Monday, May 2, 2005

Not much has happened since Wedneday. My health has continued to improve, with a smattering of random coughs being the only lingering sign of what was, last week, a very annoying illness.

I talked to my friend Paul, who lives in San Francisco; he's coming to visit his friend Michelle, who is getting married again, in a few weeks. He should be here May 18 - May 24; he wants to hang out, and maybe see Episode III. On a side note, Paul & I both went out with Michelle's first husband, Dean. My life used to be such a soap opera. lol It will be good to see Paul; he even mentioned he might be able to bring me to the wedding as his date. lol That would be amusing, though I have no idea when the wedding is per say, or if I work.

Mark's twin brother, Marcus was fired from his job of 7 years; he & his wife just had a baby; this pisses me off more than I can say! But he makes a fairly good sized amount of money from some software that he designed, and he'll be able to collect a good sized unemployment, so maybe he'll be ok. Maybe he'll find a better job, and get to spend a lot more time with his new son. That's what I'm hoping for anyways. ;-0)

I've been working on my D.C. Animated Universe character guide, and I believe I'm done with Justice League, as it is at this moment in time. I wish the 3rd Batman Boxed set would be released NOW, but I've only got about 24 days before it arrives, and I'm sure I have more productive things to do in that time.

I'm still single. Still not having sex. And it's still ok. But it's still kind of odd too. And I wouldn't mind meeting an interesting guy right around now. One who is not taken, and who is not going to intrigue me right away, and then disappear just as fast as he arrived. But I can wait. Apparently, I can wait. My hand's getting quite the workout though...

Mark e-mailed me some links to stuff he wanted for his birthday; a subtle form of blackmail. "Get me one of these things or else!". I feel bad that I didn't get him anything for his birthday, but I suck at birthdays. I used to tell everyone I knew that I didn't do birthdays; I would even give them something small, but meaningful the day before, or after, maybe to selfishly set myself apart? I don't know; I want to connect with people, and giving them something they want, seems...lame somehow. Like it's too easy. Like it lacks depth. So I've kept my eyes peeled for something more impressive. I thought maybe a cd, with poetry and the like, which I do have started, but I've been so uninspired in that arena as of late, that nothing has really come of that. I don't know. When people give me things that I want, I tend to find it anti-climactic, but maybe I'm just really weird. Mark gave me the most amazing birthday party last year, and the gifts that I got weren't anything that I could have wished for, and were therefore, welcomed. Just seeing everyone together was enough for me, actually; that was the thing that still haunts me... And the thing that finally destroyed my friendship with Darla, at least at my end; but that's another story; one that I still don't feel like telling.

Back to Mark, he made me some chocolate chip cookies yesterday (without the chips, which I can't have), from scratch, but they ended up just tasting like sugar cookies. I've been trying to not eat as much crap lately; trying to eat a little more healthy, but I tried one of the cookies, and I didn't really like it. I did like the effort though (it was sweeter than the cookies themselves); but something kept us from connecting, I think... I don't know what it is lately, but we seem distant, somehow. I should set aside some time for us.

So I'm awake, and showered, and Mark needs to be at work soon. Maybe I'll drive him, and then visit my sisters, or Mollie & Carrie, or...I should take Dad some clothes; I washed them for him, but then I was so miserable last week that I didn't want to leave the house at all. We'll see. I actually feel kind of tired. And I have no idea what today may bring.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:20 AM
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   Thursday, May 5, 2005

Something's going on with my face. There's this red spot that's appeared in the last few days, but it's not scary red; it's not a scary AIDS lesion kind of thing. Probably just one of those things you get at around the age of 30, that my doc mentioned to me once. I had a similar spot on my face once, but it was worse, and I was going to have it removed, but then it went away on it's own. This new spot isn't half as bad as the previous one; it's just reddish; but it would be nice if it went away on it's own.

There's a big bump on the back of my head, that I've had for a few years now; it still annoys me, & I cut myself more when I shave around that area, because it wasn't there for years & years, and my hands/brain are still having trouble dealing with the spot. Apparently it's completely normal for someone my age; it's fluid, and many, many people get these kinds of bumps on their scalps, but they have hair to hide them, and many people aren't even aware that they themselves have them. It doesn't make me look freakish or anything; it's just...annoying. lol They said I could get rid of it, and I still might; they said it could possibly leave a scar though, which is fine with me; I think scars are sexy.

A week from Friday the last 2 episodes of Enterprise will air, and Trek will, in effect, be dead to the world. It's not really dead; novels & games & conentions will follow; but next season will be the first time season without Trek in 19 years; crazy, isn't it? That's not necessarily a bad thing; but Enterprise was really kicking ass in the last 2 seasons. blah.

I slept last night, instead of watching ALIAS; Mark & I will watch it before next week's episode, I'm sure. I preordered the 3rd Batman Animated Boxed set the other day, and I got Mark one of the gifts that he asked for, but it turned out to not be what he thought it was; he said he still liked it though, because it was from me. I also got the new NIN (which is a lot like old NIN, which is kind of sad; like time bassed Trent by, and he didn't necessarily notice; only he did, according to one of the tracks), and the score to Episode III, which was spoiler heavy all on it's own; lots of Episode IV cues to bridge the saga ;-0)

I got a message from Jennifer a few hours ago, which she left long before, suggesting we hook up Friday night, so we can spend some time together, before she moves to Seattle. I almost always refer to Jennifer as my ex-gf. In truth, we only dated a few weeks, if that, though our flirtation lasted much longer. We've been friends for a decade, but I refer to her as my ex, because she's like this trophy that I hold up, and say - see that girl - she went out with me! ;-0) She's only 9 days older than me; both of us Leos; both of us children of crazy people; both of us, unlucky in love. And both of us lucky to have known each other. I'm going to miss her.

In my April 21 entry in this very blog, I talked about my new friends Solomon & Janella, and I mentioned that I used to be hot for Solomon, but that those feelings changed once I learned he was married to Janella; and I let it be known that I was happy with those changes. Then I didn't hear from Solomon or Janella for awhile. I wrote Solomon an e-mail, but got no reply, and I called Janella on the phone from work on Sunday night, but didn't have time to really talk with her, though she thanked me for the call. But a short while ago, I checked my e-mail, to find an e-mail from Solomon, with a link to a post on his blog, which very nearly made me cry (in a good way).

Now I have to share that with everyone I know :-0) Thanks Solomon. I hope all is well with you & yours; hope you & Janella are still enjoying the Buffyverse, and that we can hang out sometime soon. Maybe we can go bowling; my friends enjoy bowling, and you could meet them ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:24 AM
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I wish there was a way I could post all the slash art I've collected over the years, here on my webpage, without being hounded by the companies that own the characters there depicted. I also don't really keep track of who the artists were, though I invariably thank them for their efforts when I find them online. My favorites are ones of superheros; or Star Wars, or Lord Of The Rings (as if it wasn't queer enough), and I just wish I could share those with everybody.

I'm sucking on a Robitussin Sunny Raspberry vitamin C supplement; one of a dozen wacky things I bought when I had that terrible cold; their yummy, and they're a good source of vitamin C (probably), so I'm enjoying them.

I need to drive Mark to work so I can get some vitamin e oil, which Mark says may help with the unfortunate blemish that is jumping up & down on my once proud visage. I also want to pick up some Nair For Men, not to use on my head, but I've been thinking of getting rid of everything else. I used to shave everything from 1994-2000, but then stopped when I noticed how much I enjoyed the body hair of a boy I dated, and decided to give it a go. I'm tempted to get rid of my eyebrows too, but I like to pencil them black, and I missed them horribly when I used to shave them when they were pierced, so perhaps I won't go that far. I should also drop off some clothes for my Dad; I've been procrastinating about that one; the idea of going there just makes me nervous.

I'm seeing Mollie tonight, at least briefly; I have to return our 'haul', and present her with her long delayed birthday present of ZIM.

I so need to get dressed now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:34 AM
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   Sunday, May 8, 2005

I did next to nothing yesterday. I cleaned my room. My computer was fucked up, and then the Kitchen sink was oddly, not draining, and the trash compactor was broken, and there's still not a lightbulb in the kitchen, which I had one for, but have since misplaced. blah. Each time I willed myself up to go to the grocery store Mark used the car instead, which shouldn't have stopped me; he even invited me to go with him, but I was hungry, and tired, and I knew I'd be bitchy, and I didn't want to fight with him the way I did Friday night.

Friday night I made time to watch Justice League Unlimited (3 episodes) & Enterprise (one of the final 3 episodes, which I enjoyed) with Mark; and also set aside time to see Jennifer & Tracy, who will soon be moving to Seattle. Mark & I were to meet them at the Tap Room in Ypsi, but while I was driving us there, at Mark's insistence, my phone rang, which was in my cumbersome jacket pocket; I was afraid if I didn't get the call, it would be a message from them telling us they were leaving, or that they never showed up, so I had Mark take the wheel while I dug for my phone, which I have done for Mark in the past. It's stupid behavior; I know, but we work with each other in such situations, or we have in the past.

