Monday, October 12, 2009

Saturday & Sunday were mostly spent in bed, in pain. Michael stayed both days, leaving on Sunday around noon. In the latter half of Sunday, some of the pain subsided and Mark took me to Whole Foods & Kroger for groceries. It felt weird to leave the house, and doubly weird doing so and not going to a doctor's office or hospital. It was cold outside and I'm so not ready for winter.

Later I masturbated for the first time in nearly 2 weeks. It felt good. And was good for me. Men should release 1-2 times a week to keep things in check, and I was worried this might be harming me. It was easlity the first time in weeks that my penis had provided me any pleasure whatsoever.

I need to eat. And it's about time for me to take my next dose of Cipro. Been taking it every 10 hours. Later today, Mark & I are planning on going to my doc's office to see about making an appointment with a urologist and I want a prostate exam as well. The only painful symptoms I have now involve an intense ache near the tip of my penis and a similar feeling in my prostate and I want to be sure it's taken care of.

The Sarah Jane Adventures begin in 3 days.

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan is released in 15 days.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:02 AM
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Also on Sunday, and into Monday, I met another boy online that Michael had sex with. At first it seemed it was in July. Then August 9. Finally, through Michael's credit card info it turned out to be on Tuesday, August 11, 2009. The day before I turned 35 years old, Michael payed $43.87 to fuck a 25 year old boy. He made love to me the next day and I thought it so beautiful... 2 days later, on Friday, August 14, Mark & I picked Mollie up from the bus station. On the 15th we went to the party that Michael gave me. He gave me lots of presents that I'd asked for. With the exception of Mollie (who's mine forever) I'm getting rid of all the other presents. It hurts to get rid of things I wanted, but it hurts more to keep them near me. They feel like they aren't real to me now; they're just presents that Michael gave me 4 days after paying to fuck some boy a day before my birthday. This hurts so much more than I can handle right now.

I'm stronger than this though. Michael really has changed now. I really believe that. I just have to face the past and get through it and I will. I knew it was going to be painful...but I'm stronger than all this bullshit. It will just take time. And I think I might never celebrate my birthday ever again.

For those of you who are wondering, I now know that Michael slept with 12 other men besides me during 5.5 months of dating. It would seem that this all happened between May 20, 2009 & September 7, 2009. 12 men (13 including me, the official boyfriend) in less than 4 months time. That's pretty fucking amazing. That's pretty fucking sad and cruel and disgusting. I need some midrin NOW.

I was told by several people that after having your gallbladder removed that I'd have diarrhea for a few weeks until my body adjusted. I hadn't had that at all, but it looks like the reason I'd been spared that fate (until now) was that I was on oxycodone every day for pain, and it causes constipation. Unfortunately I'm weaning myself off of that drug, and now I've had it for sevral hours. Ick. Now I'm not sure what I can and can't eat. It's annoying.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:00 AM
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I slept really well. I feel pretty good. I had the most insane dreams. I dreamt that I saw ALIEN 5 in theaters and it was awesome! Not that the movie exists, but still. I dreamt that a guy in the theater threatened me physically and I went to inform securtity and he chased me down and it was my cousin Michael Curtis and we suddenly in church and not the theater...or the church was the theater. Jennifer Jackson was trying to help me. I told everyone to fuck off and went out to the car and my grandmother was waiting for me, telling me that she'd had it with that place too. When we got home we were in a car accident in front of the garage, but nobody was hurt. They were working on the garage, using a machine to clean out the fumes (it had been used as a gas chamber). Later I watched the unedited versions of Nightmare on Elm Street and Nightmare on Elm Street 3. In 3, Kristen when slashing her wrist does little patterns and things - it was almost funny. Then instead of going to hospital Nancy comes and tucks her into bed and stays over with here. Then in Part I Johnny Depp was in the shower with this other guy (like a regular bathtub shower thing) and another guy joins them and their dicks were all on display - then they looked out the shower curtain and three younger guys were having a circle jerk. It was very odd. lol. And then I woke up.

