Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Friday night. Went to Michael's. Thought he was mad at me. He wasn't. I was upset I was missing friends at Necto (Tom, Shawn & Chris - mostly Chris) - Michael said I could go and come back. I called Chris on the way but she hadn't been able to get in and was home! I told her we'd plan for next week and headed back to Michael's picking up snacks on the way. I was overcome with love for Mirhael and how cool our friendship / relationship was...plus it was great to see him again...especially with him being so cool. I later gave him a really great massage. We played Mario, watched Trek and had a fantastic cuddle session / night.

Saturday morning I was gonna leave but Michael was going to get his last check from Arby's and invited me along. I went. I had a great time. Later we played more games and had sex (protected and very safe). Later I went home, though I felt like I could stay for days...I just didn't want to confuse myself. I was in a downward funk for most of the night but pulled myself out of it. Go me!

Sunday I spent feeling a bit ill and had a relaxing day at home. This wasn't like other days at home of recent times where I felt trapped...I just wanted to stay home and I was happy to be there. Later I did decide I wanted to leave the house for a bit and got Mark out. We went to some pharmacys, the gas station, the post office and Little Caesars. I watched more Season 4 of 'Six Feet Under' and the new episode of True Blood (3x07 "Hitting the Ground") which I liked. I also hung out with Tom for several hours.

Monday. Michael and I spoke on the phone. Mark & I went for a walk downtown and met Tom at the Jolly Pumpkin. We later went to a candy shop, Borders and an ice cream shop before walking Tom back to his car and then home. I played some games and shaved my beard off...got ready for Necto as my ex-bf Brian was gonna be in town there. It was fun. Saw Carson / Lucianna and his friends (Kimberly I remember). I later saw Brian, and ran into Freedom and her friends Britney & Chris. The latter was hot and and hot for me...and I did kiss him, but tried to hook him up with Brian as I'm just not into the sex thing right now. Brian and I hung out by my car for about an hour talking then he came back to chill at the condo for a bit. It was all cool. He headed home and I talked to Michael who'd just finished up a date (no sex) and it was all very interesting. Did farmtown and wrote this.

Very tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:51 AM
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Slept from 9am - 4pm. Talked to Michael. Plans with him were dashed. Feelings for him became a lot more complicated. I feel too much.

Happy Birthday Jennifer.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:16 PM
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   Friday, August 6, 2010

Tues-Thursday Morning. Walked. Watched Six Feet Under. Not much to say really. I felt things I can't remember and remember things I don't want to.

Wednesday night - Thursday morning I stayed up. I watched SVU. I arrived at Michale's just after 12 noon which is when he said he was getting up; he'd invited me to look at possible future apartments for when his lease ends in October. It was hot and I was tired but it was fun spending time with him and talking about stuff - I was hard pretty much the entire time. We ate at McDonalds in Plymouth and I kept it all down. We later headed home. I gave him a hand job with hints that I'd get mine later. We slept for a few hours...nice cuddles.

Woke up to messages from Heather & Mark saying Heather could hang out that night. We had Heather drive out to Michael's so we could take her to Mark. When she was on her way over I was...well, I was licking Michael's balls actually, and he got a text from this new guy that's he's VERY into (Jonathan)...he asked Michael how his day was going (he knew Michael was with me) - Michael texted back "It's ok. Wish I was with you. But it's ok" - OUCH. He told me not to read too much into it and that he was just trying to make him happy. The thing is...Michael lies constantly and once you catch him in a lie it's hard to know who's being lied to - but he said that if he wasn't having a good time with me or didn't want to see me he just wouldn't see me. The whole encounter really threw me off but I managed to bounce back a bit.

Heather got lost so we met her somewhere then took her to Michael's and then to our condo. We chilled for a few and then walked to Aut Bar where everybody got drinks but me (I'd had a snack at the condo and my tummy was upset). The mayor of Ann Arbor came in and chatted with Mark...he also chatted up some lady. We went to Starbucks so I could get a carmel frap. Fun. Walked to Pizza House. Had cinnomon sticks. Went to Pinball Pete's...played Adams Family with Heather, DDR with Heather, 4 player air hockey and 4 player pool. Headed back home. Starting around then Jonathan kept up a running text conversation with Michael that didn't end until hours later. It was annoying and painful because I see Michael so rarely...and it was like he wasn't really WITH me. And this guy knew we were together and was barging in on that. Plus it reminded me of when Michael used to get texts from guys that I later learned he was cheating with. I got very depressed very fast. I was like a zombie. I started getting hospital flashbacks on top of that and seriously considered suicide. Mark saved my life with a text he sent me as Michael & I were driving Heather back to her car.

After Heather left, Michael and watched some DS9; he saved the final arc to watch with me and I've been looking forward to it for months...only Jonathan kept texting him. After 2 episode Michael announced it was bedtime and all but ran to the bed, leaving me behind and when I did get in there weren't any cuddles - and his clothes stayed on.

