Sunday, August 6, 2006

My back hurts. I'm finishing this week's laundry. I've eaten. I need to find something to wear tonight, and if I could get a nap in, that would be great, as I've been up since 5am.

I've got more to say, but it can wait.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:21 PM
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   Monday, August 7, 2006

I need to sleep. But I have much to write about later.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:44 AM
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   Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Ok. Where to start?

Saturday. I did shave my head. I did jack off. I did finish cleaning my room, but I didn't dance naked to the Pet Shop Boys. lol

Sunday. I did wake up at 5am. I assumed I'd get back to sleep later, and I continued reading the latest Star Trek: Enterprise novel "Last Full Measure", which I'd heard really great things about. First of all, it's set within the 3rd Season of that series, which is my favorite season of the show. Secondly, it was written by Michael A. Martin & Andy Mangels, who have written several fabulous Trek novels that I've enjoyed over the last few years ("Section 31: Rogue", "Mission Gamma: Cathedral", "Lost Era (2298): The Sundered, "Worlds of DS9, Book 2, Trill: Unjoined). They wrote the 2-part Ishtar Rising story for the ongoing Starfleet Corp of Engineers E-Book series, which will be released in paperback (#30-31) this November. They've also contributed several stories to a variety of Trek anthologies ("Prophecy & Change", "Tale of the Dominion War", "Tales from the Captain's Table) and wrote the first two novels in the Titan series ("Book 1: Taking Wing" & "Book 2: The Red King") which tell the stories of Riker & Troi on his post Nemesis command, and which I'm looking forward to reading; I already own them. I've loved most of their books because they're such good stories, in which the characters behave as the characters would on the shows that inspired them. They also have a knack for including GLBT themed characters, which I appreciate, and they make no apologies for doing so. They're also sticklers for continuity - which I also greatly appreciate. And the other reason I thought I'd really enjoy this latest Martin/Mangels novel was that I'd heard that this new Enterprise book's prologue/epilogue were added to the novel to set up the next book "The Good That Men Do", which will serve as the Enterprise relaunch novel! ;-0) All good things indeed!

Well...I never did get back to sleep, as I was completely sidetracked by my brain's inability to comprehend where the hell this new trek book takes place! lol. I know, I'm a Trekkie Geek, but that doesn't bother me. This new book has a Historian's Note in the front, which are now often carried in newer Trek books, letting the reader know exactly where the book takes place within the Trek universe - only I don't think it can possibly take place where it says that it does... So I started referenceing and cross referenceing, and I didn't even finish that because I had to eat, and do my laundry... And then I realized that I didn't have time to take a nap before work! lol I still have to figure out that Trek book - but I sat it aside while I waited for my clothes to dry, and continued reading "Magic's Price", which is as good as I remember it being.

So, I was washing all of my work clothes, and they were in the dryer, but I put them on the wrong setting, and they weren't dry when it was time to leave for work. I reset the dryer at the correct setting, and called work to let them know what was going on. Andrea aswered the phone, and told me she'd tell Heidi? I didn't know why she'd do that, since Heidi would be leaving in a few minutes, and Nate was closing the store...

When I got to work, a half an hour late, I was surprised to learn that Heidi & Nate had changed shifts, and so I'd be closing with Heidi instead, which was great news! I love Nate, but I haven't seen much of Heidi lately, so this was a welcome surprise! And working with Andrea to boot! That was all I needed to not have any stress, and not freak out at all over the lack of sleep thing, and we took care of business as it were.

I went to the McDonalds on Zeeb during my lunch, and ate inside. The cute McDonalds boy, with the makeup, and the attractive voice was there. I gave him my webpage addy weeks ago, and he'd never mentioned it to me, so I figured it freaked him out, which was fine. But he said that he'd just checked it out, and when asked he said that it didn't traumatize him; and he joked a bit about it, which was cute. That all made me feel good. Plus I now had calories to burn at the bar later. ;-0)

When I got back to work, Heidi told me that my friend Carrie Knauss had been by while I was gone, and that she'd meant to return soem of my property, which I didn't get at the time, because I didn't think Carrie had anything of mine. Later, I remembered that I'd let her borrow Season 1 & Season 2 of Hercules, and Season 1 of Xena, plus Season 1 of Justice League, so she actually has quite a lot of my property! lol I also noticed that missed a call from Jeremy, who didin't leave a message, which isn't like him. I called him back to find out what was going on, but he said he didn't leave a message because he realized he called for a stupid reason. He was going to ask me to buy him some cigarettes on my way to the bar, but he realized that if he was too lazy to get them in the first place then he really didn't want them very badly. Jeremy doesn't usually smoke, but he sometimes does while he's at a bar.

Heidi let me go just before midnight. I went to the bank to get some cash, and then headed directly to Club Divine. I'd been planning on going since last Sunday night, when I'd dropped by to see Jeremy, and then had a great time, that didn't stem soley from seeing him. But truth be told, I was extremely tired from my lack of sleep, and had considered not goiong...only as I drove down the expressway, blaring the new Pet Shop Boys music, I got my second wind, and was really jazzed about going to the club.

