Sunday, February 7, 2010

Wednesday / Thursday were a bit rough with a bitchy Michael visiting...it was seriously not fun. It started when I found him looking for sex online, and went downhill from there. There were good moments, and inbetween moments, but it mostly had to do with Michael thinking I might be better off without him in my life, so he was trying to push me away...I think. It was weird. I did enjoy watching "The Plan" with him; much more enjoyable the 2nd time around. I got a lot more of the symbolism, which I shared with Mark after he watched it. As a movie it's kind of lame; as a special episode of the show it's pretty fucking cool.

Lots of stomach upset on Thursday-Saturday. Cutting a lot of the sugar out of my diet is not fun. Mix that with the randomness of eating and pill popping and add in my crazy emotional state of late and you have tummy troubles.

I visited Michael on Friday (after my productive plans for the day were quashed and I was awakened from dreams of Ian) to talk to him about us. We're not a couple, yet we're like a couple in that we're working on stuff and trying to get to a place where we can be a couple again. But I basically said that what I want is a guy that's faithful to me even when he desires others because he loves me so it means more with me... And he's not that guy right now. I also said that I didn't want him not having sex on my account, because I don't want to be hurting him by stopping him; I'd rather he were as happy as he can possibly be; I love him that much. He said I wasn't hurting him and he wasn't interested in sex with other people at the moment. That lasted about 24 hours.

I slept from about 1:30am to like 4pm. I took a muscle relaxant and just slept and slept and it was wonderful. I hopped online later and Michael was looking for sex again, very nearly hooking up with Dave even though I was told I could come over anytime that night and I had offered just before the Dave things went into overdrive. Ugh. Hello to the pain. I called him and talked it out, and later joined him for a Roseanne marathon, cuddles, some sexy time (which hurt my jaw, and hurt me on a level that I can't quite express here - I really miss sucking dick. It must sound silly but it's killing me.), and more cuddles...I left him asleep in his bed to go grocery shopping on my way home. He was back online looking again when I got hom. :-0( I'm not enough for him. Even with romantic cuddle time. Not sure what to think about that as I've been invited for a sleep over there tonight. Not sure about much right now.

Did the farm thing. I came home so I could eat, but the events of the night made that kind of impossible. Erg.

I still haven't watched the new Caprica or Spartacus. I did manage to watch an episode of LOST this week and the first episode of The Vampire Diaries - which was really weird because they've changed so much from the books.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:24 AM
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I slept. I spoke to Michael on the phone as he drove to work. I updated my Manhunt profile and responded to messages. I read more of the 2nd Abarat book; I read so slowly lately. I played my farm town game; I usually say I worked on it, but it's merely the illusion of work...a game disguised as work; it's not easy exactly, but it's not work. I watched the 3rd episode of Spartacus; it's getting better I think. I've still not watched Caprica...possibly saving it to watch with Michael...I'm not sure. My stomach feels a bit odd today...perhaps I've not had enough to eat? Or too much? I don't know. I had some chocolate in my room, which I got rid of. Trying to cut back on sugar / chocolate isn't easy, but I'm managing to show some restraint. I wonder if Mollie, Pat & Cara got the Whoniverse dvds I sent them? If my stomach settles I may work out today. Oh. And I'm starting to miss having money. I want to buy things. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:38 PM
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Showered. Shaved. Prepared. Packed. Ready for a night at Michael's. Starting to wonder if the 'dating' Michael thing is going to work or not. Maybe it will; he's hooked up with guys since we broke up and I seem to be ok with that, but it's not what I want for us...for me. And I could hook up for sure, but part of me feels like I'm betraying him if I do. It's on my mind.

That and god. Sex & god. Not what a Christian would think of as god I think; more like the universe...something like that.

Anyways.

I'm hungry.

Wonder what time Michael will be heading home from work? Maybe I could meet him at home?

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:56 PM
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   Monday, February 8, 2010

Made it out to Michael's last night before Michael did. Chilled. We ate and then camped out in his living room watching 'Charmed' (don't give me that look!) and 'Roseanne'. We had lots of conversation, and we had sex too (protected), which was healing in a lot of ways. Took a while to get to sleep.

