Thursday, October 1, 2009

My stomach is really bothering me right now. It doesn't feel like it usually feels when I'm having trouble and I'm not sure what's going on. :-0(

26 days until Battlestar Galactica: The Plan arrives.

6 months that I've known Michael, today.

Ugh. My stomach is really hurting. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:08 AM
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This feeling inside is overwhelming...I can't get comfortable...my stomach...my chest...I'm not sure what's happening...

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:29 AM
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   Friday, October 2, 2009

Just before 2 entries back I started getting this pain in my gut that was very acute and very different than anything I'd ever felt before. I assumed it was just a new symptom of my lovely stomach, but the pain began to spread to my chest and then I began to worry.

Between the previous 2 entries I took a bath to help calm my stomach and it worked for a few minutes. Shortly after the last entry I was writhing in pain on the floor, and started losing feeling in my face, hands and legs. I couldn't walk and had trouble breathing or speaking. I thought I was dying. I couldn't call out to Mark but I found the strength to throw a can of something or other at his door which he responded too. He asked what was wrong and tried to comfort me. He asked if I wanted him to call 911 and I said yes. I got my phone and tried call Michael, but just as he answered the pain hit me again and I lost him. After Mark called 911 we called my sister Janice. I told her what was happening and wanted her to tell everyone that I loved them. I kept thinking I needed to get ahold of Michael, and eventually Mark got him I think. I had such a hard time talking. And I didn't care that I was naked; Mark got me to put some shorts on at least.

The paramedics arrived; there were several; at least 3 and possibly 4. They said the tingling / numness in my face / body was because I was hyperventilating, and that if I breathed deep breaths that would change within 20 minutes. I tried to follow their instructions as they helped me downstairs and outside onto the stretcher. They gave me a blanket and the abulance was heated. I told them I wanted UofM Hospital and they took me in. I couldn't keep the breath exercises going because to do so made me hurt and the numness, though terrifying, was not painful. It took several hours, really about 10 before I lost those symptoms.

I've never felt that kind of pain before. I screamed and cried in agony. I begged for painkiller. They shot me up with morphine. It didn't help. They then tried something else, and that worked...for an hour. I had to keep getting refills. They ran tests. They shot X-Rays. They gave me an ultrasound. They found a kidney stone in my left kidney, but this wasn't what was hurting me. They said my heart-rate, blood pressure, liver / kidney enzymes, temperature were all normal. They said that though they weren't finding the hard evidence, that my story was a classic case of irritated gallbladder. They wanted me to consider having it removed. Mark was against this at first because he believed I wouldn't be able to eat fatty foods ever again, and because my diet (even though it's expanding everyday) is so limited, that this could end up killing me. I wanted it out. Thankfully a nurse(? a woman who was working there) named Holly was tipped off about my dillema and came and shared her story with me about her delaying the procedure caused her much excruciating pain, and that the operation was one of the best things that had happened to her; that her diet didn't change; that there was little scaring (she showed us her scars) and that she'd wished she'd done it sooner. She made believers of us. By us, I mean me, Mark & Michael, who had joined us at the hospital.

I was in line for the operation. I spoke to several doctors and care givers. I filled out a power of attourney. I spoke to several friends on the phone. I made sure everyone knew that I loved them. I think I went in for surgery around 4pm? About 12 hours after I first had the pain. I was prepped and put under.

When I woke up in the recovery room Michael and Mark were nowhere to be found. I was frightened and alone. There was a man there and it took me awhile to get his attention. I needed to piss but I needed privacy and he eventually got me to a bathroom. I couldn't go. Something was wrong. He wheeled my bed down to my room where my mother, my older sister Janice, and Mark were waiting. Again...Michael was gone. I asked where Michael was, feeling like a dick for not caring that others were there. Mark told me Michael went to our place the minute he heard the operation was a success. I put my head on Mark's shoulder and cried.