I woke up when he got up 4 hours later. We watched more Trek. Enterprise ("Sleeping Dogs" & "Shuttlepod One") & DS9 ("Strange Bedfellows & "The Changing Face of Evil") - I fell asleep during the latter and Michael sent me to bed saying he wasn't tired. Also, when watching Trek, he got a call from a guy named Jay about a date they're having tonight (Michael's gonna fuck him). I woke up a few hours later from odd dreams to find Michael asleep, having fallen asleep during the next episode he tried to watch. I was tempted to read the texts in his phone but knew that it would upset me so resisted. I had a snack. My belly was upset. Michael woke briefly and I told him I was sad I never got my orgasm and that we'd never really cuddled. He said he was going back to sleep for another hour and layed on the couch (where I obviously couldn't lay with him) - I asked if he wanted to cuddle and he said no...and when I said I was leaving he didn't bother to get up and hug me goodbye...or even say goodbye. It was pretty horrible.

I drove home. It was sunny out and then dark and rainy, then sunny again. I told Mark about my night and then came and wrote this.

I feel pretty broken. Stupid. I hate that all these other men come before me in Michael's life now. Actually, I think they did before and I was just fooling myself. How could I be so FUCKING STUPID? Why can't I get over this? I know parts of the answer, but not all of it. It makes me feel pathetic and idiotic...and I still fucking miss him. I wish he was here and wanting to hold me. But he's not...and he doesn't. The guy that pursued me last year and proposed marriage to me twice and cheated and lied and hurt now gets to move on with all these other dates and a guy he's really into and I (no offense to any friends that are reading this) feel like I've got nothing. I'm hanging by a thread. I don't know what to do.

A year ago today I was at Cedar Point with Michael, Mark, friends & family.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:02 PM
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   Monday, August 9, 2010

Yeah. So Friday morning was HELL. And I seriously wanted to die. And then somehow I bounced back. Part of that was due to this boy Shawn I've been talking to. Turns out he liked me more than I thought and while plans fell apart we ended up meeting at Aut Bar, going to Necto together on a date. There was dancing and flirting and all kinds of fun. He spent the night here. No sex. Just affection, and there was no pain and no lies and it was wonderful and healing.

Most of Saturday I slept because I needed to take a muscle relaxer for my jaw - probably from stress and then laughing & talking so much. Also my stomach was upset on Saturday. I did talk to Shawn a bit though and trade some texts with Tom. I didn't talk to Michael at all though I missed a call from him; he left no message and I didn't feel the need to chase after him. I got a blazing hot angry e-mail from Mollie about how I should stay away from Michael and to a degree she's right. The only thing holding me back at this point are certain feeling that I don't know how to express that are wrapped up in him that I've yet to explore. But the man I thought I knew has prove to be nothing but lies. Hopefully I'll come out of this stronger than I was before...and healthier too.

Something else about Saturday / Sunday - most of it I was home and on my own and for the first time in a long time I was ok with that. I had hoped to spend more time with Shawn but that didn't pan out and yet I wasn't overly disappointed - more just grateful to have the time to heal and be on my own.

Sunday. Slept well. Very well. Talked to Shawn on the phone. Got up and showered. Tom texted me and I called him back. Mark & I went to Little Caesars, picking Tom up on the way and then went back and ate at Tom's apartment. We had MUCH conversation and fun. Much Much. Feeling pretty good right now. Hope that doesn't mean that I'll crash later.

I did e-mail Michael on Sunday about some possible plans which may or may not happen - stuff that are kind of lingering threads of our time together. I hope that all works out. Not sure how it will play out or even if it will. We'll see.

I just know that Thursday night I wanted to die from the pain inflicted on me...and Friday / Saturday / Sunday brought me much peace and loving and friendship, and I'm grateful for that. Hopefully my stomach starts to calm down and everything will be roses. I'm hoping to hang out with Chris Varney this week and possibly Sean Mobley.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:41 AM
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Forgot to mention, Season 4 of Torchwood will be called "Torchwood: The New World" - 1 story spread over 10 episodes. The writers have also been announced though I don't remember them off hand.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:29 AM
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Mark says the new True Blood is AWESOME. I've not seen it yet. I might watch it before I got to bed...or I might just go to sleep. Not sure. I'll probably be up for awhile either way. Planning on trying to hang out with Chris later...and probably going to Necto tonight.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:32 AM
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Watched the new True Blood which was very good with lots of cool stuff, yet I was kind of numb during it, on pain killer for my head, with my stomach in knots. Lots of fun though. Here's the first teaser for the upcoming Spartacus preqel series:

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:07 AM
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Got about 4 hours sleep I think. Woke when Mark shut the front door on his way out. I thought he was heading to his dad's but he was actually going to my ex-bf Jeremy's place to work on his computer; he's been there ever since. I had an odd exchange with Michael where he sort of freaked out about my recent date and stuff. Chris had to cancel our plans, but then Carrie came over for a fun visit! Lots of talking, comforting and laughter. She just left. I was gonna go to the bar tonight and still might. Even if Mark isn't back when I'm done getting ready, I could walk. Still tired though. Hmmmm.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:52 PM
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   Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Shaved and showered. Went to Necto. The music was ok but MC Yoda talking and screaming and singing during all the good songs made the night suck. Freedom was there. Christine, Bobby & Brian were there. Good to see everyone. I left early, feeling hungry. I still haven't eaten.

