Sunday, May 8, 2005

I did next to nothing yesterday. I cleaned my room. My computer was fucked up, and then the Kitchen sink was oddly, not draining, and the trash compactor was broken, and there's still not a lightbulb in the kitchen, which I had one for, but have since misplaced. blah. Each time I willed myself up to go to the grocery store Mark used the car instead, which shouldn't have stopped me; he even invited me to go with him, but I was hungry, and tired, and I knew I'd be bitchy, and I didn't want to fight with him the way I did Friday night.

Friday night I made time to watch Justice League Unlimited (3 episodes) & Enterprise (one of the final 3 episodes, which I enjoyed) with Mark; and also set aside time to see Jennifer & Tracy, who will soon be moving to Seattle. Mark & I were to meet them at the Tap Room in Ypsi, but while I was driving us there, at Mark's insistence, my phone rang, which was in my cumbersome jacket pocket; I was afraid if I didn't get the call, it would be a message from them telling us they were leaving, or that they never showed up, so I had Mark take the wheel while I dug for my phone, which I have done for Mark in the past. It's stupid behavior; I know, but we work with each other in such situations, or we have in the past.

We were merging onto 94, and Mark said "Shift" so I put my foot on the clutch to allow him to do so while I tried to hear what Jennifer was saying. Again, I know this was stupid of me; I should have been paying complete attention to driving, but I thought I was within the bounds of sanity, as we have done this sort of thing before, only it was Mark who was driving. Mark told me to get of the phone, and I said "Shut the fuck up". Even while I said this, I knew it was harsh, but I was trying to drive, and listen to Jennifer and Mark was distracting me even more, in a completely hypocritical way (even without me helping him drive, he talks on the phone in the car all the time); when I needed to shift again, and attempted to the gearshift wasn't where I expected it to be so I shifted into the wrong gear. When Mark had said shift, he meant for me to do it, not knowing that I had interpreted his word as a signal to step on the clutch - so now he's yelling at me for something that I thought he had done. When I got off the phone, I apologised for telling him to shut the fuck up. And we continued on.

Mark turned on the air conditioning. I don't like the air conditioning; it really bothers me, which he knows. I prefer to have the window down, but Mark is really anal about his hair, and worries that it will get messed up by the wind. The air conditioning was freezing, and was worse for me than usual because I was wearing vinyl pants, which made me as cold as the air pouring into the car. Now, I know that I was raised in a fairly backwards manner, but part of that upbringing included something that I think is fairly logical. When someone is driving a car, and you are a passenger in that car, the comfort of the driver should come before yours, because your life is in that person's hands, and any distraction could cost you both your lives. I shut of the air conditioning. It's true that I didn't ask to shut it off, but I knew that Mark knew that I hated it, and was also afraid that my agitation from our "conversation" moments before would cause me to say something hurtful. He turned it back on. I shut it off. He turned it back on.

Now at this point I'm really pissed off, because not only is he not worried about my feelings, he's basically saying that what he wants is more important than what I want; after all; my window is up for his benefit. I rolled down my window; to demonstrate that hey, I've been thinking of him this whole time; something that he hasn't done for me. What does he do then? He grabs my hat off of my head (I'm still driving, mind you), and attempts to throw it out the window, which I somehow prevented without losing control of the car.

Ok. So he's worried about my driving while talking on the phone, which is something that he does himself...but in his head it's ok to grab something that is planted on my head, and throw it passed me, out the window - an obvious physical and visual distraction, not to mention an emotional one that could have gotten us both killed. Yeah, that's ok. Sure.

At this point he tells me to turn around and take him home. Now, we're about 4 blocks from the bar where our friends are waiting to see us, for possibly the last time before the move across the country; they've been waiting for us for over an hour, and the call that I answered was them worried that I wasn't going to make it. It's possible that he was worried that his hair looked bad, but with the amount of product that this boy uses, there wasn't a single hair out of place, and I really didn't want this night to end at this point; I didn't want to not see Jennifer & company, and I didn't want for Mark to not see them. I said no. Then he told me to pull over and I could walk, which made me think that I'd gladly drop him off at home to prevent me from saying anything I'd regret, and to keep his behavior from ruining the night completely.