Janice and Mom couldn't stay long and I was ok with that. I was in so much pain. Michael returned later and I started feeling a bit better. I had pain in my belly and sides, and my upper right chest area, near my shoulder, which I didn't understand. I also had to pee frequently, which was difficult and painful. I later learned that I had a urinary tract infection. The pain in the shoulder is normal because when they go in to remove the gall bladder they have to move other stuff around, and stuff doesn't like it...plus air gets in there and causes discomfort. Michael left, with my permission, thought he was going to his home; not mine; otherwise I would have had him stay. While Michael was at our place watching Center Stage on the DVD player downstairs, Mark was holding me while I convulsed with a terrible case of hiccups which made me scream in pain. They gave me pain killer which didn't help. They later gave me muscle spasm drugs that didn't help. The night was long and painful. Somehow we made it through.

My operation was a complete success. I'm in a lot of pain, but I've been dealing with it in the proper ways. I've not settled into a bed and stayed there and I've been trying to do breathing exercises. These things help keep me from getting blood clots or pneumonia. I've started taking anti-biotics for the urinary tract infection (which runs 5 days - hopefully that will get cleared up fast. I've also taken Uristat & AZO pills for that pain, but they're not working. I've had some prilosec (which I missed doses of in the hospital). I've not had any painkiller since the hospital which is getting to be a terrible bother. The pharmacy at the hospital has my perscription and I'm hoping I can get them to release the drug to my grandparents or Mark - because I need those drugs, and I don't think I can bring myself to leave the condo. I'm not allowed to life anything up to the weight of a gallon of milk for 6 weeks. I have a followup appointment on my operation entry results / wounds / whatever on October 20.

My belly button is a HUGE bruise; that's where they took my gall bladder out. I have marks all over me. I'm trying to stay in good spirits, but it's hard when I can't get comfy without having to pee and want to die from the pain.

Michael was here when I got home around 11am, I think. We cuddled a very brief time. I slept briefly; waking for the toilet and the pain of moving at all. Michael left for work but is returning tonight to help Mark & I with the cleaning and stuff so I can rest.

Mark was a trooper through all this, but got no sleep, and was very cranky when he returned from the pharmacy with my antibiotics and AZO pills, refusing to listen to me and leaving a bucket in the hallway that I later tripped over - which hurt more than I can express; sudden unexpected movements are NOT what I need right now. Michael told me not to take his behavior personally; that he was just exhausted. I knew that he was right, but I was exhausted too, and in constant pain.

I slept for about 30 minutes I think. Mollie has left me a very nice voicemail; she's been through this before so she knows what I'm going through. My grandparents are coming to see me now. Friends have left messages on Facebook. Michael is at work. And all I can think about is the painkiller a few blocks away that I can't use - and how the pain throughout my body keeps growing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:11 PM
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My grandparents came to visit. Mark & I had a little fight. I think with me being exhausted and in more pain than any other time in my life and him being exhausted and in some pain too, that we were just extra cranky. I'm in so much pain without painkiller that I actually cry from it. From my upper right shoulder down through my crotch is like one giant bruise (that's how it feels, not how it looks, though I have plenty of bruses too).

I called the hospital and they said Mark could get my drugs for me, and my grandparents drove him. I spoke on the phone with Mollie while they were gone; it's nice talking to someone who's been through this and understands how terrible it is. It's also nice to know that people survive this shit. I had to let Mollie go so I could pee (so painful). Bryan called. I started crying on the phone with him the pain was so bad, but thankfully Mark & the grandparents arrived just then and I let Bryan go.

My grandparents were gonna leave without saying goodbye to spare me the walk down the stairs but I made it down to them and gave LIGHT hugs and thanked them for their time and love. I was crying as I said this. The pain is unexpressable. Mark gave me the drugs and we apologized to each other for giving into our pain and being cruel to each other; we understood that we were both being stupid and we got over it. I took my pills (it said you could take 1 or 2 and I insisted on 2) - Mark half carried me up the stairs while I cried. I can't say enough about this pain...and it's probably going to get worse before it gets better.