I checked my mail. Had some nice messages. And the train that goes by our house blew it's whistle like 20 times; I've never heard it do that before. It sounded like Casey Jr. from Dumbo, and I now have that song stuck in my head. I thought maybe something or someone was on the tracks and we'd soon hear a loud crash but that didn't happen.

I got Mark out of bed for work. He's in the shower. We were supposed to go to the doc's today, but I was sleeping and I feel pretty good today. We should still go sometime though. I say we, because I'm not allowed to drive until at least a week from Monday. Ugh. So long.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:38 PM
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There's a pretty smashing trailer for Sarah Jane Season Three -> here <-.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:59 PM
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I've talked on the phone with Michael and Janice. Worked on some online stuff. Kind of tired. I had a slice of toast and some veggies (carrot, cauliflour[?], broccoli) and water.

Rough couple of months.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:21 PM
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   Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Gay Kisses from around the World:

I own several of these movies.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:56 AM
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I wish I had all the final Season 31 Whoniverse installments so I could just sit back and take it all in. I want to see how the 10th Doctor's adventures end. I hope it's spectacular. I love the final 9th Doctor story.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:08 PM
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I miss Michael. And though I haven't for awhile now, I miss the Michael I thought was real before I found out the truth. Why couldn't that Michael have been real? I've been so strong lately, but today I'm feeling weak and unsure...and I wish I could go back in time and get this all right. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:30 PM
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I managed to pull myself out of the funk I was in. I stopped crying. This stuff isn't my fault. And I'm doing the best I can under terrible circumstances. I cleaned my room a bit. I cleaned the kitchen a little. I ate. I had a bunch of different things in small doses. Carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, juice, an apple, toast, some chips, tofu, chow mein noodles, and some dairy free chocolate.

I spoke to Michael on the phone. It was nice.

Oh. And I found this site for BSG: The Plan where you can watch 3 scenes from the movie - which totally rock and I have me even more excited for the movie than I was before. :-0)

I'll show Mark the scenes when he gets home.

I felt like I had a cold yesterday and some of today, but I feel a bit better now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:49 PM
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   Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I had a nice nap. I took my antibiotic (which was over an hour later than I usually take it, but as long as I take 2 a day I'm good). I had some water. I had more veggies and toast but I also had some black berries and grapes.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:02 AM
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Been listening to music. I watched highlights from 'Children of Earth' and cried happy tears. I listened to 'Halo' by Beyonce, and the mashups from the recent Glee episode. I just ate some more. Trying my best to get strong again. I worked on Michael's farm and chatted with his Aunt Glenda (one of his father's sisters). She had guessed that Michael had cheated based on some of the Facebook stuff and she told me about her first husband (she's been with the 'new' one for 10 years) - she also said that hardships can make relationships stronger, and that if only her previous husband had stopped cheating and really made an effort then she would have forgiven him. Hopefully Michael won't hurt me that way again. I wrote a 2nd poem for him this morning. The first was written as he was cheating for the last time and now seems so hollow. This one feels like a much better effort.

FALLEN:

Thinking back now
to the night of your birth,

And later the nightmare
that crashed you to Earth,

Named for an angel
on that early June morn,

But you'd yet sprung your wings
when your wings were shorn,

The seed that was planted
in your Father's eye,

The first of the men
who taught you to lie,

Followed by men
who hit, lied and shoved,

Who convinced you
that you could never be loved,

But these men were wrong
even though you believed,

Because I see your truth
and I see your grief,

I've seen your worst
and I've seen your best,

And I've seen you play your cards
close to your vest,

I've seen you stumble
at the smallest affection,

I've seen you crumble
at the smallest confession,

I've held you in darkness
and I've heard your fears,

I've held your hand
and I've dried your tears,

But you struck out at me
for you could not believe,

That I loved only you
and that I would not leave,

You hurt me with all of the pain
you'd collected,

But when it was over
you were not rejected,

You fell from such heights
when you listened to hate,

You fell from the sky
and I saw too late...
that all of our life was nothing but lies...