Now understand, I'm not mad at Mark now. I think we were both tired (it was about 4 hours after my current bedtime), and bitchy, and that we both made some really bad decisions. I'm not blameless here, and I don't claim to be. But at the time, I felt like I had made time for Mark (which I hadn't been doing a lot lately), and that this wasn't appreciated. He insisted that I drive the car, and then yelled at me for my driving while talking on the phone, which he does on a regular basis. He was just so hurtful... On the drive home, he turned the air back on, and when I asked him to turn it off he did not. Later, after getting gas (we were nearly out when we left home), and calling to tell the gang I'd be even later, Mark shut the air off and I said thank you, thinking that perhaps he had cooled down a bit (figuratively) and that we could talk, and perhaps salvage the night for both of us, but he replied that he didn't turn the air off for me. I told him I was still grateful that he had shut the air off. And through these bits of converstation I was trying to be polite, and trying to understand what had just happened, and to not be angry.

When we got home, I parked on the street, so I could leave faster; I had to walk him to the door of the condo, because he had not brought his keys with him. When I got out of the car, he told me that I didn't have to slam the car door. I didn't even propel the door closed; the way the car was parked it was on a slight hill; tilted to towards the passenger side; I just let go of the door and let it close, and I had no intetion of the door slamming, or of hurting Mark in any way; I was calm; I was a little worried about what was going to happen when I got home, but I was relieved at at this point that Mark & I would be apart and would not piss each other off, and I could still see the gang, and maybe go dancing later to get rid of all that negative energy. But his accusation, or assumption that I was slamming the door, pissed me off again. I told him I didn't slam the door; he mumbled something back, and I told him to fuck off under my breath while I walked to the car.

The rest of the night ran smoothly; I arrived, at my destination without driving like a crazy person; I made ever effort to drive the speed limit, and to breathe, and to not be upset; it worked. I had a blast with Jenn & Tracy, and their friends Andy, and ??? I forget the other one's name, but I had fun. I told them that Mark & I had fought, but I kept the details to a minimum, both out of respect for Mark, and for my own pleasure; I didn't want to dredge all that up; I just wanted to have fun. It was great seeing them, and it was emotional - with laughter and tears and conversation, and memories shared. Andy is a riot. We only stayed for about an hour I think; I had two drinks, which made my stomack a little bit upset; no one to blame for that but me. We made tentative plans for Necto Monday night, which I thought was great, because Mark had been talking about going with me sometime soon, and this would give him the opportunity to say his own farewell (for now) to Jenn & Tracy. We said goodnight, and drove our seperate ways.

I went to Necto, and actually danced the Friday night music, which I tend to hate. I just needed to dance myself ragged. I met lots of people, and chatted with others whom I've known for years. I met a boy named Patrick who I used to chat with on line about 5 years ago, which was interesting. I had a lot of fun, and I left shortly before closing time, headed home, peeled off my sweaty vinyl pants, and headed to Mark's room; exhausted. I told him about the night, while I cuddled up next to him, and when I left his room I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too, and we both seemed to know that our actions earlier were forgiven, and that we both knew that we made mistakes, and that we both regretted them.

Mark & I have our rough patches, but I like to think we will always be close.

We got along all day yesterday. He was working on his computer. I was...doing a bunch of nothing. I did download the new JLU, which was pretty good for a mostly standalone episode; it only featured Martian Manhunter briefly, with Stars & Starman making a cameo; it gave a voice and background info for Huntress, while further developing Green Arrow, Black Canary, and The Question. Only 6 more new episodes for the 4th Season (or 2nd season depending on if you view Justice League & Justice League Unlimited as one series; which I do), and each of them sound awesome!

I slept last night. I dreamt that we were back in Vegas, and I had someone wandered into an audition for a role on a new Joss Whedon series; the actors there were bitchy, and hooked me up with a script with only my lines, and not anyone elses, which made it nonsensical; when I eventually got to audition it turned out to be a woman's role, which amused the bitchy actors to no end; Joss was not amused and read with me, and I knocked the scene out of the park (I got to slap him), and he said I was almost surely hired, and that even though the part was written for a woman he would change it to fit me - though he said he'd keep the big kiss, which meant I got to kiss my hunky (if annoying) male costar. I was later interviewed by Jane Espenson, who wanted to know what I thought about the role, but my limited info on the part upset her, so she gave me a test (like an actual test you would take in school) and I passed with flying colors, which made her love me ;-0) There were other parts to the dream, but they all related to this auditioning process.