My phone woke me up around 10am. Grandma telling me my little sister Jamie was in a car accident and was at Saint Jo's. Michael lives a few miles from there so I got dressed and went over to see her, not sure she'd be happy to see me, yet she seemed to be. Her husband was there. I went out to call Grandparents / Janice / Mark with an update and our grandparents showed up. Later I called our mother who hadn't been informed yet. Jamie has a fractured tibia and is in some pain; her car is totalled, but the accident wasn't her fault. She's staying with our grandparents for the next few days.

Came home. Called Michael with an update. Showered. Waiting for Mark to shower so we can go to this worker school thing ("No Worker Left Behind") so we can get info about possibly going to school for jobs in demand; but it's just an info run. I have to stop by Michael's and pick up my stuff, though I might see him later; possibly going to Necto tonight, though I'm not sure how I'll be feeling about that as I think I only got about 4 hours sleep.

About 'Charmed'. I want to watch it with Michael. It's something that he loves, and after the HORRIBLE pilot, the other episodes are...less terrible, and it's cute to see his reactions to them. It's not something I would have pursued on my own. I did notice they referenced a lesbian (Rosie O'Donnel) though the show is set in San Francisco and apparently never has a single gay character in the course of it's 8 seasons. Anyways, I'd like to view the whole series with him if I could; I think it could be a fun Michael / Jason thing.

Our relationship is very odd; Michael & I. We're basically in an open relationship, though we're not officially a couple...only I've never wanted to be in an open relationship as I find it hard to juggle men; it confuses me emotionally. And there are other things...like him hooking up hurts me, and if I hooked up and he knew about it, it would hurt him too. Isn't that fucked up? I don't know. More thoughts and conversations will surely follow.

I should go. I wish my comforter was here; I could take a nap.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:55 PM
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   Wednesday, February 10, 2010

So, continuing on Monday, Mark & I headed out to this 'No Worker Left Behind' place, where I thought we'd be collecting pamphlets and booklets and paperwork; information type stuff. I even asked why we didn't just get this from the website but Mark said there wasn't a lot of info there. When we got there, it was revealed to me that this would be a stand in line, wait for possibly long periods of time to chat with people and set it all up kind of deal - which my quickly emerging migrain / upset stomach was not allowing for...which I believe pissed off Mark, and possibly inspired him to drive like a crazy person, to the point that I feared for our lives (though in his defense, he wasn't the only person driving dangerously). I left him at the shell station near Michael's; walking the rest of the way as I didn't feel safe riding with him, and couldn't drive because of the pain in my head.

I went to Michael's; told him what was up, and took my pain killer, not really expecting Mark to join us, though he did. I ate and took one of my eating pills to help the Midrin do it's thing and was soon extremely sleepy. I passed out a few times while Mark & Michael watched the first Charlie's Angels movie. Later we all went to Target, Whole Foods and Kroger...the day improving dramatically. We dropped Mark off at the condo, and headed back to Michael's where we watched episode of Charmed and started another one before I passed out again, sleeping from around 7pm, to 11pm, and then until 4am. I did some online stuff and read my book a bit while I ate, eventually getting back to sleep for an hour or so before Michael rose at noon. We ate and showered and dressed. It had snowed, and continued to snow. Michael's belly was troubling him so I put my stuff in my car and warmed it up while I cleaned the snow off of Michael's, before we both left; me for him, and Michael to work (not realizing that he would be more than an hour early, as he didn't need to be there until 3pm).

The drive home was long and dull; driving 45 or so on the expressway. No accidents; everyone seemed to be driving responsibly. I made it home ok. I called Michael. We spoke for awhile. He called me again later to tell me that Tracy, his former neighbor, who'd lived across the street from him in Taylor (and who was the mother of two daughters whom I'd met in passing, and had taken in Jesse when Michael threw him out for not paying his rent) had died that morning in a car accident when she was struck by a dump truck, killing her instantly. The odd thing is, she apparently died on the expressway near where Michael lives now. So sad.

I later watched the latest episode of Caprica (1x03 "Reins of a Waterfall") which I enjoyed. Love the gay stuff. Love the avatar stuff. Love the possible apotheosis connection to Battlestar. Loved seeing a BSG actor (or two) in different roles on Caprica ["This has all happened before and will happen again"]. Having said that, the series is moving at a snails pace and would be (like BSG before it) better enjoyed in a massive DVD viewing IMO. Also, the ratings are going so well from what I hear, and I fear we'll only have 1 season of this amazing series!

