Sunday, November 6, 2011

Food stayed down on Wednesday. Also I went to my
group, which could be productive; it's just a bit odd as it's
mostly made up of people with extremely serious mental
conditions and drug addicts, yet the information being
covered could be effective for anyone. After the group, I
met Janice, our bio dad, Ilyssa and Aaron at the mall.
Before Aaron arrived there was this encounter with this
model type guy and this girl who took my order at
Starbucks who recognized me from an encounter we had
at Best Buy dealing with the movie "Hocus Pocus"! lol. We
sat in the food court and talked; it was nice, but very low
key. When we parted ways I drove dad home and then
went home myself. Later I drove Mark to Gen's, and he's
staying there until Monday morning. I stayed the night
with Aaron, which was wonderful, and he watched the first
3 episodes of Doctor Who.

Thursday my stomach was very upset. I had therapy,
which was nice. I made a doctor's appointment (which is a
big deal, because I have this phobia with talking to people
I don't know on the phone) And I later spent the night with
Aaron again.

Friday I started searching for an apartment online, which
Mark helped with a bit, which was nice of him. It's very
intimidating, and I'm not even sure I'll be moving soon or
if I'll be needing a roomie as Mark has a new plan where
he'd move to Gen's for a few months to give me a better
shot at a better apartment while I stay here with the car
and get a job - which would be nice, but it depends on
him being able to work from home that whole time and we
don't know if that's really an option yet. Anyways, I
searched through apartment sites and joined Pride
Roommates, which had me really excited but then seemed
to be a bust...except then it might not be. I still have to
look into that. Later I managed to keep food down by
taking an old Reglan and was going to take a nap but
Aaron called and his mother wanted to meet me. Aaron's
mom was fantastic. After meeting her I headed home and
must later I fell asleep. I didn't end up seeing Aaron that
night after that which sucked but was ok too.

Saturday was mostly horrible. TERRIBLE Headache, which
has been recurring ever since. I have it again right now. I
really fucking miss Midrin, my old migraine med, which
they stopped making - that would be GREAT right now.
Anyways, most of the day was spent trying to dodge that
bullet and I didn't get passed it until very late in the day. I
talked to Mollie. Karen joined Facebook. I wrote a poem,
which looking back now has surprising depth, which
people grasped long before I did! lol. I also sent out
poems to George and worked on my website a bit. Later
Aaron took me to Aut Bar to watch him play pool. Rusty,
Johnny V., Terry and tons of other people were there.
Johnny bought me 3 shots and I got buzzed super quick,
which was nice - plus after the first shot (which I had a bit
of trouble with) they stayed down. Johnny got super drunk
again, like I've nto seen since early summer and he
actually assaulted my friend Monica and went at her again
which I put a stop too - I put myself between them and
told him to stop and I wouldn't let him near her; he told
me to fuck off and stormed off, but was nice again later
when he got in his cab (which he THANKFULLY took
home); it was a mess, which I suspect he won't remember
later. It was horrible but makes me feel better about us
not becoming invovled...like maybe he really was trying to
protect me from THIS. I flirted a lot; especially with this
guy Tim (who's also a bottom) which I was worried might
upset Aaron, but he was awesome. We later had a really,
really fantastic discussion about that and all sorts of other
details. Great conversation. I don't know if Aaron and I will
last forever or whatever...and I don't care. I mean...I love
how we are right now and we agree that we're both getting
something we need or want out our partnership and it's
really nice. Really nice. He left, borrowing a book of my
poetry, and I went to sleep.

I dreamt of putting Doctor Who in order...which I'm
constantly trying to do. lol. If I can afford the new DVD's
on the 22nd, I can put almost everything in order; the only
thing I won't have is the Torchwood Motion Comic
because it won't be released on DVD here until next year,
but it's released in the UK on the 14th, so hopefully
someone will post a temporary copy that I can use until
the set is available here.

Oh. The final Wicked Years book came out this week. I
want to finish that series, but I don't have the funds to get
it right now. :( It sucks, because Mark cut my allowance by
$10.00...at exactly the same time as he stopped buying a
lot of stuff for me, so I actually need my allowance more
when I don't have it anymore.

