Thursday, October 2, 2008

Nothing much to report here, except lots & lots of housework. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:40 AM
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We're in the process of changing internet providers, so there may be days when I don't get to post. Right now I'm using a cell phone to get online. Hopefully this will be sorted out sometime soon. ;-)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:07 AM
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   Friday, October 3, 2008

Looks like the Democrats won both debates, though neither was decisive enough for me. Still, this helps give me some slight peace of mind. Now if only we could win the election as well. I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but it's difficult.

84% thought that Palin did better than expected. The Republicans seem to be taking that as a victory, but that just means that Palin was expected to suck beyond the telling of it. lol

I have a doctor's appointment today; I need to get some more sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:21 AM
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I just watched a video of me with my family that had me laughing out loud. I love my family. ;-0)

I'm wondering if I should leave early or not. My appointment is at 3:30, and I'm usually there early, but I always seem to wait in there for 2 hours... It's really lame. Hopefully it doesn't take that long this time. As far as I know this is just a followup appointment to check in about my magic stomach pills that allow me to eat.

I wasn't able to get any more sleep this morning. I think I had a mild fever. You know how you feel when you get feverish; kind of hyper-sensitive? I was like that, and Mark said I felt warm... but that's since passed, and now I'm just a little sleepy. I'll sleep when I get home from the doctor if I can.

I might go to Necto tonight. A few people requested my presence last week...and the music wasn't as terrible as I expected last week. Plus it's free, and good exercise. But it really depends on how much I sleep. We'll see.

I don't think I mentioned it here, but I saw the first 2 episodes of the new season of Sarah Jane Adventures. The storyline made me rethink the viewing order of several episodes...which was big geeky fun for me. :-0)

I spent several hours last night updating my gay.com profile. They had this huge overhaul over there and there were all these new fields that you could fill in, which I did, plus I updated old info and uploaded a bunch of pictures - with room for 3 more which I'd like to be more current pictures. It was kind of fun.

I heard from Sean Mobley this week, which was a nice surprise. Hopefully we'll stay in touch. It would kick ass to see him again. It might actually serve as a wacky bookend to my Hollywood career as I last saw him just a short while before I started working there. I'll check with him and see if we can't hang out sometime.

Actually, there are a lot of peeps I'd like to see. I should figure out some way to make that happen while I have the time.

Well. I'm gonna leave soon I think. I'll give myself about 20 minutes to walk up to the hospital and still arrive 15 minutes early.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:49 PM
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My followup appointment seemed to be going great, with everyone happy for how well the pills I've been taking have made my life a better one. And then the other shoe (that I had thought was lost in the closet) finally dropped. I can't take these meds indefinitely. I'm going to have to stop taking them in February, and have surgery to see if that can help me, because the longer I take these meds the more chance I have of developing a different condition. I'm really down about this. I feel like Charley; the Flowers for Algernon guy. Make my life all better...and then take it away. If the surgery doesn't work, I suspect I'll end my life. I don't think I could live like that again.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:24 PM
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   Saturday, October 4, 2008

I just woke up with a terrible headache, so I won't be going to the bar. Even if my pills kick in, it's already after 1am. Erg. That's ok. After the day I've had, the bar might not be the best place to be.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:03 AM
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I just saw this comment on myspace (which I hope was a sick joke), made by a gay man, talking about how Palin kicked Biden's ass in the debate. Firstly, Biden won the debate by almost every measure. The one thing that Palin really kicked ass on, was that a huge number of people thought she did better than expected, which just means that they expected her to suck beyond the telling of it. And who can blame them after seeing her interviews in which she comes off as politically retarded, while talking around issues and turning what should be well thought out responses into comedy gold for Saturday Night Live! It's pathetic. Secondly, I find it outragious that any self respecting gay man could support the McCain/Palin ticket. They don't support gay people. They Tolerate Us. That's not the same thing. They also say that being gay is a choice, which is ridiculous. Ooh. And this is taken from a response to that above article:

What was not asked or discussed today in the debate between Palin and Biden:

See the facts below from the Obama website at BarackObama.com, for millions to see every day. Clink on “People” then click on “LGBT.”

Try to find any reference to our existance on McCain’s website. It does not exist and neither will we in a McCain Administration.

Obama Supports legislation to outlaw
employment discrimination on the basis of
sexual orientation and gender identity.
Obama sponsored a fully inclusive non-discrimination bill in Illinois. He was a
champion of the bill for seven years, which later passed after Obama had been elected to the US Senate.

McCain voted against the Employment Non‐
Discrimination Act. McCain said “I don’t
believe that [homosexuals] belong in a special category.

ADOPTION
Obama supports full adoption rights for
same sex couples. Obama believes that LGBT people should have the same adoption rights as heterosexuals.
McCain opposed gay adoption. McCain said
“I don’t believe in gay adoption.”

DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT
Obama supports complete repeal of DOMA.
Obama believes we need to fully repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same sex
couples in civil unions and other legally recognized relationships.

McCain continues to defend DOMA. McCain
voted for passage of the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996, which denies federal legal rights and benefits to same‐sex couples, and he continues to defend that discriminatory law to this day.

MARRIAGE AMENDMENTS
Obama Voted Against a Federal Amendment
to Ban Same‐Sex Marriage. Obama sided with
the vast majority of Democrats opposing
attempts by the Republican leadership to bring up a vote on a constitutional amendment to ban same sex‐marriage.

Obama opposes discriminatory constitutional Amendments state or federal.” This includes
the proposed amendments in California,
Arizona and Florida.

McCain said “I’m proud to have led
an effort in my home state to change our state Constitution to protect the sanctity of marriage between man and woman.”

McCain Supports the California Gay Marriage Ban. In an e‐mail to protectmarriage.com, McCain said “I support the efforts of the
people of California to recognize marriage as a unique institution between a man and a woman, just as we did in my home state.”

When asked if he would sign the federal marriage amendment if elected President, McCain replied, “of course,” although he voted against the amendment in the Senate.

Obama and McCain on LGBT issues, black and white, no gray, and no pun intended.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:43 AM
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   Monday, October 6, 2008

Saturday was a great day. Mark & I took some pictures; went for a walk; went to Staples for a bargain deal; went to Meijer and Borders (I bought Son of a Witch); went to Hollywood & Little Caesars...then home for good food and a movie (Sex & the City), which was good.

I got a lot of reading done; finishing my New Frontier book and starting the final volume. I chatted online for a bit. And I slept really well. It was just a great day! Oh, and I tracked down some old friends online as well. It was perfect. ;-0)

Sunday was more of the same, though I couldn't find my phone, which didn't annoy me overly much, as I assumed it was probably left in the car. One of the old friends I found online contacted me and we exchanged some fun, memory filled messages. Her name is Roberta Hiner, and she and I lived together for 3 months back in 1994. It was so good to catch up with her, and this has inspired us to track down the rest of our old crew. It's a big smiley experience. lol

Monday morning I chatted with the cutest boy, named Peter. We're talking about hanging out, and hopefully that goes well. I also befriended a hot Star Wars obsessed boy, who thought my slashy Star Wars pix were hot. ;-0) I found my phone this morning, dead, but found in the car, right where I suspected it was.

I have this urge to watch "Princess Mononoke" but I don't own it. It's haunting me I tell you!

I love those little spooks. :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:57 AM
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   Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I just woke up from the strangest dreams, of living on the streets with an interesting 'family' of people. I was having a 3some with a couple of them in one section, while the others watched. It was hot, but bordered on dark and creepy. I didn't wake up afraid or anything...maybe a little haunted, but I find the whole thing very interesting.

My libido of late has been pretty amazing, and has been informing just about every choice I make. It's hard to describe. lol Pun intended.

When I got back to my book reading yesterday I'd already read 92 pages of the book; now I have 92 pages left to read. I notice things like that, which I recently related to Mark, who finds the wacky book math that goes through my head to be rather adorable. I suppose he's right. But I bet Mollie notices such things. Maybe not. lol I mention the book, because I dreamt that I finished it, and it had a cliffhanger ending (which is entirely possible, but would suck because it's basically the last in the series for now).

