Sunday, July 3, 2011

I feel lost. Still no word from Mark. A cute guy hit on me
online but I turned him down, politely. I just don't think
I'm ready to date. Not because I'm hung up on some guy
or anything...I'm just not mentally capable right now. I feel
trapped. I feel humliated. Not just by recent events but by
everything.

It's been more than 4 months since I willingly spoke to
Michael Slaughter and in that time...I've still not recovered
from the damage he did to me...or maybe I did it to
myself. I don't know anymore. 1 week from today will be
the anniverary of our official breakup, though it really
wasn't until this last February that things really ended.
Such a drawn out nightmare. I don't know why it took me
so long to give up on him.

I want to write but the words don't come. I want to read
but I can't lose myself in any book I try without feeling
silly and useless. I want to eat but no matter what I eat I'm
sickened. While I think of suicide constantly, it seems I
lack the courage to follow through with it.

I'm torn to shreds about Mark. It seems that to keep the
only thing I've been able to rely on in my life means me
being selfish, yet if I let him go...which he seems to
want...then what am I? I don't have a job. I've not been to
school in over 15 years. I have no income. I have nowhere
to go and nobody to turn to. And if I did, I don't know that
there's anyone who would have me the way that Mark has
had me all of these years.

Mark told Gen that he wished he'd broken up with me
sooner so that we could have the friendship that we have
now sooner as well. I guess I can understand that, in that
it would have saved us a lot of pain...yet it also means that
my two longest relationships were apparently mistakes.
The relationship with Mark, which I'm judged all others by,
was apparently not that good afterall - which destroys me.
And the relationship with Michael was degrading and
abusive and horrific...with some good times thrown in as
long as I kept my eyes closed.

If Mark doesn't remember me as he's forgotten so many
important moments...does that mean that it was never
real? Someday no one that is alive will remember me and it
won't have mattered that I lived at all.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:04 PM
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Mark just called. They're not coming back today and
apparently need me to pick him up tomorrow. He asked if I
was still upset about him and Gen and I lied and said that I
wasn't. I lied because...I feel like I'm barely holding on. I
feel...like if I let go I won't survive and that if I can just hang
on and ride this out then I'll be ok. And yet the feelings I'm
having and the thoughts they inspire are so massive that I
can't seem to express them. It didn't feel like a lie to say that
it wasn't about them because it's not only about them...they
certainly are a part of this whirlwind that's enveloping
me...but it's not just them I don't think. I was messed up and
headed to therapy town before all of this.

Part of me feels like I should be cleaning or something
useful, and the other part of me feels like if I move I'll
shatter.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:27 PM
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Going to try.

I thought, and thought, and thought some more. Terrible
things.

Do you ever feel like you're the only one not having fun in
the world? Well...you're not. Sometimes life sucks. I've got a
lot of good things going on...I just have to find a way to
enjoy them. I know I'm fucked up but I'm trying to get help
and that's something. Holding on is something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:43 PM
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   Monday, July 4, 2011

For all my life
felt left behind

It's not too late
to find my mind

It's not too late
to make my way

It's not too late
I start today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:57 PM
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   Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I survived Monday. I drove to Gen's; met her kids; had a
friendly, if brief encounter...and then I had a long
convesation with Mark about how I view him, how I feel
like he's been my husband for year, only without the sex
part...I was going to propose to him in 2005 but he told
me he'd never get married...not even to me. So I settled
for this...thing that we have. If he were to marry it might
kill me. I don't know. What I know is that I feel vulnerable
and scared and I think that's understandable given how
much I'm forced to depend on someone who could, it
seems, leave me behind. So I want to grow and learn and
be able to take care of myself so that if I stay with him it's
because we both want it...and if he were to leave me, I
want to know that I'd be ok on my own. I feel like a child
in many ways. I've never had to take care of myself
before...and I never went to college or learned a trade...I
feel clueless and silly and I've been thinking it's too late
for me to be anything more than that...but maybe I'm
wrong and I can be. The illness thing sucks is all. I was
very gungho (if a bit shakey) during the conversation...I've
thrown up a lot since then. Trying not to be depressed
about that.

I edited ANOTHER BSG episode. "Daybreak, Part I" is
finished - and my version is SO MUCH COOLER than the
televised one :) Really making progress now, though the
converting part sucks; it takes about 2 hours for each
episode; I'm converting one right now.