Having a bad morning. Confusing feelings about Michael. The kind lots of people feel after a bad breakup I suppose. They aren't logical. He's kind of a monster...and yet I miss what I THOUGHT I had with him. And it hurts.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:01 AM
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   Wednesday, August 11, 2010

This morning, after freaking about Michael for a while, I took a chill pill, relaxed, made & ate a great omelette with lactose free chees, some vegan cheese & bacon, with some soy milk on the side. YUM. I watched the new episode of the Closer and eventually went to sleep. Slept / cuddled with Mark for several hours then went to my bed and slept even more! Woke feeling pretty great.

I talked to Michael, who's having money / job drama - and we talked about me seeing guys and him seeing guys and the strangeness of it all. It was all good and while he was still jealous (he says it's cause he's still in love with me) we had a lot of laughter and it felt nice. Jacked off. Showered. Talked to Shawn & Tom on the phone. Touched base. Went to Trader Joe's (which closed as we got there), Hiller's for water, Borders for a magazine which proved fruitless but ended in a wonderful Mark / Jason hug...then Whole Foods and Krogers where I got too much sweet stuff, but some new stuff to try.

Had another great conversation with Tom and then some talk with Shawn. I'm hoping to see Chris and possibly Sean Mobely this week. Oh...and I got a really funny birthday card from my grandmother! :-0)

So...all in all I've had another very good day, for which I'm very grateful.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:02 AM
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Chatted online for a bit. Traded texts with Shawn. Getting a migrain now. Took some Midrin...probably have a shake in a bit.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:35 AM
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Had the shake. Had an odd chat with Michael; says he misses being in a relationship and something about us being more than friends. We're gonna chat about that some other time, but I don't know how we could be more than friends. We'll see what that's about. Caught up on SVU. Gonna head to bed soon.

The plan is that tonight when Mark & I are awake we'll go to Flint to pick up Sean Mobley and bring him back here. Then we'll take him home early Friday morning. Tomorrow is my 36th Birthday. I'm hoping to hang with Chris Varney tomorrow. Brian Alfaro says he's free on Saturday if I want to hang. So no plans for Friday night yet. We'll see how this all plays out.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:19 AM
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   Thursday, August 12, 2010

So Mark & I slept until about 6pm last night. I'd missed a call from Michael so I called him back and left a voicemail telling him my plans for the night and hoping he was ok. He eventually got in touch with me and told me I was selfish and not a good friend because I didn't invite him out to see my friends on my birthday...when all I've been doing in my head is try to distance myself from how I was treated on my last birthday (in which I let him cum inside for the first time, not knowing that he'd fucked several other guys including 1 just 3 days before) - and so while I love him and want him to be happy, I just needed this space. I punched a hole in the wall. Took a xanax. And I managed to chill without my stomach freaking out. Go me. ;-0)

Mark & I went to Michael's place where I talked to him and argued and talked and he cried and said he missed being in a relationship with me...which I totally miss too, but I explained that I NEED time to learn to trust again, and we need to get past stuff and it's not my fault so I don't know why he's blaming me. We had an ok goodbye and I hoped to see him on Friday.

Mark & I went to Flint to pick up Sean (who's more handsome than he's ever been - and he's ALWAYS been hot!) and on the way home Mark pulled the car over, which confused me. I thought we were out of gas or the police were pulling us over but he pulled over cause it was midnight and he wanted to hug me for my birthday! Sean & I hugged. and then I took a nap on the way home.

TO BE CONTINUED...

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:02 PM
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   Saturday, August 14, 2010

So after the last entry...Mark got Sean & I home to the condo. There was much fun. There was eventually sleep. Next day we walked to South University to meet Chris. It was really muggy but it felt good to be out and about and great to see Chris. We went to Pizza House but I had next to nothing. I got a carmal frap at Starbucks (with soy milk!) and we played some air hockey at Pinball Pete's (I won both times though we switched partners). Mark took lots of pictures. We walked back to our place and Mark drove Chris to her car while I took a shower. Later Tom joined us and we played Apples to Apples, Trouble and then Scrabble after Tom left. It was great to see everyone and relax (though I was sad that Michael didn't call me after I left him a message). The best part of my night was that I tried some new food (fake chicken!) and made other food while around other people and managed to not freak out...so defifinite progress. I loved that we walked across town. Everything was perfect but for the doubting if Michael & I would be friends after it was all over...also I missed Mollie. But my 36th birthday was far more fun than I dared dream it would be.

I didn't get any sleep. I was going to sleep but then Sean had kind of a meltdown and I wanted to be there for him. Then I wanted to help him out more so stayed up for like 10 more hours getting all the pictures online for his use. I did eventually collapse for a few hours. I woke up sad that Michael hadn't called, and found a text from Shawn trying to find out what we were doing...everything worked out in the end though. Michael called and we're doing something tomorrow. I love him. I want to have things be good between us and he's willing to try it sounds like. Tom didn't end up going to Necto but I did and saw Shawn, met his friend Brandon, and Shawn's sister Dominique (and her gf). Shawn lavished me with attention (he was drunk) and I fended off the advances of 3 guys who wanted to get with me - probably because they saw me with a guy (I hate that). My ex-bf Paul was there and it was great to see him. We hung out after the bar and it was all good...though I ran into this drunken CUNT when walking back to my car, who tried to call me names but was broken by my very loud and very real laughter! It kind of topped the night off in style. lol

Also in there, Mark and I had a really great heart to heart and I think I was able to help give him some support and some good advice...also...I fought off a horrible headache. I'm tired while writing all this so I apologise if it comes off a bit weird.