Series 1 of The Sarah Jane Adventures is on it's way here, as is a copy of the book 'Wicked'. I downloaded the new Sarah Jane episode "Day of the Clown, Part I", but I haven't watched it yet, and I probably won't sit down to watch it until I can watch it with Mark; we've been watching the Whoniverse together for quite awhile now.

I got another message from Sean; we're gonna try to get me out to visit him soon. He lives 2 & 1/2 hours away though, which sucks. But I want to see him, and he wants to see me. That's good enough for me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:44 AM
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Well this morning has been fun. So Sean called me at 2:18am. We talked for over an hour about all kinds of stuff, from fond memories to new experiences, to...well...we talked about a lot. It was great fun. I got another call from Peter (the cute guy I chatted with Monday morning) at 3:56am. I let Sean go to talk to Pete as he sounded really tired and I knew he wouldn't be able to talk to me for very long. I couldn't call Sean back because I might wake up his family so we agreed he'd call me back in an hour. The conversation with Peter went well, and hopefully we'll hang out sometime soon.

Then I waited for Sean to call me back, only he didn't. I'd spank him the next time I see him, but I'm betting he'd enjoy it too much.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:05 AM
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I finished reading the final New Frontier novel, which I enjoyed (though the ending felt slightly rushed), then I read the followup comic series, which I had all the issues of. The comics dealt with an apparent followup to an earlier Mirrior Universe story, which is 1 of a few New Frotiner themed stories I've yet to read. It was good, but not as good as the 'real' books, and it had some minor continuity problems in my opinion, but it was fun.

I have no idea what to read now.

I need to eat.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:38 AM
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Here's a neat page all about "The Gravely Anit-Equality Record Of The McCain/Palin Ticket". And of course, Saturday Night's SNL skit for anyone who missed it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:29 PM
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   Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I took Mark to the hospital this morning for an endoscopy, which went well. I then took him to Burger King and work, before getting some groceries, returning the 'Sex & the City' movie for 'Iron Man'. While I was at Hollywood Video, I ran into an old friend, and talked her up while the new manager (David) rang her up. Then one of longtime customers (Les) came in and I spoke to him about why he doesn't recognize anyone at Hollywood anymore. I also talked up one of David's customers (who I didn't know) about the Buffy Spin-off Angel. It was interesting to be back at Hollywood and giving excellent guest service, while not actually being employed there. It was however, really cool, to be doing this where David could see it. ;-0)

I took a nap when I got home. Then I chatted online for awhile. I ate. And I watched political themed videos. If the Republicans win... It hurts my head.

I've started reading "Wicked", which arrived yesterday. It's good, but very, very odd. lol.

Also, 'The Sarah Jane Adventures' arrived today on DVD.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:26 PM
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   Saturday, October 11, 2008

Thursday. I woke up around 4am, and searched the house for my glasses, which I did eventually find. My stomach was pretty upset; I realized I'd been skipping doses of my prilosec, so it will probably take me a few days to get back to where I'm supposed to be. I drove Mark to work. I drove to Sean's house in St. Helen, Michigan. It took me a little over 3 hours to get there, with the distance, and several detours (one of which nearly broke me). Sean looked amazing! I got to meet his mother Tanya; his step-father Tom; his step-sister Carrie, and her son Isaiah. I got along very well with Sean's parents, with them both inviting me back anytime I'd like to visit. Seeing Sean again was surreal, because while listening to him, he was saying things I'd expect Sean to say, but looking at him, he'd changed so much, and I approved of it all. He thanked me many times; saying I was the first guy in a long time to make him feel good about himself, and cited examples of how I was doing this. We went for a walk in the woods, which was beautiful, and led to some woodland frolics. Later we went to McDonalds for old times sake, but when we got back to the house nobody was there. I was getting a migrain, but we fooled around in the dark of his room, which was romantic...and very sweet, very hot. We made the most of our time together, though the circumstances kind of sucked. Later it was decided that I'd stay the night and the Sean would come home with me on Friday.

Friday morning we left for Ann Arbor. The drive seemed to go a lot faster with Sean along for the ride. My stomach was still bothering me, but I tried not to complain about it. I managed to enjoy the trip home. When we got home, and it was like a walk down memory lane for Sean, who'd lost his virginity in my bed, in my room, and it was all really cool to just be with him again, and to acknowledge the history of it all. We messed around a bit, and then ended up sleeping some more. I woke a few times and wanted to get up, only to find Sean's arms around me; it was perfect.

Later we went to Pizza House, and picked up Mark from work. I was really not feeling well at this point, but I concentrated on having a good time, and managed to not be miserable; I didn't waste any of our time together. When we got home, I made myself comfortable while Mark & Sean talked; it was great to see them talking after so many years, filled with so many changes. Later we took some pictures, and waited for Sean's dad to call, letting us know he was in Ann Arbor. We met his Dad and Step-Mom at Meijer; it was good to see his father again; I hadn't seen him in nearly 7 years. We didn't talk long; I kissed Sean goodbye (for now) then shopped for a bit with Mark, running into Rita Knauss, and my friend Al from the bar.

I was a little down. I always feel that way when a friend has to go away. It was weird because he didn't get to spend much time at all with us; we were hoping for another day at least, but it couldn't be helped.

I was considering going to Necto, but I think with the way my stomach has been, I should stay in and rest. It's not bothering me right now, but I'm tired, and I want to sleep. I'll probably post some of the new pictures here, or on myspace later today.

In 7 days it will be exactly 7 years since I met Sean.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:13 AM
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I read a tiny bit of Wicked last night before falling asleep. I woke up around 7:30am. My stomach was still upset. I watched the latest episode of 'Pusing Daisies'. I read some more 'Wicked'. I only saw him for about 30 hours, but I miss Sean; I feel sort of lonely. I often spend large amounts of time in my room on my own, but I don't often feel lonely, and today I do. I find myself thinking about things that he said, or talked about, and wanting to experience them; somehow making us closer. I'm an emotional rollercoaster these days. It's not that I feel we're an amazing couple or anything, and we're not going to be involved again as there are far too many obstacles at the moment, but waking up in his arms, and cuddling and caring for him...even spending time with his family was such a joy, and now I'm back to what I was...and it makes me a little sad.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:32 AM
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I have music from Alias Season 1 stuck in my head. When I first dated Sean, Alias had just started airing, and I was in love with music from the series; I collected it and burned it on a cd for the car, which I listened to while driving to and fro from his home upstate in Fair Haven. I didn't get why this music was stuck in my head until just now. My brain is wacky.

Ironically, while I was typing that, Mark (who is cleaning his room) found his ticket stub to the concert at which we met Sean. It was October 18, 2001 - at the Fox Theatre. Sean had mentioned that he'd recently destroyed his ticket stub while trying to have it laminated. I'd told him that I hadn't kept mine, but I'm fairly certain that's not true now, because I know I scanned it for my webpage a few years ago. It's probably in a box somewhere.

I've been cleaning my room too. I just made my bed, cleaned up some of the clutter and such. I also showered and shaved. I might go for a walk later. If Sean had stayed another day, we were going to walk downtown.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:45 PM
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Apparently, using a paper shredder in close proximity to my monitor can kill my monitor, or that's the theory Mark has on why my monitor is now all wonky. More good news I suppose. Blah.

Mark & I took a walk down by the river, through the woods, across the dam, back up by the train station, through another park and back home again. It was nice to get some exercise and get out of the house. Both of us liked getting out. And we went through and around some places we'd never explored before. Just before we left, I cried on Mark's shoulder. Things are kind of terrible right now. I mean, I'm sonn gonna have this surgery and if it doesn't help me it could kill me - not literally, but it might as well. My pills don't even work as often as they should; my time with Sean demonstrated how bad that can be for me...and how it can get in the way of the things that I desire. Then there's not being able to go to school. Not having a job, or money; politics; all kinds of stuff that's just buidling and and building... But the tears were helpful I think, as was the walk and I'm feeling more upbeat now.

