Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I chated with several friends for a bit, then Mark & I finished
the Glee episode we were watching. I converted some Star
Wars files for my collection and Mark figured out a way to
convert deleted scenes to a usable format - which he should
be able to explain to me when he gets home from work
tonight! He already converted the scenes from "Razor" and
I'm going to try editing that once this SW conversion is
finished. I'm super tired though. I might sleep and do it in
the morning - or - just finish Razor and then go to bed. Not
sure. I'm excited to see what kinds of things I can put
together with all this fun stuff :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:58 AM
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I did end up going for a walk with Mark, after taking out
the trash. We walked to Starbucks (where a cute boy
complimented me on my piercing) and then to Aut Bar
where we ran into our friend Calvin. Mark got food while
Calvin told us stories about his family and friends. We had
to head home because Mark needs to do something online
at midnight. As we were leaving though we ran into my
friend Eric who Mark & I met at a cafe back in
November...then we walked home.

All through this activity Mark traded texts and calls with
Gen and I came to the conclusion that I really don't like
her. This hit me really hard when I could tell she was
pissed off at him and it made me happy. Later I heard
what was going on and I told Mark that I didn't like her
and he agreed that she was crazy. He had told her he'd
call her when he got home and she got super pissed that
he didn't call right away and then later broke up with him
via text in the most TACKY way possible - and for no sane
reason. Earlier I felt almost guilty for not liking her...and
now, thanks to her freaky behavior I'm free of that. I still
feel bad for Mark though because he deserves better. The
thing is...before Friday I really liked her...and then her
freak out and her lack of remorse when she was
sober...was so unpleasant...and then she didn't thank me
for getting her in the bar or for walking home so she could
have the car, or giving them condoms so they could fuck
or anything. I showed her a song on a cd I burned for
myself on Saturday and she asked if the cd was for her
and when I told her it was for me she told me that I
needed to burn her a copy too and I didn't know why but
that bothered me - well, later it hit me that she didn't ask,
she ordered. I really think she didn't respect me at all - in
fact she openly disrespected me several times. Mark's
downstairs having a texting conversation with her...I hope
he's not too upset. Ugh.

I miss Mollie.

I dressed up for the walk but then didn't get any pictures. I
might snap some with the remote camera before I get out
of these clothes. I'll try to call Mollie later.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:40 AM
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Went to bed around 6am. Got up around 1pm. I worked on
Farmtown and read the news. I did the dishes. I emptied the
trash and recyle stuff. I wiped down the kitchen counters,
microwave and refridgerator handles. I put Mark's boost in
the fridge and organized stuff. I washed Mark's towels and
did some of his laundry. I put away Mark's other groceries
and put the new thing of toilet paper in the bathroom. There
were some clothes of mine in the living room which I brought
up to my room. I made my bed and sorted through some
clutter.

Then I worked on the extended cut of "Razor" - which
worked really well in the preview screen, but when I saved it
the sound and visuals were all messed up...which SUCKS!!!
But we're getting close to figuring it out...I can feel it. Mark is
gonna be home late but he'll take a look at it then. I need to
eat. I'd like to take a walk but not sure I'm going to make it
out. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:12 PM
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   Thursday, June 2, 2011

I didn't take any pictures last night after all. Mark did
some stuff for work and then helped with some BSG work
- though we called it quits fairly early, as we were both
obviously very tired. Mark fell asleep on my bed while I
watched more BSG deleted scenes from Season 2 - which
are going to rock in the extended cuts. There were some
major chracter / plots bits that just never made it to the
screen. Sad, but exciting that I'll have inclusive cuts to
watch and share with my friends who love the show like I
do.

I later slept well. Got up around 1pm again. I did
Farmtown and then got pounded by a massive migraine
with no warning. I took some Excedrin Migraine and a
scalding hot shower. Later I noticed that Gen had posted
some pretty insulting stuff on her page but chose not to
retaliate.

Yesterday I rewatched X3, though I forgot to mention that.
I still think it's mostly good. I think people disliked it for 2
main reasons. 1: it's sense of closure. Rather than being
part 3 of 100 it chose to be part 3 of 3, featuring the
"deaths" of major characters and the depowering of
several important mutant characters - yet at the same
time, it made it perfectly clear that characters that were
presumed dead may have survived and that the 'cured'
characters powers were likely to return - making a 4th
entry possible - so I'm not clear on why this point bothers
so many people. 2: People weren't happy with the changes
in continuity from the comics to the screen such as the
Phoenix Saga and Juggernaut being a mutant...these
changes didn't bother me though because I think the
Phoenix Saga is overrated, and the movie version made
sense within the movie continuity - and Juggernaut being
a mutant in the movie (and not Xavier's brother) is a lot
more acceptable on screen than Xavier's brother finding a
magic helmet that grants him super powers. There's 1 or 2
things I don't like but it's a pretty cool 3rd part of a story -
and is currently chronologically part 5 of 5 - and I'm cool
with that. I've heard really good things about the new
prequel ("First Class") and I MIGHT go see it in the theater;
I've seen the previous 4 in the theater as well. Here's how
I'd rate the ones I've seen so far:

01 X-Men: First Class ???
02 X-Men Origins: Wolverine ***
03 X-Men ***
04 X2: X-Men United *****
05 X3: The Last Stand ****

"Wolverine" was good though I had 2 complaints - 1
involving a special effects sequence which looked terrible,
and the other being a really horribly stupid line of
dialogue - which in the grand scheme of things are pretty
minor complaints.

"X-Men" was a good introduction to the world and
characters but the storyline is sort of silly, there's a
continuity flub, and the movie is very short.

"X2: X-Men United" is probably my favorite superhero
movie and the best of the sequels in my opinion. It has a
huge cast of characters but uses them well and to great
effect and the story hits several high points I wasn't
expecting.

"X3: The Last Stand" is better story wise than either
Wolverine or X-Men, yet it doesn't quite reach the heights
of X2.

Everything I'm hearing about "X-Men: First Class" tells me
that it's on the same level as "X2". I hope it is too. This has
been my favorite series of superhero movies and I'm
happy that a new entry is getting such high praise and
that future installments are in the works as there is talk of
a "First Class" sequel, a sequel to "Wolverine", a Deadpool
spin-off which may or may not be in the same continuity
as the other films - and there's talk of a sequel to "X3"
which would be very, very welcomed.

When I say the X-Men movies are my favorite series of
superhero movies I should, I suppose, be clear about what
I'm comparing them to. I've not seen most of the Marvel
Cinematic Universe which is building up to "The Avengers"
next year; I've only seen "Iron Man" but I'm excited to
watch the other entries in that series and I have high
hopes for those 6 movies ("Captain America: The First
Avenger", "Iron Man", "Iron Man 2", "The Incredible Hulk",
"Thor", "The Avengers") and the future installments as well
(there are talks of several future installments including
"Iron Man 3", "Thor 2", "Hawkeye", "S.H.I.E.D." & "Black
Widow" among others). Here's how I'd rate the other
superhero films I've seen:

Batman ***
Batman Returns ****
Batman Forever ****
Batman & Robin *
Catwoman *

Batman Begins **
The Dark Knight ****

Blade ***
Blade 2 ***
Blade Trinity *

The Crow ***
The Crow: City of Angels **
The Crow: Salvation *
The Crow: Wicked Prayer *

Daredevil *
Elektra ***

I know people hated Elektra but I thought even with the
horrible miscasting it was far more enjoyable than
Daredevil - plus Jennifer Garner did a much better job with
the character her 2nd time out.

Fantastic Four **
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer ***

Hellboy ***
Hellboy: The Golden Army ***

Hulk ***

The Punisher (Lundgren) ***

Sin City *****

I'm not sure Sin City belongs on this list but it's fucking
AWESOME.

Spawn *

Spider-Man ***
Spider-Man 2 ***
Spider-Man 3 ***

Though the Spider-Man movies are 'ok' I don't love any of
the characters and in fact, most of them annoy me.

Superman ***
Superman II ****
Superman III ***
Supergirl **
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace *
Superman Returns **

Watchemen ****

Watchmen would have gotten 5 stars yet it removes a lot
of the LGBT content from the book and actually inserts
more homophobic crap that wasn't there - it's still
inclusive and it's still a cool movie - it just could have
been more than it ended up being.

I also watched bits of Resident Evil 2. We have Resident
Evil 1, 2 & 4. I'd never seen 4 though I'd seen the first 3 in
the theaters. I thought 1 was good. I thought 2 was kind
of stupid at first because the way the zombies were
presented didn't seem scary at all but then it hit me later
that part 2 isn't so much about zombies but it about Alice
& Nemesis and the fallout of 1 and then I liked it a lot
more when taken on those terms. I thought Part 3 was
bad, but I've only seen it once and might like it more a
2nd time. I'm not sure. I'll probably rent or buy it
someday. I started Part 4 ("Afterlife") a bit ago and so far
I'm enjoying it at least as much as Part 1 and more than 2
or 3. They're working on Part 5 which is supposed to be
out in September of 2012. I'm going to eat and watch the
rest of the movie. I'll comment on it when I'm finished.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:23 PM
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Just finished Resident Evil 4. The first half was better than the
2nd, but it was still better than the 3rd one; about as good as
the 2nd one but for completely different reasons.

Resident Evil ****
Resident Evil: Apocalype ***
Resident Evil: Extinction **
Resident Evil: Afterlife ***

Mark is home. He apparently didn't have to go to the security
conference after all. He's bummed about the bitch. Perhaps
he can help me with some BSG stuff later.

