Thursday, September 1, 2005

I did end up doing some laundry, though my clothes aren't dry yet, and Mark will be here at 12:30pm to drive me to work. I actually stayed up with my laundry chores by scanning some really old pictures of me, that my Grandmother gave me. I have so many pictures of friends & family that I need to scan; I really want to find a place for them all on my webpage somewhere. And when I add the new old pix of me, with some new ones, I'll probably reorganize all the existing pictures (again) because I like the whole random thing. ;-0)

I'm listening to Coldplay, because I like them, but also because the neighbors are listening to really loud music that I don't want to hear. I need to brush my teeth, and finish getting ready for work.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:25 PM
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   Friday, September 2, 2005

I read the news of New Orleans and it's like watching a disaster movie. A movie which throws in all sorts of plot twists that are too strange to actually exist within reality. The hurricane I believe. And relief efforts; I've seen all that before. But the number of dead people just floating around, and people shooting at hospital evacuees and rape gangs with guns roaming the water-logged city? It's unbelievable. I wander around in my life this week, and always in the back of my mind there is this worry for the bad movie people, and for Mollie with her mother & step-father, and Carrie with school, and I try to just...go on, but it's getting harder to not be overwhelmed by all the outside stuff; it's pretty bleak. I'm very grateful for my friends, and that we are alive and not in the south. I'm grateful that Poppy Z. Brite evacuated New Orleans and is mostly safe in a city without power. I've known many people over the years who have moved to New Orleans, and I wonder if any of them were there. Anne Rice moved away from that city a few years ago, I believe, but did she move far enough away? What about Chris? And there must be so many people that have died, and will die that could have been amazing people; possibly people that could have touched my life in a grander way than as a statistic on the evening news. erg.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:01 AM
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I can't sleep, and it's pissing me off. I turned down the air; hopefully that will help. I'm so fricking tired. I'm ripping some stuff for Bryan to keep from driving myself crazy but I'm not sure it's working. I'm crazy. I'm over it. Now if I could just sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:44 AM
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I think I finally fell asleep around 7:30am, but when my alarm went off and I thought I pressed snooze, I accidentally turned my clock off, so I got some more sleep, but had to rush around so I could arrive at work 6 minutes late. I ended up staying about an hour late anyways because Mark dropped me off and I had to wait for him to get off work and pick me up. Work was mostly fun, and DJ gave me a hardon (long story) which is always fun.

After work, Mark & I went to the storage unit, and then home, where I changed my clothes so we could go to Best Buy and look at the tv's with the $900.00 gift card I gave him for his surprise party. Only thing was that the tv's we want are about $5,000.00!?! So we decided to wait (even though we had a coupon to get 10% off this weekend. We're going to set aside money until we have enough for that, and then wait for another sale, and get it then.

I ended up buying some movies though, which I figured would come out of my next check, which I should get on Tuesday. We went to Meijer to pick up a few random things (Cool Mint Listerine, Lotrimin AF, Razor Blades, After Shave Gel (which everyone has always complimented me on), Deoderant for Mark, and baby powder), and then headed home.

We watched 2 more episodes of Dawson's Creek. I've been eating a lot of garlic bread lately; I like it ;-0) I've been enjoying spending time with Mark; I wish we were more compatable as lovers because things would be pretty cool right now, but we just...aren't, which makes me sad.

I'm kind of tired so I'm not too bummed that I didn't go out tonight. I don't really know what I'm doing; maybe just sleeping; maybe reading or working on my webpage - I really have no clue.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:58 PM
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   Sunday, September 4, 2005

I thought a lot on Saturday. I read a lot of CNN stuff, and I caught up on sleep. I cleaned my room a bit. I later went to a party at Andy's house; it was fun, though a lot smaller than the last one. Still, I got to play euchre which was nice, and I got to see some people. It's was low key; which is actually how I dressed, so that worked out.

I went to Kroger after the party, and I've been home for like, an hour. I read the new Entertainment Weekly. It's possible that ALIAS is gonna suck this year, but maybe I'm wrong. I'm making some food, and I'm gonna watch some Xena (oh yeah, my new Xena set to replace the faulty one arrived this week, and I watched the disc that was previously damaged earlier today as well). I'm tired, but I'm so hungry I'm gonna eat, and then stay up so I don't get sick.

I wonder how Mollie, Carrie, Adam, Karen, Shawn & Jonathan are doing?

