Sunday, July 11, 2010

Shortly after the last entry the pain intensified until I thought I was dying. Mark took me to the E.R. - I was hyperventilating and the pain was so intense I began vomiting; not the usual gastroparesis stuff - huge, heaving, painful lunges. I got myself calmed down. They got me a bed and got me on pain killer pretty quick but the first dose of morphine didn't do much; the 2nd was heaven. They thought I had a pendicitis but it was a kidney stone after all. Michael came but didn't stay long I don't think; I told him he could go - I was very out of it. They gave me meds to help me pee (flomax) and pain killer (Tylenol 3) for when it gets bad. Came home. Slept almost all of Friday. Lots of fluids. Water. Gatorade. Cranberry juice. Shakes.

Saturday. I started getting back into my DS9 book and also started watching the 2nd Season of Six Feet Under; I have the complete series set but have only seen the first 1.5 seasons I think.

Mark & Michael went to a party. Michael looked hot and we had our pictures taken before they left (though I looked horrible). Later when they returned home I was asleep. I asked Michael to stay but he chose not to. He went home and started looking at sex hookups on line "cause he was bored" which I don't believe for a second. He was looking for sex. That was the final nail in the coffin. I called him and told him I knew what was going on; that I didn't trust him...but that I loved him. He said he was confused about a lot of stuff and we agreed to break up. Mark drove me out there and we took the spyware off his computer and parted on good terms...as friends, with him letting me keep the keys to his place and me giving him one to mine. Sounds weird, I'm sure. I was sad but ok.

Later I went to Facebook and changed my relationship status to single. I went to Manhunt to update my profile and Michael was there looking for sex, though he'd just told me he was only on yahoo and watching Trek before bed. This hurt. I sent him a message saying I wasn't shocked and that I hoped he played safe. But I was shocked a bit...I couldn't stop shaking or crying. He didn't have to lie about what he was doing now...yet he still was. Maybe that sort of thing just takes time, or now that we're not a couple I have even less right to know what he's doing...but I don't see how lies are necessary.

Jamie from Virginia, who I've met twice, saw my new status on Facebook and called me; talking to me about boys, Michael, Justice League, Slash and such while I got the worst of the shaking and crying under control. She was nearly crying for me.

I'm left feeling nothing. It had to end, I suspect. He hurt me so much. But I cherish his friendship and the many fun times we've had...and would like for that part of our relationship to continue. We both want that in fact. I hope we can get that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:42 AM
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I'm so fuckin sad right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:18 AM
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Can't sleep. Feeling lonely.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:16 AM
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Feeling slightly better. Michael says I'm his best friend.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:20 PM
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   Monday, July 12, 2010

Cried for like an hour and a half in Mark's room. I'd seriously be dead if he wasn't here. So much emotion is pouring through me. So much pain. It's hard to hang in there, but I'm trying. Michael's moving on though. I should do the same.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:59 AM
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   Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Monday was rough.

Cuddled with Mark in his room, then we slept and cuddled in mine. He's holding me here in the world. I have crazy thoughts and phases where I feel ugly, unwanted, broken, destroyed...and then I have moments where I'm ok. The fact that I still have a kidney stone working it's way out of me and pain in my jaw and my ass and trouble keeping food down and everything else - it's all just a little hard to take right now.

I'm trying to hold onto the fact that I've not lost Michael completely. Our relationship just changed. In fact in basically just changed into what it already was and I've just never been able to accept. I need to live and let him live and we'll be there for each other in any other matter.

I feel ok right now. Not great. Not terrible. But my mood changes pretty quickly lately.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:10 AM
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Starting to feel sad again, but I was feeling pretty good for a few hours and that's progress.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:38 AM
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I was doing pretty well. I planted my Farm Town. It's not much and it's a silly game, but it's routine and familiar and I was actually enjoying it so I'm calling that a win. Later I watched the new episode of True Blood and I was fine until there was A) a scene in a club where an action took place that reminded me of something I used to do with Michael...and B) there was a brutal breakup. True Blood is a fantastic show but it's very dark right now and not what I need - though I do cheer everytime Bill is mean to his bitch maker.