We were merging onto 94, and Mark said "Shift" so I put my foot on the clutch to allow him to do so while I tried to hear what Jennifer was saying. Again, I know this was stupid of me; I should have been paying complete attention to driving, but I thought I was within the bounds of sanity, as we have done this sort of thing before, only it was Mark who was driving. Mark told me to get of the phone, and I said "Shut the fuck up". Even while I said this, I knew it was harsh, but I was trying to drive, and listen to Jennifer and Mark was distracting me even more, in a completely hypocritical way (even without me helping him drive, he talks on the phone in the car all the time); when I needed to shift again, and attempted to the gearshift wasn't where I expected it to be so I shifted into the wrong gear. When Mark had said shift, he meant for me to do it, not knowing that I had interpreted his word as a signal to step on the clutch - so now he's yelling at me for something that I thought he had done. When I got off the phone, I apologised for telling him to shut the fuck up. And we continued on.

Mark turned on the air conditioning. I don't like the air conditioning; it really bothers me, which he knows. I prefer to have the window down, but Mark is really anal about his hair, and worries that it will get messed up by the wind. The air conditioning was freezing, and was worse for me than usual because I was wearing vinyl pants, which made me as cold as the air pouring into the car. Now, I know that I was raised in a fairly backwards manner, but part of that upbringing included something that I think is fairly logical. When someone is driving a car, and you are a passenger in that car, the comfort of the driver should come before yours, because your life is in that person's hands, and any distraction could cost you both your lives. I shut of the air conditioning. It's true that I didn't ask to shut it off, but I knew that Mark knew that I hated it, and was also afraid that my agitation from our "conversation" moments before would cause me to say something hurtful. He turned it back on. I shut it off. He turned it back on.

Now at this point I'm really pissed off, because not only is he not worried about my feelings, he's basically saying that what he wants is more important than what I want; after all; my window is up for his benefit. I rolled down my window; to demonstrate that hey, I've been thinking of him this whole time; something that he hasn't done for me. What does he do then? He grabs my hat off of my head (I'm still driving, mind you), and attempts to throw it out the window, which I somehow prevented without losing control of the car.

Ok. So he's worried about my driving while talking on the phone, which is something that he does himself...but in his head it's ok to grab something that is planted on my head, and throw it passed me, out the window - an obvious physical and visual distraction, not to mention an emotional one that could have gotten us both killed. Yeah, that's ok. Sure.

At this point he tells me to turn around and take him home. Now, we're about 4 blocks from the bar where our friends are waiting to see us, for possibly the last time before the move across the country; they've been waiting for us for over an hour, and the call that I answered was them worried that I wasn't going to make it. It's possible that he was worried that his hair looked bad, but with the amount of product that this boy uses, there wasn't a single hair out of place, and I really didn't want this night to end at this point; I didn't want to not see Jennifer & company, and I didn't want for Mark to not see them. I said no. Then he told me to pull over and I could walk, which made me think that I'd gladly drop him off at home to prevent me from saying anything I'd regret, and to keep his behavior from ruining the night completely.

Now understand, I'm not mad at Mark now. I think we were both tired (it was about 4 hours after my current bedtime), and bitchy, and that we both made some really bad decisions. I'm not blameless here, and I don't claim to be. But at the time, I felt like I had made time for Mark (which I hadn't been doing a lot lately), and that this wasn't appreciated. He insisted that I drive the car, and then yelled at me for my driving while talking on the phone, which he does on a regular basis. He was just so hurtful... On the drive home, he turned the air back on, and when I asked him to turn it off he did not. Later, after getting gas (we were nearly out when we left home), and calling to tell the gang I'd be even later, Mark shut the air off and I said thank you, thinking that perhaps he had cooled down a bit (figuratively) and that we could talk, and perhaps salvage the night for both of us, but he replied that he didn't turn the air off for me. I told him I was still grateful that he had shut the air off. And through these bits of converstation I was trying to be polite, and trying to understand what had just happened, and to not be angry.

When we got home, I parked on the street, so I could leave faster; I had to walk him to the door of the condo, because he had not brought his keys with him. When I got out of the car, he told me that I didn't have to slam the car door. I didn't even propel the door closed; the way the car was parked it was on a slight hill; tilted to towards the passenger side; I just let go of the door and let it close, and I had no intetion of the door slamming, or of hurting Mark in any way; I was calm; I was a little worried about what was going to happen when I got home, but I was relieved at at this point that Mark & I would be apart and would not piss each other off, and I could still see the gang, and maybe go dancing later to get rid of all that negative energy. But his accusation, or assumption that I was slamming the door, pissed me off again. I told him I didn't slam the door; he mumbled something back, and I told him to fuck off under my breath while I walked to the car.

The rest of the night ran smoothly; I arrived, at my destination without driving like a crazy person; I made ever effort to drive the speed limit, and to breathe, and to not be upset; it worked. I had a blast with Jenn & Tracy, and their friends Andy, and ??? I forget the other one's name, but I had fun. I told them that Mark & I had fought, but I kept the details to a minimum, both out of respect for Mark, and for my own pleasure; I didn't want to dredge all that up; I just wanted to have fun. It was great seeing them, and it was emotional - with laughter and tears and conversation, and memories shared. Andy is a riot. We only stayed for about an hour I think; I had two drinks, which made my stomack a little bit upset; no one to blame for that but me. We made tentative plans for Necto Monday night, which I thought was great, because Mark had been talking about going with me sometime soon, and this would give him the opportunity to say his own farewell (for now) to Jenn & Tracy. We said goodnight, and drove our seperate ways.

I went to Necto, and actually danced the Friday night music, which I tend to hate. I just needed to dance myself ragged. I met lots of people, and chatted with others whom I've known for years. I met a boy named Patrick who I used to chat with on line about 5 years ago, which was interesting. I had a lot of fun, and I left shortly before closing time, headed home, peeled off my sweaty vinyl pants, and headed to Mark's room; exhausted. I told him about the night, while I cuddled up next to him, and when I left his room I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too, and we both seemed to know that our actions earlier were forgiven, and that we both knew that we made mistakes, and that we both regretted them.

Mark & I have our rough patches, but I like to think we will always be close.

We got along all day yesterday. He was working on his computer. I was...doing a bunch of nothing. I did download the new JLU, which was pretty good for a mostly standalone episode; it only featured Martian Manhunter briefly, with Stars & Starman making a cameo; it gave a voice and background info for Huntress, while further developing Green Arrow, Black Canary, and The Question. Only 6 more new episodes for the 4th Season (or 2nd season depending on if you view Justice League & Justice League Unlimited as one series; which I do), and each of them sound awesome!

I slept last night. I dreamt that we were back in Vegas, and I had someone wandered into an audition for a role on a new Joss Whedon series; the actors there were bitchy, and hooked me up with a script with only my lines, and not anyone elses, which made it nonsensical; when I eventually got to audition it turned out to be a woman's role, which amused the bitchy actors to no end; Joss was not amused and read with me, and I knocked the scene out of the park (I got to slap him), and he said I was almost surely hired, and that even though the part was written for a woman he would change it to fit me - though he said he'd keep the big kiss, which meant I got to kiss my hunky (if annoying) male costar. I was later interviewed by Jane Espenson, who wanted to know what I thought about the role, but my limited info on the part upset her, so she gave me a test (like an actual test you would take in school) and I passed with flying colors, which made her love me ;-0) There were other parts to the dream, but they all related to this auditioning process.

When I woke up, I checked my e-mail, jacked off, showered, sent some e-mail, and then wrote this. I haven't eaten in over 24 hours; I'm starving, and I'm going to get some food.

Enterprise (and Star Trek in general) will end (for the forseeable future) on Friday. I'm looking forward to the last two episodes though.

Oh - happy Mother's Day.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:35 AM
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So, I went to the grocery store and bought lots of food stuff. I chatted with Mark, he's cleaning a lof of our stuff up; moving a lot of it to storage, which is nice. He found a box of Star Trek tapes I bought years ago; I'm giving them to my nephews; except for Star Trek: First Contact & Insurrection, which I'm giving to Carrie tonight at work (she's gonna drop by).

Paul called me; looks like I'm his date to Michelle's wedding, and I'm going to see if I can get tickets to Episode III, for the following day. I talked to Carrie on the phone for awhile as well.

I tried calling my mom to wish her happy Mother's Day, but she was asleep; she sleeps almost all day on Sundays; always has. Jamie, my little sis answered the phone, and she asked me if I had shared some information that she had given me a few weeks back, with our older sister, and I told her that I had. But I didn't call our sister and say "Hey, you've got to hear this." - Our sister asked me point blank for the info, and I couldn't lie, and I couldn't dodge the question, without revealing the truth, so I told her, without going into detail. And there were a hundred other things Jamie told me, that were a lot worse, which I didn't bring up. But Jamie's pissed at me; and she said she was going to tell our sister that I smoke pot, which our sister already knows, and it's posted on my fricking website; hundreds of people know; Jamie's father, and my biological father both know. I'm an adult, no big deal. She's an adult, why is this a big deal? Ugh.

