Sunday, July 18, 2010

Hung out with Michael last night. When I got there he was asleep on the couch so I went to the bedroom and slept a bit too. When he got up we watched DS9's "Soldiers of the Empire", "Children of Time", "Blaze of Glory", "Empok Nor", "In the Cards" & "Call to Arms". We then watched Voyager's "Worst Case Scenario", & "Scorpion, Parts I & II". I napped on and off throughout the episodes but fell right to sleep when we went to bed after (around 5am), having exchanged maybe 10 sentences with him the entire time.

I woke early; around 9am. I got up and played online, read news and such. Went back to bed and noticed my hand twitching; a possible sign of a condition caused by my meds. I've had random twitches before, and several nightmares about getting this condition...both because it's usually permanent...and because it would mean I'd have to stop taking my Reglan and not be able to keep food down any longer. That, mixed with the odd feeling of being more alone in Michael's company had me sobbing. I cried several times throughout the day.

I joined Michael in the shower when he got ready for work (around 1:30pm) and it was like there was an emotional wall between us, even stripped of clothing. He had an erection and I stroked him off from behind him, crying as I did so, though he didn't know. It was... I was feeling so much, but feeling so alone...like I'd lost so much.

After the shower we watched Voyager's "The Gift" and then we both left; he to work and I back to the condo. I talked to Mark about everything. I'd called him from Michael's apartment that morning to tell him of my fears. He said that he had cried earlier thinking about it. I cried again as I spoke to him.

I later spoke to my new friend Shawn on the phone as Mark drove us to Meijer and then Whole Foods. Shawn is cute, and he's funny, and I'm getting to know him which is nice. I don't know if we'll stay friends, or if there's chemistry there for something else? It's hard to say, but I'm guessing no, and I'm just gonna pursue the friendship. Friends are good. If there's something more there then it will happen, and if not, I'm not worried about it. I let him go so I could shop at Whole Foods.

I got some Kiwis, Strawberries, Vegan Cheese, fries, soy cream, vegan chips - that might be all. I can't remember and I'm TIRED.

I've just been playing on the computer since I got home. I should call Shawn back. I might try to watch an episode of Six Feet Under before I pass out.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:45 PM
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   Monday, July 19, 2010

I read the new Entertainment Weekly. Went to bed around 10pm. Woke up around 3:50am. Called Michael as I missed a call from him; left him a voicemail. He called me back, wanting to know if I was ok. I'm not. I stopped taking the reglan and now my belly is all in knots. I watched the new True Blood; I liked it.

Michael's online looking for sex right now. This shouldn't bother me, but it does. I hurt. Physically and emotionally. How do I make it stop?

I have an MRI appointment at 8am.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:26 AM
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I feel trapped by my emotions and my circumstances. I feel afraid of what's been done to my body; afraid of what's been done to my heart; afraid I won't recover. I feel alone. I feel...lost. I don't know how to get back to where I was. And even if I do, I'm afraid I'll never have what I had with Michael ever again. And the thing is...I DIDN'T even have it with Michael. It was all a fucking lie. I was just stupid enough to believe it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:02 AM
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I can't stop crying. I was fine. I had been depressed for several months and I then I was fine when I met him. And I wasn't looking. I was content on my own. But he pursued me. A fun date and a one night stand and I was fine, and he kept coming back. And he told me he wanted to marry me. And the whole time he was fucking around. Not just with 1 guy. Not just 1 time. And I gave him another chance. And another. And another. And I feel so fucking stupid. Why do I hurt like this? I should be happy. But I don't want to lose him as a friend either...like, if we take the sexual componant out, then he can't hurt me that way anymore...only it still does and I can't figure out why. Why does it hurt me?

And I was going to make everything better by getting back to eating and taking care of myself...only now...without my meds...I don't think that's possible anymore. I cry every fucking day lately...and Mark helps me...and Michael tries...and I have good moments where I think I might be better and then it hits me all over again. I don't know what to do.

Except I have to get dressed and go to my MRI appointment.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:27 AM
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My MRI went ok (I cried through most of the ride there), though I had to hold my jaw open and it's a bit sore now. Still depressed. Still not sure what I need to do. I do feel slightly better; talking to Mark helped a bit. I think the crying helps a little too. And the Xanax is probably helping too.

I need to talk to Michael, but I'm not sure now is the time.

I made an appointment with my G.I. doctor for Friday...only it's not my doctor because she left at the start of the month...so a new doctor who's not familiar with my problem. Hopefully that goes well.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:04 AM
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Slept for a few hours. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything...and that I should be doing something, yet everything I think to try seems pointless. Not sure what the fuck is wrong with me. I know I've felt this way in the past but I don't remember how I found my way out of it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:31 PM
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   Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I started feeling a bit better after the last entry thanks to some rocking mashups and conversation with Mark. I later slept from around 9pm - 5:30am. I harvested and planted my farm. Harvested and planted again at 7:30am. Been chatting and chilling online all morning. Feeling ok. Ok is better than terrible. I haven't been crying in about 24 hours and that's progress.

