Sunday, April 1, 2007

While straigtening up the place for our guests, I told Mark that I thought maybe the alcohol had fallen out of the bags in the car, and he told me that he had actually given it away to our crazy nympho neighbor the previous night! I had asked him earlier if he had drank it and he simly said no, and then didn't tell me the rest. So I'd be worrying and wondering about it all fricking day. Thanks Mark.

I called Corey to say hello, and let him know that I'd solved the mystery of the disappearing alcohol. I got his voicemail though, and rambled away, like I do. I figured he was still at work.

Bryan & Chris made it over last night, though Robert did not; something about teenaged hormones exploding or something? I'm sure he'll be fine. We had a good night, talking, catching up, and playing euchre. Corey called me back and we took a break from the cards so our guests could smoke, I could talk on the phone, and I also made a really thick shake to drink; yum. Conversing with Corey was clever & fun. He's either coming over Friday night, or Saturday. He has Saturday, Sunday & Monday off. I should have Saturday & Sunday off at least. We both work on Friday. After we said goodbye (he was exhausted and wanted to unwind before bed), Bryan, Chris, Mark & I continued with our game, which was a lot of fun. Bryan & Chris couldn't stay too late though, and it was soon time to say goodbye.

One topic of discussion was Mollie. We all miss Mollie. We all really miss Mollie. Mollie was the friend that visited Bryan & Robert, and later Chris & Bryan & Robert with me the most often. In fact, Mollie & I met Chris at the same time. Bryan & company adored Mollie and made her part of the family, and everytime we see one another we're all aware that Mollie is missing.

I was really tired at this point too. That didn't stop me from talking to Mollie on the phone after missing her so much. I also passed on a message from Wendy which made Mollie laugh. Wendy wants me to reserve Friday the 13th for her & I to watch Torchwood; sounds good.

I woke up around 5am, not feeling all that well. I think I forgot to take my prilosec last night. I'm so stupid sometimes. I took a bath, and then I started reading the Voyager Mirror Universe story, which is good so far. It's by one of my all time favoriter Trek authors so I have high hopes that it's going to kick all kinds of ass. Plus, though it's a Voyager story, I know that it will 'crossover' into the DS9 Mirror stories, so it's like reading a never televised DS9 episode; way cool.

I made it back to sleep, and had dreams about eating cheese sticks! When I woke up I had a snack, and now I have cheese sticks in the oven. I should actually go check on them. I work tonight, and I have bitServe stuff to do, but beyond that I've no idea what will happen today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:43 AM
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   Monday, April 2, 2007

This entry is going to be pretty graphic. And it's going to maybe go beyond what anyone should write in an online blog where any hapless person can just stumble into it and read it without some kind of warning that it goes beyond what you would most likely read in someone's blog. A person's online, public diary seems to be about nothing more than bitch fests and gossip mongering. At least the vast majority of them seem to be like that. And the day to day rumblings, which is what I mostly have here. This one's a bit different I think. Maybe I'm upping the ante, or just crossing some line that should never be crossed; I don't know.... But for any & all - you have been warned. If you want to skip this entry which has nothing to do with my regular entries I won't be offended. lol

A lot of what I'm going to discuss here concerns my father. Some of this has been documented in other areas of my website, and if I repeat myself, forgive me. You can see him, and read some of what I've written about him here

My father, David Wright, is a bit mental, which I don't even hide from strangers. He's schizophrenic. His long time girlfriend, Jan, is also disturbed. And his whole family are a bit on the edge of madness if you ask me.

He wasn't always like this. He had a very rough childhood, mostly having to do with his father I think. Things relating to my Grandfather Wright (who's actually buried on the street where I live...Wright Street) are & have always been a bit sketchy. I've gotten the impression that my grandfather was abusive, but I never knew him. He died when my own father was just a boy; my father found him dead in a chair somewhere. Creepy, huh?

Well, my father seemed normal enough to my mother's family. He & my mom (Myra) had premarital sex, which was way more shocking back in 1969 I imagine, and my mother gave birth to my older sister Janice on August 23, 1970. My father's birthday falls on the same exact day; he was born August 23, 1952 and turned 18 the day his daughter was born. My mother was born...I want to say November 7, 1950; it's the day that I have trouble remembering, not the month or year.

I'm sorry if this is all confusing, and not written very well, but it's all sort of off the cuff. But continuing on....

My parents were later married, inside my grandmother's house. That was in 71 or 72 I think. I didn't know Janice was born before the wedding until years later when I saw a picture of her, taken at the wedding. Being raised a strict Baptist, that came as quite a surprise to me, I remember. Funny how that seems so unimportant now. lol I, for the record was born in August of 1974. I was supposed to be born on August 23rd, the same as my dad & sister, but I was born early, on August 12. You can see that I was born early, as one of my ears wasn't fully formed and I have a hole that almost looks like a piercing. I've only known one other person that had that same mark on their ear for the same reason and he was gay too. Makes me wonder. ;-0)

My father had this kind of religious conundrum. A visiting pastor apparently (who was never asked back after his disasterous message), expressed that that the unforgivable sin is to take the lord's name in vain. My father obsessed about this...and my grandmother (my mom's mom) once told me that she believed this was the start of my father's mental troubles. The thought that he may have unknowingly damned himself tormented him, and nobody could get this out of his mind...and then he started losing his mind.

My fater became extremely abusive to my mother. He became more abusive with his children as well. He wanted to make sure that we'd get to heaven. If we suffered than we'd make it into heaven, he said. There were all sorts of odd rules that we had to follow. Strict rules. I'm not even sure that he told our mother about these rules, or if he did, she may have fortton all of this. She hates talking about him, and the thought of him seems to really upset her, so maybe she remembers but doesn't want to, which I can relate to I guess. My older sister remembers very little from those years.