When I woke up, I checked my e-mail, jacked off, showered, sent some e-mail, and then wrote this. I haven't eaten in over 24 hours; I'm starving, and I'm going to get some food.

Enterprise (and Star Trek in general) will end (for the forseeable future) on Friday. I'm looking forward to the last two episodes though.

Oh - happy Mother's Day.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:35 AM
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So, I went to the grocery store and bought lots of food stuff. I chatted with Mark, he's cleaning a lof of our stuff up; moving a lot of it to storage, which is nice. He found a box of Star Trek tapes I bought years ago; I'm giving them to my nephews; except for Star Trek: First Contact & Insurrection, which I'm giving to Carrie tonight at work (she's gonna drop by).

Paul called me; looks like I'm his date to Michelle's wedding, and I'm going to see if I can get tickets to Episode III, for the following day. I talked to Carrie on the phone for awhile as well.

I tried calling my mom to wish her happy Mother's Day, but she was asleep; she sleeps almost all day on Sundays; always has. Jamie, my little sis answered the phone, and she asked me if I had shared some information that she had given me a few weeks back, with our older sister, and I told her that I had. But I didn't call our sister and say "Hey, you've got to hear this." - Our sister asked me point blank for the info, and I couldn't lie, and I couldn't dodge the question, without revealing the truth, so I told her, without going into detail. And there were a hundred other things Jamie told me, that were a lot worse, which I didn't bring up. But Jamie's pissed at me; and she said she was going to tell our sister that I smoke pot, which our sister already knows, and it's posted on my fricking website; hundreds of people know; Jamie's father, and my biological father both know. I'm an adult, no big deal. She's an adult, why is this a big deal? Ugh.

So while I was starting a load of laundry, and talking to Mark, he questioned something I said, about Janice asking me for the info that I had given her, and then I gave him more detail, but it bugged me that he didn't believe me right off. Then I accidentally knocked over our nearly gone jug of detergent (I bought a new one this morning), but when I picked it up I was relieved to see that none of it had spilled, and told him so; he then walked around so he could see - again - not trusting what I said. He asked me when I was going to clean the Boost up in the kitchen, which had spilled sometime ago, which I guess I never cleaned up, but I honestly had forgotten about it; it wasn't that I said I was going to do something, and then just decided not to. I mentioned that he had tried to grab my hat off in the car last night, and could have killed us; he said it was the only thing he could do to mess up my appearance, after I messed up his hair by putting the window down! 1stly, his hair didn't get messed up; 2ndly I think there's a big difference between the driver of a car putting his window down, and the passenger in a car yanking the driver's hat off and trying to throw it out the window, both annoying and shocking the driver, while simultaniously blocking his view. And to try to justify such an act is cowardly, and childish. I'm not saying I acted responsibly last night, because I didn't, but Mark seems to be saying that his bevavior in this instance was ok, and it wasn't. Mark said that I could have gotten us killed by rolling down my window??? How's that again?

He said he was glad that we were finally talking about this, and I told him that I wish we hadn't, because I felt that we had moved passed it, and that we both realized we'd made stupid mistakes last night, but now he seems to be saying that me rolling down my window is in some way just as bad as him ripping my hat off my head and throwing it out of the car! Not only is that not the same, for all of the reasons I've already named, but I love that hat, and he knows it; it just seems so petty. And he assumes that I rolled down my window JUST to mess up his hair, and that I didn't want the air conditioning on, JUST because he did want it on. When the truth is, I was cold, and wanted the air conditioning off, and I would have liked to have my window down, but I don't drive that way, unless Mark is wearing a hat - but this courtesy is not returned; he can't leave the air conditioning off for me, and in fact can't even accept me at my word when I say I want it off. He doesn't trust me. I don't trust him. He's lied to me more than a dozen times; and everytime, I've believed him. And each time I've learned the truth it has devastated me. I try to not let it bother me, because he has told me that he only lies to me, because he cares what I think, and wants me to think to best of him - which is twisted logic, but I can sort of understand what he's talking about, because...he's Mark, you know? But it hurts everytime. Which is why we don't date. We aren't really sexually compatable anyways, but the lies killed us. I couldn't believe him when he said anything anymore; I couldn't share his bed, and when I tried to I felt dirty.