Anyways...I was crying and Michael called on his way to work, like he's done for over a year now. He wants to spend the night here Wednesday to talk and cuddle. I want to see him. I want to spend time with him. And I want it to be alright, but this may be too soon. I know it upset me. I cried pretty hard and the food I ate came back up (which it hasn't been doing for over a week).

I've been talking to boys online. Not looking for sex or dates...just cause I'm lonely. I talked to one guy on the phone, who's been hitting on me for years, but he turned out to be so horrible that I had to block his number from my phone! He was racist...sexist and trans-gender-phobic. Everything he said just made it worse. I also talked to this other guy (Carter) who's older and has also been after me for a long while, but he was stoned on the phone which I found kind of rude and off-putting, even though I've smoked pot; people that have to smoke pot all the time strike me as kind of pathetic. Maybe I'm being too harsh? I don't hate those people...I just don't want to be around them all the time.

This boy that I've liked for years sent me a message online asking how I'm doing. I replied. It would be nice to meet him in person after so many years of random exchanges...but maybe he'll be a dick too. I just want to have some new people in my life. I don't get out much. I don't have a job where I get to interact with people and it's really getting to me. This guy's profile mentioned something that he likes that I actually love too. I shared it with Michael recently...and I'd really like to do this again soon (it's not sexual). It made me like this guy even more...though I don't know him well.

Yet another boy (Jeff) asked me out and wants to meet me. I told him I'm not looking for sex or a date but I'd be up for meeting him and hanging out. Just chilling. I told him about my kidney stone and other problems and he wasn't a dick about that so maybe he could be a friend...I don't know.

I just want to get to a place where I feel sane; where I'm confident in myself again, like I used to be. Where my voice doesn't sound funky because I'm crying every 6 hours. And if I could lose this kidney stone and these stubborn hemorrhoids in the process that would be great.

I must add here that while there is much weirdness between Michael and I right now - and it will take time to get through and work out - he's being pretty nice, when other men have treated me far worse in an aftermath like this. He hurt me a lot and may do so in the future but there's love there too. I just have to find something of that in myself to be happy I think, and then I'll be able to accept it from Michael and not be hurt by it.

Also, Mark has been AMAZING. He listens. He holds me when I cry. He reassures me. He doesn't judge me. He cuddles. He & I haven't always gotten along, but in the last week Mark has been there for me on every level that I've needed. THANK YOU!

I should watch more 'Six Feet Under'. I have the season premiere of 'The Closer' to watch too. I'd like to take a walk; start getting some more exercise...yet I'm not sure I'm ready to venture outside yet.

I don't know if I mentioned this or not but my doctor perscribed Xanax to me last week for stress. I like that I have it, yet I'm afraid to use it as it's habit forming. It probably saved me from falling to pieces the night I broke up with Michael though. I have so much stress right now...and I have these awful panic attacks...I guess I'm lucky to have them, but I have so many drugs now it's crazy!

I miss Mollie. I miss Jennifer and Chris & Bryan and everyone from Hollywood. But I miss Mollie most of all.

Oh. There's confirmed news about this year's Doctor Who Christmas Special (which begins filming today). It's not much, but Michael Gambon (Dumbledor) & Katherine Jenkins (a Welsh Opera star) will be in it! Steven Moffat, who's writing the special, had this to say:

"Oh, we're going for broke with this one. It's all your favourite Christmas movies at once, in an hour, with monsters and the Doctor and a honeymoon and – oh, you'll see. I've honestly never been so excited about writing anything. I was laughing madly as I typed along to Christmas songs in April. My neighbours loved it so much they all moved away and set up a website demanding my execution. But I'm fairly sure they did it ironically."