She doesn't remember that I ate some steak at the dinner table without permission, and that our father raped her as punishment. But she remembers next to NOTHING about those years. It's really scary, actually. I stopped eating at the dinner table after that incident, and never ate with my family at the kitchen table ever again. I stopped eating all together actually. There were foods we were allowed to eat at any time, and I stuck to those. That includes potato chips, McDonald's french fries, and other random things like soup and toast. That's literally all I ate for years. YEARS. My father raped me as well. I don't remember everything from back then, so I don't know if that was for eating something or a separate offense. I remember him hitting me, and me flying across the room. I remember him hitting our mother and having me clean up the blood aftewords.

After my father raped me, I was broken. I had trouble walking. I bled. I was brusied and inside out; I was ashamed and scared. And I hid all this from anyone that I could. I think some people must have known, but they looked the other way. They probably saw the same symptoms in my mother and sister. Just as my mother probably saw a lot of this in her children, but felt trapped, and didn't know what to do. I don't blame these people really. It was a different time, and I think these people probably wanted to help, but couldn't. I've had hemorrhoids ever since, though they've gotten a lot better since then. I get them maybe twice a year now, when they used to be a lot more common.

Anyways, my mother eventually left my father, after he put her head through a wall. Seriously. My father had been diagnosed by that time I think. He had some pretty crazy incidents. He was hospitalized, and my mom tried to work things out with him; said they could work it all out if he'd just stay on his medication, but he didn't, and that was that. Every once in awhile he'd do something crazy and it was back to the hospital for him. Once he walked from his home in ypsi, to our house in Mooreville, at night, naked. Another time, years later on one of his monthly visits, he told Janice & I that he was going to have his testicles removed, that he was going to die and that he was going to come live with us, with my mom & my step-dad. I knew exactly what he was talking about, but pretended I didn't...I don't know why. I remember Janice crying, and telling our grandmother that dad had stopped taking his meds again, and when Grandma pushed Janice for details, she glossed over what he'd said, saying that he'd said that he was going to suffer so that he could come live with us.

Most of the time, after the divorce, he was mostly ok. When he takes his meds he's alright. He's still completely insane, but the meds allow him to be somewhat normal? He just goes off on tangents though, and it's probably really scary for people who haven't been around it their entire lives. I've met many 'crazy' people over the years who sound just like my dad, and I know it's an illness now, and people have often said that I've dealt with those kinds of people really well, but I had to deal with that all the time growing up.

When I came out of the closet, years later, quite a few people, Janice among them, seemed to think I was gay because of what my father had done. I find this horribly insulting. Like I'm gay because my dad turned me on to cock. My response to that was "Is that why Janice is striaght?". I just found all of that nonsense to be really wrong, and insulting. It actually made me hate a lot of trusted family members for a really long time.

When my hemorrhoids 'flare up' or whatever...I'm in constant pain, and it's like this horrific reminder of what I survived. It's like I'm still reliving it again and again. It's gotten less traumatic over the years. People know that I have them, and what happened to me. My boss knows, and my family, and Mark & Mollie, and even Corey knows. It really sucks though, because...I like anal sex. lol I really like to get fucked, and I can't do that when I'm this way. This whole topic is something I think people probably don't want to hear, but I want to talk about it, so I am.

And some people ask me why I allow myself to get fucked, because supposedly this can set them off, which is true to a point. If I get a lot of unlubricated action that can get them going...which I'm pretty good at avoding. But there's this part of me that feels like if I let what my father did to me kill my pleasure, then I didn't really survive it at all then. I mean, if I let this horrible thing ruin something that brings me joy, then why did I surive at all? It probably sounds all kinds of twisted, but that's how I feel.

So...I'm in pain right now. I'm pretty sure I know why. I... I just, I guess I feel, that at times like these I'm being haunted by my past, and I can't break free from it, and it depresses me a little. I swear, that mostly I'm over it. But there's this part of me that is just so angry about it that I find myself wanting to scream. And it's probably good that my dad isn't around at these times. My dad hasn't been violent in decades; he's kind of like a lost child himself. And it's like impossible to hate him, because the guy that did this to me pretty much died years ago, and now there's just this shell of man in his place. So I'm left with no one to vent on. And so I wrote it here. Hope this wasn't too vile.

Oh, and for the record, I really like to Top as well ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:26 PM
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   Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Luke (Lucas) just called me. He's moved to Adrian, Michigan. He's going back to school. He's doing all these great things. This is all fantastic. He asked me what was new with me, and I told him about my job, which he thought was cool. He sounded really happy, and excited to be talking to me, and I was just kind of shocked that he had called at all. I haven't even seen him in over a month, and when I broke things off with him, I didn't think he'd ever talk to me again. Especially since he was already avoiding me, and only contatcted me after some time had passed, and I wrote out my feelings in a poem that I sent him a link to. He apologised to me then, for lying to me and stuff, and I accepted it. I accepted it and moved on, and I sincerely wished him well...which is maybe why he called me.

Then I told him about my date with Corey, and that I was seeing him again. And everything changed. He said he had to go. He sounded like he was going to cry. He said that he was surprised, but that he shouldn't be because I'm wonderful. He said he was sorry that he fucked everything up. I was still in shock, and that shock was just getting more and more pronounced. He had obviously called to get back together with me, which I never expected in a million years. I didn't know what to say, except that I was really flattered, and that if he was here I'd give him a big hug. And that we could be friends. He sounded like he wanted to get off the phone really bad, so I let him go. Now I feel weird. I hope he's ok.