So while I was starting a load of laundry, and talking to Mark, he questioned something I said, about Janice asking me for the info that I had given her, and then I gave him more detail, but it bugged me that he didn't believe me right off. Then I accidentally knocked over our nearly gone jug of detergent (I bought a new one this morning), but when I picked it up I was relieved to see that none of it had spilled, and told him so; he then walked around so he could see - again - not trusting what I said. He asked me when I was going to clean the Boost up in the kitchen, which had spilled sometime ago, which I guess I never cleaned up, but I honestly had forgotten about it; it wasn't that I said I was going to do something, and then just decided not to. I mentioned that he had tried to grab my hat off in the car last night, and could have killed us; he said it was the only thing he could do to mess up my appearance, after I messed up his hair by putting the window down! 1stly, his hair didn't get messed up; 2ndly I think there's a big difference between the driver of a car putting his window down, and the passenger in a car yanking the driver's hat off and trying to throw it out the window, both annoying and shocking the driver, while simultaniously blocking his view. And to try to justify such an act is cowardly, and childish. I'm not saying I acted responsibly last night, because I didn't, but Mark seems to be saying that his bevavior in this instance was ok, and it wasn't. Mark said that I could have gotten us killed by rolling down my window??? How's that again?

He said he was glad that we were finally talking about this, and I told him that I wish we hadn't, because I felt that we had moved passed it, and that we both realized we'd made stupid mistakes last night, but now he seems to be saying that me rolling down my window is in some way just as bad as him ripping my hat off my head and throwing it out of the car! Not only is that not the same, for all of the reasons I've already named, but I love that hat, and he knows it; it just seems so petty. And he assumes that I rolled down my window JUST to mess up his hair, and that I didn't want the air conditioning on, JUST because he did want it on. When the truth is, I was cold, and wanted the air conditioning off, and I would have liked to have my window down, but I don't drive that way, unless Mark is wearing a hat - but this courtesy is not returned; he can't leave the air conditioning off for me, and in fact can't even accept me at my word when I say I want it off. He doesn't trust me. I don't trust him. He's lied to me more than a dozen times; and everytime, I've believed him. And each time I've learned the truth it has devastated me. I try to not let it bother me, because he has told me that he only lies to me, because he cares what I think, and wants me to think to best of him - which is twisted logic, but I can sort of understand what he's talking about, because...he's Mark, you know? But it hurts everytime. Which is why we don't date. We aren't really sexually compatable anyways, but the lies killed us. I couldn't believe him when he said anything anymore; I couldn't share his bed, and when I tried to I felt dirty.

I have really bad timing. Mark has really bad luck. I'm not great at taking care of myself, and I'm a little messy (nowhere near as messy as my parents), but I like to have a bit of clutter. Mark knew all of these things when we met. But I thought that Mark could trust me. I had an affair once, and I told him about it as soon as I saw him, and we seperated for awhile, because I felt that if I was going somewhere else, then I wanted to know why, and I wanted to be honest about it, and the idea of not being upfront with him, was even more painful than telling him the truth. That part of our time together really sucked.

And there have been other times that have really sucked. A lot. But there have also been times of great joy, comfort, intimacy, laughter, happiness, and love. I think that in the last year or so we have lost some of the fun. I don't know how exactly, or how to get it back. I think one obstacle is my health; I developed severe (SEVERE) Acid Reflux in 2001, and since then, there are many times, when I don't want to be touched, by anyone, and we used to be very affectionate, and now there are many times when I don't want to be - or I want to be, but feel that I can't be. We both have jobs now; though his job is more a priority, becasue he makes a lot more money than I do, and we share our funds; so it just makes sense, that if we're both scheduled, and one of us needs the car, that he get's the car. It's not that my job isn't important, or that I don't love it, because I do, but logistically it makes the most sense for us.

I would like us to get along more often. I really would. But so often when I feel I'm being playful, he thinks I'm trying to hurt him. And I think a lot of the time when I'm being hurt by him, he doesn't take it seriously. I believe that there's a lot of mis-communication at work here, and a lot of non-communication, which is what's really driving us crazy. I often say things I don't mean when I'm frustrated, and tired; it's been one of my most annoying flaws since I was very young; I know I get it from my mother because she's exactly the same. So many of the things that set Mark off, don't even register with me as being offensive. I don't mean to slam doors, and ever since I learned that Mark has a sensitive ear, and that slamming doors hurt him, I have tried very hard not to do it, even when I'm angry; even when doing so would make me feel better (because that's why people slam doors, isn't it? it's a form of release); and sometimes when I close the car door, Mark tells me not to slam it, but really don't think that I have. I'm going to have to get into the practice of closing the door SUPER Gently - just so I won't offend him. But I know that my closing doors is perfectly natural to everyone else around us, which I don't think Mark understands. It doesn't matter I guess. I should try to change my behavior here, and I have done so already to a point; it's just going to take some time.

Mark doesn't like me talking on the phone when I'm driving; I'll try not to do that in front of him; I'll have him answer my phone. Here's a strange thing; when Mark bought his cell phone, I was against even owning one, and people that talked on their phones in the car seemed stupid to me, and to get me to stop bitching about them, Mark bought me one, and as soon as you could say insidious bastard, I was hooked. And now he complains about it. Figures. But I will try to not talk on the phone in the car while Mark is a passenger.

I don't even like to drive with Mark in the car because he's so critical of everything that I do. But everyone once in a while I do drive him, because he likes to just ride in the car without driving; I do it for him. I did it for him Friday night; he said he would come with me if I drove.

While I was typing this - Mark came in: "Can we make up now?" he said. We talked about a lot of stuff that needed to be talked about, and we made some progress, which is nice. I'm hungry. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:32 PM
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   Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Ok, this is going to be a Buffy Rant; if you don't care abour Buffy or my views on the show, then skip this entry.

Solomon & Janella came to see me at work Sunday night, which was great. We talked about Buffy, which they will soon be finished with (though they will still have a season of Angel to watch). I asked what episode they were on, and the they told me they were on the episode that I had once referred to as the one in which I wanted the entire supporting cast to die (more on that in a second); and Solomon said that he was sick of Buffy at that point anyways, and Janella pointed out that they (like many cool people) watch the show for Willow anyways.

The episode we were all reffering to was the 7th Season epsidoe: "Empty Places", in which Xander, Willow, Giles, Faith, Anya (bitch), & the slayerettes vote to knock Buffy down a few notches, and then Dawn, Buffy's little sister who Buffy once died to save, kicks Buffy out of her own house, then defends her after she leaves from Rona who I can't stand. Dawn isn't even a real little girl; she's a ball of energy given human form, who Buffy believed in enough to sacrifice her own life, and she's thrown out of her house by this little wannabe human sister. bitch.

And the thing is, Buffy's better off without them. She didn't ask to be a leader, and she was never really meant to be one - they put her in that role - Giles, her once-upon-a-time mentor showed up in Sunnyhell unannounced, with some slayers in training, and told Buffy that she was their "only hope" to fight evil; without offering any suggestions - none. And in fact he was prone to saying things like "I have no idea how anyone could fight this thing - it's all up to you, Buffy." Which is unfair, and just a horrible thing to say to someone! Her former father figure doens't even touch her until several episodes after his return, he just vomits dire predictions, that end in: it's up to you Buffy. And when she does make decisions that he doesn't like, he doesn't stand by her, even though he placed her in charge - he instead goes behind her back and attempts to decieve her & to kill Spike, the one ally she has all season, who actually believes in her, because she believes in him.

The only other character to come through this betrayal without seeming traitorous, is ironically enough, Faith, who doesn't ask to be leader either, and who doesn't push for Buffy to be deposed, and who takes the mantle unwillingly, but as best as she can; she also tries to talk to Buffy, to explain that this isn't what she wanted. Faith has always been written well though, and it was great to see the character written so well, and to come full circle in the end.

Everyone else on the show disgusts me. I wish Giles, Dawn & Anya many bloody deaths; while just one would do for Willow & Xander. The slayers-in-waiting aren't even worth it. blah. lol

And as soon as Buffy is free from the position that she never asked for; the position that they all put her in, and then fired her from when they didn't like her new plan, she finishes that plan on her own, and we see that she was right all along. Some people think that's too conveniant, and it would have been better if she were allowed to be wrong, but it makes sense that she's right. Her plan is based on the experiences she's accumulated over the past 7 years as the Slayer. She's got the experience for that part of the job, and that is actually the job she's supposed to be doing. Faith's view of Buffy's plan is valid, but she lacks Buffy's experience; she doesn't have the same instincts as Buffy. Faith's views as she expresses them are the only ones that don't sound like they are meant to punish Buffy, and are in fact meant to protect her, and the entire group.

It pisses me off when audience members cheer at the thought of Buffy being deposed in this scene. Yes, Buffy sucks as a general up to this point, but it's not something she'd ever done before, or not to this extent, and it's something that she never asked to be; and yet she did the best that she could because those that she loved, and those that needed protection and turned to her for it, expected it of her. And no one thanked her for it. No one offered any suggestions, or help of any significant kind. Willow refused to face her demons, and became essentially, a liability. Dawn wallowed in self pity...until finally trying to fill in for the now, seemingly brainless Giles. Anya was a bitch, and Xander was Xander (rarely if ever a good thing). Faith & Spike (both former enemies of Buffy) become the only two people to support Buffy throughout the entire ordeal; and the only people that seem to notice that Buffy is making the best of a horribly wrong situation.

