Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The memorial service was beautiful on Wednesday, and it was so good to see so many distant relatives, and meet relatives of relatives. We went to Little Caesars after, and then Mark & I went to Ilene's (the widow) where we bonded and supported. I got Ilene's # and will call her soon.

After spending the entire day with all that I crashed that night, not visiting Michael or attending the party I had planned.

Thursday-Friday I didn't do much. I stayed in I think, except I got some groceries. Saturday I went to Michael's to attend a wedding with him...walking in on him getting a blowjob from another guy. Fun. Not. lol. The wedding was fun mostly fun though. Stayed the night with him. Also stayed the night there Sunday & Monday night.

There's a new Caprica / Glee on tonight!

I want to take more pictures today. I'm all about taking pictures lately.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:25 AM
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   Friday, October 8, 2010

Caprica 1x10 was good. Glee 2x03 was good too. Wednesday was less fun. I didn't see Michael; he hooked up Tuesday night and chilled with the guy Wednesday night. Thursday I had a date with Matthew. I'm hanging with him again today. Oddly, everyone seems to want to fuck me lately, which I'm not complaining about, but it's very random. lol.

Also, last night, I learned that Preston Clayton died in a drug related death on July 16, 2010, at Spice Tree apartments. :-0( Sadness.

I slept well. I dreamt that Michael & I were married and attended a birthday party for my cousin Katie which was held in a GIGANTIC house, built inside of a tree, shaped like an easter egg. Katie's friend came out as a lesbian in the dream...and I think they were a couple. It was very strange but I woke up smiling.

I went to the pharmacy with Mark & got a perscription fixed, and ate at LC. I need to call Matthew.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:18 PM
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   Sunday, October 10, 2010

Had a great date with Matthew on Friday. We watched "Heart of Ice" (B:TAS) and talked and eventually had 'the sex' which was great actually; relieved a lot of tension. He went home fairly early. I later went to Necto to see Shawn Walker. On my way I stopped at Aut Bar where I saw several peeps, then picked up Felix on my way out, going to Necto together. Lots of stuff happened. Lots of people were seen. Lots of laughter, a bit of drama, a bit of everything really. I got home around 4:30am. Exhausted. Didn't get to sleep until around 5:30am.

Saturday, Michael found out about the sex with Matthew and freaked out. He wants me back. He doesn't want me having sex with anyone...even though he'd had sex with 3 people in the last 8 days, 2 of which were unprotected. Double Standard...yet understandable emotionally. I love him. I want him to be happy; want us to be happy, but it just seems like we'd be better off as friends.

Also, Friday I was able to keep down 3 meals!!!! Saturday wasn't as lucky. I had eggs and soy milk (small portions of both) and it all came back up. :(

Went to Aut Bar last night. Saw Shawn Walker, his friend Brandon, Tom, Jared, Brian, Ryan (who told me that my sort-of-friend Jesse is dating his ex-bf?) - had fun but I was tired and my stomach was VERY upset. Came home and went to bed.

Today. Woke around 11am. I just ate and took a bath. I need to find my phone; it's not where I usually sit it; it might have fallen out in the car. Matthew and I were supposed to see a movie today. It still might happen; it depends on how my stomach deals with the food I just had. I like him.

This guy on Manhunt, Jay, recognized Michael in my pictures though Michael's face is blotted out - he recognized Michael's body. I knew that they'd been lovers before I met him, and that they've had sex recently, but it was kind of a shock. Plus he's one of those boys who knows Michael as Collin. Weird.

I miss Michael and hope we'll be able to continue our friendship.

My stomach is very unhappy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:11 PM
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   Monday, October 11, 2010

Stomach was very unhappy yesterday. Blah.

Michael had some major money troubles; lots of drama and horribleness. I went to his place to give him a hug. Chilled. Cuddled. Talked out a lot of our troubles.

Today we hung out with Scott, who needed to do his laundry. Then I picked up Little Caesars on the way home for me & Mark. The food was good and mostly stayed down without taking a pill...which is very good news.

