Tuesday, April 5, 2005

I kissed him. He kissed me back. Do you know how long I've wanted to kiss this boy? 6 years, is it? Do you know how long it's been since I've wanted to kiss a boy that much? I kissed him, and with my mouth, hungry on his, he couldn't talk about Anthony, or his boyfriend, who I should feel guilty for treating so horribly, but it was just a kiss, only it so wasn't - but I've wanted that kiss for 6 fucking years, and I took it, and it was hot and amazing, and jesus fucking christ this feels good.

;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:20 AM
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   Saturday, April 9, 2005

Oh. I'm looking at picture's of Mark's new nephew: Nick. He's so cute! Check him out.

Congratulations guys! ;-0) I wish I could give Marcus & Julie hugs, and hold the baby, and watch Mark hold the baby; he never holds babies! :-)

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:26 AM
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Thinking I might go to City Club in a while; been cleaning my room & listening to random tunes; I kind of feel like dancing. I'm so out of shape, I could use the exercise. I went to Uptown Downtown on Wednesday, and had a blast, though the bar crowd was split between Uptown & 'Skybar' which is less than a block away, and I went back and forth between them all night; hanging out with friends, and dancing with cute boys (AJ & Matt) & girls.

I haven't heard back from Bob or Sandor; not everyone checks their e-mail as often as I do though. hmmm. I've been having really sexual dreams lately; I've dreamt about Zach, Heidi & DJ from work; Sandor & Bob from Necto, and tons of others that I don't care to mention at the moment; it's nice & all, but is surely a result of my continued lack of sex, which is by choice, but still odd. I haven't dated anyone in over a year, which is unheard of for me. I jack off all the time, which is fun, but it doesn't seem to be taking the edge off lately. hmmmm.

Tuesday night, Mark & I took Solomon & Janella to Pizza House, and I had so much fun. I met Solomon & Janella at work; they're customers of mine, who I've seen all too infrequently, so I asked if they'd like to hang out. They have recently discovered the joys of Buffy, and I let them borrow the 6th Season of Buffy (& the 3rd Season of Angel); it's nice to talk to them about that stuff too. I hope we hang out again soon.

Later on Tuesday Mollie called with new of an extra ticket to see Beauty & The Beast at the Fox in Detroit this coming Tuesday, April 12, and I went into work to let them know I'd need that day off; I stuck around to see Matt & Heidi; I never get to see enough of them. After they closed the store and were leaving I went to the Aut Bar where I ran into Franklin, Robert, Mike, Matt, & a dozen other people who made me feel good, while getting me to sing Karaoke (they host it there every 1st Tuesday of the month), which was fun. I sang Angel by Sarah McLachlan with Robert & Franklin & we kicked ass!!! Later I sang on my own and was suddenly very nervous, and I think I came off pretty horribly. I didn't get home until late, having talked to Franklin in my car for about an hour.

Well, I need to start another load of laundry, and eat something before getting ready for the club. Oh - note to self - don't forget to talk about the insane pressure at work to sell 'bundles'. blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:16 PM
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   Sunday, April 10, 2005

I did go to City Club last night, though much later than I expected to. There was a lot of construction going on in Detroit, so I was slightly worried that I wouldn't make it, but I pulled through just fine. The parking structure that I usually park in was closed so I had to park in an empty lot, much like I used to do when I first discovered City Club 10 years ago; I was a little worried about my car, but just like in the old days, it was fine. I danced alot, though I thought the music was kind of lame, and people that I usually see there, were not there; Joe wasn't working at the door, and I saw maybe 7 people I knew; Dolly was there, and we talked for quite a while; I love her. Matt's back in town from Pittsburg, and I wouldn't mind seeing him, for a chat. We dated for about 1 minute. Brian C. was there as well (who I dated for about 2 mins) and he was 'rolling' on XTC; charming.

I did more laundry today; I jacked off; I showered...I love clean sheets. In less than 5 weeks Star Trek & Star Wars will end (for now). JLU begins again in April, with a series of episodes that sound as if they are going to rock my socks. Alias has new episodes through the end of the season (sometime in May I think).

I've been buying a lot of gay themed movies in the last year. I never really cared that much about them in the past; I just liked a movie because it was good - not for the subject matter per say, but I think because of our country's lean towards conservatism, I almost feel like many people in power are trying to blot out the existance of gay people, and this is my way of kind of proving that we exist. Wacky huh? Crazy...probably. But I have a kick ass queer film library to show for it. They aren't just queer titles either; any movie with a gay character, or reference; basically anything that is inclusive is open for business on my shelf. Thank Joss I set up that Queer themed film database though; it's been more helpful to me, than the people I intended it for. ;-0)

So, about 'bundle sales' at Hollywood Video; as employees, it's part of our job to sell 'bundles', which are mainly a packaged deal in which a customer rents 2 new releases, and gets 1 candy item, a soda, and 2 bags of microwave popcorn for $9.99, which is a fairly good deal, assuming you want all of that stuff. I have a hard time upselling this stuff (usually candy) because it really is stuff that people don't need, and usually don't want. I was told in one meeting that in any retail service I'd be asked to do the same thing, which isn't true at all; I've worked in retail for years and years, and this is the first job where I've ever had to do this sort of thing, and it's hard for me, because it seems tacky, and it doesn't really seem to be about what the customers want, but what the company would like them to want, which, while maybe good business sense, seems to be poor customer service. Customers respect me because of my knowledge of film; people actually ask for me when I'm not there, and coworkers send people with questions in my direction; I don't know everything about every genre, but I know quite a bit, and I love that part of my job. My job, doesn't seem like a job - I go to the movie store; I help people find something they are likely to enjoy; I answer questions, and give background info, I do projects for my manager (who rocks by the way), and my coworkers are all kinds of cool.

The bundle selling problem has suddenly escalated; if the bundle sales in our store doesn't increase, all of my supervisors will be written up!?! I do sell bundles; it's not like I tell people to not buy them. Some people will rent 2 new releases, get a candy item, and not get the bundle deal when asked, even though they'll save .30 on their drink and get the 2 popcorns for free, and there's nothing I can do about that; it's the customer's choice, not mine. It seems unfair to punish people for this; especially if they're on track as far as bundle sales are concerned. It seems like, if anything, I should be in trouble - and if I was in trouble - or fired - I think that my customers would be outraged to know the reason why. The whole situation disgusts me, and people I've worked with for nearly 3 years are suddenly talking about leaving, which I don't want - and I don't want to lose this job; it's usuallly quite fun, and relaxing.

Oh, and another thing. When I went into work the other day, a movie that I was the last to rent, months ago, was discovered missing from it's case, and of course they came to me, because that makes the most sense, but I didn't have the disc, which is fine. But this is the 3rd time this has happened, sort of. I can't remember what the first movie was, but it was exactly the same thing, where I'd been the last person to rent the movie and the disc was gone - and then there was a movie I rented, which disappeared from the store, and that one was really good; I bought it the next week in fact for my gay film collection ("Rites of Passage"), and now this 3rd disc is missing, but there's no reason for me to steal discs from the store - for one thing, I like to display my movies and I'd need the case for that; another thing is that if I wasn't going to display the movie, I could just rip it to my computer, and no one would know - it would just be stupid of me to rent a movie and then steal it, there would be evidence linking it back to me, when in my job I could just open the case, take the disc, and put the case back; or I could rent it to some random person, and that would also solve the problem - so obviously it isn't me doing this, and while I don't think that anyone really believes that it's me, I think that it's possible that someone is targeting me for this theft, which is annoying.

roar.

I watched the 2nd episode of the L Word season 2 the other day, and I'm loving it. ;-0) And I so need to get ready for work.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:19 PM
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   Monday, April 11, 2005

Work was fun, but slow; I worked with Matt (who went home shortly after I arrived), Scott (who has really turned out so much cooler than I first expected him to) & Ben, with Heidi stopping by to pick up Scott, because his gf was working. Some 'christians' tried to witness to me while I was working:

them: "Did you go to church today?"

me: "hahahahahahhah. No."

them: "you know Jesus is The Man."

me: "Yeah, I hear he's hung."

them: "well, he was; he was persocuted."

me: "Yeah, well that's what Mel Gibson says, so it must be true."

them: "yeah; and he had love for everyone."

me: "Yeah, I used to date a guy like that."

them: "um...we weren't talking about that kind of love."

me: "What kind of love were you talking about then?"

One of them speaking to the other: "You know, I don't remember asking for this man's opinion."

me: "You know, I don't remember caring."

They left happy; I'm pretty sure they were stoned, and not in the biblical sense.

Ben let me go at a little past 11pm; we were that dead. I stopped at Aut Bar for a minute and got a great hug from Robert, but I felt...like not being there so I came home. I sorted a lot of my e-mail, which has been piling up, and I took a nap, and then I wrote this. I need to record some Enterprise episodes for Carrie & Adam, but I think I'll do that after I get some more sleep. I kind of feel like I should write some poetry, but I don't think I'm really up for that right at this moment.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:47 AM
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I watched some Batman Beyond last night. I'm actually really enjoying it, and I wish they'd release a boxed set of the series, which only ran for 52 episodes, though Batman II would make 8 more appearance (1 in The Zeta Project, 3 in ROTJ I-III, 1 on Static Shock, & 3 on JLU). I'm trying to make an episode guide for the Animated DC Universe, since many of the episodes don't make sense in either the order they were produced or the air date order. It's fun; it's like a puzzle; only I wish I had access to all the episodes/pieces. The 3rd Batman Boxed set will be released at the end of May, and a 2nd Superman boxed set is expected around December; a new single JLU disc should come out fairly soon, but I already have all of those; hopefully they will release a boxed set of Batman & Robin: Gotham Knights, as that would finish off the Batman I portion.

