Sunday, April 1, 2007

While straigtening up the place for our guests, I told Mark that I thought maybe the alcohol had fallen out of the bags in the car, and he told me that he had actually given it away to our crazy nympho neighbor the previous night! I had asked him earlier if he had drank it and he simly said no, and then didn't tell me the rest. So I'd be worrying and wondering about it all fricking day. Thanks Mark.

I called Corey to say hello, and let him know that I'd solved the mystery of the disappearing alcohol. I got his voicemail though, and rambled away, like I do. I figured he was still at work.

Bryan & Chris made it over last night, though Robert did not; something about teenaged hormones exploding or something? I'm sure he'll be fine. We had a good night, talking, catching up, and playing euchre. Corey called me back and we took a break from the cards so our guests could smoke, I could talk on the phone, and I also made a really thick shake to drink; yum. Conversing with Corey was clever & fun. He's either coming over Friday night, or Saturday. He has Saturday, Sunday & Monday off. I should have Saturday & Sunday off at least. We both work on Friday. After we said goodbye (he was exhausted and wanted to unwind before bed), Bryan, Chris, Mark & I continued with our game, which was a lot of fun. Bryan & Chris couldn't stay too late though, and it was soon time to say goodbye.

One topic of discussion was Mollie. We all miss Mollie. We all really miss Mollie. Mollie was the friend that visited Bryan & Robert, and later Chris & Bryan & Robert with me the most often. In fact, Mollie & I met Chris at the same time. Bryan & company adored Mollie and made her part of the family, and everytime we see one another we're all aware that Mollie is missing.

I was really tired at this point too. That didn't stop me from talking to Mollie on the phone after missing her so much. I also passed on a message from Wendy which made Mollie laugh. Wendy wants me to reserve Friday the 13th for her & I to watch Torchwood; sounds good.

I woke up around 5am, not feeling all that well. I think I forgot to take my prilosec last night. I'm so stupid sometimes. I took a bath, and then I started reading the Voyager Mirror Universe story, which is good so far. It's by one of my all time favoriter Trek authors so I have high hopes that it's going to kick all kinds of ass. Plus, though it's a Voyager story, I know that it will 'crossover' into the DS9 Mirror stories, so it's like reading a never televised DS9 episode; way cool.

I made it back to sleep, and had dreams about eating cheese sticks! When I woke up I had a snack, and now I have cheese sticks in the oven. I should actually go check on them. I work tonight, and I have bitServe stuff to do, but beyond that I've no idea what will happen today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:43 AM
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   Monday, April 2, 2007

This entry is going to be pretty graphic. And it's going to maybe go beyond what anyone should write in an online blog where any hapless person can just stumble into it and read it without some kind of warning that it goes beyond what you would most likely read in someone's blog. A person's online, public diary seems to be about nothing more than bitch fests and gossip mongering. At least the vast majority of them seem to be like that. And the day to day rumblings, which is what I mostly have here. This one's a bit different I think. Maybe I'm upping the ante, or just crossing some line that should never be crossed; I don't know.... But for any & all - you have been warned. If you want to skip this entry which has nothing to do with my regular entries I won't be offended. lol

A lot of what I'm going to discuss here concerns my father. Some of this has been documented in other areas of my website, and if I repeat myself, forgive me. You can see him, and read some of what I've written about him here

My father, David Wright, is a bit mental, which I don't even hide from strangers. He's schizophrenic. His long time girlfriend, Jan, is also disturbed. And his whole family are a bit on the edge of madness if you ask me.

He wasn't always like this. He had a very rough childhood, mostly having to do with his father I think. Things relating to my Grandfather Wright (who's actually buried on the street where I live...Wright Street) are & have always been a bit sketchy. I've gotten the impression that my grandfather was abusive, but I never knew him. He died when my own father was just a boy; my father found him dead in a chair somewhere. Creepy, huh?

Well, my father seemed normal enough to my mother's family. He & my mom (Myra) had premarital sex, which was way more shocking back in 1969 I imagine, and my mother gave birth to my older sister Janice on August 23, 1970. My father's birthday falls on the same exact day; he was born August 23, 1952 and turned 18 the day his daughter was born. My mother was born...I want to say November 7, 1950; it's the day that I have trouble remembering, not the month or year.

I'm sorry if this is all confusing, and not written very well, but it's all sort of off the cuff. But continuing on....