I slept for a bit. Dreamt of childhood wanderings...and Caprica. I responded to messages on Manhunt; making a few friends on there I think. I worked on my farm. I spoke to Travis & Michael on the phone. I talked to Mark. Later, compared some BSG / Caprica stuff:

"Apotheosis was the beginning before the beginning" - The Hybrid from BSG: The Plan

And this from Caprica:

"My life is dedicated to serving Soldiers of The One. And the Zoe Graystone Avatar is gonna help the soldiers to serve the lord through apotheosis; do you deny that prophecy?" - Clarice to an unseen person.

"Not everyone shares your view of apotheosis." Unseen person to Clarice.

a·poth·e·o·sis
n. pl. a·poth·e·o·ses

1) Exaltation to divine rank or stature; deification.

2) Elevation to a preeminent or transcendent position; glorification: "Many observers have tried to attribute Warhol's current apotheosis to the subversive power of artistic vision" (Michiko Kakutani).

3) An exalted or glorified example: Their leader was the apotheosis of courage.

Hmmmmmm. ;-0)

Downloaded some tv stuff:

Being Human 2x05
Heroes 4x19 Brave New World (season finale)
Lost 6x03 What Kate Does
Ugly Betty 4x12 Blackout!
Ugly Betty 4x13 Chica and the Man

I've only seen the first 2 episodes of Being Human's 1st 6 episode season; Season 2 will be 8 episodes long. I've not watched Heroes since the start of Season 3 and don't care to; these are for Michael. I've figured out that I need to watch 5 episodes of LOST a week to be ready for the finale on May 23. I've not watched Ugly Betty since mid Season 3, but Season 4 will be the last and I have all the episodes I've not seen, so I might dive back into that sometime soon. Mollie might be interested in all of these.

Checked out the new AVP game, which comes out February 16. I wants it!

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:52 AM
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I watched some of the BSG miniseries this morning. It was neat to see all the stuff going on that only makes sense going back after watching everything else. I spoke to Michael. I slept. I had calming sexual dreams involving a road trip, sex with friendly strangers, and in the end, dressing in the outside summertime with clothes from my car; the clothes I wore the last time I slept with Michael before I learned the truth.

I woke up to find Michael on Manhunt, and gave him permission to look for a blowjob online; I even helped. I thought this all felt fine, though I was getting a terrible headache / jaw pain. When Michael's partner was on his way to Michael's apartment, I took a hot shower to try to dull the pain that the painkiller could not...and broke down crying. My jaw is broken...I'm broken. The little boy inside me knows I'm being punished for what I've done, even while the adult sees that this isn't so. He's laughing at me. And I fear I'm losing my mind...and that the only way to win such a battle is to die.

And the man I love was getting his cock sucked by someone who doesn't love him, while I cried in the shower, because I'd give anything to be sucking cock right now...and eating and laughing and singing and yawning without pain....crying because I know that with a moment's courage all my pain could stop. Weeping for feeling so horrible for wanting to die when it would hurt so many people that love me. Mark heard me and came inside and listened, and comforted, and held...

Still crying now. I lay in bed in the dark for awhile. Michael was supposed to text me when he was done. I was hoping to talk to him about my jaw and the mess I was feeling. Eventually I texted him, but he was fine, having forgotten me in his after orgasm rush; said he was relaxing in his 'alone time', which translates as he doesn't want to talk to me and he doesn't want to see me.

I keep drying the tears...and then they return.