Torchwood begins on Friday. I'm really looking forward to
more Whoniverse. I'm pretty sure that we'll be getting at
least 1 episode of the Whoniverse though October, and at
least 1 episode a month through the end of December.

Robert Alfaro is 22! I think he was 12 or 13 when I met
him. That's so crazy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:13 AM
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   Friday, July 8, 2011

The cut of "Daybreak, Part I" that I did the other day has a
flaw in it. I'll have to try again soon. I just edited 5 more
Caprica episodes and I'm converting one of them now. When
these are done converting I'll have 25 installments of about
100 done, so just slightly more than a quarter of the way
finished. :)

Really looking forward to Torchwood this weekend. The first
installment of the motion comic is available and I want it but
I feel weird paying for it when I know I'll be buying the dvd
which has the web comic on it as well.

Mark & I had plans on Saturday but he now has plans with
Gen for the weekend; he said he thought our plans were
tentative and not confirmed but it still hurt. He then wanted
to come see me on Saturday with Gen and her kids but it
would sort of suck knowing that I was supposed to be
hanging out with him doing something important...learning
about stuff that I need to know. :(

I've had an odd 24 hours. I felt really spacey...sort of drugged
yesterday evening and I have no idea why. The sensation
eventually passed.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:16 AM
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   Sunday, July 10, 2011

So...I've managed to be stress free for the entire weekend
so far. I feel good. I feel like myself. Having said that, the
dose of my meds doubles Sunday night, but I'm not that
worried about it.

I got to see the new Torchwood friday night. I liked it. I
didn't love it, though that might change in time. I was just
in an odd mood when I was watching it and it's just the
introdution to the season so I already knew a LOT of what
was coming. I've tried to remain mostly spoiler free for
Torchwood but just from press blurbs I knew the majority
of what was going to happen in episode 1, so I was
slightly underwhelmed, yet it's very nice to have
Torchwood back. Apparently there are different cuts for
the United States and the United Kingdom; if they don't
release a complete version I may have to do it myself the
way I am with BSG.

Speaking of BSG, I finished my cut of "The Face of the
Enemy" and then I fixed the flaw in "Daybreak, Part II -
which is converting as I type this. That gives me 27
completed installments out of 98. The 98 number might
increase if I end up splitting either of the BSG movies into
2 parts...or if the upcoming "Blood & Chrome" goes to
series. But for now, the number stands at 98 and these are
the installments I have finished:

01 Caprica 1x01 Pilot
02 Caprica 1x02 Rebirth
03 Caprica 1x03 Reins of a Waterfall
04 Caprica 1x04 Gravedancing
05 Caprica 1x05 There is Another Sky
12 Caprica 1x12 Things We Lock Away
13 Caprica 1x13 False Labor
14 Caprica 1x14 Blowback
15 Caprica 1x15 The Dirteaters
16 Caprica 1x16 The Heavens Will Rise
17 Caprica 1x17 Here Be Dragons
18 Caprica 1x18 Apotheosis (Series Finale)
20 Battlestar Galactica, Part I
21 Battlestar Galactica, Part II
22 BSG 1x01 33
23 BSG 1x02 Water
24 BSG 1x03 Bastille Day
35 BSG 2x01 Scattered
44 BSG 2x10 Pegasus
52 BSG 2x18 Downloaded
87 BSG 4x11 Sometimes a Great Notion
88 BSG The Face of the Enemey
89 BSG 4x12 A Disquiet Follows My Soul
92 BSG 4x15 No Exit
95 BSG 4x17 Someone to Watch Over Me
96 BSG 4x18 Islanded in a Stream of Stars
97 BSG 4x19 Daybreak, Part I

I've also figured out more of Season 32 of the Whoniverse.
It won't be a sure thing until the end of the year, but of
the 74 known installments I'm certain of the first 32 and
pretty sure about all those that follow. Here's the tentative
list:

Season 32:
01 DW 5x01 The Eleventh Hour [3]
02 DW Mini Meanwhile in the TARIDS 1 [4]
03 DW 5x02 The Beast Below [5]
04 DW 5x03 Victory of the Daleks [6]
05 SJ 3x11 The Gift 1
06 SJ 3x12 The Gift 2
07 SJ 3x07 Eternity Trap 1
08 SJ 3x08 Eternity Trap 2
09 DW 5x04 Time of Angels [1]
10 DW 5x05 Flesh & Stone [2]
11 DW Mini Meanwhile in the TARDIS 2 [3]
12 DW 5x06 Vampires of Venice [4]
13 SJ 4x01 Nightmare Man 1
14 SJ 4x02 Nightmare Man 2
15 DW 5x07 Amy's Choice
16 SJ 4x03 Vault of Secrets 1
17 SJ 4x04 Vault of Secrets 2
18 DW 5x08 The Hungry Earth [1]
19 DW 5x09 Cold Blood [2]
20 SJ Sarah Jane's Alien Files 1
21 DW 5x10 Vincent & the Doctor
22 SJ Sarah Jane's Alien Files 2
23 DW 5x11 The Lodger
24 SJ Sarah Jane's Alien Files 3
25 DW 5x12 Pandorica Opens [1]
26 DW 5x13 Big Bang [2]
27 SJ Sarah Jane's Alien Files 4
28 DW Special: A Christmas Carol
29 SJ 4x05 Death of the Doctor 1
30 SJ 4x06 Death of the Doctor 2
31 DW Mini Space [1]
32 DW Mini Time [2]

Guessing:

33 TW 4x01 The New World [1]
34 TW 4x02 Rendition [2]
35 TW 4x03 Dead of Night [3]
36 TW 4x04 Escape to L.A. [4]
37 TW 4x05 Categories of Life [5]
38 TW 4x06 Middle Men [6]
39 TW 4x07 Immortal Sins [7]
40 TW 4x08 End of the Road [8]
41 TW 4x09 Gathering [9]
42 TW 4x10 Blood Line [10]
43 TW Motion Comic: Web of Lies [11]
44 DW Mini Prequel 1 [1]
45 DW 6x01 The Impossible Astronaut [2]
46 DW 6x02 Day of the Moon [3]
47 SJA 4x07 Empty Planet 1
48 SJA 4x08 Empty Planet 2
49 DW Mini Prequel 02 [1]
50 DW 6x03 Curse of the Black Spot [2]
51 SJ Sarah Jane's Alien Files 5
52 DW 6x04 Doctor's Wife
53 SJ Sarah Jane's Alien Files 6
54 DW 6x05 Rebel Flesh [1]
55 DW 6x06 Almost People [2]
56 DW Mini Prequel 03 [3]
57 DW 6x07 Good Man Goes To War [4]
58 DW 6x08 Let's Kill Hitler [5]
59 SJA 4x09 Lost in Time 1
60 SJA 4x10 Lost in Time 2
61 DW 6x09 Night Terrors
62 SJA 4x11 Goodbye, Sarah Jane Smith 1
63 SJA 4x12 Goodbye, Sarah Jane Smith 2
64 DW 6x10 ???
65 SJA 5x01 Sky 1
66 SJA 5x02 Sky 2
67 DW 6x11 God Complex
68 SJA 5x03 Curse of Clyde Langer 1
69 SJA 5x04 Curse of Clyde Langer 2
70 DW 6x12 ??? [1]
71 DW 6x13 ??? [2]
72 DW Special ??? [3]
73 SJA 5x05 Man Who Wasn't There 1
74 SJA 5x06 Man Who Wasn't There 2 [finale]

I'm trying to decide if I'll sleep tonight so I can be up for
daylight activities or if I'm going to muddle through and
keep getting stuff done. I might take a nap and
compromise.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:01 AM
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Oh. I've also managed to keep almost all my food down this
weekend! Like...maybe less than a cup was lost. I know,
that's gross, but for me, that's like the closest I've come to
normal in ages. I don't think it's my meds...well, maybe
they've helped a bit...I've just managed to stay in and relax
and not worry or stress too much about anything. I'd like to
get out and get some exercise this week. I'm still eating too
much sweet stuff - it's not that I have it every day, but when I
do I eat a TON of it. I need to force myself to eat less of the
sugary stuff. I SO WISH I could still eat salad!!! I loved
salad...but it comes up so easily and now and what doesn't
could potentially kill me. :( I hate this. But I'm not gonna
whine about it tonight. I'm just gonna chill.