I had a dream about 'Wicked' last night. I dreamt Dr. Dillimond was talking to me both before and after his murder. It made me want to reread the book but I can't find my copy (yet). I ordered "A Lion Among Men" and I may read that while I try to read 'Wicked'...we'll see.

Might be heading back to Michael's later.

I have to meet my dad at Abe's tomorrow at 11am.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:21 PM
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I found my copies of 'Wicked' & 'Son of a Witch' so I may start reading those today. Not sure.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:06 PM
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   Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Monday night I went to Michael's and watched some Ally. Talked and stuff, but couldn't sleep there so I headed home. I didn't get to sleep unril around 5:30am. I woke up around 10:30am on Tuesday. I had to get up and rush though I only wanted to sleep. I was 20 minutes late arriving at Abe's in Ypsi to meet my father who was nowhere to be found despite me waiting for 40 minutes; only his coffee cup remained, and the assurances of the wait staff that he was there only a moment ago. They also said that my father had waited over an hour, which means he was there considerably early. I left him a note saying I was sorry about the delay (there was construction) and left phone numbers for me, Mark & Janice (who opted out as she's sick with a dreadful cold). I was very disappointed in my day what with the lack of sleep and not even seeing my father for my troubles. I had planned, with Mark, to attempt to get some good photographs of my father that day so I was very sad about the lost opportunity.

I came home and took a brief nap. Later that night I got a text from Michael letting me know that a boy that likes to suck him off ("Jay") had contacted him about hooking up and Michael wanted to know my thoughts, as he'd confessed to me the other day that he was in love with me and not interrested in other men. I told him to go ahead and do it; that it didn't bother me if he got a blowjob...but then the idea came up that I could watch which turned me on a lot...only after a bit it turned how the guy didn't want to be watched...and Michael let me go to have sex with him (though I had been trying to suggest he say no and we find a more willing candidate), leaving me high and dry.

I went to Michael's and talked to him after I'd calmed down. I told him I didn't care if he had sex with other people. And I don't. We're not a couple. I love him, and want him to be happy and satisfied...and I want those things for myself too. And our complex relationship took another turn. I'm not sure how to express what happened...it's almost a blur in my mind, but our odd friendship which features elements of love and lust and deception is continuing to evolve. Do I see us ending up together like the couple I once imagined us to be? Not at all. That dream was ruined, and the man I dreamed about wasn't even real. This is something else. Perhaps a friendship more akin to the one I share with Mark, yet completely different. I just mean to say that my friendship with Michael is crossing several lines that most of my friendships do not, and the only other person this is true of in my experience is Mark. Michael and I are attempting to forge something alltogether different, yet just as rare and complicated.

It should also be noted that several lies that he's told me in the past several months came to light and Michael has openly told me truths that he needed have done...which I appreciate. Honesty can be difficult, but lies almost always hurt so much more. Besides, the truth turns me on. And I look forward to being aroused by many truths to come if I can be.

After tucking Michael in to bed, though I was tired, I picked up Shawn Walker and took him to Aut Bar. He's been having a very rough time of it lately and I'm constantly busy and these few hours were (despite my need of sleep) the best I could come up with. We had a nice visit, seeing several friends at the bar. We then came back to the condo where I made us some food and introduced him to Absolutely Fabulous :) Later Mark drove us all out to Benny's Bakery where I treated us all to doughnuts, before we dropped Shawn off and headed home.

I harvested my Farm Town. I slept a bit, cuddled with Mark. Later he showed me some computer stuff. I jacked off. I showered. I watched Tuesday night's Glee ("Duets") & Caprica ("Retribution"); I enjoyed both to a degree - I think Mollie would REALLY like that Glee episode!

Speaking of Mollie, she had to put her pet down to end it's suffering. She's depressed. This worries me.

Also, my ex-gf Jennifer has admitted herself into a hospital because of depression. She was on two anti-depressants but they weren't working for her.

