Wednesday, January 5, 2011

New Year's Eve was hell. Just...emotional hell. Alone. I wanted
to die. Interestingly this marked the time that Mark & Jennifer
consumated their relationship, though I didn't know that at
the time. All I wanted to do was cut myself open to stop the
pain I was feeling. Ugh.

Saturday things slowly improved.

Sunday, Michael joined me. We had really hot sex. We
watched Harry Potter 2. We cuddled. I was shockingly horny
and wanted to get fucked again, but Michael wasn't up to it.
Michael left Monday morning. I had a Doctor's appointment
about my jaw that day; my MRI just confirmed what we knew
and nothing's changed. Oh well. At least if I need a followup
appointment at UofM it should take less than a year now.
Went grocery shopping and found the faux chicken I love on
sale. Yum.

Monday night - now...I've watched random stuff, played farm
town, chatted. Feeling oddly vulnerable. Not sure where to go
from here.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:36 AM
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   Thursday, January 6, 2011

Ate. Chatted on line. Watched an episode of 'Shameless';
loving the show so far. I have one more and I'm caught up.
I'm sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:04 PM
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   Saturday, January 8, 2011

I've not had any cold medecine in like 24 hours and I feel
pretty good. My stomach is still bothering me, but not as bad
as it was. Call that progress.

I finished Season 27 of the Whoniverse. I just watched:

27x12 Bad Wolf [Part I]
27x13 The Parting of the Ways [Part II]
27x14 Children in Need [Part III]
27x15 The Christmas Invasion [Part IV]

Part of me wants to continue on with Season 28, and part of
me wants to go to sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:37 AM
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   Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Warmed up the car. Drove Mark to work. Came home. Started
sorting this huge pile of mail. Bacgged up the trash. Started
laundry. Sorted a bunch of clothes / books / stuff in my
closet. Did the dishes and emptied the washer. Made my bed.
Scrubbed the toilet. Cleaned out my electric razor. Shaved.
Burned 4 discs for Michael. I have laundry in the washer &
dryer; that's it for my clothes but I need to wash towels. I
also need to trim and shower. I need to eat. I need to take
out the trash / recycles...but it's snowing out and I'm naked.
lol And I have to pick Mark up at 6pm. And I'd really love to
take a nap but there's no time. Michael's planning on coming
over tonight, probably late due to work, laundry and the
roads - and staying until Thursday.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:58 PM
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   Thursday, January 13, 2011

I tried to sleep but started throwing up again. I read more of
Wicked. Loving it. Dr. Dilimond, who appeared in a dream
and inspired me to reread the book, is now dead. My
computer freaked out and I had to restart it...it seems ok
now. I hope all is well. I'd so love to lay down and sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:50 AM
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   Sunday, January 23, 2011

Since Wednesday: I finished Episode II, watched the Clone
Wars Micro Series, and started The Clone Wars series. I
spoke to several relatives, including Janice, Grandma
Phillips, my step-father, my mom, and online I talked to
my cousin Jesse.

The major events that happened concern my evolving
relationship with Michael Slaughter. Thursday night he lied
to me. It hurt. I struggled with if I should confront him or
not and decided against it. But then I found out that a few
hours later he broke a promise to me, and I was left
extremely hurt again, with added layers of humiliation,
doubt, pain, and exhaustion. I needed a change...or at the
very least a break. The relationship I wanted with Michael
was doomed; he couldn't be faithful. The new friendship
we formed, which was a huge compromise for me, was
basically an open relationship where we could sleep with
whomever we wanted and still have all the things we had
before...the only thing I required was honesty. But he
wasn't capable of that either. And I have to let that go. I
love him and I cherished our friendship, but if I can't have
honesty there's no point. I'll just keep getting hurt. He had
options. He's always had options. When we were a couple
he could have talked about his feeling or broken up with
me but instead he cheated. In our new friendship he could
have told me that some things were none of my business
or that he didn't want to talk about stuff - but instead he
chose to lie. This is not acceptable. And I need to protect
myself from pain. I love him, but this is killing me.

The thing is...I miss him. Yet, there's this huge sense of
relief that I don't have to worry about being hurt by him
again. There's love there and there's concern for his well-
being. He's in a very dark place right now. And I'm still
trying to find ways to help him...without sacrificing myself.
It's tricky.

