Sunday, June 19, 2011

Caleb called me last night and was soon back at the
condo. The 4 of us played Rock Band and had frozen
mixed drinks. We played a game of Euchre and then went
to get food from LC & Taco Bell. When I said I wanted LC
Gen made gagging noises, and being the only one in the
group who didn't eat at TB made me feel lonely. I couldn't
stop thinking about the hospital. When they went to drop
me off at LC I threw up...so I skipped food again. We went
to TB and home. At this point I was just trying to hold it
together. We played more euchre.

Gen sort of freaked when she heard that I proposed to
Mark around my 31st birthday and wanted to know why
she'd not heard this before...well...because I don't talk
about it that often and I've only seen her in person like 4
times? And Mark doesn't even remember it. She was
talking about how she wants to make Mark a mixed cd
and she wants to make sure that none of the songs are
ones that I've used for him in the past. We're getting along
this weekend...but a lot of the things she says and does
hurt me. I odn't know if that's because of her or because
I'm sensitive right now.

Gen and Mark headed to bed. Caleb and I had a serious
talk. I told him about my stomach and I was honest about
my current depression...more honest about it than I've
been with anyone except Mark I think...perhaps because I
was feeling it all so strongly at that point. He was cool
with everything. I told him about what Michael did to me
and how I just instantly think the worst of people now and
how much I hate that...like when he told me earlier that
he'd been driving around and ended up in this one part of
Detroit...I instantly thought he'd just hooked up with a guy
or two, because Michael would do that - he'd call me right
after cheating and tell me some weird story like he was
guilty or trying to cover his tracks...or more likely getting
off on it. I told him I didn't really think he did that...but
that those are the first things that pop into my head now. I
told him about how I liked a lot of stuff about him but I
was pretty sure he was a bottom and that even if he
wasn't, he just got out of 2 year relationship and probably
has all sorts of stuff to work though, just as I obviously
do. It went well...I felt good for confronting everything and
being so honest about some difficult topics...we struggled
with if we should cuddle or he should leave...but in the
end he left to avoid confusion as we're both still attracted
to each other. We kissed goodnight. As he walked away he
said I could still text him and we could hang out. I'm not
sure about that last part...partly because of the attraction
and partly because I'm seriously fucked up right now and I
don't want to risk hurting him if I can't handle everything
that's going on. I pretty much went directly to sleep.

I woke up sad. I'm obviously not in love with him. lol. But
it's sad to lose a potential boyfriend who's been a
potential lover for several years now. Then there's Gen. I
think limited contact with her at the moment might still be
a good thing. She hurts me...and I don't think most of it is
intentional...though some of it might be. And right now
I'm very vulnerable. I'm sort of teetering on the brink of a
very serious depression and it could get very bad very
quickly and if it does I can see myself losing control and
I'm very scared right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:39 AM
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I know this sensation. I lived through several years of it. I
thought I was just lonely or sad but it wasn't either of those
things. Depression is crashing down on me. I thought crying
might help so I went in to take a long shower to cover the
sound so to not bother Mark or Gen...only Mark & Gen then
kept coming into the bathroom. Oh well.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:21 AM
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Gen left shortly after my last entry I think. I was still tired,
having not slept very much since Thursday. Mark came in
my room and got me talking, though I didn't tell him
everything. He admitted that things might not work with
Gen, because, like me, he thinks that she's awesome...but
then she gets jealous and then things get ugly and hurtful.
It's sort of like Michael; he was always very jealous and it
was terrible...yet at the same time he didn't lash out at
Mark about it and spent times with just Mark for company.
Michael didn't also see the need to claim me as his at
every opportunity the way that Gen does to Mark when I'm
around...and her insecurity makes me feel uncomfortable.
I never know when it's going to pop up or make a fun
moment horrible...and when those moments do happen, I
feel like I can't call her on it because then she gets even
more upset...or I come off as a bitch and...it's just
unfortunate...because when she's confident and maybe
forgets to think of me as this imagined threat to her she's
cool...but then something happens and she goes on this
subtle offensive...I thought maybe I was imagining it but
others have noticed it too.