About Corey. We visited with his ex-bf on our last date, which was fine, but weird. Now we've got plans for this Saturday, and he wants to visit his ex again. Isn't that strange? It's strange. It feels strange. But they are friends. And I live with an ex, so I understand that being strange. Of course, Corey lives with another ex, so it's already strange on both sides. He asked if it was cool that we go see the ex again, and I didn't want to say no, but maybe I should have? I don't know. This ex, and he dated for like 5 years, and I think he was Corey's first official boyfriend. They sounded like old friends at the bar, but it kind of felt like maybe they had unfinished business there. I don't know. In my experience, boys hook up with their ex-bfs when they're supposed to be with me (Travis), so I've had some bad experiences in these typse of scenarios. I don't know. Maybe I'll invite some friends along, or I'll just stay home and they can go party. I don't know. It's on my mind though. And I don't like it. I don't like the scenario in general, but I also don't like that it bothers me, when it could be nothing.

Men are strange.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:49 AM
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I woke up around 10 minutes ago with the worst headache. I got up, took my meds, woke Mark up because he was already late for work, and started brushing my teeth. Mark got up and tried to turn the light on. Lights and headaches do NOT go together, especially in there, where there are 3 bright bulbs next to 2 mirrors. I stopped him, and told him I'd turn them on when I was done. And he wouldn't get in the shower and start showering until after the light was on, which I thought was odd...but maybe that's just the throbbing pain in my head.

I know Mark is going to want me to drive him to work, but that's so not going to happen. I'm going to set my alarm and go to bed. If Mark can't switch the car with me today that's fine...If DJ is working he loves to come get me.

I just checked and the first 2 seasons of the new Doctor Who should defintely be here today...though I'll probably be at work when they arrive.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:26 AM
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I just got up to get ready for work. My headache is gone. I'm ever so grateful for those pills. Medicine is a wonderful thing.

I'm thinking that April will be my month to save money. I have all sorts of things preordered throughout the year, and I just spent some cash I didn't need to, to kind of celebrate my new job's paycheck. And I'm sending a check out to a friend as well, but besides that I'm going to try to not order anything online this month. No I-Tunes, Amazon, anything. Just food and essentials. That's my goal anyways.

I need to eat and get ready for work now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:41 AM
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Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? I mean...really looked at yourself, and saw yourself for who you are? Or maybe just what the world sees, but you never have. I just did that. I just looked at myself in a mirror and it was like I'd never seen myself before.

I'm a grown man. I'm remarkable. I don't mean to sound vain, because what I'm saying is that everyone is remarkable, and I don't know that any of us really see that. I'm a grown man.

My father jumped off of a parker garage a few years ago. I've never once wondered what it was that made him do it. I mean, he's crazy after all, but something changed for me when he did that. I've never thought about this before... But part of me hopes that the reason he jumped was that some part of him suddenly saw what he'd done to his children. Saw what he'd done to me. How I'm damaged. And he wanted to die. I can't touch the part of him that was the monster from my youth; it's never around when I see him. I hope the man I know now threw himself off that buliding to kill the man I can't hurt. I'm glad he jumped. I'm so glad he jumped. But I'm glad this other guy survived. Does that make any sense? I don't really care if it does or not, I guess. It's a feeling, and feelings don't always make sense.

I'm alive. I survived such horrible things. And I'm remarkable.

When I met Mark Adams, years and years ago now... I ate almost nothing. And I hated being alive. And there wasn't a single date we went on that I didn't cry. Can you imagine that? Mark didn't care. He saw in me, what I just saw in the mirror for the first time in my entire life. He saw through all the pain and bullshit and knew that I was remarkable, and he's never stopped telling me that I was. And I've never really believed it before.

I know Mark & I aren't ever going to be a couple again. There's too much that's wrong with us, between us, for that. But when people look at us, and wonder why we are so close and why we haven't parted, though the boyfriend relationship between us has ended...it's because he saved my life on more levels than anyone probably knows. He knew I was remarkable and wouldn't let me die, and wouldn't let me go until I could know that too. And I'm grateful.

Thank you Mark.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:48 PM
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My Doctor Who dvds arrived today. I'm really psyched about them, because I've never seen this episode come in really great, and it's my favorite one: The Girl In The Fireplace. Then there's also a deleted scene in the episode "The Age of Steel" that reveals that 2 male characters were boyfriends, just as I suspected they were. And beyond all that, there's the fact that as a bonus feature, the dvd carries the Children In Need Special, which is like a 7 minute scene that takes place between season 1 & the first Christmas Special - which I've never seen before, and had no idea would be included on the dvd. I'm waiting for Mark to get home from Meijer so we can watch that part together.

I have to do bitServe work later. Working at Hollywood was mostly fun today, besides the nightmare of implementing corporate's new rental policies. Blah. I rewatched "A Touch of Pink" today, which I enjoyed. And I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but I watched the new live action Charlotte's Web Sunday night, which I also enjoyed.

Mark is home; I'm going to go watch that Doctor Who Special now ;-0)

Oh...and I had a fun texting with Corey earlier too. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:38 PM
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Have you ever gone out with a loser? Like...a deranged person? And you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but then they're just playing with you? It seems to happen to me again and again. It doesn't seem to bother me anymore, which I suppose could be bad, but I feel in my case that it's probably very good.