I tried to see through the tears in my eyes...

And there in the heart of all of our pain...

There in the suffering I could not contain...

There was the secret I now knew was true...

You fell from the sky...

But I fell for you.

And now we exist
in this haze of confusion,

As we look into truth
through the daze of illusion,

And I see that the man
that you told me you were,

Exists deep inside you;
and of that I'm sure,

For the wings may be gone
and the wounds may be deep,

But your halo's still there,
when I watch you sleep.

Written By Jason Wright
October 14, 2009

- For Michael -

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:13 AM
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I slept well today. Michael gets off work around 6pm. I need to call my doc's office and find out what time my appointment is tomorrow. I need to shave and shower. I posted that Michael poem on Facebook and I got some really great responses.

I'm a bit nervous about going to the doc's tomorrow. I'm hoping that I'll be ok, but I'm worried my UTI might not actually be gone. I think I'm gonna ask for a mini-perscription of the drug I'm on so that if it's not gone I won't be stuck without meds over the weekend. I also want to see a urologist and get a prostate exam just to make sure everything is ok.

Just called. It's at 4:45 with Dr. "Ostafin"; have no idea how to spell that. Pretty sure that's a woman and that I saw here a long while back. It should be fine. I just have to make sure Mark can take me to the appointment.

While calling, DJ texted me to tell me that he loves Glee! lol.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:30 PM
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Shaved and showered. I'm hungry. I've had none of the icky side effects associated with my surgery (related to food) for the last 48 hours or so; could my adjustment period really have been so short? I pray that it was because I'm rather liking the eating non-pain part of my life right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:19 PM
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Michael came over and without trying things got dark and painful very quickly. It was really intense, but we pulled through it and some of the best old-time fun (not sex) that we've had in a long time.

I'm having a slight burning during / after urination. I had it yesterday too, which scares me. Last time I just drank more water and by the time I went again it was gone. I'll try that again, but it doesn't thrill me that I'm still having this kind of thing happen. I'm grateful that it hurts far less than it did last week (what a nightmare that was!) but there's still something going on, which sucks.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:03 PM
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   Thursday, October 15, 2009

Almost exactly 2 weeks ago at this moment I was in the ER with terrible pain and a strange numbness thinking I was dying, with no clue that I'd have my first ever surgery later that day, and be in recovery mode (with much pain) for the next week and several complications for the next. 2 weeks. October really sucks so far. And September was no better, with the revelation of Michael's betrayals. Autumn, usually my favorite time of the year has turned out to be my least favorite part of 2009. Last year around this time I was in a nameless depression, but this year was worse. I'm sure these recent experiences will strengthen me in the coming months / years or however long I have left, though I did notice that during a freaky surgery scene on the 9.2 episode of Smallville that I freaked out a bit more than I would have before all this crap. Surgery will forever be that scary thing where I woke up alone and in pain, begging to see Mark & Michael, and then weeping when Michael wasn't there. If there's any consolation for today, it's that tomorrow afternoon October will be half over and November may be an improvement.

Michael's asleep behind me. He had a bit of trouble with the heat; the neighbors definitely have their heat on and it's stifeling in my room. I have the fan on, and the door ajar, and gave him an icepack, all after he woke having soaked through a pillowcase with his sweat.

My stomach has had some trouble tonight, but it's just my usual problems that come and go. I think this might be because I've been taking my prilosec pretty randomly. Probably because I'm taking SO MANY pills at the moment that I just lose track, plus when I sleep is kind of random too.