I was really sinking fast into the depression last night /
this morning. I couldn't focus on anything...and it was
difficult to hold a conversation with anyone, which isn't
like me. I could tell Mark picked up on this. Gen even
noticed last night; she commented on it and I told her the
truth, which is that this has just been really hard week.
Things are getting bad so quickly and so overwhelmingly
that I'm having trouble expressing how thick the darkness
really is. I can see and feel it happening yet I can't seem to
stop it as I have in the past. It's very surreal.

Mark put his arm around me and I drifted in and out of
sleep, eventually staying asleep for a few hours. Mark
went with me to get groceries and I traded a few texts
with Caleb, who may become a close friend...or not. I
suppose it's too early to say as these things take time and
who knows what will happen next? I don't see him
becoming an enemy or someone I don't like is what I
mean, I guess. And we may stay in touch. So that could be
good.

I got some LC that I ate on the way home; the first meal I'd
had in about 24 hours, which stayed down. When Caleb
was here it was difficult for me to eat because I was
worried about getting sick in front of him; one of the
many things we talked about last night before he went
home...and he said he'd have been fine with it, and I
believe him. Because I'm in this state of depression that
seems to be getting worse I find myself feeling extra
vulnerable and worried how my eating is viewed by others.
Gen made fun of LC food which I'd been craving for days
while talking up Taco Bell, which I don't like...and then I
was the only one getting the food she'd insulted and I
felt...stupid or like a freak and I'm sure she didn't mean it
that way...she doesn't know what I'm going through and I
think most people would be fine with these kinds of
comments and I feel bad for just feeling bad about it. But I
did. I do.

I'm expressing stuff here. That's good. The conversation
with Caleb last night was also good, though not easy at
all. Honesty is key to survival at the moment. If I don't
express that I need help, I won't get it...and I really do
need help right now. I wish...I wish I could talk to my
friends that have gone through this but most of them are
dead and the others are...well, they just aren't viable.

I felt exposed when we went to the store. Like the
environment and being outside was dangerous for me.
Like the breeze would cut through me and that people
near me would either find me invisible or if not, then a
single look might destroy me. I was concious of this and
struggling to pull myself out...I was trying to talk normally
though. It was sort of like being stoned and then trying to
pretend that you're not. I thought if I could talk like
nothing was wrong that it might pull me out of the funk I
was in...and it did help slightly I think.

Shopping, I stayed under my budget...which is good. I
want to get some berries / fruit to snack on this week. I'm
eating a bit less lately, which worries me, yet it's
understandable given that I've been sick so often lately
and that I don't want to be sick again right now...yet I have
to eat. Usually I'm ok...or at least I have been for a long
while and the last few months have been really horrible.
With Gen needing so much of Mark's attention it's robbed
me of a bit of the attention that Mark gives me, which is
not the same as the attention he gives her - my
relationship with Mark is very different...it's more a
support kind of thing that we give each other, yet it's hard
to give or get that attention when she's around because
she's so threatened by it...yet I'm starting to worry if I can
handle not having that attention right now, and not
because I'm threatened by her as a gf who might take my
bf away - but as someone who might change the way that
my support system works which has kept me alive for
15.5 years - today is actually our 15.5 year anniversary as
friends. When she's not around he's very giving...and I
hope I am too...but when she's here it's like I can't just
give him something and he can't be there for me because
it will be taken as something more than what it is - which
is just honest affection and caring - and NOT a call for a
reunion of lovers or boyfriends or whatever. To think of us
as boyfriend or lovers seems like a perversion and almost
an insult to what it is that we do share. And I hate to see
our friendship through her eyes because it becomes this
twisted threatening thing...and that thing, whatever it is, is
the best and longest-lasting, most special relationship I've
ever known.

