Sunday, July 4, 2010
Friday, Michael said something that upset me a lot and we later talked about our relationship ending. Changing at the least. We're still a couple for now, but it seems likely that we'll just be friends soon. I'm sad.
The Batman thing has hit a few bumps, though I've been tweaking other aspects of the project.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:22 PM
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Monday, July 5, 2010
Michael called a few times. He doesn't want to break up. I don't want to break up. But it feels like we're being split apart. "Sometimes love just ain't enough". Maybe this is one of those times? I don't know. I'm trying to be strong yet hopeful...yet I don't know that I have any hope left. I love him. I don't want to lose him. But I can't seem to be what he needs. I think I'm almost what he needs...like most of the time, or a lot of the time, but the times when I'm not it really bothers him, and I don't want him to be hurt and I don't want me to be hurt either. It sucks.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:49 AM
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My dick is hurting, like I'm passing a kidney stone. Not fun. :-0( I've known I have kidney stones in my kidney's since the start of October. The area where my kidnys are was hurting a week or two ago.
Josh's wife died about 8 hours ago. So sad.
I thought I was close to figuring out Batman, but I wasn't. I might be closer now though. It's a really complicated puzzle.
The new Harry Potter poster rocks harder than the trailer (which didn't excite me at all):
posted by Bald Jason at 11:47 PM
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Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Got a lot done this morning. I'm pretty sure I have the first 59 (of 87) episodes of Batman: The Animated Series locked into place. I have a rough guess-timate of the final 28 episodes. I've made awesome progress! Yay!
Went to the jaw doctor today for a followup. No worries unless things change. My jaw will most likely never work the way it once did which saddens me, yet I'm getting used to it...adapting to the pain I suppose. Also went to Meijer, my doctor's office to make an appointment for several reasons...then Kroger and home. Just harvested my Farm. My jaw hurts from stretching it for the doc and I may take a muscle relaxer before going to sleep, but if I do I'll be out of it until about 24 hours from now.
I read the early reviews for "Predators" which have been mostly positive, saying it's the best installment of that series since the first one. I think people diss the AVP movies based mostly on the last one (which was HORRIBLE), which isn't exactly fair, but for my money AVP (Part 1) is the best Predator movie so far. Perhaps I'll like Predators even more. I hope so.
I'm worried that things with Michael have to end. I don't want them to. But with my jaw being all fucked up and my stomach being all out of control, my ability to have sex has been severely compromised...and Michael has a HUGE sex drive. Part of me is hurt that after more than a year with me he will most likely choose to not be with me, and part of me completely understands. This isn't his fault or mine...I didn't expect my body to change like this, and I expect we'll always be friends who love one another, but I think our time as a couple is ending...but maybe I'm just being dramatic and I'm wrong, because he doesn't seem interested in leaving me. Yet I feel guilty for not having sex more often...and a kind of pressure to do so, even though it physically hurts me to do so. We'll see. Maybe some kind of balance will happen that I can't foresee yet?
posted by Bald Jason at 02:28 PM
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Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I'm a terrified person. I feel like much of my life is falling apart. My jaw is fucked up. My meds aren't working very well, so everytime I eat...horrible things happen. I'm suffering. The happy (if ignorant) summer of only a year ago seems like an impossible dream to me now. I'm going to lose Michael. I feel like I'm losing my body and life... I'd probably be suicidal except that I'm now frightened of dying, which annoys me. Death sucks. I'm pretty cynical of late. People who have children automatically sentence such beings to death; everyone has to die. Part of me struggles to proclaim it a natural process and nothing to fear...other times I have moments of tense agonizing fear of what's to come...while still other times I think there's no point in worrying about it because there's nothing I can do to prevent it from happening.
I miss Michael. I haven't seen him in days. We're still a couple. For now. But he's not going to want me for much longer. I can't stop crying lately.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:27 AM
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Thursday, July 8, 2010
Talked to Michael last night. I have a doctor's appointment to day to cover several issues, hopefully. Trying to be more upbeat but it's really difficult lately.
I worked on my site a bit, finding a flaw in my DCAU logic that's gonna cause all kinds of problems unless I can figure a way out of it. :-0(
Also updated my poetry section.
I'm contemplating getting rid of or at least retiring from my Farm Town farm; just harvesting everything when it's ready and then letting the farm rest for a few months or something. It's a thought. I just think I maybe spend too much time on the damned thing when I could be doing other stuff.
I did some laundry and picked up a bit in the living room; organized some stuff in the fridge. It's not much, but it helps.
My Doctor's appointment is at 4:45. I'm gonna try to take a nap so I'll be awake for it.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:30 PM
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Saw the doc. The pain in my dick is back with a vengence, just in the last 20 minutes or so. Very unhappy; very painful. I took some AZO which helped before. I also have hemorrhoids, which the doc looked at; said they aren't that serious and though they're painful he had some tips. I got a perscrption for Imitrex...only my insurance won't cover it and it's about $200.00 for 9 pills!?! Doc also gave me a new perscription for a sedative to deal with stress.
UGH. This pain is really HURTING. Maybe this is a kidney stone problem... I don't know. They'll do a test another day (the lab was closed when we left). I have a followup appointment on the 29th. My stomach isn't upset, but I've not eaten anything in about 12 hours.
posted by Bald Jason at 08:09 PM
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