Luke called again. This time he claimed to be in Ann Arbor. He said he really wanted to talk to me. That maybe we could hang out and talk. I'd been worried about him since the call yesterday in which he seemed to be crying... But I had work to do, and I didn't really feel like going out. Also, he sounded really stoned. But I figured it wouldn't hurt to get outside for a little while. I knew I didn't want him at the condo. He said he was wandering around by East Quad, which is next to Pizza House so I told him to meet me there. I showered and drove out there; not dressing up or shaving or anything I would have done if it was something other than a random in-person conversation. But he wasn't there when I got there. I called him, and he said he was 2 minutes away. I got a table. I called him again after 5 minutes and he didn't answer his phone; I left a message saying if he wasn't there in 10 minutes that I would leave. I called Mollie, and I knew as I was calling her that I was being stood up again. I told her the story, and we laughed at the sheer absurdity of this boy's behavior! And I feel for it again, which should leave me angry or hurt or something...and I just don't care anymore. Plus I wanted to leave as the waitress for my table is an utter bitch. So I ended up not even staying for the 10 minutes I said I'd wait. I called him again as I was leaving to tell him that I had left and that if he was watching, or at home or whatever that he had provided me with a moment's amusement and I came home. lol

This is my life sometimes. I try to give people more than one chance. And he always seems sincere when he calls, and makes plans. I think he must get off on people making plans with him, and then not following through on it. I don't know why. I don't really care why. I just know he's completely fucked in the head. I feel bad for him. I know that he does this to other people too. It will never happen to me again. I can only go so far...you know? This last time wasn't painful or worth getting upset about. Sure, I took time out to try to help a guy who didn't even show up, and maybe never intended to, but it was a really nice night for a drive, and then a walk. I enjoyed leaving the bitch waitress without ordering anything. I got to laugh with Mollie, and later Mark, about the whole thing. And got all of that while trying to do something good. He's an ass, but I've lost nothing. I'm really proud of myself. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:07 PM
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   Thursday, April 12, 2007

I really need to update my blog on the last week's events, but I don't have time right now. I'll maybe do that tonight, though I'll be really busy. I'm eating while I type this, which isn't easy, but necessary if I'm going to get this posted. I have to work 1-5:30pm. Then I need to pick up Mark from work at 6pm, get some pizza and get home so we can be here when Wendy gets here at 7pm so we can finish off Torchwood before she leaves Michigan forever. :-0( Oh well.

I've been dancing around my room to about 20 new mashups ;-0) I'm in a really good mood, but I have to finish eating, and shower and dress. I swear I'll update this thing eventually. I updated a ton of stuff on my webpage yesterday, and I want to do more soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:04 PM
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   Sunday, April 15, 2007

Ok. Let's see if I can't get something of an update going on here. I know I'm going to miss lots of stuff because I haven't been writing but maybe I'll get most of the important stuff? Here goes.

Let's see. Work has been going well. Still learning a lot at Bitserve. The busniess actually isn't going that well, and if it's going to get better, I'm going to have to do a lot more work, which isn't something I signed up for; stuff that I can't stand doing, and will most likely make the job a new kind of hell. But hopefully something will change in that arena and things will get better without the universe imploding. ;-0)

Work at Hollywood is the same. Mostly fun, depending on who I'm ringing up. And by the way, Thursday & Friday I had like ZERO horrible customers; everyone rocked! It was a whole new level of fun.

Boys.

I still haven't heard from Lucas, and I don't really want to.

I'm still seeing Corey, though he doesn't want a relationship, which is fine at the moment. Hopefully that won't be problematic later. But for the record, the sex with Corey is really great. ;-0)

Bobby Mushroe & I are chatting it up again, which is good. We may hang out soon, which would rock.

I'm still texting with the cute goth boy from Necto (Kristopher). We're slowly getting to know each other which is nice.

And I'm still meeting all kinds of wacky people across the globe on gay.com

And I tested NEGATIVE for HIV last week.

My webpage.

I've been updating all kinds of things on my webpage. Things that I've been wanting to update for ages now. And I'm adding tons more. Everything is becoming more graphic, which I like. It feels scary and brave & all sorts of other things. I'm so very odd.

I picked up Corey on Saturday the 7th, and he stayed until the 8th. Saturday night we had originally planned on a Euchre night with his ex-bf Ian, and my ex-gf Jennifer. Ian actually hung out with him Friday night, so we needed another player. Everyone had plans, but then I got my friend Bill to come over. Then Jennifer didn't make it because she totalled her car!?! That's when my night started falling apart. I was so worried about her, and then nothing was really truly fun after that. It was really surreal; like the whole mess was a bad, bad nightmare. Not the least of which was the moment, when it was revealed that Bill's sometimes lover Justin (who was a total ass the one time that I met him) had slept with Corey 3 months prior, and then they all started texting each other going on 20 minutes, while I sat there, in my condo, being completely ignored. Oh...and I got to hear all about Justin's penis. That was fun. Only so not. Eww. And somewhere in there Bill got Corey's number, which I somehow missed until later.

Sunday the 8th went a lot better, though I felt kind of bruised. Figuratively.

Most of the week after was me trying to recover. I tried calling Jennifer but there was no answer. I still don't know how she's doing.

Mollie had a job interview on Thursday. She also got the care package that Mark & I sent her. And her mother had another heart attack. She's doing better, I guess.

Mark & I got pizza after work, and I traded flirtatious barbs with the cute boy that works there. The one who gives good hugs. ;-0)

Wendy came over Thursday night and we watched the final 5 episodes of Torchwood Season 1. It was 11pm, so she watched the 7 minute Children in Need special, the Comic Relief Catherine Tate skit, and The Runaway Bride Christmas Special. She went back to Ohio this weekend, but just to have her car checked out, and to look for work. She'll be back tomorrow I think, and she hopes to find the time to watch the 3 new Doctor Who episodes. I love me some Wendy.

I drove out to Corey's work yesterday to surprise him, which worked. I saw his roomie, and ex-bf Michael, though we didn't speak. They look like brothers. My stomach started imploding around the time we got to his place, which is cat infested, and I didn't stay long. He had plans with another boy from online, who got in a bad car wreck recently, so Corey said he'd come over and make him dinner. I felt sick the rest of the night. I'm not sure what that was about.