It looks like I've missed some calls from Travis. Or my
phone called him in my pocket. I don't know. I'll give him a
call soon.

I might edit some more BSG / Caprica. I might watch some
Justice League; I was thinking about it earlier and it might
be nice to revisit something right now. Something safe
and comforting.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:22 PM
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I played FarmTown for awhile. They've added more levels and
stuff. I didn't plant any crops though I added something like
300 more trees. Distracting, relaxing, non-fun sort of fun. lol

I jacked off. First orgasm since Friday. It helped. Nice shower;
some food from earlier came up, but very little - so much
better than it could have been. Read some news. I'll probably
call Travis. Have a snack and then either watch Justice League
or do the Cap/BSG thing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:24 PM
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   Monday, June 20, 2011

After the last entry I called Travis but he didn't answer so I
left him a voicemail. I was going to watch some Justice
League but then I remembered that I now have every episode
of Static Shock and that I need to watch those so I can figure
out how they integrate with the rest of the DCAU. I know that
they take place around the same time as Justice League
because there are crossover episodes and cross references,
but beyond that I don't know how it works. Mark helped get
me the episodes around late 2009 but at that time I had just
found out about Michael cheating on me and was pretty
devastated and I couldn't bring myself to get back into the
work I was doing.

Anyways, I watched the first episode of Static Shock (1x01
Shock to the System) and then Mark got home and we talked
for a bit, then he left and I went to sleep, expecting to take a
brief nap but I slept until 6:01am. I'm ok with that. Sleep is
good. I feel pretty good right now. I really need to eat though
as it's now been over 12 hours since my last meal. I really did
plan on having something to eat last night, I even talked
about it with Mark right before I fell asleep.

Well...I should do that eating thing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:19 AM
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Still haven't eaten, but I'm getting ready to. I worked on
FarmTown. I planted 4 day crops so they should be ready
Thursday night. Then I made Mark his breakfast. I got
some stuff started for mine. I took a prilosec.

When I got onto Facebook there was a post on my wall by
some guy who friended me at random. He said that I focus
too much on my sexuality and that it's just 1% of who I am
and that I should focus on the other 99%. I think he meant
all the gay rights news that I post...I can't imagine it's
anything else as sex has very little to do with what I post
on Facebook. And I've had very little sex this year. lol. I
find it annoying that someone who I don't think I've ever
even spoken too would say something like this to me; it
might be different if it was coming from a friend, but it
wasn't - it was coming from a stranger. And it was coming
from someone who doesn't know that I'm actually
struggling to get back in touch with my sexuality - not
just having sex, but my writing which has always in some
form been informed by sex. I've written about other
things, certainly, but it doesn't galvanize me the way
sexuality does...and I've lost that somewhere in the last
few years and I'm trying so hard to get back to that place
where it worked. Anyways...I deleted him from my friends
list and blocked him...I think he crossed the line with the
comment. He didn't say hello or try to get to know me or
understand me before spitting that at me. That says a lot
about him I think...and the fact that he wanted me to not
focus on those types of news stories probably says at least
as much about him as it does about me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:24 AM
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I ate. Mark left for work. I watched episode 2 of Static; there
are 52 episodes total (plus 2 crossover episodes of JLU) so
I've got 50 more to go. Slow morning, which is fine actually.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:04 AM
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I got a bit ill, but I was hungry and ate more. My jaw, which I
fucked up this weekend somehow...it's hurting, and there's
more popping to it then there has been in a very long time,
which worries me. I watched the season finale to "A Game of
Thrones", which felt more like set-up for next season than an
ending to this one, if that makes any sense. Season 2 begins
airing next month though I believe it doesn't being airing
until April 2012.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:28 PM
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I fell asleep watching Caprica and woke up with a headache. I
just had a light snack (soy chicken with vanilla chai tea) plus
some painkiller. Hopefully it helps.