I have really bad timing. Mark has really bad luck. I'm not great at taking care of myself, and I'm a little messy (nowhere near as messy as my parents), but I like to have a bit of clutter. Mark knew all of these things when we met. But I thought that Mark could trust me. I had an affair once, and I told him about it as soon as I saw him, and we seperated for awhile, because I felt that if I was going somewhere else, then I wanted to know why, and I wanted to be honest about it, and the idea of not being upfront with him, was even more painful than telling him the truth. That part of our time together really sucked.

And there have been other times that have really sucked. A lot. But there have also been times of great joy, comfort, intimacy, laughter, happiness, and love. I think that in the last year or so we have lost some of the fun. I don't know how exactly, or how to get it back. I think one obstacle is my health; I developed severe (SEVERE) Acid Reflux in 2001, and since then, there are many times, when I don't want to be touched, by anyone, and we used to be very affectionate, and now there are many times when I don't want to be - or I want to be, but feel that I can't be. We both have jobs now; though his job is more a priority, becasue he makes a lot more money than I do, and we share our funds; so it just makes sense, that if we're both scheduled, and one of us needs the car, that he get's the car. It's not that my job isn't important, or that I don't love it, because I do, but logistically it makes the most sense for us.

I would like us to get along more often. I really would. But so often when I feel I'm being playful, he thinks I'm trying to hurt him. And I think a lot of the time when I'm being hurt by him, he doesn't take it seriously. I believe that there's a lot of mis-communication at work here, and a lot of non-communication, which is what's really driving us crazy. I often say things I don't mean when I'm frustrated, and tired; it's been one of my most annoying flaws since I was very young; I know I get it from my mother because she's exactly the same. So many of the things that set Mark off, don't even register with me as being offensive. I don't mean to slam doors, and ever since I learned that Mark has a sensitive ear, and that slamming doors hurt him, I have tried very hard not to do it, even when I'm angry; even when doing so would make me feel better (because that's why people slam doors, isn't it? it's a form of release); and sometimes when I close the car door, Mark tells me not to slam it, but really don't think that I have. I'm going to have to get into the practice of closing the door SUPER Gently - just so I won't offend him. But I know that my closing doors is perfectly natural to everyone else around us, which I don't think Mark understands. It doesn't matter I guess. I should try to change my behavior here, and I have done so already to a point; it's just going to take some time.

Mark doesn't like me talking on the phone when I'm driving; I'll try not to do that in front of him; I'll have him answer my phone. Here's a strange thing; when Mark bought his cell phone, I was against even owning one, and people that talked on their phones in the car seemed stupid to me, and to get me to stop bitching about them, Mark bought me one, and as soon as you could say insidious bastard, I was hooked. And now he complains about it. Figures. But I will try to not talk on the phone in the car while Mark is a passenger.

I don't even like to drive with Mark in the car because he's so critical of everything that I do. But everyone once in a while I do drive him, because he likes to just ride in the car without driving; I do it for him. I did it for him Friday night; he said he would come with me if I drove.

While I was typing this - Mark came in: "Can we make up now?" he said. We talked about a lot of stuff that needed to be talked about, and we made some progress, which is nice. I'm hungry. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:32 PM
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   Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Ok, this is going to be a Buffy Rant; if you don't care abour Buffy or my views on the show, then skip this entry.

Solomon & Janella came to see me at work Sunday night, which was great. We talked about Buffy, which they will soon be finished with (though they will still have a season of Angel to watch). I asked what episode they were on, and the they told me they were on the episode that I had once referred to as the one in which I wanted the entire supporting cast to die (more on that in a second); and Solomon said that he was sick of Buffy at that point anyways, and Janella pointed out that they (like many cool people) watch the show for Willow anyways.