And today is my grandmother's birthday.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:13 PM
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   Thursday, February 11, 2010

I spoke to Michael on the phone soon after the last entry, and again broke down crying. I had to let him go, but he was sweet. Later we argued (I found out Benjamin had texted him for sex that night, which he lamely turned down because of weather and stuff - and that Ben had his # because Michael texted him the night we broke up when he was pissed) and he hung up on me; twice. I got dressed and went to his apartment where things were more relaxed. I tried to eat, but our conversation upset my stomach. He tried to help with my headache, massaging my neck. We eventually had a relaxing and healing kind of sexual encounter. We watched Roseanne. My head was still killing me, but the 5th (and final dose allowed in 24 hours) midrin did the trick and my headache was gone. Michael went to sleep, but I was wide awake. I was gonna leave around 4:30, but Michael asked me to stay longer. I left around 6am. I got home ok, chatted with Mark briefly, sent some messages, and then chatted online with Paul about our ex-bfs, BSG / Caprica, and the horrors of my jaw injury. It was nice.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:33 AM
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My farm should be ready to harvest fairly soon. Chatted a bit with Jay & Bradlee. I'm sleepy. I'll hopefully get some rest today. Yesterday was super stressful / painful, and I'd rather today not be more of the same.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:38 AM
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Slept a bit. Did the farm thing. Got a sweet voicemail from Michael. Wanked. Showered. Ate. Read an interview with Sam Adama himself, Sasha Roiz; he seems really cool. I love that we have another gay / bi male character in sci-fi. Who else have we had? Louis Hoshi & Felix Gaeta (BSG), Pretty much every male character on Torchwood, and several sprinkled throughout Doctor Who - but I'm liking the Sam Adama thing A LOT and hope the show lasts more than a season; but even if it doesn't, it's pretty wonderful so far. Also read some BS about Caprica bringing in some BSG storylines involving The Final Five and the Lucy Lawless model (#3), which make no sense whatsoever, so I suspect they're just flat out lies, though if they could find some way to incorporate more BSG themed stuff I love that kind of crossover appeal - plus, some flashforwards to the First Cylon War would be nice.

I really didn't sleep that long and will probably take a nap soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:48 PM
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I missed another call from Michael; he left me a worried voicemail, to which I texted a response not to worry and that everything was ok.

I found an episode list for Caprica 1.0:

1x01 Caprica (Pilot Episode)
1x02 Rebirth
1x03 The Reins of a Waterfall
1x04 Gravedancing 02/19
1x05 There is Another Sky 02/26
1x06 Know Thy Enemy 03/05
1x07 The Imperfections of Memory 03/12
1x08 Ghosts in the Machine 03/19
1x09 End of Line 03/26

Cool. The last title was something that Sam Anders as Galactica Hybrid said several times.

It's also rumored that the new season of Doctor Who will begin airing April 3, which if true, means Doctor Who will pick up just 8 days after the mid-season-finale of Caprica. Nice. Caprica 1.5 is rumored to begin airing in October.

Starting to consider working on my DCAU page, which I've left untouched since the revelation that Michal cheated on me (September 7, 2009).

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:17 PM
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My belly is a bit upset.

Listening to the new Sade.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:15 PM
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   Friday, February 12, 2010

Belly feels better, though I just ate so I'm trying to be all calm and stuff. I watched episode 2 of the Vampire Diaries. I left Michael a voicemail. Might watch some Smallville, or read. I feel good being on my own today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:31 AM
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Spoke to Michael on his way home from work, then took a nap. Feel a bit out of it now. Not sure what I'll get up to.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:53 AM
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Michael called. We ended up having a very emotional conversation...about me moving on and him not wanting to lose me...and I was very honest and upfront, and didn't cry, and it didn't feel good exactly, but it felt necessary. He eventually hung up on me, crying and saying he loved me and that he's sorry. I don't want to lose him either. I really don't. But I don't want to be hurting all the time, and I don't want to be the obsessive crazy person I've been for the last 5 months.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:53 AM
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Michael and I spoke again a bit later. Another amazing conversation, yet it ended with him asking me to be his boyfriend again, and hanging up. I told him no. Not because I don't love him, because I do. Not because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, because I do. But because nothing has changed. He said that if I was around him more than he wouldn't get the alone feeling and act out by fucking other guys...but I can't be wondering what he's doing all the time when I'm not around. I did that for 4.5 months and it was hell. But I love him, and will do whatever I can to make our lives easier. If he'll go to therapy that would be something that would convince me to be with him again. I told him so, and he hung up on me.

I'm planning on going to his apartment in a bit to cuddle with him, and reassure him that while nothing has changed for the better to allow us to be a couple again, nothing has changed for the worse and we don't need to lose the relationship we've been developing the last few weeks. Does that make me weak? I don't know.

