Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Not been feeling well the last few days. Also, I hurt my upper back somehow. Blah.

I liked the new Glee that was on last night. Hopefully sometime today the final Caprica will be posted.

Michael is coming over for cuddles later. He'll go home tomorrow evening.

I need groceries and will have to get those relatively soon.

Ugh. My back really hurts.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:31 AM
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Took a nap with some Ibuprofin. Michael is on his way here. I'm gonna eat and go back to bed. I'll soon have the finale to Caprica but I don't know that I'll be watching it today. Probably do so tomorrow. My eyes still feel weird; like there's a cat here or something. Not sure what that's about.

I miss Mollie.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:16 PM
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   Thursday, December 2, 2010

Michael came over. I watched the first half of the Caprica finale while I ate and then we slept about 7 hours I think. I got up and showered. Michael, Mark & I went to Kroger where Michael was kind enough to buy me groceries. I sometimes suspect that his sharing nature has to do with his guilt...he was online at Manhunt when he thought I wasn't looking. He has no reason to be guilty though and it doesn't bother me that he was there. He's not my boyfriend. We're not even having sex.

Came home. Ate. Watched Teen Titans. May watching something else now. Just watched the end of Dollhouse again. So amazing that a show that starts out SO HORRIBLY ends with such style and grace. If only more shows were given 2nd Seasons to allow for this. I can't help thinking that Caprica deserved a 2nd season and that knowing what they know now they could have given us an ending that wrapped up some stuff. So many interesting questions were raised, most of them tied to BSG in some way. Of course I've not seen the last 20 minutes or so and maybe there's something there, but I doubt it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:24 AM
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Watched more of Dollhouse. I shoult take a nap. I have an appointment at 11am to get vaccinated for Whooping Cough, which is having a resurgence in the area. It's free, which is nice, but it hurts your arm...and I don't really want to go. lol. It's for the best though.

I'm gonna make a shake...maybe finish Caprica, and then take a nap if I can. I might get more groceries today too.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:28 AM
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Finished Caprica. I was worried that the series would end on numerous cliffhangers, but what we got was much closer to the series finale of "Pusing Daisies", where it was obvious that there were many possible stories left to tell, and yet there was a HUGE amount of closure, so it actually works VERY WELL as a series finale, and sets up BSG extemely well. I'm very pleased with it, with some slight sadness that we might not learn the fates of a few characters, or the answers to a few mysteries, yet maybe we will if the next pilot is greenlit and that sequel / prequel is able to tap into some of this story. Very cool. And really looking forward to one day rewatching all of Caprica / BSG in order. Well done.

Michael and I argued this morning. I'm not sure where it came from. He said he felt like I didn't want him there, which wasn't the case at all. Weird.

Mark took me to get my vaccination; ended up getting vaccinated for several things. The nurse (Mary) that helped me was very nice. Then we went to Kroger for more groceries. Michael had said he'd take me today when he went shopping but he decided he was gonna go home (before we fought). Oh well. Home now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:16 PM
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   Saturday, December 4, 2010

Michael & I made up Thursday night. I spoke to Mollie; she's supposed to have the first of several surgeries today to get rid of some very large kidney stones; I'm worried about her. Mark is with Jennifer, a date on which he said they were going to watch Iron Man 2. I've not seen Iron Man 2. Part of me wants to watch it, while part of me wants to wait until The Avengers comes to theaters in 2012 and then watch all the movies leading up to it: Captain America, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man & Iron Man 2 - in whatever order they make the most sense in. My arm is slightly swollen and red and painful from the vaccinations Thursday - if it gets worse I'll go to the hospital.

I think I'm gonna eat, read, and I kind of feel like watching some movies. I never watch movies anymore. I'm thinking I might watch 'Prince Caspian'. We have it but I've never watched it - though I've read the book.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:59 PM
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   Sunday, December 5, 2010

Mark called not long after the last entry to check on me. I spoke to him and Jennifer both, Jennifer giving me advice for my arm, and Mark telling me he wasn't coming home last night - he won't be home until around noon. He stayed the night so he could drive Jennifer to the airport today as she's going to a week long conference in California. It's weird being the single one and being alone at home, not feeling well, while Mark & Jennifer (my Jennifer) play house.