Also, Shawn is DEPRESSED. Michael is going through money, work & home drama; he's moving within the next 2 weeks to live with his grandmother.

Mark's estranged yet dear friend was discovered to have died a long while back without Mark's knowledge...

I think I mentioned that I learned that my friend Preston died in July; I found out last Friday.

Lots of darkness swirling about.

Michael should be heading over soon; he's gonna sleep with me here; he has tomorrow off.

My copy of "A Lion Among Men" arrived today and I've begun rereading "Wicked".

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:23 PM
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I just got a voicemail from this morning when I was asleep; my father called. He got my note. He says in the message he'll call back but he hasn't yet. He doesn't have a phone so I can't just call back to the number he used.

Michael called while I was typing that. He'd fallen asleep which is why he's running 2 hours late. No worries.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:31 PM
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   Friday, October 15, 2010

Michael slept over Wednesday night, which was wonderful. Mark left to visit his parents Thursday morning and came home around 10pm. Michael left shortly after him. I spent much of the day organizing and uploading pictures to Facebook. Later Michael and tried to find people for him to fuck while I watched. It finally happened about 40 minutes ago. It was hot (I came hard and a lot) yet worries me a bit as well...it was unprotected and I feel a bit weird that I got off to activity that might hurt him and prevent me from ever being fucked by him again. But he's been having unprotected sex fairly often and would have if I wasn't watching...so...whatever. He says he wants me back and will get tested in 3 months in which he doesn't have sex so he can fuck me again. I don't know that it's worth all that. I love him and want him to be happy. I'm also a bit spaced out though from Midrin; I had a horrible headache earlier which is THANKFULLY gone now. I need to get dressed and pack and head to Michael's for the night. After that...who knows?

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:29 AM
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Went to Michael's last night. Watched some Ally. Gave him a really great massage (handjob included), and then we cuddled, talked, and slept. We talked about the sex that I'd watched and how it made me feel: a little guilty, a little sad, and a lot turned on. A little shocked that a guy you don't know can just come to your place, take your cock & your cum, and leave without even thinking about cumming himself... Stuff like that. We also talked about us and how our complex relationship is ever changing. Also, Michael started packing before I came over so many of his shelves were empty which added to my Midrin haze of sadness. I've had a lot of memorable times in that apartment and soon I won't be allowed inside and he won't even be there.

I slept well despite my stomach being upset. I woke when Michael got up to get ready for work at 9am. I was tempted to stay in bed but I needed to get some groceries, head home to harvest my farm, process more of what's going on in my life, sort more pictures and visit with Carrie & Mark.

The farm thing was slightly annoying, but usually it's fun. It was just something I didn't want to do today. The thinking helped. The groceries were needed and appreciated. The picture sorting went well (I'm nearly done with September and can then move on to October...though I have some random January ones that I never did). The visit with Carrie was a pleasure.

Mark & I met Carrie at the Kerrytown Peoples Food Co-Op on 4th Street. We walked there which was nice; Mark took some pictures of me on the way there in the leaves, just as I've been planning to do for days now. The walk was nice. The hanging with Mark was better. When we got there we joined Carrie for conversation and more pictures. We ended up chatting with the boy sitting next to us (Eric?) who had to run but got my webpage address; 27, equality sticker on his computer and possible friend. Cool. Carrie drove us home so she wouldn't have to pay for parking to continue our visit which lasted about another hour I think. It was all good.

While Carrie was there, Michael called with a strange favor to ask, in about 2 weeks, when Michael is living in Plymouth, he'll be working at the Ann Arbor Meijer for 2 weeks and wanted to know if he could stay with me & Mark for those 2 weeks. I said sure. Then realized he'd be working with and supervising a guy that he cheated on me with which I brought up and Michael said something about dealing with. I've not heard from him since but he's still at work I think.

I ate while Carrie was here and I've managed to keep it all down with no pills. My stomach is SO hit or miss lately. I sorted a few more pictures after she left and then got very sleepy. I stripped down to socks and underwear and then got into bed - slept for about 4 hours. Really good sleep.