It all turns out ok, for the most part, and Buffy becomes the general they all imagined she could be, but only by doing things her own way; the way she's always done things. And it's probable that the only reason Buffy get's back into her old role is because of the betrayal & loyalty given her in that horrible scene & it's aftermath, so it's actually integral that it happened. It just had to suck to hear so many people who are alive because of the decisions you've made over the years, people you've saved by giving up your own life (twice), questioning your ability to make such decisions. I know it hurt me to hear them say it. And it angered me. And it made me feel. Which just means that the show continued to rock in it's final season.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:38 PM
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Jennifer & Tracy cancelled on me for Necto Monday night, but Mark, Heidi & I went, and I believe we had fun; I danced like a madman in a kilt, with fishnets, boots, a cop shirt, and lots of eyeliner. Heidi is a lot of fun ;-0) There were surprisingly few people that I knew there, but it was still good fun.

Last night Mark & I watched the first 2 episodes Queer As Folk's 4th Season. I've never been a huge fan of the show, though Mark really loves it. I enjoyed those episodes though, and look forward to seeing where the 4th Season ends up; the 5th & final season has already been filmed; I wonder if that means it will be on DVD any sooner?

Paul & I are attending Michelle's wedding, Friday, May 20 (I just called and got the day off - though I have to go in that night for inventory). Should be fun, though I have no clue what to wear. lol Saturday, May 21 we are going to see Episode III, but I haven't got the tickets yet, because Jen & Tracy may go, but they haven't gotten back to me yet; even if they don't get back to me I'm getting them tomorrow. Mollie is going to, but Mark doesn't want to face the crowds. :-0( I hope I can get the tickets; it should be fine.

I saw someone with the e-mail PantomimeHorse on line which made me think of the song by Suede (or London Suede if you prefer), and so I started listening to some of their tunes, and everytime I hear them now I think about Ian. Ian was a boy that I met in 1996, who my friend Paul liked (though I didn't connect his confessions to me about a boy, with the actual person until much later); I hung out with him one night in 1997, with Autumn who had some of her art up in a gallery that she had the keys to, so we went there to hang out awhile. I remember that he loved that I enjoyed listening to Suede, since he didnt' know many people who knew who they were, and that we both enjoyed the new Cure cd "Wild Mood Swings". I ended up leaving Ian in the parking lot behind the Fleetwood Diner, and when we said goodbye we ended up kissing, which was really hot. I was dating Mark back then, but I enjoyed kissing other people, because Mark doesn't really kiss, except in that light kiss on the hand kind of way. The kiss with Ian was a nice moment in time. We had a lot of conversations that night, that reminded me of some of my history, which troubled me greatly at that time; he reminded me of so many people that I had outlived, and though he had a drug problem, I thought he'd eventually be ok. He & Autumn visited me at work (at Meijer) soon after that, and we all had lunch together; he really amused me, and I thought he looked really cool, and he reminded me of my dead friends. After that encounter I wrote a poem for him, only to learn that he had moved away, and that Autumn had a falling out with him. I gave her the poem, to give to him if she ever saw him again, and I tried not to worry about him.

In December of 2001, I considered writing about him again, and soon after I ran into our mutual friend, Dorian at Pizza House, who told me that Ian was dead. That he was buried. That Ian had been living back in Michigan for sometime. And that Ian had worked at Pizza House until the day he died.

Now, I started going to Pizza House in September of 1998. I started eating there about 3 times a week, which I continued to do for many years, and I knew many of the employees, and managers and stuff; one of my best friends, Carrie, was a hostess there. I asked her about Ian, and she told me that she had known him, and that she had actually gotten into a fight with him before he left; I think he was fired, or he quit, actually; the details are a bit foggy at the moment. She also said that she had no sympathy for him (he overdosed), and when I told her I knew him, and that I had once kissed him, she said that I kiss a lot of boys, and that she wasn't sorry that she had a fight with him that night.

I strongly considered never speaking to her again. It still pisses me off sometimes. It's not that I think he would have survived that much longer. Sure, if they hadn't fought, he would have been at work, and he wouldn't have overdosed at that moment. But he may have later that week; who knows? But what I do know is that I don't believe he ever got the poem that I wrote about him, which weighs on me, because it was about how much his survival meant to me. He would have known that someone cared about him, and that someone wanted him in this world, and that despite of his sickness, he was wanted.

Carrie's role in this hurts me. It hurts me because she got to see him, when I wanted desperately to see him, and when she saw him she was hurtful, and I wanted to see him and be hopeful, and she got to see him before he died, and I didn't. I'm jealous of her, and I resent her for her complete disregard for his life, which was something I treasured. I was probably close to seeing him a dozen times, and just missed him. He worked in my favorite hang out, and that knowledge hurts me; that I was that close, and yet I never got my chance. I didn't even get to go his funeral. When I hear Suede, it's a funerl durge in my head, and when I hear Numb from Wild Mood Swings, he's always there, and I always end up crying. Carrie's disregard for my feelings in this matter almost killed my love for her.

I avoided her for awhile, and it hurt me too. I like talking to her, and spending time with her...but that moment in time, haunts me. And she probably doesn't think about it at all. And now I'm super depressed, and I just want to cry in the shower.

Here are the two poems I've written about Ian:

Dear Friend

IAN IS DEAD

Dorian told me
this only a couple hours
ago...

Said that Ian had worked
at Pizza House up until the end.

Didn't know he was even
back in Ann Arbor...

Briefly knew that Dear Friend.

And as it turns out,
he didn't survive me...

Although he once revived me;
He is cold in the ground.

Only yesterday I thought
I'd write...only not...
& now to learn he's not even around.

Autumn once told me
she'd written him off...
Not worth the cost...
Far beyond saving.

He couldn't stop it...
He couldn't drop it...
Farewells & goodbyes;
all he ever was saying.

Can't stand the silence.
Can't stand the stareing.

Cure sang he's NUMB -
No cure for his fun -
Did not really know him
though I never stopped caring.

Written By Jason Wright
DECEMBER 31ST, 2001

- For Ian -

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:13 PM
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Today is my nephew Jordan's 10th Birthday, Mark & I are going to his house to give him & his 11 year old brother Justin (who's birthday I missed) their presents - if they arrive today as they're supposed to. I'm giving them the Clone Wars dvd & The Thief Of Always by Clive Barker. I'm also giving them some Star Trek tapes to see if they'd enjoy watching more of it. Hope all goes well tonight.

There's a new ALIAS on tonight but we're sure to miss it. Perhaps we'll watch some more QAF? Maybe I'll go to Ohio to dance...but I don't really see that happening. I should give Matt a call though, and see how he's doing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:17 PM
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A lot of writing today. I went outside to take the trash out, and check the mailbox, and it was raining a little, which was nice. On the way to the trashbin, which is at the far end of our parking lot, it started to pour, which was also not bad, though it made me remember walking in the rain with Maggie, a friend of mine a few years ago, who was later revealed as a compulsive liar. I miss her. But I miss her from before I learned she'd been telling tales about yours truly.

In truth, I knew she had the liar thing; she told so many improbably stories; she had cancer; she was going through menopause early, becasue she'd gotten her period when she was so young; her son Simon (who I've never seen in person) stuck up for gay kids in school; Simon's father had a limb amputated...blah blah blah. It just didn't ring true. She also told me that she was pregant, by her friend Matt, who is gay. But I later learned that she told Matt & everyone else (who all lived far away from me, and weren't in contact with me on a regular basis) that I was the father, and that I'd impregnated her while having a 3some with her and another woman to boot!?! And some of them, ok, all of them, believed her!

Now, it's true that I've had sex with girls, and it's also true that I liked Maggie a lot, but not like that; the very idea of it...kind of grosses me out. I liked Maggie because she stayed in touch with me, and claimed to keep a good word in for me with Shawn Foreman & his...crew. lol I used the word crew. lol And the thing is, Shawn believed her. And he didn't stop talking to me, which is nice, but what if he had? This...is maybe why this lie really pissed me off - and I learned from Amber & Laurie that they had both been told the same story!?! Ugh. When I confronted Maggie about this she said they were all (all of them) lying about her. She was also telling me that she got fired from her job at Meijer because she missed a day of work because she has cancer! And also that she was engaged to a lovely man who proposed to her the night they met, and they just KNEW they were meant to be together. WHAT THE FUCK EVER!

I said goodbye to her that night, and told her that if she ever wanted to tell me the truth, that I'd understand, and she'd be forgiven on the spot, but she's never called me, and I don't expect her too, but I miss her.

Oh, and of course she "lost" the baby. Just as I predicted she would, because in truth, none of her gay male friends impregnated her.

But at least one of us walked with her in the rain, hand in hand, laughing, and enjoying our time with her.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:39 PM
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   Thursday, May 12, 2005

Mark & I went to my older sister's house last night. Janice & her husband Jerry have 4 children: Justin, Jordan, Jillian & Jonathan; Justin turned 11 a few weeks ago, and Jordan turned 10 yesterday, so I brought gifts for the both of them. Mark & I both had fun playing with the kids, and it was great to have some one on one time with all of them. Justin is into Star Wars, and he likes the villains more than the heroes, because they look cooler; and he really wants to see Episode III. Jordan had a lot of toys, and a friend to distract him, but we got to interact a little bit, which I'm grateful for. Jillian, who is often shy when I see her, was all about her Uncle Jason, which made me feel great, and Jonathan played with me like crazy!!! ;-0) It was tons of fun.