Mark texted Jennifer on the phone to inform her of the changes in my condition, and to ask advice on drug interactions. I'm sitting at the computer until the painkiller kicks in; it's already started I think, but I don't think it's completely hit me. Then maybe I'll lay down, or try to eat again. If I could just get comfortable for a little while, I think that would do me a world of good.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:36 PM
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Oh. 1 good thing about today. I had a banana muffin at the hospital and it was sooooo good. I'd never had a muffin before, so even in all this nightmare I still found the time to try something new. ;-0)

I just tried to pee and nearly screamed from the pain. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up all better.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:44 PM
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With the painkiller (Oxycodone) the pain is bearable. It's not gone completely, but it's tolerable. Without the painkiller I want to cry everytime I move / breathe / pee / think.

I want to try some more muffins.

I need to go grocery shopping soon.

Every once in awhile...with the painkiller flooding my system I nearly fall asleep in place...whatver place I'm in. At the computer; on the toilet; on the stairwell.

At 10pm I'll take 1 more Oxycodone, 1 more Prilosec (for acid reflux) and 1 more Bactrim (the antibiotic series that I'm taking for until Tuesday - hopefully that means my UTI will be gone by then).

Mark is talking on the phone with his mom, Maria. I'm working on Michael's facebook farm. Any little thing to distract me from the pain.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:40 PM
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   Saturday, October 3, 2009

Mark got me more muffins; I tried them all. I had banana nut muffens, pumpkin muffins, and this odd apple oaty variety thingy from Whole Foods. I liked them all. Go me! And a big thank you to Mark! He picked me up a few other things as well. He can be very thoughtful.

I slept for nearly an hour. That's progress. That's the longest I've slept since I was put under for surgery. My pain levels are managable for the moment. But that could change very quickly. Some moments I feel the exact same pain as another moment but react to it differently. There are times when I feel very good about my progress, as it's been only a very short time since this all started...and there are other moments where everything seems agonizingly slow...as it's only been a very short time since this all started. Either way, I've never felt more comforted by or justified in using pain medication outside of headaches. This stuff is keeping me alive until I don't need it anymore. Hopefully it lasts long enough to get me there; I have about enough for 6 more days I think. If I feel that I need more relief at that point I'll switch to something a little less addictive, like the acetaminophen with codeine Michael gave me ages ago. I knew it would come in handy someday. Thanks Michael.

Michael should be over fairly soon from now. It will be nice to see him, though I'm not sure how cuddling will go. Even if we were having more sex these days, I'm not allowed to have sex until at least the 20th, which given my condition isn't something I'm craving at the moment anyways...though I'd like to be in condition to crave it again ASAP.

My legs are getting a bit sore. I usually lay down (and sleep) far more often than I have in the last few days, but when I lay down I feel all my hurts and wounds and while I can't feel that in my sleep, I find it hard to drift off while laying down, and harder still to stay asleep. Though I've fallen asleep for quick moments while sitting up several times.

October 3. Tomorrow will be 13 years since I last slashed my wrists. It will also be 1 month since I last got FUCKED. Coincidence? I think not.

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan comes to DVD in 24 days.

I don't know if I've written about his here, but the final disc of my copy of BSG has an ugly scratch on it. I don't have my receipt from Amazon; at least I can't find it. I don't have the cash to buy a new one. It sucks. Not sure where it came from as I've let several people borrow it, but I'm extremely unthrilled about that.

The Sarah Jane Adventures returns in 12 days, and the whole Whoniverse returns with it! Series 3 features Sarah Jane, K9, The Judoon, The Trickster, the TARDIS, The Slitheen, and one of the final appearances of the 10th Doctor. The series has never reached the same heights as Doctor Who or Torchwood, but it's a nice distraction, and is doing it's part to keep the Whoniverse in our homes this year.

That sleeping while sitting up and typing just happened to me again. Is that healthy? I'll feel completely awake and then...I'll be waking up from a random thought. It's kind of surreal.

Oh. And I get to shower today for the first time since Wednesday evening. I'm just not sure I'll be getting as much pleasure as I normally do from such activity. Everything is so complex at the moment. Even the easy stuff.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:02 AM
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Michael joined me in the early hours of the morning. I kept up my food / exercise / medication intake. I uploaded a crazy number of pictures to Facebook. Eventaully I slept for about 3.5 hours; now that IS progress! It could be my imagination but I think it hurt slightly less to urinate, and I'm 2 hours behind on my pain pills so it's not that. Maybe I'm just getting used to it? Who knows. I need to take my next dose of anti-biotics / prilosec at 10am. I'm gonna take the pain pill now and move from there. I just need to remember to take the next one at 12:30pm.