My headache is gone. My stomach, which felt fine, is
definitely not fine. I think I threwup everything I ate. Gross.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:20 PM
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After writing the last entry...and feeling weak from not
having kept any food down I passed out. I had nice dreams
though. I woke up and asked Mark if he'd install some stuff
on my computer but then he went right back to sleep. I
emptied the clean dishes from the dishwasher; scrubbed the
food off the dirty one and put them in the dishwasher. I had
a few gulps of a healthy, vitamin-rich-smoothie and I'm
hoping I can keep that down and get some energy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:11 PM
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   Friday, June 3, 2011

I've kept some food down. I watched some 'inside the actors
studio' and last week's Nurse Jackie. I chatted. I think I might
try to read a bit. I may have to take this weekend a bit slow
because of some stress and stomach problems. Blah.

Because I was up though I was able to make Mark his
breakfast and get him up for work. He slept a long
time...which I'm happy about, yet I'd hoped he'd help me with
some BSG stuff. Oh well. He needed his rest. I hope he has a
good day.

I can't believe today is Friday. Tonight will be a week since
that horrible night at Necto. Also, tomorrow is Michael's 39th
Birthday. Blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:04 AM
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Mark just left for work.

I just remembered that tomorrow is the mid-season finale of
Doctor Who. Crazy. Oh. And the new X-Men movie opened
today. Once I've worked on my farmtown game I think I
might read a bit and then sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:54 AM
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I stayed up longer than expected and I picked up a Robotech
book to read but then I fell asleep almost as soon as my head
touched the pillow. Woke up around 2pm. Read the news.
Gen left a comment on my Facebook page. I'm wondering if I
should delete and block her...and why I didn't do so sooner,
yet maybe this means she's made up with Mark? I don't know.
I've not talked to him since he left this morning. I've been
trying to call Mollie every few hours but so far she's not
responded.

I'm gonna make some cinnimon rolls. It's not that I'm craving
them, but for some reason I often have an easier time
keeping those down than a lot of the other foods I have right
now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:57 PM
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I burnt my food but made the most of it. I watched some
Rachel Maddow. Hoping my stomach will be ok. It looks
really great outside but I'm not sure I can do much. :(

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:40 PM
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So much for me keeping the food down. I'm trying not to be
depressed about this but it isn't easy. Sometimes my illness
just gets worse for a week or two; it doesn't usually last
longer than that. Even when I was medicated there were
cycles where the pills wouldn't help...though if this is a
longer than normal cycle... Or...actually, it just feels like it's
been worse lately too... Maybe I'll have that surgery. I really
wish I could get some relief. :(

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:22 PM
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I guess Mark & Gen are speaking again though they might
not date anymore - which I'm hoping for actually as I can't
stand her. A week ago at this time I liked her but now she
just represents crazy awful bitch person in my head - and
reminds me of Michael too much in that I had to always be
careful what I said or did around Michael or he'd go off...and
now we have her and she's the same way, even if her
reactions are different. I deleted my pictures of her; deleted
her from my friend list on Facebook and blocked her. I don't
want anything to do with her.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:05 PM
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   Saturday, June 4, 2011

Mark & I worked on BSG stuff...but we're still getting
screwed. I'm trying something different now, though I'm not
sure I know what I'm doing. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:01 AM
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So I've made some BSG progress. I think the problem is with
"Razor" itself. I'm not ready to give up on that yet, but I've
manaaged to nearly finish an edit of the pilot to Caprica,
which is the first chronological episode anyways. My version
combines the sex / nudity of the uncut dvd, the completed
special effects sequences of the television version, and a
deleted scene that wasn't featured in either of the released
versions, which has new footage of Joseph, Willie & the scary
Tauron grandma; nice. :) I still need to edit the deleted scene
and then mix it in with the ending...but if that all goes well,
then I'll have my first special extended cut. Not all of the
episodes have deleted scenes, or useable deleted scenes; the
series finale for instance doesn't have any...which is too bad,
but it ends well enough on it's own I suppose. I've also
managed to keep some food down for the first time in over a
week....which is awesome. But I'm tired and starting to get a
headache. I'd go to bed but Mark is gonna help me with the
deleted scene in a bit so that I can do them on my own later,
as he'll be gone all day.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:31 AM
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I got Mark up and made him breakfast. I spoke to Mollie for a
bit and might be able to talk to her more once my computer
is finished converting my first completed Caprica extended
cut. I'm calling it the "Complete Version", as it combines the
nudity / sex of the 'Unrated Extended Cut' and the special
effects, dialogue & locales of the televised version, along
with a deleted scene that doesn't appear in either of those
previously released versions. Awesome. Now Mollie & Travis
will be able to see the complete version of the series the first
time out. Fun. Oh, and Carrie's not seen it yet either. :)

There are only 17 more episodes of Caprica, and at least 1 or
2 of them have no deleted scenes I think...yet I may do my
best to include something extra. We'll see. There are also
episodes of BSG with no deleted scenes but I suppose simply
putting them in chronological order is a bit of an extra on it's
own. This is fun. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:11 AM
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I fell asleep while my vob file was converting to avi. I woke up
smiling that the first part of my project was done...only it's
messed up like the others. I'm not sure why. As a vob it
works beautifully but as an avi it's frakked up. Hmmmm.
That's still progress as this is the first time I've been able to
create a finished version in any format that DID work. Maybe
that will help point me in the right direction for next time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:32 PM
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Mark & I had an intense talk about Gen...and Michael, and my
continued recovery of the abuse he inflicted upon me. I wept.
I'm still very broken by the things that Michael did to
me...which I somehow allowed him to do. I don't understand
it myself. Mark was awesome about it though.

It appears that I'm reading Robotech.

I've still not been able to download the finale of Who :(

However - I managed to find a way to make my first
successful complete avi version of a BSG Universe
installment...and since it's the first chronological installment
of that universe, that's sort of cool :) I can now procede with
the other Caprica episodes.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:15 PM
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   Sunday, June 5, 2011

I found I could edit avi format as well and I made a new
extended cut of "A Disquiet Follows My Soul"; this one
combines the extended DVD cut with a scene edited out of
"The Face of the Enemy" webisodes...and it works beautifully.
This so cool. When I'm finished, I'll have the most complete
BSG files available to me; I'll have the whole story at last. Of
course there's a new pilot for a new series coming soon
("Blood & Chrome") and I look forward to that as well.

I'm downloading the mid-season finale of Doctor Who, "A
Good Man Goes to War".

I slept a bit. I feel super spacey.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:44 AM
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   Monday, June 6, 2011

Sunday was odd. I slept a lot. I read a little. I watched the
mid-season finale of Doctor Who ("A Good Man Goes To
War") twice. I worked on some stuff. My stomach seemed
to calm down quite a bit more than it has been doing
lately...perhaps because my intake of prilosec has
increaded to it's former dose thanks to help from Mark.

I haven't finished any more extended BSG cuts. The
installments I have finished so far are:

001 Caprica 1x01 Pilot
043 BSG 2x10 Pegasus
088 BSG 4x12 A Disquiet Follows My Soul
095 BSG 4x18 Islanded in a Stream of Stars

Not much really. Especially since the "Pegaus" & "Islanded
in a Stream of Stars" are just the extended cuts from the
DVDs with no added footage (because there isn't any) and
that I may redo "A Disquiet Follows My Soul" as Mark
swears I can get even more quality out of it.

I'm doing laundry. I cleaned my room. I'm doing the
dishes. I emptied the trash. I scrubbed the kitchen.

I'm playing Farmtown again. It's not that it's productive,
cause it's not...but I've noticed that it relaxes me...and
anything that relaxes me right now is a very, very good
thing.

About Doctor Who...the mid-series finale, which is part IV
of V (or so it seems) felt very much like an RTD
story...which is cool. It featured lots of returning
characters and situations...which was fun, and though
some of the returning characters were from episodes I
don't like ("Victory of the Daleks" / "The Curse of the Black
Spot")...that kind of forces me to like those crappy
episodes a bit more. There were also payoffs for those
paying attention in the horrible Weeping Angel episodes of
last season so that helps with those episodes as well. It
was revealed who River Song is, sort of, and some other
stuff was explained and there were twists - however I'd
guessed all of that in advance - which left me wondering
why I enjoyed the episode so much...and then I looked at
the new characters. Madame Vastra / Jenny / Strax / &
Lorna Bucket were all fantastic new characters who I'd
LOVE to see more of. The episode was VERY LGBT
inclusive with Vastra / Jenny & Fat One / Thin One - I
know it might seem weird but I just LOVE when they have
LGBT characters in SciFi / Fantasy shows now because
they're so rare that they feel very fresh...any time there's
the slightest gay reference it brings me joy. Again, the
returning characters / aliens (11, Amy, Rory, River, Danny
Boy, Dorium, Madame Kovarian, Captain Avery & Toby, the
Silurians, the Judoon, the Sontarans, the Cybermen, the
Military Clerics & the Headless Monks) were also
welcomed. Fun.

The only thing I didn't love about the finale...and this is
something that's been building since last season - where
are the answers? So many questions now and so few
answers. It's got me a bit worried because I don't want
Doctor Who to turn into LOST or X-Files where you're all
but promised answers that are never given to you. Ugh.
Still, for now, I'm quite enjoying the episodes of Doctor
Who we've gotten this year. Here's how I'd rate them:

01 Space [Part I] ****
02 Time [Part II] ****

Fun mini-episodes that would rate 5 stars if they were
more important than they are. But still, great fun. It's not
clear where these mini-episodes fit in with the rest but I'll
figure that out later I'm sure.