I've now been writing this entry for 2 hours (if you can believe that), and I'm going to take a break and get something to eat. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:41 AM
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The food break after the last entry turned into something all together different. Which I'll have to catch up to next time, as I have to go vote now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:58 PM
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   Wednesday, August 9, 2006

See the previous 2 entries to see what the fuck I'm talking about here:

When I got to the bar Sunday night, I went to say hello to Jeremy right away. It sucks that I can't visit him anywhere except when he's working. I can't just drop by his house, because that would be disrespectful of his boyfriend, Danny. I don't want to piss danny off, or hurt him, so I stay away, even though he knows all about me. The whole thing is strange, and I know this. Still there was a bit of conversation, and some shared smiles. He gave me a free drink, and I tipped him $3.00, though the drink was too strong, and I couldn't finish it.

David Grant was there again, and I said hello to him, and met his friend Caroline. We chatted briefly, but they headed off, and I was on my own, which was fine. I like going to bars by myself. It's not that I don't enjoy going with friends, but when I'm alone anything can happen, and I'm good with that. When I'm with friends, I generally concentrate on them, and it kind of defeats the purpose of being in a bar, which for me is either about losing myself in the music, or just people watching. Is that weird?

I talked to my pal Jon, who I hadn't seen in ages, and I met his friends. Their names escape me, but one of them mentioned that he was surprised that Jeremy was nice to him. Now, understand that I didn't even bring Jeremy's name up, and I couldn't imagine Jeremy being mean to anyone, so I asked what he meant, and he told me that he usually gets his hair cut by Jeremy, but that he went to someone else, and that Jeremy was known for being pissy about such things. That didn't seem like Jeremy to me; I could see it happening, but only if there was something more to it, you know? There must have been something else going on there. I mentioned it to Jeremy, and he was able to pick the guy out in the crowd, and said that of course he was nice to the guy because he's not shallow like that, though the guy's friend was - there was some kind of drama going on, and while I wanted to know what it was, I didn't think this was the time or place, and I didn't want to piss anyoone off, so I just let the whole thing slide by.

There was a stripping contest going on when I got there. I don't really enjoy strippers that much, unless I know them. I need to connect with people to get turned on, and strippers don't connect with you; not really. I knew one that did, but it was such a random thing. There was another stripper that was obviously attracted to me, but when I asked him to dance with me in the club proper, he told me that if his other customers saw him dancing with me, they'd be miffed, and he'd lose money, so he couldn't afford it. That pretty much turned me off to strippers. Plus most of the ones I've seen backstage are coked up, which, to me, seems to imply that, most of the strippers I've met, don't really enjoy their work, so what's the fricking point? Ca$h. That's what. And that doesn't interest me. It's so shallow.

So I bided my time the best way I knew how. I talked to people. I love meeting people, and talking to people, and I'm not shy about it, which usually provides me with a lot of pleasure. I met a hot, older black guy named Anthony, who had been in London that morning; he works for an airline. He was charming, and attractive, and we had a great conversation. Later I when I was dancing (during an intermission to the contest) I noticed this guy, who I thought was a great dancer; and he was really cute. Later, while standing at the bar, chatting with Anthony some more, I also started up conversation with the dancer boy, who's name was Justin. He was 24; Anthony was 36 or 38; I want to say 38. We were all talking, and having fun. I was strongly attracted to Justin, but he mentioned that he was moving to New York on Sunday, which bummed me out. While I was talking to Anthony, Justin got Jeremy's phone # and then called him to give him his phone #, which made me even more bummed, and jealous. I wasn't having fun. But I was a trooper. I asked Justin how he knew Jeremy and he said that he'd just met him (or so I thought). He asked me if I knew him and I said yes, and when he asked me how, I told him that we had been lovers, and that Jeremy was really good in bed.

The contest finally ended; sadly this isn't the last one, as Jeremy told me he thinks they will be a continued Club Divine staple. They bring out a crowd, and I'm assuming the bar makes a lot more money when a show is going on. I told Jeremy that I had seen Justin dancing and I thought he was cute. Jeremy said he was trying to figure out where he knew Justin from; said he worked at Bennigan's. Apparently when Justin called Jeremy to give him his #, it popped up on his phone as "Justin" so he knew that he had gotten his phone # before. None of this was helping me feel any better...

Later I danced with Justin. It was hot. The eye contact between us was...hot. While I was dancing with him, the image of Jeremy fucking him popped into my head, and that was (surprisingly) hot too. I saw Jeremy head into the mens room. I followed, and told him what I'd been thinking and he thought that was hot too. I was standing behind him at a urinal and started kissing his ear and neck. He said I was going to get him in trouble, and I said that I really was. He kissed me and headed back out. We talked about how hot Justin was, and I mentioned his ass, and Jeremy said he hoped to see it in person before Justin moved to New York. But since the image of them together now turned me on, it didn't bother me like before. I was having a good time.