I went to gay.com this morning and saw that Michael has a new profile - and he used his actual name and not his fake name (Collin) which he used to use. This made me smile for some reason. I sent a friend request.

The latest season of Who comes to DVD November 9, 2010. Apparently there are 2 mini-episodes as bonus features which is cool bonus to have, though it may change how I view Season 31 of the Whoniverse. We'll have to wait and see. They're filming the Christmmas Special right now. It's possible we'll get another mini-episode or special before the end of the year. The 3rd Season of Sarah Jane will most likely be out on DVD sometime this fall, as will the 10th Doctor animated special, 'Dreamland'. Sarah Jane Adventures season 4 will air this fall as well.

I hope my ok / good mood lasts. I need to eat but I'm worried there will be consequences to such an action. I have an appointment on Friday about my issues with the Reglan and possible solutions / options, which I'm trying not to stress about. Maybe I can get some stuff done today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:08 AM
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Worked on my farm. Chatted more. Ate a sandwich, which so far, hasn't come back up. Started cleaning with Mark...gifts from Michael are making me sad I think. Hope it doesn't ruin my day.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:41 PM
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Cleaning. Snacking on green seedless grapes. I tried a new mixed fruit / veggie drink which is pretty good, but my stomach doesn't love it as much as my mouth does.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:03 PM
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   Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Cleaned with Mark yesterday evening for about an hour. Did some laundry. Snacked. I managed to keep everything down despite my lack of meds. All good things.

I chatted online with several interesting, supportive, sympathetic, hot guys last night / yesterday. Often times, when you're NOT looking for sex, gay men ignore you in chat rooms, and I certainly got snubbed by several guys, but I also met these great guys, which was helpful and appreciated.

I spoke to Michael on the phone while he drove home from work. His ex-bf Scot is apparently moving in with him again, which I understand. The only real downside to this is that Scot might be bringing cats to the apartment...which means: 1) I won't be able to visit as often, if at all. 2) Michael's new furnature will soon be destroyed. I guess Michael doesn't want the cats there though so Scot is gonna see if his boyfriend can keep the cats.

I went to bed a little after Midnight and woke up around 6:30am. Might go back to sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:59 AM
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Worked on my farm this morning. Spoke to Michael on his way into work. Watched the new episode of 'The Closer'. Had strawberries & kiwi for breakfast though they weren't as good as I expected; later had a shake and a slice of toast - managed to again keep everything down. Slept. Had odd nightmares. Woke around 3:30pm. Finising up some laundry. doing the farm some more.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:17 PM
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   Thursday, July 22, 2010

Mark & I went to some book stores then to Michael's to drop off some stuff he left our place. We couldn't stay long, which sucked, but later it was worse. Michael was looking to hook up online and I wanted to get out so I shaved and showered and went to Aut Bar. Ran into Shawn & Jon again. Met Joe & Courtney & her gay friend. Talked with Shawn & Joe for a few hours after the bar closed, then headed home. Had fun. Saw Michael was online after I got home and had some cyber stuff going on - he invited me over to sleep tonight but I can't make it out there tonight. It's weird...he's had all this sex since we broke up...he says he's doesn't feel anything; that he's shut his emotions off and is just going on autopilot - I worry about him.

I'm EXHAUSTED.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:04 AM
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Went to bed right after the last entry. Woke up around 10:30am. Harvesting some of my farms. Just read that Caprica 1.5 won't be airing this fall afterall! It won't be back until January 2011!?! WTF? Erg. Anyways, looks like Caprica & the Spartacus prequel (Spartacus: Gods of the Arena) will both be back next year...it just sucks waiting. I mean...these split seasons mean we get less of Caprica than we should. We get 1 season in 2 years, instead of 2 seasons in the same time. Fans will die in that time and never get to see what happens. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:01 AM
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Got some calls from Michael. One on his way to work, and then a sweet voicemail where he heard a song on the radio which reminded him of us - a love song. He sang the song badly, but it made me smile as it was very sweet. He's a great guy...with a problem. I really wish he'd get some help because I think he could beat it, but he won't even admit he has a problem....which makes me sad.

I watched 4 episodes of 'Six Feet Under'; I have 2 episodes left in Season 2, which I may watch today as I'm loving it again. Doing the farm thing right now.

Oh. And I ate again today with no problems again!?! I don't want to get too excited about it because I'm sure it's just a fluke, but I'm so happy to not be on my pills yet still not be puking. It's a huge relief.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:41 PM
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Finished season 2 of Six Feet Under. Very intense stuff for me; there was a major plot line about a sex addict and someone who was coupled with them. Gonna make a shake and continue with Season 3. I've seen the next episode I think, but nothing beyond that one.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:59 PM
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   Friday, July 23, 2010

I watched the first episode of Season 3 of Six Feet Under, and most of the 2nd before passing out around Midnight. I woke up around 6am. I had dreams I was in middle school and got in a fight; kicked his ass. lol. There were also interesting conversations, a lunch room for midgets, and a celestial choir.

