's staying in and watching True Blood with David (which I gave him), and he just sort of skipped the part where he was gonna come see me, and when I mentioned this to him, he didn't even pretend that he'd forgotten - just that he's looking forward to chilling at home. So I'm stuck here. Grumpy.

I'm all out of bread, so I can't have toast (which is soft and doesn't hurt my jaw). I don't have the ingrediants for a shake (which also doesn't hurt my jaw). It didn't hurt earlier but I had a snack of circus peanuts, which Michael had left here for me, and now it hurts...

Ugh.

I tried to distract myself with a playstation game but couldn't get it to work. I considered reinstalling Diablo II on my computer, but I've beat it at least 3 times & I think it would bore me. I'd like to watch some Doctor Who episodes, but the ones I want to watch were loaned out nearly 10 months ago and still haven't been returned.

I've read the news. There's nothing going on that's entertaining me, or dulling the pain, or getting me what I need until tomorrow.

Today sucks.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:19 PM
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My jaw is getting worse again. I took a long hot shower; not to clean up; I didn't even use the soap... Just as a warm compress for my jaw. It didn't seem to help. Oh...and the food I did have is coming back up. The thing I hate most about this jaw thing is that it's preventing me (for the most part) from trying or eating new foods. I was doing so well and it's all slipping away. And I try to keep my spirits up, but what if it takes so long to fix that I lose my way and get lost in the darkness inside me again? I'm scared.

And it still hurts to piss. There's more fear; both of what's wrong with me, and how much it will cost to find out. And I won't know my HIV status until December. There's more fear. It's easier to ignore it all when I'm being held in Michael's arms. Maybe that's why it's so hard to be alone these days...

I starting to hate myself. All this fear and weakness. All this needing. I'm allowed to lift things now, within reason - except the antibiotics I was just on suggest I could get some horrific stuff if I exercise at all over the next few months? It's all so fucked up. And while the wounds from my surgery are healing nicely, everything else is worse or at a stand still.

And this being on my own is terrible.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:51 PM
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   Thursday, November 12, 2009

Slept well past noon. Went grocery shopping with Mark. Moped. I feel a bit crazy of late. Spoke with Michael; he'll be here soon.

Somewhere in there, I finished "Prick Up Your Ears", which I'd begun watching last night. It's the first time I've seen the film since I watched it on VHS about 15 years go. Gary Oldman (as Joe Orton) is so young in it. Strange to see Sirus Black making out with Doctor Octopus. Also strange to see it this time and feel sypathy for the murderer. There were a few similartities to my own life.

Michael is here.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:24 PM
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   Friday, November 13, 2009

Michael came over. We had a great conversation. We were going to have some "fun", but I was waiting for Mark to get home so his usual 'hello' wouldn't distract us, or annoy him - only he stayed over an hour late to work with no text as he usually gives... When Michael was coming over he asked if he could wash his work clothes here so he could go right to work from here and I didn't think that would be a problem - only Mark had clothes in the washer and the dryer. And I spent 30 minutes downloading the next episode of Michael's show to burn for him as a surprise, only to see that it was having problems; I thought it was faulty and deleted the whole thing, only to find that the internet wasn't working - to find that Mark had shut off my internet access because I was 'suddenly hogging the internet' - when in the past, anytime one of us has been using the internet more than the other we've downgraded our downloads at the other's request. I didn't even know my episode was still downloading to be a bother to him, but he didn't even ask me. Now my stomach is all upset (which precludes me laying down to cuddle with Michael)...I don't know why I eat at all anymore. I'm so tired. I hate that my stomach is so easily upset by other people - I used to (long ago) enjoy a good argument. I've been having trouble keeping food down lately, even when I take my pills.

Now Michael is mad at me too.

Tonight sucks.

I just want to cuddle. And I can't. And he's right there. And I feel like I'm falling apart.

Michael woke up briefly, told me not to worry about his clothes, and had me put my head down on the edge of the bed so he could rub my scalp...then he fell back asleep. I'm stuck staying awake, puking, and bored out of my brain.

On a side note, it's Mollie's birthday; Happy Birthday Mollie! I hope your day is going better than mine is.

I'm cranky all the time lately. My jaw pain affects everything; how I talk / eat / laugh - and I can't have oral sex at all, which was my main source of pleasure. I find myself wanting to cut myself every day. I don't do it. I know it would upset people, and there isn't a spot on me that I could to it and not have it be seen.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, day to day. I keep getting lost inside myself...and all the medical bullshit and stress for possible debt it weighing me down even more than it would otherwise. I worry that I snap at people too much, or depend on people too much, or expect too much from others...or myself.

Can't things get back to normal?

Doctor Who on Sunday. That's what I keep thinking to keep me going. Is that pathetic?

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:25 AM
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Managed to get some sleep with Michael. Woke up feeling slightly better. My stomach is still troubling me; maybe I'm eating too much? Cleaning my room and sorting through stuff on the computer. Feels like I'm accomplishing stuff today, which is nice.

I hope Mollie is having a good birthday.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:12 PM
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Mollie might be moving to England!?!

Doctor Who is on Sunday!!!

Mollie might be moving to England!?!

Today is Mollie's birthday and I don't think I told her Happy Birthday on the phone, but we were mostly laughing about England and Cardiff and Graham Norton. lol.

I talked to Michael; he's on his way home now. Maybe I'll see him later? He has Sunday off so I might see him later, but he's worried I'll lock him out of my room when Doctor Who is on. lol.

Mark's friend Don and his son are supposedly staying the night, though we've seen no sign of them. Mark just left to go to Kroger; he's gonna pick up a pizza for me at LC.

My jaw is really hurting today.

I'm trying to install Diablo II on my computer again. The game is nearly 10 years old. AVP is nearly 10 years old. Why does it take 10 years for them to make continuations of video games I enjoy? lol

I'm sort of sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:02 PM
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   Saturday, November 14, 2009

Got Diablo II installed last night (thanks to Mark) but the game that was so much fun 5 or 6 years ago is mostly dull now, and the graphics haven't aged well. I talked to Michael on webcam last night (again, thanks to Mark) though we had a bit of a spat because he was chainsmoking in his apartment, when he'd told me that he'd be going outside from now on. Actually, when he was moving in he said he'd made a house rule that he & David would be smoking outside because the house they'd moved out from was so gross from smoke. Then last week when Mark & I were there Michael apologized for smoking in the house; something that Mark noticed right away with his breathing problems...and Michael then said it would never happen again. Ugh.

Mark is at his mom's. I'm dealing with tummy troubles. Michael's at work and we're supposed to go to a party later. I'm gonna shower and shave and see how I feel.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:42 PM
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I'm shaved and showered...but not going to the party with Michael. :-0( I'm very sad about this. But I felt I had to cancel, as my jaw is hardly opening, which means the talking / mingling aspect of the party would hurt me. Also, the food I was able to get into my mouth earlier...came back up - and I don't to throw up at the party. I'm lonely. And I don't really have anything better to do. I could go for a walke, but of course I'd have to lather myself up in expensive lotion to protect me from the sun. I just feel miserable.

I do have a doctor's appointment on Monday, and a dental consultation on Tuesday. Maybe those visits will help?

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:10 PM
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