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:29 AM
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I just had the hottest dream! I dreamt that I was still living with my parents (that's not the hot part), and I was a lot younger than I am now; I was in High School, and this guy showed up at our church who seemed to know me, but I didn't know who he was, which upset him. I later learned that he was my older cousin, who thought I was cool when I was little because we talked about Battle of The Planets & stuff, & I had a huge crush on him when I was little. The face of the guy in my dream, was not of anyone that's really a cousin of mine; he was in the last Xena episode I watched before falling asleep: "King Kon". But he was definitely based on my cousin Jeff, which leave me feeling kind of sad. Anyways, in the dream, even though I in high school and younger it was also like I was the way I am now, and I remember telling him that Battle of the Planets seemed really cool when we were kids, but it's on DVD now, and it actually sucks, and that it's better just to remember it as being good... But then we caught an episode of Robotech and I said that it had continued to be pretty good, but mostly because it was kind of adult to begin with, and we talked about Lisa Hayse. lol And he seemed kind of sad that his childhood memories were broken in the light of adulthood. This we discussed while watching tv in my bedroom at my parents' house wrapped around each other. This was very late in the dream - earlier we were making out in church - on a pew, and no one seemed to notice or care. It was all really hot, but it was all very sad too... He was only visiting for a week, and he had to leave (shades of Kyle - hmm) and we had to say goodbye; what a kiss! After he was gone, I remembered he told me that when we were both younger and we talked about these tv shows he thought we had something special but that I had also talked like that with our cousin Brandon, and I remembered that I had wrote about that so I stopped on the street (Liberty in Ann Arbor) to look in my old poetry folder to find the poem about him, because even in the dream, even though I remembered him earlier, I knew that I couldn't remember his face, and I couldn't remember his name, which was killing me, because if I couldn't remember those things, then how could I find him again? That's when Ann Arbor was suddenly a disaster zone; filled with water and people dying, like in New Orleans...except that people kept stopping at a table on the street where I continued to look for the old poem, and they signed a petition that was somehow supposed to help the Katrina victims. I went into the Necto and remembered dancing with my cousin there. And then I woke up.

If that was at all confusing, it's probably because I should so still be asleep, but I didn't want to forget that. I know that some of the guy was based on the Xena actor, and some of the actual situations were based on my cousins Jeff, Kyle, Scott & Brandon. Janice & David Grinell(?) were in the dream. It was very erotic, but very sad. I'll have to explain who all these people are later, because I'm going to brush my teeth, and then lay down again.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:47 AM
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   Monday, September 5, 2005

I slept until about 3:30pm. Mark wasn't home when I wandered out of my room; he apparently went to Best Buy to drool on his tv again. I checked some stuff out on line. I jacked off, and showered and stuff. I had a fairly large meal while I continued with Season 3 of Xena (When In Rome...) then got ready for work and arrived about 6 minutes late. It was basiclaly just me & Nate for the whole Nate (though Heidi stayed for awhile) and we were so busy!!! We didn't get breaks, but I accepted that as soon as I realized how busy we were, and I just concentrated on not killing anybody. It worked. But I'm wiped. I'm gonna have a snack & watch some more Xena. Probably. Or maybe I'll collapse.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:45 AM
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I watched Xena & Herc last night, and got very little sleep as I was feeling all acidy. I went to work at 1pm, which was thankfully dead, and it was fun to work with DJ, Bryan, Nate & eventually Matt. I didn't have to drive Mark to or from work, which was fantastic, and rush hour traffic didn't exist; very nice. After work I took a brief nap, laying naked on top of my sheets, took a shower, and I called Mollie back (I called her at work) and listened to all the morbid news from the passed week. She survived it all which I'm grateful for, and she wants to play games Friday night, which I invited Bryan too, who is trying to quit smoking, which I fully support. I watched an episode of DC with Mark while I ate, and then I decided to go to my Grandma's for a bible (long story) and drop of a cd for my sister, and pick up Mark's card from Jennifer - only I screwed up the cd, Janice has Mark's Jennifer card, and gas prices suck so I cancelled the trip, and now I'm kind of in limbo while I decide if I'm up for Necto tonight.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:37 PM
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   Tuesday, September 6, 2005

I didn't go to Necto. I recorded Bryan's tape. I slept until a little after 1am, and then when I got up my stomach was a bit upset so I had trouble getting back to sleep. I finished recording Bryan's tape so I could give it to him today, but my stomack is still upset & I'm wondering if I should maybe call in? I really don't like calling into work, but I hate working in this condition even more. I'll have to decide what I'm going to do soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:53 AM
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   Wednesday, September 7, 2005

I called into work yesterday; the whole day pretty much sucked, but I tried not to think about it. When Mark got home he said he ran into Ben at a gas station and that he asked if I was ok, but Mark hadn't heard from me since just after my last entry, so he didn't know. I really wanted to work yesterday too because Ben was gonna be back, and I had that tape to give to Bryan, along with Angels In America, which he told me he wanted to borrow sometime at Mark's party. I didn't really do anything yesterday. erg.

