Sunday, January 17, 2010

So Saturday I accomplished much. I got groceries and went to LC with Mark. We later went to an Arby's in Ann Arbor to pick something up for Michael that we dropped at his place. Things with Michael are good; at least they seem good, and I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I have trust issues; surely. But I think this all has a point.

Today has been mostly about Dollhouse.

OMG. The last episode I watched was so good. In the last 72 hours or so I've randomly watched episodes. I spoke about some in a recent entry. I've watched 6 more since then:

2x06 The Left Hand *****
2x07 Meet Jane Doe ****
2x08 A Love Supreme ****
2x09 Stop-Loss ****
2x10 The Attic ****
2x11 Getting Closer *****

That last one was AMAZING. Just 2 more to go. 1 I'll be watching today, and then the finale is on a week from Friday, but I've heard that one mostly takes place in 2020; last season's finale took place in 2019. If these last 2 installments continue to kick ass I'll gladly recommend this series to people as a flawed but interesting series, with a much more satisfying endgame than the first 8 or so episodes would suggest. And they've really done a good job of bringing back old storylines and making them more intricate. Nice. I mean...the series seems seedy and sort of pointless at first and then becomes this apocalyptic vision! It's just awesome!

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:00 PM
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The penultimate episode of the increasingly serialized Dollhouse was 4.5 stars I think. Not quite 5, but better than 4. I don't usually rate half stars though. Seriously interested in how the future came to be, and what happened to Amy Acker's charcter between "The Hollow Men" & "Epitaph One".

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:12 PM
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   Monday, January 18, 2010

I spoke to Michael on the phone a few times and then took a nap. I woke just before he called me on his way home from work and I talked to him until he got home. I informed him his farm was ready to harvest; he said he'd harvest the farm and then watch an episode of LOST (he bought the first 2 seasons & he's on disc 2 of Season 1) - finishing the 2nd disc before heading to bed. He works noon - 7pm later today, and then is going home to do laundry. He's thinking of us maybe going to Necto tomorrow night as we've not gone out in a long time, but he wants to watch his cash right now.

I'm gonna try to go back to sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:46 AM
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Slept with my bite guard in. Got a lot of cleaning done today. Took out 3 loads of trash, and recycles. Mark & I did this together. The downstairs closet is looking way better. Getting rid of my Star Wars Book Collection. Getting rid of crap I don't need. I have too much shit. I don't know why, but all this clutter, which is usually so comforting is just...clutter lately.

Michael should be here around 11pm. I'll try to be shaved, trimmed, showered and happy when he gets here.

The condo looks a wreck. I think I'll try to get some more done. I'm doing more laundry at the least and cleaning up in my room for the night.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:27 PM
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   Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Got lots done on Monday. Michael stayed Monday night, which didn't go as well as we'd hoped it would, but it got better as it went. Just as he was getting ready to leave my dad showed up at the front door. Michael left shortly afterward.

Seeing my dad was nice, but filled with all kinds of emotion. I've always thought that my father was just crazy and you just accepted that and went on with your day...but I'm starting to suspect that he has moments where he understands that he's crazy most of the other time and feels bad about it. I saw several moments of clarity yesterday and spoke to him during one, and he told me that he's proud of me...that he can see that I'm like him, that I get lost but that I always find my way out and that's something he could never do. This made me cry a lot, because he's right. I often feel like I'm losing my mind, like I'm getting lost in my own head but I've always managed to find my way back to the world. My father never did. And this terrifies me. And here was my father saying he was proud that I have. It was very emotional for me. And after I dropped him off I went to Michael's so he could hold me while I cried. He made me feel better. I came home, and went to bed soon after, sleeping for nearly 12 hours.

I need to eat.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:08 AM
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Ate after last entry. Pill knocked me out for a couple more hours. Mark tried to wake me at one point. Got up later and he was sleeping. Cleaning out drawers and stuff. Throwing away lots of stuff, but it feels good. It's weird though because it doesn't look like I've cleaned much cause it's usually hidden. Michael called on his way to work this morning, and again a few minutes ago. He couldn't sleep last night and watched a bunch of LOST; he's almost caught up with me now...He's exhausted though and is getting off of work and going right to bed when he gets home (around 7:30pm I think).

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:00 PM
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The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that RTD is making an American remake of Torchwood. Other sites like Dark Horizons & Scfi Wire are picking up the story. If this series is a spin-off about an American branch of Torchwood than I might enjoy it. If it's a remake unconnected to the other Whoniverse shows I'm not pleased at all.