03 Prequel 01 [Part I] ****
04 The Impossible Astronaut [Part II} *****
05 Day of the Moon [Part III] *****

A fantastic 3 part story which raises lots of still to be
answered questions, yet is packed with AWESOME. If the
questions are answered well these episodes will remain
classics. If they are answered poorly then that might drag
these episodes down a bit.

06 Prequel 02 [Part I] ****
07 The Curse of the Black Spot [Part II] **

I have problems with 'Curse'. It's a good story at heart but
it feels rushed and some of the logic seems faulty...and
then there's a really big plot hole that's very clearly a
horrible flub in continuity that it's just really annoying.

08 The Doctor's Wife ****

A great stand alone episode. I'd have given it 5 stars...yet
it just doesn't quite do it for me. I don't know...it feels like
something's missing here but maybe I'll enjoy it more the
2nd time around?

09 The Rebel Flesh [Part I] ***
10 The Almost People [Part II] ****
11 Prequel 03 [Part III] ****
12 A Good Man Goes To War [Part IV] *****

I may enjoy "The Rebel Flesh" / "The Almost People" more
the 2nd time around; I'm not sure. It felt like we were
(again) getting bits of story with a lot held back to be
explained later, which again makes these stories feel
incomplete and like I don't know how to feel about them
until all the answers are given.

The "Prequel" mini and the Mid-Season Finale were better.
I enjoyed all the continuity in the Preqeul installment and
then "A Good Man Goes To War" was enjoyable for all the
reasons I've already listed in my random review. lol.

Anyways. More to do.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:28 AM
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   Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I chatted for a bit last night. I was frustrated though and
cranky. I eventually took a nap. I woke up wanting to work
on my BSG project and went over several deleted scenes.
I'm working on Caprica at the moment and hope to finish
an episode or two, but it's complicated by unfinished
special effects (which I may or may not be able to edit so
that they can be reinserted). Mark offered that I might just
put in the unfinished sequences as people have
imaginations and they'll get it...and he has a point...I may
even end up doing a cut like that, I just think if I can find a
better way that I should.

Ooh. They've announced the titles of the final 3 The Sarah
Jane Adventures stories:

5x01 Sky, Part I
5x02 Sky, Part II
by Phil Ford

5x03 The Curse of Clyde Langer, Part I
5x04 The Curse of Clyde Langer, Part II
by Gareth Roberts

&

5x05 The Man Who Wasn't There, Part I
5x06 The Man Who Wasn't There, Part II
by Phil Ford

It's been said that these would have originally been stories
1, 2 & 6 (6 being the season finale) and that Luke will be
appearing the final story. Perhaps the final story will have
a bit of closure? Or perhaps they may add a voice over or
something to give it more of an ending sort of a feel? I
hope so.

It's apparently also been said that these stories will air in
October? So we have Torchwood (both Miracle Day & Web
of Lies) from July - September, then Doctor Who from
September - October or November. And Sarah Jane in
October / November. The Doctor Who Christmas Special in
December. I suspect we'll be getting at least 1 more mini-
episode of Who as well.

As for the writers of these final Sarah Jane stories, Phil
Ford has written many Sarah Jane episodes in the past,
including several of my favorites and none of my least
favorites. He also wrote the animated Who story
Dreamland, which he worked into 2 stories of Sarah Jane
("Prisoner of the Judoon" & "The Vault of Secrets") and he
co-wrote the best of the final 10th Doctor Specials: "The
Waters of Mars". He also wrote the amazingly fun
"Something Borrowed" episode of Torchwood. Gareth
Roberts has also written many Sarah Jane stories including
all the appearances of my favorite villain, the Trickster,
along with some really good Who episodes, including
"Attack of the Graske", "The Shakespeare Code", "The
Unicorn and the Wasp", "The Lodger" & the upcoming 12th
episode of Season 6, which has yet to reveal it's title but is
something of a sequel to "The Lodger"; he also cowrote
the ok 10th Doctor Special "Planet of the Dead". I think
we're in good hands. I just hope that none of the stories
feature the Slitheen, as they've been played to death on
that series.

I made Mark breakfast and got him up for work. He has to
be in early today as he's leaving early to spend time with
his girlfriend. I'm sending along a peace offering; a
thumbdrive filled with Doctor Whoniverse episodes, after
she expressed interest in seeing more Who.

Mark's getting out of the shower. I'm going to have a
shake and some pain killer (my neck and back and head
started hurting about an hour ago).

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:41 AM
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So Monday was pretty horrible. I keep drifting in and out
of depression. There are moments when I think everything
is ok...and then I come crashing down again. I pick myself
up...and then...I don't know.

It doesn't help that everytime I make plans lately I have to
cancel them because Mark has plans with Gen. It's
seriously happened like 5 times now or something.
Tonight it was nearly comical. He asked me if I knew
where 'Lilo & Stich' was, and the reason that it wasn't on
the shelf where it usually is, was that I'd taken it to my
room earlier when I found out he was going to see Gen
tomorrow - something to watch while remember the good
Jason / Mark days - only he had made plans to watch that
EXACT movie with her. Ugh. I nearly lost it. I really nearly
lost it. This is after that horrible weekend where she
ruined the whole thing, and then me cancelling my plans
on Sunday so that Mark could see her, and me cancelling
my plans this Friday because he's going to see her, and I
later told him that the next time I have plans I get to have
my plans because it shouldn't be this one sided. I'll
probably never watch 'Lilo & Stitch' ever again as it is. :*(

Anyways, Mark is grumpy too. And tired. And we keep
bitching and then hugging it out. I just wish there was a
way I could deal...only all the things I do to deal with stuff
seems impossible to me right now. I honestly feel
hopeless a lot of the time. And I don't know what to do to
stop feeling hopeless.

I DID however figure out some stuff related to my
Complete BSG project so I should be able to work on some
Caprica in the next few days. Also, Mark was nice enough
to take the time to convert some Doctor Who FLV files for
me so I have them as AVIs now.

I feel tired and stressed and I don't like it. I'd go to Necto
but I feel like staying in and crying. Like...I don't want to
deal with people. Mark asked me the other day if I'd feel
better if I had a boyfriend but I don't think I would...I
honestly don't think I could handle one at the moment...I
get horny of course, but I don't know or like anyone
enough to have sex with them. Well, that's not true...there
are a couple guys that I know and like well enough...I'm
just not certain it's a good idea. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:56 PM
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   Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Yesterday I worked on a side project for much of the day,
which went nowhere...and I was dogged by a horrible
headache. I did however finish my rewatch of the 12
episodes of Who that we've gotten this year, which I quite
enjoyed. I put the first season of Whon on a thumbdrive
for Gen as a peace offering and wished Mark well on his
trip; he said he'd be back that night or that he'd call if he
decided to crash there. He never called and he's still not
home.

I chatted with a guy named Angelo, that I had met online a
few years ago when I was dating Michael. He admitted that
when he saw I had a boyfriend before he was jealous and
that now that I was single he was interested. We talked for
a few hours. It was nice. He's 33 I think. He's tall. And he
was fun to talk to. We might go out Friday night.

I also spoke to Travis for awhile. He finished BSG, though
he's yet to see the webisodes or The Plan. He loved the
finale of the show for the same reasons I did and he's
anxious to rewatch it, just as I told him he would be...but
he's waiting for my extended cuts.

After I got off the phone with Travis I worked on the next
installment of Caprica (1x02 "Rebirth") which I got a lot
done on, though what's left is going to take a lot of effort.
I was able to incorporate many deleted scenes...including
one that I creatively edited so that the incomplete special
effects never appear on screen. I want to try somethiung
similar with another scene which will be much more
complicated as it involves laying down the audio of the
scene over footage I'll have to link together to make it
appear something is happening...which it's not. lol.
So...very tricky. I saved my work and I'll get back to it later
probably.

I read some more Robotech. It's like catching up with old
friends.

Doctor Who has been renewed for next season with 14
episodes and Matt Smith back as the 11th Doctor. No
word on Amy or Rory, which doesn't surprise me as I
suspect they'll be leaving the series as the main
companions after the current season, though I also
suspect they will be recurring guest stars.

I'm sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:22 AM
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Mark got home around 8am, and apologised for not calling.
He left for work and I then managed to sleep for almost 8
hours, which hasn't happened in awhile. I had a scary
nightmare of boyfriend figures molesting a child (Jamie) and
this leading to me trying to leave...and then bloodletting. It
was intense.

I joined Mark at his lockpicking meeting and got to talk to
people about BSG / Caprica / Star Trek / Firefly & Doctor
Who. Lots of fun for me. Mark & I went to Little Caesars and I
ate just the right amount I think so that I won't be sick. We'll
see. My headache is back AGAIN. It's been awhile since I had
such a rough cluster migrain. I'm really NOT enjoying it.