I went back and danced with Justin some more, until it was time to close the bar. Somewhere along the way I learned I'd misheard Justin earlier and that he'd met Jeremy last week. I told him that Jeremy couldn't remember when he'd met him, and that he should tell him, as it was driving him crazy, which made him laugh. I think he was more flattered that Jeremy kind of remembered him, and wanted to remember him, than he was upset that Jeremy didn't remember him completely. He was cute like that. We both went over to Jeremy to say our goodbyes. I got a hug from Jeremy. I didn't see Anthony anywhere. I was leaning against the bar, and was kind of between Jeremy & Justin. I told Justin about the image I'd had of Jeremy fucking Justin. I just couldn't hold anything back that night, and it made me feel really good, if a bit odd. But I'm used to feeling odd. They didn't seem to mind me being there, so I stayed. I said goodnight to Jeremy, as we were being hearded to the doors. I walked ahead so Justin could say goodbye to Jeremy. And then we were outside the bar, and it was time to say goodbye.

Only we didn't. The eye contact was back. And we talked. And he was funny, and could carry a conversation, which I complimented him on. There was a really strong attraction there, at least on my part. I suddenly asked him if I could kiss him, and he said no. My face kind of fell, as I felt I'd just crossed a line, or said something really stupid. But he was just kidding with me! lol And soon we were kissing. A great kiss by the way. I liked his lips. I liked a great deal about him. And he soon revealed that he liked a great deal about me. It sucked though, because I knew he was moving on Sunday, and that he'd most likely be busy this whole week. He was having a going away party on Thursday, and invited me & Jeremy while we were in the bar, and he'd gotten my phone #.

He was walking home, and I was parked in the other direction. I was rambling outloud saying that this sucked, and that since we didn't know each other that well, he'd probably not be comfortable going somewhere to talk with me. He asked me why he'd be uncomfortable with that. I made it formal, and asked him if he'd like to go somewhere to talk, to which he said yes, and off we went.

We talked about many things, as we walked to where my car was parked. I got his full name. Justin Charles House. His birhtday is April 24, 1982. That makes him almost exactly 11 years younger than Mark, who's birthday is April 23, 1971. Mark later told me that Justin shares a birthday with our friend Don Wright, while Justin informed me that it's the same birthday as Barbara Streisand. When I first asked Justin for his full name & birthday he asked me if I was stealing his identity, and I told him that it was for the dedication to the poem that I would be writing. I'd told Justin & Jeremy that I'd be writing a poem about them; about the hot sex I imagined them having. We talked about his move to New York. He's going to work on Broadway. He told me that he was sad to be moving, because he had a lot of people that he's just geting close to, and family and stuff, but he's going there to make a career out of something he loves.

When we got to my car, we just stood there talking. I sometimes sat on the car, and still we talked. There were times when we were almost kissing, and then we'd start talking about something else. It was a lot of fun, and I was liking everything that I was hereing about him. I asked him if he wanted to sit in the car, as I wanted to lean back and relax. He said sure. And we talked for awhile longer.

It was after 3am now. I asked him what he had to do that day (as it was now Monday morning) and he said that all he had to do was get some sleep and work at 6pm. I told him I could drive him home, but that I'd really like it if he came home with me. I told him that I didn't want our conversation to end, as this might be our only chance to have this, and I was really enjoying it. He said he really enjoyed it too, and he'd come home with me. I told him that we could drop by his house to get him some clothes, as we were both very sweaty from the bar, but he said he didn't have any clean clothes, as he was about to do all his laundry. He has 5 roomies; all women. I told him that if worst came to worst he could wear some of mine.

He knew exactly where we were going, which was good, because I didn't want him to think I was taking him to the middle of nowhere; I wanted him to be comfortable. He was. The conversation just flowed so freely; it was great. He told me he thought my eyes were beautiful. He has blue eyes too. Same as me and Jeremy. All of us J's too. And he has a sibling with a J name too! That's so funny.

When we got to the condo, I gave him a very short tour, and then we both used the bathroom, which was the major reason I wanted to come home in the first place. I was very tired, as I'd been awake for nearly 24 hours, but I was also very awake, and enjoying our time together. He said he felt exactly the same way. He complimented me on at least as many things as I complimented him, and I think we both meant everything we said, which was nice. He's 8 years younger than me, but I felt like we were the same age, and he said that he got that too.

He told me about his previous sexual experiences, and who he had dated, and why they broke up, and I told him about some of mine. I told him about Jeremy, though I vagued a lot of it up, out of respect for Jeremy. I told him I love Jeremy. I didn't really hold anything back from him, that people would expect me too, and he seemed to respect that, which turned me on. I told him about my eating disorder, and physical maladies. And there was this sharing of thoughts and feelings, and it was all respectful, and given & taken freely. There was a bond forming that wasn't expected, but was greatly appreciated. He told me that he was very into monogamy, and that he'd never just gone home with anyone before. He said that he was usually very shy, and that he usually didn't talk enough. He said that he didn't usually like his picture taken. I never would have known any of that, because he didn't seem shy, and he didn't have trouble talking with me, and he didn't mind me taking his picture, as I took several; none of them are naughty, so don't ask for them! lol There were a lot of first times that night, as we mentioned more than once.