Anyways, I watched "Prince Caspian" which I liked about as much as the first film. I did like a lot of the changes they made to the story, mostly in relation to Susan, who they made into a badass warrior and gave a bit of romance to with Caspian!?! Wacky. They also expanded on the raising of the White Witch idea (which never gets that far in the book), which was a nice touch. I think I'll probably like the 3rd film in the series better, as it's the kind of story that is probably better as a movie...yet the people who make these tend to make all the action (and there's plenty of action) extremely boring. How do they do that? lol

I made cookies and ate them while I watched "Predators". It's also an ok movie. There were things I liked a lot about it, and things I didn't. Most of the things that I didn't like were homages to the first Predator movie (with Royce having the same dialogue as Dutch at the end - the music played during the closing credits - and the military in the jungle imagery in general) - while I appreciated the actual reference to the first film and how that tied into this one. Having now seen all the current movies in the series (3 more are in developement: a Predators sequel and 2 Alien prequels), this is how I'd rate them:

Predator ***
Predator 2 **
Alien vs. Predator ****
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem *
Predators ***
Alien *****
Aliens *****
Alien 3 *****
Alien: Resurrection ****

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:06 AM
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Either my arm is improving...or I'm getting used to the pain. Not sure. The redness seems to be spreading, but the swelling seems to be less. Not sure if that's good or bad.

Mark's on his way home. He got to 2nd base with Jennifer. Weird. Not weird that Mark got to 2nd base with a date, though I don't think that's happened since he dated me, but because it's Jennifer. Last night, Jennifer recommended that I take an antihistamine and that it would probably knock me out...and this little red flag shot up...cause Michael would encourage me to sleep when he would cheat on me (now it's hard for me to hear someone suggest sleep and not feel like they have ulterior motives), only she's not cheating on me...and Mark isn't cheating on me. They're my friends and I love them and I need to get out of this head space where them being together hurts me because it's not healthy, and it's probably not even worth it. Like...it's probably a really great thing and I'm just feeling weird cause I'm not involved - you know? Like I'm usually the conduit between Jennifer & Mark and now they have their own thing so I feel disconnected? I don't know if that's really what I'm feeling but I honestly don't know what I'm feeling except confusion and anxiety.

I'm probably gonna take another allergy capsule and go to sleep. I'm tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:47 AM
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   Monday, December 6, 2010

I slept a bit. Mark is worried about my arm. Jennifer thought
it might be a blood clot but it's seeming less serious now and
I'm just chilling until tomorrow unless it gets worse. I think
it's improved.

Mark says we have to pay the balance on my bite guard by
the 15th. It's over $300 and we're broke...and Michael was
gonna pay for it but he couldn't pay one month and Mark
took over, not realizing that Michael was gonna continue to
pay...and I lost track of everything...like I always do. I've got
such a good memory for drama, but I forget a lot of really
important shit.

The mention of the bite guard brought a lot of anziety
rushing to the surface connected to our lack of money and
what created the need for the bite guard in the first place. I
just jerked off, took a long hot shower, and then a xanax to
help take the edge off. My stomach feels slightly upset now
though. Hopefully I can hold it together.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:35 AM
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Played 'Wheel of Fortune' online. Watched "Let The Right One
In"; cool movie. I look forward to seeing the remake. I should
probably sleep, though I'm not sure I can. I'll get the new
'Brothers & Sisters' & 'Desperate Housewives' at least. I might
eat.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:05 AM
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   Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I watched the new 'Brothers & Sisters' yesterday morning,
which I loved. I later read that ratings wise the episode
tied with it's lowest rated episode ever. I don't want the
series to be cancelled as I'm enjoying this season far more
than the last 2 (it's regained a lot of fun and a pleasing
new direction), but like all my shows, if were to end well, I
would also be pleased that the final season was better
than a few previous seasons.

I slept later that day. My arm has improved tremendously!
Mark has been taking good care of me :) We've talked
more about he & Jennifer and I'm starting to come around
to the idea. It's still a bit weird, but change always is, I
guess.

So...still super worried about money. Michael will find out
on Thursday how much money he can give me. After that I
have to try to borrow money from a relative. I hate asking
for money...which is why I never do it if I can help it. It's
been, I think, at least 8 or 9 years since I've done so.