I've not worked on Caprica today. I'll probably work on it a bit
tonight. The squence I'm working on is just very complicated
and I'm not sure I have the energy to deal with it at the
moment.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:21 PM
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   Thursday, June 9, 2011

I chatted a bit. I traded some messages with friend. I got the
latest Nurse Jackie, though I've not watched it yet. I still need
to get the latest episodes of "Game of Thrones", "The Killing",
"Graham Norton" & "United States of Tara". I should get "Teen
Wolf" as well and check that out. In what has become a rare
treat, I've got the new Chelsea Lately. I think I might have a
snack and watch that...then I'll probably read a bit and go to
sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:31 AM
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I ended up not going to sleep after the last entry. I
watched Nurse Jackie, Chelsea Lately & Caprica. And then I
finished my edit of episode 2 of Caprica, which turned out
beautifully. I got Mark up for work; he helped me with my
conversion of the file and then he left and I slept for 8
wonderful hours.

Waking, I had a shake as Mark headed out to a friend's.
Then his girlfriend, who I'm trying to mend fences with,
yet get ill just thinking of her, texted me. I'd asked her not
to. That she couldn't keep herself from contacting me
doesn't bode well in my opinion. It was a polite text that
thanked me for my recent gift of Season 27 of the
Whoniverse...and then that she's falling for Mark and she
hopes we can be friends. I would like us to be friends
too...yet I need some time to distance some stuff, which is
why I asked her not to contact me...only she did. This
raises a red flag. Also, the fact that she's falling for Mark,
despite the fact that she broke up with him via text last
week...is just weird. It's not weird that she's falling for
Mark because he's AWESOME on many, many levels...but
it's weird that she says she's falling for him so soon after
breaking up with him simply because he didn't call her
back right away, when she knew he was walking
downtown and had told her he'd call back when he got
home. I'm not sure if I should respond. I'm not sure how I
feel about the text. It just seems like something she could
have relayed through Mark without doing something that I
asked her not to do. It's just...lately, no matter what I ask
or plan, I don't get what I'm wanting because of
her...which makes it difficult to like her...especially since I
can't express my being upset to her because then she
freaks out. It's frustrating. Add to that, that we're both
attention whores and there's only 1 Mark and I've been
trying to limit my contact with him when he's with her so
that she can have her time with him...yet she doesn't seem
to extend the same courtesy to me. I just feel like I'm
getting the short end of the stick here and it sucks. And
now I'm puking again, when I haven't in 24 hours. Nice.
Thanks for that.

I have a doctor's appointment a week from tomorrow at
which I'm going to ask that I be allowed to have the
surgery that sometimes helps people with my condition. I
don't want back on the meds because even though they
helped me, they're very dangerous and they take away all
my limited energy - plus I take far too much medication as
it is. Perhaps the surgery will help? I won't know until I try
and it seems like my best option now...but I'm terrified.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:00 PM
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   Friday, June 10, 2011

After the last entry I showered and shaved and had a
conversation about the Watchmen film on Facebook. Then I
dressed and went for a walk where I ended up the Aut Bar. I
wasn't planning on staying but I ran into Jeff and then Tom,
and then a kid named Jay who said that we'd met about 5
years ago, though I didn't quite remember him. Good night
with Tom. I texted Mark so when he got home he'd know
where I am and a short time later he wandered in as well,
having walked from home also. Mark had a black russian and
there was conversation and laughter. Eventually we headed
home and it had cooled down a lot; my arms and head were
cold; about 3 quarters of the way home Mark gave me his
long sleeved shirt to wear. I had cinnimon rolls when we got
home...and I killed this monster sized ant that crawled out
from under our fridge. It makes me want to move that sucker
and clean everything! After eating I actually fell asleep and I
just woke up.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:20 AM
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I worked on an extended cut of "Someone to Watch Over
Me" (a fantastic episode of BSG) as I had all the bits on my
computer already. Everything was going great...until all
the bits were edited in and saved and then it went all
wonky. I wish Mark & I could figure out exactly what the
problem is cause it's driving me crazy.

I dreamt about Kara Thrace before being woken up by a
call from Mark. It was raining and he wanted to be picked
up. I moved slow...I'd taken a Fioricet earlier for a
headache and it stays in my system for awhile, plus my
headache was back as well. Ugh. I got dressed. I rubbed in
some sunblock, which I'm nearly out of, about to put my
shoes on when Mark called back to say he could now take
the bus. Part of me was mad because I'd just been woken
from great dream, with a headache, and just wasted my
sunblock...but part of me was grateful too because my
head felt like it was going to explode and I probably
shouldn't be driving. This means I won't be driving him to
Gen's place either and that I won't get to go out tonight. I
had a tentative date set for tonight but I've not heard back
from him so that might mean that his other plans came
through (he was supposed to go to Cedar Point with some
coworkers tomorrow but when I spoke to him he'd said
those plans were looking unlikley. Anyways...I really don't
care about any of that. I just want my headache to go
away. :(

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:48 PM
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Mark's mad at me. He came home and we hugged and he
said he felt worn down. He had told me that he'd be
coming home Saturday or Sunday which I was fine with. I
had just taken a prilosec though and realized that I only
had 1 left which I'll have to take around 5am, and then I'll
need my script filled by 5pm, so I told him I needed him
back tomorrow; I didn't think this would be a problem as
he already said that he might be back tomorrow, and
because I wasn't asking him to cancel his plans the way
I've had to cancel mine at almost every instance of late - I
was just asking to curtail them a bit - which he'd already
said was a possibility. He was pissed. He'd told me this
morning that if I needed anything from the store that I
should go while he was at work; I did consider going but
realized not only did I have enough groceries to last me
until Sunday, my foodstamps wouldn't be renewed until
then. I was also very tired and getting ready for bed - it
would be like me telling him he need to go to the store if
he needed anything for the next couple of days while he
was getting ready for bed - but because I'm sleeing in the
daylight hours that's somehow not as important. His
answer was that there's a bus that goes to the drug store.
He knows that I don't take the bus because of my
stomach. And once again I feel victimized by my
condition. If I didn't have the hope of my doctor's
appointment on Friday and the possible help of that
surgery I'd be so suicidal at this point. I've thrown up
nearly every day for 10 almost 10 years. I do have good
days though, so let's just say I've thrown up every day for
9 years. It's not fun. It's exhausting. It's gross. And it has
curtailed so much of my life at this point that it's like I'm
barely living.

This is very upsetting. I've cancelled my plans again and
again for him of late. And today, he woke me up with a
phone call to see if I could pick him up despite me not
getting enough sleep, being drugged, and having a
migraine and I said I'd do it without bitching at all. I feel
like I've given up a lot to allow him to have his budding
relationship, but when I need a favor I'm treated like it's
some sort of outragious demand...and I'm left thinking
why are his plans more important than mine? Even when I
was in a relationship, and he needed the car to see family
or friends, his needs always came before mine and I just
assumed that at some point when I needed something the
favor would be returned. I guess I was wrong.

It just hit me that I should have asked if we could go fill
my perscription before he left...then he might have been
late but he could have stayed until Sunday without me
being deprived of my medication. Ugh. Damned drugs.
Mark didn't think of it either though so I guess we're both
pretty stupid.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:33 PM
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On a cheery note, my headache is gone again and this music
from BSG is really beautiful. I need to stop thinking of the
negative or I'm gonna be sick. I'll muddle through somehow.
I just have to stay positive, which is getting harder and
harder. I need pull myself out of this somehow or I'm not
going to survive.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:16 PM
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I just realized we have these generic prilosec pills I can take.
They generally don't work as well for me, but I could take
those in the morning, and then my last prilosec at night and
it could probably tide me over until Mark gets back on
Sunday. I texted him the news...though I don't think he was
planning on coming back for me anyways - but didn't want
to risk him coming back on Saturday and being pissed that I
took him at his word when he told me to take the bus. Again,
it makes me sad to think that he wouldn't do this for me
when he said that he might be back on Saturday and
considering all the sacrifices I've made for him in just the last
few weeks, but I'm going to try to just... Ugh. I'm crying. This
putting on a happy face isn't as easy as it sounds. I was fine
just 20 minutes ago. Part of me wants to go back to bed and
hide. The other part wants to read or chat or do something.
My tentative date has been cancelled, which is fine with me
as I don't feel up for it now anyways, but I may get to see him
tomorrow...or next week. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:29 PM
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   Saturday, June 11, 2011

I ate after the last entry, managing to keep it all down, and
then slept for a few hours, waking around 12:30am. I chatted
for a bit. I worked on my farmtown, adding about 100 trees. I
then decided to give that last BSG episode another go, just to
see if I could maybe get it to work...and I did!!! :) The
complete version of "Someone to Watch Over Me" runs just a
little over 3 minutes longer than the aired version (with 6
scenes restored) and makes a fantastic episode just that
much better. I tried the new conversation process that Mark
showed me but I messed it up somehow so I'll just keep the
completed original on ice until Mark can help me with the
conversation process. I now have basically 6 completed
installments out of 96 (including an installment that hasn't
been released yet - which may or may not lead to another tv
series). What to edit next? I should be working on
Caprica...yet I'd love to finish BSG 4.5 as though episodes are
so much fun. Hmmm.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:22 AM
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I edited another BSG episode: "Sometimes A Great Notion".
The episode was a favorite of mine when it aired. The new
version runs about 5 minutes longer and includes another
sequence featuring Kara & Leoben searching for her Viper;
Baltar giving a sermon featuring an encounter with Caprica
Six and words that foreshadow Roslin reaching Earth. And a
scene of Tigh remembering Ellen...and him standing on the
beach with Caprica Six. It makes sense that Tigh would
remember Ellen at the beach; in "No Exit" Sam remembers
going to the beach because Ellen loved the water. Neat.
Again, I'll have to wait for Mark to convert these, but I think
it's probably safe to scratch another one off the list. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:30 AM
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I finished editing another BSG episode: "Downloaded". That's
8 that I've finished so far. I've been working on others
too...but I'm getting very tired and my thoughts are running
together. I'll probably sleep soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:17 AM
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I slept well today, after watching my extended cut of BSG
4x18 "Someone to Watch Over Me", which was awesome. I
woke once after having a nightmare that Michael Slaughter
was strangling me...and I heard noises that I thought were in
the condo but then nobody was here so I went back to sleep
where my dreams were more pleasant. After waking the 2nd
time I chatted a bit and read the news...then I watched
Caprica 1x03 "Reins of a Waterfall". I know where 2 of the
deleted scenes go in the episode...but there are 2 more
which need effects work...which I may not be able to do
because the backgrounds won't match up; perhaps I'll come
up with some sort of compromise to make the best out of
what I have. We'll see.