Controller of BBC Drama Commissioning, Ben Stephenson:

"Doctor Who’s clever twist on the much loved A Christmas Carol will thrill BBC One viewers this year"

So that's news. I hope the Special builds on the momentum of the final 4 stories and gives us something special. I'm looking forward to next season and hoping it will be better. I'm VERY excited about this season of Sarah Jane which sounds very good. And in about a year (maybe a little less) we'll have 10 more episodes of Torchwood.

So...'Predators' didn't do that great in theaters, coming in 3rd place (after 'Despicable Me' & 'Twilight: Eclipse') and I've heard mixed reviews, though thankfully everyone is saying it's an improvement over the last (dreadful) installment (AVP:R). I've also heard that the awesome shot from the trailer in which Adrian Brody's character is targeted by like 10 Predators isn't in the movie - or that it is but he's only targeted by one, which pisses me off as it's this incredibly cool scene in the trailer that was never in the movie! Erg. The movie might still be good though, and I hope to see it at some point.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:42 AM
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Just had a strange and disconcerting chat with an 'old friend'. I may have to write a long entry about this later and why it was disconcerting. It's something that rather intense and I'm not sure how well I come off in it...though my friend Paul once told me that he thought I was amazing in my response to the situation...so maybe I am. But a whole FUCKED UP kind of amazing. FUCKED UP. That's what the last 10 months have been. There's been joy and pleasure and fun and games but there's been game playing and charades and lies and secrets...and that shit has to stop or the roles need to be changed or I'm just not gonna survive. I played my part for several reasons...exploring limits and sexual permutations that I'd only dreamt of previously...yet it's left me feeling uncertain without many conclusions. It may take me years to process all that's happened. Was it worth it? Some of it was, I think. I think it wasn't the healthiest choice, yet I gained much for my sorrow and pain.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:08 PM
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Still awake. Watched 'The Closer'. Have a bit of a headache.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:47 PM
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Still awake. Spent a lot of time on Facebook. Read some of my book. Ate a little. I need some more FOOD. Might read some more until I sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:16 PM
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   Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Read a bit after the last entry then slept until around 11:30pm. I got up. Called a friend (Jeff) and he was at a bar downtown. I got a voicemail from my sister Janice and called her back and we talked and it was nice. We're planning on visiting our father 2 weeks from tomorrow. I went to meet Jeff at the club but didn't tell him I was coming and he left...but My friend Jon was there and I met his friend Shawn who cheered me up with his conversation. It was nice to be out and talking. It wasn't sexual or flirty...it was just very nice, and I didn't hurt mentally or physically for a few hours which was nice. There were other old friends there and it was a good time.

Came home. Chatted with Mark. Harvested and plowed my farm. Read some stuff. Chilling now. Probably go back to sleep.

No progress on my kidney stone. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:34 AM
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I didn't go back to sleep. I played online. I jacked off / showered. I took my prilosec. Had some cranberry juice. Did the dishes. Scrubbed the cabinets / fridge / sink in the kitchen; filled the soap dispenser. On my 2nd load of laundry. I'm tired but I have energy...and I hate to waste it.

I'd like to get groceries this morning. I'm trying to be excited about food again. Not sure I can in my current condition but I'm so fucking sick of toast and shakes which has been the basis of my diet since my jaw locked in November. If my life is going to change painfully, I want to make sure it's worth it and not waste the time I have.

This isn't stopping me from crying. I feel better, yet feel like I've lost something I might not have ever had. I don't regret the time I spent with Michael; I know at heart he's a good person and that I gave my all and can be proud of that...though I did go a bit crazy between October and now, but I think that's understandable given the stress and pain and fear and desperation I've been feeling.

There is something going on in my brain that I'm not sure is a good or bad thing. It's kind of crazy and might not be healthy; I'm not sure. Maybe it's my way of coping? I don't know. All I know is that I've been seriously fucked up since I learned the truth about Michael cheating back in September. I know I want to get back to how I felt before that...and I think I can do it. I think I can. It's just the physical crap (stomach / jaw) getting in my way right now and if my struggling with some dark thoughts, that's pretty normal isn't it?

