Sunday, August 15, 2010

Saturday brought lots of Drama. First from Michael as a miscommunication meant I was supposed to chill with him Friday night instead of Saturday...I got sick to my stomach...and realized the only way to not be sick was to smooth things out with him which I concentrated on doing for most of the day. It was a difficult day between my stomach being upset and dealing with serious issues between Michael & I. It finally seemed to have a happy ending with us cuddling and sleeping...

Then the shit hit the fan. Only from Mark. He'd spent some time with family and was back in A2 with his sister-in-law and texted / messaged hoping Michael & I could join - only we were asleep. He texted me 19 times and left 2 voicemails; he texted Michael 7 times and left him 2 voicemails as well - all saying 'call me' and not hinting if it was an emergency or not. I responded as soon as I saw the messages (I woke up thirsty around 2am) but Mark didn't respond, which worried the fuck out of me, making me sick again and leading to a stress headache from hell - only he didn't respond because he was pissed at me. Classy.

So now my stomach is upset again. After I spent all day yesterday working out the drama / stress that was clawing at me, only to have it explode all over me again. I was sleeping; I'm sorry. And 19 texts when it's not an emergency is just excessive and cruel. It's bad enough that I missed the chance to hang out with Mark & Julie (one of my favorite people on this planet) but now i have to be punished for that? Seriously? I didn't answer because I was asleep after an exhausting day. Mark didn't answer because he was being a bitch. Honestly I have more reason to be pissed here than he does. And I know he's gonna read this and be upset but it's my fucking blog; just let me vent! Ugh.

However...we're all under a lot of stress. His former employers are dicking him over. He's waiting on news of a job...and money stuff. He's got family stress. He's got major issues. I need to cut him some slack. I need to move on from this anger and just get past it. I don't want this shit poisoning me.

I'm gonna try to sleep. I'm supposed to hang out with Bryan, Di, possibly Robert, and possibly Mark & Shawn later. I told Bryan I'd invite Mark but forgot in all the drama. I'll go do that now and then try to sleep. Blah. Hopefully I can eat later. That would be nice.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:38 AM
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Talked things out with Mark. Apologised. Mark forgave me and thanked me. Played online. I feel calm. I feel like all the effort I've put into smoothing things over with my friends in the last 24 hours has paid off. Now if I could just have a day where I'm fine and nobody gets hurt...that would be great.

I have SO MUCH laundry to do.

My 35th Birthday Party was a year ago today; it was a Saturday.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:40 AM
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Chilled. Had a snack. Took a nap, with random texts & calls waking me up. Hanging with Bryan, starting sometime between 6pm & 7pm. Shawn can't make it cause he needs to sleep for work. Michael can't go because...well, he doesn't want to go, and also he needs to go to bed early tonight so he can get up early for his new job. I don't know if Mark is going or not. I could invite Tom though I'm not sure what he's doing and at this point it might be best just to keep things simple. Don't want to think or worry about anything. Tom doesn't make me worry so that's not an issue...I think I just need a vacation from myself. lol. I'd love to sleep some more. Also more food. And a bath would be nice. A walk would be good but I feel like holding off on that for at least another day.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:41 PM
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   Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Sunday, before going to Di's house, Michael texted me to let me know he'd deleted me from his Facebook friends list. He said it was too difficult seeing me move on with other guys. He also felt me a very heartfelt voicemail saying how sorry he was that he had hurt me so terribly and that he knew that I'd find someone amazing because I deserve to. I told him that I understood him needing space but if he ever decided he needed me as a friend that I'd be there if I was able. I found it oddly fitting that he was telling me some deep truths and putting some healing distance between us 1 year to the day that he'd thrown me that huge birthday party which at the time felt like a lie, and then later (when the truth came to light) like a payoff. It only took 1 year but I got the present that I really needed, even if it made me a little sad.

Mark & I had a good time visiting with Bryan, Robert, Di, Kyra (Robert's girlfriend) and Chris (an Alfaro relative). We played euchre and talked about old times. They gave me some fun gifts, which I hadn't expected at all. It was all good.

Monday morning I watched the new True Blood. And I finally slept for more than 4 hours at a time. Monday night I hung out with Shawn Walker and his friend Steve at Aut Bar (I walked there). My friends Andy & Redcloud were there, plus Ryan & Shane (people I'd met recently). After Aut closed Shawn, Steve & I walked to Pizza House for food and conversation - it was all good. Mark kindly picked us up as it was chilly outside. We dropped Steve off at his place on Liberty, then dropped Shawn off at his car and we made plans to hang out on Tuesday.

I watched some more Six Feet Under; I have 4 episodes left in Season 4, and 16 episode overall.

I did the dishes and several loads of laundry.