There was a new Doctor Who on yesterday after all. There had been some talk of delaying it until next week, but thankfully that didn't happen. Mark & I watched the new one together, which featured a return to New New York on New Earth, with the Cat People and the Face of Boe. All these episodes LOOKED stupid in the previews, but I've really been enjoying them so far. :-0)

I have to shave and shower and get ready for work. I work 7pm-12:30am tonight. I have Monday, Wednesday & Saturday off this week.

It's now April 15, and I haven't ordered anything online this month. That's unheard of. Go Me! But that will end tomorrow, as I'm order Mark a birthday present (his birthday is April 23), and I'm getting some stuff for Mollie too, which I'll discuss in my next entry, as she's given me permission to tell her very funny story, but I don't have the time for it right now.

So that's basically what's been going on. I'm sure there are a million other things that happened, that I'm not remembering, but I'm kind of good with that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:02 PM
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   Monday, April 16, 2007

Work was busy last night, but I had a blast. I flirted with Caesars boy again. I tried going to Club Divine afterwards, but they closed down Sunday Nights 3 weeks ago. Some friends saved me from a mugger. Seriously. And I made it home safe and sound. I had a fantastic chat with Corey. We're dating. Casually. Not commited, but we're not having sex with other people. I'm cool with that. Oh, and Mark likes Corey, and thinks he's cuter than a lot of guys that I date. lol

I watched The Oh In Ohio last night. It made me smile. I might buy a used copy from work (that's how I got mine) for Mollie's next care package. Speaking of which, I bought her some stuff for that today, along with Mark's birthday present. I told myself I wasn't going to be ording anything this month, but I made this exception for my friends, and that's ok in my book (though I probably spent too much anyways) - it's different when it's not for me, if that makes any sense.

I should probably work on my webpage, but I'm not feeling very inspired at the moment. Perhaps I will be later?

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:24 PM
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   Thursday, April 19, 2007

I got Wendy to meet me at Necto Monday night, where we had a blast. I got slightly buzzed. I had 4 drinks, which is a bit more than my usual 1 or 2. I had so much fun. Wendy thanked me for taking her out, and all was right with the world.

Tuesday it was really nice outside, and I'm guessing this is why it was dead at work. I had something resembling a hangover, but I recovered soon enough, and the day was another round of fun. I got back to reading Harry Potter. I chatted a lot. I've had great conversations with Mollie all week.

Wednesday I slept. I texted with Kristopher, and secrets were shared. We'll be hanging out sometime soon. I also met this guy online named Danny, who had a bunch in common with me, not the least of which was our obvious attraction to each other. lol But of course I'm seeing Corey, and Danny is married to his man. But Danny found out that his man has been cheating on him; he found this out over Easter weekend. So I just want to hug the guy. We might hang out as well. He seems cool, and I'm all about making friends lately.

I talked to Lucas tonight. We have an understanding that he fucked up, and that I don't trust him. I don't count on him for anything, but conversation is appreciated. I also talked to Corey briefly, which is good since the fucker forgot about our plans for next week, and tried to cancel plans with me that we never made. He's goign to hang out with another ex-bf. He's worse than me. lol

I'm very tired, but I have a sty in my left eye, and I've been putting hot compresses on it. Hopefully it will be gone before the morning and I can sleep, and go to work. If it doesn't fade, I might have to call in, either so I can sleep, or so I can continue with the compresses. We'll see.

I did something bad. I spent some money. I didn't mean to. I was at I Tunes listening to some music, and I accidentally hit this button and I downloaded a bunch of music that I didn't intend to download. The thing is, it's music that I wanted, but it really was an accident. I was pissed at first, but then I started listening to it, and it just rocks ;-0) So...I'm just gonna enjoy it, and not worry about it. I've been really good this month about spending money, having curbed my spending in almost every area, even though I'm making more money than ever before.

I'm getting away from the computer now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:18 AM
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   Monday, April 23, 2007

I didn't get much sleep Friday morning. A lot of that was my fault, lol. But there were other factors. When I did finally lay down and start reading, as I often do before falling asleep, I got a call from Corey, who was extremely tired, and driving home from a party. I stayed on the phone with him, so that he wouldn't fall asleep and die. He said the party was kind of a bust, with lots of drama, including some guy calling him a whore, and then asking Corey to cuddle with him. And when Corey finally made it home, he found his ex-bf & current roomie had a boy over, which is against their rules of home brand conduct. So... lots of drama there. I think I ended up getting 3 hours sleep.

Sometime last week; possibly Friday morning, I started in on Harry Potter 4 again. I had given reading a break for about 3 weeks, but I'm back to the constant reading thing, and I love it. It kind of sucks though, because I'd like to just go on reading Harry Potter, but I only have 2 more books after this one (which I'll surely finish within the next 48 hours), and there are just under 3 months until the final book is released. erg.

Work on Friday was fun, but I was exhausted. I did get to work with DJ for a while though, and that was great, as I hadn't seen him in a while. I also so Chris, when she came to pick up Bryan. I went to McDonalds, but not because I was craving anything from there; just to see Robert at work. He looks extra young in those uniforms, which amused me.

After work, picked up Mark, and came straight home to do some cleaning, and then shave/shower. Wendy was a little late getting to the condo which was fine. We chatted awhile, and then watched the 3 most recent Doctor Who episodes. She also watched a Confidential episode, and then the pilot episode for the Sarah Jane Adventures. While she was watching those; I was getting ready to go to Necto.

When we got to Necto, after a trip to the ATM, I got us in for free, and we ran into my ex-bf Paul from Staples, and his boyfriend who had just turned 18 on Friday, and could therefor go to the club. Wendy worked at Staples with Paul, so she knos him too. Paul and his boyfriend were cute together, and we enjoyed chatting with them. I also ran into my ex-bf Franklin, who met Paul as well. Franklin insisted he needed to talk to me, and that we'd talk later. All through the night people told me Franklin was looking for me.