My parents were later married, inside my grandmother's house. That was in 71 or 72 I think. I didn't know Janice was born before the wedding until years later when I saw a picture of her, taken at the wedding. Being raised a strict Baptist, that came as quite a surprise to me, I remember. Funny how that seems so unimportant now. lol I, for the record was born in August of 1974. I was supposed to be born on August 23rd, the same as my dad & sister, but I was born early, on August 12. You can see that I was born early, as one of my ears wasn't fully formed and I have a hole that almost looks like a piercing. I've only known one other person that had that same mark on their ear for the same reason and he was gay too. Makes me wonder. ;-0)

My father had this kind of religious conundrum. A visiting pastor apparently (who was never asked back after his disasterous message), expressed that that the unforgivable sin is to take the lord's name in vain. My father obsessed about this...and my grandmother (my mom's mom) once told me that she believed this was the start of my father's mental troubles. The thought that he may have unknowingly damned himself tormented him, and nobody could get this out of his mind...and then he started losing his mind.

My fater became extremely abusive to my mother. He became more abusive with his children as well. He wanted to make sure that we'd get to heaven. If we suffered than we'd make it into heaven, he said. There were all sorts of odd rules that we had to follow. Strict rules. I'm not even sure that he told our mother about these rules, or if he did, she may have fortton all of this. She hates talking about him, and the thought of him seems to really upset her, so maybe she remembers but doesn't want to, which I can relate to I guess. My older sister remembers very little from those years.

She doesn't remember that I ate some steak at the dinner table without permission, and that our father raped her as punishment. But she remembers next to NOTHING about those years. It's really scary, actually. I stopped eating at the dinner table after that incident, and never ate with my family at the kitchen table ever again. I stopped eating all together actually. There were foods we were allowed to eat at any time, and I stuck to those. That includes potato chips, McDonald's french fries, and other random things like soup and toast. That's literally all I ate for years. YEARS. My father raped me as well. I don't remember everything from back then, so I don't know if that was for eating something or a separate offense. I remember him hitting me, and me flying across the room. I remember him hitting our mother and having me clean up the blood aftewords.

After my father raped me, I was broken. I had trouble walking. I bled. I was brusied and inside out; I was ashamed and scared. And I hid all this from anyone that I could. I think some people must have known, but they looked the other way. They probably saw the same symptoms in my mother and sister. Just as my mother probably saw a lot of this in her children, but felt trapped, and didn't know what to do. I don't blame these people really. It was a different time, and I think these people probably wanted to help, but couldn't. I've had hemorrhoids ever since, though they've gotten a lot better since then. I get them maybe twice a year now, when they used to be a lot more common.

Anyways, my mother eventually left my father, after he put her head through a wall. Seriously. My father had been diagnosed by that time I think. He had some pretty crazy incidents. He was hospitalized, and my mom tried to work things out with him; said they could work it all out if he'd just stay on his medication, but he didn't, and that was that. Every once in awhile he'd do something crazy and it was back to the hospital for him. Once he walked from his home in ypsi, to our house in Mooreville, at night, naked. Another time, years later on one of his monthly visits, he told Janice & I that he was going to have his testicles removed, that he was going to die and that he was going to come live with us, with my mom & my step-dad. I knew exactly what he was talking about, but pretended I didn't...I don't know why. I remember Janice crying, and telling our grandmother that dad had stopped taking his meds again, and when Grandma pushed Janice for details, she glossed over what he'd said, saying that he'd said that he was going to suffer so that he could come live with us.

Most of the time, after the divorce, he was mostly ok. When he takes his meds he's alright. He's still completely insane, but the meds allow him to be somewhat normal? He just goes off on tangents though, and it's probably really scary for people who haven't been around it their entire lives. I've met many 'crazy' people over the years who sound just like my dad, and I know it's an illness now, and people have often said that I've dealt with those kinds of people really well, but I had to deal with that all the time growing up.

When I came out of the closet, years later, quite a few people, Janice among them, seemed to think I was gay because of what my father had done. I find this horribly insulting. Like I'm gay because my dad turned me on to cock. My response to that was "Is that why Janice is striaght?". I just found all of that nonsense to be really wrong, and insulting. It actually made me hate a lot of trusted family members for a really long time.

When my hemorrhoids 'flare up' or whatever...I'm in constant pain, and it's like this horrific reminder of what I survived. It's like I'm still reliving it again and again. It's gotten less traumatic over the years. People know that I have them, and what happened to me. My boss knows, and my family, and Mark & Mollie, and even Corey knows. It really sucks though, because...I like anal sex. lol I really like to get fucked, and I can't do that when I'm this way. This whole topic is something I think people probably don't want to hear, but I want to talk about it, so I am.

And some people ask me why I allow myself to get fucked, because supposedly this can set them off, which is true to a point. If I get a lot of unlubricated action that can get them going...which I'm pretty good at avoding. But there's this part of me that feels like if I let what my father did to me kill my pleasure, then I didn't really survive it at all then. I mean, if I let this horrible thing ruin something that brings me joy, then why did I surive at all? It probably sounds all kinds of twisted, but that's how I feel.