Amidst all that wacky fun, my sister & I agreed to exchange books; I'm reading The Mirror by Marlys Millhiser, while Janice is reading the first Harry Potter novel. Janice has wanted me to read The Mirror for years, and I've wanted the same for her with the Harry Potter books; they're a lot like books we read when we were little, and I know that a lot of religious people think the books are evil or something, but I think that's kind of silly, and I think that if Janice reads them she will enjoy them; I'd love to see what the kids think of them. DJ, my manager reads them all to his son, who is Justin's age, and he loves them ;-0) I ordered the book for Janice through Amazon, and it should arrive at her door on Monday.

I also agreed to watch National Treasure starring (ick) Nic Cage. Blah. And 50 First Dates. I can't rent National for free, for at least another week, but I've decided to rent the two movies together, along with Fight Club, the movie that Mollie ruined the ending to; that way I can finish that one off, while also finishing this long encouraged voyage to the bottom of the movie pool.

I'm in the 3rd Chapter of the Mirror, and it's ok, except it's about time travel, and going back in time, which I've never really enjoyed. I don't want to go back in time; I don't want to be with people who do, because I like my modern stuff and I don't want to lose it. lol I like having electricity, and indoor plumbing (that can be used 24/7). I like my dvd's and my vibrators, and my internet access. And reading this book, I'm going to have to "live" in the past with a girl named Shay (or is it Mandy? Whatever). I'll read it though; I miss Watch The Wall My Darling already. :-0(

After we left Adrian (where Janice lives) we went to the bowling alley on Jackson, in Ann Arbor, where my coworkers were throwing a bowling bash for Dan, who is going to Iceland for a few weeks, to research stuff for his Norse mythology book. It was great seeing everybody, and the usually untouchable straight guys (as opposed to the ones that I hug all the time) were touchable, huggable, and it was all in good fun. I was tired, but I stayed 'til the end, because it's great to spend time with everybody that I work with: DJ, Zach, Bobby & Josh weren't there though. Much fun was had, and I slept very well afterwards.

I bought tickets for Episode III today, for Mollie, Paul, & me. Now Jennifer & Tracy want to go for sure as well, but of course it's after I bought the tickets. BLAH. Hopefully I can salvage that.

I also spent some time with Carrie, had a conversation with Mollie, worked on my webpage, organized some pix, dowloaded Lost & ALIAS, rented some dvds, and now I've got to go pick up Mark from work. ;-0) We'll probably watch ALIAS, with the possability of some QAF. I want to work on the computer downstairs though, and that might be a problem. Well - I really need to leave now. Hopefully Mark will forgive me when he reads this. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:51 PM
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   Friday, May 13, 2005

So Enterprise has ended, and it's final hour was so disturbingly wrong; so not about anything to do with Enterprise; so much about Next Generation, that it didn't even feature any 'real' appearances by any of the Enterprise characters!?! And not only that - they killed off Trip; they, in the course of 40 some minutes killed him off, decimated the Trip/T'Pol story that has been building for years, which rang particularly false in the aftermath of the penultimate episode, and gave us emotional scenes, that were impossible to invest in, given the knowledge that this wasn't even the true, playing out of events as they happened within the Enterprise storyline, but was only a holodeck simulation, dreamt up by some guy in the future, or by two deeply stupid writers, who have managed to muck up just about every single Trek they've come into contact with. One of the big reasons that DS9 kicked ass, was because Berman & Braga didn't have as much control over that one. I've NEVER bashed them before, but this episode was the worst possible ending for Enterprise.

Now it makes an ok episode of Next Generation, except that Riker & Troi (while still looking amazing for their age), look very, very old compared to their year 7 appearances, where this episode wants to take place. Blah. I'm so sick. The last 2 seasons of Enterprise have been amazing; only to be shit on by this final B&B monstrosity.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:28 PM
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   Sunday, May 15, 2005

After the horror that was the final episode of Enterprise (and yes, I'm still pissed off about it)... Actually, I'm gonna talk about it some more. Just before the final episode, they aired the 2nd half of the final two-parter of the season, which was not written by B&B, and which featured Hoshi in command of Enterprise, Mayweather with an actual plotline, Archer giving a rousing speech, Phlox making me cry when he admitted that he came onboard Enterprise as a kind of distraction & not expecting to form another family - and Trip weeping over the loss of his daughter Elizabeth, whom T'Pol named after Trip's sister, who was killed 2 seasons ago. All of that rocked. We also had Section 31 along for the ride, which was nice.

And then we had "These Are The Voyages...", which is a heartbreaking title for a final episode of Trek, only the episode fucks up so horribly; it's not an episode of Enterprise; that's for sure. And I could have forgiven much of the plot, if the Enterprise characters were allowed to exist within the episode as more than holographic representations of the characters. The drama of Riker & Troi has no weight, because this drama is set within an episode that aired 11 years ago, so we know the outcome, before the dilemma is even introduced here. If Riker & Troi had been serving on the Titan (Riker's ship from the end of the final Trek Feature), or even the Enterprise-E (the enterprise featured in the final 3 Features), then their change in appearance due to their having aged, would not have been an issue. And if, instead of the holodeck, they went back in time, and just remained unseen, but actually saw how things played out, that would have made all the difference; or better yet, if they had just talked about what history recorded, and then had flashbacks to actual events, perhaps showing how history doesn't always get it right, that would have been amazing.

But that's not how it happened. My problems with the episode, aren't about it being a Next Gen episode; it's about it NOT in any way being allowed to be an Enterprise episode as well. Many of the things that happen within the holodeck scenario, couldn't have possibly happened in the actual events that they are supposed to be reliving in the holodeck's environment. Riker asks people questions, that spark a romantic reunion of sorts between Trip/T'pol, who have supposedly never pursued a relationship in the 6 years between the amazing ending of the previously aired episode, and the events depicted here for Riker's inspiration!?! Riker interacts with the crew as the ship's Chef, who we know exists, but has never actually appeared on the show - but he's obviously asking questions of his own, which changes the way things play out, though he's interacting with holographic representations of the Enterprise NX-01 crew. Also, many of the situations, such as Trip's meaningless death, feature Trip saying something cool, when there were no surviving witnesses, and obviously not holographic recorders at hand to get that dialogue right, which means, even if we buy the circumstances that are being played out, we can't trust anything these mockeries are saying - WHICH MEANS, that the events as depicted here, that are supposed to make me feel sad or happy or hopeful - just piss me off, because I'm being robbed (just as the cast of this series were robbed) of the proper goodbye that every Trek series since Classic Trek has enjoyed. Next Gen already had a fantastic final episode, and a so-so final film, Classic Trek had a wonderful finale in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. Deep Space Nine (easily the best Trek of the bunch) ended it's character rich development with a fitting 10-part finale, that still couldn't wrap up every last story thread, but made every effort, and let you know that the writers CARED about the show, and the people who watched it. Voyager's final Episode "Endgame" wasn't perfect, but it was the perfect ending for that series, in that the flaws therein, were representative of the series that spawned it. Enterprise had a 4 year run, with the first 2 seasons floundering, the 3rd season bringing a season long arc, and some great character development, and the 4th season came along and really linked the series to the later (earlier) Treks, and fixed many of the problems that B&B had set into place. The new guy in charge, Manny Coto, was a Trek fan, and his season long run of the show featured some of the best Trek stories every devised; he wasn't allowed to write the finale, and this is the result. I do not consider the finale an episode of Enterprise; at best, it is a horribly off kilter, lost episode of Next Generation - and even that is stretching it a bit. The whole thing just disgusts me, and it reeks of unrealized potential; it just feels like B&B were pissed that Manny Coto was getting the show right, and wanted to fuck it up.

It actually hurt me to watch it.

And I'm going to try to not think about it now, because it pisses me off so much; no episode of Trek has ever pissed me off like this. Some have been stupid (voyager's "Threshold" springs to mind), written by one of the B's of course, but even then I could just kind of laugh that one off... But this was a Season Ender, and THE SERIES FINALE, the last word on the show; and I try to say, well, they wanted there to be evidence that later generations remembered the exploits of Archer & his crew, but the story they chose just seems so not the way to go... And I'm still talking about this aren't I?

Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

Ok. I'm gonna take a breather.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:50 AM
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On a more positive based television themed note, the new JLU "The Clash" was amazingly rich in continuity, depth of character, and had action to spare! The whole "Cadmus" storyline is unfolding very nicely, with only 5 more episodes to go this season, and the promise that it will by season's end come to fruition, JLU is heading towards it's first huge payoff, since Starcrossed. How they will follow-up on this storyline next season has already begun to plague my thoughts. lol

I got to talk to Mollie, Friday night, and it was great to hear about her horrible week, and just to let her vent, and I really love hearing her stories, and listening to her talk; she always makes me laugh, or cry or something; sometimes all at the same time, and I hope that I do the same for her.

Oh, and DJ, my manager spent a half hour on my webpage Friday morning, so when I went into work he was telling me all the things I had done this last week, which freaked me out for a minute until I realized where he had gotten the info, and then it was both funny, and flattering. DJ is awesome, and if he weren't married, I'd probably have hit on him in the worst way by now. ;-0) He's such a sweetie, and I'm not just saying that because he might read this, because I've said it before on here, and I had no clue that he would read that.