I got to see Robert which was glorious, as always. He gave me a shout out at the end of the night, though I think Wendy was the only person to notice this. lol He usually uses my last night, and nobody at the bar knows it. lol Bobby Mushroe and a bunch of Wendy's other friends, including the cunt who insists that I'm creepy (behind my back, no less) were all there. Wendy spent some time with them, while I wandered. I saw Scott, and Keevan; I met a circle of Keevan's Friends: Ryan, Michael, Justin, and there may have been another Michael in there, or a Jason. lol I was tipsy at that point, as Wendy and I had 3 Cream Bombs. I made sure I gave eveyone hugs though.

Franklin did eventually talk to me, though he was really strung out. He told me that he dumped the boyfriend I met last time I saw him. He said that he broke up with him in December as a Christmas present to himself, and that he's getting his shit together. He's moving to Belleville to live with his mother; says that she needs him. He said that he misses me, and that this was really important. And that he'd like to hang out sometime in the future. The way he said this stuff, it sounded like it was hard for him to tell me, but he's actually said this everytime I've seen him. Then he says he'll call the next day, and he doesn't. I called him on it this time. And of course, he didn't call. And I wasn't surprised or hurt or anything.

I met this guy online on Thursday or Friday or something. His name was Bryan, and we had the same middle name. He was really nice to me, and really bummed that I'm 'dating' someone. I told him we could hang out and stuff, and just get to know each other, and then he disappeared. I tracked him down, online on Saturday, and he called me, but then he turned out to be a major asshole. He freaked out when he heard about my webpage being 'gothboy' and was extra judgmental, when he doesn't even know me!?! I haven't experienced that kind of ignorance in years. Seriously. I don't even want to repeat here some of the horrible things he said. He also told me stories about kids that he teaches (he teaches preschool), and I hope he was lying in some vain hope of impressing me, because the stories just made me glad that I don't have relatives being taught by him. Then, when found a picture of Franklin on my website, he told me that he had tried to date Franklin, and then started talking shit about him. All combined, it was like 3 strikes and he was out. Ew. I asked him if I could call him back, while I took a breather, as I was really pissed. When I called him back, he was more pissy then before, and trying to chat up a 'friend' on gay.com, who was ignoring him (I wonder why?) - to get a ride to Backstreet. I told him he was rude; that he was a dick, and that I really didn't want to spend any time with him. And that was that.

I chatted with this guy Jason, whom I tried to date a few months ago, back in January. He had some major self image issues that made it impossible for us to continue, and I called it quits. Anyways, he sent me a message, and I messaged him back, and it went on that way for a few hours. It was nice, and we got to chat about stuff, and I hope we can be friends. We had a lot of stuff in common that a lot of my friends are known for, so that could rock.

I thought about calling Corey, but I didn't want to bother him. We chatted on Yahoo a bit after that, and he said that I never bother him. We miss each other. We're looking forward to hanging out this week (Wednesday & Thursday). And I told him that as I get to know the other men that like me, and I find out how insane they are (referring to Bryan), they really force me to appreciate Corey on a new level. He thought that was sweet.

I stayed in Saturday night. I played more Marvel Ultimate Alliance, which I'm about half done with on the hardest setting. I read Harry Potter. I talked to Mollie on the phone, and watched the new Doctor Who with Mark. It was a good night.

Sunday I listened to a lot of music. Read a lot of Harry Potter. Went to work, which was kind of busy with returns and stuff. Mangaged to slice my fingertips open twice, and I hurt my back, somehow. At least I'm hoping I hurt my back. If I didn't, then it might be a sign that I'm having a kidney stone, which would suck beyond the telling of it around now. I'm drinking TONS of water & cranberry juice as a precaution. I also went to Little Caesars, where the guy I flirt with complimented me on my gray leopard print jacket. So gay. lol

I went grocery shopping after work, and also got Mark some flowers, a card, and some wrapping paper for his birthday presents; today is his birthday; he's 36, so if you see him, please tell him happy birthday. The Mark supplies were more expensive than expected, and I spent most of my grocery money on him. Oh well; easy come, easy go.

When I got home, I put away the groceries I got; most of it liquids to deal with my kidney stone fear. lol Then I read my e-mail, and dived back into Harry Potter. I read about 200 pages, and chatted with Mollie on the phone. She's back to watching Buffy, and she's jamming through seasons. On Friday she was at the end of Season 2, and she's now at the end of Season 4, which she says is her current favorite, as it's the only one to make her cry ("New Moon Rising" - when Willow says goodbye to Oz). Some of the episodes; she hasn't seen in years, so she's having a lot of fun, but they don't have ANGEL, so she's seeing all the crossover episodes, soley from Buffy's perspective, and it's weird for her, which I can understand. I wish I could loan her all of ANGEL, but even if I did, at the rate she's going, she'll be done with Buffy before I could get it to her! lol

Just before Mollie called me, I watched the new International Trailer for Harry Potter 5, and the movie looks awesome! I'm really excited about it now. I told Mollie all about it as well. The trailer that I saw wasn't very good quality wise, so I'm looking forward to seeing it again in hi-def. Hopefully we'll find that soon!

Spider-Man 3 opens a week from this Friday.

I passed out this morning after having read a disturbing amount of Harry Potter; I have about 160 pages left I think. Mark came in before work and asked if the flowers were for him, and thanked me. I need to wrap his presents now, and maybe read some more Harry Potter. Or maybe just chill. I don't know. I really just woke up a short time ago, and maybe I'll just read the news or something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:19 PM
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I gave Mark his presents and he enjoyed them, and thanked me for getting him gifts, and helping him out lately. He said that I've made his life a lot more enjoyable of late. I've been cleaning the kitchen regularly, and I helped him move back into his room, and helped him with Bitserve. He said that I've helped lower his stress. That felt good to hear.