Ok. I need more pain killer NOW. I wish I had some
ibuprofen.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:38 AM
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How is it 4 hours later and my headache is still kicking? Also,
I think I hurt my back last night. :(

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:35 PM
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   Friday, November 11, 2011

Where to start?

Monday was horrible. Picking up Mark he suggested that I
live in Gen's place while she takes up residence in my
home with my Mark and my room and my things while I'd
be living in her old place an hour away from my closest
friends and even further from my family...isolated from
from friends, family and therapy. Ugh. I was so
overwhelmed with pain...I ended up cutting myself. When I
picked up the knife I wanted to die. When I wrote my
suicide note I was bleeding on my keyboard. And when I
saw friends commenting on the note (which didn't
mention that I'd be dying) I stopped cutting. I just have
two deep scratches in my arm...but feel a lot better. My
family & friends know so I'm not isolated. And it was this
event which confirmed that I need to get the fuck out. I
saw Ilyssa later but I was very out of it.

Tuesday I took pictures of my nephew Justin for his senior
pictures which went really well. I got to see my sister
Janice's entire family, my parents, my younger sister and
her husband, and my grandparents. I gave my mom her
birthday present (her birthday was Monday). My dad gave
me a cool neclace and a great hug. My little sister, who's
kept her distance from me for years talked to me for
about an hour. It was great. But I was sad too. So much is
changing so fast.

Tuesday night I went to Aut Bar with Aaron to watch him
sing and then went out for food with him and his friends,
including Wes, who said he needed a tennant. And just
like that I met the guy I'd be living with. Mark & I went out
and saw the house (in Ypsi) on Wednesday - the rent is in
the price range I was given (and is actually like $175.00
less than what I was told I could get), including
utilities...and has a washer and dryer...my room will be
smaller than it was but there's plenty of room for my
things and I might get rid of a lot. Also, I have my own
bathroom - and did I mention that my roomies seem really
cool?

Thursday I moved some stuff over there (with Mark &
Ilyssa) and got my house key. I'm both excited...and
extremely depressed about all of this. I need to be
completely moved out by a week from tomorrow.
November 19, 2011. I met Mark on December 19, 1995,
and have barely been away from him since; not a bad run I
suppose. We used to celebrate the 19th every month as
our monthly anniversary. Ugh.

I stayed in last night. I felt like I might be coming down
with a cold but I feel a bit better now. I miss Aaron. I've
not seen him since Wednesday night. Tonight will be 3
weeks since I met him...and though we're taking things
relatively slow, we consider ourselves a couple. He's
actually best friends with one of my roomies and lived
with the other one so that's conveniant, if a bit odd.

I need to get stuff done. I hate that stuff is so
disorganized here. I want to clean and pack and possibly
write.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:40 PM
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   Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Another entry where I touch on much bigger stories that I
just don't have the strength to cover in depth.

Mark is getting married. Something he swore to me he
would never, ever do. This broke my heart once years ago
when I wanted him to marry me. This time I find it...less
troubling. It confirms things I'd only suspected...plus it's
not as threatening as I'd have expected because the
marriage is very different from what I'd have wanted...he's
marrying her so she can get his insurance in a speedy
fashion, not because he's had a change of heart about
marriage...and he's also marrying a woman who's said "til
death do us part" to 2 other men, so to me the whole
thing is sort of a sad, sick joke. The fact that he posted
the news to Facebook before telling me, his domestic
partner and best friend of nearly 16 years is really fucking
hurtful. My sister knew before I did. Apparently I just have
to let that go though. Mark told me that originally he told
Gen that they couldn't post about it until after he'd told
me but then he changed his mind because it was
something to be celebrated and if he didn't it was like he
was ashamed of her - which I don't think anyone would
have thought - because HELLO - nobody would have
known! lol. And what he didn't say here clearly implies
that she convinced him of this fact. Thanks for that Gen.

Mark is no longer paying for my new home because his
future wife was upset about it and made a point that Mark
hadn't thought of so he "changed his mind" again - which
is what he says anytime he tells me he will or won't do
something and then doesn't follow through on it. It's never
a lie. He's just changed his mind. Or he's forgotten. That's
how it's been for years and I expect that's how it will be
for years to come. Though he seems terrified of Gen so
maybe she won't stand for it and she'll break him of the
habbit. Good for her.