I sometimes feel like life is passing me by; like I'm not actually experiencing, but the time with Sean, and the walk with Mark helped quell that feeling a bit.

I keep having quick flashes of memory of Sean and the things we said and did. It's nice to be haunted sometimes. I'm gonna take a shower, then Mark & I are going to Hollywood so I can rent "The Wizard of Oz", and "Meet Me in St. Louis"; I've never seen the latter, and with Sean raving about Judy Garland and the Oz books, I'm thinking now might be the time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:11 PM
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We didn't end up going to Hollywood. My computer started freaking out, but it seems to be ok now. We can't afford a new monitor right now. We can't afford much of anything right now. We're beyond broke. It sucks.

I ate, with no ill side effects, which was good. :-0)

I just watched the latest episodes of "True Blood" and "Star Wars: The Clone Wars"; I enjoyed both.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:49 PM
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   Sunday, October 12, 2008

I ended up reading quite a lot last night, and eating more with still no bad side effects (yay!). I slept well. I had several interesting dreams, but the one I remember the most clearly, is one that was kind of central to the others, involving me having a HUGE birthday party. We were living in Ann Arbor, but we were living in the same building as the U of M library. Now, this isn't the same location in reality that it is in my dreams; in my dreams it's always around Hill Auditorium, and 20 times as large as any building ever could be! The rooms that made up our home were decorated like my bedroom, but all of the artwork was my own. Famous people were at the party, and there were many fictional characters there, like the Torchwood team. I was all hot for Ianto, but the feeling didn't seem mutual at first. Later I had to go outside for something. It was cold and snowing, and to get back in I had to climb this odd rickety ladder. Jared Leto was climbing up bedhind me and he looked rather homeless, indeed he stole my shoes on the ladder and got away with them. I didn't chase him because I figured I could get more shoes inside, only the little hatch wouldn't open if you didn't have shoes. I had to try several other outragious ways to get in, while realizing that the party for me was continuing without me and no one was noticing, and after overhearing a few conversations, that many of the people that were there, weren't even aware of who I was. It was all very dramatic. lol. There was a bit of sex too. When I finally made it back to the party it was all winding down and I was walking my grandparents and the Torchwood guys to the parking garage. Ianto was nowhere to be seen, having hooked up with another guy... I was sad. I later had another dream in which he came back to me, and hadn't hooked up with another guy at all, but had been searching for me - and what a kiss. :-0)

It was kind of like the above kiss between Ianto & Jack in the Torchwood episode "To the Last Man"...only hotter.

This dream came almost exactly 10 years after the death of Matthew Shepard. It's crazy that it's been that long. I still remember reading about it in a newspaper at Denny's. I remember reacting to it in poetry, and talking about it with family and friends; I remember Mollie reading one particular poem and exclaiming about it.

So yeah. I slept well. And now I'm awake. I still haven't seen last weeks Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, or Heroes. Heroes I can watch on Hulu. The other 2 shows I can watch on ABC.Com. But unless I find copies for Mollie I won't be able to send them to her. Of course my computer won't even do that for her now anyways, but I was hoping that would be fixed sometime soon. Erg.

I don't have any plans today. I may go for another walk. I want to read more. And eat. And watch some of my shows. But beyond that I have nothing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:17 AM
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I ate and read more of "Wicked"; I'm enjoying the book now, though it's still quite odd, and I'm not even half way done with it yet. I feel like it's taking me a long time to read it, though I started it less than a week ago. And though I'm enjoying it, I want to be finished with it so I can talk about it with Mollie & Sean. I watched the new episode of X-Men; this one introduced Gambit. This new X-Men show is a lot like the old one from the 90's, but it's a bit darker; I like it.

I feel as though I'm going slightly mad. I have the notion that exercise might keep me sane. That working at something to the point of exhaustion could somehow set me free. As if pushing myself physically could drive away thoughts of the world passing me by. This will sound odd, I'm sure, but when I hear stories that people tell, or look at photographs...I wish I'd been there, and it almost hurts that I haven't been. When nobody can be everywhere at once, or experience most of what the world has to offer. Sometimes Mollie tells me stories, and really opens up, and it turns out we've felt the same on certain things that I expected to be completely alone in...and that helps. But I don't get to talk to her as much as I'd like...and with so much weighing on me these days I feel horribly trapped...cornered...like the world is crashing down on me from every side. I try to cheer myself, and sometimes I can for a moment or an hour, but then the crushing sensation returns and I struggle to latch onto something that can save me from the darkness. Often times it's a book or a movie or music. Though sometimes I feel as though I'm wasting my time with those things, yet I can't imagine what more I should be doing. I used to bide my time with work, but even then I sometimes had the sensation that I was wasting my time... But what am I supposed to be doing? I thought going to school might take some of that feeling away, but now with my upcoming surgery that may or may not help me, I feel like that dream has been stolen away, leaving me feeling more vulnerable than I suspected I was. I don't know where all of this is pouring from, but I'm grateful that I have this blog to write it all down in.

Sean gave me a picture to include in my collage; a drawing he did a few years ago. The drawing itself is glued to another page; a page of his diary. I've read the page a couple of times and it comforts me that the lines were written by his hand; that the thoughts are his, and that I have them with me now. But it saddens me that I wasn't there for the writing of them. Or that years ago, when he lived very close to me in Ypsi, that we never had any contact. And it's not just him. The days of might have beens, like the days of wine and roses, are filled with regrets that I seldom take the time to contemplate. I feel like a missed opportunity.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:45 PM
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I jacked off and took a shower. I talked to Mark for a minute and then left Mollie one of my long rambling messages, until the automated voice cut me off, as it usually does. I'm going to get dressed now and go for a walk. I might even jog. I'm not much of a walker and I can't remember the last time I jogged. I don't really get any exercise except when I go dancing, or if I have sex. It's kind of sad I suppose. It's not that I'm lazy exactly, but I don't think I'd like myself with muscles. Perhaps I'm wrong. I also worry that I'll damage myself while exercising. lol. I must be the silliest(?) creature on the face of this planet.

And though I often feel like my time is being wasted, I also feel proud of the fact that I've taken up reading again in the last few years. For about a decade I read 3 or 4 books a year (if that) and then in 2007 I started keeping track of what I read and tried to keep up with reading, and I've done the same this year. I've read mostly Star Trek books, as I owned a disturbing number that I had never read, and I've been trying for the most part to read books I'd not read before, with a few exceptions. Here is a list of books I read in 2007. Here is a list of what I've read in 2008, with 2 unpublished Trek books already listed, as I have plans on reading them as soon as they are available.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:27 PM
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Haven't gone jogging yet. I got dressed. How does one dress to jog? Are there rules? I both love and hate my clothes.

I've noticed in the last several days, that my room feels more and more like a cell, rather than a sanctuary. Even the art is deceptive. It's beautiful. A beautiful distraction from my prison. But if my room is a prison, then who is keeping me here. When I began this decoration, my illness was keeping me here, and with the pills and most of my health returning to a state I never dreamt possible, my room started to feel small and oppresive, just as it once felt like my saftey net from the humiliation of my life outside these 4 walls. But now, feeling like I might be forced to remain here again, against my will, as opposed to retreating here...it feels like a prison.

I think it's my own thoughts that are sometimes my worst enemy. I get lost in my head and don't know how to get back out. I should be outside, running, enjoying and yet I'm still here because I got a little lost getting dressed and then remembered a point that I'd forgotten. My room is a cell. How can I make it my room again?

I just started crying again. I've cried 3 times in the last 24 hours. Once with Mark. Once leaving Mollie that message. Once now sitting at the keyboard. The tears are intense, but fleeting; they're already drying though I may never forget them. I think my memory, which I cherish, is something that I am coming to loathe as well.