Ok, maybe I have too much free time on my hands, but I don't care. lol

I'm going to Necto tonight, as Matt & company from Bowling Green should be there. I dated Matt last year for...I'm not sure how long, but it wasn't more than a month before he dumped me. I haven't really dated anyone since, though I tried once. It's weird, but since Matt called it quits I've lost any attraction I had for him, and his has actually increased for me; it doesn't help that all his friends tend to like me, and ask him why he broke up with me. I hope he finds somebody, because that's what he wants, and while It's nice to be wanted, it's kind of uncomfortable, now that I don't share those feelings.

I don't work until Friday; what's up with that? I'm seeing the Beauty & The Beast musical with Mollie & Carrie tomorrow night; hopefully that goes smoothly, because I think it will be fun to see a show with those two. I kind of want to see The Ring 2 & Sin City, but I don't really feel like going to a theater to see them; lol. The only movie I guess I want to see in the theater is Episode III. Batman Begins might be good, but I don't have any strong feelings about it one way or the other, and I could probably wait for dvd on that one.

People at work want to know why I know so much about movies; it's because I'm a geek. That's my secret. I'ma white trash, gay nerd, who sometimes doesn't look the part, and that's all there is to it. lol

I should probably finish cleaning my room & stuff. blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:58 PM
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   Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Went to Necto tonight, and Matt & his friends showed up (after he forgot about coming, and then later cancelled), and Chris (my younger sister's ex-bf) was there as well. Some cowboy guy that used to know me from Denny's was there, but I didn't really completely remember him, which seemed to bother him - those days are kind of a blur for me, and I think that's for the best. Bob wasn't there, which is a shame. Sandor was there & there was forgiveness & I met Patrick, who is also in the band; they're opening for Assemblage23 on May 7 at Labyrinth; both invited me to the show; it sounds like fun actually, and I don't love live music.

I danced a lot. There was angry dancing, and funny dancing, and sad hurting wounded dancing...and there was just plain wacky dancing, but I felt I was kicking ass on the dancefloor; dancing much better than I have in a very long time.

After Necto, Matt & company came back to my place where I peeled off my vinyl pants and took a fast shower before taking them to Pizza House where we chatted and had a pretty good time; then I drove them back to their car, and I came home. My sheets are in the dryer, and I'm really tired, but I need my sheets! And I have to drive Mark to work in about 3&1/2 hours. blah.

I realized today that I haven't WANTED anyone in quite awhile. I want him & him & him. Or at least I used to; what happened to me? I still want him. And I like this other guy. But I haven't actually wanted to date anyone in forever...but I'm starting to want to again, which is good I think...except that I'm single, which...I'm tired and rambling - just ignore all this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:41 AM
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I slept for 5 hours; Mark let me sleep, and went to work, and is now on his way home so I can drive him back to work. Hopefully I'll wake up more as the day progresses...? blah.

I just saw a tv spot for Episode III, online called Tragedy. Yay! ;-0)

No new e-mail of note. I sent Sandor the poetry I've written about him last week, and last night he said that he hadn't checked it, but that he would (and that his boyfriend sometimes opens his e-mail) - but he was, of course, drunk again last night, so I'm not sure he'll remember; and even if he does get it, I didn't ask for a reply, which I should have, because not knowing if he's read them is driving me crazy. grr. Usually I get feedback a lot faster than this. lol

Still no replies from Bob. Too bad; he's a cutie. :-0(

I got in a fight with Matt last night; he said that all he wanted to do last night was kiss me, but I swear the only reason he wants me now is because I don't want him back. When he broke up with me, early last year, I was so into him - and when he did break up with me, he rambled on about (and I kid you not) how he believed he must be the reincarnation of a flower child, and that he wasn't meant to be with just one guy. lol Later, as I met more of his friends and they all liked me, and he wasn't getting laid all the time, he decided he'd made a mistake...and I just wasn't attrated to him anymore. I don't think it's a punishment deal; it's just that as I saw more of him through the breakup...I liked him less than I did. I think he's fine as a friend, but I have no interest in anything more with him, and I've told him this in great detail in the past, and I thought we were through all of that, and last night we weren't, and for the first time that really pissed me off, because I was talking to him as a friend, and suddenly we were back to that shit. grr.

Anyways, I need to throw my shoes on, and grab my I.D. & my sunglasses.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:20 PM
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   Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The Beauty & The Beast musical was mostly lame, with lots of annoying children, stressed out, rude parents, and we almost didn't get a seat because the person we were meeting with our tickets was very late. The actors did a good job, but the show looked horrible with crappy special effects, and horribly janky backdrops that were probably meant to make us feel like the stage was a lot larger, but only really made me feel like I was in a very badly wall-papered nusery, with a bunch of whiny brats. blah. I still had fun hanging with Mollie & Carrie though, and the drive wasn't anything to worry about.

I stopped at the Aut Bar on the way home, very briefly, and saw Scott & Archie; nice to see Archie out & about (with a slight mohawk no less). And then I came home to check my e-mail and write this.

Before leaving I had a snack, and I finally finished watching that Clone Wars DVD, which ended rather well; I might try to watch the new season tonight, or not, as I'm super tired. Tomorrow I have to get my tax info from my Grandmother, and maybe go see The Ring 2 with Mollie.

We're thinking about going on a train ride to Chicago... hmmm. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:03 AM
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After the last entry, I got ready to watch the new season of Clone Wars, and then, looked at my bed, couldn't resist, and slid beneath the covers for a 2 hour nap. When I woke up I watched the rest of Clone Wars which was actually really good; I hope they release this season on DVD soon. I'm very excited about Episode III now.

I talked to Amber Hatt the other day, though her phone apparently died in mid-conversation. She wants us (Mark, Mollie & Me) to visit again soon; we haven't been out there since October/November 2003. Apparently, her gaggle of friends no longer lives with her & Michael, which is strange; not even Laurie really, because she's always out with her new girlfriend, who is super cool I guess, but smokes, which bothers Amber, which is understandable. I'm thinking of sending Amber/Laurie a care package ;-0) With, maybe, a surprise for Michael is well. Don't know whatever happend to Phil & Boozhound. hmmm. I'll have to ask her next time we talk.

I drove Mark to work this morning, and then went to my Grandmother's to get my tax info; everytime I see that Bush/Cheney Sign in her yard I want to burn it! Those signs usually annoy me a little, but the thought of one being near the home where I was raised, while admittedly unsurprising, pisses me off to no end, and makes me feel like Grams doesn't really care about me - she does - just not openly; her love for me is closeted. I know that's not true though; I know I'm being a bitch, but that's hot it feels.

I didn't stay long at Grandma's cause I was super tired. I went directly home, and then ate, which meant I couldn't sleep right away or I'd get sick, so I did a whole lot of nothing. I actually shopped for more movies because Mark gave me an amazon gift certificate the other day, but it turns out that it's already been used; but by that point I already had the movies in my 'cart' and was checking out, and I just went ahead and ordered them, and this after I had decided to give Amazon a rest; especially since I'm going to be ordering some boxed sets (Enterprise/Batman) next month. Whatever. I went to bed after that.

Now I'm awake, obviously. I thought I might go to Meijer and get some Motrin for Mark & a tupperware/crate-like-thingy for my sex toys ;-0) I've been slowly building a collection of them in my singleness, and I don't want to 'hide' them, but I don't want them just spread all over the room either. I was also thinking (along the same vein) that I might go rent some porn from Video Hut; they have the best porn selection, and I love porn, and I'm apparently not having sex anytime soon. I don't like anyone enough to have sex with them right now...well, that's not true, I like one guy enough but he's taken, and I had a strong attraction to another one, but I haven't seen him since I met him, and we're never online at the same time, and he hasn't written me back, so I guess I should probably write that one off anyways; it's possible my website scared him; that much honesty can frighten boys away - if Bob is reading this I'm talking about you. lol. The first time I saw him outside the Necto I just wanted to lick him all over ;-0)

Alright, it's after 5pm, and I think I'm gonna get ready, go pick up Mark, go to Meijer (in case he needs anything besides Motrin), go to MediaPlay with the gift certificate I know isn't expired or used in hope of buying "Bad Education"; perhaps Mark will need to go to the Bank and/or post office. I'll drop Mark off at home, go to Video Hut for Porn, while he watches LOST, come home, watch ALIAS, head to Hollywood to pick up that movie I've been waiting for & that will make my night. Much masturbation to follow, possible chats, and reading of "Labyrinth of Evil". Ooh...I need to work out too. hmmm. Sounds like a busy night.