After Enterprise Friday night, I went up to Aut Bar, where I ran into Michael, whom I met a few months back; he's cute, but one of those entirely too shallow bar queens; you know the type. But he was nice to be for a little while before his true nature reared it's ugly head; he's a manager at Pier 1, in Northville; why does my brain remember details like this? I'm not really upset I remember, it kind of amuses me.

Now after I impressed him with my memory ability, I noticed that he was standing next to Jason Kaplan whom I met back in March, and was endlessly infatuated with, even after I learned he had a boyfriend. I even wrote a poem about him (which I e-mailed him - and which he enjoyed); something I haven't been doing a lot of this year, but he inspired me. He made me realize that I wanted a boyfriend, or that I at least wanted something more than what I had been getting of late, and for that I was grateful.

So, there I am, with Michael, and Jason, and a boy who will remain nameless, as I've met him dozens of times, and then he said he didn't remember me, though his later dialogue refuted that claim, which I took great pleasure in pointing out, which also seemed to amuse Kap quite allot. Michael was obviously into Jason, which struck me as odd since Kap had a boyfriend. I commented on the boyfriend aspect, when Kap grabbed me, and he told me that he was single now.

Now you'd think I'd be happy about that but I just wasn't. I remembered that he & his boyfriend had been together for years, at least I thought I did, and I said: "What happened to Turkey Boy?" and Michael scoffed loudly at this point, as if my question was rude, but I really wanted to know, because I just had the feeling that they had been really great together. Kap said that his former boyfriend had returned from Turkey, but that he had soon gone back again, and wasn't returning. And I said: "But you guys were together for several years, weren't you?" And he nodded and I sat down next to him, and I said I was really sorry to hear this, and I was. And I gave him a hug, which wasn't meant to be sexual or a come on or anything, but which Michael seemed to get really defensive about... I looked at Kap, and I looked at Michael, who looked as if he wanted to scratch my eyes out, and I told Kap that it looked like he had already found a "friend" for the night, and that I should go. I really wanted to visit with him more, but I didn't want to be in a cat fight, because it just seemed so petty, and so useless.

The thing is, Kaplan made me realize that I wanted something more, but when I found out he had a boyfriend, that didn't make me like him less. And I still like him, but I wouldn't date him right this instant, because he just got out of a really serious relationship, and so I'd much rather be his friend right now. So I was fin with leaving, except as I walked away Michael said in an extremely sarcastic voice: "Nice pants; wear them again sometime.". I was wearing my red vinyl pants, which are awesome, by the way, but Michael just felt the need to try to insult me as I was leaving, to let everyone know that he had "beaten" me or something. Now, understand, that he insulted me several times before this, but that I had just let it go. This time I called back "Nice beer gut; try leaving it at the gym next time.". Before walking out the door.

As I was walking to my car, I remembered how much I wanted to kiss Kaplan the night I met him. Then I thought about Sandor, and how I waited so long to kiss him, that by the time I took the opportunity, he was dating someone else. Then I thought, if only Michael hadn't been there tonight, then maybe I would have at least kissed Kap; just for the sake of doing it. And then I thought...Fuck It; Kap was eyeing me in there, and rolling his eyes at Michael, I'm gonna get my kiss.

So I strolled back in, I asked Kaplan to step aside with me, and I told him I really wanted this, and then I kissed him, and he kissed me back, and suddenly Michael was pulling him, physically away, saying shit about me, about how desperate I must be, and how they needed to "check out", whatever the fuck that means. And I just looked at Kaplan who was looking mildly embarrassed, before turning back to glare and scoff at Michael, before turning back to me and thanking me, and telling me that I was a really great guy. To which I said goodnight, and left.

I went to the Necto to see Robert, who I ended up helping with his show (he dressed as a drag queen Darth Vader); the were raffling off tickets to see Episode III, which I already have tickets for. Michael, the nameless boy, & Kaplan all arrived at Necto as well, and I ended up having another encounter with Kaplan, which kind of made me feel guilty about later; he told me I could hurt him, which made me feel weird, because I think that's all he's after right now; something to make his own hurt lessen, but it's just something that has to be worked through, and I felt like I was maybe taking advantage of his situation; I put a halt to it though, and we went our separate ways, and he again told me that I'm a great guy. I hope this means we can maybe be friends.

Necto was fun, but I was really wiped, so I left a few minutes before the kicked everyone out, and was soon fast asleep in my own bed.

Saturday morning I starting putting my superhero manips in order, which I've been putting off for ages, when Jennifer called. She had called Friday night as well, just before I started getting ready to go to Aut Bar; she'd been in Saline at a friend's party, and she stayed the night with her ex-bf Michael, who I met once; he seemed like a nice guy. Jennifer & I had talked about her coming over, and she now wanted to know if we were both still up for that and I said sure.

Jennifer soon arrived, and she & I, and Mark spent several hours chatting away about stuff that probably doesn't interest anyone other than us, which was fabulous. Later we were thinking about food, and we decided we wanted to play euchre, but we needed a 4th player; Bryan was up North, and Andy was away, and Tracy was too tired, and so was Michael, but Mark's coworker Phil was available, and so we all went to Pizza House together, where I ate all of my delicious food, and then we came back to the condo, where we played 2 games (Jennifer & I lost both times) and then Phil left & Jennifer passed out on the couch. I had a lot of fun yesterday, and I'm glad that Jennifer came over, and that Phil could join us. ;-0)

I slept really well last night. Jennifer was gone before Mark & I woke up; and I downloaded the new JLU and wrote about Enterprise some more before I watched the new JLU, and then decided to write this. I work tonight at 7pm; I need to get my Video Hut movies back today, and I'm actually feeling super horny right now, so I'm gonna have a stroke off session with my favorite penis. ;-0) Wish me fun.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:11 PM
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As I look over my blog I notice all of the typos, or they're pointed out to me by Mark, & I'm super annoyed that there's no spell check available to me on here. I'm a horrible speller, and most of my entries are written when I'm about to go to sleep, or I've just woken up, which does not help. I also, for the record, have horrible penmanship, but I have a huge vocabulary, and I understand the words that I use, which generally balanced things out with teachers; many of them pointing out that it was more important to understand language than to spell it correctly. Because of this problem, the spell-check has become my friend, but there isn't one available here, and it sucks.

Ok, my stomach feels kind of...icky, so I'm going to try to get ready early, and take all that slowly, but I have to leave early to return my Video Hut movies & try to trade in my Episode III tickets for a later show. blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:40 PM
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I've thought up a solution to the lack of a Spell Check: I'm cutting a pasting my entries to my e-mail, which does have a spell check, and then pasting the corrected entries back here ;-0) I've already tried it and it works like a charm; it's just a question of getting around to correcting all my previous entries.

Well that's a load off.

I was working on some pornographic fiction, which I'm hoping to get back to this week. I also want to continue getting my thousands of manips in order; deleting the horrible ones, or the just plain G ones, which aren't horribly impressive, which should be a big help later on. I've actually got some hours this week. I close tonight, which isn't unusual, then I have Monday, Thursday & Saturday off; I work 1pm-5:30 pm on Tuesday & Wednesday, and I work 10pm - 6am on Friday Night / Saturday Morning. I'll be seeing Episode III on Saturday. And sometime between now & then, Mollie needs to come over and watch Episode II & the Clone Wars to prepare for Episode III.

Ok. I've shaved, and showered. I should leave in about 90 minutes. I need to get my work clothes sorted out, and maybe get some food as well, since my stomach seem to be calming down.

I wonder what Shawn is doing? I wonder what Laurie & Amber are doing? I wonder what...a lot of my friends are up to... lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:29 PM
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   Monday, May 16, 2005

Well, I got my Video Hut movies back on time last night, but I knew if I stopped at Showcase I'd be late for work so I just skipped it, and I'll give it a go tonight. I was early for work, which always makes me feel good; I've been trying to be better about that sort of thing. Many times, when I'm late, it's out of my control, and I just have to not take it seriously, but there have been a few times when it was completely my fault, which usually makes me feel guilty. blah.

Work went well last night; not incredibly exciting, but no super stressful situations either. I rented the first 2 discs of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century! This show was cheesy when I was a little boy, and now it's even worse, but as I watch it, I hum along to background music that I shouldn't remember, and I say lines before the characters do; my brain is awesome! lol I also rerented Six Feet Under; I'm gonna finish that first episode damn it!

I got some more of my Superhero Slash Art in order; that's gonna take forever to do, but it's my own damned fault I guess. I'm such a disorganized person. I don't really know anyone else who collects such random things... But it would be nice if I did.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:05 PM
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   Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I got my movies back to Hollywood ok, and I went to Common Language book store, to check out their dvd's which are always overpriced, but I always hope for a sale or something. There was no sale though, and I bought nothing. I have a slight headache, but I think it's actually passing.

I got more of my pix in order, and I actually made some progress on one of the stories I'm writing, which was fun. It's possible I'll hate everything I wrote when I read it later, but for now, I'm satisfied.

I chatted with Paul online about how I'm loathing the idea of driving through Detroit construction, and Canada in general to attend Michelle's weddding, and how much I really hate the idea of driving home through that nightmare of Friday night rush hour traffic, but I couldn't flat out say I wasn't going. I really want to go now! I want to be with him at the wedding, which is just so wicked in so many ways, and I want to see Jennifer & Tracy at the reception. I want to wish Michelle well; I haven't seen her in nearly 5 years, but we've always gotten along; she once told me that she wished that straight boys could use their tongues the way that I do (after an impromptu kissing contest at City Club). I'll probably find a way to go, I just hope I don't regret it.