"Memories were meant to fade; they're designed that way for a reason."

What the fuck is wrong with me?

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:41 PM
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I get up, and flashes of memory behind my eyes. Words. Images. Overwhelm me. I think I may need to be medicated. How fucked up is that?

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:02 PM
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I'm ready to jog now. I'm wearing my red skull guitar shirt, black shorts, shoes and socks. Basically, exactly what I wore for my walk yesterday, except the shirt. I don't know if I should wear sunglasses or not.

I just got a hug from Mark. I said: "Do you want to give me a hug." and he came and hugged me. He said that he always wants to give me hugs, even when he's mad at me. Then, taking a moment during the hug to think about it, he said that it was more about getting hugged by me that he enjoyed. I called this a curious notion, and thought about it as I leaned against the hallway wall. I had flashes of waking up in Sean's arms and almost cried again. I said that I thought that I preferred to hug people rather than be hugged by them in general, and asked if that was wrong. Mark said that we're just very differnt, then the suggest that I have a sip of water before my jog. I had a sip of water and I wrote this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:16 PM
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That was fast. I walked the block to the jogging path, then ran the half of it, before turning off near the dam, and walking the rest of the way back. I'm soooo out of shape. My heart was pounding, and my head was sweating. It felt good to get out there again though, and people smiled at me and told me to have a good run. It was nice. Perhaps I can go for just a walk, later with Mark. A longer walk downtown? It's a thought.

When I think about walking downtown, I think about walking in the diag with Shawn Foreman, back in 2000, and later in 2002. It doesn't matter how often I walk there; those are the memories that spring up. Now when I go there I also think of walking through there with Preston, and now I'll also remember Sean's stories about the 'Time Tunnel' and his experiences there; looking for the scratch etchings on the sign. When I'm there at night I think about all my wanderings with Carrie, Mollie & Adam; sometimes Bill & Rob. I remember the crazy guy who almost murderered us while he hunted for the homeless (ask Mollie or Carrie about that and they'll tell you the same). When near the 'fish fountain' I remember being naked in there with Steve and Paul and Darla; of the 'night that never was'. I look at the clock tower and remember making out on that bench with Gene Warrick in fall of 1994; of kissing Josh Gerding across the way in 1998; of Steve Ball in the tower and our time in Hill Auditorium in August 2000. This is what I'm talking about. I'm constantly haunted by memories that won't let me alone. It's wonderful sometimes, but sometimes it's painful and makes me feel like I'm going mad. The weight of my memores are dragging me down.

I'm writing a lot today. It makes me feel safer somehow. Like if I didn't get all this out I might explode.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:42 PM
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I ate and read some more "Wicked". I watched the latest episode of Smallville ("Instinct"). Smallville mostly sucked last season (Season 7), but I really feel the show is back on track this year. Losing Lex and Lana has energized the rest of the cast, and the new additions have all worked well in my opinion. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:50 PM
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I wrote in my myspace blog, and uploaded a bunch of pictures. I also updated my mp3 playlist, but it wasn't as complete as I'd like as they didn't have the majority of the songs I was looking for. Oh Well.

Mollie called me back, which was wonderful. She knew exactly how I was feeling and that made all the difference. It's really fun talking to her about "Wicked" as she had the same reactions to the book as I'm having - which I think are different than the ones that Sean had. Oh. lol. Also, she thought that when I was talking about Sean Mobley, that I was referring to Shawn Foreman, so she was taking much of what was written out of context. lol. She makes me laugh.

I'm getting a slight headache; I've already taken my pills. Now I'm gonna have something to eat. I'm also going to download the ABC player so I can watch last weeks episodes of 'Brothers and Sisters' and 'Desperate Housewives'. I'll probably read more 'Wicked' as well. I'd like to be at least half way finished with the book when I go to sleep tonight.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:35 PM
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I ate. My meds kicked in. I watched last week's 'Brothers and Sisters'. I feel like myself again. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:29 PM
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   Monday, October 13, 2008

After the last entry I watched last week's "Desperate Housewives", then I tried to read 'Wicked' but fell asleep. I had random wacky dreams. I woke up several times. My last dream really freaked me out. In this dream I was still living with my parents, and this old friend of mine (who's name I can't recall, but she's pretty, with coffee colored skin, and she's a lesbian) was staying with us and was coked out of her mind. She left in a car to get her film developed (which included pictures of me). I wanted to call the police, but everyone objected, saying she was fine. But she was NOT fine. I secretly called the police. When the girl returned home, she was no longer the friend I remembered, but was my little sister Jamie. She was still only a toddler, but she was very smart, and also doing cocain. I was really frightened for her, and no one was taking care of her; she was doing it all on her own, but what if something happened to her? I confronted her and held her and told her I'd called the police for her own good, and she cried and wailed, which was just terrible. I cried and my mother yelled at me, but she so obviously didn't care what was happening. They were all drugged out of their minds. It was terrifying.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:32 AM
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After writing about my dream, I started reading the news, and Mark got up and I told him about the dream. In telling the dream to Mark I realized that the dream was all about Sean and his family. Sean told me during my visit that he'd thought it would be so secluded upstate that it would be easier for him to be clean and sober, but his family pop perscription drugs like candy, which makes for a less than supportive environment. They obviously love him, and have a connection that I envy, but it's easy to see how having such a family could lead one to drugs rather easily. Just the way drugs are spoken of in the house was eye opening. I hope he'll be ok.

So...it's Monday morning. I'm very awake. And I have no idea what the day will bring.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:06 AM
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I got Mark off to work. He's gonna be late, but I warned him, and got hugs in return. The cable guy is coming today between noon and 4pm. Mark's gonna call me when they call him.

I'm back to feeling kind of over emotional. I think that dream knocked me on my ass. Now I have to get back home again. I keep crying. I apparently have a lot of emotions that I need to deal with. They seem to be coming at me from all angles. The hospital. Memories seem so fresh and so old all at once. So many relationships, and hurts, and loves. It's all running over me. I'm trying to do some housework, to kind of outrun it, just until I can deal, but it's not really working.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:42 AM
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I did the bathroom trash; made my bed; uploaded more pictures to myspace, and resorted my photo albums. I jacked off and showered. I ate. I read more 'Wicked'; how dark and disturbing it's become, and so very quickly. It matches my mood.

"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife
baby, edgy and dull
and cut a six inch valley
through the middle of my soul."

That lyric struck me, nearly 7 years ago now, when driving home from Sean's home up north, when he told me that he was ashamed of me and my words. I wrote a poem called 'Six Inch Valley', and meant to include it with a mixed cd for him, bookended by the original Bruce Springsteen version of "I"m On Fire" (where the lyric springs from), and a cover version by Tori Amos. While Sean was here on Friday, he said to me in my room...he told me that he was never ashamed of me, but had been ashamed of himself. The moment haunts me today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:20 PM
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I called Sean's mom's house and spoke to her for about 10 minutes. I wished her luck with her job hunt, and she told me about her weekend. I told her that Sean had made it out here and to his dad's truck in one piece. She was kind and said she liked me and like for me to visit again; I told her I would if I had the time and money. I have the time now, but no cash for gas. It sucks. I was going to ask her for Sean's dad's phone number but then lost my nerve, but then she offered it to me. After we let each other go, I tried the number but I got a voicemail box. I usually leave messages, but I realized I had no idea what to say. lol Anyways, Tanya (Sean's mom) was cool, and I think she knew that I wanted that number - and I think she knows that I care about Sean.

My stomach is slightly upset, but it's my own damned fault today. I ate too much. I knew I was eating too much; I suspected, and I didn't stop. I've been pretty good about listening to that little voice in my head, but today... It bothers me less when I know it's my fault. When the pills just don't work, then it troubles me, because I get stressed thinking they may never work again. But I'm ok.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:33 PM
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I've arranged some of my clothes; started doing some laundry. I emptied the trash downstairs, and organized a few things. Seems like whatever I do isn't good enough. I'd like to go for a run or walk or something, but I'm stuck here until the cable guy comes.