I finished the 1st disc of Xena - Season 4, and then watched the first few Hercules - Season 5 episodes (the only Season of Herc that I truly enjoy), and then I tried to play Diablo II but ended up deleting my favorite character :-0( I spent most of the night trying fix things.

I just saw the trailer for Brokeback Mountain, which I've been looking forward to seeing. I'm pretty sure it's gonna make me cry; maybe Mollie will see it with me. I also want to see Dorian Blues which she may enjoy also, as there's a priest in that one ;-0)

I'm trying not to spend any more cash, as we're rapidly moving into brokesville. I know everybody knows this already, but gas prices suck! Doctor Bills Suck. A lot of things sucking lately. Except for me. I'm still not with the sucking. And actually, my jaw, which has hurt most of my life, has been getting worse - which worries me. Somedays it hurts to talk, or laugh, or eat. It's not good.

I have very little ambition. I've never really known what I wanted to do in life. The only things that have ever seemed important to me are people and interacting with them, and exploring myself in the process. I must be pretty weird.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:24 AM
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Xena makes me smile. And cry. And smile. I feel so much better today! Today is good. I slept 8 hours (which is a rarity these days), and I'm not uncomfortable, which is nice. And I've got Xena to tide me over when I'm bored. I wish Friday would hurry up and get here: I miss Mollie!!!

Oh, there's a fantastic interview with Joss Whedon concerning Serenity on line, and I found another interview with Dwayne McDuffie about Justice League Unlimited. I love news about my shows.

When I was younger I watched a disturbing amount of television! And now...I don't. I watch TV shows on DVD in spurts, but the only TV Shows that I watch as they air are ALIAS & JLU. I read the news at cnn.com. I check my e-mail & work on my webpage; write in my blog. I just don't have time for a lot of tv shows I guess. Or I refuse to make the time for them, when I think that they mostly suck. Most shows that I enjoy get cancelled after a season or two anyways.

Mark should be home soon. I need to clean my room some more. I feel good. I wish I could see more of my friends today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:07 PM
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   Thursday, September 8, 2005

I showed Mark the Brokeback Mountain Trailer and he said that he wanted to see it with me in the theater, but he seemed to think it wouldn't have a large release, but with that cast, and that director, based on that story, and the amount of attention it has gotten by the press... I believe that it will. And hopefully, it won't suck. lol

I watched even more Xena. But I think I'm growing bored with it for the moment, which is fine. I'm looking forward to work today. Oh, and DJ let me borrow the Dungeons & Dragons toons but they wouldn't play on my computer :-0( I'll survive; probably. But I'm bored right now, in general, and I don't feel like watching anything or playing anything, and I just woke up so I don't feel like sleeping.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:55 AM
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   Friday, September 9, 2005

I did have trouble sleeping Friday morning, and I my right eye had some odd discomfort thing going on. Well - my right eye to me - my left eye to everyone else. I thought I'd popped a blood vessel; that's common in my family (probably all the in-breeding). Work started out not so good on Friday; I had a headache and ended up scraping my back up... But then painkiller made everything ok. I took a nap after work and then went to Borders because I had a coupon I wanted to use, but I ended up spending more money than I wanted to. I have a couple more coupons, but I think I might just let them expire so I can save my money. I also rented some porn last night, and this one I watched was disturbingly hot. roar. I watched an episode of Hercules last night, and then went to bed.

I woke up today with my eye hurting a bit more, so I examined it further to see what was going on. I spoke to Mollie on the phone last night and she said that it might be a sty, and that she had them a lot when she was younger and that they were very painful. Apparently that's probably what I have, on the inside of eyelid. It's painful and I have a doctor's appointment on Monday morninng, with the possability of going in tomorrow morning if the condition worsens. It hurts, but it's not overwhelmingly painful - it's like I have a zit on the inside of my eyelid. It's just uncomfortable, and kind of odd. lol

Either way, I need to take a hot shower (kind of a hot compress for my eyeball) and I need to clean up a bit, as Mollie & Bryan are coming over tonight for games ;-0) Mollie will be coming home with Mark when he gets off work at 6pm, but Bryan will be arriving later at about 9pm. I'm really looking forward to spending time with my friends.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:11 PM
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   Saturday, September 10, 2005

So Paul called me last night (from San Francisco) to ask me about seeing Serenity as he thinks he'll be in town around then - which would be cool ;-0) Plus tons of other people I know are going. Mark, Mollie, Kenny, Adam, Carrie, a different Paul & his friends, Bryan, Ben, Robert, Diana, Chris & her coworkers - and I think I might be forgetting some people. Even if the movie sucks (which I can't really imagine) I want it to make a lot of money; Joss deserves it, and I deserve sequels damn it!