I'm convinced I'm going to lose my insurance and food
stamps which means I'm going to have to make a lot more
money than I have in the past...which means full time
employment...which seems impossible given my current
health...which is something I've been avoiding talking
about.

My stomach has been getting worse; not better. I'm under
160lbs now. I'm usually 170. This is bad. I've not been
exercising so this weight loss is strictly from me being
constantly sick. Last night was devastating. I can't express
how always being hungry and never being able to satisfy it
feels like...while being physically ill and how that plays
into my irrational feelings stemming from my eating
disorder. I'm constantly on the verge of slicing myself
open lately. One minute I'm fine...and the next I'm the kid
who can't eat or the world will end.

I'm quitting my group. I just can't handle the work load
from it, and though it's more like a class, I find the idea of
'group' extremely stressful after what I've gone through in
the past. I think the lessons could have helped me in a 1
on 1 sort of session but that's apparently not possible and
I guess I'll just have to get a book on it or something
because this isn't working for me. Also, this means I'm
going to lose my therapist, which I hate, but this thing
where I have to jump through this stressed out 2-hour
hoop every week to see him on a different day is
obnoxious and not what I signed up for.

Ok. My mother just called with some good news. I'm not
gonna go into it here because I fear what the outcome of
such a revelation would be. But it was nice to have some
good news...when everything seems so horrible lately.

There have been good things too of course, otherwise I'd
be dead. Aaron for one. He's been amazing. I'm terrified of
relying on him for emotional strength because I've done
that with other men and been trampled as a result...but he
makes me smile and he doesn't seem to be bothered by
my failings. Mollie has been a constant source of
comfort...and yesterday she prevented me from offing
myself when nobody else even thought I was thinking of
it; she sent me this yesterday:

"I hope that you are still around to read this Jason. Life as
you know it is crashing down all around you. You feel
trapped and betrayed and hopeless. It's probably
impossible for you to even fathom that there is another
way out. Suicide probably seams like the perfect solution.
A way to make all the pain that you are feeling stop. I
would be lying if I told you I had never considered it. It's
so appealing to know that you at least have control over
this one aspect of you life when every thing and everyone
around you makes you feel powerless, defenseless, and
disposable. I've always considered suicide to be a personal
choice but I just want to remind you Jason that death is
forever. It certainly offers you an escape from the pain you
are feeling but it robs you of so much more. Think about
all the amazing people you have met just in the last few
months. Think about the simple joys of all night euchre
matches or just sharing a conversation about silly TV
shows. Think about all the fantastic books you will never
experience. Think about watching your nieces and
nephews grow up. Life is just a series of moments and
while you may be able to wipe out the bad you will also be
depriving yourself of all the good. I know it's selfish of me
to want you to stay, but I've already lost one brother to
suicide and now I'm terrified that I'm about to lose
another. I was just a child when I lost Roy. His problems
were too big for me to understand and my voice was too
small for him to hear me. I have to try to make you hear
me Jason. I don't have all the answers and I can't promise
you that everything is going to be ok. What I can promise
is to be here for you, to listen and support you, offer you
advice that you may or may not welcome, to laugh with
you or cry with you, to love you. What you choose to do is
ultimately up to you...just don't let that bitch be the one to
force your hand."

I was weeping. Actually I've cried several times every day
this week. Early this morning it was with Mark talking
about my stomach and my future. Then about a half hour
ago I got a call from my mom which left me in tears again.
I just ate so I have to sit still for a bit, but then I want to
pack up the rest of my stuff. I want this move to be
finished on Saturday. It's just hard to gather strength
when you can't process food.

Also, the last 10 minutes or so of last night's glee (3x06
Mash Off) were STUNNING and I can't stop watching it.
There may be a new Doctor Who Mini-Episode on
Friday...and the title for the Christmas Special will be
announced. Looks like I won't be getting the Torchwood
Motion Comic as soon as I'd hoped; apparently it won't be
released in the U.S. until sometime next year...it was
released in the U.K. on Monday, so maybe someone will
post it before Christmas so my friends can get the
complete season then, which if the new mini-episode this
Friday is legit and part of the story arc and not some meta
wink nudge thing, then that will bring the total episode
count to 83. Crazy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:41 PM
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   Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving. I'm writing this entry from my phone
as my computer is dead and won't be active again
until next week at the earliest which sucks.