I jacked off for the first time in days and it was fantastic :) lol.
I really needed that. I hadn't showered in like 36 hours, which
is not like me at all, but that felt great too. I took my last
prilosec earlier. I need to eat soon, and may work on Caprica
after that...or read, or possibly just watch the next episode
so I can see what I have to work on next.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:56 PM
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   Sunday, June 12, 2011

After eating, I again slept. I had more nightmares about
Michael Slaughter. I don't know why I'm getting these creepy
recurring nightmares about him now. I'd have understood it a
few months ago but now? I know that on several levels I'm
still healing from the damage he did, but I didn't expect him
to show up in my dreams so frequently; it's sort of freaking
me out.

I've been working on my Farm Town again. I've added oodles
of trees, which I meant to do ages ago. I added at least
another hundred and probably more. Coconut trees, rubber
trees, plum trees, cherry trees, lemon trees, maple, cedar,
pine, peach, mulberry, apple, orange, pear, cranberry,
walnut, apricot, avocado, fig, cocoa... Trees are cool cause
they produce stuff all the time and you don't have to take
care of them. And if you have a lot of them, well, you get the
stuff faster, obviously. I want to play some more today, but
I'd like to do other stuff too.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:39 AM
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I edited 2 more Caprica episodes. It was easy once I decided
to scrap the scenes with incomplete effects. I did that for a
number of reasons. First off, the backgrounds I needed for
the images to match the audio weren't going to match up; it
would have ended up looking janky. Then I'm pretty sure the
guy doing the voice for Surge during these incompleted
scenes isn't the same voice actor in the completed sequences
so that wasn't going to match either. Then there was the fact
that I'd have to reuse the footage...and how that would
probably be noticed by just about anyone as there are only
18 episodes of the whole series. Add all that together and
the scenes just didn't seem justified, though I hated to lose
them just the same. I now have 10 episodes of my project
finished, though I still have to convert several of them. I want
to continue with Caprica though cause I'm loving it again.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:30 PM
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I cleaned up my room a bit. Sorted some of the clutter and
made my bed. I tossed out a lot of junk. Listening to some
music.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:24 PM
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I emptied the dishwasher; loaded the dirty dishes (after
scrubbing them) and put Mark's new smaller cups (for
alcohol) in the dishwasher too. I scrubbed the counters. I'm
doing some laundry. I sorted the trash and recycle stuff. I
should probably vacume the carpets and scrub the toilet; I'm
getting pretty tired though. I was hoping to go for a walk
today as well, but I'm afraid I'll pass out or something...and
Mark isn't around to come pick me up. Oh well.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:52 PM
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I've done more laundry. Started the dishes. Scrubbed the
toilet. Shaved and trimmed (though I'm not done). Listening
to Catherine Wheel. My eyes are burning from being up so
long.

I wonder when Mark is coming home?

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:56 PM
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Finished shaving / showering. Texted Mark about his coming
home as some friends will be at the bar tonight and I'd like to
see them; it's just a question of me getting some sleep I
think. My stomach is acidy from the generic prilosec which
never really works for me...I just toughed it out so Mark
could have his weekend fun, and I really did hope for the
best...I even thought it was working this time, but apparently
not. Ugh.

I'm very tired. I should see if my clothes are ready to get out
of the dryer, and then maybe I can sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:16 PM
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My last load of clothes weren't dry when I checked so I put
them through again. I emptied some of the dishes from the
dishwasher but a lot of those weren't dry either so I put them
through the heating cycle again. Mark had to go back to
Gen's to get his laptop so I took a nap. I have friends at the
Blind Pig tonight and might go. I feel like I could...I'm hungry
though and not sure I can eat which is problematic. My nap
was enjoyable. I dreamt about Caprica a bit I think.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:05 PM
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   Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Sunday night was devastating...but needed. Mark & I had a
long conversation. I opened up about how bad things are
getting with my stomach and my depression. I cried a lot.
But I (unsurprisingly) felt better after.

Monday I slept pretty much all day. Then when I got up,
Mark and I cuddled for a bit and we both slept some more!
Crazy. Later on I got a message from Jonathan and I called
him. He and Shawn broke up 2 weeks ago but they're
doing better than ever. I guess the last few years have
been pretty rough on them; I had no idea. Anyways, we're
renewing our old friendship after 5 years of not talking.
Fun.

Tuesday morning (and through the Monday night hours) I
got Mark to do his homework, and then made him his
breakfast and got him out to work on time. I caught up on
the last 4 episodes of 'Game of Thrones' the finale is on
this Sunday and I'm now loving the series. I liked it right
away but it's really shaped up into something very special.
I got to talk to Mollie on Skype which is always a treat.
Later I made plans to go to my grandmother's this
morning to take family pictures. Then I walked downtown
with a burned disc of the latest Doctor Who episodes for
my friend Johnny. I went to Starbucks and hung out with
him for a few hours. It was such a nice afternoon and my
stomach wasn't upset for once (but I hadn't really had
much to eat either). I later met Mark to walk home with
him and it was all beautiful, but I'd been up since around
midnight and it was now around 7:30pm and I went to
sleep. While I was sleeping, Mark worked out some kinks
in the conversion process and I'm not converting the
episodes I edited on the weekend. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:32 AM
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   Friday, June 17, 2011

After the last entry I finished converting all the BSG /
Caprica episodes save 1, which I think I screwed up. That
took many hours. Then I drove out to Milan to visit my
family and take pictures. I had a great day with my parents
& grandparents. I got big hugs from my dad who showed
me around his garden. I got some great pictures I think.
We'll see. Then I went to the bank to deposit some money.
I went home and ate. Then later I walked downtown with
another disc for JV (the 2nd season of the 2009 version of
V) and walked home with Mark before he headed out to
see Gen. I went to bed.

Thursday I had a migraine and upset stomach. It sucked. I
played Farm Town and read the news but mostly just
rested.

This morning I edited the "No Exit" episode of BSG, putting
4 deleted scenes back in, plus some deleted scenes from
"The Plan" & "Daybreak". It's pretty cool. It took several
hours though. I have a doctor's appointment today and I
may go for a walk. After Mark gets home from work he's
going to Gen's while I sleep, and he'll be home around
midnight so I can go to Necto. Then Gen is coming over
tomorrow and I'm going to try to not be here.

Gen texted me again this morning though I have no clue
what she said. I deleted it. I also again asked Mark to
block her number from sending me texts. I don't mind
that they're dating and I'm happy that Mark is happy...but
I'm not ready for the her & me part yet.

I should eat and get ready or something. I feel groggy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:46 AM
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My migraine is back. :( And my stomach is upset again. Blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:46 AM
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I got my headache under control, and then Mark & I walked
to my doctor's appointment. The surgery and medication I
needed aren't covered by insurance but they're gonna start
me on another option on Monday. Also gonna try to see a
shrink because while the last few days have been good -
when it's bad lately it's really bad and I don't think I can do it
alone anymore.

After the hospital Mark & I went for a great walk in the Arb &
downtown. I came home. I was going to sleep and then Mark
was going to Gen's but come back around midnight so I
could go to the bar...only Gen is coming here now so I need
to get out of here. Oh. And of course the bitch wants to go to
Necto, which was my plan. Only now I'm so fucking tired for
zero sleep...I'm bound to get very cranky. :( I feel like she's
ruining my plans again. It's like all she ever does.

I was gonna just ditch tomorrow because the plan was she
was spending the night then...but now it's basically the whole
weekend. :(

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:52 PM
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   Saturday, June 18, 2011

So...Carrie was going to take me in last night as we're both
needing some love but then I got a horrible headache (of
course) which when it was finally gone, or nearly so, I
joined Mark & Gen at the bar. Gen and I made nice - and
we're getting along now. I hope it lasts because it's much
easier on me when we do, and it's probably also easier on
Mark & Gen.

Gen was going to Necto to see her ex-gf, who is my
cousin Kristen's current gf. I got to meet her; she seems
really cool.

There was no parking anywhere because top-of-the-park
started last night, so I parked at Aut Bar and walked to
Necto. While walking there I got a text from Caleb; this
boy I met at Necto several years ago. We got on hot and
heavy that night but he was with people and had to go. We
chatted online a few times after that, and he was friends
with one of Michael Slaughter's roomies when they lived in
Taylor - leading to a moment in which Caleb told Michael
that he knew me and that he'd made out with me and
made Michael extremely jealous - which bothered me at
the time, but now makes me laugh about. :)

Anyways...the text asked what I was doing and I
responded that I was walking to Necto. I figured he was
there because otherwise the text would be pretty random,
which wasn't like him. Sure enough, he spotted me just
after I entered the bar and was my companion the entire
time we were there. Mark bought me some drinks, which
mixed with my pain killer got me super buzzed...which led
to oral sex in the mens room. ;0)

Jason Lyons (BaldJason2) was there as well and it was
great to see him! I felt weird macking on a boy in front of
him, but I so beyond buzzed that I found it hard to curb
my impulses...and everyone seemed to be getting along.