Mark just called. He needed some credit info. He's working to get us money that will keep us going but dig us deeper into debt. I hate debt. I fear debt. I've never really had a 'real' credit card; that's how much a fear debt. But sometimes credit cards can save your life.

I rented 'Iron Man' for Mark last week; he didn't like it. It's due back today, and maybe I'll watch it, but I don't feel like it right now. But my moods are rather flexible of late.

I called Sean's dad again, and he aswered the phone, but he said that they'd been out late and that Sean was still asleep. He said it would be fine if I called back later...but didn't say how much later. I'll probably try again tonight.

There's a new episode of 'The Sarah Jane Adventures' on today. We still haven't watched the last one yet. They're always 2 part stories so if we get this new one we'll have the complete tale. I should be excited about that, and yet I'm not. I don't know why that is. I mean, I'm usually very excited about new Whoniverse stories, but it feels like something I was excited about a long time ago. Isn't that odd? Perhaps I'm just a little burnt out and will be more excited about it later tonight. I don't know.

About 'Wicked'. I'm still reading it. I just got to Part 'III: City of Emeralds'. It feels like I've been reading this book for a year, but it's been only a week. It has some sort of strange power over me. Mollie had the same experience with it, though I think Sean probably didn't. Or perhaps he did, as he said something like "if you can get through it", as if it was a difficult read. Yet I'm sure I'll finish it, and probably within another week, though it may feel like decades at this point.

Writing blog entries seems to alleviate the darkness that swirls around me latley.

Mark just called; said that the cable guys should be here in about 10 minutes.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:40 PM
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So I'm writing this entry (and all further entries for today) on a wordpad. We don't have any internet. I just wrote in my last entry that the writing in my blog seemed to help, and then shortly after that the internet was shut off. How brilliant is that? I'm shaking.

I'm trying to clean the kitchen and get all the dishes washed. I thought if I could just conentrate on cleaning one room instead of running from one room to the next I might be able to accomplish something. I feel so at odds with everything and everyone around me... I need to get a handle on this. I need to be ok if I'm going to be any help to anyone else.

Of course this also means that I won't be getting that Sarah Jane Adventures episode today, but I don't really care. I'm taking everything too personally. I need
to just keep cleaning. Maybe go for a walk. I need to give Mark some slack. I need to not worry about stuff and just enjoy what I've got going on.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:12 PM
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I dived into 'Wicked' after the last entry; reading 42 pages before I stopped to answer the phone. I'm now over half way through the book (finally). The book is good, but I just realized, that not since the prologue has the book been from the witch's point of view - which means we're learning far more about the witch without ever really knowing her. It's very distancing and unsatisfying. As unsatisfying as friendship can be when you realize that you will never truly know another person completely. It's sad.

Mark called. Apparently AT&T screwed us. They don't even have DSL internet in our neighborhood which means we're without internet for nothing. Switching back to what we had before will take 6 to 11 days. I suggested trying Comcast, for though we had a really bad experience with them in the past, they might be faster at getting the internet back up - and will be faster than our connection would be otherwise. Mark is checking into it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:44 PM
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I read on. I'm on page 295, in Part "IV: In the Vinkus".

Mark called. Comcast will be expensive but could allow the internet to be back within a day or two. I want to save money and wait for the internet, but it's part of what drives me to survive. I'm torn up inside. Some moments I feel whole and happy...and then it's like I remember myself (or do I forget?). I don't know how to explain it to others and I can't make sense of it in private.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:48 PM
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On Masturbation:

I jacked off again. It helps. My boundless memory calls up a scene from the movie "Ordinary People" in which Judge Hirsch as psychiatrist asks Timothy Hutton as patient:

"What are you thinking?" or possibly "What are you thinking about?"

"That I jack off a lot."

"Does it help?"

"For a minute."

It certainly does. Jacking off while overwhelmed clears my mind. There's only pleasure.

Just after I exploded (even crying out) the phone rang.

Mark had good news, though he sounded doubtful about it. I believe he's worried about me. He knows this time of year isn't good for me, and sees that I'm becoming more emotionally distraught. Apparently we're going to have some money coming in, as he got a loan from the bank, and also got an offer on a domain name. This is good news of course, but I'm not certain it helps with my emotional breakdown. Ugh. One minute I'm fine. I'm the Jason that everyone knows. And then the next I'm something else. It's so fucking confusing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:24 PM
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I tried calling Sean at his dad's again. Sean answered but he didn't sound like himself. He said that he can't talk on the phone until after 7pm and that he'd call me back at 7. That was weird. Now I'm worried.

I started another load of laundry, and cleaned off the counters and stove top in the kitchen. I'm going to do the dishes next.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:40 PM
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   Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Mark got home last night around 7pm, having called and told me he'd be home around 7:30pm, and then again with the right time. I was reading Wicked. I told him about the strangeness with Sean, and he suggested that the reason behind the 7pm time was that he's probably talking on his dad's cell phone, and that they have free minutes after 7pm. That made sense, but didn't explain to me Sean's strange tone of voice. That in itself made me worry, and then I became even more worried as Sean didn't call me. I kept thinking that I should call, but then felt that took away Sean's chance to call. Did I mention I'm completely insane lately? lol It's all seems very funny in the night of morning.

After all that, Mark & I returned 'Iron Man' which I didn't watch. I rented 'The Wizard of Oz' and 'Meet Me in St. Louis'. I also have a yen to watch 'Will & Grace'. How gay am I? Jonathan Ream has returned to Hollywood video; we talked for about 10 minutes or so about his adventures. I also met a new guy named fish, and ran into 3 old customers who all said that the new arrangements at Hollywood suck. Fish said that he wants to meet DJ as he's already a legend at the store. That seemed like a cool closing.

When we got home, Mark tried to get me some kind of WiFi internet but it didn't work. While he did this I continued to read. I was getting really tired, but every now and then I fancied going to the bar. Mark eventually hooked his hand held computer to mine to give me internet access. I downloaded the new Sarah Jane episode and continued to read until I had to sleep.

I think I had good dreams. I don't really remember. I didn't sleep a full 8 hours; more like 4. I woke up with a craving for ice cold Cherry Pepsi, which I drank with gusto, along with my meds. I checked, and finally they've posted all these tv shows that I like ontime, only it will take me hours to download them on this connection. I'm giving it a try anyways - I so want to watch the new 'True Blood' and 'Brothers and Sisters'. ;-0)

Let's see. I left off in Wicked on page 380; less than 150 pages left. Hopefully, probably I'll finish that this week. Then I may return to Narnia, or Oz, or Dune, any number of other books, but I think I'm a little burnt out on Trek. That's ok. It will heal in time.

I've been awake for over 2 hours. How did that happen, and what have I accomplished? I updated my blog posts from yesterday. I read the news. I posted on a Trek forum. I read my e-mail; then my myspace and facebook mail. I started some downloads, and wrote this.

I have the internet for as long as Mark is home.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:15 AM
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Sarah Palin revealed as a LIAR. <- this has to be seen to be believed. It's just so beyond outragious. I use that word a lot when when discussing Palin and McCain. I wonder why that is?

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:36 AM
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I read more of 'Wicked'; I now have just over a hundred pages left. It's not at all how I expceted it to be. But I'm drawn on.

Mark will be getting up for work soon, and will leave me with no internet connection for the day, which is fine I suppose. I'll post any updates on a wordpad for later inclusion. I want to finish 'Wicked'. Beyond that I have no clue what today brings.

I want to call Sean again tonight after 7pm, as I'm worried about him, and yet I don't want to pester him. Maybe he didn't call me for a reason beyond just forgetting? Who knows?