Mark picked up Mollie after work but had to go to the store a couple of times and stuff while I cleaned the condo. My sty was really getting annoying and uncomfortable; hot compresses were used. Bryan & his son Robert showed up around 9:20pm and we played TROUBLE & Rich Man, Poor Man - and Euchre. I kept Bryan from smoking, and I had Mark buy his some suckers to help him & Robert quit. It was fun. After Bryan & Robert left we played Scrabble, which I've never really loved, but I managed to have fun - and I would have won except I have apparently been playing the wrong way all these years. Weird.

Mark drove Mollie home, with me in the car to keep him awake, because I didn't think it was a good idea for me to drive with the sty bugging me. I think I was doing a pretty good job of not ripping my eyeball out, because that's all I wanted to do! I whined about it a little bit every once in awhile, but it was constantly annoying me, so I think I handled it pretty well. After we dropped off Mollie, we dropped off the porn I rented (we're all about saving gas money these days).

We decided that we would get up at 7 or so, so we could call and make an appointment for my eye today at 8 when the place opened. We did that, but then when I looked at my inner eyelid the sty seemed to have improved dramatically - it still stings a bit, but I think that's because it popped. My outer lid is a bit swollen, but I think it's getting better, so we left a message saying that we wanted to cancel the appointment, and then tried to call them to let them know but we were on hold for like 20 minutes, and we were the 6th callers in the "line"; we gave up momentarily, and I called back shortly and got through almost right away, so that's taken care of. I really hope my eye is ok. If it's better tomorrow then I'll cancel my appointment for Monday, and if it's still really sore maybe I'll go in as a followup kind of thing.

I let Mollie borrow Hedwig & the Angry Inch and The Feast of All Saints; she's seen Hedwig, but not Feast, which was a miniseries made for cable based on the Anne Rice novel, which I think Mollie might enjoy. I gave Bryan his tape of JLU/Batman Beyond, Xena, DS9, Drawn Together & more JLU, and I let him borrow Angels In America which he had mentioned wanting to borrow a while ago. I hope they both enjoy their movies - er...my movies. lol

Mollies been having all kinds of troubles (I want to say lately, but it's just been one thing after another for such a long time now!) which sucks! Hopefully things will improve for her. Bryan & Robert are trying to quit smoking which is hopefully going to work out; Bryan has been smoking for 20 years!?!

Oh, and if my eye is better tomorrow I can work, which I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do, because, well - it was getting bad.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:44 AM
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I woke up about an hour ago. I watched "The Prince of Tides" before going to sleep, and my dreams were all wrapped up in the movie. I first saw the film with my ex-gf Jen Beam, who thought it might be a powerful film for me; it was; I cried a lot; thanks Jen. I haven't seen Jen in about 7 years, but I wish I had her phone # or her address, and I hope she is doing well. I have seen that movie several times over the years. It's seems slightly more cheesy than the last time I saw it, but the good still outweighs the bad, and there's another layer too it now, as back in summer 2001, while trapped in Travis Kelley's basement (his parents were out of town & I stayed the week - but he had to work, and his dad's co-workers, who worked out of the bodyshop next to the house were not to see me staying there) I read his mother's copy of the novel. The book makes me remember that week with Travis, when things were still great between us, and there was nothing to sour my memories of him; I remember his room, his home in great detail, though the days there are a bit blurred between hanging out with his friends, and fucking (we had really good sex).

My eye looks even better than it did this morning, for which I'm grateful; that sty was really beyond annoying. 3 more GLBT titles arrived for my shelf, which I love. I love the idea of my movie shelf, and how there are tons of them there that I've never seen. I love knowing that on a day where I don't feel all that great, I can watch an assortment of these movies, and see how there are so many different stories and perspectives to gay peoples lives; be they portrayed as human, monsters, killers, lovers, friends, neighbors, anything under the sky. Sometimes I'll get a movie & Mark will point out that it's not a gay positive role or something, and to me that's not really the point. The idea of the shelf is that it doesn't deny gay existence, or in some cases, the idea that men can have sex with men. It's the denial of such things that bothers me. And for all those (mostly older) movies that portray gay people in a negative light, there are now a good assortment of positive portrayals to balance them out, and not all gay people are heroes or lovable, and as long as there is a balance of such stories, it doesn't bother me.

New episodes of JLU in one week ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:45 PM
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   Sunday, September 11, 2005

I napped on & off after the last entry; watched some Xena & Herc, with sleep in between. Don't know why I was so tired; maybe it was my body fighting off infection? I don't know. I finally got up for good around 11pm. I decided I needed a shave & shower which made me feel really good, and then I thought I might stop by the Aut Bar. I didn't really think I'd have any fun, but I felt like if I didn't get out of the condo I'd explode; like I was in limbo or something. I had originally thought I'd work on my webpage, but that seemed likes such a downer.