About me buying queer films from my list, if you look at the list, after tonight I should own all the movies from the start of the list through the end of the A's; wacky, huh? Plus tons more in the other letters, and I actually won't own "All Over Me" because it's not out yet, but I'm really excited that it will be soon; I saw that in theaters years ago with Jennifer & Tracy. Anyways, I'm not so much building a 'gay' shelf so much as a Queer Inclusive shelf; if there's a movie that references queer issues in some way it's welcome. I don't want it to be ALL GAY, ALL THE TIME, but I don't want to feel that any movie on this shelf denies my existance either; call it homosexism ;-0)

Another thing; I've been listening to "She Might Be Waking Up" by Shudder To Think, on repeat all day. I did that once on April 28, 1999 - and I ended up writing this poetry for my friend sort-of-friend Dorian (who I had recently made out with), and whom I have since learned, had many such transgressions. lol Just a funny memory now, I guess.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:09 PM
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So...I picked Mark up from work, we went to Meijer & got stuff, then on to MediaPlay where we spent far more than we expected to, but we saved a lot of money too, because almost everything we bought actually rang up for less than what they were marked, and they were marked for a sale price already. I got 3 cds (Phantom of the Opera, Garbage - Bleed Like Me, and Duran Duran - 7 & the Ragged Tiger), the Episode III novelization, Bad Education (which is what I went there for in the first place), and I got an Asajj Ventress action figure, because I think she rocks enough to own. I dropped Mark off at home and headed to Video Hut, where a cute 45 year old guy (who was like...a porn virgin) kind of hit on me, but I wasn't interested; he made me smile though. The dvd I wanted wasn't in, but I got some alternatives. I was way too late getting home to watch ALIAS so we're going to watch that later this week; I got Mark to watch Clone Wars instead, before making it out to Hollywood to get that dvd...um...er...dvds. And now I'm home, listening to music from the first Duran Duran tape (yes, tape) that I ever owned, while I type this out, and try to stave off sleep. blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:42 PM
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   Thursday, April 14, 2005

I started reading the Episode III prequel novel, Labyrinth of Evil by James Luceno tonight; I've owned it for a few weeks now, but I have so many books that I want to read that I haven't been able to pick one (lol); but those Clone Wars toons, and the new Episode III tv spots turned the tide, and I'm quite happy they did; the book so far (I just read 50 some pages without trying) is fab. The author, co-authored the Robotech series & I've read all 21 of those. I've also read his Episode I prequels: "Cloak of Deception", and "Darth Maul: Saboteur"; both of which helped me to look more fondly on my least favorite Episode.

I'm relaxed. It's really nice. This is kind of like vacation. I've been listening to "It's All Over, But The Crying" by Garbage, and "Call The Ships To Port" by Covenant. Good tunes, in my book. I'm chatting on gay.com right now. Cute boy pvted me to tell me I'm cute and that he likes gothboys; he's checking out my site; I hope it doesn't scare him away; I think it scares away a lot of boys who wouldn't be scared of me otherwise; I think it's cause I'm so graphic, or upfront; honest. It's a lot to take in, I guess. Also chatting with a guy I chatted with once before who is giving me a very flattering offer for sex, which I have no reason to turn down, except that I'm kind of on this no-sex kick, and I'm fine with that. Maybe someday I'll be super horny and not care so much about who I'm screwing and I'll kick myself for not screwing this guy (he's really cute, and has certain features I find delicious, and he's funny, and nice), but I've got to do, what I've got to do I guess. My dick doesn't want to say no though. I'm such a guy. I just want a guy that I like, before sex enters into it, I guess. God, I'm going all virginal again. what's up with this? lol

I'm leaving the chat rooms; gonna listen to the rest of the new Garbage CD; maybe read some more. Who knows? Maybe I'll even sleep! I'm such a rebel.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:49 AM
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I tried to sleep last night, but I was wired or something, and I just couldn't; I got to sleep about 8pm, only to have my roomie wake me up (for a good reason) but it was hard to accept that while I was tired and cranky, and I'd just gotten to sleep after hours of trying - luckily for us both, he shut off the light as I asked him to do, and we sorted things out fairly quickly, and I fell asleep again without the hassle I'd gone through earlier; I slept till 4:50pm. I guess I really needed that.

I've listened to the Garbage CD several times now and my 3 favorite tracks so far are "Run Baby Run", "Boys Wanna Fight", & "It's All Over But The Crying". I'm sure that will change as I listen to the cd more; I'm wacky like that.

Labyrinth of Evil, the Star Wars book I'm reading is like 'continuity porn'! It takes the Clone Wars comics, games, cartoons, novels, and combines all that info with the rest of the prequel novels, the 2 previous Episodes, and sets the stage for the 3rd & final prequel, while simultaniously, foreshadowing the original trilogy. It's amazing really, and a lot of fun for me to read. It's probably an ok book to read if you haven't read a Star Wars book before, and will help you understand the goings on in Episode III, but it's a much better experience if you've been following the Expanded Universe storylines.

I orginally started reading Star Wars novels after seeing The Phantom Menace. I didn't love the movie, but I wanted to like it more than I did. I didn't love Liam Neeson, and his character's death is supposed to be this big dramatic thing, but I didn't know that much about his character to really think of him as Qui-Gon Jin, I just saw Liam "die" which, made me giggle. But I wanted to feel something there, so I decided I'd read the then, fairly limited prequel books that led up to Episode I. I read the Jedi Apprentice series, a young adult series of novels (I love teenybopper books! lol); and that entire series was, for the most part available at the time, it was just a matter of finding them all; the series really helped me out, in that it was all about how Obi-Wan became Qui-Gon's apprentice - it also didn't hurt that in many of the books it felt like Qui-Gon & Obi-Wan were a couple. ;-0) This made me love Qui-Gon & when I eventually saw Episode I again, I cried when he died, and after that I even got over my odd Liam problem, and I like him now. lol I'm so weird.

Then I realized that I wanted to continue reading, so I continued with the prequel books, and after reading "Cloak of Deception", "Darth Maul: Saboteur", the "Darth Maul" graphic novel, & "Darth Maul: Shadow Hunter" which led directly into Episode I, I liked Episode I even more, because it was a perfect continuation of the novels, and I now understood all the political aspects of the film, that I didn't quite grasp before. I thought the novelization of Episode I was boring. The novelization of Episode II kicked ass. I own the novelization of Episode III, but I haven't decided if I'm going to read it before or after seeing Episode III in theaters.

I got the 2nd Volume of Teen Titans in the mail today; that give me the complete 1st Season. I'll enjoy them eventually, but I'm not excited by them at the moment.

I should probably eat something; maybe continue my book, or watch one of the movies I've bought recently, and not actually watched yet.

Even when my life is somewhat boring, it amuses me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:55 PM
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   Friday, April 15, 2005

I watched "8 Mile" for the first time a couple of hours ago. I took a nap, last night, around 11:30pm, woke up at 1am, and I watched the movie; not bad; it was good, but I probably would have liked it better if I'd seen it upon it's release, but the theaters were so crowded... Anyways, it's cool.

I don't understand gay catholics; I've met a couple of them, and they tell me they fuck and then confess it to their priest later on; they say they confess about jacking off too - does that mean they feel guilty for doing those things, and if they feel so guilty about it, why do they do it? Do they view their sexuality as some kind of addiction, and if so, what does that say about the partners they choose to be with? It doesn't seem very flattering. And it doesn't seem very healthy either.

I don't like it when I'm greeted with: "How are you doing?" or "What's going on?" or something like that. I never know how to respond, since most people don't seem to really care about the answer. A hello will do. A nod of the head, or a smile, but this question...it just annoys me beyond the telling of it. Every once in a while someone will ask you how you're doing, or if you're ok, and they'll mean it, and that's fine... but the others can go fuck themselves.

Speaking of fucking oneself; I love my toys. I love my cock. And I love jacking off. ;-0) Which is lucky for me, considering how long I've gone without a partner. And who knows how long it will be before I find another one to my liking, if ever.

I should probably get some more rest; I have to work today.

ooh. New Enterprise episode tonight ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:32 AM
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I can't sleep, again; this sucks. I read some more Labyrinth of Evil; more continuity goodness; I'm loving this book.

I just remembered something Mollie told me on the way to see Beauty & The Beast Tuesday night. She told me she saw an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation that she had never seen before. Mollie doesn't actually like Trek, though she loves DS9 because the writing is so much better than the average Trek. Anyways, she caught the 5th Season episode "The Outcast" which is really the only Next Gen episode to deal with sexual orientation; and I told her that the original airing of the episode had a profound effect on me; it is not a happy episode, and it aired on March 16, 1992. I know it aired that night, because 2 nights later I slashed my wrists and ended up in a hospital. Mollie had a different sort of problem with the episode; she said that the genderless aliens in the episode, the J'naii (who were actually played by women) reminded her of Kevin Clark, and she had to turn it off. She said that they all sounded, and looked a bit like him, and that the episode was making her sad and she couldn't figure out why, and that it just hit her and she just had to shut it off. It's a great episode really...but it's not fun; even without the KC reminders.

Why can't I sleep? Roar. My eyes hurt. I'm a little thirsty, maybe I should drink some water. hmmm.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:55 AM
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So I did manage to get some sleep, but it was...lacking. I woke up an hour before I needed to work; I replied to an e-mail from the boys at Hypnogaja, and I got ready for work. I had forgotten to take my Prilosec last night, until way late, so my acid reflux was kicking in big time, and I couldn't eat before work. I thought I'd be grumpy at work, what with the small amount of sleep, mixed with the no food, but besides a slight headache and 1 bitchy customer I had a lot of fun...for the short time I was there. We were dead; we had next to zero customers, and there weren't a lot of returns, so we kept sending people home early, until it was my turn; I hardly work lately as it is, so I should have stayed, but I was so bored, and I was getting a headach from the lack of sleep/food thing, so I said I'd go, and now I'm home, about to eat & take some pain killer. blah.

I work more hours next week than I have in a while and I still don't work that much. I don't mind not working; I've enjoyed my time off, but I like my job, so it sucks not working there - and though I make next to zero cash, it wouldn't hurt to have a little more spending money, what with my recent splurges. I might hang out with Bryan & Robert later...a new Enterprise is on tonight; 4 weeks and the show will be over. It's possible I could go to Necto tonight as well, but the "music" on gay night just sucks so bad, that I'd probably get a better workout at home, which is too bad, because I always see lots of people that I know on Fridays.