The point is...my plans for Friday mostly fell apart but in the end I was able to see friends and party and have a good time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:32 AM
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   Sunday, August 15, 2010

Saturday brought lots of Drama. First from Michael as a miscommunication meant I was supposed to chill with him Friday night instead of Saturday...I got sick to my stomach...and realized the only way to not be sick was to smooth things out with him which I concentrated on doing for most of the day. It was a difficult day between my stomach being upset and dealing with serious issues between Michael & I. It finally seemed to have a happy ending with us cuddling and sleeping...

Then the shit hit the fan. Only from Mark. He'd spent some time with family and was back in A2 with his sister-in-law and texted / messaged hoping Michael & I could join - only we were asleep. He texted me 19 times and left 2 voicemails; he texted Michael 7 times and left him 2 voicemails as well - all saying 'call me' and not hinting if it was an emergency or not. I responded as soon as I saw the messages (I woke up thirsty around 2am) but Mark didn't respond, which worried the fuck out of me, making me sick again and leading to a stress headache from hell - only he didn't respond because he was pissed at me. Classy.

So now my stomach is upset again. After I spent all day yesterday working out the drama / stress that was clawing at me, only to have it explode all over me again. I was sleeping; I'm sorry. And 19 texts when it's not an emergency is just excessive and cruel. It's bad enough that I missed the chance to hang out with Mark & Julie (one of my favorite people on this planet) but now i have to be punished for that? Seriously? I didn't answer because I was asleep after an exhausting day. Mark didn't answer because he was being a bitch. Honestly I have more reason to be pissed here than he does. And I know he's gonna read this and be upset but it's my fucking blog; just let me vent! Ugh.

However...we're all under a lot of stress. His former employers are dicking him over. He's waiting on news of a job...and money stuff. He's got family stress. He's got major issues. I need to cut him some slack. I need to move on from this anger and just get past it. I don't want this shit poisoning me.

I'm gonna try to sleep. I'm supposed to hang out with Bryan, Di, possibly Robert, and possibly Mark & Shawn later. I told Bryan I'd invite Mark but forgot in all the drama. I'll go do that now and then try to sleep. Blah. Hopefully I can eat later. That would be nice.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:38 AM
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Talked things out with Mark. Apologised. Mark forgave me and thanked me. Played online. I feel calm. I feel like all the effort I've put into smoothing things over with my friends in the last 24 hours has paid off. Now if I could just have a day where I'm fine and nobody gets hurt...that would be great.

I have SO MUCH laundry to do.

My 35th Birthday Party was a year ago today; it was a Saturday.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:40 AM
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Chilled. Had a snack. Took a nap, with random texts & calls waking me up. Hanging with Bryan, starting sometime between 6pm & 7pm. Shawn can't make it cause he needs to sleep for work. Michael can't go because...well, he doesn't want to go, and also he needs to go to bed early tonight so he can get up early for his new job. I don't know if Mark is going or not. I could invite Tom though I'm not sure what he's doing and at this point it might be best just to keep things simple. Don't want to think or worry about anything. Tom doesn't make me worry so that's not an issue...I think I just need a vacation from myself. lol. I'd love to sleep some more. Also more food. And a bath would be nice. A walk would be good but I feel like holding off on that for at least another day.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:41 PM
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   Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Sunday, before going to Di's house, Michael texted me to let me know he'd deleted me from his Facebook friends list. He said it was too difficult seeing me move on with other guys. He also felt me a very heartfelt voicemail saying how sorry he was that he had hurt me so terribly and that he knew that I'd find someone amazing because I deserve to. I told him that I understood him needing space but if he ever decided he needed me as a friend that I'd be there if I was able. I found it oddly fitting that he was telling me some deep truths and putting some healing distance between us 1 year to the day that he'd thrown me that huge birthday party which at the time felt like a lie, and then later (when the truth came to light) like a payoff. It only took 1 year but I got the present that I really needed, even if it made me a little sad.

Mark & I had a good time visiting with Bryan, Robert, Di, Kyra (Robert's girlfriend) and Chris (an Alfaro relative). We played euchre and talked about old times. They gave me some fun gifts, which I hadn't expected at all. It was all good.

Monday morning I watched the new True Blood. And I finally slept for more than 4 hours at a time. Monday night I hung out with Shawn Walker and his friend Steve at Aut Bar (I walked there). My friends Andy & Redcloud were there, plus Ryan & Shane (people I'd met recently). After Aut closed Shawn, Steve & I walked to Pizza House for food and conversation - it was all good. Mark kindly picked us up as it was chilly outside. We dropped Steve off at his place on Liberty, then dropped Shawn off at his car and we made plans to hang out on Tuesday.

I watched some more Six Feet Under; I have 4 episodes left in Season 4, and 16 episode overall.