Woke up a bit after 8pm. Did some Facebook stuff and called my cousin Ilene about maybe playing euchre on Sunday...and then I wrote this. I'm not sure what I'll be doing next. It's Friday night and I could go to the bars but I'm not sure I'm up to it. Maybe I'll work on more pictures...or read some more 'Wicked'? I don't know. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:25 PM
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   Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I stayed in Friday night.

Saturday my stomach was VERY upset. I spent most of the night puking. I had a standing ivite to Michael's though, and he assured me I could come over at any point as he'd be completely alone and we could cuddle. When I walked into his place a bit after 2am I walked in on him fucking this guy (Dave). It was shocking and humiliating, plus a whole bunch of other emotions as Dave was the guy Michael had fucked the morning I learned that he was cheating on me. Dave was also the first guy to confirm that Michael was cheating, while Michael was still denying it. Dave is actually much hotter in person than online, with a very sexy voice. He left. I stayed. Michael showered and got ready for work. I didn't get any cuddles. I came home zoned out on Xanax, wanting to cry...tempted to die...and very, very unhappy.

Later that day (Sunday) after sleeping, I got online and sent Dave an apology for the situation, giving him my side. He said that since I'd seen him naked, and I was cute and nice that we should fuck. Not the response I was expecting, but flattering none the less. I gave him my contact info and suggested we hang out instead but I don't think he'll respond to that. Michael has told me in the past that he's not interested in anything more than sex, which means he probably has a boyfriend or a girlfriend or something. Whatever. lol.

I also patched things up with Sean, who was the first guy who told me that Michael was cheating before I confronted him. Sean & Michael will be working together the first 2 weeks of November. During those 2 weeks, Michael will be living with me & Mark. How fucked up is that? lol

Paula cancelled the planned on euchre game as she woke up with a Migrain. I was ok with this as I was so depressed, yet hadn't wanted to cancel for Mark's enjoyment of the game.

My stomach continued to bother me on Sunday & Monday. I'm very, very unhappy about this and I'm considering talking to my doctor about that surgery to see if it can help me. I hate that I fear food, even as I crave it. I hate that I've lost 15 pounds; not because I'm drastically thinner, but because the way things are going I might not be able to gain weight and that could be a major problem. Ugh.

Last night, Michael hooked up with some guy for a blowjob and I decided I need to stop caring about him. I was thinking about him in boyfriend terms again. I know it's because I've been spending so much time with him, but I've felt the need to do so because sometime next week he'll be moving and not only will I see him less often (aside from those two weeks in November), I'll also lose that apartment of his which is filled with MOSTLY good memories. :-0(

I shaved off the beard I was growing last night. I did all of my laundry (the last load is in the washer right now). I cleaned my room. I read another chapter of WICKED which is really much better the 2nd time, though very slow going. I chatted online. I considered going to Necto but my stomach wouldn't let me. I also got VERY HORNY last night and considered hooking up but in the end that's not really my style.

I'll be spending some time with Michael today & tomorrow. I have a tentative date with Felix on Thursday. Friday I might hang out with this guy Caleb, who I made out with years ago. We'll see.

I should be sleeping right now but again, my stomach won't let me. I just took a prilosec AND a reglan to see if I can get some stuff to stay down. If so I may sleep soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:36 AM
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After the last entry I continued to be ill and unable to lay down to sleep. I eventually got to bed around 9am I think, but before then I spoke to Mark about him driving himself to his appointments today based on how I was feeling; he was kind and understanding, which was a relief. Then he woke me up at noon asking me to drive him to just the one appointment, which I did do, though I'm worried that having had so little sleep will set my stomach off again. I'm hanging by a thread here. But maybe being awake is a good thing? I don't know. I'm so zoned out right now I don't know up from down.

I love you Mark.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:39 PM
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I've been ready to go to Michael's for a couple hours now, but he's not answering his phone. I think he may have had a phone confrence today so that could be why. Or he could have fallen asleep.