Actually, since the antibiotics don't have to be every 12 hours I'll probably take my next one at 9am. I did have to urinate again after typing the above paragraph and I think I'm getting slightly better, but that I'm also getting used to how I need to get myself to pee without hurting myself in the process; at least not as much. Hopefully this all works out in the next few days.

I get to take a gentle shower today. I'll probably wait until tonight; just to make sure that my body can take it. I also think I might try drinking a Boost today, as Mark suggested. I need to get more food and sleep and exercise to help myself get better. I think I feel slightly better all around. Hope it lasts. Hope I improve even more. Wish me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:44 AM
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I've stayed awake since the last entry, uploading pictures (mostly of Mark, Michael, Mollie, Carrie & me) to Facebook. I had sweatpants and socks on and randomly sat on my right foot as I often do. I just found that my sock was digging into my foot I think, and it burns like a mofo. I was worried it might be a blood clot or something, as I've never had one and wouldn't know, but Mark recommended time, and he's probably right. Michael put some lotion on it for me which burned even more but was also probably a good idea.

It so great having these guys here. I wish Michael lived here. I love sharing my bed with him, even when we aren't having sex. And even when we can't really cuddle for fear of hurting me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:14 AM
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I slept a bit. Got up to take my pain pill. I'd like to sleep some more, but I need to aat something; keep my strength up.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:13 PM
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I took a shower. I made sure to follow the instructions I'd been given. I didn't scrub my wounds; just let the water and soap wash over them. I scrubbed other bits of me though. I forgot what it felt like to be clean. I also shaved. I put on my freshly laundered shorts (thank Michael) and I felt better. I did some exercises (legs and lungs). I ate. I had most of another banana nut muffin, some tofu (3 quarters of a link), a Boost and some water. I was worried I'd eat too much but I seem to have eaten just the right amount. I texted Mollie; I spoke to my mother on the phone so nobody would worry. I feel I'm improving. I feel more and more like my old self, though I'm not sure what kind of pain I'd be in without the painkiller. I'll know more on that in a day or two, when, if I feel up to it, I'll cut the dose back a little, which I seem to remember my doctor recommending? We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:36 PM
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I think I'm going to watch some Doctor Who later. Michael has only seen the first 6 episodes of new Who. And I've been jonesing for the Whoniverse lately. I saw a pretty good trailer for the new K9 series which is set to air in early 2010. I don't know if we'll get any new Torchwood adventures next year, but we'll have K9 & Doctor Who for sure, and it's been said they're already prepping Sarah Jane Adventures for a 4th Season if and when they get the call.

It's important to remember that this K9 is not the exact same K9 from The Sarah Jane Adventures, which is the K9 Mark IV. The K9 in this series is the original model, which hasn't been seen since the time of the 4th Doctor.

I saw some fun Sarah Jane promotional pictures today. Which reminds me that I also saw some prmotional work for Caprica. I should try to track those down.

When I sit still to type like this, I get very tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:57 PM
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   Sunday, October 4, 2009

Michael, Mark & I went to the health food store and Kroger and McDonalds (I didn't get anything at the latter) to eat and get stuff to help with my conditions. I walked a lot further than I expected too...and there were side effects. My legs became swollen, or more swollen than they'd been earlier. I freaked; called the hosptial; they said to stay home but then called back asking me to come in. Waiting sucked. They thought I might have blood clots but my ultrasound (given by a lovely girl named Krystal) showed this to be untrue. Then waiting for a doctor sucked. I at least had a comfy bed; Michael & Mark took the brunt of the shitty stay. My UTI was feeling better throughout this as well. We got home around 1:30am I think.

I need to keep my feet elevated when they feel tight and I'm not walking around. I need to do that now.

Michael's gone, and based on some stuff that we talked about, has a lot of thinking to do. I love him. He loves me. We're working on it. It's tough. I don't know when I'll see him next. :-0( This makes me sad.

Mark is watching Dollhouse.