Today was good. Actually almost everything has
been good lately. I moved. I live in Ypsi now with
my friends Mark (not Mark Adams) & Wes. I mostly
like the place...and may love it one day.

I'm still dating Aaron which is going nicely. It's very
relaxed and comforting. I had a great time cuddling
and talking and watching Doctor Who with him last
night. We also watched some Big Bang Theory and
Star Trek Voyager. I slept well and dreamt that I was
on a college baseball team and that the studly
football team was trying to recruit me even though
they knew that I had never played.

Mark and I are in a strange place...I thought it would
inprove once I was out of the condo but he's still
under so much stress and probably as a result of
that he's constantly providing conflicting info which is
very frustrating. He said I needed to move fast into
a place that was $675 but when I found a place for
$500 he couldn't pay? So glad I didn't go for the
more expensive places. He also told me the faster I
moved out the sooner Gen could move in but they
don't seem to have changed their move in date. The
stress makes Mark very grumpy and hard to be
around because he's almost constantly criticizing with
very little polite conversation at all...which then
stresses me out. Hopefully we survive this period.
Actually...it would probably be worse if I lived at the
condo...at least this way I've limited our contact
which is probably better for both of us.

I saw my family today. My grandparents, parents,
aunts, uncles, cousins, niece, nephews & siblings; all
of it good. I had an especially nice conversation with
my Uncle Mike White. I returned a borrowed space
heater to my dad which I'd have kept if I'd known
that my roomies were shutting off the heat while
they're away visiting family! Oh well. I stilll have a
little one warming up the bathroom...I'm about to get
ready to go to Aaron's for the night anyways...though
I may delay a bit.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:41 PM
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   Friday, November 25, 2011

Spent last night with Charles and Aaron...it wasn't
the night I had planned, but it was fun. My stomach
freaked out before I joined them though and I was
sick all night. We met Aaron's old roomie Bernard
this morning and went to Big Boy which was nice. I
was afraid to eat anything but had fun. I decided
against chilling with Aaron and Charles today so I
can maybe get more rest and be better prepared for
seeing Aaron's show tonight but Wes is home and
watching a loud movie...glad I have earplugs. Wish
me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:04 PM
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   Sunday, November 27, 2011

I miss my computer. Still on my phone.

Friday, Wes turned down his movie and I slept a bit
but my stomach was still horrible. I still went to
Aaron's show with his mother, whom I adore. The
company was welcomed and the show was
wonderful; I cried. After the show Mary Ellen
(Aaron's mom) headed home as she wasn't feeling
well. Aaron & I hung out with the cast at a local
tavern where I ate too much yet managed to keep it
all down. I slept at his place after we watched the
extended cut of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves",
which was a bit odd. I love the theatrical version
and saw it 6 times in theaters...and some of. The new
scenes filled in blanks I'd long suspected but others
seemed pointless...I'd have preferred a cut
somewhere inbetween the two.

Aaron left for his shows on Saturday and I cleaned
up his room a bit before going to Riteaid, Kroger,
Little Caesars and home. I managed to keep more
food down. I napped. I read. I was gonna jerkoff
but my roomie Mark got home and I felt odd. Lol. I
shaved and showered then worked on figuring out
Doctor Who for a few hours while Mark watched DS9
in his room. I may have cracked Who...we'll see.
Aaron called and asked if he could come over to do
laundry and hang out which Mark was cool with.
Mark and I had a really great talk...I like him as a
person and I think we could be great friends.

Aaron arrived and we got the laundry thing sorted
and were about to play a card game called Wizard
when Wes (Mark's boyfriend) got home a bit drunk
from the bar which changed the mood. I like Wes
and he's cool most of the time...he's sort of brilliant
and crazy all at once. But the mood of the night
shifted when he arrived...we still had some fun...but
Aaron was a bit more bitchy and Mark was clearly
hurt by some of Wes's behavior. I worry about all 3
of them, honestly. All 4 of us really.