Tuesday morning Michael left me a voicemail saying that he missed me and that he's miserable without me. That he's trying to keep his distance but it's difficult. I had a good breakfast. Michael called me later and said that he loves me, misses me and wishes we were back together. I told him I love and miss him and think we could be great friends. When I met Michael, he rushed us into a relationship and soon asked me to marry him...and now it feels like he's trying to rush my healing process. I don't think he means to do that...I'm flattered by it in some ways, but things have to go the way things have to go. He told me that if I ever feel like giving us another chance that he'd be open to that and let me go.

Later I hung out with Shawn; took him to meet some of my relatives: my grandparents, my lil sis (who was nice to me), Aunt Marge, Uncle Mike, Katie, Michael White, Dadgr(?) & Jenny's 3 kids. It was all good.

Later we had naked cuddles and lots of conversation...but no sex. It was very odd, very strange, yet somehow nice also. Stuff might happen later or we might just be friends...but I really like him. A lot. And he says he likes me a lot too. I'm not gonna worry about it. ;-0)

I left Shawn's place at like a quarter to 2am. I would have stayed and cuddled with him but I was very hungry and all my food was at home. I stopped at Meijer for more Silk and some other random things. I had a snack and I went to bed. I slept for like 4.5 hours again. Got up and played online.

I need to eat.

And I'm a bit bored. I might sleep some more actually as I have the free time at the moment. I need to get in touch with Tom and see what he's up to. He texted me something about chocolate last night but I was in Milan and getting bad reception. Might watch more Six Feet Under. Not sure.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:37 AM
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Layed down for a nap after the last entry. Was almost alseep when Mark came in to join me. He had bad news; he didn't get the job he was hoping for. I was sad and tired and cranky, but I told him I was sorry and that I hoped he'd find something soon...and that he should call his lawyer about some stuff that's going on, which he said he'd do Monday. He got up very suddenly and was gone and I passed out for about 7 hours! Crazy. I had odd dreams. Michael was in them. I texted him when I woke up that I missed him too (which has already been said but I was in that waking stage where the dream was still very vivid). He texted me back "Where did that come from?" and I texted I'd just woken from a dream about him. I also texted Tom who'd texted while I was asleep; I let him know I'd just woken up and he said good morning. I said thanks. Mark says he wants to go to Benny's & Meijer in the moring. It could happen.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:47 PM
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   Thursday, August 19, 2010

Chatted online. Missed Shawn. Talked to a drunken Michael on the phone about his job and how much fun he had getting groped at a party. Listened to music. About to go to Bennny's bakery with Mark, then going to Meijer. Hopeing to do some stuff today. Worried about Shawn. Need to chill with Tom soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:26 AM
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Went to Benny's. Got 4 glazed doughnuts and headed to Meijer. Traded texts with Shawn. Got new razors and some Starbucks at Meijer. Saw some old coworkers. Headed home with Mark. Nice to get out of the house as always. Been up ever since, chatting with friends and reading news. It's warm in here.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:19 PM
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At this time yesterday I was asleep. I'm very tired now. But, oddly, very horny. lol.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:58 PM
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   Friday, August 20, 2010

Was up until around 6pm. I baked cookies again, but this time I burned them. Perhaps I'm not meant to have cookies right now. lol. Messed around online. Was exceptionally horny today. Talked to Shawn for about an hour right before we both went to bed. I woke about an hour ago with my tummy in knots...probably from the doughnuts earlier. I was warned against having them after my gallbladder was removed but I thought my body had adjusted since October...and maybe it has because if I'd eaten them then they'd have gone stright through me. Whatever.

Probably sleep more soon. Would like to see Tom soon. It's been over a week now. And Shawn and I are planning on hanging out sometime this weekend.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:27 AM
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   Saturday, August 21, 2010

Friday. Got lots of sleep. Shaved off the beard & fur. Went to Necto to meet Shawn. Drama. Sadness. Why did I fall for a bottom? The signs were all there, but I hoped for the best because he's so fucking awesome. :-0( We can be friends of course...but aside from our biology there was the potential for something more. It was like falling in love with a woman only worse. What the fuck? If I fall for a guy, or start to fall for a guy and he feels the same for me then it should just fucking work goddamn it. :-0( Erg.

Apparently "I Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem & Rihanna is our song. We danced to it and they played it at the end of the night too. He said it was ironic and when I pointed out that we never lied to each other he said that he thought we lied to ourselves. How fucking sad is that? Erg.

Shawn's Facebook status when he got home from the bar: "and with a tear in his eye he says good night"

My stomach has been worse the last few days. Wondering if it's because I've exercised less? Perhaps exercise is key to my stomach working?

I just finished Season 4 of Six Feet Under. 1 Season / 12 episodes left.

1 year ago today, my boyfriend Michael cheated on me with 2 men (Rocco & Brad); the lastter was bareback. He then took me to his grandmother's funeral where his mother thanked me for coming. Later Mollie was rushed to the hospital and I took care of Michael instead of going with her and Mark. Michael fucked me without telling me he was putting me at risk and then accused me of cheating when I stopped by the bar to see an old friend on my way to see Mollie (even though he was invited to both destinations). I was sick all weekend.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:32 PM
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