I'm gonna put my feet up and try to sleep. I took some Midrin as my jaw and head are not happy.

Going to bed now. Wish Me Luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:18 AM
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I got a lot of sleep, with my feet elevated every time. I say every time, because I had to pee a lot throughout the night. I think that may have been the fluid that was in my feet / legs before. Urinating has started hurting again, when yesterday it was better, which worries me slightly, but I've still got a few more days on the antibiotics so maybe that's normal?

I haven't take any pain killer in about 19 hours, but I'm gonna have some now. It's just getting to me right now. Probably because I'll likely stay awake. I need to exercise and it's hard to do when you're hurting.

I turned on the air last night as it was too hot in my room to sleep, but now I feel a bit chilled.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:48 PM
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The wound on my leg from sitting on it briefly yesterday when it was swollen, was looking pretty gross today. Mark helped me shave the area, sooth it with neosporin, and bandage it up. I had some tofu and drank a full bottle of Green Goodness, which has tons of good stuff in it - so hopefully that helps. Mark & I went for a walk to almost the cemetary, but I headed back fast to pee, then we walked around the block. Exercise. Breathing. Eating. Raise the feet. Take the pills. Trying to get it all right.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:47 PM
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I walk around my room. It doesn't seem like much, but apparently every little step helps. And I have to remember that I can't lift stuff. Like almost anything. I have to rely on others, which, THANKFULLY, I can do. It still sucks though. I'm super paranoid about letting my feet swell again, so I keep getting up and moving around, then putting my feet up. I might watch Doctor Who or read or something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:04 PM
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I'm drinking this laxitive stuff that Mark uses, mixed with gatorade and water. He just left for the store. After I drink this, I can eat. The pain is bad today. The pain from the UTI is beyond annoying; to be constantly aware of my dick and not be able to do anything fun with it is just cruel.

Every minute feels like an hour. Every moment is slow and long and painful. I just concentrate on not falling; on breathing; on not hurting myself. It's tough. I can't even sit at the computer for long intervals, the way I would love to. :-0( I'm not having a good day.

13 years ago today I slashed my wrists with a kitchen knife and then later a shattered mirror.

1 month ago today I had really fantastic sex with Michael. This was only 3 days before I learned the truth of his behavior. Things on that front have only gotten better.

Tough times happen to all of us. It's just my turn to take the hit. I need to hang in there and roll with the punches.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:54 PM
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I just had a snack of La Choy Chow Mein Noodles (less than half the calories are from fat and there's no sugar), Mariani Premium Dried Cheerries (something new for me - they have no fat), and Sunview Organically Grown Green Seeless Raisins. Combined, the cherries and raisins have about 21% of the fiber I need. I have more food here but it's mostly stuff that I can't be putting in my body for the near future at least.

One moment I'm full of hope, and then next I want to cry. I've been like this for nearly a month now, though the reasons have changed. I think I'll be glad when 2009 comes to a close. I'm hoping this is all a big transition into something far better than I've experienced thus far.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:11 PM
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So apparently, Cranberry Juice, which I love and I've always thought was good for keeping the bladder / UT clean is helpfuly, but shouldn't be used if you have had or your family history includes kidney stones. I've had one before, and I have another one that's just sitting in there. Goodbye to cranberry juice. :-0( I wonder if Mollie knows this. I'll call her and tell her.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:31 PM
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Mollie knew about the cranberry juice; she drinks it anyways cause she loves it; just not as often as she used to. I'm pretty sure I'll be avoiding it for the rest of my life. I just dumped the cran juice I had in the fridge. Drinking lots of water. Right now, it feels like my job is to keep the pain at bay, walk, keep my feet from swelling, and to pee...a lot...and get that infection out of there. I'd not been drinking that much for fear of having to pass the fluids with all the pain, but you apparently have to work through the pain by pissing it all away. lol. Great. If I'd known that I might have been rid of the damned thing already.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:51 PM
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I've started walking in place, or around my room for exercise. I keep writing short blog entries because I'm not supposed to be sitting in one position for very long. Drinking lots of water. Peeing a lot. Hope it helps.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:53 PM
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I watched the first half of Labyrinth; Michael bought it for me months ago. It's odd seeing it on DVD with all the details I'd forgotten or possibly never noticed before. It's remembered as this wonderful thing, and it is that, but it's also far more odd than I remembered as well. I also started reading The Thief of Always. Why? Because I'm relying on the classics to distract me. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:41 PM
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   Monday, October 5, 2009