I also ran into Shane again. Shane is this amazing guy,
who last I saw him, I got his number but I thought we
weren't compatible - only last night he told me we are.
Hmmm. I had a HUGE crush on him years ago and he still
looks AMAZING. :)

So...anyways...Jason left. Then Mark, Gen, Caleb and I
went to Pizza House. I couldn't eat because I hadn't slept
in so long and I didn't want to get sick. It was mostly
drama free except when some guy pounced on Caleb in
the mens room (a theme of the night) and I physically had
to pull him off of him.

After Pizza House, Mark & Gen dropped us off back at
Necto as Caleb had people he needed to drive home and
Mark & Gen wanted to go home to fuck. Caleb asked me
to go with him to drop off the people so he could then
come home with me. The ride was incredibly long and the
people were fucking annoying....also I'd been awake for
about 27 hours so I was crashing hard. We went to Aut Bar
to get my car but when we got back to the condo sexual
hijinks occured. It didn't go exactly as planned but fun
was had and we learned we had a lot in common, which I
liked. He cuddled for a bit but had to leave to go to a work
meeting. I had a snack and then slept.

When a text from Caleb woke me Gen & Mark were gone,
having showered and headed out to breakfast and
shopping. Caleb was home, having showered and changed
and was now understandably exhausted. I expected we'd
go out again, and let him go. He didn't repond to my text
about possibly hanging out again but I assumed he was
asleep - only he was on Manhunt. I suppose I should be
upset about that...and I was for about 5 seconds...and
then it was gone.

Caleb is HOT. And he's funny. He's cute and he tastes
good and he likes a lot of the same movies, tv shows,
books & music that I do. However, he did just get out of a
2 year relationship so he's probably got some serious
baggage he needs to work through, which I can relate too.
He & I also might not be completely compatible sexually; I
suspect that while he's versatile, he's more of a
bottom...and that's fine. We have enough in common to
enjoy each other and I'm glad we did...but maybe we'll end
up being friends instead which would be fantastic. Of
course I could be reading this all wrong and maybe we'll
continue on as lovers. I really don't know. But I'm not
gonna have this get all dramatic or write it off as a
mistake....because it was fun and like him. Hopefully we'll
get something more out of this...be it more sexy time or a
cool friendship.

Oh. And I LOVE that me hooking up with him would have
made Michael jealous and if I could go back in time I'd
have hooked up with him back then. :)

This guy Daryl that I've spoken to off and on over the last
few years online wants to go on a date sometime
soon...possibly a friend thing...maybe more. We'll see how
that goes. I'm just gonna go with the flow and see where it
takes me. I'm gonna hold on to the good and try to
channel any badness into oblivion, or at least something
more positive. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:41 PM
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Oh. The Daryl guy...we've traded texts and photographs and
e-mails. I gave him a link to my webcam which made him
think I was jacking off on there (I wasn't) and he freaked out.
Only I'm fully clothed, listening to Depeche Mode, and
surging the net. lol. When I explained that it wasn't a sex
thing and that I was just on my cam he continued to be
freaked...this raises a big red flag for me. I think this might
be an early sign of DOOM. lol. I'll try to smooth it out but if
this is how he reacts to just seeming someone on a
camera...it just seems irrational...and you know...
CRAZY.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:07 PM
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Again. The Daryl guy turned out to be a crazy drunk...who
freaked out about 3 or 4 other things...and then offered to
have bareback sex. Why am I single with winners like this
asking me out? lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:41 PM
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   Sunday, June 19, 2011

Caleb called me last night and was soon back at the
condo. The 4 of us played Rock Band and had frozen
mixed drinks. We played a game of Euchre and then went
to get food from LC & Taco Bell. When I said I wanted LC
Gen made gagging noises, and being the only one in the
group who didn't eat at TB made me feel lonely. I couldn't
stop thinking about the hospital. When they went to drop
me off at LC I threw up...so I skipped food again. We went
to TB and home. At this point I was just trying to hold it
together. We played more euchre.

Gen sort of freaked when she heard that I proposed to
Mark around my 31st birthday and wanted to know why
she'd not heard this before...well...because I don't talk
about it that often and I've only seen her in person like 4
times? And Mark doesn't even remember it. She was
talking about how she wants to make Mark a mixed cd
and she wants to make sure that none of the songs are
ones that I've used for him in the past. We're getting along
this weekend...but a lot of the things she says and does
hurt me. I odn't know if that's because of her or because
I'm sensitive right now.

Gen and Mark headed to bed. Caleb and I had a serious
talk. I told him about my stomach and I was honest about
my current depression...more honest about it than I've
been with anyone except Mark I think...perhaps because I
was feeling it all so strongly at that point. He was cool
with everything. I told him about what Michael did to me
and how I just instantly think the worst of people now and
how much I hate that...like when he told me earlier that
he'd been driving around and ended up in this one part of
Detroit...I instantly thought he'd just hooked up with a guy
or two, because Michael would do that - he'd call me right
after cheating and tell me some weird story like he was
guilty or trying to cover his tracks...or more likely getting
off on it. I told him I didn't really think he did that...but
that those are the first things that pop into my head now. I
told him about how I liked a lot of stuff about him but I
was pretty sure he was a bottom and that even if he
wasn't, he just got out of 2 year relationship and probably
has all sorts of stuff to work though, just as I obviously
do. It went well...I felt good for confronting everything and
being so honest about some difficult topics...we struggled
with if we should cuddle or he should leave...but in the
end he left to avoid confusion as we're both still attracted
to each other. We kissed goodnight. As he walked away he
said I could still text him and we could hang out. I'm not
sure about that last part...partly because of the attraction
and partly because I'm seriously fucked up right now and I
don't want to risk hurting him if I can't handle everything
that's going on. I pretty much went directly to sleep.

I woke up sad. I'm obviously not in love with him. lol. But
it's sad to lose a potential boyfriend who's been a
potential lover for several years now. Then there's Gen. I
think limited contact with her at the moment might still be
a good thing. She hurts me...and I don't think most of it is
intentional...though some of it might be. And right now
I'm very vulnerable. I'm sort of teetering on the brink of a
very serious depression and it could get very bad very
quickly and if it does I can see myself losing control and
I'm very scared right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:39 AM
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I know this sensation. I lived through several years of it. I
thought I was just lonely or sad but it wasn't either of those
things. Depression is crashing down on me. I thought crying
might help so I went in to take a long shower to cover the
sound so to not bother Mark or Gen...only Mark & Gen then
kept coming into the bathroom. Oh well.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:21 AM
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Gen left shortly after my last entry I think. I was still tired,
having not slept very much since Thursday. Mark came in
my room and got me talking, though I didn't tell him
everything. He admitted that things might not work with
Gen, because, like me, he thinks that she's awesome...but
then she gets jealous and then things get ugly and hurtful.
It's sort of like Michael; he was always very jealous and it
was terrible...yet at the same time he didn't lash out at
Mark about it and spent times with just Mark for company.
Michael didn't also see the need to claim me as his at
every opportunity the way that Gen does to Mark when I'm
around...and her insecurity makes me feel uncomfortable.
I never know when it's going to pop up or make a fun
moment horrible...and when those moments do happen, I
feel like I can't call her on it because then she gets even
more upset...or I come off as a bitch and...it's just
unfortunate...because when she's confident and maybe
forgets to think of me as this imagined threat to her she's
cool...but then something happens and she goes on this
subtle offensive...I thought maybe I was imagining it but
others have noticed it too.

I was really sinking fast into the depression last night /
this morning. I couldn't focus on anything...and it was
difficult to hold a conversation with anyone, which isn't
like me. I could tell Mark picked up on this. Gen even
noticed last night; she commented on it and I told her the
truth, which is that this has just been really hard week.
Things are getting bad so quickly and so overwhelmingly
that I'm having trouble expressing how thick the darkness
really is. I can see and feel it happening yet I can't seem to
stop it as I have in the past. It's very surreal.

Mark put his arm around me and I drifted in and out of
sleep, eventually staying asleep for a few hours. Mark
went with me to get groceries and I traded a few texts
with Caleb, who may become a close friend...or not. I
suppose it's too early to say as these things take time and
who knows what will happen next? I don't see him
becoming an enemy or someone I don't like is what I
mean, I guess. And we may stay in touch. So that could be
good.

I got some LC that I ate on the way home; the first meal I'd
had in about 24 hours, which stayed down. When Caleb
was here it was difficult for me to eat because I was
worried about getting sick in front of him; one of the
many things we talked about last night before he went
home...and he said he'd have been fine with it, and I
believe him. Because I'm in this state of depression that
seems to be getting worse I find myself feeling extra
vulnerable and worried how my eating is viewed by others.
Gen made fun of LC food which I'd been craving for days
while talking up Taco Bell, which I don't like...and then I
was the only one getting the food she'd insulted and I
felt...stupid or like a freak and I'm sure she didn't mean it
that way...she doesn't know what I'm going through and I
think most people would be fine with these kinds of
comments and I feel bad for just feeling bad about it. But I
did. I do.