Mark wanted to go to Red Robin for his birthday, so off we went. Bill Saunders was there and eventually joined us. Mark likes talking to Bill, and we had a good time. When we got home, I called Corey, as I said I would, and we chatted briefly. He's exhausted, and this week is going to be busy. Hopefully he'll survive, and we'll have fun when he visits on Wednesday.

I'm kind of sleepy. I'm kind of horny. I'm kind of thirsty. I'm kind of tired of writing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:33 PM
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   Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I haven't read any Harry Potter tonight. My acid is kind of out of control, which doesn't really make much sense. I've been watching movie trailers. "Evening" looks good. The new Halloween remake looks like it has potential. Die Hard IV looks way better than I ever thought it could, and actually makes me want to see the first 3. I've seen most of part 1, all of 2, and none of 3. This year seems like the year of big movies. Hopefully some of them will be great. The new Bourne movie looks good, and I'm extra excited about it now that I know the director is back from the last one.

I exchanged some e-mails with this guy I met the 2nd time I saw Kristopher. At least I think that's where I met him. Friends are good. Oh, and I got an e-mail from some guy who asked if I met him Friday night at Necto, and I honestly don't know if I did or not. I wonder how he tracked me down though? He contacted me through my myspace page. Weird. Seems nice enough though.

Blah. I'm tired, but laying down could be painful about now. Oh well.

Mark seemed to enjoy his birthday. That's all I wanted for yesterday. Maybe I'll get some reading done after all.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:27 AM
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   Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I finished reading Harry Potter 4 last night. I'll probably read the fifth book sooner, rather than later. It's probably best that I don't read it just before seeing the film, so I'm planning on starting that one, and then delaying the reading of book 6, which is fine, as that book has been described by the author as Part I of a 2 part finale.

I watched Happy Feet with Mark last night. It was enjoyable, though very odd. Corey called me during the movie, and we talked about him coming over today. I reminded him that he should return my Doctor Who dvds that he borrowed last time, as Bill wants to borrow them. Also...I only just got them (after paying an annoying amout of cash for them), and haven't had a chance to enjoy them yet myself. Corey said that it was really good that I'd reminded him, as he'd have forgotten. But then he couldn't find them. He said he'd call me back.

I went to bed around 6am. I woke up around 1:30pm. There were text messages, yahoo messenger messages, and a voicemail from Corey saying that he couldn't find the discs and that instead of coming over as we'd planned he's going to go home and raise hell until he finds them. His roomies apparently moved all his stuff, and he's really pissed off about this. He wants to get it sorted, I'm sure. It's just very disappointing, as I've been looking forward to this all week. And now, I'm not seeing Corey this week, and my plans have all kind of gone to shit, and I've got that weird worry feeling about the dvds... And I'm left feeling kind of shell shocked, as this isn't what I expected to experience waking up today.

I was going to clean today, and find out if we could go to a friend's art show. That show ends on Saturday, so we definitely won't be seeing it together now. I suck at making plans, but I was hoping things would be different this time. Oh well. I told Corey once that I didn't like to plan things because they always fell apart and then I was disappointed, but he said he likes to have a plan...maybe this will demonstrate my point of view?

Oh. Whatever. This is stupid. lol

Mollie left me a message today, saying she'd be cashing the check I sent her after all, for rent. I'm glad it's coming in useful to her, but worried that she had to use it for rent. That can only mean trouble. I called her to assure her that the check would go through, and asked if she was ok. She said that she was, but said goodbye right after that...leaving me worried.

Disappointment & worry; that's what today has been.

But enough. I'm going to eat. And then I'm going to clean. And shave & shower. Or maybe not shave... Maybe I'll rent some porn tonight. It's been far too long. lol I don't know. Maybe I'll just do lots of random things. It doesn't look very nice out though. Oh well.

I'll just keep passing those open windows.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:18 PM
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   Friday, April 27, 2007

Wednesday & Thursday were mostly let downs. Pretty much everything I planned for those days, even in the short term, were spoiled by one thing or another. Plus, Mollie had a bad couple of days, as did Mark, and Wendy got sick. I did manage to keep a smile on my face through most of that; kept rollling with the punches as it were, and I watched Happy Feet, Die Hard, and the start of Casino Royale in there...only to wake up today with the flu, or flu like symptoms. I ache all over... and I'll be dehydrated rather quickly if I don't get some of this water to stay down. I think I might be running a fever; I can't get comfortable. I was supposed to drive Mark to work this morning, but that's not going to happen now. I only just woke up around 30 minutes ago; if my symptoms don't disolve before 9:30 I'll call into work. It's not worth leaving the house feeling like this.

Yep. Having a great week.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:37 AM
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   Saturday, April 28, 2007

I was so sick yesterday morning. The perfect ending to the perfectly awful week. I didn't even realize I had a fever until hours later when it finally broke. I just knew I was sick, and not comfortable. I couldn't lay down, or watch a movie or read. It was just...not fun. I didn't go into work. I couldn't find my phone and was freaking out, but then I contacted Mark online who'd seen me before leaving for work, and he called in for me. Matt was working and said he'd take care of things. That bummed me out too, because I don't work with Matt that often, and he's fun. lol

Anyways...the day was mostly horrible. I chatted with some new people online after the fever broke. I think I made some new friends: Dean & Andrew. Friends are good.

Thursday night, I left Corey this long rambly message...the way that I do. And he left me one on Friday. It made me smile. He had a terrible day too, though I don't know what happened with him. He's planning on coming over Sunday night.