There's also a report on DH that Tim Burton is interested in making a movie about Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty (my favorite Disny movie), giving the character the same treatment Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West) got in Wicked. Awesome.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:52 PM
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Got that pesky drawer sorted. Had a snack (without my pills so as to not knock myself out). I'm washing my comforter. My room still looks a wreck, but I know it's getting better.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:50 PM
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Washing my sheets and pilow cases; comforter is in the dryer. Got Mark helping me with kitchen stuff. Oranized a shelf in my room. Have some ideas, but I feel exhausted. So much to do!

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:52 PM
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Had some toast with Green Goodness, and some rosemary crackers.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:22 PM
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   Thursday, January 21, 2010

Got a lot done yesterday before the shit hit the fan and I broke up with Michael. He's addicted to sex. I have no doubt. I set up a 3some for tonight (something I've never done with or for any other boyfriend), and he then went behind my back, and lied, and set up more sex for himself on Friday - which he told me he needed alone time for himself on that day. And before I was even a few miles away after confronting him and breaking up with him he started looking for more sex. I still love him, but I can't trust him.

I slept for a little while, but I had to take Midrin before I went to bed cause of a headache, and I can never stay asleep very long when I take it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:57 AM
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Can't stop crying.

It's all hitting me. Michael. And my father. And what my father saw...and did, and what I may one day do.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:50 AM
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I think I woke Mark up with my sobbing. I had sent a note to my mother telling her what was going on, and then writing that I didn't want to be like dad I just couldn't stop crying. Mark hugged me and came in and talked to me. Part of me wants to die. Part of me hates my life right now, with my jaw troubles, and my loss of the man who told me he wanted to be my husband...and I believe he meant it. Part of me wants to harness this energy and make positive changes in my life, the way I did last summer. But part of me knows that it's going to be hard, and I just don't feel that strong right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:46 AM
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I miss our texts. Our phone calls throughout the day. It's not been 24 hours yet, but I already know the difference. I'm alone.

DJ should be here within an hour to see if he wants any games that we're getting rid of. It will be nice to see him, but sad on a day like today.

Perhaps I'll watch Lost later. I know Michael is watching it and is just a few episodes behind me. I can watch, feeling that I'm sharing something with him. Maybe by the time the series ends, around May I'll be feeling like myself again.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:27 PM
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   Friday, January 22, 2010

The visit with DJ went well. It felt good to forget. I managed to smile. I had good conversations with Jen, Travis, and Mark. Each one helped for a little while. But only time can do the rest and it sucks.

Michael hooked up last night. I know because I still get those damned reports. I tried contacting him to see about removing the spyware, and he wants to try it on his own, but mostly he just wanted his Manhunt profiles back so he could fuck, which I gave him. I was tempted to intervene...but he's not mine anymore. So instead I layed down in my feeling-too-large bed and I managed to sleep while Michael got sucked and/or fucked some other guy(s?). I woke up at 4am. I posted on Facebook and went back to bed; waking up at 8am. Both times I woke up feeling good, but then the vastness of the changes to my life hit me and were extremely painful. I'll never cuddle or wrestle with him again; never give him a wet willy or scratch my nails down his back... I'll never make love with him again. I'll never see his cute little boy smile when he watches Christmas movies. I'm feeling so sentimental that I'm actually aching to watch Charmed and that Christmas movie he all but made me watch. I'll never sit in his car again, or see his apartment furnished, or smell the smoke, or hear him toot, or see his sleeping face, or hear him laugh, or see that look in his eyes when he talks about our married life, or hold his hand.... it goes on and on. And that's what hits me when I realize that it's over. It's true that I won't have the lies, or the cheating...but I've lost something else too, and it's killing me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:39 AM
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I just left Michael a voicemail. I was hoping he'd answer so I could hear his voice. I know we can't be together, and I said that in the message, but I don't want to lose everything we shared.

This sucks.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:46 AM
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Michael texted me and I called him, like I always do when he's sending me texts and we talked. He hooked up with Dave last night and talked to him about his life and his work and me and stuff. I'm not jealous. I hope it helped bring things into focus somewhat, or was a first step to some kind of clarity for him. He has a great need, and if I couldn't be there to help him with that, I'm glad someone else was; I'm glad he reached out to someone instead of just losing himself in a random meaningless sexual encounter.

I talked to him about all the things I'll miss if we never see each other again. He said that he never meant to not see me again, be that as a friend or as a boyfriend. But he has a lot of stress right now, and a lot of things about himself that he's not happy about and he needs to work on getting past that. I'll do anything I can to help. At the end of the conversation he said he was going to tell me something...just once and then hang up. Then he said that he'd made many choices in his life to try to be happy; to achieve happiness but now finds himself in a hole that he's not sure he can ever get out of. Then he said that the one thing he was sure of that he got right was loving me; that he loved me, and that breaking up with me was the worst mistake he'd aver made. Then I heard the tears in his voice as he told me he'd talk to me later and then said goodbye.