I did the dishes and several loads of laundry.

Tuesday morning Michael left me a voicemail saying that he missed me and that he's miserable without me. That he's trying to keep his distance but it's difficult. I had a good breakfast. Michael called me later and said that he loves me, misses me and wishes we were back together. I told him I love and miss him and think we could be great friends. When I met Michael, he rushed us into a relationship and soon asked me to marry him...and now it feels like he's trying to rush my healing process. I don't think he means to do that...I'm flattered by it in some ways, but things have to go the way things have to go. He told me that if I ever feel like giving us another chance that he'd be open to that and let me go.

Later I hung out with Shawn; took him to meet some of my relatives: my grandparents, my lil sis (who was nice to me), Aunt Marge, Uncle Mike, Katie, Michael White, Dadgr(?) & Jenny's 3 kids. It was all good.

Later we had naked cuddles and lots of conversation...but no sex. It was very odd, very strange, yet somehow nice also. Stuff might happen later or we might just be friends...but I really like him. A lot. And he says he likes me a lot too. I'm not gonna worry about it. ;-0)

I left Shawn's place at like a quarter to 2am. I would have stayed and cuddled with him but I was very hungry and all my food was at home. I stopped at Meijer for more Silk and some other random things. I had a snack and I went to bed. I slept for like 4.5 hours again. Got up and played online.

I need to eat.

And I'm a bit bored. I might sleep some more actually as I have the free time at the moment. I need to get in touch with Tom and see what he's up to. He texted me something about chocolate last night but I was in Milan and getting bad reception. Might watch more Six Feet Under. Not sure.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:37 AM
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Layed down for a nap after the last entry. Was almost alseep when Mark came in to join me. He had bad news; he didn't get the job he was hoping for. I was sad and tired and cranky, but I told him I was sorry and that I hoped he'd find something soon...and that he should call his lawyer about some stuff that's going on, which he said he'd do Monday. He got up very suddenly and was gone and I passed out for about 7 hours! Crazy. I had odd dreams. Michael was in them. I texted him when I woke up that I missed him too (which has already been said but I was in that waking stage where the dream was still very vivid). He texted me back "Where did that come from?" and I texted I'd just woken from a dream about him. I also texted Tom who'd texted while I was asleep; I let him know I'd just woken up and he said good morning. I said thanks. Mark says he wants to go to Benny's & Meijer in the moring. It could happen.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:47 PM
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   Thursday, August 19, 2010

Chatted online. Missed Shawn. Talked to a drunken Michael on the phone about his job and how much fun he had getting groped at a party. Listened to music. About to go to Bennny's bakery with Mark, then going to Meijer. Hopeing to do some stuff today. Worried about Shawn. Need to chill with Tom soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:26 AM
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Went to Benny's. Got 4 glazed doughnuts and headed to Meijer. Traded texts with Shawn. Got new razors and some Starbucks at Meijer. Saw some old coworkers. Headed home with Mark. Nice to get out of the house as always. Been up ever since, chatting with friends and reading news. It's warm in here.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:19 PM
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At this time yesterday I was asleep. I'm very tired now. But, oddly, very horny. lol.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:58 PM
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   Friday, August 20, 2010

Was up until around 6pm. I baked cookies again, but this time I burned them. Perhaps I'm not meant to have cookies right now. lol. Messed around online. Was exceptionally horny today. Talked to Shawn for about an hour right before we both went to bed. I woke about an hour ago with my tummy in knots...probably from the doughnuts earlier. I was warned against having them after my gallbladder was removed but I thought my body had adjusted since October...and maybe it has because if I'd eaten them then they'd have gone stright through me. Whatever.

Probably sleep more soon. Would like to see Tom soon. It's been over a week now. And Shawn and I are planning on hanging out sometime this weekend.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:27 AM
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   Saturday, August 21, 2010

Friday. Got lots of sleep. Shaved off the beard & fur. Went to Necto to meet Shawn. Drama. Sadness. Why did I fall for a bottom? The signs were all there, but I hoped for the best because he's so fucking awesome. :-0( We can be friends of course...but aside from our biology there was the potential for something more. It was like falling in love with a woman only worse. What the fuck? If I fall for a guy, or start to fall for a guy and he feels the same for me then it should just fucking work goddamn it. :-0( Erg.

Apparently "I Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem & Rihanna is our song. We danced to it and they played it at the end of the night too. He said it was ironic and when I pointed out that we never lied to each other he said that he thought we lied to ourselves. How fucking sad is that? Erg.

Shawn's Facebook status when he got home from the bar: "and with a tear in his eye he says good night"

My stomach has been worse the last few days. Wondering if it's because I've exercised less? Perhaps exercise is key to my stomach working?

I just finished Season 4 of Six Feet Under. 1 Season / 12 episodes left.