The episode we were all reffering to was the 7th Season epsidoe: "Empty Places", in which Xander, Willow, Giles, Faith, Anya (bitch), & the slayerettes vote to knock Buffy down a few notches, and then Dawn, Buffy's little sister who Buffy once died to save, kicks Buffy out of her own house, then defends her after she leaves from Rona who I can't stand. Dawn isn't even a real little girl; she's a ball of energy given human form, who Buffy believed in enough to sacrifice her own life, and she's thrown out of her house by this little wannabe human sister. bitch.

And the thing is, Buffy's better off without them. She didn't ask to be a leader, and she was never really meant to be one - they put her in that role - Giles, her once-upon-a-time mentor showed up in Sunnyhell unannounced, with some slayers in training, and told Buffy that she was their "only hope" to fight evil; without offering any suggestions - none. And in fact he was prone to saying things like "I have no idea how anyone could fight this thing - it's all up to you, Buffy." Which is unfair, and just a horrible thing to say to someone! Her former father figure doens't even touch her until several episodes after his return, he just vomits dire predictions, that end in: it's up to you Buffy. And when she does make decisions that he doesn't like, he doesn't stand by her, even though he placed her in charge - he instead goes behind her back and attempts to decieve her & to kill Spike, the one ally she has all season, who actually believes in her, because she believes in him.

The only other character to come through this betrayal without seeming traitorous, is ironically enough, Faith, who doesn't ask to be leader either, and who doesn't push for Buffy to be deposed, and who takes the mantle unwillingly, but as best as she can; she also tries to talk to Buffy, to explain that this isn't what she wanted. Faith has always been written well though, and it was great to see the character written so well, and to come full circle in the end.

Everyone else on the show disgusts me. I wish Giles, Dawn & Anya many bloody deaths; while just one would do for Willow & Xander. The slayers-in-waiting aren't even worth it. blah. lol

And as soon as Buffy is free from the position that she never asked for; the position that they all put her in, and then fired her from when they didn't like her new plan, she finishes that plan on her own, and we see that she was right all along. Some people think that's too conveniant, and it would have been better if she were allowed to be wrong, but it makes sense that she's right. Her plan is based on the experiences she's accumulated over the past 7 years as the Slayer. She's got the experience for that part of the job, and that is actually the job she's supposed to be doing. Faith's view of Buffy's plan is valid, but she lacks Buffy's experience; she doesn't have the same instincts as Buffy. Faith's views as she expresses them are the only ones that don't sound like they are meant to punish Buffy, and are in fact meant to protect her, and the entire group.

It pisses me off when audience members cheer at the thought of Buffy being deposed in this scene. Yes, Buffy sucks as a general up to this point, but it's not something she'd ever done before, or not to this extent, and it's something that she never asked to be; and yet she did the best that she could because those that she loved, and those that needed protection and turned to her for it, expected it of her. And no one thanked her for it. No one offered any suggestions, or help of any significant kind. Willow refused to face her demons, and became essentially, a liability. Dawn wallowed in self pity...until finally trying to fill in for the now, seemingly brainless Giles. Anya was a bitch, and Xander was Xander (rarely if ever a good thing). Faith & Spike (both former enemies of Buffy) become the only two people to support Buffy throughout the entire ordeal; and the only people that seem to notice that Buffy is making the best of a horribly wrong situation.

It all turns out ok, for the most part, and Buffy becomes the general they all imagined she could be, but only by doing things her own way; the way she's always done things. And it's probable that the only reason Buffy get's back into her old role is because of the betrayal & loyalty given her in that horrible scene & it's aftermath, so it's actually integral that it happened. It just had to suck to hear so many people who are alive because of the decisions you've made over the years, people you've saved by giving up your own life (twice), questioning your ability to make such decisions. I know it hurt me to hear them say it. And it angered me. And it made me feel. Which just means that the show continued to rock in it's final season.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:38 PM
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Jennifer & Tracy cancelled on me for Necto Monday night, but Mark, Heidi & I went, and I believe we had fun; I danced like a madman in a kilt, with fishnets, boots, a cop shirt, and lots of eyeliner. Heidi is a lot of fun ;-0) There were surprisingly few people that I knew there, but it was still good fun.