Just wish me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:10 AM
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Talked to Michael on the phone on his way to work; he was having chest pains; I hope he's ok. Later I played a game. I read the news. I did more laundry. Chatted a bit. Talked to Mark when he got up to help his family move some stuff (he should be back around 6pm) - he was pleased with the cleaning I'd done in the kitchen. I'm still doing laundry though I'm getting tired now. I was having some acid issues so I took a zantac. I'd really like to go to Whole Foods later but I'm not sure I'll be awake. Michael is planning on coming over after work to stay the night...for conversation and cuddles...I think I'm ok with that now. We'll see.

I need to hang my clothes up. Maybe I'll read a bit when I'm finished.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:28 AM
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Hung my clothes up. Brought another load to my room. Put more in the washer and dryer. I got some new mashups. All was going well but then my stomach freaked out. I'm trying very hard to not let it get to me. I took a lavender Epsom Salt soak to relax...concentrated on my breathing. Think I'm handling things well today in spite of my stomach being horrible.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:34 PM
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Ok. New disgustingness. Is that a word? If not, it should be because it totally applys. I have painful, slimey (yet oddly pretty) green diarrhea. Ick. Ouch. I read up on it (here & here) and sources say not to worry about it as all kinds of things can cause green stool, including diarrhea. So can some medications, though they didn't list them. I hope all is well and that it's just my crazy system causing this. If it continues for more than a day or two I'll call a nurse at my doc's office.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:58 PM
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I just had an idea for a poem. Something healing and whimsical, yet I'm not sure I have the strength to write it. This doesn't bother me...the idea of the poem is enough.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:23 PM
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Was tired so slept for a bit. Up now, though still tired. I should have gotten groceries...but I was so exhausted. Michael is home, getting ready to come here. He's called several times and I get this odd feeling that he'd like to cancel; probably got an offer from some guy. But if he has he's not telling me...so he's coming over.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:12 PM
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   Thursday, July 15, 2010

Michael arrived around 8:32pm. He wasn't here for long before I got dressed and we went to Whole Foods. Got some good stuff I think; got a few things I've never had; really hoping to keep up with trying new things, though my body is freaking out. We had a good conversation about us and where we are and why and how and how it will affect us. We stopped at McDonalds on the way home for more food for Michael (who also got some food at Whole Foods), and then came back here. Michael ate. I put away groceries and sorted some more laundry. We talked some more. Michael wanted to go to sleep. I took some meds, planted my Farm Town and then joined him. It was nice, only Michael was horny and I turned him down; letting him know that he could jack off if he wanted to and that I wasn't ruling out future sexual encounters with him but that for now it was just too soon; he said he understood and he agreed, and we tickled and wrestled like little kids and talked some more. He started feeling bad about how he had treated me...telling me that he feels bad when he's around me because of what he's done and that he had to go; that it was too soon. He also promised that he wasn't leaving to hook up with someone else but he needed to go. He left around 12:30am I think. I was sad to see him go, but did manage to get some sleep. Seeing Michael again was many things, but in the end I enjoyed seeing him and I'm worried what this will mean for us.

I'd like to note that while I was emotional a few time while hanging with Michael, at no time did I explode to the point that I was ill or shakey - I think I handled myself really well and I'm proud of that. I even confessed some stuff that was really hard for me.

At 12:48AM Michael texted me:

"I just don't deserve anything good in my life right now."

Worried. For him. What he did to me was horrible, but I still love him. I think the breakup was exactly the right thing to do, and that it may help us as people (even though it's difficult).

I woke up at 2:20am and got the above text from Michael then as I'd shut my phone off earlier because I was getting a call from Jeff while with Michael and I didn't want to be rude to Michael. Michael asked me questions about Jeff and I answered them; I asked if me going out bothered him and he said that it did a little but it was something he'd have to get over and work on, just as I was doing with the knowledge that he's been hooking up again; I guess he got a massage from some guy the other day and Michael said the guy sucked and he misses me doing it. He also said he has plans to go swimming with a guy on Saturday at some time. I feel like this should bother me, yet it currently doesn't.