I want to believe that. Hopefully it's the truth and not just something he thought I'd like to hear. I miss him. I love him. I want him to be happy. And...I want to be happy too. Maybe I'll be happy with him again someday. Maybe I'll just be happy on my own, while being happy for him. I don't know what to think or want.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:10 PM
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I ate. I watched another episode of LOST (2x18 "Dave"); this one was lame in that I guessed all the twists before they happened. However the twist ending at the end of the previous episode (2x17 "Lockdown") was awesome. I have 6 more episodes in Season 2, which I hope to have done by the end of next week.

Michael just texted. He's gonna run to Staples and was hoping we could remove the spyware while he was out...so he wouldn't have to see me I guess. :-( Says I'm not the only one hurting and that he's both depressed & confused. I get that. But I need that spyware GONE; I don't need nightly updated on who he's fucking.

This really sucks.

Doing the dishes now. Gonna shave then head out to get groceries. Maybe I could stop by the comic shop and get the latest issue of Buffy and that 1 shot? Not sure. Mark got the printer working so I might print some pictures and put them up; I've not worked on my collage in well over a year. I'd also like to update my myspace page, and maybe take some new pictures as I've not done that since November.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:35 PM
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Went to the bank (for Mark) then to Mike Anderson's to drop off Star Wars books and a Dollhouse episode he'd not seen - a nice visit was had. Then we went to Michael Slaughter's apartment to drop off some stuff and remove the spyware from his computer. He didn't want to see me (or anyone) so he left when we were arriving; this made me sad. I noticed he's on the same disc of LOST as me. Weird. Then went to Meijer and Whole Foods. Mark & I got lots of groceries, and the majority of my stuff is healthy, with some borderline items, but no candy; I didn't even buy any chips. I've got about $14 left on my bridge card which is good.

Mark hurt his back again fixing the printer so he's been in a lot of pain, which sucks. I pumped the gas for him at the gas station and carried most of the groceries and stuff. I feel kind of cranky though. Maybe because I didn't get to see Michael and I was hoping I would. :-0(

When we got home we found another box of Star Wars books so we're wondering if one of the boxes we gave Mike Anderson was not Star Wars or if we just miscounted. I left Mike a voicemail telling him to get back to me on the issue.

Ugh. I'm coughing a lot more now that I've been out in the cool air. Lately the cough I have has been really mild...wish it was gone completely.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:26 PM
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One of my friends just let me know that Michael is on Manhunt looking for a blowjob. That shouldn't hurt me, but it does. I mean...he had sex with Dave last night so it's not like I could have sex with him now anyways...not unprotected. Maybe it hurts because he told me he doesn't want to see anybody, but he's not looking to spend his time alone. David is out of town and he's taking advantage of his time in the apartment on his own.

I shouldn't be surprised. And I shouldn't let this get to me. I should just chill out. He's doing what he wants to do and that's all there is to it. Maybe I've just been keeping him in a cage this whole time and he'll be happier now that he's free.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:38 PM
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Ok. I'm chatting on Manhunt too. And I'm not on Michael's page...or anything. Just chatting with some friends. He's apparently hit on at least 3 of them. And one of them said that they had an exchange that was beyond tacky, and that Michael is a cold hearted bitch (his exact words). Um...I don't know if my friends are just trying to make me feel better, but it's not working. I should just go to bed and let Michael have the entire internet to himself.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:28 PM
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   Saturday, January 23, 2010

Kept chatting online. Michael later texted me about LOST (he's bypassed me; he's 8 episodes ahead of me now) and then called me and it was all very laid back until it got all dramatic and painful. Michael feels that he has no friends; that people just depend on him until they can screw him over. He wants his life to end but doesn't want to commit suicide. When I told him I'd never screwed him over and that I was his friend and that I'd do anything to help him, he asked if I would kill him... He's definitely depressed. He's definitely needing help, but says he doesn't need anything from anyone. I'll do anything I can to help him, but I'm worried it won't be enough.

I'd write more, but I'm completely exhausted. All I'll say is that today (Friday) was very tough, but I'm thankful for all of my friends (I got to talk to Mollie briefly on the phone), and all of the encourgment they've given me. And for all the strangers who popped up out of the woodwork to tell me it wasn't my fault, and that I'm attractive and that everything will be ok in the end. Even the guys I turned down online were gracious tonight...and I'm grateful.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:58 AM
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I slept for about 4 hours before getting a text from Michael at 6:36am:

"Morning. I am so sorry. I messed up. I do want to be yours. I miss you so much. But I know right now we can't be in a relationship because I messed up. I hope one day we will be again. I love you."

I texted him back:

"I love you too. With all my heart."

He replied:

"I know you do honey. I am sorry that I fucked up. Maybe one day we can be together again as boyfriends. Take care."