I felt gross in my clothes from the bar, and I told him I wanted to take a shower, and I asked him if he wanted to take one and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to take one with me, and he said yes. His smile was great. The shower was great. And I know this probably sounds weird, but while the shower was sexual, it was also just, genuinely friendly, and just fun, and relaxed. Erections were had, and commented on. Everything was commented on. It was just...fun. And it didn't have to be more than that...

Back in my room we just sort of sprawled on my bed, naked, and talked some more. lol We talked about how the whole night had been really random, and how this felt like a slumber party or something, which amused us both. We talked, and talked, and talked. And then there was kissing. Lots of kissing. What a great kisser he was. And he liked the way I kissed too. There was a whole connection of kissing. It was sexual, but it was innocent at the same time, if that makes any sense? The kissing eventually made way for more intense sexual play, but even when things got heavy, there was still conversation. And there was no rush to orgasm. It was like orgasms were the last things on our minds, and we were just happy to BE. There. With each other. We talked about that too, and we were completely on the same page. I told him there had been times when I'd just hooked up with people for sex, and nothing more, but that I thought that it had more to do with where I'd been emotionally at the time, than anything else, and that emotional place, was a very bad place. He seemed to really like that; said I was the first person that he'd heard acknowledg that, and he agreed.

I could right all the sexual details here. It would be easy for me to call them up in detail, but I'm not going to. We had sex, and it was great. And I wish we could have more conversations, and sex, but I'm not sure that's possible. He told me that I have to visit him in New York, and I figure he's going to visit people back here in Michigan as well, but who knows if any of that will ever happen? I don't. But I do know that I don't regret a single thing that happened with him. I'm very grateful for the time we had together, and I hope I'll always remember it.

There were a couple times where we slept, and then we'd start again. It was so relaxed, and so natural. There was so much kissing...and communication wise, we were just amazingly open, and clear. It felt like we'd been lovers for years, only everything was new...wow. We were still going at it, when it was time for Mark to get up for work. I told him that since Mark & I share a car, I'd have to drive Mark to work, so that I could have the car to drive him home.

I got Mark out of bed. I told him I had a friend over; he assumed it was Jeremy. Justin and I got dressed. There was a lot of kissing. And though I should have been exhausted, I wasn't. Justin later said that he felt the same. Mark needed to go to some banks, and asked me to come in with him, so we could see what was up with my account. They had actually charged me 5 over fees, which devoured my latest check, and still left me owing them $170.00!!!! How crazy is that? We got them to waive the latest fee, and I paid them, but that left me with no cash for groceries, but Mark said I could get $50.00 out of his account for that.

It was around 10am, when we finally got Mark to work. He took a picture of Justin and I, before he headed in. Justin & I were finally headed out to his place. I had mentione earlier that I was hungry, and he was hungry now, so he suggested we get something to eat. I stopped and got the money from the bank (the ATM was closed so I had to go in, and ended up getting $80.00 because of a mix-up in which I thought I was being clever, but it turned out I was completely retarded, and barely escaped a horrible fate. don't ask.). We went to Jimmy Johns, where I'd never been before. I got a sub; I'd never had one before. I got a sub with turkey breast, tomatos, lettice, bacon & mayo on it. I'd never had mayo or turkey before. It was pretty good, but I remembered that I hadn't taken my prilosec so I didn't eat much of it, for fear of throwing up. lol But it was cool to eat something new with him, because he knew it was all new, and he was cool with it. ;-0)

I saved the sandwich for later. I drove Justin home and there was another kiss goodbye, and another picture. He was so tired, and we'd spent as much time together as we could... And our goodbye was short and sweet. I drove to Hollywood Video to pick up my lunch that I'd left at work the night before. I took the last 4 pictures in my roll of film (Bryan, Bryan, Bryan & DJ, and the store front with my car), then dropped off the film, headed home, and took a nap.

While I slept, I put the Pet Shop Boys song "Luna Park" on repeat, at a low volume. I dreamt that I was at an amusement park with Justin. Jeremy was there, as was Mollie, and my older sister and her kids. Mark was there. Many men that I've dated or had crushes on were there, and everyone was happy. It was night time, and the clouds in the night sky were a dark purple that was very beautiful. Jeremy was walking with me & Justin. Justin & I were holding hands, and kissing, a lot, just as we had a few hours before. Jeremy seemed to like this; it made him happy to see us happy. We were all happy for each other. Eventually the dream became more surreal and sad, as the storm clouds really poured it down on us, with warm rain and angry heat lightning. People were leaving the park, but Justin and I resisted this...we stood in the storm and made out like crazy. When I woke up I thought about how cool the guy in the dream was, and then realized he was real, and I smiled.