I'm drinking some tea. It's unsweetened and I have lots and
lots of different teas taht I'm always hoping to try or get in
the habbit of drinking only I never do. So I'm giving it a shot.
If I could just have tea every once in while throughout the
week instead of Silk or Chai Tea I bet that would cut down on
my sugar intake a lot. And probably save me some money
too. It's a thought at least.

I cleaned my room up. Did the dishes. Scrubbed the kitchen.
Made my bed. Doing some laundry now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:34 AM
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Ugh. So much for not throwing up. Thing about tea...it's
mostly water. When I drink a lot of water...it comes back up
and brings everything else along with hit. Blah. Still, Friday &
Saturday were good. I was hoping to have been in bed by
now but everytime I lay down I have to hurl again.

I have "Jenny I Read" by Concrete Blonde stuck in my
head...and I wish I had some Poppy Z Brite handy to read but
she's all boxed away. :(

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:41 AM
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Looks like Mark's not coming home today afterall. I just
assumed this would be the case but I'd have liked to have
been wrong. He said he'd see me Sunday...and I'm supposed
to up my dose of my meds tonight. Oh well.

I forgot to mention that the shrinks that my doctor
recommended I see aren't covered by my insurance so I'm
seeking help elsewhere...but I'm worried that whomever I find
won't have the experience needed to deal with my particular
problems.

I was having such a good weekend until this morning.

And I have a headache.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:28 AM
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   Thursday, July 14, 2011

This week has been difficult. My medication was doubled. I've
slept a lot and had strange, yet wonderful dreams. I had a
really interesting conversation with this guy Matthew that I
know; I actually went out with him a few times last fall. I also
managed to connect with Mark in way that has been
extremely rare of late; I only ever see Mark in passing in the
morning, and sometimes in the evenings on Monday,
Tuesday & Thursday. Any other time he's with Gen, and when
he's not with her, they're often on the phone and I try not to
intrude. It's left me feeling very lonely, but Mark has set aside
some time to be with me on Sunday and he wants that to be
Our Day.

Matt Alber has a new album in the works. I've been listening
to Diamond Rings & Lesley Gore.

I'm crying right now and I don't know why.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:28 AM
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   Saturday, July 16, 2011

I have this odd sensation that the world is crashing down
on me. That I'm being crushed by all that is happening
around me and that I have no control. I have dark visions.
And the only way I survive it are the few encounters I have
with others...and the few distractions that I'm allowed. I
can't read. I've tried. I don't know if it's the drugs or what
but I can't concentrate on a book long enough to be
sucked away into it's storyline long enough to forget my
own. I watched a movie the other day ("Hannah") which
was enjoyable. I managed to get 3 more Caprica episodes
edited and converted, which leaves only 3 more of those. I
watched the new Torchwood, which I enjoyed a lot more
than the first installment; the current season is both
darker and lighter than previous seasons. "Children of
Earth" felt more intense I think, but it was 5 big episodes
in one week and I think that helped the intensity of it...it's
too soon to know how the remaining 8 episodes (9 if you
include the side-story motion comic) will affect the story
but I'm looking forward to it.

I'll probably work on more Caprica today; it would be nice
to be finished with this segment of BSG. Not because I
want it to be over, but because I could then recommend it
to my friends. I'll probably sleep a bit more. Maybe chat?
Mark will be home tomorrow. I need Mark time. Probably
more than he knows. His girlfriend is bothered by this,
and I feel bad about that, yet I feel like I'm drowning and if
I don't ask for help then what? And it's only 1 day a week
I'm asking for. I don't get to go out on Fridays
anymore...and I feel cut off. A boy I went out with a few
times years ago who's remained a friend, Brian, he texted
me last night to see if I could come to Necto, but I didn't
have time to get dressed AND walk there. If I'd had the car
it would have been worth the trip.

I have an appointment on Wednesday with Community
Health to see about a shrink. I hope it helps.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:01 AM
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   Sunday, July 17, 2011

I finished another Caprica episode last night. 2 more to go. I
was going to work on them now but the editing program I
have stopped working and I don't know why. Frustration.
How annoying is that? I would have been finished with the
whole series!?! Ugh.

I slept most of yesterday and last night as well. I hurt less
when I'm asleep. I did have one freaky dream where Mark's gf
got pregnant.