Anyways...my head is killing me, so I'm going to remove myself from the computer.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:20 PM
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I chatted with Bob today on AIM; it was all kinds of fun. He's from Grand Haven, which sounds like a sucky place to live. He's cute. I thought his friend Patrick was his boyfriend when I first saw them together, and he told me today that Pat is is his ex-bf and that they are just friends now; I still have 'it'. ;-0) He's funny, and I enjoyed chatting with him.

After I picked Mark up from work we went to Video Hut to return my rentals; then stopped by Staples to see if Mollie or Jennifer were working; Mollie was off, but Jennifer chatted us up for a while. Then we stopped by Hollywood so I could say hello to DJ which was nice, but the big surprise (for me) was that Heidi was there; there was much hugging and smiling ;-0)

Mark & I headed home to watch Enterprise, but I suddenly felt very tired and I slept for about a half an hour, and so missed the show; we'll download it later, and maybe watch it tomorrow; I have tomorrow off. He's going to go see Sin City, which I meant to see with him, but I've come to realize that I really hate going to the theater on weekends; it's so crowded.

Mollie called and invited me over, so I'm gonna get dressed and head over there to play "Scene It" with her, Adam & Karen; possibly Kenny. I'm craving a caffiene free Pepsi. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:56 PM
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   Saturday, April 16, 2005

I went to Mollie's; played 'Scene It' with Adam, Mollie, Kenny, & Karen; had lots of fun; ate a lot of junk food, without thinking about it, and laughed more than I have in ages. Somehow Shawn Forman got brought up, by me or Mollie (I can't remember which) and we ran with it, and I ended up calling him at home, and he actually answered, which I thought was a good thing, but he was apparently having sex with his boyfriend Jonathan, which sort of killed the fun, for awhile at least. Why, of WHY did he have to answer the phone??? Erg.

Shawn told me to call him back tomrorrow (today?) around 1:30pm, and he would be awake and stuff, but I'm not sure I'll be awake so we'll see. He also said that he has Wednesday off, and I do too, so maybe I can visit them that day? We'll see.

I'm home now. Got an e-mail from Carrie about Enterprise (she liked it), but that was the only important e-mail I got. :-0( I guess I'm off to bed...or something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:29 AM
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Oh - another thing. I've been trying to get on AIM, but when I do, it says: "Your buddy list and buddy icon are not available currently, but they have not been lost. Please try again later."

What the fuck?

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:31 AM
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   Sunday, April 17, 2005

Warning: this post is long & rambly, but I really needed it, so chill, or move on. lol

So I woke up around 2:30pm, and called Shawn right off, but he didn't answer. I felt weird after Friday night's phone call; it was actualy Saturday morning; I think I called him at about 3:30am or so. Now, Shawn & I dated briefly, and I loved him a great deal, and was hung up on him in the worst way for several years, and when that threatened our friendship I took a year off, and worked on a project to pour all my feelings into, and seperate my feelings for the Shawn I first met, and the man he's become; and astonishingly, it actually worked. I'm not attracted to him anymore; I still think he's an amazing guy, and I want to know him, and revel in his wackyness, but I don't want to date him, or even fuck him. He makes me laugh, and I cherish his friendship...what there is of it. I've seen him in person twice since I realized that things were ok on my end, and while it was nice, it was also under tragic circumstances, that basically required us to be in the same place; it wasn't like we met up on purpose - but it was good, I think. I was a bit freaked out by it, but only because I wasn't freaked out more - if that makes any sense?

So I've called him several dozen times since then; he's fairly phobic of telephone conversations, so we've only spoken a few times, and I think the only time he has called me, was a drunken conversation on New Years. I think of him at least once a week, and wonder how he is. I sometimes dream about him, but even in dreams he's not a lover figure; and in fact his boyfriend is usually along for the ride, which I think is pretty healthy. I've e-mailed him now & again, and I've commented once or twice on his blog; he's very political, and I'm glad he has the blog to express some of this; it's actually pretty cool, if not exactly my shade of expression.

My point is, that when it turned out that he was up to something with Jonathan while we were on the phone, it bothered me. And at first I thought that maybe it was a sign that I still had feelings after all, but that wasn't it; not exactly. I felt...kind of...humiliated. Here I was jabbering on, proably in a fairly annoying manner, but still (lol); I was laughing, and talking to Shawn & my friends, and everything seemed good; I even told Shawn to tell Jonthan hello, which he did. But things...weren't as they seemed...exactly...and when it became clear to me how things were...it was a whole world of un-fun.

"When the world isn't the same as our minds believe, then we are in the nightmare. And nothing is worse than a nightmare, except one you can't wake up from."

- that was a wacky quote from the past. If anyone knows where it's from they get a gold star.

About Jonathan; I met him in September, and I can't tell you what a relief it was to meet this boy. I had only recently learned that Shawn even had a boyfriend, and I had no idea what to expect, and when I did finally meet him, he was adorable, and funny, and he talked to me directly, and I really wanted to get to know him. From this single encounter, I would say that he's amazing. I think I may have freaked him out a bit; I'm not sure - but Shawn said something about me freaking him out when he called me on New Years, and I've been practically aching to let him know that I...like him. I don't even know why that is; I just want him to know that I'm glad Shawn has him, and I'm not after Shawn, and Shawn & I are friends, and I would like to be friends with him too. I don't want him to feel threatened by me, and I'd like it if we could get along. I mean, Shawn likes him, so he kind of has to be cool, right? Sure, there was that Lynn Fluke, but he's over that (THANK JOSS). If Jonathan's reading this, then: "Hey, I'd love to talk with you sometime; in person, with maybe food & stuff." I want to know all about him actually. Does that sound crazy? Because Shawn & I have this wacky bond, where we are both a little over the edge? It's a nice balance I think, where one of us is suddenly stable (for the moment) and the other is allowed to topple. lol It's refreshing, actually.

Wow. I can't believe I'm typing this all out; it feels great. I'm gonna have to send Shawn here, because I obviously needed to vent this stuff, which would have been vented a long while ago, if only we'd been hanging out. hmmm. Still, things have a way of working themselves out.

So about that phone call. I'm jabbering on, and Shawn says hello to J for me, and then his voice gets all weird, and I know something is...out of sync, and he starts breathing funny, and I think - hey - I know that sound...where do I know that sound? Hmmmm. Let me think. Shawn says that I should call him back about 1:30pm on Saturday and that he'll be awake then and that will be a better time. Understand that he does not give all that info in one sentence - it's broken up with the weirdness...and it suddenly hits me when I've heard him talk like that... And I ask him if they are having sex, and he says not exactly - or something to that effect and he's still all breathy - and then I ask if J's going down on him, because the imagery is killing me. lol And my stomach is all twisted up, because I've suddenly become this prisoner...this tortured 3rd party; I've just walked in this...thing, that I never wanted to see. lol And I said goodbye, and tried to laugh with my friends, who maybe sensed that I was pretending, but they eventually did lift my spirits, and true, real laughter followed, ghosted only now & again by the freaky phone sex thing.

Now. Here's what I think. I think that I'm over Shawn. I think we are going to be friends, and that I'm very happy about that. I think Jonathan is a sweety, and I would love to be his friend as well; of course it's possible that he hates my guts; Shawn's friend Maria & I had our problems, but last time I saw her we actually got along quite well.

If Shawn called me up and said, as a friend, that he needed advice about something, sexually in his relationship, I think I could handle that sitch with flying colors; I really do - because we've been there, and we're apart now - but on equal footing or something... And if S&J were being affectionate in front of me (holding hands, kissing, hugging) that would fine; that would even make me smile. And in all honesty, I think Johnny-boy is kind of hot, though when I voiced this to Mark once, he said that I only think he's hot because he looks like Sean Mobley (another Sean I dated). Which I, for the record, don't agree with.

But I don't think I could handle hearing, or seeing Shawn with Jonathan or anybody else sexually - does that make sense? It's just...it's creepy. And I know that he didn't call me, I called him. And I know he answered the phone, because I was calling at 3:30am and he thought maybe it was an emergency, and that's fine. But I'm kind of pissed, actually, that once he knew it wasn't an emergency...he didn't just say, that now wasn't a good time, and that he had to go, and that he'd call me later. I mean - I think he was trying to do that, but NOT VERY WELL. I felt dirty. And having to find out what I did, the way that I did, seems tacky, and insensitive. Seriously. And shortly after the freaky phonecall, and the fakey laughter, I vomited, and I hadn't been drinking. I was really... It was not a pleasent sensation. lol Is that...crazy, or stupid or whatever? Am I screwed-up, or fucked up, or does this make some kind of sense?

I just think it could have been handled better. But perhaps I'm just selfish or a big loser or something, and it shouldn't have effected me at all. But it really did. So that's the whole tale, as I know it.

But I don't want that one slipup to ruin everything. I don't want them to feel weird around me; I don't want to feel weird around them. I want them to be happy, and me to be happy, and for us, to sometimes be happy together. lol And I would definitely love for Jonathan to get to know Mark & Mollie, in the way that Shawn has, because - they are so much fun! lol

I've been friends with just about everyone I've ever dated, and I've been good friends with a lot of the people that they have dated, because those people & I have something in common, and not only that, the people I cared enough to date, they like these people so I usually trust that these people are worth knowing...and that has been a cherished part of my life; this cycle of friendship and experience. And I don't want that to change - and Shawn, who had a profound effect on me - it would suck if he was the one that it didn't work with, you know? That would be tragic, to me.