1 year ago today, my boyfriend Michael cheated on me with 2 men (Rocco & Brad); the lastter was bareback. He then took me to his grandmother's funeral where his mother thanked me for coming. Later Mollie was rushed to the hospital and I took care of Michael instead of going with her and Mark. Michael fucked me without telling me he was putting me at risk and then accused me of cheating when I stopped by the bar to see an old friend on my way to see Mollie (even though he was invited to both destinations). I was sick all weekend.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:32 PM
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   Sunday, August 22, 2010

Talked to Michael on the phone just before I went to bed. He was on his way home from work and needed some help with directions. I helped him out. I told him about my problems with Shawn and he said he was glad I found someone I liked but that he was now depressed over me. I told him I was depressed too but he said it didn't matter because it was over someone other than him. He let me go. It was sad. I do miss him. I just don't miss the suffering.

I slept about 5 hours I think; woke up around midnight and headed to Aut Bar to meet Shawn & his friend Brandon. Lots of people there. Jeremy was there and he bought me a drink (a rum runner?); he says we'll have to hang out soon. Shawn, Brandon & I almost went to a 'party' (had to be sex) but there was a mixup so we headed back to Shawn's to chill. I wanted to stay the night and sleep but Brandon would have had to drive home to Toledo so I left.

Really like Shawn. This sucks.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:19 AM
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   Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Shawn came to visit with me on Sunday. We played playstation games, cuddled and had The Sex, which was nice. He had to leave shortly after so he could sleep before work.

Monday morning I went to Target to visit Shawn. Then went to Whole Foods and Little Caesars where I got food for me & Mark. We separately but almost simultaniously watched the new True Blood episode (3x10 I Smell a Rat) which was good. I chilled most of the day as my tummy has been bothering me again, and I was throwing up.

I made sure to call Janice. Monday was her 40th Birthday.

Michael called later and wanted to know if I could cuddle with him. I told him I'd let him know. I continued to chill and all was well. I did end up going to Michael's where we talked about Shawn, Tom, Jonathan (who'd shared a private conversation between him & I with Michael) and his sex life. We cuddled and talked about more serious stuff. He says he's still in love with me and misses me and wants to be with me, but I'm pretty sure that he lied about some stuff too. Got some sleep. Michael left for work around 6am and I left soon after, stopping at Meijer & Busches on the way home. I hadn't eaten anything to give my stomach a break but bought some veggie cheese for an omellete.

I brought in the mail and Mark was playing poker. He told me that Chris & Brian (whom Mark slept with like 11 years ago) were having a party this Friday and we were invited. Lots of flashbacks in my head. Mark sleeping with them wasn't an issue; we were separated at the time after I had cheated on him and he had every right to do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted...only when we got back together we continued to see these guys, with one of them showing me quite a bit of contempt and getting off on my suffering...and eventually told me things that led to Mark & I breaking up forever. At the time I tried to ignore such things because I wanted Mark to have friends - he even said he didn't want to spend any time with them and that he never wanted to see them again but I insisted because Mark doesn't make friends easily...which is true, but if I could back in time I'd have let him forget them, because I feel I was victimized by that situation. My stomach is all in knots now and I haven't eaten in more than 12 hours...which is good cause I'd be puking now but...well, the omelette I just shopped for is NOT a good idea now. :-0(

Ugh. I'm letting this all get to me. I need to relax. I need to just calm the fuck down.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:59 AM
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I gave in to my hunger and snacked on vegan chocolate chips. I shouldn't have. My stomach is really not happy today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:58 AM
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Eventually got my stress under control without drugs. Go me. I ate. So far not problems there which is huge. Though I've not done much of anything today this feels like a very big deal.

I'm soooooo tired.

Mark got some potentially good news; I hope it works out.

Shawn had a really bad day; he was 2 hours late for work (he overslept) and he's worried about losing his job. We talked for over an hour about all kinds of things and I was brutal and honest about the state of our relationship / friendship / whatever. He said he agreed with everything I said...that he felt the same way, and that it was all stuff that he'd thought himself. Basically what I said was that I want to be around him all the time and that I'm falling for him but I know it won't last...that there is the potential for pain when he or I meet someone else or in the avoidance of meeting others. But that I'm trying to take the feelings I have for him and enjoy him as long as I can...and hopefully channel my feelings into a really cool friendship. Not sure that will work but I'm trying.

A friend showed me this website where you can get stuff for Farmtown that would take a long time to do otherwise. I got some stuff even though I've mostly not worked on my farm for like 3 weeks.

I'm fading fast. I need to sleep soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:30 PM
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Michael is gonna stop at home and shower then come here and we're gonna cuddle / sleep.

I planted on my Farm Town for the first time in weeks. Have it in my head to just store all the ingrediants for stuff; build it all up so that I won't run out for a long while.

Sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:54 PM
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   Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Michael & I basically went to sleep as soon as he got here. We slept until about 5am when Mark got us up so we could go to Benny's for doughnuts. We stopped at Meijer so I could get more eggs. Saw old friends Wanda, Amie & DIANA :-0) Good times. When we got home Michael & I went back to sleep for about 4 hours. Lots of rest. Very nearly zero stress. We fooled around a bit but as safely as possible. Michael left here about an hour ago. I took a shower. Read the news. And wrote this.

I'm gonna eat soon. And I'm hoping to take a walk today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:41 AM
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I had an omelette, which was delicious. So far I've had no stomach problems. I worked on my Farm Town. I talked to Michael on the phone a few times...and he pointed out that our friendship seems to be going well and that he's glad we're in touch.