Another problem with going is that now that I have to work that night I won't get any sleep at all, which used to work for me, but really doesn't anymore. This acid reflux has really altered my life in the last 4 years, and it sucks.

I've been reading up on JLU, and if half of what's been speculated by fans online comes to pass, this will be an extremely satisfying season indeed. Speaking of reading, I need to continue with Janice's book, and her copy of Harry Potter should have arrived at her door sometime in the last 24 hours; I wonder if she found any time to start it?

I'm actually very tired, so I'll probably go to bed soon. This post is probably filled with spelling errors, and I just don't care right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:46 AM
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I was 4 minutes late for work today, but I cut my lunch a bit short, and stayed about 10 minutes over so I'm good. DJ was there when I arrived, but left fairly quickly; Jeff called in, so it was just me & Bryan, which worked out fine. Heidi came in early, which was nice, and I hugged them both goodbye before I left. You have to love a job where you get to hug your coworkers goodnight! ;-0)

This Jody Foster looking girl came in to rent "The Children's Hour" today, and my wacky brain spat out some info, including the fact that the play it was based on was considered very controversial because of it's lesbian subtext; the girl made a disgusted face, and said that she wasn't gay. I told her that I didn't mean to imply that she was, and she saw that I was pissed off, and said that she was trying to be polite. I told her that she had failed, and that she should maybe work on that. I also pointed out that I'm not straight, and I somehow watch movies all the time, with straight plotlines, and I'm somehow able to rent those movies without making the face that she just did. When she left, she said that she would watch that movie, with the person she was renting it for; which was as close to an apology as I got. erg. Bryan thanked me for not killing her.

Before I went to sleep last night I started recording a tape of Alias Season 4 episodes for Carrie; before I left for work I started another one; maybe I can get those to her later tonight; I'll make the final tape for her next week, after the season finale ends.

I'm kind of tired. I feel like I should read more of the book that Janice loaned me, but I'm afaid I'll fall asleep. Harry Potter did arrive at her door yesterday; we spoke briefly on the phone today; I guess my nephew Justin has a concert tonight; he plays the cello; I told Janice to wish him good luck for me.

Bryan was free tonight, so I called Mollie to see if she maybe wanted to catch up on Episode II tonight, and maybe stop by Bryan's, but she has Karen over for today & tomorrow, and she couldn't really do anything with me, which kind of sucks, but I'll survive. She'll be over on Thursday probably.

I want to go the wedding on Friday, but if I do go, I won't get any sleep, and then I'll be awake all night at work, and then I won't be able to lay down to sleep on Saturday because of my acid problem. I'm starting to feel a bit stressed about the whole thing...but I'm trying to relax about it too. Wish me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:10 PM
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Well, the night sucks so far. I think I missed out on a chance to see Jennifer, Tracy & Andy because I was taking a nap when they called, and so I was a bit confused about what was going on; I thought I was waiting for them to call again, but now that I think about it more, I think I was supposed to call them. I just left Jennifer a message... Nothing sucks worse than a missed opportunity.

blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:11 PM
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   Thursday, May 19, 2005

I chatted with a guy last night, who remembered me from Necto a while back; I think we clicked a bit; and he likes JLU as well, which was a nice surprise at the end of that. Just as I was getting ready to close up shop for the night, a boy named Zach hit me up on AIM, wondering who I was; lol. We figured out that he & I chatted briefly on measurection.com, and I remembered that I thought he was cool, but was sad to learn that he no longer lived in the area, as he had moved to New York. Chatting with him was fun too ;-0)

I slept fairly well. The Angel Soundtrack arrived at my door, just as Mark & I were leaving for work; I love the Christian Kane song from "Dead End", and finally it's mine! Work was pretty good; I had 1 cranky customer, who I kind of went off on, but I don't think he was smart enough to understand that; I mean, he wasn't smart enough to bathe. ick. 3 people that I've known for years were shocked to learn that Mark & I aren't a couple, and that we broke up around 6 years ago. I know that he & I are still super close, and that it must seem odd to people, but we're both single. Crazy.

Alias kicked ass tonight!!! So many things happened that I've longed for, for so long! And the season finale is next week, which I'm really excited about now; nothing could be worse than that final Enterprise Episode (yes, it still pisses me off).

After ALIAS I went to Carrie's house to chat, and visit, and dropped off the first 13 4th Season ALIAS episodes for Carrie to devour. I'll give her the remaining 9 episodes next week, most likely.

I have today off; Mollie's supposed to come over and watch Episode II & Clone Wars, in preperation for our Saturday viewing of Episode III, which several of my coworkers & friends have already seen; probably getting out of the theater right about now, actually; I hope it's awesome; it looks great.

I wonder what Solomon & Janella are up to? I wonder what they thought of the final Buffy episode, and how they're enjoying season 5 of Angel? I'll have to chat them up sometime soon. Hope they are getting on well. ;-0)

Well...I'm probably gonna sleep soon; possibly watch some Batman.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:31 AM
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   Friday, May 20, 2005

Chatted with Zach some more last night, which was fun. Today I started a new story, and I keep having ideas for more. I'm not sure that anyone would enjoy them, or if they are written very well; I'm not even sure that I'll enjoy them if I finish them, but they gave me a hardon while writing them, and that's all I was looking for today ;-0)

Mollie & I watched Episode II, but I almost called it quits when I learned that the other films in the series are a big jumble to her; she thought that Han Solo, was Hans Solo; Jabba was Jappa, and she admitted she just watches them for explosians, and pretty colors. I'm gonna explain the whole thing to her someday.

We didn't get to visit with Bryan tonight; Mollie & Bryan were both exhausted; I guess we'll maybe be hanging out with him Monday or Tuesday; then Mollie & her brother Kenny are going out of state to see their mother; I hope all goes well for them, and that they return home safely.

I stopped at the Aut Bar briefly on my way home; I seldom stay in that place for more than 15 minutes at a time. Some nice conversation was had though, and now I'm home, at a loss for words. I'm calm. Not bored really, but I'm not really doing anything. I'm relaxed. And "it's all good".

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:20 AM
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   Saturday, May 21, 2005

Yesterday I woke up, and there were two messages on my phone from Paul; one was from 10am the day before, though it hadn't arrived until after I was asleep; he was back in Michigan and wanted to know if I was going to the wedding. I had dreamt about the wedding; dreaming that it was held in something called the Apple Castle, only it wasn't so much a wedding as a wild party thrown for all the old City Club crowd; Michelle had a blast, and I remember that Steve Rink was there with shoulder lenghth, curly blonde hair; weird.

So I have no idea where the wedding is at this point, and the message Paul left doesn't say; the wedding is in about 2 hours, and I don't have the car because Mark drove it to work (he did wake me to ask me if he should, but in my unawakened state I chose to let him have the care, and hence, continue my slumber. I called everyone who might know, and eventually got to talk to Paul, who let me talk to the groom who gave me the website for the place where the reception was to be held. I got dressed, and had Mark come get me so I could drive him back to work, and then take the car home with me so I could get ready.

About getting ready, I ate a small lunch, then sliced my head open while shaving it (something that's happened more frequently in the last few years - which makes me long for laser surgery to just zap it out of me forever), which was annoying, but I got the bleeding to stop, and got ready pretty much on schedule. I took 14 to 96 to the bridge; and then the directions given on the website all but sucked, and it took me another hour & 1 half to find the place, which was only 25 miles from the bridge.

I talked with Paul, sat and ate bread, and drank some white wine that tasted like death. I smiled for Michelle & Randy, and drooled on a groomsman named Dave. I drank several alcoholic beverages, and chatted with the girl next to me (Erica) and her finace (Gord); we later played air hockey, and Jennifer & Tracy showed up; much drinking followed, with slow dancing with Jennifer, and the miniture golf (I kid you not). Michelle mentioned that I had taught her how to kiss, which I thought was sweet that she remembered (it was 10 years ago after all). And then we had to leave, as I had to get to work.

And then the terror started. Lost Lost Lost. Hours lost. In Canada. At Night. With a headache, and some drunken companions, who drove without headlights, or sense of direction. erg. When we finally made it over the bridge it was around 1am; I was supposed to be at work at 10pm. Mark called me, and was glad to hear I was alive; he had been calling me, but my phone didn't work in Canada. He called work to let them know what was going on; I got lost again on the way home (I was in Wood Haven for awhile); and I got home around 2:30am. Took pain killer; a hot shower; a meal, and I was off to work, where everyone was nice, and we got some work done, chatted, sang, laughed, hugged, and it was so nice to be home.

On a side note, I just wanted to record some kind of thank you to all my coworkers, and to DJ (my manager) for being so considerate to me when I finally arrived at work. All I wanted to do at that point was curl up in bed, and die, but I went in to work anyways, and I half expected them to be pissed off at me, or treat me kind of coldly, because I was so late. And there would be no one for them to know what I'd just been through, and how much I'd been looking forward to working with everyone, and eating pizza (which while I got more & more lost, realized wasn't going to happen), and just having a relaxed work night where everyone could get stuff done, while having a great time. To their credit, everyone came through for me, and DJ even thanked me for coming in after the Hell I'd been through. It made all the difference, and killed any stress that might have haunted me the next few days.