When I got to the bar I ran into Scott, a boy I've known for a couple of years. We're both very attracted to each other, but we're not really compatable; sometimes we forget this, because it seems to0 horrible to be true. That's what happened tonight. I gave him a ride back to his place, and we kissed, and he asked me in (just to talk) which lasted maybe a half hour. Good conversation actually, and we talked about why we haven't been having sex with people lately, and we both seemed to have the same answer which was nice - except he then wanted sex with me, and I wanted something more than just sex.

Is that so wrong? Can't I have sex and have it be more and have it not be that big a deal? What's wrong with men? Or is it just me? I don't know - but it was kind of nice, and kind of horrible at the same time. So much wanting, but so much not. It was terrible. I do find him attractive, as my hardon kept insisting, which made it nearly impossible to just leave - it went on & on, not quite beautiful and not quite hell. We didn't fuck as we both wanted, but we did just about everything else, though only in bursts; never for long. I got dressed to leave a dozen times and he'd start undressing me, and I'd be so hard it hurt. We didn't cum before I left, but I felt sort of bruised all over; like I'd been assaulted, which I wasn't; I did everything of my own accord; it was just a feeling. He kept telling that I worry too much and that it was just sex, but that was kind of the problem for me. It also came out that he's republican, and voted for Bush which only added to my guilt at not controlling my cock better. Before the end of the night I told him we could do something on Monday, but now I don't know that I want to. I'll see how I feel later, and either way, I'll call him. Maybe we could have one little outing, while he's sober to seal the deal on us as just being friends.

I just... It was only 2 or 3 years ago that I was fucking anything that I wanted and it was FUN - and I don't know what changed... Actually I do; I changed. I realized that while I was having a lot of fun sex, that it had been ages since I'd slept with someone that I truly enjoyed as a person. But still, I didn't think it would take so long to find someone like that. Tony was like that, and yet we have that whole non-communication thing going. I don't like to wait to have sex, and yet I do want to wait - it's a pretty masochistic state of being. I don't know. I need to take a shower, and I need to go to sleep.

I've now been with 3 people this year, more or less, and while that's way less than usual for me, I feel like a whore. Yet of the 3 people, 2 of them I'd been with before this year, and one of them I had known, and been attracted to for more than a decade, so even though my behavior hasn't completely fallen into line with what I understand that I want - it has changed. That's something at least.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:58 AM
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I've showered, and decided I want to eat and watch something before bed. I just read some good news; Brokeback Mountain has been awarded the Golden Lion for best film at the closing ceremonies for the 62nd Venice International Film Festival! Finally a proud queer film based on a queer story in which the queer factor hasn't been erased or ignored, or blamed for the movie sucking! Amazing. Also cool: Hayao Miyazaki presented the award to Ang Lee! Nice. The movie seems to be getting a lot of positive reviews, and Heath Ledger is being mentioned as a possible Oscar contender. This pleases me.

Plus 2 new JLU episodes in just 6 days.

Ok. I'll stop now. But is it any wonder that I turn to these sorts of things for enjoyment when everything else just seems so shitty?

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:38 AM
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   Monday, September 12, 2005

I worked last night, which was mostly good. I rented Apartment Zero, Cleopatra's 2nd Husband, and Breathless. Breathless left me limp and afraid, as it featured full frontal Richard Gere. I shut it off as quickly as I could, but I'm afraid that the vision will be stuck in my brain until I'm cold in the ground. I'm not a big animal lover, but...those poor gerbils.

Is cutting on yourself like, insanely popular? I'm just wondering, because just about everyone I've ever known has done it at one point or another. I can usually tell if they are; I don't know what it is exactly, except that maybe...oh, I don't want to talk about that shit. Suffice it to say that I generally see these things coming, but it never stops the helpless feeling when faced with the reality. The last time this happened before last night, was with Shawn. I guess I should be grateful that it hasn't happened since then, or if it has, then I've been blissfully unaware. It must, at least sometimes, be really great to not notice when people are suffering.

I have this friend, who's like a sister to me, only she's better than a sister because my sisters (despite their love for me) view me through their Christian eyes, and while they tolerate me, I don't think they'll ever quite love me the way that I love them. My friends aren't like that, which is why they are my friends. This friend (it's Mollie - she posted it in her blog so I don't know why I'm playing this "friend" game) has brought joy to my life, since the day that I met her. She's had a very hard life; too hard. It never really seems to let up on her, which I don't understand. Frankly, I think it's a wonder that this hasn't happened before, or if it has, that it hasn't been 'worse'. She's amazing. Her working environment is atrocious. Her options are limited. Her mother is dying. Her apartment is a huge improvment over her previous living arrangments, but she can hardly pay her bills. She's had serious medical problems of seemingly random & cruel severity. She's got the most beautiful smile, and laughter, and humor and...she's just the best person that I know, and yet she's single which I just don't understand - so that, while she's not alone, I think she might be lonely.