So I'm laying myself bare here, as it were, to prevent that from happening, and hopefully even to encourage the friendship process...to flourish. lol. That sounds so fucking cheesy. lol

So...for future reference, I like Jonathan, and I love Shawn - in a friend way. I would very much like to get to know Jonathan, and continue to know Shawn, both apart, and as a couple. And if I call in the middle of the night, and you answer because you're worried that it's an emergency (which is really sweet by the way), and it's not an emergency, but me being really...me, & you guys are screwing or whatever, could you please just stop, for a moment, and let me know it's not a good time, that it was nice of me to call, but tomorrow, or the next day would be better, and we can talk then. And then you guys can fuck like minx (or rabbits, or whatever) AFTER you hang up. Please.

Thank You. ;-0)

So...after not getting in touch with Shawn, I noticed Mark was gone; he had kept to his word, and was at a matinee showing of Sin City. I chatted with Bob online, which was awesome. I don't know this boy, but I want to, and that's something that hasn't happened to me, in at least a year. He might be moving home to Grand Haven in 2 weeks, though... Which sucks, but maybe we'll be friends or something. Who knows? Stranger things have definitely happened. I wonder what his full name is? I'll have to ask him.

Mark & I watched Friday night's Enterprise later. "Bound" was ok. The Orion Slave Girls were back in Trekdom, and the Trip/T'Pol story, which I thankfully enjoy, was in full swing. Only 5 more episodes to go.

My AIM is finally working again. Thank you. I work at the store today, 7pm-close. I believe I work with Heidi, Scott & Ben; it should be fun. I want to find some time to spend with Bryan, Chris & Robert (perhaps Di as well) ;-0) Mollie is going to start watching the L Word with me & Mark, since she loved the first season. I'm about half way through my Star Wars book, but I didn't read much of it today, because I'm trying to make it last.

I just put my towels in the dryer. ;-0)

I work on Monday, but I'm planning on going to Necto that night; I'm really enjoying the vibe there lately; the music is good, and despite faint amounts of drama, I've been having a good time. It's a mostly cool crowd of people, and I've been enjoying the dancing more than I have in years. I think it's better than either City Club, Uptown Downtown, or Skybar right now. And it's only a few blocks from where I live.

I have Tuesday - Thursday off. I'm not sure what I'll be doing those days. And I think I've finally run out of things to say this morning. Oh - only I haven't.

So, Mark's twin brother Marcus, & Marcus's wife Julie just had a baby. They named the baby Nick after Mark's grandfather. Mark's mother called to tell the grandfather about this only to learn from her sister (who is apparently an evil bitch) that their father is in a coma, and isn't expected to wake, which means he may never learn that he has a great-grandson, named in his honor. On top of that, the bitch sister wouldn't tell Mark's mom what hospital he's staying in, and Mark had to track him down, and now Mark's mom is going to drive out there, so she can take her dog with her, despite the fact that she'll have a hard time finding a hotel that allows pets, and that her father may die in the 3 days time it takes her to drive out to find him, and also inspite of the fact that she'll have to leave her dog in the car, while she goes into the hospital to see her father, probably killing the dog in the process - I believe her destination is Arizona, but it might also be New Mexico.

Now, Mark's mother, once assaulted me, days before my high school graduation (I had bruises all over me), and that was just before she came at me with a knife. The woman is not sane. If Mark hadn't been there, either she or I would most likely be dead. And while she apologised for the incident (years later) I don't trust her, and I don't lover her per say. That said, I feel terrible that she's having to go through this, and I feel terrible for Mark, and Marcus, and Julie. The whole thing just sucks. I even wish I could see her bitch sister, so I could tell her she's a bitch, but that's just me being confrontational.

Mark & his mother were planning on visiting Marcus & Julie this coming Saturday, which is also Mark & Marcus's 34th birthday. If their Mother really does drive out to see her father (both the twins offered to fly out with her) then Mark would be going out there alone, and so I might be going as well, even though I HATE long car rides; it's 8 hours I think. I would love to see M & J though, and their new baby; I'd even like to see Hannah; their dog, as I'm slowly getting over my lack of love for pets (which sprang from my disturbing farmhouse upbringing). If I ever own a pet, I think it will be a dog. Or a raccoon. ;-0)

Ok. I need to sleep. Or something - I need to get away from the fricking computer at the very least. That's all for now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:42 AM
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   Monday, April 18, 2005

A long, mostly terrible day, and I'm getting ready to go dance myself into oblivion at Factory Night at Necto. Mark just shocked me with the news that he'd like to come with me next Monday night; he never goes anywhere like that anymore; it's actually been YEARS since he's been to Necto or City Club. I actually met him at Necto (then Nectarine) in December 1995. Wacky.

Alright, I so need to dance. And then perhaps sleep will finally catch up with me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:40 PM
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   Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Necto was fun, but not fantastic. There was a really whiny bitch outside, lamenting how goth night used to be cool back in the day - only we were the same age, and I think I remember it a lot better than she does, because Monday nights are, for the most part, outshining the "good old days". Why was she even staying if she was that unhappy? I wished her boytoy goodluck; he kept winking at me, which must have pissed her off, because she went on a tirade against gay guys. I was going to tell her off, but she was so pathetic, I just went back to the dancefloor.

Bob never arrived, which, you know, wasn't a plan or anything, so I wasn't broken by it, lol; but in the back of my head I was hoping he'd show. I danced with Vince a lot, and I talked with Scott & his boyfriend Travis. Becky gave me free drinks, and I saw Sandor, Chris, and a few other people, but for the most part I was rather subdued. I left at about a quarter to 2, and I hit the Aut Bar where I chatted with Matt, Patrick, Robert, Ryan, and Mike (whom I met on gay.com last week); he said he loved my webpage, but he was with Adam, who I think was getting jealous that I was hugging Mike, and they went outside. Matt was going to come hang out with me, so I waited for him, but he came over and said that someone had asked him over...and then left. Matt's had a rough time of it lately, but that's no reason to dump me; we've been talking about hanging out for nearly a year. Whatever.

So I came home, read my e-mail. I have a ton of eyeliner on that I need to go melt off my face...lol And maybe I can get some sleep; who knows? Oh - Mark got the new JLU for me, which won't air in the states for another month, so I'll probably watch that before I sleep. I might try to work the next few days, though Mollie & I might hang out on Thursday. I haven't heard from Shawn, so I doubt we'll be hanging out on Wednesday. blah.

And if Soloman & Janella are reading this, I hope they're enjoying Buffy/Angel, and it was great to see them on Sunday. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:41 AM
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I have a headache, and I feel kind of guilty. I spent some money today on some movies, that maybe I didn't have to spend. Well, that's not actually true; I do have the money, but I often feel guilty when I spend money; I don't know why. Sometimes, it passes very quickly, and other times, it doesn't. Anyways, it's done now. I don't think I really NEED (lol) to buy anything for awhile. The 3rd Batman Animated boxed set comes out a little over a month from now, and Enterprise, Season 1 comes out the 3rd, but I can hold off on that one. I should be getting my 1st Quarter kick back from Amazon next month; maybe that will cover those anyways.

I'm bored.

It looks like I won't be visiting Marcus & Julie this weekend after all. Mark's Grandfather is awake (yay!), and he got to talk to Mark's mom on the phone, and he now knows that he has a great-grandson named after him... which means that M's Mom will be going with him this weekend, while I will be staying home. blah. I was looking forward to going, though I won't be sorry I missed the car ride out there & back. I hate long drives.

And I haven't heard from Shawn, so I guess I probably won't be seeing him tomorrow.

I got a message from my Grandmother, letting me know that my dad is finally able to walk; he jumped off of a parking structure quite a long while ago, and has been in the hospital ever since; I guess I should wash some of his clothes, and get those out to him; maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

Well..I need pain killer.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:27 PM
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   Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Mark & I watched last week's ALIAS, which had a lot of great stuff in it, though the series continues to be plagued by twists that have revealed a terribly large plot hole, that no one but myself seems to have noticed; I thought the writers were trying to fix it this season, but if the most recent episode is to be believed, then it's all for nothing... I hate it when a show with such an intricate plot, unravels.

I watched Bad Education [La Mala educacion] less than a half hour ago, and I thought it was stunning; a masterwork; with so much more depth, and complexity than I had envisioned. I love the feeling you get after seeing a great movie; it's all too rare these days.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:52 AM
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My throat kind of hurts. I fell asleep around 8:30am & slept until 2pm; but I got back to sleep, and slept til 4pm. I had more than one dream, but I believe my older sister, Janice, was in them. I probably could have written them out, if I'd written this just after waking, but oh well.

I'm in the process of rewatching the Justice League from start to finish (not that it's finished), for my character guide; I have 6 Static Shock episodes after that and then the 3rd boxed set of Batman to work through, where the real work begins - sorting out an order & timeline for the first Batman series. It's a fun project.

I wish I had more to write. Mollie wasn't feeling so hot last night, and had doctor's appointment today; I hope she's alright. New Alias on tonight; maybe I'll actually watch it as it airs this week. Mollie & are are supposed to go on a kind of scavenger hunt on Thursday; what kind of hunt it is, I'll refrain from saying ;-0)

Mollie also wants to visit Kevin's grave; & I know that Mark does as well, so we may go next week; perhaps we'll see Jonathan & Shawn as well?