I didn't respond. I tried to go back to sleep for about 20 minutes, thinking about everything. About how much I love him, but can't trust him, but want him to find happiness and to know his own worth, and find it within himself to love his life. And then I called him. We talked. I encouraged him to get back to his art; to find a creative outlet, but he says he doesn't have time or money right now, which I'd say is an excuse, but I know it's true. He's in a horrible bind. He feels trapped and I wish there was something I could do for him, but I don't see how there is right now. Perhaps the answer will come to me in time.

When I got off the phone with him I watched the televised version of the pilot to Caprica. They, surprisingly, did not take out all the lesbianism, though they took out some of the violence, and all of the nudity. It's still a very thoughtful, almost peaceful, beautiful beginning to the Caprica / BSG saga - which ends brilliantly. I look forward to seeing 1x02 next week!

Mark got Spartacus I think. I'll have to watch that later. I should watch some LOST too so I can talk to Michael aboout it. I might eat...or shower...or work on the collage in my room. I don't know what today will bring.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:04 AM
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Showered. Thought. Get lost in my thoughts these strange days. Everything feels slightly heightened. Like I'm on some kind of drug, only today, I'm not.

His lies return to haunt me. I can't trust him. Yet I love him. It circles round and round in my head. Sometimes there's pain and other times there is a soothing calm; sometimes theres a numbness akin to nothingness. I love him. He loves me. He hurts me. The cycle of love.

The day things ended he texted a boy and told him that he was considering leaving me for him. And within the same hour confessed his love for me. Within the same hour he beckoned me to service him, and to make ready an orgy of lust for him under the guise that it would sate his craven lust. I believed him. I trusted in my own longings to see me through. But in the following instant he betrayed what was nearly ripped from me.

When I slept last night I dreamt of a man I once knew named Phillip; like the prince in Sleeping Beauty. A bearded closeted factory worker with no female beard to protect him, who dexteriously crossed a river of lies to enter the continuously burning building of my dreams. The man I loved answered the door; led the Philly to his bedroom, removed his pants, and sat on the bed where Prince Phillip kneeled before the fire god and worshiped at his feet. I woke up shaking to a text from the fallen angel. And the rest is silence.

I should sleep more.

After the cleansing, I watched the first episode of Spartacus (1x01 The Red Serpent), which was like the horrifically lame 300, only slightly more watchable. It's LGBT inclusiveness is refreshing, and it's nudity / gore a welcome balm to my weary spirit. I've heard in reviews that the series gets better as it goes, which I hope is true, because I can't watch 300 for 13 weeks. I couldn't even make it through the first 15 minutes of the movie.

I might sleep. I feel weary. Or I might eat. I have fresh food to eat. We'll see what happens next.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:08 AM
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Had some hearts of romain lettice, with raspberry vinaigrette (something new for me, which I liked). Had some water, green goodness, and some toast.

Later I watched 2 episodes of LOST (2x19 "S.O.S." & 2x20 "Two For the Road"), which were both really good. The first episode had me in tears and the twist ending to the 2nd left me gasping. Wow. I'll watch more later.

Janice asked me to call her today so I'll probably do that soon. I could sure use some more sleep though.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:30 PM
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I watched the next episode of LOST (2x21 "?") which continued the trend of good episodes, then fell asleep for a bit. Got up. Ate. Read some Star Trek Forum. Read some Doctor Who Forum. I've now seen photographic evidence that Alex Kingston is filming more episodes of Who...what appears to be the finale of next season, which means River Song is likely to appear in 3 or 4 episodes! Awesome! :-0) Hopefully they all rock and set things up so that her previous appearances (in "Silence in the Library" / "Forest of the Dead") will be even cooler when rewatched!

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:41 PM
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I was watching the Season 2 finale of lost when Michael called. We talked for awhile then he let me go. I called Janice and talked to her for awhile; talked about a lot of stuff...even 1 thing that I've not told anybody else yet. Not sure how that will play out. Then I called Michael back, and several issues were raised...such as this profile that I opened like a week ago and might keep up now...stuff about my past and possibly future sexual relationship with Michael, and my trust issues and how they've progressed since this final breakup. I think this news hurt him, but I tried to make it clear that it's is not all bad. There are things that I don't miss at all (the lies, the cheating) but a whole host of things that I miss terribly and want back. I think he might have been crying at the end, and all I wanted to do was go to his apartment and hold him, but while I think that would help him tonight, I'm not sure it would in the long term...so I'm trying to be strong and just let some time pass. It's hell being away from him though.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:47 PM
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Finished Season 2 of LOST. Good ending. Watched the Special Features disc, which was less impressive than the ones found on Season 1. May start Season 3 now, or sleep. lol. Chat. I don't know. Something though. lol.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:21 PM
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