The Sarah Jane Adventures return tonight. How did that happen? There will be 2 new episodes every week for the next 5 weeks. Battlestar Galactica: The Plan will arrive in about 12 days. I may reorder Season 4.5 to make up for the scratched final disc and so I'll have the complete series, but I'm not sure yet. I feel weird spending that kind of money twice when I don't really have an income. I saw some quotes from an upcoming Maxim magazine that says the new Plan DVD will have some explicit content, which I'd heard suggestions of in the past; this doesn't make me want to see the movie any more than before, but it doesn't make me want to see it less, as some fans are saying - but their arguments are silly - saying things like if they had to throw in sex or nudity it must suck when there was TONS of sex on BSG. TONS. And while there wasn't nudity there was a lot of near nudity of both genders. And while there was sex / nudity in the recent Caprica dvd, that story was fantastic as well. I think people who have a problem with nudity / sexuality in a movie are both childish and creepy. Oh, and 2 days after "The Plan" is released, the 10th Doctor will be back in 2 episodes of Sarah Jane! I'm missing The Doctor in the worst way lately. Maybe because all the other doctors I've seen lately have kind of sucked.

I have a doctor's appointment today at 4:45pm. We're aiming to be there around 4pm though so I can give a sample before the lab closes down at 5pm. That means I have to leave around 3:30pm and I have to be ready then, so I have to be up by 3PM for sure. This appointment could be important on many levels.

I also have an appointment on Tuesday, which is my big followup to my surgery at UofM hospital. I'm not worried about that as I think I'm coming along really well. It's just the damned UTI and whatever else is going on with it that's giving me troubles now IMO.

Michael and I really had fun last night. Like I said before, there were some rough patches and I actually thought we were ending for about 10 minutes, but we brought ourselves back from the brink. I want this to work very much. I want to get back to how I felt before. I want to marry this man. But we can't just rush to the finish either. Relationships are complex. This is why I've never been jealous of people who are in relationships because no matter how perfect they seem...I know they're not.

With Michael now...I feel the need to differentiate myself from his other men; the ones he slept with when he was with me. I found out last night that he kissed the guy he slept with 3 days before my birthday. This kid (he was 25 then) has no clue that he was sleeping with someone's boyfriend, and seems sort of innocent and kind of sweet. It kills me. But for the most part I like it when he kisses me because I know he rarely did that with the others; 3 of them maybe. I like it when he goes down on me or rims me because he didn't do that for any of the others. Anything that separates me from them (for now) is important to me. That will most likely fade in time, but for now...I need that.

I only have 1 antibiotic left, which I need to take around noon, and while they've worked wonders for me pain wise, I suspect the UTI is still there as I've had random pain, though nothing on the scale of last weeks torture. I hope this weekend goes well. Michael & David will be aparment / house hunting in Ann Arbor. Michael has Saturday - Sunday off, but I'm not sure how much of that time will be spent with me as I'm sure he has tons of things to do.

His life is EXTREMELY stressful at the moment. I wish I could help with that, and I think I did last night...but what we're going through is also stressful and while that's not my fault, it worries me that it might get too intense for him and he'll have to bow out. :-0( I don't want that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:50 AM
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Michael just left & I just took my last dose of Ciprofloxacin; hope it's worked; hope I'm wrong in thinking that it hasn't. Mark will be getting up for work soon. I have to be ready to go at 3:45pm.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:02 PM
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Made it to my doc appointment early. My sample came back negative, but the antibiotic could have caused that. I had a prostate exam and based on my symptoms they're pretty sure I have postatitus - most likely caused by an STD given to me by Michael. He & I tested negative, but if it was in my rectum I would most likely test negative per the test I was given, and though he tested negative it's highly likely that he was asystematic and that he passed the STD out the way it came in (his penis) by urinating or ejaculating - when that happens people usually aren't infected, but he had sex with me at least once, after having sex with 2 other guys the same day, 1 of them without a condom, and I can tell you that guy is quite the slut himself so it wouldn't surprise me at all. All the pain I've felt in the last 2 weeks and all the pain I'm feeling now (from a HUGE shot they gave me in my hip) and what I'm going to go through in the next 10 days (the pills are said to cause terrible cramping) is all based on Michael's need to not only cheat on me and lie about it, but to do so in the same day that he had sex with me. I'm still in love with him...still want a future with him, but I'm understandably pissed off at him right now. And that shot hurt like a motherfucker! I usually don't have any problems with needles but this one was terrible. Ugh.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:15 PM
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   Friday, October 16, 2009

I finished "The Thief of Always" last night. I also broke the news about my STD infection by Michael, to Michael last night. It really hurt him, and shook him up I think. He wants a break. I don't. Mark's driving me out to his work today so I can see him. I plan on giving him a single rose.