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:20 PM
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   Thursday, April 21, 2005

I'll probably go see my dad later today; he needs some of his clothes, and I've put off seeing him long enough. It's not that I really mind seeing him, it's just...I'm not used to seeing him on a regular basis, and it takes a lot of effort for me to include people into my life. And...it's not like he's my dad. I mean, officially he is my father, but when your father is crazy...well, it's like he's this wacky guy who I'm strangely connected to, and I want him to have a happy life, but... I don't know. The father/son thing is complicated by the fact that he's only half there; actually - most of the time; he's like a quarter there. And the rest of him is quoting random things, mixing it with religion and spinning it around for the world to see. I wonder, if when he jumped it was a moment of clarity? I wonder if in that moment his sanity had visited him, and he saw all the things that he had done, and exactly what his life is like? I would love to see my father sane, and clean, and happy; or not, but at least well rounded, you know? My father is crazy, and he's kind of homeless; he's like a step up from homeless, but you wouldn't know it to see him, and it's like he's the ghost of the father I knew as a child (and even then, he was teetering on the brink). I miss my dad; and this guy is just a stand in, who smiles at me, and sometimes, through all the shit, we have a moment, just a moment of connectedness, and that's why I still see him. But when those moments pass, and he's back in his little world, it's devastating.

I dreamt that Mollie was in the hospital, and I went to visit her, and Kevin Clark was in the next bed, and there was another person staying in the room with them, but it was curtained off... I was sitting in a chair at the foot of their beds, kind of centered, and they (Kevin & Mollie) looked at me sadly, and I asked why they were looking at me like that, and Mollie pointed to the curtain, and when I pulled it back, Shawn was in the third bed, and Jonathan was holding his hand and crying, and I fell backward on the floor, and woke up - sweaty & dazed.

It's really warm in my room; it's cold outside and the neighbors must have their heat on. I'll turn on the A.C. and battle it out with them. I should eat something; take some vitamins; my throat still hurts, and I don't want to get too sick, if that's what's happening. My acid reflux might be to blame though, which I find oddly preferable.

I returned Mark's rental to Hollywood Video around 11:30pm last night; Bryan & Zach were working. I wish I worked with them more often. I would really like to get to know Zach; he seems like a fun guy to know, if a bit...not nervous, but, guarded maybe; I don't think he's hiding anything; it's just his mannerisms - like if he breaks out, something might shatter. It's probably nothing, but it would be nice to hang out with him sometime; maybe with Heidi? hmmm. Oh - I met Heidi's 'D" the other night, and he is so yummy ;-0) He seems cool. I wish I was working more hours right about now, though I have been enjoying my days off.

I rented "Blade III" & "A Series of Unfortunate Events". I watched Blade III, which was...well, it mostly sucked. I thought that Ryan Reynolds was hot, and I liked when he rearranged his clothes to show his vampire glyph; that was nice. lol I'd heard that Parker Posey was horrible in it, but there were a few scenes with her that I actually liked. I thought that Jessica Biel was hotter in Texas Chainsaw Massacre (she actually gave me a woodie in that movie), but her character was fun. I thought most of the cgi stuff looked like cgi stuff, but that just means it really IS a BLADE movie. I don't know if I'll get to the other movie today; might have to re-rent it; they aren't really out yet, but since I work at Hollywood, I can rent them a night at a time.

I want to hang out with Solomon & Janella again. I like that they read my blog, and that they get excited about random stuff, that I get excited about. We're all excited about each other. lol. And we're all so damned adorable. They make me smile, which is something that I cherish; and it's a quality shared by each of my best friends, which is a very good sign. And I want to talk with them more; hanging out with them the one time, I felt like I was trying talk about everything at once, and that I didn't get to say half as much as I really wanted to. lol But it was fun.

The first time I saw Solomon, that I can remember, I thought he was hot. I mean, I still do, but, the xxx rated thoughts that I had when I first saw him, aren't present anymore, because I know him in larger context now, and those images were replaced within the context of our friendship; does that make sense? And the first time I spoke to Solomon I liked his laughter & sense of humor, and his...Leftism. lol And when I met Janella, instead of being disappointed or jealous, I was enraptured by them as a couple; these guys are so perfect for each other that my petty little momentary lust was completely transformed into friendly banter, and the rest is history. I really like them alot, and I hope we will grow to be great friends.

That was something I've wanted to type in here, for awhile, but held back on because I didn't want to offend them, or bother them, or make them feel weird, but I don't feel weird about it, so I doubt they will either; they'll probably be flattered. Even if they aren't, this is my fucking blog. lol Alright. Now that I'm a bit jazzed up, and a bit nervous about the response to this, I'm gonna get some food, pop some vitamins, and wash some more of my wacky father's clothes.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:17 AM
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So, I'm pretty sure I have a cold now; again; damn it. I'm super warm, and I coughed this morning and my throat hurt so bad I almost cried. I knew it was going around; my manager was sick on Friday (which didn't prevent him from grabbing my arm and dragging me over to the game section, to tell me a secret); I probably didn't get it from him; I don't think it would take this long to...take. But if he's ill, I'm sure there are tons of other people with it. I hope this passes quickly.

This means I have to cancel my plans with Mollie; if anyone is sick around Mollie, she usually gets sick too, and she was already not feeling the greatest the other day. This sucks. I probably wouldn't have that much fun driving us around anyways, I guess. I mean, this cough is really painful. Is it ironic that I've gotten this sick, the day before I return to work? And I called in on Monday, because my acid reflux was really bad, and I was working a really short shift, that wasn't worth all the trouble I would have to go through. Grr.

I'm way tired. I'm gonna try to get some more sleep. Maybe Mark can pick up some cough medicine on his way home from work.

I'm not happy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:47 PM
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I went to the downtown Borders last night, and picked up the latest issue of BLUE, a male erotic photography magazine, imported from Australia, that I've been collecting for several years now. When I just went to lay down, I picked it up and read an article I started reading yesterday; it was called "Delightful, De-Lovely, De-Gayed". The article was about Hollywood and how it hasn't seriously dealt with gay sexuality on screen; there are high hopes for "Brokeback Mountain" to correct this, but recent movies such as "Troy" & "A Beautiful Mind", (the former based on the very Queer, Homer's "The Iliad", and the latter based on a biogray of John Nash that made no effort to hide the subject's apparent bisexuality) were both trimmed of their gay content. I already knew about this actually, and I've boycotted both films as a result, and anytime people ask my opinion on them at Hollywood Video, I tell them that I haven't seen them, and why. These incidents, have really touched a nerve with me. It's one thing to not have gay characters in a piece; it's quite another to have them, and then completely deny their existance on the screen. Even the horrific "Alexander", didn't feature any homo-love - not really. He kissed two different boys - but the love of his life, even though it was referenced, was not...demonstrated - though he had a sex scene with a woman. It pisses me off.

Of course this type of editing isn't new. One need only view "The Celluloid Closet"; a fantastic documentary about GLBT roles in film, to know that this has been going on since the beginning of film history. I've owned a book for years, called "Images in the Dark: An Encyclopedia of Gay & Lesbian Film & Video", which was also very enlightening. One flick that I had seen, called "Midnight Express", which I had thought was such a positive movie, actually wasn't. In the film, based on a true story of a man named Billy Hayes who spent years in a Turkish prison for trying to smuggle some pot home to the States. During his incarceration he has one very good friend named Erich, who (in a very well filmed scene) makes a pass at Billy (who has a girlfriend back home). Billy allows himself to be kissed, but turns Erich down; but in such a way that it allows their friendship to continue, and does not judge Erich for his feelings. When I saw the movie, I thought it was so beautiful. But in real life the two men were lovers during their prison stay - which kind of kills the beauty of the scene, you know? The real Billy Hayes felt that it would have been better to not have the rejection of Erich in the film; just have Erich make the pass at Billy in the film, and then go to the next scene; which would allow the audience to draw its' own conclusions, but the director disagreed.

There are a million other stories like this, and they really bother me. It feels so dishonest. It feels so irresponsible. It feels so hurtful, to take a piece of life, or fiction, which features a possible gay role model, and then transform it into film; but only if all truly gay material is removed from the script. These movies aren't just denying us characters; they are rewriting the ones that already exist; a dangerous & insulting sentiment, in my opinion.

I think this is why I've been organizing (and collecting) my movies for a GLBT Inclusive shelf in my room lately. I just feel like, even with all the strides we've made in this arena (there are obviously many, many more Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgendered characters in film than in any previous time), we haven't really been accepted. I was shopping on Amazon a few weeks ago, and there was a random review from a customer, who was annoyed that the movie she bought ("Shelter Island") featured a lesbian love scene; she went on to say that she had no problem with gay people but that she didn't want to see them loving each other, and that such movies should have a seperate rating so that people would know about the gay content. And in this...Republican led era (not that all Republicans are assholes, but we are, as a country, being led by a Republican Asshole), I just feel the need for a more inclusive selection of films; if only in my own room.

It's not that I want ALL GAY, ALL THE TIME (& I've said this before), but in a time when so many people seem to want to deny my existance, and the existance of others like me, I want the movies I watch to recognize that gay people exist, even if it's not central to the plot; even if there's the smallest little reference - then it can find a home on my dvd shelf. Hundreds already have in the last year. I've been ordering movies like mad; I ordered 15 more the other day, and I bought two from Borders last night; I'm not kidding. I'm crazed. lol

And while I was writing this, Mark stopped in on his lunch; brought me a parcel from the mailbox, and "101 Reykjavik" & "After Stonewall" came to stay on my shelf. Any acknowledgment is good at this point, and that's all I have to say for the moment.

Now I'm sick, and pissed off. Great. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:45 PM
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   Friday, April 22, 2005

Just got done watching "After Stonewall"; what a fantastic historical account. It was just what I needed tonight; one of those affirmations, that I feel like sharing with everyone, except that I have this horrid cold and I don't really feel like going anywhere. lol

Ironically, after watching Blade III last night, and having problems with it, I later read that Wesley Snipes had problems with it too, and is sueing; I hope he wins.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:46 AM
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I finished watching "200 American", about 2 hours ago; I've owned this gay, ultra low budget Pretty Woman story for about a month. It wasn't bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad.