I'm mixing a cd now for the car.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:15 AM
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   Saturday, February 13, 2010

After the last entry I drove over to Michael's and quietly slipped into bed with him. He sleepily asked me why I was there, and I explained that while I turned down his offer to be boyfriends again because nothing has changed, that I was there for the very same reason: nothing has changed. I still love him. I still hope for a future together. I still want to spend time with him. Nothing has changed. Only it has, because he's been a bit distant since then. And while he hasn't been cruel, he's just been different. He left that afternoon around 2:30pm, with me following soon after. I left him a note that said I Love You. I drove home, stopping at Kroger for some groceries. I ate. I slept. I didn't go to the bar as I suspected I would. I talked to Michael on the phone later and that was slightly better until I got a text from a guy I've been chatting with, which I think upset Michael, as he no longer felt like talking. Later I talked to the other guy (Jason is his name) on the phone. He's nice. He's 31; he got outed last year, though he's been comfortable with who he is for a few years. He has 2 brothers; older and younger; I think both have kids. His parents are both pastors. He works at a hospital. It was just a nice, friendly conversation...something that shouldn't be anything at all, only I did feel slightly guilty afterward; like I had betrayed Michael somehow - which given all the men he's stuck his dick inside of since he met me, is insane! Yet it was there. I spazzed and called him and told him about the guy and told him I loved him, but he didn't feel like talking so I let him go.

I spent Saturday morning catching up on Smallville, watching 7 hours of the mostly fantastic 9th Season. Smallville is a strange show in that it's entertaining, and I enjoy it, and yet I have a hard time recommending it to anyone, as it's kind of stupid at the same time. It's not like that all the time; sometimes it's really, really enjoyable, but you have to put up with a lot to get to those points. I remember Season 5 feeling a bit weak, but then the show was much improved in Season 6. Season 7 was nearly unbearably bad in my opinion, and though I kept watching, I hoped that it would be cancelled. But then Season 8 was my favorite so far (despite it having a really disappointing finale), and Season 9 has (mostly) continued the greatness of Season 8 IMO; even taking storylines I disliked in the past (Zod) and giving them a fresh spin - and introducing still more DC superheroes and making them work. It's been a great run, but I'm hoping they get a 10th Season; the story calls for it.

I slept. I woke up around 2pm and called Michael who was on his way to work; he usually calls me around then, but was busy thinking of how to talk to his boss about a transfer; I let him go, but he seemed so distant again; I hope he's ok. I had some really cool, really odd, really sexual, yet amusing dreams, about going to church with some friends (and a cathedral in the Meijer parking lot) before spending time at the home of friends, who offered me gay porn in sweet Mary Poppins like tones. lol. It was funny, and I woke up cheered by the thoughts. I farmed. I texted Michael & Jason (the latter having texted while I was asleep). I wrote this and texted some more. I spoke to Mark briefly and took my prilosec. I'm gonna eat, and shower and shave. I might get Michael a card / rose and take it with me to his apartment tonight (he's my valentine), when I take him the latest bill for my bite guard, and his latest (2) tv discs which feature new (or new-to-him) episodes of Heroes, Lost, Pushing Daisies, Smallville, Spartacus & Vampire Diaries.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:01 PM
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I watched the latest (extremely violent) episode of Spartacus (1x04 "The Thing in the Pit"), which included some man on man fucking. It was nice that it was included, and nicer when the annoying gay gladiator said something nice about the hero of the show, and his young lover demonstrated that's he's hot for Spartacus. I showered, but didn't shave as I ran out of hot water fairly quickly; I'll have to shave later. I burned one of Michael's new tv discs; 1 more to go. I'm harvesting and planting my farm, then I'll start the next disc, and then I may read a bit before shaving? Not sure.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:42 PM
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My Great Uncle George, my Grandmother's brother-in-law was taken to the VA Hospital not that long ago, suffering some paralysis. Hopefully he'll be ok. I'll try to visit him tomorrow. He's always been extremely kind to me, and has always had a big smile on his face. ;-0)

Here is the new We Are The World video:

Wow.

I need to shave and burn that 2nd disc; get moving.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:29 PM
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