After the last entry, I checked e-mail and such; uploaded new pictures from the 2nd hospital visit to Facebook, and finished watching Labyrinth. I've always loved that movie, but I feel I was seeing it through new eyes. The movie is odd, and while I see why I loved it in the past, I think I may have outgrown the movie's hold on me, which strikes me as both slightly sad, and oddly appropriate.

I traded some texts & calls with Michael. I miss him, but there's not a lot I can do right now accept drink and pee and complain about such activity. Not a fun date for us. Yet one more reason I want this UTI to be gone ASAP. Michael is frustrated by his job and his home life and it's stress he doesn't need or deserve. He finally kicked Jesse out, who was just 1 in an outragiously long line of people who've moved in with Michael and then used their money on other things than paying Michael, who is struggling to keep his house and pay his bills, which then include supporting people. He still pays for 2 cars; one of them being driven by his ex-bf Scott, who is supposed to be making car payments, but isn't. When I think about all the stress that he's going through it really upsets me. I need to find a way to help him out of this mess if I can. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I slept well. My UTI remains active and alive...and painful. Honestly, of all the problems I'm having right now, that is the worst, the most annoying, the most painful. And by noon tomorrow I'll be out of the antibiotics that were meant to cure it. This has me worried and scared that it won't work...and then what will I have to do? I know if it doesn't work I'll see my doctor and hopefully have another line of attack, but it's just very draining to have this kind of pain for 4 to 5 days in a row. It starts off as just being annoying, but it's moving beyond that now and its freaking me out.

Oh. And I woke up with a hardon (rare for me) from some really random dream about high school and sex, and catching HIV from a cousin who got it from the boy I most wanted but never had (in the dream) - it was so weird. And so not fun to have a hardon with a UTI. Ugh! Not fair!!!

I need to see my doctor anyways. I need to see about seeing a specialist for my vitaligo, which has spread to my arms and hands. I need to see him about getting a refill for my Reglan, though I still have plenty in my last bottle. I need to see him to consult on a possible switch to Imitrex from Midrin, to possible help my liver, though the hospital said it was in great shape.

I still haven't had a bowel movement since my surgery, which isn't altogether unusual or worrysome for me, but as the doctors think it's important I've been taking a laxitive that Mark uses; I also had some prune juice the other day, and tried dried prunes - both of which were sort of gross in my opinion; perhaps I'll grow to enjoy them. Either way, I think the problem here is that I just haven't eaten enough. I'm not a big eater anyways, mostly because if I don't have small meals then my stomach can't deal with it and it just all gets gross really fast... And now I'm being told that a lot of the (admittedly junk) food that I snack on which usually produces reliable BM's can't be eaten at the moment.

I feel I've been getting enough exercise, but could probably do a little more; it's just hard to do when your dick is on fire. I feel like my deep breathing has returned to normal, which is great. I feel like I'm now doing a good job of keeping my legs from swelling; been keeping my feet up everytime I sleep, which I thought would be harder - I've never been prone to sleeping on my back, but this has come very easily indeed. I've been drinking a lot of water and taking my pills ontime, so I feel like I've been flushing my bladder very well, especially in the last 48 hours. The first few days I was reticent to drink a lot of fluid as I feared the pain of urination, but then it was pointed out that I had to go through the pain; that I had to flush the bacteria out of my bladder for this to work, and so I've embraced that hardship altogether. The thing is, I feel I'm drinking a CRAZY AMOUNT of WATER, but in reality I'm drinking only slightly more than people are supposed to drink every day of their lives! It's insane how much we're supposed to be drinking and pissing and I'm betting that I'm not the only one who doesn't drink as much as they're "supposed to".

I just had another piss session and this one was slightly less painful and 'fuller'; the stream was heavy, which has been unusual of late. But I took some pain killer about 30 minutes ago, so I'm not sure the non-pain is a good sign, or just a nice perk of the drugs. I take my next antibiotic dose at noon, though I may take it before then.