I'm expressing stuff here. That's good. The conversation
with Caleb last night was also good, though not easy at
all. Honesty is key to survival at the moment. If I don't
express that I need help, I won't get it...and I really do
need help right now. I wish...I wish I could talk to my
friends that have gone through this but most of them are
dead and the others are...well, they just aren't viable.

I felt exposed when we went to the store. Like the
environment and being outside was dangerous for me.
Like the breeze would cut through me and that people
near me would either find me invisible or if not, then a
single look might destroy me. I was concious of this and
struggling to pull myself out...I was trying to talk normally
though. It was sort of like being stoned and then trying to
pretend that you're not. I thought if I could talk like
nothing was wrong that it might pull me out of the funk I
was in...and it did help slightly I think.

Shopping, I stayed under my budget...which is good. I
want to get some berries / fruit to snack on this week. I'm
eating a bit less lately, which worries me, yet it's
understandable given that I've been sick so often lately
and that I don't want to be sick again right now...yet I have
to eat. Usually I'm ok...or at least I have been for a long
while and the last few months have been really horrible.
With Gen needing so much of Mark's attention it's robbed
me of a bit of the attention that Mark gives me, which is
not the same as the attention he gives her - my
relationship with Mark is very different...it's more a
support kind of thing that we give each other, yet it's hard
to give or get that attention when she's around because
she's so threatened by it...yet I'm starting to worry if I can
handle not having that attention right now, and not
because I'm threatened by her as a gf who might take my
bf away - but as someone who might change the way that
my support system works which has kept me alive for
15.5 years - today is actually our 15.5 year anniversary as
friends. When she's not around he's very giving...and I
hope I am too...but when she's here it's like I can't just
give him something and he can't be there for me because
it will be taken as something more than what it is - which
is just honest affection and caring - and NOT a call for a
reunion of lovers or boyfriends or whatever. To think of us
as boyfriend or lovers seems like a perversion and almost
an insult to what it is that we do share. And I hate to see
our friendship through her eyes because it becomes this
twisted threatening thing...and that thing, whatever it is, is
the best and longest-lasting, most special relationship I've
ever known.

It looks like I've missed some calls from Travis. Or my
phone called him in my pocket. I don't know. I'll give him a
call soon.

I might edit some more BSG / Caprica. I might watch some
Justice League; I was thinking about it earlier and it might
be nice to revisit something right now. Something safe
and comforting.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:22 PM
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I played FarmTown for awhile. They've added more levels and
stuff. I didn't plant any crops though I added something like
300 more trees. Distracting, relaxing, non-fun sort of fun. lol

I jacked off. First orgasm since Friday. It helped. Nice shower;
some food from earlier came up, but very little - so much
better than it could have been. Read some news. I'll probably
call Travis. Have a snack and then either watch Justice League
or do the Cap/BSG thing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:24 PM
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   Monday, June 20, 2011

After the last entry I called Travis but he didn't answer so I
left him a voicemail. I was going to watch some Justice
League but then I remembered that I now have every episode
of Static Shock and that I need to watch those so I can figure
out how they integrate with the rest of the DCAU. I know that
they take place around the same time as Justice League
because there are crossover episodes and cross references,
but beyond that I don't know how it works. Mark helped get
me the episodes around late 2009 but at that time I had just
found out about Michael cheating on me and was pretty
devastated and I couldn't bring myself to get back into the
work I was doing.

Anyways, I watched the first episode of Static Shock (1x01
Shock to the System) and then Mark got home and we talked
for a bit, then he left and I went to sleep, expecting to take a
brief nap but I slept until 6:01am. I'm ok with that. Sleep is
good. I feel pretty good right now. I really need to eat though
as it's now been over 12 hours since my last meal. I really did
plan on having something to eat last night, I even talked
about it with Mark right before I fell asleep.

Well...I should do that eating thing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:19 AM
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Still haven't eaten, but I'm getting ready to. I worked on
FarmTown. I planted 4 day crops so they should be ready
Thursday night. Then I made Mark his breakfast. I got
some stuff started for mine. I took a prilosec.

When I got onto Facebook there was a post on my wall by
some guy who friended me at random. He said that I focus
too much on my sexuality and that it's just 1% of who I am
and that I should focus on the other 99%. I think he meant
all the gay rights news that I post...I can't imagine it's
anything else as sex has very little to do with what I post
on Facebook. And I've had very little sex this year. lol. I
find it annoying that someone who I don't think I've ever
even spoken too would say something like this to me; it
might be different if it was coming from a friend, but it
wasn't - it was coming from a stranger. And it was coming
from someone who doesn't know that I'm actually
struggling to get back in touch with my sexuality - not
just having sex, but my writing which has always in some
form been informed by sex. I've written about other
things, certainly, but it doesn't galvanize me the way
sexuality does...and I've lost that somewhere in the last
few years and I'm trying so hard to get back to that place
where it worked. Anyways...I deleted him from my friends
list and blocked him...I think he crossed the line with the
comment. He didn't say hello or try to get to know me or
understand me before spitting that at me. That says a lot
about him I think...and the fact that he wanted me to not
focus on those types of news stories probably says at least
as much about him as it does about me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:24 AM
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I ate. Mark left for work. I watched episode 2 of Static; there
are 52 episodes total (plus 2 crossover episodes of JLU) so
I've got 50 more to go. Slow morning, which is fine actually.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:04 AM
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I got a bit ill, but I was hungry and ate more. My jaw, which I
fucked up this weekend somehow...it's hurting, and there's
more popping to it then there has been in a very long time,
which worries me. I watched the season finale to "A Game of
Thrones", which felt more like set-up for next season than an
ending to this one, if that makes any sense. Season 2 begins
airing next month though I believe it doesn't being airing
until April 2012.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:28 PM
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I fell asleep watching Caprica and woke up with a headache. I
just had a light snack (soy chicken with vanilla chai tea) plus
some painkiller. Hopefully it helps.

Woah. I just noticed the time. I need to get dressed. Mark & I
are going to the pharmacy to pick up my new stomach drug,
Whole Foods for berries, and maybe LC for itallian cheese
bread...though not sure of the last one. Even though my
snack was small, I might not be able to eat now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:55 PM
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I got ready pretty fast and Mark & I got my meds...went and
got some fesh fruit to snack on later, plus some rasberry
yogurt (coconut based), and then got LC. The snack I had
with my painkiller came back up before we ate...and I suspect
the painkiller did too cause my headache isn't gone. I should
have taken more when I ate...but I didn't. Mark and I watched
an episode of Glee and I talked to him about some of what's
in my blog as he doesn't really read it anymore. Times are
tough, but we'll get through it I think. Hopefully.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:15 PM
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Things feel dark again. Trying to pull myself out of it but it's
tough.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:20 PM
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   Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I went to bed around 1am I think. I took one of my new
stomach pills. I woke up around 3pm. I feel...numb. I can
hardly feel my fingers...it's like my brain is all foggy. I don't
think I like this...and this is the smallest dose (15), and every
2 weeks or so I'm to increase my dose until I'm up to 45. I'm
a bit freaked out and worried now...though I might have
trouble expressing that through my actions. I feel so stoned.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:25 PM
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   Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'm late taking my 2nd dose, but I can't help it. I feel like I
have to get as much done before I take the next one. I was in
serious zombie mode for awhile...and I'm still feeling the
effects. I thought I took the 2nd dose for awhile but I think I
dramt it.

So...I've been betrayed. At least it seems that I have.
Someone claiming to be Michael (it's not his usual e-mail
address, but the usual one is blocked) claims that Caleb hit
on him yesterday. It's possible but seems unlikely as Caleb
knows what an asshole Michael is, both from having met him
in person, and also from asking me questions. Not sure what
to believe at this point. I'm not sure it even matters if it's true
or false.

Yesterday was a drug trip. Seriously. I'm not playing. It was
like being stoned...a lot. Part of me liked it...and part of me
hated it. It was fun to be lost in dreams, yet it was terrible
when I wanted to accomplish anything and realized that I
couldn't.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:59 AM
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I've decided I'm not taking my 2nd dose until Friday night.
I have plans with my dad, sister Janice & her kids
tomorrow...and this drug, it seriously makes me feel like
I've smoked a bunch of pot...and I don't want them seeing
me that way. Mark swears that after 3 or 4 days that effect
wears off and then I won't feel that again until they up my
dosage. I'll have to take his word for it, but I HATE it and I
don't want it. I also want to wait to take it when Mark will
be available to supervise me because it prevents me from
driving and makes me feel...like a lot of things could go
wrong. I was looking at the papers that came with the
drug and it says that suicidal thoughts and actions are
more common during the opening salvo of the drug, so I
need to be sure that Mark is here to watch over me. I don't
really know anyone else who can stay here with me. I'm
dreading telling him this, because although he's not told
me of any plans with Gen this weekend, I think he's had
plans with her every weekend for the last several weeks. I
don't want him to resent me for needing him for this.

I've made the most of my increased energy level. I did
laundry. I took pictures I'd been wanting for awhile now,
and I may take more. I edited another episode of Caprica. I
shaved and showered.

I'm suddenly tired but I don't want to sleep until tonight.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:10 PM
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   Friday, June 24, 2011

Wednesday night went well. I walked up to Mark's work to
meet him and then it rained. We got me a coffee and then
headed home in a downpour, which was freezing...but fun.
I had a good night.