If you haven't noticed, I've been making a concious effort to watch more movies. It's actually like homework for my job, but it's fun. And, what with my new obsession for queer films, I actually have quite a few that I haven't gotten around to watching yet, so I'm working my way through them.

I finished the Episode III prequel book the other day, and I was kind of disappointed. The book was filled will all kinds of continuty porn through most of the book, and then the last few chapters clashed horribly with the last 4 episodes of Clone Wars - which really annoyed me, because I enjoyed Clone Wars, and much of the novel, actually referenced other episodes, and brought them into the story, so to have it all match up, and connect, and make sense, until the big finish, where I was constantly flinching, and twitching over the discongruity between the two takes on the Clone War's penultimate moments. There were similarities, but I almost wish they had been completely different, than sort of the same - ONLY NOT.

I have to work today. I hope it's fun. I hope I get enough sleep, and have a chance to eat, and take some cough medicine before I go, and that I don't have any bitchy customers...and that whomever I'm working with is in a good mood.

We'll see.

I talked to Mollie last night, and the doctor she went to see was a complete asshole. She's gonna be ok, but I wish I could have been there to bitch that guy out. grrr. No body should ever hurt Mollie. lol

Mark's birthday is tomorrow. What to do? I've asked him what he wanted; originally Mollie & I were going to shop for him yesterday, but then we were both ill. Mark gave me the most amazing surprise party last year, & it was so intricately planned - but I can't plan stuff - it always, ALWAYS falls apart... erg.

I'm going to bed.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:42 AM
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   Saturday, April 23, 2005

Yesterday, I finally fell asleep, while shaving. No lie. So not only are my sleep patterns (assuming I have any) completely screwed, but my cold is getting worse (I'm miserable). Work was actually good yesterday; I worked with Bryan, DJ, Bobby, Jeff & Dan. Bryan picked up his son Robert from school, and brought him back to the store; it was good to see him, and he insisted on a hug, even with the cold. Robert is almost 16, and I once took him to my parents' house, while dropping off my little sister after a movie or something, and my step-father thought that Robert was my boyfriend!?! lol He's straight, actually, and he's just very open minded, and he's great guy. I'm grateful to have friends like that in my life (of any age).

Watched Enterprise last night, which was great, but I didn't really enjoy because of my cold. People online are raving about it though, which doesn't make me bitter at all, except that it really does. lol

I wished Mark happy birthday today while he was showering, getting ready to leave with his Mom (who was already being a bitch; big surprise). Mark looked hot today. He should be back tonight.

I rented the 9th Season of Friends, which just came into the store on Friday (well, I rented 3 of 4 discs); and I've laughed during the episodes I've watched so far, but it hurts me. It's like masochistic entertainment. I'm trying to NOT watch anything, but I'm so bored. My stomack is all upset (like it ever isn't); my head is pounding, my body is achey, and the cough medicine will eventually help I think, but I'm so sick of taking cough medicine; it's gross, and it's...GROSS.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:44 AM
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I slept till about noon. The cold still sucks, and no matter how hard I try to get comfortable, it just isn't happening. I'm actually grateful, that I don't have to work much this week, and yet, it doesn't really matter what I'm doing; I'm going to be miserable anyways; at least this way I won't be infecting anyone. I can't taste anything, and that makes everything taste bad - if that makes any sense. The neighbors must be pumping up the heat, because it's sweltering in my room.

Some more queer themed flicks arrived today, along with my Entertainment Weekly, which has Batman on the cover, and also some stuff on Episode III; maybe I'll enjoy reading it later; I tried just now, but the pain in my neck (maybe I have a fever?) was killing it for me.

I got the new JLU, which I enjoyed quite a lot, actually. It was a Wonder Woman/Hawkgirl centric episode, and it actually featured The Flash...and he spoke! It also brought back the Annihilator suit from "Hawk & Dove" & "Task Force X"; Felix Faust & Hades from "Paradise Lost, Parts I & II", Hippolyta, Tala, multiple other Justice Leaguers (including Jason Blood, Dr. Fate, Dr. Light, Gypsy, Booster Gold, Zatanna, Martian Manhunter, blah blah blah), and it finally revealed that WW actually does know about her origins (as hinted in "Maid of Honor") - and it also revealed more about Diana's armor ;-0) Scenes from upcoming episodes that played during the closing credits revealed that The Parasite will be returning (yay!), along with Black Canary, Shazam, The Question, Huntress, Green Arrow, & Metamorpho ;-0) Nice.

Mark should be home around 10pm. I called him; and that's as much actual talking as I want to do today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:15 PM
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   Sunday, April 24, 2005

My acid reflux is in high gear, and has teamed up with my cold (which has grown even worse) to try to destroy me. I hope if they win, they do it quickly. I went in to work tonight, and they sent me home within an hour of my being there; I didn't even ask anyone, but they knew; my voice is all weird; my nose is stuffed up, I can't stop sneezing; and when I took my cough medicine, my stomack didn't like it, so it came back up.

blah.

My head hurts so bad I want to just lay down, but of course if I do that my stomack will rebel even more. It's a lose lose situation.

Maybe I'll watch some "Friends"; maybe I can be distracted for a little while at least. Even a few minutes would be nice.

And if Peter is reading this; thanks for the card.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:13 PM
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   Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I watched the last 3 quarters of "Friends - Season 9", Sunday Night; it helped a little, though it hurt to laugh. My cold is still bad; it's a sneezing, coughing, buckets of mucus kind of cold; which I haven't had in at least 5 years. With all that stuff going on, my stomack is constantly unhappy, which makes me resistant to ingesting food...or resistant to attempts to ingest food. The whole thing is just disgusting and un-fun. Blah.

So I've been catching up on the movies I've bought, but not watched; dvds from my Queer Inclusive shelf. I watched the DVD edition of "The Celluloid Closet" yesterday. I used to own the video, but the dvd is better. For one thing, I wore the video out, and I tend to not watch videos anymore, if I can help it. But the big difference is that there are tons of intricate extras, which make it seem almost like a sequel to the video release, even though most of it is just stuff that didn't make it onto the original video, and isn't new, per say. After I slept for a couple hours I watched "All The Rage" which I enjoyed parts of, but for the most part it was kind of dull.

I watched "Proteus" this morning. It's directed by John Greyson, who directed "Lilies" which is one of my favorite movies. I enjoyed this one as well, though the creative touches that I loved so much in Lilies, were less effective in this story, I think. It's still worth watching though, and I'm glad that I own it.

I slept for 4 hours; that's a long time with this (Pauses for SNEEZING - damn my watery eyes!) cold. I checked my messages, and there was one from Mollie, so I gave her a call & chatted with her for a bit, before I started sneezing again, and had to let her go.

I started reading Christopher Rice's latest novel yesterday: "Light Before Day". So far I like it a lot more than "The Snow Garden"; his 2nd novel. His first effort, "A Density of Souls" has been my favorite thus far. I saw Christopher Rice in person once, in 1995, at a book signing in Chicago for his mother's book: "Memnoch, The Devil". I recognized him from pictures in Anne's biography, though he'd been much younger in those photographs. He must have been about 16 or so then; I was 20, and I thought he was cute, though he seemed a little sad. I almost approached him, to ask him if he was alright, but I figured that people probably latch onto him all the time because of his mom, and I didn't want him to think that's what I was doing. Besides the fact that it was hard to approach someone who might notice that I had a hardon; lol. And before I could change my mind he went outside to a limo that was waiting. It's very rare that I don't act on a feeling, so I kind of regret not saying hello to him, but it might have been for the best; I might have freaked him out. lol But he's cute, and he's queer, and I'm enjoying his writing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:31 PM
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I just watched "Beaches"; I'm such a fag. I managed to not cough during the movie; which was nice. And when I cried at the end, just as I always do, it was the first time in days that my eyes were all watery, that this didn't annoy me.

How many more movies can I watch?

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:08 PM
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   Wednesday, April 27, 2005

After watching "Beaches" last night, Mark wanted me to watch something with him, and I said that maybe I would. I had been coughing a lot though, and I finally took a cough supressant, which made me drowsy, and I fell asleep. I woke up around Midnight, I think, and Mark was getting ready for bed. I'm not upset that I slept, because I'm sure I needed it, but I'm sad I didn't get to spend time with Mark.

A bit later I ate, with no problems this time, which was a nice surprise. I sound like a an elderly person, don't I? Well, if the slipper fits...

I chatted at gay.com last night, and I saw someone who I thought looked familiar, and told them so, in private chat. And he pointed out that he should, and that it was Anthony. Anthony whom I met, and hung out with circa 1994-1995, before we had a falling out. I've seen him over a dozen times over the years, and I always recodnize him in person, but the mixture of the small photograph of his face, and the meds combined to trick me into thinking it wasn't him. We chatted for about 5 minutes, and I pointed out that I hadn't heard this much from him in 10 years, and he said that he's shy in person, but that he enjoyed chatting with me, but that he was going to bed; but he'd like it if we chatted again...and we said goodnight.

An unexpected encounter to be sure. I had a crush on him when I first saw him all those years ago, but I got over it very quickly when I learned through those closest to him (who were fast becoming frineds of mine) that he didn't date that often, and that, despite being gay, didn't have a lot of male friends; he didn't get along with them, they said. And I knew that's not what I was looking for, so I just set him aside, I guess. But I never spoke of this to him, and we continued to encounter each other daily through our friendships with others.