Woah. I just noticed the time. I need to get dressed. Mark & I
are going to the pharmacy to pick up my new stomach drug,
Whole Foods for berries, and maybe LC for itallian cheese
bread...though not sure of the last one. Even though my
snack was small, I might not be able to eat now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:55 PM
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I got ready pretty fast and Mark & I got my meds...went and
got some fesh fruit to snack on later, plus some rasberry
yogurt (coconut based), and then got LC. The snack I had
with my painkiller came back up before we ate...and I suspect
the painkiller did too cause my headache isn't gone. I should
have taken more when I ate...but I didn't. Mark and I watched
an episode of Glee and I talked to him about some of what's
in my blog as he doesn't really read it anymore. Times are
tough, but we'll get through it I think. Hopefully.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:15 PM
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Things feel dark again. Trying to pull myself out of it but it's
tough.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:20 PM
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   Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I went to bed around 1am I think. I took one of my new
stomach pills. I woke up around 3pm. I feel...numb. I can
hardly feel my fingers...it's like my brain is all foggy. I don't
think I like this...and this is the smallest dose (15), and every
2 weeks or so I'm to increase my dose until I'm up to 45. I'm
a bit freaked out and worried now...though I might have
trouble expressing that through my actions. I feel so stoned.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:25 PM
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   Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'm late taking my 2nd dose, but I can't help it. I feel like I
have to get as much done before I take the next one. I was in
serious zombie mode for awhile...and I'm still feeling the
effects. I thought I took the 2nd dose for awhile but I think I
dramt it.

So...I've been betrayed. At least it seems that I have.
Someone claiming to be Michael (it's not his usual e-mail
address, but the usual one is blocked) claims that Caleb hit
on him yesterday. It's possible but seems unlikely as Caleb
knows what an asshole Michael is, both from having met him
in person, and also from asking me questions. Not sure what
to believe at this point. I'm not sure it even matters if it's true
or false.

Yesterday was a drug trip. Seriously. I'm not playing. It was
like being stoned...a lot. Part of me liked it...and part of me
hated it. It was fun to be lost in dreams, yet it was terrible
when I wanted to accomplish anything and realized that I
couldn't.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:59 AM
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I've decided I'm not taking my 2nd dose until Friday night.
I have plans with my dad, sister Janice & her kids
tomorrow...and this drug, it seriously makes me feel like
I've smoked a bunch of pot...and I don't want them seeing
me that way. Mark swears that after 3 or 4 days that effect
wears off and then I won't feel that again until they up my
dosage. I'll have to take his word for it, but I HATE it and I
don't want it. I also want to wait to take it when Mark will
be available to supervise me because it prevents me from
driving and makes me feel...like a lot of things could go
wrong. I was looking at the papers that came with the
drug and it says that suicidal thoughts and actions are
more common during the opening salvo of the drug, so I
need to be sure that Mark is here to watch over me. I don't
really know anyone else who can stay here with me. I'm
dreading telling him this, because although he's not told
me of any plans with Gen this weekend, I think he's had
plans with her every weekend for the last several weeks. I
don't want him to resent me for needing him for this.

I've made the most of my increased energy level. I did
laundry. I took pictures I'd been wanting for awhile now,
and I may take more. I edited another episode of Caprica. I
shaved and showered.

I'm suddenly tired but I don't want to sleep until tonight.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:10 PM
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   Friday, June 24, 2011

Wednesday night went well. I walked up to Mark's work to
meet him and then it rained. We got me a coffee and then
headed home in a downpour, which was freezing...but fun.
I had a good night.

Thursday I woke up with a migrain which my crazy
stomach wouldn't allow me to treat. Later, after the
headache had faded I picked up my dad for a visit; Janice
ran about an hour late cause of an emergency with her
keys being locked in her car. We took pictures. Late all of
us went downtown to see Mark, go to the coffee, candy,
ice cream and toy comic shop. Mark joined us for the
(again rain filled) trip home, then Jance and the kids went
home and Mark & took dad home.