Last night Mark & I watched the first 2 episodes Queer As Folk's 4th Season. I've never been a huge fan of the show, though Mark really loves it. I enjoyed those episodes though, and look forward to seeing where the 4th Season ends up; the 5th & final season has already been filmed; I wonder if that means it will be on DVD any sooner?

Paul & I are attending Michelle's wedding, Friday, May 20 (I just called and got the day off - though I have to go in that night for inventory). Should be fun, though I have no clue what to wear. lol Saturday, May 21 we are going to see Episode III, but I haven't got the tickets yet, because Jen & Tracy may go, but they haven't gotten back to me yet; even if they don't get back to me I'm getting them tomorrow. Mollie is going to, but Mark doesn't want to face the crowds. :-0( I hope I can get the tickets; it should be fine.

I saw someone with the e-mail PantomimeHorse on line which made me think of the song by Suede (or London Suede if you prefer), and so I started listening to some of their tunes, and everytime I hear them now I think about Ian. Ian was a boy that I met in 1996, who my friend Paul liked (though I didn't connect his confessions to me about a boy, with the actual person until much later); I hung out with him one night in 1997, with Autumn who had some of her art up in a gallery that she had the keys to, so we went there to hang out awhile. I remember that he loved that I enjoyed listening to Suede, since he didnt' know many people who knew who they were, and that we both enjoyed the new Cure cd "Wild Mood Swings". I ended up leaving Ian in the parking lot behind the Fleetwood Diner, and when we said goodbye we ended up kissing, which was really hot. I was dating Mark back then, but I enjoyed kissing other people, because Mark doesn't really kiss, except in that light kiss on the hand kind of way. The kiss with Ian was a nice moment in time. We had a lot of conversations that night, that reminded me of some of my history, which troubled me greatly at that time; he reminded me of so many people that I had outlived, and though he had a drug problem, I thought he'd eventually be ok. He & Autumn visited me at work (at Meijer) soon after that, and we all had lunch together; he really amused me, and I thought he looked really cool, and he reminded me of my dead friends. After that encounter I wrote a poem for him, only to learn that he had moved away, and that Autumn had a falling out with him. I gave her the poem, to give to him if she ever saw him again, and I tried not to worry about him.

In December of 2001, I considered writing about him again, and soon after I ran into our mutual friend, Dorian at Pizza House, who told me that Ian was dead. That he was buried. That Ian had been living back in Michigan for sometime. And that Ian had worked at Pizza House until the day he died.

Now, I started going to Pizza House in September of 1998. I started eating there about 3 times a week, which I continued to do for many years, and I knew many of the employees, and managers and stuff; one of my best friends, Carrie, was a hostess there. I asked her about Ian, and she told me that she had known him, and that she had actually gotten into a fight with him before he left; I think he was fired, or he quit, actually; the details are a bit foggy at the moment. She also said that she had no sympathy for him (he overdosed), and when I told her I knew him, and that I had once kissed him, she said that I kiss a lot of boys, and that she wasn't sorry that she had a fight with him that night.

I strongly considered never speaking to her again. It still pisses me off sometimes. It's not that I think he would have survived that much longer. Sure, if they hadn't fought, he would have been at work, and he wouldn't have overdosed at that moment. But he may have later that week; who knows? But what I do know is that I don't believe he ever got the poem that I wrote about him, which weighs on me, because it was about how much his survival meant to me. He would have known that someone cared about him, and that someone wanted him in this world, and that despite of his sickness, he was wanted.

Carrie's role in this hurts me. It hurts me because she got to see him, when I wanted desperately to see him, and when she saw him she was hurtful, and I wanted to see him and be hopeful, and she got to see him before he died, and I didn't. I'm jealous of her, and I resent her for her complete disregard for his life, which was something I treasured. I was probably close to seeing him a dozen times, and just missed him. He worked in my favorite hang out, and that knowledge hurts me; that I was that close, and yet I never got my chance. I didn't even get to go his funeral. When I hear Suede, it's a funerl durge in my head, and when I hear Numb from Wild Mood Swings, he's always there, and I always end up crying. Carrie's disregard for my feelings in this matter almost killed my love for her.