Michael has the internet again. This makes me sad. I'd
thought that perhaps he'd not have sex for 3 months, and
he'd get tested, and we could finally be together again, at
least physically...but he's already been on Manhunt and
I'm sure he'll be there often. I cried when I realized this.
It's not like I thought he'd ever be my boyfriend again...but
knowing that I'll never have him again sucks.

I started watching the 'GI Joe' movie last night. It seems
fun in a stupid kind of way, which doesn't bother me,
because that's exactly how the show was when I was a kid.
So far I like it much better than 'Transformers' which was
horribly stupid, though I know someone who has almost
convinced me to give the latter a 2nd chance. Almost.
We'll see.

I had dreams inspired by 'Let The Right One In' with
violent but sympathetic child vampires. I also dreamt
about being on my parents' property and seeing an
amazing cloud formation. I went to get the camera to take
a picture of it and saw another one, which was equally
beautiful. I was naked, but this wasn't freaky. I got the
camera but couldn't get the shot because it started to rain.
Later I was downtown A2. Downtown A2 is always the
same in my dreams, yet very different from reality. Later
still, I was with Mark on campus and met these stuck up
girls who turned out to be really cool. We went to this odd
eatery and talked about going to an A&W for fries. We
went to the mall and I ran into this crazy sexy group of
gays that I'd not seen in years...I think they're from other
dreams that I've had; not real people. I saw a girl from
another dream...she threw up and I asked her about this
and she said it happens every day. I told her about gastro
paresis and to talk to her doctor about it. I wanted to say
goodbye to all the people but I missed most of them. Back
at my parents I was walking naked through a field and
remembering having phone conversations with a wise
older gay man back when I was younger (something else
from previous dreams) and thinking about calling him to
tell him how much he'd meant to me. The wind came up,
and the greenery around me moved, shaking in the wind,
which felt fantastic...and I woke up smiling, yet slightly
sad. And I wrote this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:42 AM
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   Thursday, December 9, 2010

The new Glee was fun Tuesday night ("A Very Glee
Christmas"). I've not gone back to GI Joe: Rise of the
Cobra, but I might get back to it soon.

Some good news. My mouthguard bill will be paid off
tonight...if they accept credit cards...which they might not.
But the mortgage payment, due on the 28th will be paid.
That's big news because Mark has $10.00 in his wallet and
negative 500 something in his bank. I have $91.00 in the
bank. No income to contribute since I get my own food
and have no bills. Mark had 1 job interview (downtown A2)
and is on the phone with someone else now with someone
else in California. We don't want to move...but what choice
do we really have?

Oh...so the person paying off the mouthguard? Michael, as
he promised he would. He missed some payments, but
this is the important one. And him paying the mortgage
payment? He says he loves us and we've done a lot for
him...and that he's done a lot TO me to hurt me and
also...that he doesn't want us to have to move cause he
doesn't want to lose us. That made me cry.

It sounds like the California call isn't going go anywhere; I
just heard Mark say "I'm sorry for wasting your time." They
didn't offer him enough money for the cost of living there
for the both of us - they hadn't offered him the job either,
that was just something they were discussing. Part of me
would really like moving to California because I think it
would be great for my jaw...and I'd be closer to Paul. But I
don't want to live Ann Arbor unless we have to.

Turns out you can't pay the mouth guard bill with a credit
card. We got Michael's checking info and used that. Done.
Michael sounded weird on the phone; I hope he's ok.

I feel good that we're trying to find answers and reaching
out to people...but super stressed. I may take a xanax
later.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:58 PM
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   Friday, December 10, 2010

I didn't take a xanax yesterday. lol. I did sleep well; Mark got
some important work done and we went shopping at Meijer. I
gave him the $25.00 I had in my wallet so he could get food.
I was glad that I had something to contribute. I got groceries.
Later I ate...and threw up a bit. Not a lot. I slept more. I got
up and worked on my farm. I talked to Michael on the phone.
I finished GI Joe, which I kind of enjoyed. It's stupid fun, but
it's probably the best of the 4 Stephen Sommers movie I've
ever seen, which I think might be because I knew the
characters and liked a lot of the actors before seeing the
film. I liked "The Mummy Returns" also, but hated "The
Mummy" & "Van Helsing". He's been involved in all the other
Mummy movies (which he didn't direct) and I've disliked all of
those too. There will be a GI Joe Sequel, which all the actors
are required to return for, so I'm hoping I'll enjoy that too.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:12 AM
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   Saturday, December 11, 2010