I was able to download 'True Blood' & 'Brothers and Sisters' so I'll be watching those for sure. I'm currently downloading the latest South Park which is said to feature a controversial storyline involving George Lucas & Steven Spielberg raping their creations, which I find amusing. I'll probably have the complete episode before Mark leaves, but I might not. I'll get Desperate Housewives tonight if all goes well.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:10 AM
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Mark's about to leave for work. I'm most likely goiong to finish 'Wicked' today; Dorothy is in Oz. I did get all of that South Park episode, so I've got some television to watch.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:57 AM
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I watched 'Brothers and Sisters', 'South Park' & 'True Blood'. 'True Blood' was the only one to truly impress. It's one of those shows that I would love to see on dvd with commentary, or to have caught on dvd to see the entire show in one sitting, yet I'm enjoying the series as it plays out just as much. I know Mollie's going to enjoy it.

There was a lovely wind storm this morning, with a bit of rain that shook the autumn leaves from the trees; it made me smile and feel alive. The storm is gone now; the air is still, but the carpet of leaves remain. I might just go out and explore. I feel like I take living here for granted. I hide away in my room, and that's always been enough for me, but lately I feel the need to step outdoors. I'll just go outside and sit on the steps leading up to our door.

My new call to exploration is 3 fold. 1) it makes me feel less out of control, though I don't know why. 2) it answers a call that I think I've always felt, just beneath the surface of things. 3) it speaks to the feelings stirred on that walk last Thursday with Sean...something about appreciating nature and the city where I'm lucky to live in. And what's the point of that if I don't go out and actually LIVE there? I guess that's my point. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:06 AM
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I just walked a complete circuit. There are these parks near where I live that I've never ventured into. Until today. I had no idea they were so expansive. There's actually a kind of jogging path that I wandered in this giant circle. I have no idea how many miles it was, but I walked it. My legs are going to be sore later, I think, but it was worth it. I can feel my muscles. I wasn't aware that I had any. lol. It was so good to get out there and just be...and get some good exercise too. It was a beatiful day; not too hot, nor too cool. And the leaves and were so beautiful. I have sweat pouring down my face. I need to take a shower.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:02 PM
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There. Feeling much better now. :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:08 PM
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I just woke from a nap. I dreamed about reading 'Wicked'. I feel warm.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:54 PM
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I finished 'Wicked'. I may have to reread the ending. It felt anti-climactic. Some events seemed transcendant while others just seemed odd. Perhaps they were neither; perhaps they were both. I'm still uncertain about the reading of this bizarre book.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:30 PM
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After finishing 'Wicked' I ate, shaved and showered. I then took Mark out to show him the places I'd discovered today, which was fun. I called Sean back, and got to talk to him. I told him about me unexpectedly missing him, and he said he missed me too. He told me all about his family drama, and we talked about how much we like his mom. It was a good chat. He's going to be back at his mom's tomorrow night and told me he'd call me then or when he waked up on Thursday. Later Mark gave me a program to make animated gifs with, which I worked on while talking to Mollie on the phone. I made my first 2 gifs. 1 is of several still images of me and Sean from friday:

The other is from an old avi from 2006 of me and Jeremy Merklinger:

"Birthdays are awesome"

I think the gifs turned out fairly well.

Later I went to Aut Bar, but it was pretty dead and I only stayed for about 10 minutes. I still smell like smoke though.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:39 PM
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   Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I did almost nothing today. It was cool and rainy outside. I watched the first 2 discs of 'Will & Grace', season 1. I watched the latest 'Desperate Housewives'. I watched 'Mrs. Henderson Presents'. I ate. My stomach was treacherous today, but not overly much. I feel overly exhausted for having done so little. I'm sick of not having an all access pass to the internet; sick of not having any money; sick of sickness; sick of feeling insane. But what can you do? lol

I haven't started another book after finishing 'Wicked' yesterday. It sometimes takes me a while to decide what to read next, as I take in what I've just read. But I think that I'll start the 5th Harry Potter book tonight. I reread the first 4 in the series earlier this year, and I'd really like to reread the final 2, though I don't want to skip the 5th one. Anyways. I'm off.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:56 PM
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   Thursday, October 16, 2008

I started watching 'The Wizard of Oz' last night; I'll most likely finish it today, as I left off with Dorothy and her companions arriving at the Emerald City. It's still good, and fun to watch, even though I know most of the lines by heart. I don't think that I've seen it on dvd, so it was interesting to see more of the movie than any time in the past.

I didn't start reading Harry Potter. The 2nd book in my long awaited Star Trek 'Destiny' trilogy will most likely be here tomorrow, or Monday at the latest. If it doesn't arrive tomorrow I'll most likely start another book - otherwise I'll wait for 'Destiny, Volume II: Mere Mortals'.

Looks like Obama won again last night. Hopefully the election goes smoothly (I hate hearing all those stories about Republicans trying to scare tactics at the polls). Less than a month left, and then perhaps all this madness will be behind us. Or not. It's sort of stressful.

Actor Gayle Harold, who played Brian Kinney on 'Queer as Folk', and is currently starring on 'Desperate Housewives' was in a terrible motorcycle accident. I've enjoyed him on both shows, though I never took to QAF the way others seemed to.

My stomach's been upset for most of the night. I may have to take one of my dreaded Zombie Pills [aka Cymbalta]. The pills help my stomach a lot, but they also make me go a bit catatonic, and make it nearly impossible to cum. The effects only last a few days, and I should probably start taking the pills once a week or something, but they creep me out...

Mark is in the shower. He went to the hospital (on his own, as I was feeling gross) and had his nose / stomach tube removed, which was far easier than having it put in, just as it was for me. He couldn't shower for those 24 hours, so he's taking a long shower now, and I don't blame him one bit.

Mark will be leaving soon, and with him will go the internet. We should find out today, when exactly we'll be getting our old internet service back. They were supposed to call us yesterday, but didn't. Mark will call them today. I hope he has a good day today...he's had some crappy days lately, and my borderline insanity hasn't helped.

Speacking of insanity, I need to get in touch with my dad and let him know why I haven't been hanging out with him. The reasons being that I haven't been feeling well, and until next week I don't really have any money.

Everything seems kind of dead right now, and it sucks. I miss my friends. I miss some people that I wish I didn't miss. lol. I miss work. I miss sex. I miss a lot of stuff. I miss myself.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:46 AM
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   Friday, October 17, 2008

I finished watching 'The Wizard of Oz' yesterday, then watched 'Meet Me in Saint Louis' which was good, though I didn't love it. I'm glad I saw the movie though. Seeing 'The Wizard of Oz' again, on DVD was interesting. I picked up on lots of details I'd never noticed before, like the Scarecrow carrying a gun when coming to save Dorothy from the Witch, and the Witche's reference to the Jitterbug (a cut sequence that I've known about for decades). There was also a behind the scenes documentary with (gag) Angela Lansbury that was recorded for the 50th Anniversary, which I saw when it was new back in 1989/1990. The 70th anniversiary is next year.

Instead of taking 1 of my Zombie capsules, I took half of one, mixing half of a capsule with my food. It seems to have worked so far... But these things can be tricky.

My new Star Trek book should be here today, though I'm not sure exactly when that will be; probably not until this afternoon. I'll probably begin reading it as soon as it arrives; that's the plan at least.

I've seen some pictures from the new Trek movie, and I like the costumes and actors, but the inside of the Enterprise looks rather different... But everyone who's seen the rough cut of the film seems pleased as punch with it, so maybe the story overcomes these details? I look forward to finding out.

Next year seems like a good movie year for me. Star Trek. Harry Potter 6. Watchmen. I'm sure there are more. But I can't remember the last time there were 2 movies I was excited about in advance like this.

I'm going back to bed. Mark leaves for work in about an hour. I won't have the internet until he gets home.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:58 AM
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My Trek book arrived today; I read the first 128 pages without even trying. There's a cool reference to upcoming events in the DS9 books, plus GARAK is in it! Yay!