I'd been asleep for about 2 hours. I got up and started getting dressed to go get my pictures. Mollie called me to let me know she wouldn't be able to see me on my bithday, as she now had to work. She was really upset about this, and I would have been too, except that I don't really care if I see anyone on my birthday now that I know I'm planning on this party, probably in September, where I'll hopefully get to see tons of people ;-0) I was on the phone so long with Mollie that I almost didn't make to the photo place in time to pick up my pictures. They were a good mix of pix; a few of me; a couple of Mark & Mollie; several from work, and several of Justin. I picked up Mark from work; my new scanner had arrived. We went to Meijer for some groceries; came home; set up the new scanner, and then I went to bed, around 8pm. I woke up around 10pm and considered going to Necto for goth night and new pictures, but decided I needed the sleep. I went back to sleep, without really trying, and woke up 7:30am, Tuesday morning!

I started writing in my blog, but stopped after a few hours to eat. I ate. I had more of my sandwich from Jimmy Johns. It all so new to me that I can't eat too much of it at once, but I enjoy eating it, even though it's very strange. I had an apple, and some yogert. I then realized I wanted to do some recording and work on a special project. That took most of the day, even though I didn't get it finished; I got lots done.

When Mark got home, we went to a local school and voted. It was fun. When we got home, I showed him some of the cool stuff I figured out on the computer. I'm working with a lot of new tech, and it's frustrating not knowing what I'm doing, and yet it's really cool, so it's really strange at times.

My back has been killing me. I'm hoping that it is in fact my back though and not one of my kidnys. I don't want another kidney stone. I don't want anything of the kind. lol

I worked on some more stuff, and went to the Aut Bar, really briefly, then came home and started writing this. I'm going to bed in a few minutes; I'm really tired. There are probably a lot of typos in this post.

It's now Adam Hess's birthday. Happy Birthday Adam!!!

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:55 AM
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I read 2 chapters of "Magic's Price" before trying to get some sleep. Mark has been watching the Star Wars movies; he was watching Episode III last night, and he always watches the big screen tv downstairs with the volume turned up. I had earplugs in my ears while I was reading, but I took those out so I could listen to some music. Eventually I had to sleep, and around 1am, I finally went downstairs to ask him to turn the tv down. He was asleep on the couch, so I just kissed his forehead, and shut off the tv, came upstairs and went right to sleep.

I woke up around 7:30am. Mark was getting up. He had to go in early today, because our clutch isn't working properly, and he needed to take the car in for service. I told him that regardless of what they do, he has to be home right after he gets out of work, as I have Adam's party to attend, and I might be late just going when he usually gets home. Jeremy expressed interest in going to, and then spending the night...but I haven't seen or heard from him since Monday morning, when the bar closed. I called him yesterday to ask his advice on primary election, but his phone just rang & rang & rang. I tried again about 15 minutes later, and I got his voicemail that time. Weird. Well, I hope I do see him tonight, and I get to spend time with Adam, Carrie, Mollie, and anyone else that makes it to the Lazer Tag party.

I'm so glad that I've had these 3 days off in a row. Sometimes when I have a lot of time off, I don't have anything to do, but on these days I've had far too much to do, but it's been mostly fun stuff. I need to work on Jeremy's cd. I should try to wrap Adam's presents, which I got weeks ago, before I even knew there was a party. I need to oganize a bunch of my shit. There's so much to do! Erg. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:41 AM
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I got a lot of my stuff organized. I haven't wrapped the presents yet. I got a lot of my poetry polished, and saved. That's been the bulk of my day, really. But I'm tired of staring at my computer screen. I need to take a nap or something. I need to get away from this 'dread machine'.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:49 PM
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   Thursday, August 10, 2006

This is the 2nd time I'm writing this, as my computer did something weird and lost the whole thing. I hate that! Erg.

I did get away from my comupter after the last entry. I cleaned my room, and rearranged my GLBT inclusive shelf; adding my tv shows, which were on a different shelf. I figured I'm not going to be buying many movies in the near future, so this won't cause any problems for awhile.

Mark came home early, as he wasn't feeling well, but that passed. Mark wrapped Adam's presents for me. We couldn't get the car fixed until next week because our dearlership sucks.

I met up with my friends at Zap Zone about 7:30pm. Mollie, Adam, Carrie & I were there. Adam loved his gifts (thank Joss!), and I tried to tape him with his gifts, but I couldn't because of lighting issues. Bryan was closing the store, so he couldn't be there. Robert was working until 8pm, but Chris agreed to drop by after she picked him up, and he could play, though she wasn't up to it. Jeremy was supposedly in a short meeting, but it had gone over. Then when he said he was leaving, he got caught up in more drama with Martin & Keith, and by the time he got there, MUCH later, he was not looking happy. I had called him to find out where he was, and he said he'd make it up to my friends, which they heard and then shouted out things they liked, with Mollie saying flowers. Jeremy brought Mollie a flower. I was worried about him, because he'd been having a private, serious talk with Danny, and he just looked so drained. Chris & Robert had arrived before him, and it was great seeing them!!! ;-0)

We went into Zap Zone. Before it had been filled with scary children, but that number had decreased. There were some geeks; seriously. The guy behind the counter was being visited by his girlfriend, Katie, who was really cool. They let us play with only our people, and play for an hour after they closed! It was so great of them, and we had a blast! It really cheered up Jeremy, who was really good, and he was just like a little kid in there. It made me smile. All my friends got along with Jeremy, and he liked them too, so that rocked. By the time were were done with our 4th game we soaked; it so hot in there, and we went our separate ways, as we all wanted to shower. I had to drop off Robert, and Jeremy went to get food, and we were to meet back at the condo. I dropped off Robert, though I forgot to get the money he owed me, and went to Meijer for some groceries with hopes of seeing Yvette Tower, only she wasn't there. Frank rang me up for my groceries, which I couldn't afford without my cash infusion from Robert. I used Mark's account, which didn't upset him. Frank asked if I was in a hurry, and I told him my lover was waiting for me, and he asked if that was something new, and I said no, and left him to ponder that...