Had a good Friday. Spoke to my dad. Janice, her kids & I will
be visiting with our bio-dad on Friday, December 31. I spoke
to Michael. My stomach troubles continue; not as horrible as
they could be, and these problems have been with me not
taking my pills. I took a Reglan later with food and was fine. I
also took some Midrin as I had a horrible headache. I slept
and when I woke the headache was gone. Mark & I picked
Jennifer up from the airport then hung out at her house for a
bit, which was fun apart from my allergies. Jennifer filled our
gas tank and after hearing about our money troubles says
that she'll pay our next mortgage payment after the one
Michael is paying (assuming Mark doesn't have a job by then
- which I'm really hoping isn't the case). I'm looking forward
to Christmas Eve in a way because Grandma always gives
Mark & I money, and I can give him mine and Mark can use
that money for food. Christmas is 2 weeks from today,
meaning the Doctor Who Christmas Special will air in 2 weeks
and I'll finally be able to see how Season 32 ends and Season
33 begins; that special will be available on DVD February 15,
but as it stands, I don't have the previous season on DVD;
can't afford it right now. I started watching "Coraline" last
night; I like it and have about a half hour left I think.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:04 AM
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   Monday, December 13, 2010

I finished Coraline on Saturday; fun movie which reminded
me a lot of 'The Thief of Always'. Also on Saturday, just
after the last entry, my sister Janice called and asked if I
could meet her later. I told her I couldn't because Mark
needed the car to see Jennifer but I could come right then.
Mark joined me. Janice gave us a $300 check, $30.00 for
gas, and a bunch of groceries for Mark. She also hugged
Mark and told him she loved him. We headed out. On the
way home, Jennifer called. When we got home Mark went
in his room to talk to her and she told him she doesn't
want to be his girlfriend. :-( WHAT? Less than 24 hours
ago she was talking about being mad that Mark hadn't
kissed her when they were in Vermont and stuff...and
she's sending some pretty strange signals IMO. I don't get
it. And Mark doesn't get it. And it's all a bit confusing. :-(

Later on Saturday, Michael came over. We cuddled and
slept. Today we had protected sex - which was
FANTASTIC. He says he's not gonna have sex with anyone
else for a few months and just be with me...which I want
to believe, but I'm just gonna try to think of it as an
unlikely possible outcome - if it happens, that's great. If
not, no big. Just move along. He left pretty early on
Sunday because of the BLIZZARD. Blah.

I watched "Shrek Forever After" on Sunday, which I enjoyed
far more than Shrek 2 or Shrek 3. It's set up as the last
film, though there have been a few short specials since
then (which have all been good), and there will be a 'Puss
In Boots' spin-off movie next year. I'm all for it. As I see it,
the Shrek movies are mostly good, with Parts 2 & 3 being
the weak links; even those aren't terrible though...they
just aren't as cool as the other installments.

Been playing FarmTown again. I had a headache earlier
and slept...Mark woke me up around midnight to tell me
that some hackers had hacked a website and posted my
name and password and so I got up and went to any other
sites that shared that name and password that I could
think of - most of them seem unlikely to be invaded, with
the big ones already having different info. It's cool that
Mark had that info. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:59 AM
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   Tuesday, December 21, 2010