Aside from that, today was mostly boring. I slept. I had all these strange dreams, with one involving an appearance in a live action version of Spyro... And other, slightly more sexy dreams. lol

I've been exchanging messages and phone calls with one of my nephews. It's cool, because I'm getting to know him as his own person instead of part of a unit, you know? I've experienced this with cousins of mine. It's cool.

I need to get dressed so Mark & I can go get some groceries. I might go to Necto tonight; I'm not sure. Everytime I want to go to the bar lately I fall asleep. lol.

We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:33 PM
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   Saturday, October 18, 2008

Mark & I went to get groceries last night; first at Hillards to get water, then Meijer for other stuff. Then we went to Hollywood Video to return some movies and trade barbs with the employees. We got food at Little Caesars on the way home, and watched Will & Grace while we ate.

After eating, I went to Necto. I had a good time. I saw a few friends and bar people (Brendan, Keevan, Scott, Becky, Travis, Calvin, Charles, Bobby, Nate, Vince, and others). I danced with Charles a few times. I danced with Brendan a few times. During the dancing with Brendan, I noticed this hot guy near us who wasn't dancing; just watching. I went up to him and asked if he was straight and he said no. I told that was good and he asked why, and I said because he was hot. He said I was hot too, and we smiled at each other. I wanted to finish the song with Brendan, and I kept looking at the hot guy - but I turned away for a minute and he disappeared! I was so disappointed; I wanted to get his name and number and stuff. Oh well. :-0( It bummed me out a lot. Brendan was cool about it though. Brendan is in an open relationship, and we've been attracted to each other for years, but I don't think the open relationship works for me. I went there with Jeremy, but I was in love with him, and even that wasn't for me. Ugh.

I'm tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:42 AM
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I woke up around 10am. I got a call from Janice about our dad. Apparently his phone has stopped working. I set up an appointment with him for Monday night. I chatted online for a bit; I might hang out with some people later. I read more of my book. I went hiking with Mark. I'll post pictures of that here later. It was a great hike and we both had fun. I might take a nap, or chat, or eat. lol. I'm undecided.

Tonight is 7 years since I met Sean Mobley at a Tori Amos concert in Detroit. I called him during our hike, but he was at work, having started his job. I need a job, now that school looks less and less likely thanks to my ongoing health drama. Mark says I should start selling stuff for him on e-bay, so that's probably what I'll be doing. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:02 PM
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   Monday, October 20, 2008

The truth about "Joe the Plumber". :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:40 PM
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   Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A lot of times when I read about McCain/Palin stupidity, it makes me laugh. Because a lot of the things that fly out of their mouths is so insane that it's giggle inducing. But not this. Not to me. There shouldn't ever be a threat to take away my civil rights. There should never even be a vote to take away my civil rights. It is wrong for a majority to take away a minority's rights. And to say that my civil rights aren't civil rights is just beyond revolting.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:00 PM
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   Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I haven't been writing in my blog the last few days. Not much has happened. Moments of joy, and moments of complete darkness. I'm having a down kind of day. No reason for it that I can see. I just feel very separate...very lonely.

I got a telephone call from my mother yesterday (I think it was), which is a rare thing, and we had a really nice chat. It made me smile. We talked about some of the things we say when we seen one another, but we also talked about my father, which usually puts her off, but she opened up about some things instead, which was really nice.

I went to Necto Monday night, and I had a really good time. Chatting with new friends (Amanda & her peeps), and dancing quite a bit. Bobby was there with a friend of his; hadn't seen him on a Monday night in ages.

I miss my job. I miss having money. But I think the part I miss most is going into work somewhere in which I knew what was expected of me and I was able to do it, while tapping my own knowledge and helping people. I was depended on, and appreciated. And I worked with friends, so I was always seeing people I cared about. I miss that. I don't think I'd be as down as I am now if I had that back...but it's just not possible.

After that disappointment, and then the school / health thing coming crashing down, it's no wonder I've been so down. Seeing Sean again didn't really help. I mean, it was great to see him, but it reminded me of things I want but don't have; things I've lost, and things I've never had.

I didn't read any of my book this weekend, so I read a lot of it yesterday, and some more today. I'm enjoying it.

I had a one night stand last night. I don't know how I feel about it. It was pretty much on my terms, and it was a no strings attached kind of thing. The guy was a gentleman. Gave me a full body massage, which really helped my tension levels. And I got off spectacularly... which is more than I can say for any other recent encounters. But usually when I do something like this, there's a feeling behind it - some connection I've made with the person that lets me know I won't regret it (in fact I'm usually energised by it) - this was different. It was more a surrendering of myself to needs that I don't usually acknowledge. I'll think about it some more I'm sure.

I had nightmares last night. I was fighting serial killers. And I was kicking ass, but I still woke up feeling frightened. And I felt old. I don't usually feel old. I usually feel sort of young and inexperienced. But the dream left me feeling ancient. And lately I've been thinking about death a lot. I know it's something that most people struggle with, but it's started to hit me right before I sleep; I'll be laying there and it will hit me that one day I'm going to stop breathing, and it seems overwhelming and terrible. Yet...I've never feared suicide. I'm starting to think that the helplessness; the not having a choice in the matter is what truly terrifies me. Or not. I don't know.

All this fear of death is bringing up memories of reading "The Vampire Lestat" (of all things) back in 1991. In the book Lestat, when human, realizes that he will one day die and is overwhelmed by this; far more than I have been. And his mother tells him something like he'll be fine, and that death is just spoiling life for a little while. And he goes off and he does (for the most part) put this out of his mind and enjoy life. My memory calls up this kind of stuff. I don't think I've ever reread that book, and it just pops into my head at random 17 years later.

I've got "Sugar" by Tori Amos (the live version from "To Venus and Back") blasting in my room. It seems to fit my mood for some reason. Like I'm clawing my way back to the surface of something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:45 PM
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   Thursday, October 23, 2008

I finished off the final 2 discs of Will & Grace Season 1. I tend to not laugh during the show as much as I did the first few times, but I did laugh a couple of times, so that was nice.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:16 AM
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Mark came into my room last night and cuddled for a little while. We talked, and then I watched still more Will & Grace. I slept well...or at least I slept for a long time. I don't remember my dreams. I watched more Will & Grace; I've now finished disc 1 of Season 2.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:54 PM
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So...my experiments with the pills that I CAN KEEP TAKING (also known as my Zombie Pills) have finally begun bearing fruit. I now take half a capsule of the stuff, anytime that I feel like symptoms are on the horizon and that amount of the drug takes care of the problem, with no sexual side effects that I've noticed. And the Zombie effect is muted to a large degree as well. So at least one thing is going right where my health is concerned! :-0)

The pills that I have to stop taking, are still working great, with no apparent side effects. My doctor recommended taking as few of the pills as possible and suggested that I try a few meals without them, which I've done. Sometimes that works ok, and other times it's just messy. But perhaps they're on to something, and my stomach is getting better at this sort of thing? I don't know. I'm feeling oddly hopeful today. Let's just hope that it's a long while before reality comes and smacks me down.

I was going to go for a walk, as I feel cooped up in the condo again, but my arms and legs feel kind of sored today, and I've no understanding as to why. Oh well.

I watched the latest episode of 'Pushing Daisies', which is always a fun time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:12 PM
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I'm nearly finished with my book, but I keep getting distracted by wacky thoughts. Nothing really important...just random things.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:28 PM
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I've watched another disc of 'Will & Grace', which means I'm half way through Season 2. I finished my Trek book and started reading the next Narnia book. I left off with 'Prince Caspian' months ago, so that means I have to read 'Voyage of the Dawn Treader'. I've started this book many times in the last 20 years or so, and never finished it. Perhaps this will be the time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:08 PM
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   Friday, October 24, 2008

I slept well. I read another chapter of 'Voyage of the Dawn Treader', and I'm already further into the book than I've ever made it before. I'd like to have read all the Narnia book by the end of the year, so just 2 more beyond this one. And I have other unfinished series that I've started this year, like 'Harry Potter', 'The Wicked Years', 'His Dark Materials' & the 'Destiny trilogy'. I don't know if I'll get to all of those before the year ends, but that would be cool if I did.