Jeremy was already at the condo, and being let in by Mark, when I was just leaving the Meijer parking lot, and when I finally got home he was sitting in my bedroom watching my naked men picture screen saver as it flashed across my screen.

I have to get ready for work; I'll write the rest later.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:10 PM
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   Friday, August 11, 2006

Wednesday night, after coming home to find Jeremy in my room, we talked and talked & talked; well, after we showered anyways. It was weird. I was so hungry. I was so tired. I was so horny. I felt like I was being bitchy, but Jeremy says that I wasn't. We didn't have sex. I told him all about Justin; Jeremy wanted details, and he liked what I gave him. I told him he probably wouldn't get that from me that often; I don't connect with guys on that level on a regular basis... Jeremy told me about his latest sexual adventure. I want him to be able to tell me anything. And if it stings a little, I'm ok with that. The reason I broke up with him in the first place was that he needed me as a friend far more than he needed me as a boyfriend, if that makes any sense... Jeremy & I fell asleep around 3am. When morning forced Jeremy to leave, I walked him downstairs, and we had this physical connection, and he went down on me, which felt great. I told him that if he wanted to continue this, we should go in my room, as I didn't want to upset Mark. Or I said he could go, and we could continue it on Saturday; that it wasn't a big deal. He really needed to go, and I knew that.

I went back to sleep, and woke up without a lot of time to get ready for work, or eat or anything. Mark picked me up, and then dropped me off at work. I worked with Jeff & Bobby. Later, Matt came in. He had taken one of Andrea's shifts for extra hours, and then she showed up too, because she forgot. I got some pictures. Andrea then let slip that she's leaving us at the end of the month! Apparently everyone knew but me. :-0( It sucks. She left a little while later, and later Joe joined us. I took my lunch fairly early, and ate tons, while watching the beginning of ALIENS. I haven't actually watched the movie in years; just talked about it, and remembered it, so it was odd, actually seeing it. At the end of my shift, about 40minutes before Mark could pick me up (in the rental car the dealership was all but forced to give us), I punched out and continued with ALIENS...until Mark arrived.

He drove me back to our car, which was at his work, then I drove the rental car, while Mark drove our car to the dealership so I could drive us home. When we got home, John & Tui were out in front of their condo and we talked about the election, and politics, but my right leg, which had been hurting all day, was bugging me, so I took my leave and sat at my computer where I could read my e-mail, and then scan pictures.

When I was done with all that, I was feeling kind of depressed. I'd been thinking a lot about my hospital stay in 1992, and I couldn't get the memories out of my head. Then Justin never called about his going away party. I didn't know what to think about Jeremy. And I just wanted to be numb, but I really couldn't be. People say I'm strong, but I have weak moments like everybody else; I just have good friends, and I have my ways of dealing.

I thought seeing people would help me, so showered, and shaved, and I went to the Aut Bar. The 2nd Thursday of every month is a Euchre night at Aut Bar, and I know the players though I always miss the part where I could join in. This time was no different, but I hung out with them (Chris [25], Brendan & Andy are the ones that I know), and then my friend Robert showed up just before the Euchre buds left. I was feeling tired, so I said I was going to see if there was anybody I knew upstairs and then leave.

Jeremy was upstairs. Apparently I had just missed Kim. I called her, but she was going to bed. She's coming over on my birthday to see me, and also to get a picture of her in her new outfit taken. (if Mark is reading this, Kim sends you big kisses & hugs) This really sucked though, because I'd been there for hours at this point, and I could have been chilling with Kim & Jeremy. Jeremy was tipsy, and using the L word a lot. He told me again and again that he's not worth loving, and that he's a horrible person, and it was just so sad, and painful. I didn't back down, and I refused to leave him at the bar, as he talked about driving home, and he was in no shape for that; and he drank right up untilt he end. Apparently he and Danny were fighting yesterday, and Jeremy didn't want to go home. He told me he didn't want to hurt me but that he wanted to go home with someone and screw; someone other than me. That way he wouldn't have to think or feel, as he does with me. He pointed out the boys in the bar that he would "settle for". These were guys that he didn't think were horrible looking, but that he didn't really find attractive. He told me he loved me (again, and again) but then told me not to take it to heart. He hit on a several boys over the course of my vigil. At least one of them had hit on me earlier and while Jeremy lied through his teeth about his religion to get in bed with him, he kept looking back to me, like he felt sorry for me, having to deal with this, while he kind of egged on Jeremy, which pissed me off. Jeremy was in the bathroom with one guy (Abraham) for awhile. But I couldn't leave him. I didn't want anything bad to happen to him, and he kept asking me why not? He kept telling me to let him wrap his car around a tree. I was almost crying, but I was too determined to keep him from driving home to acknowledge the pain I was feeling. He kept screaming that I was trying to keep him from driving home, and that he just wanted to drive! But everybody at the bar, EVERYBODY...kept telling him that he shouldn't drive, and that he should let his friend take him home with him.