I'm missing Shawn.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:53 PM
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I chatted with Trevor online. Later, I traded texts with Shawn. Still chilling. Feel kind of sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:20 PM
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   Thursday, August 26, 2010

After the last entry I watched some Season 8 Smallville highlights (the Lana arc) then traded texts with Shawn. He sounded down so I went to his place to surprise him. I think it helped but I'm not sure...he seemed a bit out of it. I hope he'll be ok. I crashed there but only for a few hours cause he had to be up around 3am so he could go to work. He walked me to my car, a hug and a kiss and then goodbye. Drove home. Talked to Michael on the phone (I'd missed a call from hm) and he said he had fun at his party and was home watching Charmed. Read stuff on Facebook. Wrote this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:24 AM
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Still awake. This guy friended me on yahoo messenger randomly the other day. He wasn't on and I had no clue who it was but I approved it. This morning he was on and it turns out he saw me on gay.com and was hot for me. He's like...super hot, super studly, and yet not annoying. His name is Russ and we had a very nice chat. He lives really far away so probably nothing will come of it, but he was funny and cute and charming and it was one of those chats that just comes out of nowhere and brightens your day. :-0)

I traded more texts with Shawn, which added to my good mood. I really, really like him. I hope we don't end up hurting each other.

I'm both HUNGRY and TIRED. Not sure which desire will win out. Possibly both.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:36 AM
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   Friday, August 27, 2010

After the last entry I ate. And I didn't sleep until well after noon. I think it was about 1pm that I went to bed. I slept until around 7pm. I read the news and stuff and thought I'd lay down for a little while longer only I woke up around 5am! Crazy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:36 AM
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Watched some Six Feet Under; 10 episodes left. Did the online thing. Bored. Extremely bored. I had a shake for the first time in like a week and it's not going through my stomach well which sucks because I'm hungry again but know if I eat it will go badly. What's up with that?

I miss Mollie and feel like I've not heard from her in ages. I'm worried.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:54 PM
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I took a Reglan; hope that helps with my stomach. I have a doctor's appointment in about an hour. Mark was planning on going with me but he's sleeping so he's not going. No word yet on if he's going to that damned party tonight. I need to just let go. I've not been walking in almost 2 weeks. And soon it will be too cold for me to take those walks.

I watched another episode of 'Six Feet Under'; I liked this one a lot. 9 more episodes to go.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:53 PM
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   Saturday, August 28, 2010

Walked to my doctor's appointment; had to wait an hour to see my doc. Basically my gastric epmtying test came back perfect, which I knew I would. They don't think surgery is the way to go unless I get back to having to take Reglan 28 times a week the way I was before; I'm down to MAYBE 5, probably less right now. Sounds fine for me. There's another medication that does the same thing as Reglan but is safer and I wanted to try that but it turns out they don't make it in the United States. Damn. Walked home, calling Michael on the way as he'd left me a voicemail while I was at the doctor's; got his voicemail. He'd said he'd had a good day and I talked about my appointment. Ate when I got home. Felt good to walk.

Mark didn't go to the cursed party. Thank Joss.

I talked to Mollie on the phone which was GREAT! She's doing good and I'm doing good so there were a lot of smiles and laughter and sharing. I talked to Shawn Walker for a bit and traded some texts with Tom. I was tired. I slept for about 4 hours, between 8pm & midnight. I woke with a headache and took Midrin, which is just now kicking in. I went to Kroger with Mark who mostly talked to Marcus on his phone. I returned a message from Travis who'd left me a voicemail while I slept. I called Tom who'd texted while I was sleeping but he was just getting to bed. I called Shawn and he's been trapped in his apartment cause he's poor so once I'm done harvesting my Farm Town I'm gonna go chill with him a bit; get him out of his place.

Mark, if you're reading this, bill your customers. It's been almost 3 months and it's starting to stress me out. I know it must stress you out too. I love you.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:25 AM
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Went to hang out with Shawn last night around 3am. We chilled at his place. Talked. Laughed. Wrestled. Just being silly. Slept a bit. Went to Benny's around 10am. Headed home. Took a nap. Got a visit from DJ today! Talked to Michael on the phone. Ate.

Going to a party in a bit with Mark & Shawn. There will be people there that I went to High School with. Weird. Wish me luck. My stomach is acting SLIGHTLY weird.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:34 PM
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   Sunday, August 29, 2010

Went to the party. Had fun. Great to see people from school. Jen, Renee, Katherine, Kim. New friends were made. Fun was had. We went to Red Robin afterwards. Dropped Shawn off. Home now. Very tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:51 AM
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Went to bed just after the last entry. Slept until now. Odd dreams that are fading fast.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:21 AM
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   Monday, August 30, 2010

Yesterday was weird. My stomach was not behaving and I couldn't tell you why except maybe I was a little late taking my prilosec; I'm trying to keep on that now to see if it helps. I also had some anxiety yesterday that I couldn't explain. I eventually, well into the evening, took a xanax to help.

I spoke to Shawn throughout the day. Mark wants to take a look at Shawn's car but that didn't happen yesterday as Mark needed to get some rest. Also, Shawn's aunt Jo was one of the 3 people that interviewed me at Target! She rocks. I guess she remembers me too. How cool! We also found out that Shawn's dvd player plays burnt discs so I can burn him some tv shows that he's behind on.