Mark, who is working a 3-11 shift, is getting ready for work. I'm gonna go spend a little time with him.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:47 PM
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The Trailer for Underworld: Rise of the Lycans has arrived. It's exactly what I hoped it would be, but I know it's gonna make me cry. I think Mollie might even like this one as it focuses on the only character she liked in the first one. January 23, 2009. Another 2009 movie I want to see. There's also "X-Men Origins: Wolverine", "Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince", "Terminator: Salvation", "Star Trek", 'Watchmen', and I know there are more that I'm forgetting. The only movie I was excited to see this year was 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince' which got moved back to next year, which left me with nothing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:08 PM
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My cousin Joy's party, which was meant to be tomorrow night, has been cancelled. She has a terrible cold, and doesn't want to pass it on to anyone. The party will be postponed. Oh well. I hope she feels better soon.

I read 2 more chapters.

I usually like rainy weather, but for some reason, today's cold rainy weather is bothering me. It feels a little too chill. I want to hibernate.

My stomach is feeling a little odd. Perhaps it's time to take another half Zombie capsule.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:25 PM
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I read more of my book.

I chatted with my nephew Jordan on Facebook.

I was thinking of sending Michael a friendly message to check in and see how he's doing, but his myspace profile (at least the one I had friended) appears to have been deleted or something. And I'm no longer listed as a friend on facebook. I guess that means we aren't friends anymore.

Oh. And there have been several rumors and lots of announcments suggesting that we'd be getting a new mini-episode of Doctor Who this November (as we did in 2005 & 2007), but this has turned out to be untrue. Instead, there will be a preview of 2 minutes of footage from this year's Christmas Special, which just sucks, as I'd rather just wath the whole thing this Christmas. This sucks. That's 1 less episode than I was hoping for, and we're already getting so few. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:57 PM
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   Saturday, October 25, 2008

I read more of my book.

I finished Season 2 of 'Will & Grace'.

Mark talked me into go to Necto, though I wasn't really sure about going. I kind of got in the mood eventually. I ran into my friend Karen and our friend Adam (who I briefly dated about 9 years ago), and Adam was beyond drunk. I saw Jeremy Merklinger, and he thanked me for a comment I made on his myspace page earlier this week. Other than that it kind of sucked. I didn't really feel like being there, and it seemed like everyone I saw was sick with a cold or something. I stayed for less than an hour and came home. I'm going to shower the germs away and continue the reading / watching.

I miss Ianto / Jack goodness. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:54 AM
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More reading; more 'Will & Grace'; more eating and sleeping. More Tori Amos. More stomach troubles. More feeling isolated.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:26 PM
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I don't know what this funk is, that I've found myself in...or how I'm to claw my way out of it. It doesn't seem as bad, and yet I'm still not out of the woods. I feel sort of worthless...and helpless. It's not a fun combination. I put a smile on for friends...and I'm glad to see them, and see what they're up to...but I feel like I'm in my own little bubble and nobody can really see me or get me out of it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:55 PM
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   Sunday, October 26, 2008

I slept well this morning, with many interesting dreams, filled with friends and family and strange creatures. I have 1 disc left in Season 3 of 'Will & Grace'. I finished 'The Voyage of the Dawn Treader', and will never read that book again; it's easily the least of the Narnia books so far; hopefully the final 2 volumes will be better.

I've been in a much better mood today; far better than anytime in last few weeks. Lately my room has felt like a cell, but today it felt like my home again. I hope this feeling lasts.

I'm doing laundry, and I picked up some of the clutter in my room. I ate, and my pill is making me sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:27 PM
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   Monday, October 27, 2008

The new Harry Potter 6 International Teaser is here! :-0)

I finished Season 3 of 'Will & Grace' and watched the first disc of Season 4.

I'm extremely tired, but it's so warm in my room I'm having trouble sleeping.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:20 AM
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I got some sleep. I had a horrifying nightmare featuring my father. I started reading Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix. Even though I've read it more than the other volumes, and it's my favorite in the series, and I reread it just last year, there are already many, many details that I'd forgotten. And the book differs from the movie so much, that even having that clearly in my minds eye doesn't ruin the book, which is really great (though I do love the movie as well).

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:58 PM
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   Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'm feeling a bit more relaxed. Yesterday I was beyond stressed, though I don't want to talk about why. I just watched the latest installment of 'True Blood' which continues to be my favorite show this season, though the cliffhanger endings are starting to annoy! lol.

I got the new Cure CD. Actually, I got the last 3 new cds. I have a lot of Cure to listen too. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:35 AM
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I keep having nightmares.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:58 AM
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I managed to get some sleep; no nightmares this time. Just road trips with mom, and barns carved out of stone. Don't ask.

I actually turned the heat on for a little while it was so cold in every room other than mine...but even with my vent closed my room is far too warm now. When I was younger I was so thin that I was always cold. I would suck up the heat anywhere I could get it. I still take really hot showers. But I'm mostly a chill loving guy these days.

I'm still loving the Harry Potter, though I'm not reading it nearly as fast as I have in the past; I was always so rushed before. I'm only about 100 pages into it now. Harry's hearing is about to start, which means that I'm celebrating my 21st birthday (it's set on August 12, 1995); just over 4 months before I met Mark. That birthday I shaved my legs, and wore a collar for my drivers licence picture, but on the way to the Secretary of State I ran out of gas and had to walk with a gas can that spilled gasoline on my newly shaved legs; it was very memorable. That's also the birthday that my friends bought me a drink at Nectarine (which I didn't get to drink) before I was taken to Paul's apartment by Jennifer & Elvis who claimed they were both in love with me. Getting back to HP, I guess that means I'm 6 years older than Harry, and if we'd gone to school together it would only have been for his first year. See how random things fill my brain?

I'm waiting for Mark to get home. I have an errand to run. Hopefully that goes well.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:58 PM
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Mark went with me on my errand, then we got Little Caesars and watched 'True Blood'. I'm sleepy now, from my pill. But I don't want to sleep. It's actually kind of chilly in my room, which is odd because the heat was just on, and it's always hot in my room. Maybe the neighbors aren't home and didn't leave their heat on?

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:35 PM
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   Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I stayed up last night reading, and watching more 'Will & Grace' Season 4. When I did get to sleep, I again slept really well, and had good dreams. Though there were some elements that have been in many of my dreams that freak me out. In many of my dreams, I dream of driving or being driven up to extreme heights, up impossibly steep hills. This always terrifies me. There's even a recurring expressway with this feature, that in my dreams I'm always trying to avoid. But for the most part it all went well.

I woke up coughing. Not a good sign. There was also an excess of phlegm. I took my pill and ate, which also didn't go well, as the pill came back up with the rest of my food. This does happen sometimes, but rarely now. I was trying to get ready to drive Mark to his dad's house (they're going on a trip together to see Mark's twin brother), but Mark thoughtfully requested that his father pick him up. Now I just need to get things under control...

Mark & his dad have just arrived. Mark is running around, and writing me a check for some money he owes me. Mark made sure to keep his distance, which I recommended, because if I do have 'the cold' then I don't want him to get ill. And...now they've just left. Mark will be back on Friday I think; on Halloween.

New pix from Harry Potter 6:

Narcissa Malfoy

Fenrir Greyback

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:22 PM
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It's just been confirmed that David Tennant (the 10th Doctor) is leaving Doctor Who after the 4 Doctor Who specials in 2009!

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:28 PM
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   Friday, October 31, 2008

Thursday was weird. I slept well. I had to take my half a zombie pill as it was that time again, but it must have been slightly larger than half as I was in heavy zombie territory. It was just strange.

Happy Halloween.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:31 AM
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