We stayed for awhile after the bar closed, and then I saved him from stumbling down the stairs outside! Twice! He sat down on the pavement, and refused to come home with me. He said he would sleep on the pavement. I told him that if he stayed there, then I'd have to stay there too, even though I was cold and uncomfortable. He screamed at me to leave him alone, and to stop caring about him. He said horrible things. Things I can't even repeat here. Then he said he would sleep in his car, but I didn't want to leave him there when he could just leave in 10 minutes and crash, and I'd have to feel responsible for that for the rest of my life! His bathroom buddy, Abraham, (whom Jeremy proclaimed his lust for at the top of his lungs, both in & outside the bar, much to the amusement of a gaggle of guys) helped me talk him out of driving, which was really great of him. Jeremy said he could stay at WRAP, and he would give his keys to Abraham, and that Abraham could come check on him. It was obvious that he wanted Abraham to do more than check on him. It was like I wasn't even standing there. I was invisible. Abraham got his keys from him, and told him that he'd give him the keys in the morning, then he turned to me privately and told me that I was a really great friend, and asked if I could make sure Jeremy got his car keys around 8am, and I said that it wasn't a problem. Jeremy didn't hear that I had his keys, but he sounded content to stay at WRAP, asking us to lock and close the door behind us. He sounded comfortable, and ready for bed. We left Jeremy there, and I have his keys.

Well, I wanted to be numb. Now I am. I'm so drained. Now I'm not remembering the hospital; I'm reliving it. I don't know why I don't break. I don't know why I survive. I sometimes wish that I hadn't. But is there anyone who doesn't think those things? It's just been a bad night. I should sleep. I have to be up early, after all.

I hope Jeremy will be alright.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:30 AM
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17 minutes after the last entry, I was asleep, when the phone rang. It was Jeremy & he wanted his keys. He said he was freaking out, and just needed his keys, and he needed to get home. I told him I'd come give him his keys, and then I'd drive him home, if that's where he wanted to go, but he kept insisting that he would drive. He sounded so fucked up, and I didn't know what to do. He kept talking about how Abraham had "just left him", when Abraham and I had left him together, and he'd asked us to go, and shut the locked door behind us. Just before I fell asleep, I had thought maybe that hadn't been the best thing to do, but there weren't a lot of options, and Jeremy was actually the one who suggested that he stay at WRAP for the night, and that he could give his keys to Abraham, but I think Jeremy thought that Abraham was going to stay with him, or come back and check on him. He kept going on & on about how Abraham had seduced him into staying. He sounded like a little boy, and it hurt me to hear what he was saying, and how he was saying it. I told him I'd be there in a little while.

I woke up Mark. I knew I needed help, and I wasn't afraid to ask for it. I knew that Mark cared about Jeremy; he wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him. I knew that even though Mark was asleep, and he had to work in the morning, that the sound of my voice, after crying, would rouse him to help me. I knew that Mark was detached enough that he would surrender Jeremy's keys to him, so I gave them to Mark, and asked if he could drive Jeremy's car to Jeremy's house, while I drove the rental, so that Jeremy could get home, have his car in the morning for work, and still not have to drive. Jeremy resisted the idea, a lot. But Mark stood firm, and said he was just doing the reponsible thing and helping out a friend. Jeremy rode with Mark, and I followed them. I still had that numb, exhausted feeling.

When we got to Jeremy's house, Mark & Jeremy said goodnight, then Jeremy came to me and said he wasn't upset, then said he was upset but that it didn't matter. He said he was pissed that he didn't know where his keys were, and that we had left him alone. But he practically screamed at me to leave him alone, and I told him I wouldn't as long as there was a possability that he might drive. He suggested staying at WRAP, and giving his keys to Abraham. I offered to bring him home with me so he could sleep, and I'd bring him back to his car in the morning, but he didn't want to be with me; he wanted Abraham; he told me that over & over. And when the happy compromise arrived with him telling us he was fine, and could we (Abe & I) leave, and bring him his keys at 8am, then I took it. I was so exhausted, and emotionally bruised, and he was fine with the idea, or seemed to be, and...ugh. The whole thing just hurt. I told him I did what I had to do to keep him safe, and alive. He said that he wasn't mad at us, and that we had done the right thing, and admitted that he shouldn't have driven home... He told me to thank Mark for him again. I told him to get some sleep, and left.

I told Mark that Jeremy had thanked him, and Mark said that the entire trip to his house, Jeremy had apologised, and thanked him. We talked about how worried we were about him. We talked about our pasts, and how they related to Jeremy's. Jeremy had told me earlier that we had been through so much of the same shit, but that somehow it had made me stronger, and that it had only damaged him. Mike, one of the hospital kids told me that, in relation to all the other kids, and their deaths. I was suffering some serious deja vu. I was crying. I was feeling all sorts of shit, and it was torn between feelings in the past, and feelings in the present.