So...I somehow didn't write in my blog for a week. Not
sure how that happened. A lot happened. Mark is getting
some interesting job offers. Um...not sure if this happened
during the week but Jennifer & Mark broke up...but are
now back together. Michael started sleeping with other
boys again, which is fine. I had a doctor's appointment
which revealed that my idiopathic gastro paresis can't be
classified as a disability or a handicap!?! I also have to
have another gastric emptying test and fail it to get my
meds back. The test is tomorrow morning. I went to Necto
Friday night; the first time I'd been out like that since mid
September. I danced. I drank. I drank shots that were lit on
fire. I got very buzzed, if not drunk. I met people. I talked.
I laughed. I got groped. And a cute 23yo boy named Josh
kissed me. Sunday marked 15 years since I met Mark.
Been watching Ally McBeal; Season 4 is definitely my
favorite. All caught up on Brothers & Sisters. I have the
test tomorrow. Friday I'm going to my Grandma's for
Christmas Eve. Christmas day DOCTOR WHO is on! Michael
is coming over that night. I might start watching The
Clone Wars series. I watched the first few episodes and
wasn't impressed but people swear that it's gotten better.
Still having trouble reading books; I'm only like 3 pages
deeper in the book I'm reading. I miss Mollie. There's
probably more that happened or more I could say but I
just woke up from a wonderful night of nearly 12 hours
sleep - THANK YOU XANAX! :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:41 AM
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   Monday, December 27, 2010

So last week was mostly hell. I cancelled my appointment on
Thursday because my stomach wasn't upset...only later that
day it was. :( Friday evening Mark & I went to Gradma &
Gradpa's & then Mark's parents for Christmas Eve - lots of
fun. Saturday Mark had a date with Jennifer and Michael came
over to keep me company. We had sex (very hot, safe) went
to the store, ate, watched the new Doctor Who Christmas
Special ("A Christmas Carol", which I liked) and the first Harry
Potter movie. We slept well, entangled together. My stomach
was ok Friday-Saturday, but Sunday it got upset again.
Michael left. Jennifer came over that night and we all played
Wii. She went home and Mark & I snuggled together. I woke
up with a sore throat and a migrain. I took Midrin & slept
more. Later I woke up with body aches; possibly have a
cold...or I'm just sore from playing the Wii after so long. My
headache is back though. Working on my farm. Not feeling
fun at all right now.

Trying to sort out Season 32 of the Whoniverse...and I'm sort
of stuck, which I'm not happy about. :( Bad day.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:15 PM
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   Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I beat on my door until my hand was bleeding, then sliced at
my arm with a pair of scissors. This is the first time I've cut
myself to feel better in many years.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:08 PM
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   Thursday, December 30, 2010

Things are better.

Mark & I are ok. We'd been fighting. Michael & I are good...I
think. Our friendship is so odd.

I just got caught up on Smallville and the last episode was
pretty awesome...but had a very random sort of cliffhanger
that I wasn't expecting.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:04 AM
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   Friday, December 31, 2010

Rough day. I saw dad, Janice & the kids today. It was all
good...except I had this freak out moment about food with
Janice. My eating disorder is heavily tied into stuff that
happened with her & my dad when I was a kid so eating
around them is hard sometimes...and while I smoothed
things out with Janice it was at the back of my head when
they left. Mark took my dad home and I cried. I wanted to
sleep but Mark offered to bring me some food and I
felt...like I wanted to eat to make him happy...I should
have just gone to bed, but I waited until after I ate...the
food was good but I think it was a mistake when all this
emotional baggage was swirling around in my head. I slept
for a few hours. I got up when Mark left to spend the
holiday with Jennifer. I think this is the first New Year's Eve
I've not spent with Mark in all the years that I've known
him...so more vulnerable feelings. Then Michael texted
around the time he was supposed to be here to tell me
that he was drunk and did I mind if he was late...and I just
felt so abandoned and all this flashback shit hit me and I
wanted to rip out my insides...like...with a knife. It
seriously took actual real life willpower to not start cutting
again. I know I'm stronger than this. It's just when the
flashbacks come it's like I'm not an adult so I'm not...it's
hard to be rational with that kind of non-reality exploding
around you.

I think I'm just suffering some abandonment issues with
Janice, because I remember all this stuff and I go through
it...and she doesn't. Maybe that makes her stronger. I
don't know. I'm so fucking damaged from the whole thing.
And with Mark gone & Michael not arriving...it's just not a
good night. It's a long night. I have to pull myself out of
this though. Michael just texted asking if I wanted to come
back to the party with him, but I'm now all tearstained and
jittery...and if I'm not seeing him at midnight, what's the
point?

Maybe the point is to get through it all alone. I can sort
this out. I know I can. I've done it before. I just feel very
alone...and I've not had to face these kinds of monsters on
my own in a vey long time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:41 PM
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