I have the new Sarah Jane episode, but I'm waiting on watching it. Perhaps tonight when I have Part II, or perhaps even longer.

And I just read this really cool review of the upcoming "The Plan" dvd, here's a chunk of that review:

"Directed by Edward James Olmos, The Plan could also have been called A Tale of Two Cavils. It's moral: You can't declare war on love. One of the Cavils learns this lesson... and one does not. The film begins a few weeks prior to the attack on the Colonies and ends with the air-locking of the two Cavils as seen in the Season Two episode Lay Down Your Burdens, Part II. Over the course of its 112 minutes, you essentially see a series of vignettes that reveal the events of the miniseries and the show's first two seasons from the Cylon perspective... rendering some events and characters in a fascinating new light. I don't want to give too much away, because the pleasure here is in all the little discoveries. But I will tell you that you finally get to see the destruction of the Twelve Colonies in surprisingly graphic detail. We've never really seen the raw, gritty nastiness of it until now. And speaking of graphic, be advised that there's full-on nudity in several scenes, and one surprisingly graphic sex scene as well. In terms of the characters, several benefit from the revelations herein, including obviously Brother Cavil, as well as Boomer and Leoben. But for me, the most interesting was actually a surprise - Simon becomes a much more developed character by the time The Plan has unfolded fully. I should note that it would be hard to watch this as a stand-alone film, because it feels a little choppy as its own narrative. Think of it as gap-filler for the show's first two seasons. But it becomes more involving as it goes and by the time it ends, it's really built to a fascinating, rewarding - and I would say even a bit shocking - conclusion. Having just seen Battlestar from start to finish on Blu-ray, I can tell you first-hand how well The Plan ducks and weaves its way through the series' overall narrative. I suspect that a lot of people who haven't yet gone back to revisit the show are going to be inspired to do so after watching this. Trust me, you'll have a great time with it. For me at least, Battlestar Galactica is the gift that keeps on giving. If you've never seen Battlestar before, you DEFINITELY don't want to start here. But if you love this show, and you've already seen it all... The Plan is absolutely required viewing. Enjoy!"

Sounds awesome! Bring it! :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:42 AM
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I went to bed around 10am. Michael called around 2pm, waking me up, but letting me go so I could get back to sleep. Only I couldn't. I had TERRIBLE heartburn, like I haven't had in ages. I'm thinking it's connected to my new antibiotics. I got up and got ready. Mark showered. My wounds from surgery are looking markedly better. We went to the flower shop by our house and I bought a rose for Michael. Mark drove me out to Arby's in Allen Park where we surprised Michael. He'd never been given a rose before. It was hard for me to be in a place connected to his previous lies, hitting me much harder than my last visit for some reason. I ate curly fries and had some sierra mist. I knew this might upset my stomach, but the express way was so clogged I also knew we might be there awhile, waiting it out.

Michael and I talked. He felt terrible that he'd given me an STD and is afraid he may have given me something else now. I told him that I'm glad he feels terrible and if he didn't feel terrible I wouldn't be with him now.

On the way home we followed Michael so he could take us to a road that Mark knew would take us home, though we ended up getting back on 94 as we could see it was clear. My stomach was troubling me, but I managed to sleep a bit on the way home.

I called Michael when we arrived, my stomach feeling a bit better. Mark left to visit his dad. Michael is staying home tonight; thinking I might need some alone time, and he's probably right.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:29 PM
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I took a nap after talking to Michael on the phone and getting some cute texts. Gave Michael a call when I woke up but he didn't answer. I'm gonna chill. Might take a shower. Showers are good.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:05 PM
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   Saturday, October 17, 2009

got like no sleep last night. took my antibiotics last night and this morning. did the dishes. doing laundry. Michael & David just left from here to look at apartments.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:16 AM
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