I watched Harry Potter 6 last night. Michael & I had been
watching the series together. In fact, I'd not seen 6 since
seeing it in the theater with Michael in 2009. It's an odd
sort of movie; it's an odd sort of adaptation...it's ok, but
kind of all set up for 7 & 8 (which is how the book feels
too, so I guess they captured it).

I need to find my happiness.

I've got the new Spartacus episode but I've not watched it
yet.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:08 AM
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   Monday, January 24, 2011

Slept well Sunday night. Did the dishes. Drove Mark to work.
Washed some towels. Watched some Graham Norton. Read a
magazine. Ate. Chatted. Picked up Mark from work. Went to
Rite Aid, Kroger & Meijer. Home now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:53 PM
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   Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Chatted with a friend last night. Read a bit of WICKED, then
slept. Had good dreams and slept well. Drove Mark to Work.
Did the facebook thing. Read more of WICKED. Spoke to
Carrie & Chris V. Good day so far.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:56 AM
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Finished the 3rd section of WICKED. Chatted with a nice guy
named Steve. I'm very sleepy but I have to get ready to pick
up Mark. I was just laying, naked on my bed, thinking about
Michael, and wondering if I didn't just dream him up? I feel
very much like I've woken from a long sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:28 PM
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Picked up Mark. Chatted. Have a headache.

Missing Michael right now. It's complicated, the layers of
feelings I'm feeling at the moment. Not missing what I had
exactly, but what I wanted to have with him, but never really
got? It's odd.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:34 PM
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   Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Slept about 5 hours I think. Strange dreams. I feel
emotionally bruised.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:24 AM
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Drove Mark to work. Watched Chelsea Lately, and Inside the
Actors Studio. Had a shake. Got an e-mail from Michael this
morning. I called him later. His computer is fucked up and
he's lonely. I told him I love him and that I don't want
anything bad to happen to him, but that he can't give me
what I need right now (honesty) and that I need to find my
own way...and maybe down the line I can be a different kind
of friend to him. One that doesn't NEED the level of intimacy
that I require of him now - and one not hurt by his
dishonesty. He said he had to go; he sounded upset. I hope
he'll be ok. I hope I'll be ok. I miss him but this feels right.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:08 PM
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Ate. Chatted on line. Watched an episode of 'Shameless';
loving the show so far. I have one more and I'm caught up.
I'm sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:04 PM
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Picked up Mark from work. Still sleepy. Amber said she
wanted to talk but I don't have her current number
(apparently, as I called the old one and it was wrong). Blah. I
might TRY to watch that latest Shameless episode.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:06 PM
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Watched Shameless 1x03. I officially love the show. :) I want
more NOW.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:50 PM
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   Thursday, January 27, 2011

Talked to Michael again; he called. He had just discovered
that I'd started blocking his texts (which I'd started on
Friday); he needed help with his computer, but I guess he got
it working. I slept after that. Woke around 7:30am. I've got to
get Mark to work soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:28 AM
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Got Mark to work ontime. Grumpy this morning though I'm
not sure why.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:39 AM
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Had kind of a bad day. I felt OFF. Been having good days and
then...I just wasn't. I lost something that I had found. Peace.
Quiet. The quiet wasn't enough today. But it's getting better I
think.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:47 PM
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   Saturday, January 29, 2011

Made Mark his breakfast Friday morning; got him to work.
Had a headache. Read. Chilled. Got Mark home on time.
Chatted. Played games. Watched Clone Wars with Mark. Slept.

Been in a weird funk the last few days but I'm trying to pull
myself out. Gonna shave. And dance. I can do this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:28 PM
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Took pictures of my beard. Shaved. Trimmed. Showered.
Gonna go to Rite Aid & grocery store with Mark. Take more
pictures later. Strike that. Mark just told me that the
pharmacy closed at 6pm; when I asked him earlier he was
sure they were open later. Damn it. Oh well. He says it's ok.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:45 PM
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Went to Kroger / Little Caesares. Fun was had. Michael
stopped by to visit; first time I've seen him in over a week.
That doesn't sound like much but we've hardly spoken either
and we've not texted at all - and we used to text like 10
times a day and have at least 1 phone conversation as well
(usually more) - so it feels like longer. He'd just had a fuck
date and was upfront and honest about it which I respect. It
was a nice visit and it was good to see him. I'm taking some
pictures and hoping to update my Manhunt profile. I need to
be more open about exactly what I want too - which includes
a good fucking, cause lord knows I need it. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:32 PM
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