But she goes to work, and she kicks ass, and she hangs out with friends whenever she can, and she makes us laugh when we want to cry... And she holds us when the laughter doesn't last. And she's not a god; she's very human. She's not perfect. But nobody is, and she knows that. She doesn't judge people. When I meet someone new, be it a friend, boyfriend or lover - and they want to know me better - I introduce them to Mollie. Having Mollie as my friend reflects well on me. lol People love her, and those that dislike her tend to not be big on laughter (or in some extremely annoying cases - bathing). Mollie has a wicked tongue for comebacks, but she seldom if ever resorts to using it against those who truly deserve it - she'll just tell me about it after that fact and make me laugh for days. She's a good person. She doesn't deserve to be unhappy. She doesn't deserve a razor or a bottle of pills as a little pick me up. She deserves to be loved and cared for and she is. By me. By Mark. By just about everyone I've ever talked to about her (because I talk about her all the time).

When Mark and & were talking about moving to San Francisco (which may yet happen in the not too distant future) the one thing I couldn't leave behind was Mollie. Darla, Kellie, Carrie, & Shawn are all still alive, but the people I first knew & loved and trusted who cut themselves are not. I know I shouldn't react so emotionally when my suspicions are confirmed, but I always do, and the helplessness is there in spades. Funerals are planned & attended behind my eyes every time this comes to light. I cried last night for a good hour before falling asleep.

When I woke up, it was still dark outside, and I ate, and watched Apartment Zero which was really good. My first thought was that Mollie might like it. And then I felt...a lot, all mixed up. I showered with Mark and talked with him about the movie. I'll have to get it; probably next week.

But now I'm going to finish drinking my Sierra Mist; maybe watch another movie. I think movies are going to be big for me this week.

Mollie: I'm glad that you're finally talking about stuff, it was just a little shocking to be right again, when I wanted so badly to be wrong.

I love you.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:00 AM
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Lots of thoughts for Mollie. I have another sty, but this one seems to be the less annoying, easier to deal with types; if it gets worse or isn't gone within a day or two I'll make another doctor's appointment; perhaps my doc will be back from her vaction?

I watched Cleopatra's 2nd Husband this morning, which was ok. Twisted. Ok. But not fantastic. I think I really loved Apartment Zero. I worked out today. I might go dancing later, but I'm not sure yet. I like to wear a lot of eyeliner when I go to goth night, but I don't know if that would agitate the new sty I have.

I hope Mollie is well.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:15 PM
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   Thursday, September 15, 2005

I did go dancing Monday night, though the DJ who was in from New York sucked beyond the telling of it. I didn't even dance for the first hour and I got there around midnight! After the music got slightly better and dancing was involved this big round red shirt guy came on to the dance floor are started "dancing", which I moved away from. He was with a friend and they were both so obviously tweaking. Big Red came over towards me and I backed away and he followed and I told him to keep the fuck away from me, but he didn't listen. I pushed him as hard as I could (which given his weight, was quite an accomplishment) and he stumbled back and wandered away. Later he came back and there was more drama, which became even more dramatic. He said he just wanted to touch me, and I told him I just wanted him to fuck off. Then he touched a girl and this hot guy with dreads punched him good. They were removed from the bar, and taken away by the police. After the bar closed (which was only minutes later) and everyone was gathering outside the assholes (Red & Black) showed up again, and the cops came and took them away again. End of Drama. Vincent, Sandor, Paul & Amy were there. A good time was mostly had by all, though the lack of good music really sucked.

I forgot to call Scott on Monday. The whole Mollie Cutting thing kind of through me off the whole date mind-set. I still haven't called him, and now I don't know if I should or not?

Tuesday I got some sleep. Later I took my rentals back and rented the 1st 2 discs of Nip/Tuck and Baquiat; though the surgeries made me feel a bit queasy I got sucked into Nip/Tuck and watched all 6 episodes without even trying. I think Mollie will like it. It has lots of gay characters and plotlines - though so far no guy on guy stuff, though from what I've heard, that's soon to change in the upcoming 3rd season. I liked Basquiat at first (the cast is fucking awesome!) but it got a bit boring after awhile - I slept and finished the movie just before Mark got home from work on Wednesday.

We talked to Mollie on the phone; she was playing Spyro, and she sounded good. She wants to hang out Saturday and watch Nip/Tuck. I'm gonna try to put the episodes on tape for her; and hopefully I get the 1st 2 seasons for us, as I'd like to watch the 3rd season as it airs; though maybe not the first few weeks as it starts in a couple of days. I forgot to tell her that JLU is on Saturday 10pm-11pm and that for that hour I'll be glued to cartoon network. ;-0) Mark & I talked to her about getting her some help; the help that she can't really get from her friends. I think things could work out for her; she's got amazing reserves of strength; I just think that all these complicated things are hitting her all at once, and have been doing so for a disturbing amount of time - who wouldn't be doing what she's doing under such stress? But I love her and I want her to be well. This could help with that, and Mark was so upfront about everything on the phone, and how concerned he was for her. If Mark can change like that then anything is possible.