So, back to the disgustingness of my bowels. Not green anymore. But I'm back to having HORRIBLE gas. Like, I have these HUGE farts that just happen again and again, which has been going on for a few weeks, yet my diet hasn't changed. My doctor told me that it was food related and that the 5 groups that usually cause gas are: Milk, Beer, Beans, Garlic & I don't remember the last one. I don't drink Milk or Beer; I've not had beans since 1995; I sometimes have garlic, and though I can't remember the other item on the list, I remember it was something that I don't eat...some kind of meat maybe? Anyways...I think something is seriously wrong in my ass and not sure what to do next, as my doctor seemed to dismiss it pretty quickly. I do have an appointment with him on the 29th...perhaps it will clear up by then? Yet I've no idea what's going on in there and it's freaking me out.

It's freezing in my room. I'm gonna adjust the air, check on my laundry, and maybe call Michael to see if he's ok.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:43 AM
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I talked to Mark after the last entry and got some more laundry started. Then I called and left a voicemail on Michael's phone. I also tried vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips, which are awesome! Then I slept for about 4 hours. I woke up from a dream that I was involved in the filming of Top Gun and that Tom Cruise was fired from the movie for being a dick and we had to kind of wrap the story around the footage we already had that's how we came up with - but managed to make a hit movie none-the-less. Funny.

I'm thinking of starting to keep a journal on what I eat and when. That doesn't sound like a big deal, but for someone who's had food issues for 1 reason or another it's very daunting.

I stopped writing this entry for like 40 minutes to write on Facebook. LOL

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:05 AM
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Doing more laundry. Working on my Farm Town. Just saw the first glimpse at the Green Lantern costume for the movie; looks good I think. Thor costumes looks a bit odd (which I also saw) - though Anthony Hopkins makes a good Odin. Supergirl & Pa Kent will return in the final season of Smallville. It's always good to see familiar faces back in the final stretch, and though I wasn't a huge Supergirl fan I think they could wrap up her story with this appearance. I wonder what other characters will be popping up this season? It's also rumored that the main villain, or one of them is Darkseid (& Granny Goodness). I hope the series ends well; I think it probably will; they know what their fans want.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:39 AM
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I'm about to put my last load of clothes in the washer. I have a load in the dryer. I want to eat a sandwhich today. I want to read my book at some point today, and watch at least 1 episode of "Six Feet Under" (I watched 2x05 "The Invisible Woman" yesterday); I'm really glad I bought this DVD collection when I had the chance. I'd also like to get out of the condo today, and I might have something resembling a date tonight (with Jeff), though that hasn't been confirmed.

Some good news!

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:36 AM
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I just had my sandwhich. Yum. Hope it doesn't upset my stomach. It was just a tofu dog with vegan cheese & a slice of whole wheat bread wrapped around it. I'm sipping a High Protein Boost now. Still have clothes in the washer and dryer, but I'm getting there.

Slightly stressed about an upcoming MRI appointment. What if my insurance doesn't cover it? I'll call once my stomach settles to try to sort that out.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:32 PM
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Dude. I've been thinking all day that it's FRIDAY! lol. Wow. Ok. A little less stressed now. So far, no tummy troubles.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:42 PM
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Worked on my farm some more. Finished my boost. Starting to get a headache. Might take something and take a nap.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:21 PM
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Whoa. My nap became actual sleeping, but I feel really good so no worries. Rest is good, and I've had such a horrible time sleeping lately. I'm calling it a win. Ooh. There are comments on my blog!