Thursday I woke up with a migrain which my crazy
stomach wouldn't allow me to treat. Later, after the
headache had faded I picked up my dad for a visit; Janice
ran about an hour late cause of an emergency with her
keys being locked in her car. We took pictures. Late all of
us went downtown to see Mark, go to the coffee, candy,
ice cream and toy comic shop. Mark joined us for the
(again rain filled) trip home, then Jance and the kids went
home and Mark & took dad home.

I had told Janice about how worried I was about my new
meds and she gave me a big hug...which was nice.

Mark & I had an argument later about the placement of
our vacume cleaner that hurt Mark's foot. I moved the
vacume into my room to solve the problem, and Mark's
foot was mostly better by morning, and we made up long
before then. Mark is going to Gen's tonight and will be
back on Sunday, and then I'll start taking my new meds
and he'll work from home for a few days to keep an eye on
me.

I chatted with this cool guy named Jeff last night. Possibly
a new friend? We'll see.

I'm seeing X-Men: First Class with Tom today; he's picking
me up at 2:45. I might take a nap.

I also might be hanging out with Jason Lyons tonight,
though I've not heard from him, so I'm not sure. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:58 PM
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I saw X-Men: First Class with Tom. I liked it a lot; I'd have to
rewatch the others to be sure, but I think it's the best one;
the only other entry that comes close is X2 which I also
thought was excellent. Here's how I'd rate the series so far:

X-Men: First Class *****
X-Men Origins: Wolverine ***
X-Men ***
X2: X-Men United *****
X-Men: The Last Stand ****

They're still moving forward with a new Wolverine movie (and
there's a possible Deadpool spin-off in the works), but it's
unclear if this new X-Men movie will spawn sequels because
while it's the best reviewed movie in theaters at the moment,
and has better reviews than the previous 2 X-Men movies,
it's made less money than any of the previous X-Men movies,
which is a shame, because it's pretty fantastic. There are
some minor continuity problems, but they're all things that
can be explained away.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:10 PM
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Pretty sure I've just thrownup almost all of my meal...ugh.
This sucks. :(

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:35 PM
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JL just cancelled on me. :( Some sort of drama with Shawn /
Jonathan? I don't know. I guess he's moving out. I'm not sure
I want to know, but I hope that everyone involved is ok.

This means I have no ride to the bar tonight. I might walk.
We'll see. It depends on how I'm feeling.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:55 PM
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   Saturday, June 25, 2011

I couldn't get to sleep for awhile last night, but when I did
finally sleep I slept very well. I woke up about 10 minutes
ago. I'm making my breakfast. I can't believe it's past 1pm
already; I've been going to bed early and getting up around
8-9am so this is weird.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:49 PM
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I chatted for a bit after the last entry, then as I was getting in
the shower to get ready I got a text from Caleb asking for me
to come to the bar. I showered, dressed and walked to the
bar. I tracked down Caleb...only he was all over some guy
and pretty much ignored me. Ugh. I saw some other friends
and made more. I danced. I had a few drinks, but not enough
to get buzzed. Tom showed up, though I didn't see him for
long; he had a cute little asian boy with him, which I think is
his type, so he was in a good mood. I was finally getting
some attention from these guys and Caleb came over and
macked on them too. I was like...why did you invite me here?
As I was leaving Caleb decided to give me a ride home, and
we talked about stuff. It hit me that he's just as sad as me, if
not more so - I'm not all hung up on him at all; I just feel bad
for him and I hope things work out for him. Anyways...for the
most part I had an ok night. Not that great, but not horrible.
Perhaps I'll see some of the new people again at some point.
We'll see.

Oh. And New York passed Marriage Equality :) How awesome
is that!?! And California can't be far behind as Prop 8 has
pretty much been struck down. Good news. I'm just worried
they'll elect some asshole Republican that will ban gay
marriage from the constitution, even though polls now show
that the majority of Americans are for equality.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:47 PM
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I've done almost nothing today...but I guess I needed that? I
ate after the last entry, which I kept down...and then I slept
for like 5 more hours. I got up...planted about 100 more
trees on my FarmTown (Cranberry & Pear), randomly watched
the movie Mannequin, and then hopped online for a bit. I
should be working on BSG or the DCAU thing and perhaps I
will, but I feel...odd. Now sure what's going on with me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:43 PM
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   Sunday, June 26, 2011

I watched some 'Will & Grace'; I really need a new sitcom. And
then...I slept again. I've certainly had a lot of sleep in the last
36 hours.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:00 AM
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   Monday, June 27, 2011

I did nothing until Mark got home around 2pm I think. Then
after a bit I washed my sheets. I did the dishes. Then Mark &
I went for a walk to Borders and then went to Little Caesars
and Krogers. Home. Everything was good. I chatted online. I
need to harvest and plant one of my farms and then I might
take my pill and then sleep.

Oh. And I've been throwing up for an hour. So glad my pills
disolve in my mouth or this whole thing would be pointless.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:18 AM
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Took my pill a bit ago.

Wish me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:51 AM
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   Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Slept a lot, but the effects of the drug (Mirtazapine) seemed
much more mild this time. I didn't have a headache or
vomiting most of the day, which is good news...though I just
had some food come back up. Possibly from stress. I don't
really feel like spilling all that out now though.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:05 AM
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I took the 2nd dose. I'm sleepy. Mark & I watched the first
half of the Star Wars Clone Wars Micro Series; he's ready for
the current series. We might start that tomorrow. I'm gonna
use some listerine and then go to bed...though I might watch
True Blood while I'm laying down.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:24 AM
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   Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I did watch 'True Blood' (4x01) before sleeping Tuesday
morning and it was pretty good. I slept well. On Tuesday I
watched what I ate and was pretty much ok. Mark & I went
for a great walk. We also watched quite a bit of Star Wars:
The Clone Wars. It was a good day.

My meds are affecting the way I think or process
information...but it's sort of random at the moment...or
that's how it feels.

Today I woke from extremely interesting dreams...to
cuddles with Mark. I hurt my upper back somehow, which
is really just annoying...and I ate too much, which made
me ill...which meant that we couldn't go for the walk we
had planned on because Mark had to be with Gen today. I
don't blame her for my messed up plans...I don't blame
Mark for waiting around either...I blame my stomach. After
he left I did something that's happened a couple of times
lately but never in the past. I ate. And ate. And ate. I'm
sure it's like what people that eat and purge go through
on some level, and I'm surprised it hasn't happened before
now because I'm always SO FUCKING HUNGRY. It's horrible
the way I have to eat small amounts of everything...and
even then some of it, or somtimes all of it comes back
up...and I'm just sick of it. I'm tired of being hungry all the
time.

I showered and scrubbed / brushed my teeth. I feel so
empty right now that I'm amazed that I'm sitting here.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:22 PM
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Fuck. I was going to work on some BSG edits but I don't have
the stuff I need. I won't have it until Mark gets home
tomorrow. :(

I'm feeling a bit better now, though I'm still exhausted, and
very hungry.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:00 PM
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   Thursday, June 30, 2011

I watched some Static Shock before bed. I woke this
morning with Mark in my room; seems like a dream now.
He hooked me up with the stuff I need to edit BSG and
other stuff but it was $80.00 more expensive than he
thought - he got it though and told me happy birthday.
lol. Thanks Mark.

I slept sort of well. I woke up with my back hurting worse
and my head feeling like it was going to crack open and
explode! I took some pain killer. I harvested and planted
my farm... I'm feeling very sensitive to light. I wonder if
that's a side effect of my meds? I had something like a
panic attack after discussing my condition on Facebook -
everything seemed so dire. I was shaking and couldn't
stop. I didn't take a xanax, but I took a hot bath with
candlelight. I was feeling crazy vulnerable and locked both
locks on the front door and then the bathroom too. I did
manage to relax a bit. I think I'm going to take a xanax
too.

Mark just called.

I was thinking about how I need to get hooked up with a
shrink. And maybe try yoga or something. I was thinking
about spirituality and how it's very calming for some
people and I thought maybe I'd give it a try. I'm wonding if
a true belief in a god is required to get the benefits of
such an action? I'd pick a god who was gay friendly...and I
don't really believe in such things yet maybe the very act
of supplication to the universe might give me something.
It's worth a try, isn't it? Perhaps this is a sign that I'm
going completely insane...or that I'm just getting to the
point where I'm desperate enough to try anything. The
alternative is suicide. Seriously. Like...everything seems so
fucking horrible right now and if anything keeps me here
I'm calling that good. It's not even that I see death as bad
because I don't...I just think it would hurt so many people
and I don't want to hurt anyone...I just want to find some
solace which is becoming harder and harder.

I think the painkiller I took just kicked in. My back hurts.
My jaw aches. My stomach retches. And I'm still so very
hungry. I have The Smiths stuck in my head and that's the
only good thing going on at the moment.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:46 PM
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After Mark got home we went for a walk. I got a coffee drink.
We walked home - it was all good. We then went to Meijer
where Mark hooked me up with vitamins and some stuff I
needed. We went to LC where I got some cheese bread for
later this weekend. We went to Blockbuster - the first time
I've been in a video store in years. I didn't get anything. We
went to Whole Foods where I got some vegan stuff to try, 3
kinds of nuts to snack on...and some coconut based ice
cream. Came home. Read the news.

Torchwood begins in just 8 days. And then we'll probably
have at least 1 whoniverse installment a week through
November I think, and then a Christmas Special in
December...then probably nothing new until the fall of 2012
unless they rush forward with a new season of Torchwood,
but Season 32 of the Whoniverse should be finished at last.
We'll see.

I feel extremely spacey.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:28 PM
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