I've been slowly, but surely continuing my Animated Batman guide, which has been fun.

Oh - I talked to Mom yesterday because I saw this girl the other night who is friends with a friend (Colleen) of my younger sister's; this girl (Rachel I think her name is) cant get ahold of Colleen and asked me to get this message to her. But Jamie wasn't home. Mom told me that Colleen and Jamie were supposed to stay the weekend with Jamie's fiance Mark, but Jamie didn't feel like going and Colleen went without her, which Jamie thougt was odd, and what I thought was just fucking tacky. And Colleen once told me that Mark tried to get in her pants before Jamie - which has me super worried for Jamie's feelings. If I see Colleen at her work anytime soon I'll ask her what's going on.

Mom was babysitting Justin, Jordan & Jonathan, and I got to talk to Justin on the phone for a few minutes. He said they loved the Batman/Superman dvd I gave them (which I already knew because they're mother told me so on the phone previously). Justin said that he prefers Batman & that Jordan prefers Superman. I love them both; maybe I can share my Batman/Superman collection with them once I know what order to put them in. Talking with Justin, Jordan, Jillian & Jonathan is one of the truly joyous parts of my life.

So the sty on my eyelid is still there, but at least it's not on the inside jabbing into my eyeball anymore. When I see it, it makes me think of my dad. He gets them all the time, but his are so much worse than this. I wonder if that's coming up for me in the future, but I kind of think that it won't happen with me because I have such a different life than he has and can go to the doctor and stuff. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could afford to buy him clothes, or get his teeth fixed or shaved him or something, and just started working out with him, the way I did when I was little. It kind of hurts to think about him that way though. It hurts to remember when he seemed like my dad, and not this crazy David guy. Janice probably understands this.

I work today & tomorrow, but I have Saturday off. I already shaved, and my work clothes are in the washer; actually I should probably go put them in the dryer. I'll write more eventually.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:19 AM
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   Friday, September 16, 2005

I forgot to say in my last post that Mark & I watched a couple episodes of Dawson's Creek before he went to bed; the first time we've done that in over a week; it was nice.

I drove Mark to work Thursday morning (after a detour to Meijer), and I started recording episodes of Nip/Tuck for Mollie. I watched a Batman episode ("See No Evil") and then started watching the NC-17 version of "Crash" which I'd never seen before (I saw the R rated version years ago); wacky. Work was fine, if not too stimulating. Bryan loved Drawn Together and wants to see more. Before going to work I saw the new Harry Potter trailer and e-mailed it to those I thought might enjoy it, including DJ who was stoked to hear about it. 10 movies arrived for me in the mailbox at home, and I went to bed as soon as I could.

I woke up around 10pm. I finished watching the first episode of Desperate Housewives. It's ok so far; I'm looking forward to watching the season and see how much I like it when it's over. The new season must start soon, and if I like it I want to be ready for that. Maybe Mollie would like this too? I don't know. Perhaps.

My hours at work have been cut again. I work today, Sunday & Friday. I guess that's ok, but I just paid my doctor's bill and it would be nice to have money coming into my account.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:06 AM
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   Saturday, September 17, 2005

Work was so dead yesterday. After work I talked tried calling Laurie, but was told that she already moved back to Virginia. I realized that I didn't have her phone # down there so I called right back, but nobody answered the phone. I left a message with Amber, and she later called me back, and told me that Laurie has actually been back in Virginia for 3 weeks, and that they had an encounter in which Laurie told her that she had hung out with me 2 times while she was here, but in fact I only spoke to her once on the phone and I never saw her. I hope she's ok, but her behaviour is a bit odd. I called Paul on my way to work to wish him Happy Birthday, and he let me know that he won't be in Michigan for Serenity as he & Michael just bought a house; he's leaving San Francisco.

I slept when I got home from work. I finished off the first season of Nip/Tuck for Mollie and myself. Carrie's interested in a Desperate Housewives tape. Maybe she'd like Nip/Tuck too? I don't know. I've been trying to get these tapes ready for Mollie to surprise her with, but she cancelled our plans for tonight, which is fine really. JLU is on tonight. I hope Mollie gets some rest. I need to buy some more vhs & stop by Hollywood to rerent DH. So I guess I'll go do that now.

I'm leading quite the exciting life, aren't I?