I remember he was from Adrian, and that I lived in Adrian for a short time in Summer 1994; for 3 months I lived there, on Church Street, across from the Salvation Army; the red brick house (my roomie Roberta & I rented the upstairs). Adrian was hell in a lot of ways. Roberta, who was an out & out dyke (and I say that with the best of intentions); she had freedom rings tattooed across her chest, and I remember she had a gay brother who was dying of AIDS; their mother was a minister (I believe). Well, the two of us got along famously, and I joined her merry band of faeries [Jeff, Shane, Willie, Ben, and soon there was Monica - "Bert's" girlfriend]. I was actually replacing a girl (Tammy was it?), who had skipped out on Bert, so that Roberta would have a roomie for the last 3 months of her lease - so they appreciated my efforts, which made us bond fairly quickly; that and the ignorant populace at large, that would throw garbage at our house, set the police on us anytime there were men holding hands on our balcony, call us names & honk their horns when we walked to the store, and so on. It made me stand up for myself, which was good.

Oh, and our downstairs neighbors, who's names escape me, a het couple, and their baby - those people were crazy. They actually met, while one of them was being transferred from a mental hospital; the other one was the driver. I don't remember which one was the patient, but it could easily have been both of them. They were trying to write a book about serial killers, and they were both extremely white trash (more so than me), and didn't treat each other very well, and they loathed us. And I'll never forget the two occasions where I went toe to toe with the boyfriend/husband/whatever-he-was; I didn't back down once despite all the ignorant things he said; I just stood there, and rebuked it, and ripped him to shreds until he backed down. It was...liberating.

Tammy(?), the girl who had moved out of Bert's, and had set the stage for my arrival - she and I didn't get on very well, but then I ran into her at a party in the middle of nowhere (at my ex bf Shawn Foreman's then house), and we got along great. She worked at WalMart in Jonesville/Hillsdale last I saw her.

Anyways, back to Anthony, he ended up doing a series of nice things for me, in a short amount of time, and his friends came to me after each of these encounters and told me that this was amazing, because he didn't ever behave that way with men. I was so happy about that; that I was going to be his friend, and he was going to allow it. Now, understand that I did not want to pursue a relationship with him; that had passed, and I was happy at this point to just be his friend, which seemed to make sense to me, since we were friends with so many of the same people. I mentioned in passing to one of his friends, that I'd met recently, that I had actually had a crush on him when I met him, but that my feelings had changed over time, and that I was glad we were becoming friends. The Bitch, who I never spoke to again (unless you count the time after that where I called her multiple descriptive, some would say harshly fitting insults), repeated this to Anthony, who freaked out, and never treated me the same way again.

I remember the next time I saw him was at a birthday party for our friend Elvis, who was Anthony's roomie, and my ex-gf Jennifer's current girlfriend. I sensed something was wrong right away, as his behavior towards me was outragious. Jennifer took me outside, and walked with me while she told me what The Bitch had told Anthony, and how he had freaked out to them about it. I cried. She told me that she knew that my feelings had changed, and that she & Elvis had both talked to him, but he didn't get it. Elvis joined us, and gave me hug, and she told me that she had defended me, telling him that I had had a crush on him before, and now I was over it, but he had told her he didn't understand how I could like him, when he didn't like me that way at all. That hurt too, despite the fact that I already knew it, and despite the fact that my feelings had really changed; everyone wants to be wanted after all. Elvis pointed out that if he would reject a friend based on something so silly that it was his loss. The two friends encouraged me to stay, but Jennifer later spoke to me and suggested I go to City Club to hook up with the boy I'd been lusting after, and whom I had been turning down sleeping with, because I wanted a relationship. So I went, and I danced, and I had packed a bag for the night with Joe (that was name - and probably still is, lol), but he was already with someone that night; a girl, who when she confronted me later, was the first person I ever referred to in public, as nothing more, than a cunt-with-feet. Joe tried to hook up with me when he realized that I had come there looking for him; he said the girl had "given him a raincheck", which didn't stop me from crying, and in fact drew insults to him from people who weren't even involved in the situation. I remember my then-friend Darla (who had dated Joe previously), who was gripping my hand tightly while I wept, looking at him and telling him that his supposed entreaty was the tackiest thing he'd ever said. Darla took me outside, looked me in the eyes, while trying to wipe my tears away; I told her I'd be ok; she hugged me, and I headed home to my scary, insect ridden bedroom, at my mom & dad's house to cry about the boy I didn't like anymore, who cursed me for having liked him at all, and for the boy who made me feel dirty for liking him now. It was...a really, really bad time.

I think I've spoken maybe 6 sentences with Anthony since then. I tried to avoid him, which wasn't easy, since we shared so many friends and interests. He worked at the Cat's Meow, where I shopped all the time. Years later I needed a job, and decided I would apply at Middle-Earth, but when I went to the counter for an application, Anthony was there, and so I bought something small, and I left; annoyed that I couldn't work there now. I saw him in '99 at least once, when he came in to Meijer, where I was working (and thusly, couldn't escape him) and he was with a beautiful boy who I found extremely attractive, which made me jealous of Anthony right away, which I thought was interesting, because if I'd seen them together when I first met Anthony, I would have been jealous of the boy instead.

I later met the boy on his own, after they had broken up, though I didn't remember him at first. His name's Sandor, and I picked him up in a bar, because he was hot, and it was obvious that we wanted each other, and that this would almost certainly lead to sex. But while we ate, he talked about an ex-bf of his, and I soon realized that this was the boy who'd dated Anthony, and then I just...freaked out a bit. Years earlier, before Anthony learned of my initial crush on him, I had dated a guy named Dean Blackskull, who hit on Anthony, without my knowledge, but Anthony turned him down, and told me about it, saying that he would never do that to me; which was one of the nice things he did for me, which shocked our friends. And even though I found Sandor attractive, from the way he spoke about Anthony, they hadn't been parted for long, and I thought...that this was my chance to return the favor. And if they had a chance to get back together, then they would, and I would know that I had done that for him, and he would never have to know.

They didn't get back together. I ran into Sandor several times over the years, and we were always friendly, though I believe he had the impression that I didn't want him, since I didn't even kiss him goodnight before. The truth is I ached for him, everytime I saw him, but the..flavor of our night out stayed with me, and I just couldn't pursue him. That probably seems odd, and maybe it is, but it's the truth. I'd wanted Sandor from the moment I saw him with Anthony years before I met him again on his own. He recently, drunkenly told me that he still remembered the first night he saw me, and that it was the night I took him out; he said that he thought I was cute in leather, and that he was up for anything, but that when it didn't go anywhere, he moved on...which made everything worse again. I see him fairly regularly at Necto, and about a month ago, while dancing next to me he looked at me and said: "Aren't you glad you never went out with me?" because of the way he was dancing, and I looked him in the eye, and told him: "No.", and I walked away. Another time, he was talking about kissing me to piss someone off, and I said: "Like you would ever kiss me..." and he said: "Oh, I would.", which was nice to hear. I know I'm not his type, or at least the type that he's expressed is his type: he likes big hairy guys, even when they're assholes. But his positive responses, and the way he looked at me when I took him out years ago were starting to ge to me. A week later, he was drunkenly telling me about his current boyfriend, and then he started talking about Anthony, in far too much detail, which was killing me, because I was standing there with a hardon, looking him in the eye, and he wouldn't shut up about these other boys, including the one, for whom I had not hooked up with Sandor years before, out of some misguided loyalty? I grabbed him, and pressed him against the wall, and when he looked in my eyes they were clear, and he moved to kiss me, when I moved to kiss him, and it was amazing. A perfect kiss, that I'd waited YEARS for. I didn't care that he had a boyfriend, or that he'd dated Anthony; I deserved that kiss, and he deserved to know the truth; that I wanted him all those years ago, and still did, and yet that this kiss would somehow have to be enough for now. I told him that I had written about him years ago, and that I was sorry that I hadn't shared my writing with him, he gave me his e-mail, and I sent him the poetry. A week later he apologised for his lack of self control; reminding me that he had a boyfriend, and I reminded him of the poetry I sent him (which he has, for all I know, still not read), and there was still that Fire/Electricity between us that was there when we kissed, and he asked me to stop looking at him that way; he had a boyfriend, he laughed. And that was it. Our desires were acknowledged, and now it was his turn to be noble, and we get along now just as we did before, only we know, and that's ok.

Wow. That was a lot of info, that I've actually written about here before in one permutation or another. So...

After chatting with Anthony I watched "Head On", which I thought was fairly powerful, and hot, and brave. I've really been enjoying my movies lately, which is a good thing, as I've invested so much of my money into them lately. I ate some more during the movie, still with no troubles, and afterwards I took some more cough suppresant and went to sleep.

I woke up around 7:30am; which is really only about 2 & 1/2 hours after I went to sleep, but I dreamt/slept well. And then I wrote this. Mark is getting ready for work; I'm going to go say good morning, and let him know that I'm feeling the slightest bit better. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:52 AM
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Today I have continued to feel a lot better than I have the last few days. I still have a cold, but it doesn't seem as bad now, syptoms wise. I also got to see the trailer for Serenity today, which I'm really excited about. Firefly was so amazing, and this trailer just reminded me how much I miss those characters. September 30th can't come fast enough. I watched the first few episodes of Firefly today, while I rested.

I'm trying to get my greedy little paws on the first season of Drawn Together, which I will certainly purchase if it's ever released on dvd; I think it's the most disturbingly good animated series ever televised. Supposedly, there will be a 2nd Season; which I hope is true. I can see why a lot of people wouldn't watch it - it's so graphic, and so insulting, but I love it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:47 PM
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