I avoided her for awhile, and it hurt me too. I like talking to her, and spending time with her...but that moment in time, haunts me. And she probably doesn't think about it at all. And now I'm super depressed, and I just want to cry in the shower.

Here are the two poems I've written about Ian:

Dear Friend

IAN IS DEAD

Dorian told me
this only a couple hours
ago...

Said that Ian had worked
at Pizza House up until the end.

Didn't know he was even
back in Ann Arbor...

Briefly knew that Dear Friend.

And as it turns out,
he didn't survive me...

Although he once revived me;
He is cold in the ground.

Only yesterday I thought
I'd write...only not...
& now to learn he's not even around.

Autumn once told me
she'd written him off...
Not worth the cost...
Far beyond saving.

He couldn't stop it...
He couldn't drop it...
Farewells & goodbyes;
all he ever was saying.

Can't stand the silence.
Can't stand the stareing.

Cure sang he's NUMB -
No cure for his fun -
Did not really know him
though I never stopped caring.

Written By Jason Wright
DECEMBER 31ST, 2001

- For Ian -

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:13 PM
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Today is my nephew Jordan's 10th Birthday, Mark & I are going to his house to give him & his 11 year old brother Justin (who's birthday I missed) their presents - if they arrive today as they're supposed to. I'm giving them the Clone Wars dvd & The Thief Of Always by Clive Barker. I'm also giving them some Star Trek tapes to see if they'd enjoy watching more of it. Hope all goes well tonight.

There's a new ALIAS on tonight but we're sure to miss it. Perhaps we'll watch some more QAF? Maybe I'll go to Ohio to dance...but I don't really see that happening. I should give Matt a call though, and see how he's doing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:17 PM
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A lot of writing today. I went outside to take the trash out, and check the mailbox, and it was raining a little, which was nice. On the way to the trashbin, which is at the far end of our parking lot, it started to pour, which was also not bad, though it made me remember walking in the rain with Maggie, a friend of mine a few years ago, who was later revealed as a compulsive liar. I miss her. But I miss her from before I learned she'd been telling tales about yours truly.

In truth, I knew she had the liar thing; she told so many improbably stories; she had cancer; she was going through menopause early, becasue she'd gotten her period when she was so young; her son Simon (who I've never seen in person) stuck up for gay kids in school; Simon's father had a limb amputated...blah blah blah. It just didn't ring true. She also told me that she was pregant, by her friend Matt, who is gay. But I later learned that she told Matt & everyone else (who all lived far away from me, and weren't in contact with me on a regular basis) that I was the father, and that I'd impregnated her while having a 3some with her and another woman to boot!?! And some of them, ok, all of them, believed her!

Now, it's true that I've had sex with girls, and it's also true that I liked Maggie a lot, but not like that; the very idea of it...kind of grosses me out. I liked Maggie because she stayed in touch with me, and claimed to keep a good word in for me with Shawn Foreman & his...crew. lol I used the word crew. lol And the thing is, Shawn believed her. And he didn't stop talking to me, which is nice, but what if he had? This...is maybe why this lie really pissed me off - and I learned from Amber & Laurie that they had both been told the same story!?! Ugh. When I confronted Maggie about this she said they were all (all of them) lying about her. She was also telling me that she got fired from her job at Meijer because she missed a day of work because she has cancer! And also that she was engaged to a lovely man who proposed to her the night they met, and they just KNEW they were meant to be together. WHAT THE FUCK EVER!

I said goodbye to her that night, and told her that if she ever wanted to tell me the truth, that I'd understand, and she'd be forgiven on the spot, but she's never called me, and I don't expect her too, but I miss her.

Oh, and of course she "lost" the baby. Just as I predicted she would, because in truth, none of her gay male friends impregnated her.

But at least one of us walked with her in the rain, hand in hand, laughing, and enjoying our time with her.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:39 PM
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   Thursday, May 12, 2005

Mark & I went to my older sister's house last night. Janice & her husband Jerry have 4 children: Justin, Jordan, Jillian & Jonathan; Justin turned 11 a few weeks ago, and Jordan turned 10 yesterday, so I brought gifts for the both of them. Mark & I both had fun playing with the kids, and it was great to have some one on one time with all of them. Justin is into Star Wars, and he likes the villains more than the heroes, because they look cooler; and he really wants to see Episode III. Jordan had a lot of toys, and a friend to distract him, but we got to interact a little bit, which I'm grateful for. Jillian, who is often shy when I see her, was all about her Uncle Jason, which made me feel great, and Jonathan played with me like crazy!!! ;-0) It was tons of fun.