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:10 PM
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Just after the last entry, Mark wanted to run to Borders so off we went! I bought 2 magazines; 1 for some AMAZING pictures, including 2 of Michael Jackson (which I thought was impossible) - and a Star Trek magazine that has really cool previews of upcoming Trek books. We also went to Kroger, Little Caesars (where I had 1 stick of crazy bread and some sips of pepsi) and then Meijer for more Epsom Salt...and deoderant. Ran into my old pal Will (who've made out with before) and his roomie? bf? Not sure. And I don't remember his name. I suck at names. It was good to get out of the condo and spend time with Mark.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:34 PM
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   Friday, July 16, 2010

I talked to Jeff on the phone for about a half hour; I'll probably be seeing him tomorrow night. Not sure what he's looking for, but I'm trying to not expect anything, and just take whatever comes my way in a light-hearted kind of way. Just be chill, not taking it too seriously, while not being afraid of anything. I'll take the good and skip right over the bad. Sounds like a plan to me. ;-0)

Apparently, when I made my sandwhich this morning and grated the cheese up and put it in a bowl...I left it out and it's now ruined! Ugh! I'm disappointed by my own thoughtlessness! Oh well...at least I had that sandwich. I'll get some more cheese as soon as I can make it out to Whole Foods.

Michael Eisinger commented on my blog earler and I want to call him, but I'm not sure he's awake this time of night. Plus, Michael Slaughter is going to be calling me soon on his way home from work and I don't want - oh - he's calling now. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:24 AM
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Talked with Michael S. while he drove home and started dishes. Slept for like 5 minutes. The drug to help me pee is said to make you dizzy when you stand up too fast and boy does it ever! Speaking of that, I've had no pain in my peen for like 3 days and no signs whatsoever of the kidney stone. I have no clue what's going on there, but I'm not complaining. Also, I'm not as gassy today, and my hemmorhoids are noticeably improved - I hope it lasts.

Just read some TORCHWOOD news! They're casting the new characters for the 10 episode series. Michael Ausiello had this to say:

"I’ve gathered on the new season (airing on my new favorite cable network, Starz), the show is out to cast a new series regular — Rex Matheson, a wickedly funny (operative word: wicked) CIA agent born to make waves. Almost as key to the new season are recurring characters Esther Katusi, a CIA grunt in her early 20s who learns what she’s really made of only when she’s forced to, and Oswald Jones, a convicted murderer and pedophile who will be as shocked as anyone to learn how easily infamy and fame can be exchanged for one another."

TV Guide seems to make clear that the pedophile is the villain of the piece:

"And Starz's new season of Torchwood is shaping up with the search for one series regular and two supporting roles. Rex Matheson is a white, twenty-something CIA agent who sounds sort of like FX's animated Archer spy: a fearless, cocky thrill seeker. Recurring characters include Esther Katusi, a newbie Watch Analyst in the CIA who is deeply (and secretly) in love with Rex. And Oswald Jones is the dangerous psychotic villain. He's a forty-something murderer and pedophile who gets sprung from the slammer into the spotlight. Rex — catch this sicko!"

John Barrowman has been quoted as saying the series will begin filming in January and will air sometime next year. ;-0) Squee!

There's been more casting news for the fast-tracked upcoming X-Men prequel "X-Men: First Class", which sounds like a possible reboot, but still may be an in-continuity prequel to the previous X-Men trilogy, and sequel to X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Filming on Wolverine 2 is rumored to begin in January 2011. And there is also work on a Deadpool movie starring Ryan Reynolds, who played the character in the first Wolverine movie - but it's been said that even with the same actor in the role, the movie might be in a separate continuity - which I think is kind of sad. There are ways of making that movie in-continuity, without keeping the changes to the character in that film. There's also early talk of an 'X-Men 4' which is the one I'd really love to see, but I'm glad we're getting movies at all.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:10 AM
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Went to Michael's to return some stuff he left here. I didn't call because he said it was fine if I stop by AND that he wasn't planning on having sex with anyone for at least a few days. When I got there he was walking out with Dave, one of the guys he cheated on me with. I knew right away they'd just fucked and I went back to my car without being noticed. I sat there while I calmed down then went inside. Michael was on the phone with a mutual friend who was having a rough and apparently drunken night. I told Michael what I saw and he told me they did have sex but that it wasn't planned and...it was weird but I wasn't upset. I was a bit worried that they might have had unprotected sex because Michael used to do that with Dave, and Michael had told me the other day that this had changed thanks to my example...but he told me that they had used protection and I was proud of him. We talked the weirdness away; I love him, though it's weird to have such a full frontal friendship with someone who was my boyfriend less than a week ago. Crazy. I stayed and cuddled for a bit, but didn't feel like sleeping so came home.

