Sunday, July 3, 2011

I feel lost. Still no word from Mark. A cute guy hit on me
online but I turned him down, politely. I just don't think
I'm ready to date. Not because I'm hung up on some guy
or anything...I'm just not mentally capable right now. I feel
trapped. I feel humliated. Not just by recent events but by
everything.

It's been more than 4 months since I willingly spoke to
Michael Slaughter and in that time...I've still not recovered
from the damage he did to me...or maybe I did it to
myself. I don't know anymore. 1 week from today will be
the anniverary of our official breakup, though it really
wasn't until this last February that things really ended.
Such a drawn out nightmare. I don't know why it took me
so long to give up on him.

I want to write but the words don't come. I want to read
but I can't lose myself in any book I try without feeling
silly and useless. I want to eat but no matter what I eat I'm
sickened. While I think of suicide constantly, it seems I
lack the courage to follow through with it.

I'm torn to shreds about Mark. It seems that to keep the
only thing I've been able to rely on in my life means me
being selfish, yet if I let him go...which he seems to
want...then what am I? I don't have a job. I've not been to
school in over 15 years. I have no income. I have nowhere
to go and nobody to turn to. And if I did, I don't know that
there's anyone who would have me the way that Mark has
had me all of these years.

Mark told Gen that he wished he'd broken up with me
sooner so that we could have the friendship that we have
now sooner as well. I guess I can understand that, in that
it would have saved us a lot of pain...yet it also means that
my two longest relationships were apparently mistakes.
The relationship with Mark, which I'm judged all others by,
was apparently not that good afterall - which destroys me.
And the relationship with Michael was degrading and
abusive and horrific...with some good times thrown in as
long as I kept my eyes closed.

If Mark doesn't remember me as he's forgotten so many
important moments...does that mean that it was never
real? Someday no one that is alive will remember me and it
won't have mattered that I lived at all.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:04 PM
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Mark just called. They're not coming back today and
apparently need me to pick him up tomorrow. He asked if I
was still upset about him and Gen and I lied and said that I
wasn't. I lied because...I feel like I'm barely holding on. I
feel...like if I let go I won't survive and that if I can just hang
on and ride this out then I'll be ok. And yet the feelings I'm
having and the thoughts they inspire are so massive that I
can't seem to express them. It didn't feel like a lie to say that
it wasn't about them because it's not only about them...they
certainly are a part of this whirlwind that's enveloping
me...but it's not just them I don't think. I was messed up and
headed to therapy town before all of this.

Part of me feels like I should be cleaning or something
useful, and the other part of me feels like if I move I'll
shatter.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:27 PM
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Going to try.

I thought, and thought, and thought some more. Terrible
things.

Do you ever feel like you're the only one not having fun in
the world? Well...you're not. Sometimes life sucks. I've got a
lot of good things going on...I just have to find a way to
enjoy them. I know I'm fucked up but I'm trying to get help
and that's something. Holding on is something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:43 PM
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   Monday, July 4, 2011

For all my life
felt left behind

It's not too late
to find my mind

It's not too late
to make my way

It's not too late
I start today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:57 PM
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   Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I survived Monday. I drove to Gen's; met her kids; had a
friendly, if brief encounter...and then I had a long
convesation with Mark about how I view him, how I feel
like he's been my husband for year, only without the sex
part...I was going to propose to him in 2005 but he told
me he'd never get married...not even to me. So I settled
for this...thing that we have. If he were to marry it might
kill me. I don't know. What I know is that I feel vulnerable
and scared and I think that's understandable given how
much I'm forced to depend on someone who could, it
seems, leave me behind. So I want to grow and learn and
be able to take care of myself so that if I stay with him it's
because we both want it...and if he were to leave me, I
want to know that I'd be ok on my own. I feel like a child
in many ways. I've never had to take care of myself
before...and I never went to college or learned a trade...I
feel clueless and silly and I've been thinking it's too late
for me to be anything more than that...but maybe I'm
wrong and I can be. The illness thing sucks is all. I was
very gungho (if a bit shakey) during the conversation...I've
thrown up a lot since then. Trying not to be depressed
about that.

I edited ANOTHER BSG episode. "Daybreak, Part I" is
finished - and my version is SO MUCH COOLER than the
televised one :) Really making progress now, though the
converting part sucks; it takes about 2 hours for each
episode; I'm converting one right now.

Torchwood begins on Friday. I'm really looking forward to
more Whoniverse. I'm pretty sure that we'll be getting at
least 1 episode of the Whoniverse though October, and at
least 1 episode a month through the end of December.

Robert Alfaro is 22! I think he was 12 or 13 when I met
him. That's so crazy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:13 AM
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   Friday, July 8, 2011

The cut of "Daybreak, Part I" that I did the other day has a
flaw in it. I'll have to try again soon. I just edited 5 more
Caprica episodes and I'm converting one of them now. When
these are done converting I'll have 25 installments of about
100 done, so just slightly more than a quarter of the way
finished. :)

Really looking forward to Torchwood this weekend. The first
installment of the motion comic is available and I want it but
I feel weird paying for it when I know I'll be buying the dvd
which has the web comic on it as well.

Mark & I had plans on Saturday but he now has plans with
Gen for the weekend; he said he thought our plans were
tentative and not confirmed but it still hurt. He then wanted
to come see me on Saturday with Gen and her kids but it
would sort of suck knowing that I was supposed to be
hanging out with him doing something important...learning
about stuff that I need to know. :(

I've had an odd 24 hours. I felt really spacey...sort of drugged
yesterday evening and I have no idea why. The sensation
eventually passed.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:16 AM
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