I got two interesting e-mails yesterday, which I just responded to. One was from Joe, whom I met at Aut Bar Wednesday night. The other was from Christopher (who now goes by Topher), a Canadian guy that I dated briefly a little over ten years ago. He was nice and we had a good time together, but I was going through a lot and was overly emotional. At least 1 guy has contacted me since then asking about him, possibly 2. 1 was a boyfriend of his who tracked me down and knew stuff about me so I know that Chris talked about me, but he wouldn't tell me how to contact Chris, which made me think the bf felt threatened by me, which seems so fucking silly! We seriously only dated for about a month, if that. I remember him well, and it's all good, but that's all it was. Anyways - it was nice to hear from him.

I left my ringer on when I went to sleep, expecting Michael would call on his way home from work but it looks like he didn't. Perhaps he had a date? I hope he had fun whatever he was doing. I hope he starts feeling again some day...and knows happiness. :-0)

My online farm will be ready to harvest in an hour or two. I think I'll at least finish that episode of Six Feet Under; I think I have 34 episodes left in the series. I have a G.I. appointment about my meds at 2:30 I think.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:40 AM
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I watched more 'Six Feet Under'; 8 more episodes left in Season 3. I took an Epsom Salt bath. I'm trying very hard to keep my stress levels as low as possible. It sounds weird, but if I don't try to keep my stress levels down...they spike, and then I get very unhappy and my health goes all wonky, which sucks all around.

I just read that Mollie's had s seizure and cut herself with a knife she was using to prepare food! I don't often think about how my life could be improved through money, but when reading that I had a daydream about us all living together, and we had a friendly, happy maid that loved preparing Mollie's food for her.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:36 PM
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Chatted with Shawn. He's nice.

Watched more 'Six Feet Under'. Getting ready for my doctor's appointment. It's interesting to me (and I'm not complaining), but...my stomach hasn't had any problems this week, and I've not had any Reglan. It's kind of amazing to me. But I think it might be because I've been doing such a good job of controlling my stress. I wish I could do so well all the time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:54 PM
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Made it to the doc appointment on time. Met my new doc; pretty girl. So...things went well, and I thought we had a plan of action...only another doctor came in and sort of took over and now I'm doing a completely different thing, which has me very nervous. I'm having another gastric emptying test...and then depending on how that goes I'm probably having surgery. I'm trying not to stress about that but having trouble as my last surgery was so fucking horrible...erg.

Michael's not going to Heather's going away party cause he's having friends over. He says if I want to see him I can come over too, but I don't want to intrude on his making friends. Feeling slightly at odds with the world around me.

I need to chill.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:00 PM
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Managed to relax without drugs. Chilling. Chatting. Talked to Michael on the phone several times. It's been storming most of the day. I'm sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:56 PM
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Chatted with Alex. Played some games. Watched more Six Feet Under; 5 more episodes in Season 3. Shawn was going to Necto tonight, or said he might; said he'd text me but I've not gotten one. I'll probably just stay in and go to sleep; I'm very tired. Michael said he'd call when he gets off of work.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:58 PM
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   Saturday, July 24, 2010

The night started out ok...then got odd...and then just sucked. Michael called me and let me know that he was sorry we broke up; that he missed me being around which was nice. He also told me that he wasn't going to hook up with anyone tonight. Then my online friend Alex, who I had a slight crush on, talked to me for a bit, then said I should get some sleep. This is something Michael has said to me a few times before looking for sex, which now sets my nerves on edge. Shortly after, a friend of mine called to ask my permission to sleep with Michael; who had just contacted him and said he was free tonight...then told me about the guy (Alex) who had also hit on him and wanted to have sex with him in the park tomorrow. I should just never date, ever again. I just have HORRIBLE taste in men.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:20 AM
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I called Michael to talk about the deception. He's mad now. I'm stressed. Shaking. The works. My friend is freaked. This week has been mostly good. I just have to chill.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:33 AM
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Tonight sucks. What if Michael never talks to me again? What if he does...but he's never truly honest with me? Is anyone ever truly honest with anyone? I don't know. But do people have to lie to me only to have those lies uncovered shortly after? It hurts. I took another Xanax to calm down, which in itself freaks me out kind of because I don't want to become addicted to that shit. Ugh.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:01 AM
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Slept a bit after the last entry. Got some texts from Michael...which were pretty hostile, followed by one that asked where should we go from here. I didn't have the answers. I wept in Mark's arms and then slept cuddled up with him for most of the day; waking up shortly before 4pm. I read e-mail. I later spoke to Mollie on the phone for nearly 2 hours; lots of laughter and love. I'll probably watch more Six Feet Under. I may read...yet I have that useless feeling; like nothing I do matters; like I'm not accomplishing anything.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:59 PM
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