We played a game of eucher then went to bed. It
felt good to have Aaron here. I slept well. I woke a
few times (when Wes and then Mark got up for work)
and Aaron left about an hour ago. He's coming back
tonight. Not sure what I'll get up to today. I may
post my Doctor Whoniverse thoughts in a bit.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:01 PM
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I finally finished reading Murder of Angels. It was a
good read...though like most of the author's work I
have no clue what just happened except that it pretty
much wrapped up everything from Silk...and I doubt
there will be another sequel, which is fine. Not sure
what I'll read next. It takes me forever to read a
book these days.

Mark B is home but I've not spoken to him. I might
do some laundry and take a bath. Maybe. I ate
earlier and my stomach was a bit upset. Blah. I hate
typing on the phone.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:23 PM
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I took a candlelit bath and took half a xanax. I just
sort of feel the weight of all the change of late. I
feel like my whole life with Mark A was just some
freaky dream and I'm waking up with none of the
support that I dreamt that I had. I'm ok. I know
this. I have a roof over my head and friends... But
my stomach is regressing me to crazy child me who
can't make sense of all that's happened except to
think I'm being punished by my father's angry god.
I'm trying to snap out of it. No more cutting and no
more death...but it's like I'm split down the middle
and one part of me is strong and one part is
broken...but I couldn't tell you which side is which.

I need to start looking for a job but without my
computer it's hard to apply at places right now...and
part of me is terrified...while the other part is scared
but putting on a brave face.

Aaron should be here soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:13 PM
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Aaron & I watched "The Matrix" then "The
Animatrix" though I slept through much of the latter
as my pills made me very sleepy. I feel a bit odd
now. I might eat. Not sure.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:34 PM
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   Monday, November 28, 2011

Ate..kept the food down though it was a struggle.
Watched "The Matrix Reloaded" which I've always
enjoyed...it's the 3rd film which drops the ball in my
opinion.

I hate my stomach.

Time to sleep though I'm not sure I can lay down
without getting sick.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:17 AM
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So today begins my job search...only not quite.
Lacking a computer sucks on so many levels...and
this job thing is just one of them. I did contact Mark
& DJ about using them as references; DJ said that I
absolutely could and Mark hasn't gotten back to me.
Aaron might be able to help me get a job at
Starbucks...and Mark said the mall is hiring "Winter
Help". Just about anything would be helpful at this
point.

Aaron is stopping by later to pick up his laundry but
probably not until after 9PM.

I really want to make lists of things...but typing
things out with 2 fingers on my phone's keypad isn't
any fun at all...and I wrote some on paper the other
day and my hands cramp up. I want my computer
back now.

Mark & I talked today and though I've asked him a
million times to not mention Gen to me he did. He
did the other day too and I think I need to just give
up on that for now. :-(

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:09 PM
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I'm rereading "The Thief of Always". My stomach is
killing me. Oh. And I'm horny. I've not cum in what
seems like ages. I'm gonna see if Mark can work on
my computer and I can maybe get some
crazybread...and maybe some pushpins so I can hang
my posters over my windows?

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:15 PM
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   Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Mark fixed my computer last night (THANKS!) though the N
Drive, which contains tons of my stuff, did not work out,
which leaves us scrambling to find alternatives.

I'm EXHAUSTED. My stomach was a nightmare last
night...except to have a nightmare I'd have to sleep which I
simply couldn't do. Then when I could sleep I had to get
ready to go to therapy; I need to be there in about 20
minutes. I may sleep afterward and then take something to
help me sleep tonight. I don't know. I do know that if I don't
sleep my stomach will only get worse and I can't afford that
to happen. I'm trying very hard to not be depressed about it
but I'm not quite getting there.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:08 PM
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Therapy went well, I think. I need to get some sleep if I can. I
have to meet Aaron and my roomies at karioke tonight, then
I'm staying with Aaron. On Wednesday I have to take Mark to
an appointment, and that way I'll already be in Ann Arbor.
Sounds like it could work. Doesn't do much for my job search
though.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:52 PM
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