My plans for the day: same as every day recently. Exercise. Breathe. Take pills. Keep feet elevated whenever possible. Drink lots of water. Pee a lot. Stay clean. Stay relaxed. Stay positive.

10 days until The Sarah Jane Adventures.

22 days until Battlestar Galactica: The Plan.

I've still not seen the new episodes of Smallville or Dollhouse (both of which are getting terrible ratings on Friday nights and will most likely be cancelled). If Smallville is cancelled, I can deal. The series isn't that great really, but it's entertaining and can usually be counted on for a few good moments here and there, with 1 or 2 fantastic episodes a season, with some seasons sucking more than others (Season 7 was crap, Season 8 was mostly gold). But it's a long running show, and it would be nice if it had a great finale to kind of wrap it up, though with all the retcons that show has done, that might be impossible. If Dollhouse is cancelled I can also deal. I feel the early episodes are terrible but are paid off in the later episodes of Season 1 - with the DVD only episode bringing a nice new twist to the whole story. I felt like the series had already been cancelled at that point, so any episodes from Season 2 just feel like a bonus. I'd be happier if the show was doing really well and there were seasons of Dollhouse on which to build, but I'm just grateful that the show did improve and that I no longer have to dislike a Joss Whedon project.

I've seen new episodes of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters. Both shows I've enjoyed in the past...but I'm not really thrilled about at the moment. Thankfully there is Glee. Glee is the show I most look forward to watching these days. It's cute and fun, funny, biting comedy, with a musical twist. It's sort of like my replacement for the now deceased Pushing Daises.

I didn't write this entire entry in one sitting. Been moving around. Been following doctor's orders. I'm gonna go now, and keep that up. Take that antibiotic now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:28 AM
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I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 5:45pm about my continued UTI. That will be 5 hours and 45 minutes after I've taken my last dose of antibiotics; that makes me feel better. Knowing that if my UTI isn't gone tomorrow that treatment can continue so soon after is a load off my mind.

The hospital also called for a followup Q&A about my health and they seemed happy with the answers. So that's good as well. I'm feeling very tired at the moment and I think I'm gonna try for a nap after I call Mark and ask about the appointment tomorrow and how we'll work out him driving me (as I'm forbidden from driving until at least the 20th).

Michael and David are in the area looking at apartments!!! That's so cool! It doesn't solve everything, but it's a start, isn't it? :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:05 PM
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I had one of my sandwiches with a Boost, drank more water. I'm having a little more trouble keeping this down than I have the last few days, but that's normal for me too. I'm both craving food and repulsed by it at the same time; maybe because what's just befallen me affects the way I take in food? I don't know. I hope I get through that thouogh. I was happy with the way I was viewing food before.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:59 PM
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I spoke to Michael. He & David looked at several apartments. Most of them in Belleville, but at least one in Ypsi, and they'll look for others as well as soon as possible. Michael is also looking for a job closer to Ann Arbor. :-0)

I had a BM. Not something I write about often, but as my doctors think it's so important I thought I'd make a note of it.

I'm gonna watch "The Hobbit". ;-0)

I'm drinking lemonade that Mark made for me based on a friend's suggestion, and some stuff we read online. It might help. Or it just might taste good. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:12 PM
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2nd episode of Brothers & Sisters Season 4 was better than the last 2 or 3 episodes. I cried. A few times. It resonated. But there was at least one scene with possibly the worst music choice I've ever heard. It was like hearing the soundtrack to the Mickey Mouse Club during The Exorcist.

Still drinking. Still pissing. Not getting a lot of exercise today, though I am walking back and forth to the bathroom a lot, and then downstairs to get more water / lemonade. I was told that even that helps a bit.

The wounds from my surgery feel different today. Like they're trying to heal. That odd heat / itching sensation that drives you crazy. I have that. I take it that's probably a good sign though.

I'm tired again. Maybe I'll read.