Actually, my stomach is a little upset now so maybe it's fine that he hasn't answered.

Blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:58 PM
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   Friday, October 22, 2010

So...on from the last entry, Tuesday night Michael called me a few hours later; he'd fallen asleep thinking that I didn't need him to pick me up since I had the car, but he'd offered to pick me up in the first place so Mark could have the car. lol. Wacky. He came and got me. I was sick that night; I just couldn't keep anything down, even something small. We watched Ally and slept; the cuddling was nice. I gave him a handjob.

Wednesday Michael had to go to a meeting. I slept more. Mark joined us around 2:30pm and then we went to Wiards Orchard. I was still ill so couldn't eat the doughnuts or drink the cider. It was strange being there after something like 18 years...same stuff but looking different. So strange. We drove back to Michael's and then home to help Michael with some banking stuff, then Michael brough me back to his place. I was supposed to stay the night again but I came home (after giving him another good time, in which he confessed that he'd fucked a boy Monday night) because my body was freaking out and I needed to relax and concentrate on me instead of anyone else. And that's what I did.

I slept pretty well Wednesday night, after eating (with my Reglan pill) and keeping the food down. I managed to keep all my food down on Thursday - a huge improvement over the last 5 days or so. I took a relaxing bath. I spoke to Michael on the phone and organized pictures online, uploading plenty to Facebook, and then a few new ones to Manhunt & Gay Dot Com. I chatted. I talked to Felix about visiting him this weekend. I watch SVU (12x06) & AbFab. I wish I could forget all the ABFAB lines when I watch it so it would be like new again!

I'm tired. I tried to sleep earlier but the thought of sleeping alone...it was really bothering me. I tried laying down with Mark but he wasn't cuddling and I couldn't sleep so I came back to my room. I eventually ate more and kept that down too.

I should sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:45 AM
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   Saturday, October 23, 2010

I did eventually sleep after the last entry, after reading another chapter of Wicked. That's 3 I've read. I read so fucking slowly lately. Ugh. Anyways, got up around 4pm I think, took my prilosec and later went to a gallery opening with Carrie & Mark. Got a coffee drink. Even later I went to Aut Bar briefly to see Shawn Walker who is moving further away so I'm unlikely to see him as often. Ran into Rusty Parker who I friended on Facebook.

I've been eating the Morningstar Farms Chik'n Nuggets, which I'm LOVING. All the great taste of chicken with out the gross 'I'm eating a dead animal' guilt - plus it doesn't bother my stomach when I take my reglan, which I'm still taking...because 3 days of keeping my food down is heavenly.

I watched Caprica this morning. Very nice. I later heard that the BSG web series they were planning on making has been upgraded to a tv movie / tv series pilot!!! Awesome news!!! It won't air until late 2011 or early 2012 but it's still exciting.

I'm pretty sure I'm hanging with Felix later, and then cuddling with Michael in what will more-than-likely be the last night spent cuddling in that bed in that place. He's moving on Tuesday I think. He'll be living with his grandmother but will come stay with Mark & I for the first 2 weeks of November.

Oh. I got a call from Matthew, who's back in town! But he has a horrible head cold. Sad. I wanted to see him so bad but I tend to pick up colds so I don't want to be around him. :( Sad.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:25 PM
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   Sunday, October 24, 2010

Slept at Michael's last night after plans with Felix fell through. Michael hooked up with Chris before I got there. The sleeping and cuddling was perfect. Michael & I left together around 6am; he on his way to work and me on my way to Meijer for groceries. I came home with all but a few items which they didn't have. I later slept some more; sleeping very well.