I had told Janice about how worried I was about my new
meds and she gave me a big hug...which was nice.

Mark & I had an argument later about the placement of
our vacume cleaner that hurt Mark's foot. I moved the
vacume into my room to solve the problem, and Mark's
foot was mostly better by morning, and we made up long
before then. Mark is going to Gen's tonight and will be
back on Sunday, and then I'll start taking my new meds
and he'll work from home for a few days to keep an eye on
me.

I chatted with this cool guy named Jeff last night. Possibly
a new friend? We'll see.

I'm seeing X-Men: First Class with Tom today; he's picking
me up at 2:45. I might take a nap.

I also might be hanging out with Jason Lyons tonight,
though I've not heard from him, so I'm not sure. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:58 PM
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I saw X-Men: First Class with Tom. I liked it a lot; I'd have to
rewatch the others to be sure, but I think it's the best one;
the only other entry that comes close is X2 which I also
thought was excellent. Here's how I'd rate the series so far:

X-Men: First Class *****
X-Men Origins: Wolverine ***
X-Men ***
X2: X-Men United *****
X-Men: The Last Stand ****

They're still moving forward with a new Wolverine movie (and
there's a possible Deadpool spin-off in the works), but it's
unclear if this new X-Men movie will spawn sequels because
while it's the best reviewed movie in theaters at the moment,
and has better reviews than the previous 2 X-Men movies,
it's made less money than any of the previous X-Men movies,
which is a shame, because it's pretty fantastic. There are
some minor continuity problems, but they're all things that
can be explained away.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:10 PM
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Pretty sure I've just thrownup almost all of my meal...ugh.
This sucks. :(

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:35 PM
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JL just cancelled on me. :( Some sort of drama with Shawn /
Jonathan? I don't know. I guess he's moving out. I'm not sure
I want to know, but I hope that everyone involved is ok.

This means I have no ride to the bar tonight. I might walk.
We'll see. It depends on how I'm feeling.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:55 PM
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   Saturday, June 25, 2011

I couldn't get to sleep for awhile last night, but when I did
finally sleep I slept very well. I woke up about 10 minutes
ago. I'm making my breakfast. I can't believe it's past 1pm
already; I've been going to bed early and getting up around
8-9am so this is weird.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:49 PM
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I chatted for a bit after the last entry, then as I was getting in
the shower to get ready I got a text from Caleb asking for me
to come to the bar. I showered, dressed and walked to the
bar. I tracked down Caleb...only he was all over some guy
and pretty much ignored me. Ugh. I saw some other friends
and made more. I danced. I had a few drinks, but not enough
to get buzzed. Tom showed up, though I didn't see him for
long; he had a cute little asian boy with him, which I think is
his type, so he was in a good mood. I was finally getting
some attention from these guys and Caleb came over and
macked on them too. I was like...why did you invite me here?
As I was leaving Caleb decided to give me a ride home, and
we talked about stuff. It hit me that he's just as sad as me, if
not more so - I'm not all hung up on him at all; I just feel bad
for him and I hope things work out for him. Anyways...for the
most part I had an ok night. Not that great, but not horrible.
Perhaps I'll see some of the new people again at some point.
We'll see.

Oh. And New York passed Marriage Equality :) How awesome
is that!?! And California can't be far behind as Prop 8 has
pretty much been struck down. Good news. I'm just worried
they'll elect some asshole Republican that will ban gay
marriage from the constitution, even though polls now show
that the majority of Americans are for equality.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:47 PM
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I've done almost nothing today...but I guess I needed that? I
ate after the last entry, which I kept down...and then I slept
for like 5 more hours. I got up...planted about 100 more
trees on my FarmTown (Cranberry & Pear), randomly watched
the movie Mannequin, and then hopped online for a bit. I
should be working on BSG or the DCAU thing and perhaps I
will, but I feel...odd. Now sure what's going on with me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:43 PM
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