So...I'm in pain right now. I'm pretty sure I know why. I... I just, I guess I feel, that at times like these I'm being haunted by my past, and I can't break free from it, and it depresses me a little. I swear, that mostly I'm over it. But there's this part of me that is just so angry about it that I find myself wanting to scream. And it's probably good that my dad isn't around at these times. My dad hasn't been violent in decades; he's kind of like a lost child himself. And it's like impossible to hate him, because the guy that did this to me pretty much died years ago, and now there's just this shell of man in his place. So I'm left with no one to vent on. And so I wrote it here. Hope this wasn't too vile.

Oh, and for the record, I really like to Top as well ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:26 PM
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   Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Luke (Lucas) just called me. He's moved to Adrian, Michigan. He's going back to school. He's doing all these great things. This is all fantastic. He asked me what was new with me, and I told him about my job, which he thought was cool. He sounded really happy, and excited to be talking to me, and I was just kind of shocked that he had called at all. I haven't even seen him in over a month, and when I broke things off with him, I didn't think he'd ever talk to me again. Especially since he was already avoiding me, and only contatcted me after some time had passed, and I wrote out my feelings in a poem that I sent him a link to. He apologised to me then, for lying to me and stuff, and I accepted it. I accepted it and moved on, and I sincerely wished him well...which is maybe why he called me.

Then I told him about my date with Corey, and that I was seeing him again. And everything changed. He said he had to go. He sounded like he was going to cry. He said that he was surprised, but that he shouldn't be because I'm wonderful. He said he was sorry that he fucked everything up. I was still in shock, and that shock was just getting more and more pronounced. He had obviously called to get back together with me, which I never expected in a million years. I didn't know what to say, except that I was really flattered, and that if he was here I'd give him a big hug. And that we could be friends. He sounded like he wanted to get off the phone really bad, so I let him go. Now I feel weird. I hope he's ok.

About Corey. We visited with his ex-bf on our last date, which was fine, but weird. Now we've got plans for this Saturday, and he wants to visit his ex again. Isn't that strange? It's strange. It feels strange. But they are friends. And I live with an ex, so I understand that being strange. Of course, Corey lives with another ex, so it's already strange on both sides. He asked if it was cool that we go see the ex again, and I didn't want to say no, but maybe I should have? I don't know. This ex, and he dated for like 5 years, and I think he was Corey's first official boyfriend. They sounded like old friends at the bar, but it kind of felt like maybe they had unfinished business there. I don't know. In my experience, boys hook up with their ex-bfs when they're supposed to be with me (Travis), so I've had some bad experiences in these typse of scenarios. I don't know. Maybe I'll invite some friends along, or I'll just stay home and they can go party. I don't know. It's on my mind though. And I don't like it. I don't like the scenario in general, but I also don't like that it bothers me, when it could be nothing.

Men are strange.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:49 AM
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I woke up around 10 minutes ago with the worst headache. I got up, took my meds, woke Mark up because he was already late for work, and started brushing my teeth. Mark got up and tried to turn the light on. Lights and headaches do NOT go together, especially in there, where there are 3 bright bulbs next to 2 mirrors. I stopped him, and told him I'd turn them on when I was done. And he wouldn't get in the shower and start showering until after the light was on, which I thought was odd...but maybe that's just the throbbing pain in my head.

I know Mark is going to want me to drive him to work, but that's so not going to happen. I'm going to set my alarm and go to bed. If Mark can't switch the car with me today that's fine...If DJ is working he loves to come get me.

I just checked and the first 2 seasons of the new Doctor Who should defintely be here today...though I'll probably be at work when they arrive.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:26 AM
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I just got up to get ready for work. My headache is gone. I'm ever so grateful for those pills. Medicine is a wonderful thing.

I'm thinking that April will be my month to save money. I have all sorts of things preordered throughout the year, and I just spent some cash I didn't need to, to kind of celebrate my new job's paycheck. And I'm sending a check out to a friend as well, but besides that I'm going to try to not order anything online this month. No I-Tunes, Amazon, anything. Just food and essentials. That's my goal anyways.

I need to eat and get ready for work now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:41 AM
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Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? I mean...really looked at yourself, and saw yourself for who you are? Or maybe just what the world sees, but you never have. I just did that. I just looked at myself in a mirror and it was like I'd never seen myself before.

I'm a grown man. I'm remarkable. I don't mean to sound vain, because what I'm saying is that everyone is remarkable, and I don't know that any of us really see that. I'm a grown man.