I woke up around 4:30pm. Talked to Michael on the phone. Read more Wicked. Did some Facebook stuff. Then went to Meijer with Mark, where I met Sean Wells in person. So odd to meet him face to face after so much trouble with him online (he's one of the guys that Michael cheated on me with) - for one thing, his profile online says he's 6'2" but at the most he was my height (5'8"), and possibly slightly shorter. He was nice though and we shook hands. We left Meijer and went to Rite Aid for perscriptions, then Kroger for the items I couldn't get last night, and finally Little Caesers; I ate crazy bread without taking a Reglan; the 2nd meal I've had in the last few days without my pills. It stayed down. :)

I chatted online. Ended up chatting with Eric [the cute boy we sat next to on October 15] on Manhunt; he seems cool and we might hang out sometime soon. We're friends on Facebook now at least.

Listening to some really interesting mashups. I don't think they're perfect, but they're far more interesting than some of the more common successes out there. Nice.

So sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:18 PM
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   Monday, October 25, 2010

Still awake. Read Oz related stuff online. Jacked off and showered. Took Prilosec. I'm still sleepy but I want to eat. That's a fairly simple sentence yet it's also profound for someone like me, who's relationship with food has been antagonistic to say the least. I want to eat. :-0)

Michael called. He's very sad. He's afraid that by moving in with his grandmother he will be losing me forever. I don't see it that way. In fact, if we're ever to reunite, I must be given more space, and more importantly, time to heal. Also, it can't be forced. If we try to force it, as we did last time, we'll be screwed. It's just got to happen. And though this is a huge change, my love for him continues to grow and evolve. There are many flaws within him that hurt me deeply in the past which I'm coming to love (or at least not be hurt as deeply by) as his friend.

Mark & I will be helping Michael move today so I'll most likely see the apartment for the very last time today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:59 AM
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More phone conversations with Michael. He wants me back. I can only give him friendship. A complicated friendship tinged with a deep abiding love, but a friendship none the less. Anything more will hurt me at this point. I need time to heal, and space to find myself again. If he can't handle that, then that's his choice and I'll miss him, but I can't lie and pretend everything is ok when it's not. It's not. And I can't.

Blah. Tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:29 AM
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Watched 3 episodes of 'Brothers & Sisters' this morning and played a Majong game online. Funally went to sleep around 10am. I wanted to sleep earlier but it was hot in my room. I turned down the air. It helped.

Mark woke me up just past 4pm. We're getting ready to go help Michael move. Michael will stay here tonight. Then I'll help Michael move his stuff to his granmother's tomorrow.

Gotta go. I'm sooooo hungry but can't eat for fear of getting sick or passing out!

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:38 PM
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   Wednesday, October 27, 2010

We made it out to Michael's apartment Monday night a little after 5pm. We went and picked up the moving truck and helped load it up, though Danny and Mikey did the heavy lifting - they didn't come with us to Michael's dad's house. When unloading the truck Mark hurt his back. :-0(

After dropping off the truck, Michael stayed the night. Cuddling was fantastic. He left the next morning. I might see him Saturday night. If not, then I probably won't see him until November 3.

I've been eating and sleeping for the last 24 hours. Not so much sleeping. I need to sleep a bit so I can take Mark to pay his life insurance. I'll sleep after I write this and brush my teeth.

I just watched the new Caprica. I'm really enjoying the way the different storylines are moving along now. So much of what is good about this show pays off in BSG that even with the loss of most of the characters, I think fans who's discovered Caprica on it's own will enjoy BSG. Looking forward to the final 5 episodes of Season 1 and possibly the series.

TIRED.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:40 AM
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   Thursday, October 28, 2010

Slept for a bit Wednesday morning. Took some pictures with Mark, then went to Meijer & to pay his life insurance. Came home. Took more pictures. Met Michael at the condo (he dropped off some stuff). Slept more after he left.

Caprica was cancelled. I was prepared for this. What I was not prepared for was them yanking it off the schedule until sometime next year so that the fans of the show have to wait AGAIN. Ugh. So pissed about this. You can read a bit about this & the new spin-off series in the works here.

I slept well today. I also ate without taking my pills, with no troubles (so far). I talked to Matthew, Michael, Jennifer & Travis. Going out with Jennifer, Matthew & Mark tomorrow night, bowling.

Playing Majong Dimensions.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:23 PM
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