I had a light snack. I might have some fruit in a bit. I might take a bath. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:13 AM
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I'm still awake. Don't know where all the time went. I ate a few times; had some mixed fruit and later a sandwich. I wrote some e-mail and comments on Facebook. I watched 2 episodes of 'Six Feet Under'. I talked to Michael on his way to work. But I need to sleep now so I can hit Necto tonight (to see this Jeff person).

Sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:06 PM
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   Saturday, July 17, 2010

So...after the last entry I went to bed with a headache and some Midrin, and woke up around 5 hours later. It was 11:30pm I think. I hurredly showered and got ready for my 'date' that I was meeting at Necto. Before I left I sent an e-mail to Shawn, letting him know that I wished he'd be there (cause he's awesome) and I texted Jeff to let him know I'd be there soon. When I arrived I texted him letting him know exactly where I was and what I was wearing so he could come find me, and he responded that he was in the red room. No other info than that. Not a good start. I left my hat & jacket in the lighting booth, got a drink, and headed downstairs; I texted him letting him know where I was downstairs but he didn't respond. I danced. He still hadn't responded and this guy asked me to dance which we did...it was fun and sexy. Later we went upstairs and talked a lot. His name is Kwame and he's 26; never been in a serious relationship; cute; funny - and considerate, which I was pretty sure my 'date' wasn't. I confessed I was there to meet someone and texted the guy letting him know where I was again; Jeff responded that he'd taken his shirt off and was looking for me. He found me. Um...why he found me I don't know because he then continued to ignore me almost the rest of the night, constantly leaving me and saying he'd be right back - no chemistry; no tact; and not very attractive (that's me being generous); plus he'd scared Kwame away, who was actually cool. I eventually ran into Kwame again and asked if he wanted to hang out (letting him know I wasn't talking about hooking up); he agreed and we left (with Jeff stopping me to find out if I was leaving - like he was suddenly interrested - whatever). I took Kwame back to my place and he & Mark & I sat talking downstairs when I rememebered that I'd left my hat and jacket at the bar - which was now closed. Back to the bar we went, where the door guys went and got my stuff for me! Thanks guys! Back to my place. More conversation. More relaxed low-key fun. Then I took Kwame home. I came home.

I texted Michael when I got him and he called me. We talked for a bit. I cried. I miss him. I don't miss the uncertainty or the pain, but I miss the perfect idea of him from last summer. He said he was there for me if I wanted to come over and I said goodbye thinking I'd go over in a beat and cuddle with him. Only my stomach, which has been calm for days, randomly gave me problems. I texted Michael to let him know I wouldn't be over and why, but that if he was free later I could hang out and we could play Wii or something.

(This up and down of happy and sad is normal after a breakup...and I'm sure I'll mellow out eventually but it's fucking confusing as hell right now.)

Then my headache returned. Full Force. I took midrin and a hot shower...then cuddled with Mark (who also had a headache) in his bed, eventually falling asleep. I woke up around 1:30pm. Got up. Took meds. And did Facebook stuff. There aren't any messages from Michael. We'll see what happens next.

Thanks for being there last night Mark.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:48 PM
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I ate. Had a sandwich with some Silk. I've been trying to eat smaller portions of food to help with the gastroparesis. Maybe it will work.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:20 PM
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My headache is coming back. I tried to take a nap but the neighbors are doing some construction. They were nice enough to come ask if it was a problem but Mark told them it wasn't and that we could wear earplugs...only since my jaw got messed up it hurts me to wear earplugs. Not having a great day, but only because of all the annoyances. Oh. And the Mooreville Reunion was today, only nobody bothered to tell me.

Gonna go hang out with Michael. Watch Star Trek & maybe play Wii.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:33 PM
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