I had a dream that my father was here. And he was just sitting in my room. I walked up to him, and kneeled down...and I put my hands on his face and he started crying. I don't know what this means, but it stirred up lots of feelings. I updated my myspace profile with the new Tori song: Father's Son and put up one of the pictures of me & my dad. I also looked at the page that I made for him, which kind of impressed me, as I don't remember updating it. I think it kind of rocks.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:31 AM
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   Monday, April 30, 2007

Saturday didn't go that well either. I stayed in, and just tried to feel better. I just felt off the whole day.

There was some good news on Saturday: Mollie got a job!!! ;-0) I'm so happy for her, because she's had a terrible time finding work in Hell or Tennessee or wherever she ended up. This is very good news, and not just for her; so many of her friends back home have been worried about her and this helps us all breathe a sigh of relief I think. ;-0) Plus she got a job at Little Caesars, which means if I ever visit her I'll get my favorite pizza, made the way I like it. lol Mark, Bryan & I have all worked at Litte Caesars before as well, so we can all trade stories.

I had a long, interesting talk with Shawn Foreman Saturday night. I'm worried about him, but when aren't I? I just hope he'll be happy. That's all I've ever really wanted for him though.

Sunday I slept very well. I had to run an errand in Ypsi before work, so I was a bit late, but I made sure to sell lots of Play Guards and a few bundles. I also had the best Litte Caesars Pizza. yum. Flirted with Alan, as always. I got in a good one, which others noticed, and it was all good fun. ;-0)

Mark & Corey came to see me at work. We were slammed with returns. There was one annoying customer, but almost all the others were so cool that they just made everything better.

Corey dropped a bomb on me at work. But we talked it out, and we're good. I mean...I think we are. But who knows? We seem to be. He's asleep in my bed right now. We're going to go get tested together soon, which I'm actually looking forward to; is that weird? lol

Corey has this long drive he has to take with a friend to get another friend; he'll be doing that today, then coming back tonight. We're going to go to Necto. I'm looking forward to it.

Things this week seem to be going better than last week, which I'm very grateful for. Now, I'm going to put in my earplugs; Corey has this very light snore, but I like to zero noise when I read - but his snore is really cute; it's not annoying or anything. So yeah. I'm going to read my Harry Potter book. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:03 AM
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I had a dream that my Grandpa had AIDS, and he was telling us all these horror stories about his illness. One story was particularly graphic, explaining how this procdure to clear his lungs had only worked for one other person (George Washington!), and that it had been a very long shot, but that he had pulled through nicely.

Got up around 10am. Corey had to leave for his trip. I was worried that Mark might not have gotten up for work, but he was long gone, and the shower just hadn't woken me up like it often does. I watched the new episode of Desperate Housewives, and some of the new Brothers & Sisters, but I think I might wait for the final 3 episodes and watch them all together. Perhaps not. I'm not sure. lol

I hope Mollie's first day at work went well. I hope that everyone is doing well. I feel like an old man or woman, writing in a diary. lol

I missed a call from Luke last night. How strange.

I didn't get much reading done, and I didn't get much sleep either, but I got some. It almost always takes me a little time to get used to sleeping with someone else in my bed. Plus, I had slept in the daytime on Sunday. For years I slept with Mark, in the same bed, and when we separated, it took me a long time to get used to sleeping without him beside me. I'm sure I could get used to sleeping beside someone else, but I don't crave that familiarity the way I did before having a long term relationship. It's nice. It really is. But I don't need it. Or maybe it's just that I remember how hard it was to get used to sleeping alone again.

I think Corey & I are getting closer. That's nice. It really is.

Mark has a condo association meeting after work, so I'll be alone until late. I need to get my final Midrin refill, but it will be more convenient after work tomorrow. I'm going to read some more, and get some sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:48 AM
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I read another chapter of Harry Potter, and tried to get to sleep, but I had this headache... Not a really horrible one, but I was seeing spots, so I figured I should head it off at the pass. I chatted for a bit online, while I waited for the painkiller to kick in. Then I went to bed. I went to brush my teeth just before, and noticed that Corey had left his shirt here. It smelled like him, so I put it on before crawling into bed. I had strange dreams.

I woke up and there was a text message from Corey saying that he wouldn't be making it back tonight. It said that his friends had surprised him by picking up their other friend yesterday instead of today, but that his roomie Mike called, and he was at the hospital with him now. I just sent him a text message asking if everything is ok.

Last night I was bemoaning the fact that we never get to go out. Last week I made plans for us to go to the gallery showing, and a few other places but that fell through when he cancelled. He said he was sorry...for a lot of things, and I believe him. I said that I usually go to Necto on Monday nights, and he said he was up for going. By then it was almost 2am, which I was sad about because I was thinking we could go to Aut and I could get one of those "Cream Bombs", but we just figured we could get them at Necto tonight. Oh well.

I guess it serves me right. Just yesterday I was thinking I wasn't going to plan anything anymore, because it just never goes well.

And this probably makes it sound like I'm all upset or something, but really I'm not. I'm just kind of worried about what's going on. Why's he at the hospital? That has to be why he's not coming back. I mean, the reason he was leaving today was so he could go on this long drive to get a friend from up north, so if they already got him, I don't know why else he wouldn't be back.

He just texted me back, saying that they think Mike has food poisoning, and that we'll go Next Time. Then he went offline.

It's sweet of him to take care of Mike like that. It's what I'd do if Mark were sick, so I get it. Still...leaves everything feeling a bit weird. Oh well.

I'm still grateful for last night.

Ok, that was weird. Corey signed back in under another name, which I happen to have on my yahoo messenger list - and I was on invisible mode, and I made myself visible to him, assuming he'd say hello, and then he went offline? And now that I think about it...why didn't he just call me back? I'm not going to think about this. I have no clue what's going on, and I'm not going to jump to any wacky conclusions.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:23 PM
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