I spoke to Michael on the phone as well. Things are going well for him for the most part. He invited me to hang out with him Tuesday night and if my stomach is better than I will go. He's getting ready to move in October; most likely to a house in Plymouth, right next to his parents & grandmother! That will be good for him I think, and still close enough for us to visit sometimes, while he'll be much closer to work and have a real support system around him - which I think he needs very badly - so I really hope that pans out.

I spoke to Tom on the phone last night with all kinds of updates on things and we're gonna try to hang out sometime this week I think.

Oh...and I've been playing Farmtown again. Playing right now in fact.

I slept really well last night.

Woke up to news of the Emmys and news for Doctor Who. So we have Series 4 of Sarah Jane (probably starting in October) & the Who Christmas Special this year, plus some mini-episodes on the DVD's (not that I can afford them right now) - and possibly a few other surpises as well? Next year we knew we had another season of Who, Torchwood & Sarah Jane - but Doctor Who will be split into 2 parts with the first 7 episodes airing around Easter and ending in a 'game changing cliffhanger' and the final 6 episodes airing in the fall. This doesn't bother me so much as we'll also have 10 episodes of Torchwood & another season of Sarah Jane & probably a Christmas Special to carry us through 2011.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:51 AM
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I've had two small meals since waking with no troubles so far. It sucks to always be hungry, but it feels great to not be ill. I watched the new True Blood which was good yet the cliffhanger seemed kind of random. Next week is the season finale.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:57 PM
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Just tried to have another light snack only on my way past Mark's room he badgered me about something missing that I'd removed from the dishwasher - and when I found it for him, in plain site on the counter top he kept at it and I got so flusstered that the food I had earlier is coming back up now. I was having a really good day until now.

I need to chill and I'm not sure how now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:45 PM
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I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I was stressed yesterday for NO FUCKING REASON. None. And today I freaked out about something that (all things considered) wasn't that freaky, though it was annoying. I'm just so freaked out right now and there's no real reason that I can pin down. What the fuck?

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:06 PM
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My stomach eventually calmed down. I talked with Tom online. Traded texts with Shawn. And I spoke to Michael on the phone before taking a much needed nap. Didn't sleep well; Mark was making a lot of noise but he told me later that he didn't know I was sleeping. I'm getting a headache now. Just took another prilosec; trying to keep on top of that. I burned some discs for Shawn too; got 2 more to go. I need to call Michael back; I told him I would if I woke before 10pm. Mark just asked if I wanted Little Caesars...maybe I do. Maybe.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:18 PM
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Took Midrin and a hot shower. Feel spacey. Called Michael and left a voicemail; he's probably asleep. Was just reading about 'Series 6' & 'Series 7' of Who - which is what they're apparently calling the next year split in Who. I found it annoying at first, but maybe it will be fine. Really don't know at this point. I just know that we have new Sarah Jane in less than 2 months. A Who Christmas Special in December. Some mini-episodes when I can afford the DVD's. 7 episodes of Who beginning around Easter. A 10 Episodes season of Torchwood supposedly airing in Summer. Plus 6 more Who episodes in the fall, 12 Sarah Jane episodes as well, and another Christmas Special in December 12. So we'll be getting Whoniverse episodes every few months for awhile now and that's fine with me.

So spacey right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:17 PM
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   Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Went to Little Caesars with Mark; got crazy bread and headed to Tom's. Ate at Tom's. He baked cookies which Mark tried. We chilled in the living room and I eventually fell asleep on the couch, cuddled up with Tom. Woke later and Mark was playing a game and we headed home...only to remember we needed to go to the post office and headed back the way we'd come. Ran into an old Hollywood customer at the Post Office (Ernest) who talked A LOT (but in general is really cool) - then we headed back home; been here about an hour I think. Going back to bed soon. And I just got a voicemail from Michael saying he went to bed around 8 and just woke up. Ok then. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:06 AM
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Stayed up untl around 7am then slept until around 11am. Got a call from Michael just before bed on his way to work.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:52 AM
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Felt like my headache was coming back so I got away from the computer, took more prilosec / Zantac, shaved, trimmed and showered. Also made my bed for the first time in like a week. Cleaned the mirrors in the bathroom a bit. I should probably eat but slightly worried that I might get ill from it...yet afraid I'll get a worse headache if I don't eat. Tough. I'm supposed to go to Michael's today and I'm hoping that does happen because I'd really love to see and spend time with him. I'm gonna get my stuff in order so I'm ready to go whenever it's possible to do so...and then probably eat.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:18 PM
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Had an Omelette, after cleaning and stuff. Rewatched "The Pandorica Opens", which feels like a great episode of Who, except it's built on a bunch of episodes that suck; oh well. Helped Mark as much as I could with his work, but I had a horrible headache and was feeling pressured to get a move on so as not to piss off Michael, who I think is slightly pissed off anyways...so sick of being pulled in 2 different directions - usually by Mark & Michael - and I can never please both at the same time.

Anyways. Heading out soon; I just have to figure out what food to bring.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:37 PM
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