My father jumped off of a parker garage a few years ago. I've never once wondered what it was that made him do it. I mean, he's crazy after all, but something changed for me when he did that. I've never thought about this before... But part of me hopes that the reason he jumped was that some part of him suddenly saw what he'd done to his children. Saw what he'd done to me. How I'm damaged. And he wanted to die. I can't touch the part of him that was the monster from my youth; it's never around when I see him. I hope the man I know now threw himself off that buliding to kill the man I can't hurt. I'm glad he jumped. I'm so glad he jumped. But I'm glad this other guy survived. Does that make any sense? I don't really care if it does or not, I guess. It's a feeling, and feelings don't always make sense.

I'm alive. I survived such horrible things. And I'm remarkable.

When I met Mark Adams, years and years ago now... I ate almost nothing. And I hated being alive. And there wasn't a single date we went on that I didn't cry. Can you imagine that? Mark didn't care. He saw in me, what I just saw in the mirror for the first time in my entire life. He saw through all the pain and bullshit and knew that I was remarkable, and he's never stopped telling me that I was. And I've never really believed it before.

I know Mark & I aren't ever going to be a couple again. There's too much that's wrong with us, between us, for that. But when people look at us, and wonder why we are so close and why we haven't parted, though the boyfriend relationship between us has ended...it's because he saved my life on more levels than anyone probably knows. He knew I was remarkable and wouldn't let me die, and wouldn't let me go until I could know that too. And I'm grateful.

Thank you Mark.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:48 PM
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My Doctor Who dvds arrived today. I'm really psyched about them, because I've never seen this episode come in really great, and it's my favorite one: The Girl In The Fireplace. Then there's also a deleted scene in the episode "The Age of Steel" that reveals that 2 male characters were boyfriends, just as I suspected they were. And beyond all that, there's the fact that as a bonus feature, the dvd carries the Children In Need Special, which is like a 7 minute scene that takes place between season 1 & the first Christmas Special - which I've never seen before, and had no idea would be included on the dvd. I'm waiting for Mark to get home from Meijer so we can watch that part together.

I have to do bitServe work later. Working at Hollywood was mostly fun today, besides the nightmare of implementing corporate's new rental policies. Blah. I rewatched "A Touch of Pink" today, which I enjoyed. And I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but I watched the new live action Charlotte's Web Sunday night, which I also enjoyed.

Mark is home; I'm going to go watch that Doctor Who Special now ;-0)

Oh...and I had a fun texting with Corey earlier too. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:38 PM
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Have you ever gone out with a loser? Like...a deranged person? And you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but then they're just playing with you? It seems to happen to me again and again. It doesn't seem to bother me anymore, which I suppose could be bad, but I feel in my case that it's probably very good.

Luke called again. This time he claimed to be in Ann Arbor. He said he really wanted to talk to me. That maybe we could hang out and talk. I'd been worried about him since the call yesterday in which he seemed to be crying... But I had work to do, and I didn't really feel like going out. Also, he sounded really stoned. But I figured it wouldn't hurt to get outside for a little while. I knew I didn't want him at the condo. He said he was wandering around by East Quad, which is next to Pizza House so I told him to meet me there. I showered and drove out there; not dressing up or shaving or anything I would have done if it was something other than a random in-person conversation. But he wasn't there when I got there. I called him, and he said he was 2 minutes away. I got a table. I called him again after 5 minutes and he didn't answer his phone; I left a message saying if he wasn't there in 10 minutes that I would leave. I called Mollie, and I knew as I was calling her that I was being stood up again. I told her the story, and we laughed at the sheer absurdity of this boy's behavior! And I feel for it again, which should leave me angry or hurt or something...and I just don't care anymore. Plus I wanted to leave as the waitress for my table is an utter bitch. So I ended up not even staying for the 10 minutes I said I'd wait. I called him again as I was leaving to tell him that I had left and that if he was watching, or at home or whatever that he had provided me with a moment's amusement and I came home. lol

This is my life sometimes. I try to give people more than one chance. And he always seems sincere when he calls, and makes plans. I think he must get off on people making plans with him, and then not following through on it. I don't know why. I don't really care why. I just know he's completely fucked in the head. I feel bad for him. I know that he does this to other people too. It will never happen to me again. I can only go so far...you know? This last time wasn't painful or worth getting upset about. Sure, I took time out to try to help a guy who didn't even show up, and maybe never intended to, but it was a really nice night for a drive, and then a walk. I enjoyed leaving the bitch waitress without ordering anything. I got to laugh with Mollie, and later Mark, about the whole thing. And got all of that while trying to do something good. He's an ass, but I've lost nothing. I'm really proud of myself. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:07 PM
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