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:51 PM
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   Sunday, September 18, 2005

I should go get some Groceries; Mark is going to a family reunion later, so I won't have the car to do it then, and I'm just about out of food. erg. But I'm super tired.

JLU was pretty cool last night; I enjoyed both episodes. The first had strong ties to the 1st Season Finale, and also followed up on a ton of other episodes. The cast is really getting huge now! Aztech was used again, and Fire finally got to talk, though I kind of liked it better when she didn't. Other characters that appeared, that I can remember included: Lex Luthor, Gorilla Grodd, Superman, Hawkgirl, Sinestro, Flash, Weather Wizard, Killer Frost, Brainiac (sort of), Toyman, Bizarro, Copperhead, Star Saphire, King Faraday, Giganta, Dr. Destiny, one of the Blackhawks, I think I saw Volcana, and there was a picture of Vandal Savage - plus The Key & Dr. Polaris? Wacky. Episode 2 had Batman, Green Lantern, Vixen, Hawkgirl, and introduced the JLU version of Hawkman! Both episodes featured the new JLU Metro Tower; a precurser to the one used in Batman Beyond. Ooh, and GL referenced Warhawk from the future. ;-0)

I slept for about an hour. I updated some links on my webpage. I ate, which is when I realized I was almost out of food. I rewatched the JLU episodes. I watched an episode of Desperate Housewives (it's getting pretty good now). I finished off the first season of Nip/Tuck yesterday and that was awesome, despite me having a horrible headache. I'm tired...but I'm gonna go to Kroger now. I work tonight, and then have 4 days off.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:23 AM
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   Monday, September 19, 2005

After groceries yesterday, I slept, and went to work. I worked with Heidi & Joe for awhile but both left early. I went to Little Caesars for the first time in about a month, which was really good. I left work about 10 minutes early because we were finished with everything. I watched several episodes of Desperate Housewives (while recording them for Carrie), slept (I had a nightmare I was being surounded and devoured by insects), woke up to find an insect bite. blah. I watched still more of Desperate Housewives after Mark left for work; I'm officially a fan, and though Carrie has seen an episode here or there, I think she will enjoy seeing them in order. I think Mollie might like it too, but I'm not sure.

Carrie's birthday was yesterday. I had thought that it was today, and planned to give her the 1st two Desperate Housewives tapes today. I'd considered getting her the extended edition of Two Towers, but I'm broke, and last time I bought her something that expensive (though she enjoyed it) she made me swear I wouldn't do it again. Anyways, I don't think I've ever gotten her a birthday present on her actual birthday; I always screw it up somehow. Last year Mark & I gave her gifts the day before her birthday, & I made a note of it, but I screwed it up again! I didn't feel horrible about this because I've been working on stuff for her all of last week, but apparently no one else called her or wrote her or anything so she's really bummed which I can understand, since I've been there, but I hope she writes off my non-involvement as me being wacky - because I her gifts in mind all along. erg.

I might be going out to eat with Heidi later, which is nice. And I got a pretty mashup this morning which I'm overplaying, which is also nice. I have about 5 more episodes of Desperate Housewives to watch, which I'm looking forward to. I should try to get those tapes to Carrie. Oh, and I just got an e-mail from this guy thanking me for the pix on my webpage, and telling me he's been jacking off to pix of me for years, and just wanted to thank me ;-0) That made me smile a lot.

I got an email from Jonathan, and he & Shawn have moved. He sent me their phone #'s and their new address, and confirmed Shawn's birthday. He said they'd like to hang out and that they still have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off. I have this week off, but that seems like short notice, especially since it would have to be tomorrow and not Wenesday as Mark has need of the car on Wednesday :-0( So maybe next week, though I don't have the schedule yet. Hopefully I can hang out with them soon; it's important to make time for your friends, and it's even more important to see friends that live further away, as often as possible. I'm proud to be their friend, if that makes any sense. hm.

I'm gonna call Carrie and see if she's home so I can drop off her tapes, and I hope she enjoys them. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:25 PM
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   Friday, September 23, 2005

What have I done this week? Good question. Too much to write down here. All I know right now, is that the new posters for Harry Potter 4 look fantastic, and Cedric Diggory is hot! See the posters here. Scroll all the way down to see the poster of Cho & Cedric; though all of the posters are impressive. I should get some sleep, as I have to work today.

I only have 2 episodes left to watch in Nip/Tuck's 2nd Season. Mollie is excited about watching N/T & Desperate Housewives so we can watch the new episodes together, so I'll probably be recording a lot this weekend. Saturday is Outfest, which is where I was with Mollie, Bryan, Chris & Robert when we got a call from Laurie telling us that things with Kevin (which were bad already) were suddenly as we had suspected (but didn't want to believe) becoming dire. Thursday will be a year since his funeral. It seems like longer somehow...like years ago; another life.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:37 AM
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