When we got home, we sat in the car for awhile and talked about Mark's painful experiences with his father. It was like we were all trapped in some weird memory loop last night, and it sucked. When we went inside, I gave Mark a hug and told him to fire up the internet, as I wanted to update my blog, but then when he came upstairs, I told him I was actually going to bed, and I'd update it in the morning.

I woke up around 8:50am, when Mark was leaving for work. I had diarrhea. I think it was from the drinks I had the night before with no food. But it's possible that I have the flu, as one of the Euchre guys announced that he'd been sick for days, AFTER he had been hanging out with us for a couple of hours. Thanks Chris.

So I wrote this. It feels cold in my room, which is usually how I like it when I'm sleeping, but I feel like I can't get warm. I took one of my pills for my stomach. I'm going to go bury myself under my covers and try to not think about anything. Wish me luck with that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:32 AM
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After the last entry, I did lay down and cover up with my comforter, but I didn't stay there for long. I got up, put on some sweats, and I made myself an omelette, and made some cookies at the same time. Everything was fantastic, and I was very full when all was said & swallowed. I printed up the 11 poems I wrote for Justin, plus a letter, and put all that in a huge envelope with the 9 pictures that I took of us on Monday, and brought that with me to work.

I was about 40 minutes late for work, but I knew I was working over for at least that long, and the store wasn't busy, so I wasn't worried about it. I worked with so many shift leaders today! DJ, Bryan, Jeff, Nate & Matt were all there. Gloria stopped in, with Jamie (who works in concert with Glo). Andrea also worked today. Oh, and Jean Wiggins, a great customer, brought me a cheese cake for my birthday, because she knew that I don't like cake, but had never had cheese cake. I'll have it tomorrow at the gathering.

Mark & I went to Bennigan's after work, and I gave Justin his going away gift. He was really busy at work, so he couldn't really chat, and he seemed a bit nervous, and shy (like he told me he usually is), which sort of amused me. But I gave him all the things I meant to give him at his going away party (though I would have kissed him goodbye at the party), and we ate, and we left. And that little surprise in my life, would appear to be finished.

We went to Kroger to get snacks and stuff for the gathering. I had 2 messages on my phone that I hadn't noticed. The first was from Jeremy; he just wanted say that he was grateful for us not allowing him to drive drunk last night. And he wanted to apologise IF he'd been an asshole. The message was left around 1:50pm, when I was at work. The next message was from Mollie, and I need to talk to her now (not that talking to Mollie is a chore or anything). Speaking of Mollie, she wrote this amazing blog entry about her brother that is just stunning. You can read it on her myspace page, it's called "Monsters". Then there was also another missed call from Jeremy, on which he did not leave a message.

Ok, so back to Kroger. We ran into Nate, Pat, and Matt's wife Sara! Then Matt showed up later, and there was this woman and her family that comes into Hollywood all the time. Then I ran into Chris "Box" Taylor, who grew up a block from me. It was crazy! I tried calling Jeremy back, but he didn't answer his phone, but I left him a message. We all checked out from Kroger, and Mark & I came home, though we forgot to pick up the cheese cake from work, but we can do that tomorrow.

Now I'm ckilling in my room.

Oh! My friend Bill, who just got back from New York popped into Hollywood today as well! That was a fun conversation. He wanted me to be his date to a masquerade ball tomorrow, but I've got the whole gathering thing, so I can't. He said he'd like to take me out for a birthday drink tonight though, so I'll probably do that. I'm going to have a snack now though, and watch a movie or something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:42 PM
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   Saturday, August 12, 2006

Went to Aut Bar last night for my birthday drink with Bill. Aut Bar was dead. It was chilly out, which I didn't mind, as I was wearing my leather jacket, which I love wearing. ;-0) Bill was really late, and it was after 1am, when I got the drink. I was really tired, and I don't even remember what the drink was called, but it was yummy. It came in this tiny little glass, only it was very deceptive as there was a lot more in there then you would think. It was fun chatting with Bill. Meg was bartending. Abraham was there and we talked for a bit.

When it was time to leave, Bill asked for a kiss goodnight, and I gave him one. He said I was evil, and he'd forgotten what a good kisser I am. I met Bill the same day I met Jeremy. Then we met again months later. The timing was always wrong. Then we had this time together where the timing was right, and I just surrendered to the whole thing, and I had a great night, that I'll always remember. The timing has never been right like that again since. I wrote about that night, which you can read here.

When I got home, I made sure to eat. I didn't want to be sick in the morning. I read more of "Magic's Price"; I'm slowly, but surely continuing with the Velgarth/Valdemar books. I still haven't gotten back to that Enterprise book. On top of that, I've been aching to read some new Trek books, and I'd like to read the Dune series sometime soon.

I'm going to have a snack, and then start cleaning up the condo. People are coming over later, and I need to make room for everybody. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:25 PM
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