I woke up with my stomach upset. I hope it doesn't spoil the
day. Mark said he'd be home before noon. That's not a full
day but it's something.

He wants to see Harry Potter. I do too, though I don't like the
idea of the crowd that will be there.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:38 AM
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I had a panic attack. It was horrible. I took a xanax.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:40 AM
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   Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Though Sunday morning was bad, as was the entire week
before that, Sunday evening was wonderful...though my
stomach was still upset. I got to talk to Wendy & Foreman
on the phone...both of whom may visit towards the end of
July. I spoke to Mollie yesterday, which was also nice. I've
been in a fairly good mood this week. The face time with
Mark made all the difference I think. I have an
appointment today about getting a new shrink. Wish me
luck.

I finished editing Caprica! Now I just have to finish
BSG...which has many more episodes. Plus I have to figure
out what's wrong with a couple episodes that I can't seem
to edit ("Razor" & "Daybreak, Part II"), but I have time. I
was just watching some of the deleted material from
Season 3, and it's really cool. Nearly every episode will
have something new that wasn't aired, and rewatching the
series is already fantastic, so this will just be an extra bit
of cool.

I did some work on my DCAU project. I think I may have
figured out the viewing order for Static Shock / Justice
League & Batman Beyond / The Zeta Project. I'll have to
watch it all to be sure it makes sense but if it were to work
then I just need to finish the last bit of Batman / Gotham
Girls & Lobo and I'll be all set. I'm not holding my breath
though. I almost always find a flaw.

Though I've been in a good mood all week, my stomach
has taken a bad turn. I've had a horrible time trying to
keep anything down. Yesterday was really bad, but so far
today is an improvement. I'm just gonna hang on to
that...though I'm still quite exhausted. I need to harvest
my farm, maybe have a snack and make sure I'm ready
when Mark picks me up at 2:48pm. I'm supposed to talk
to Mollie around 3 but I can't make it because of my
appointment so I'll try calling her later.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:04 PM
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   Friday, July 22, 2011

My stomach has been horrible this week. Sometimes, I get in
a cycle where I can't keep anything down...and it doesn't
matter what I do...I just have to wait it out. I've managed to
mostly keep my spirits up which is good.

Mark and I finished another Clone Wars trilogy yesterday; the
"Malevolence" trilogy. I'd actually not seen the final 3rd in
years. It was ok. The next trilogy is a lot better, as is the
following duology.

I'm taking a few days off of Farmtown; planted crops that
won't be done until Saturday-Monday.

I've been having trouble logging onto Skype.

I slept well but had strange dreams last night.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:56 AM
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My stoamch felt ok when I woke up, and I kept down a
prilosec both before and after bed so I gave breakfast a try.
Blah. It came back up. I'm feeling completely exhausted.

Gen & her cute little girls are coming over to stay the night. I
really hate being sick, but I also feel worse when I'm sick
around people I don't know. It just makes me feel self
conscious...and it ups my stress level. I might take another
xanax but I'm not sure I can even keep one down right now.
I'm stressing so bad.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:18 AM
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It's official: I can't keep anything down today. I think I
might go back to bed.

I did however manage a poem!

Weekend / Weakened

Awakened with hope;
quickened with laughter...

A smile for child and all that came after...

But not long at all,
And I cannot leave,

I struggle to smile...
to breathe and believe.

The week has wreaked havoc;
made weak what was strong...

I struggle to smile...
to be and belong.

No matter the struggle;
how great or how often...

At times to be strong
one embraces exhaustion.

Written by Jason Wright
July 21, 2011

Also, Steven Moffat has mentioned that he may revisit
Madame Vastra & Jenny! He's also spoken about Jack
returning to Who. These are both things that I'd like to see
VERY MUCH.

New Torchwood tonight.

I made a list earlier of the movies I'm excited about in
2012 / 2013 - and all of them are prequels / sequels:

2012:
Underworld: Awakening (January 12, 2012)
The Avengers (May 4, 2012)
Prometheus (June 8, 2012)
The Dark Knight Rises (July 20, 2012)
The Bourne Legacy (August 3, 2012)
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (12/14/12)
The Wolverine (2012)

2013:
Iron Man 3 (May 3, 2013)
Thor 2 (July 26, 2013)
The Hobbit: There and Back Again (12/13/13)

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:17 PM
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