Amidst all that wacky fun, my sister & I agreed to exchange books; I'm reading The Mirror by Marlys Millhiser, while Janice is reading the first Harry Potter novel. Janice has wanted me to read The Mirror for years, and I've wanted the same for her with the Harry Potter books; they're a lot like books we read when we were little, and I know that a lot of religious people think the books are evil or something, but I think that's kind of silly, and I think that if Janice reads them she will enjoy them; I'd love to see what the kids think of them. DJ, my manager reads them all to his son, who is Justin's age, and he loves them ;-0) I ordered the book for Janice through Amazon, and it should arrive at her door on Monday.

I also agreed to watch National Treasure starring (ick) Nic Cage. Blah. And 50 First Dates. I can't rent National for free, for at least another week, but I've decided to rent the two movies together, along with Fight Club, the movie that Mollie ruined the ending to; that way I can finish that one off, while also finishing this long encouraged voyage to the bottom of the movie pool.

I'm in the 3rd Chapter of the Mirror, and it's ok, except it's about time travel, and going back in time, which I've never really enjoyed. I don't want to go back in time; I don't want to be with people who do, because I like my modern stuff and I don't want to lose it. lol I like having electricity, and indoor plumbing (that can be used 24/7). I like my dvd's and my vibrators, and my internet access. And reading this book, I'm going to have to "live" in the past with a girl named Shay (or is it Mandy? Whatever). I'll read it though; I miss Watch The Wall My Darling already. :-0(

After we left Adrian (where Janice lives) we went to the bowling alley on Jackson, in Ann Arbor, where my coworkers were throwing a bowling bash for Dan, who is going to Iceland for a few weeks, to research stuff for his Norse mythology book. It was great seeing everybody, and the usually untouchable straight guys (as opposed to the ones that I hug all the time) were touchable, huggable, and it was all in good fun. I was tired, but I stayed 'til the end, because it's great to spend time with everybody that I work with: DJ, Zach, Bobby & Josh weren't there though. Much fun was had, and I slept very well afterwards.

I bought tickets for Episode III today, for Mollie, Paul, & me. Now Jennifer & Tracy want to go for sure as well, but of course it's after I bought the tickets. BLAH. Hopefully I can salvage that.

I also spent some time with Carrie, had a conversation with Mollie, worked on my webpage, organized some pix, dowloaded Lost & ALIAS, rented some dvds, and now I've got to go pick up Mark from work. ;-0) We'll probably watch ALIAS, with the possability of some QAF. I want to work on the computer downstairs though, and that might be a problem. Well - I really need to leave now. Hopefully Mark will forgive me when he reads this. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:51 PM
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   Friday, May 13, 2005

So Enterprise has ended, and it's final hour was so disturbingly wrong; so not about anything to do with Enterprise; so much about Next Generation, that it didn't even feature any 'real' appearances by any of the Enterprise characters!?! And not only that - they killed off Trip; they, in the course of 40 some minutes killed him off, decimated the Trip/T'Pol story that has been building for years, which rang particularly false in the aftermath of the penultimate episode, and gave us emotional scenes, that were impossible to invest in, given the knowledge that this wasn't even the true, playing out of events as they happened within the Enterprise storyline, but was only a holodeck simulation, dreamt up by some guy in the future, or by two deeply stupid writers, who have managed to muck up just about every single Trek they've come into contact with. One of the big reasons that DS9 kicked ass, was because Berman & Braga didn't have as much control over that one. I've NEVER bashed them before, but this episode was the worst possible ending for Enterprise.

Now it makes an ok episode of Next Generation, except that Riker & Troi (while still looking amazing for their age), look very, very old compared to their year 7 appearances, where this episode wants to take place. Blah. I'm so sick. The last 2 seasons of Enterprise have been amazing; only to be shit on by this final B&B monstrosity.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:28 PM
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