Thanks Guys. ;-0)

Got home from work around 7am. Slept. Got up. Paul is dropping Michelle & Randy off at the airport, (he just called); he's meeting us at the theater (he, Mollie & I are seeing Episode III at 4:30pm); and I need to get dressed.

Whew!

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:04 PM
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   Sunday, May 22, 2005

Paul got to the theater early yesterday, and Mollie got out of work ontime, so we didn't have to rush or fight the crowds at the theater. I don't think the theater was sold out, which sucks because Jennifer could have come with us, but it might be nice to see it with her & Mark later this week. I don't really love going to the theater, because I don't like dealing with all the other people there; I hate people that talk loudly during the movie, people who make a lot of noise or make it impossilbe to see the screen; I don't like people who bring their children and then shout at them to be quiet, when they should just not have brought them... I hate it when cell phones ring, or people check their cell phones for the time, because the lights distract me from what I'm actually there for: the movie. That said, the audience we were with, were mostly well behaved; one cell phone rang, and a few people checked the time, but the kids that were there were quiet, and that's probably the best I could hope for.

About the movie (SPOILERS HERE)
(SPOILERS HERE)
(SPOILERS HERE)
(SPOILERS HERE)
(SPOILERS HERE)

I was mostly bored for the first 40 minutes or so. The space battles blah blah blah, were just...fancy window dressing, I guess; though R2 was amusing. Once the movie really got going though it pretty much kicked ass. It was nice to see the Millennium Falcon, Chewbacca, Luke & Leia, Owen & Beru, and all the other things that tied the saga together. After that first 40 minutes or so, the only things that bothered me were... well, that lizard thing that Obi-Wan rides around just seemed silly, and everytime it was onscreen I had trouble taking the movie seriously. The other thing... I wish they had showed Qui-Gon Jin; I had heard rumors long ago that he might put in an appearance, and when he was mentioned as being back near the end of the film, I just assumed we would see him, maybe with Obi-Wan on Tattooine, but he never arrived. The guess they just through in that reference to explain why we are able to see Obi-Wan after he dies, and later see Yoda & Anakin. Something I loved, was the insinuation by Palpatine, that he was Anakin's creator; it was very subtle, but it helped ease the annoyance of Anakin's immaculate conception.

Episode III really did do an amazing job of setting up Episode IV. I thought Episode II did this fairly well to some degree as well, which is why I maybe enjoyed it so much more than Episode I, which didn't really seem connected to the Classic Trilogy. Enough about this though. I'l probably see it once more in theaters (I saw episodes I & II twice), and I look forward to the DVD (along with Clone Wars Season 2, and the two upcoming Star Wars television projects).

After the movie, Paul & Mollie were exhausted so we went our seperate ways; I was feeling pretty tired as well. I stopped by work to get my schedule and then went home. I'd told Mark that it was possible that Jennifer & Tracy, Paul & Mollie might come over after the movie, so he might want to be ready. When everyone had ruled that option out, Mark was a bit bummed, and while I really wanted to go to bed, I knew that Mark wanted some company, so I went with him to MediaPlay & Meijer; I bougth Xena Season 6 at MediaPlay as it was on sale, and I had $10's in gift certificates.

When we got home, Mark went to get food, and I downloaded the new JLU, which I watched with Mark while he ate. It kicked ass, and proved to be part 1 of the final 5 episodes of the season, which was written to be the final season of the series, except that the show has been getting such amazing ratings, that more episodes were ordered by Cartoon Network. So this season ending story (that has been buliding over the last two seasons, and has since been tied into random episodes across the course of several series) is epic in the extreme. I hope it turns out as well as the rest of the season.

After JLU we watched the 3rd episode of the 4th Season of Queer as Folk; I think this is my favorite season so far, which I guess really isn't saying much, because I've never loved it. I thought the 1st Season was pretty good, but the 2nd was mostly horrible; the 3rd Season was an improvement, and the 4th is proving to be even better. I'm sure most people disagree with me, and that's fine; I don't really see myself as the target audience.

After QAF I read. I wrote some stuff. I played a game. I watched 3 episodes of Xena, and the crew interviews; I jacked off, showered, and went to bed. I slept fairly well, and I've just been relaxing today, which is nice. I work tonight from 7pm-close, and the increased hours of last week have vanished; I don't work again until Friday. That's fine too though. I'm gonna get some food.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:55 PM
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   Monday, May 23, 2005

Mollie, Mark, Paul, & I aren't meeting up with Bryan, and we all seem to be ok with that, though Mollie sounded a bit upset; I probably won't get to see her before she leaves on her trip, and I get the feeling that Staples screwed her over again. They need to just face facts and promote her; don't they know she's a goddess?

I'm thinking of going to Necto, but I'm not sure if I really want to go.

Mark layed down with me for a little while and it felt nice to have a body next to me in bed. Too bad we aren't couple material.

I've been telling a lot of people things that I've wanted to tell them for a long time, and just haven't had the opportunity, or energy to so in the past. I may continue this... it feels good.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:45 PM
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   Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I ended up not going to Necto; I shaved & everything, but I just didn't WANT to go, I guess. I found a cash of Clark/Lex pix online; I don't watch Smallville, but these pictures make the show look pretty fucking hot! Too bad it's not really slashy. :-0(

I'm going to put more of my pix in order. I should maybe go to the grocery store, and I might do that before dawn; who knows?

Janella & Solomon came to Hollywood Sunday night, but I was doing the work thing, and couldn't talk to them much, which sucked. I hope all is well with them.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:53 AM
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   Thursday, May 26, 2005

I worked on my webpage most of Tuesday night, and much of Wednesday; I had trouble sleeping. Batman Boxed Set 3, & Dawson's Creek Season 4 arrived at my door, and I watched some of Batman before finally getting a couple hours sleep. I was eating when Jennifer called to invite me to meet her, Tracy, Andy & her sis at the Tap Room. I got ready, and was nearly there when I started feeling sick to my stomach; I stopped a few times on my way home, and I feel a lot better now. It sucks that I didn't get to see my friends though, and I'm really disappointed about that.

After ALIAS was over, Mark & I watched it together (he was taping it for me, since I wasn't here when it was starting); it had a better cliffhanger than last year, and a lot of cool things happened in it. I just have no idea what the ending means! Ugh! :-0)

I wish Jennifer & company were in A2; I'd go meet them now; I feel fine. And I look really good! lol My body is just completely wacky. I wish I was normal, in that regard. blah. It's really nice outside; maybe I'll go out for awhile.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:30 AM
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   Saturday, May 28, 2005

I had trouble sleeping Thursday night. I got about 2 hours sleep before going to work on Friday at 1pm. I stayed up the last few hours before work to do my laundry, as I didn't have any clean work clothes, only to learn when I got there, that we're having this special weekend in which we don't have to wear our work clothes! I rolled with the punches though, and managed to have a mostly fun day at work. The mistress of condecension was there for a couple hours but I ignored her as much as possible so that I could keep my job. ;-0)

While I was at work, someone told me to have a happy holiday. I had no clue that it was Memorial Day Weekend; or that 11 years ago that day, I had shaved my head for the very first time. lol Crazy huh. I'm actually looking for alternatives to shaving my head lately. I'm tired of doing it - I should be completely bald by now damn it! If anyone has any suggestions, let me know.

Carrie dropped by work to give me a friendly ride home, so I could sleep as soon as possible, and she could pick up the final 9 episodes of Alias's 4th Season. She's watching the final 3 right now; I hope she likes them. I slept until around 11pm. I watched a documentary called "Out of the Past" which was another great GLBT doco that I'll have to share with people.

I felt like going out, but I didn't feel like shaving or showering or putting on eyeliner or wearing black. lol I work black tennis shoes, white socks, blue jean shorts, and I striped shirt. A few people at the bar didn't even recognize me. The ones that did, were shocked; some of them speechless; it made me smile. They said I looked like a little school boy, which was maybe true as a boy hit on me, who was actually 30 - and when I told him I was almost 31 he freaked out and said I was too old for him. lol Men are strange.

I ran into this boy Mark, that I've seen a few times over the last 3 years or so; we have amazing chemistry. He says he's never attracted to white guys, but there's this fire between us. Of course he has a boyfriend, which doesn't make me less attacted; it just makes me not respond to his advances. He gave me his phone # again (this time I wrote it down, so that I would be able to read it later), and maybe we'll hang out sometime when he's sober and we'll be good friends.

I watched a ton of Dawson's Creek last night, and fell asleep around 9:30am. I slept well, and got about 8 hours of sleep. I dreamt about a girl that I used to know named Jennifer Rock; I think she's married now, and in the dream she & her husband and I met at some random meeting, and I was talking to her, and it was nice. There was a message on my phone from Jennifer (not the one from my dream) who wanted to make more plans; I called her back and left her a message.

I chatted with a boy the other night named Chad, who lives in Wood Haven (woodhaven?) and very nearly had cyber sex with him... it was actually very hot. Perhaps we will be friends as well. lol

Before I watched Dawson's Creek (which made me cry a lot - lol) I lit a candle in my room for Mollie & her mother. I know that it's silly, but it made me feel better.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:05 PM
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