I got an e-mail this morning from this woman named Jean. She (and her family) were customers of mine at Hollywood Video. We developed a bit of a friendship, with e-mail exchanges, family news, and my working relationship was one of the most satisfying as well. I gave her an update on the bigger news items of late, and assured her I'd get her all the latest Doctor Who stuff; I got her & her husband hooked on the show but haven't seen them since September 2008. It was nice to hear from her.

I'm so sleepy all of a sudden.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:50 PM
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   Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I took a nap. I uploaded some pix onto Facebook. I texted Michael. Got a call from Mark; he's worried he might have caught a cold / flu at work and that would be REALLY BAD if I got that now - all those symptoms with my body hanging together by threads and my cock on fire? No thank you. Please. No.

Thankfully, just as I was worried out of my mind I spotted this:

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:04 AM
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I'm working on Michael's farm, snacking on dried cherries, and drinking Echinacea Tea. I took a multi-vitamin. I've had a Boost today. I'd drink another but I'm getting sleepy and will probably at least take a nap soon. I want to do the healthy stuff to get better, stave off any further illnesses, and be well in general so I can be there for those that I love.

I'm annoyed that I'm ill. I'm annoyed that I'm falling to pieces when Mark needs me. We're usually pretty balanced when it comes to this sort of thing. We're very rarely sick at the same time, and we can usually be counted on by the other to stop at stores for food and drugs and whatever the other needs when ill. But I have to avoid Mark to not risk getting ill...and I can't drive until the 20th, so I can't help him in that way. I feel helpless.

I might watch "Twilight" later. I've never seen it, but have heard mixed reviews. The trailer for the 2nd film it what's getting me interested as it doesn't look half bad.

These dried cherries are like candy! They aren't as high in vitamin c as you'd expect from a fruit, but they're a good source of melatonin which the packaging claims has proven to be a more potent antioxidant than vitamins C, E or A. They also have 12% fiber of what I need. They're 120 calories and none of them are from fat.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:07 AM
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My right eyeball is bloodshot. I think it's possible I might have gotten a tiny itty bit of hand sanitizer in my eye. But I'm not sure. It doesn't hurt exactly. Just one more random thing to pile on to the rest.

I took some pain killer earlier and this stuff really does work. I tried to sleep but it wasn't working. It did feel nice to relax in the dark with my feet up; I'm actually enjoying the feet up thing a lot and might find some way to bring it into my sleep cycle on a semi-regular basis.

I've been on the computer a lot today, but mostly just looking at news sites and Facebook. Not getting anything done. I didn't watch Twilight because I couldn't figure out how to get it to play. The copy we have is odd and there's a trick to it which Mark knows but he's sleeping and I don't want to wake him for something so stupid; especially when he's not feeling well.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:49 AM
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Gonna make one more trip to the potty then try to sleep for real this time. Wish me luck. I have to take my last antibiotic around noon, and I have a doctor's appointment at 5:45. Other than that, my day involves sleeping, exercising, eating and DRINKING - and pissing of course. Ouch.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:24 AM
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Got some sleep. Odd dreams. Bjork's Joga is stuck in my head. My UTI is still with me. I woke up Mark for work, took my final antibiotic and a pain killer, and I'm heading back to bed for a bit. Of course they're mowing the lawns or blowing leaves or something so I'm not sure I'll actually get back to sleep, but I feel the need to try.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:11 PM
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In the last entry I mentioned taking my final antibiotic and some painkiller. I forgot to take the painkiller...and now I'm hell again. My UTI is just aweful. I need it to end.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:25 PM
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Is beginning to get the feeling that Doctor Who as we know it is ending. As if new stars, new showrunner / writers / producers, new TARDIS interior and exterior weren't enough, we're also getting a new Doctor Who Logo:

It's not like I loved the old logo, but I'm not impressed by the new one at all. I'm wondering if we won't get a new arrangment of the theme song as well? I mean...EVERYTHING ELSE IS NEW, so I'm sort of expecting it at this point. I was a bit worried about David Tennant leaving as the 10th Doctor before. Not because he's my favorite (he's not) and not because he's leaving exactly, because the series has survived cast changes like that multiple times; it's one of it's strengths really. I was worried because so many people that made the series great are leaving all at once...and not only are people leaving but many details of the series I love are changing as well - they're not trying to keep the status quo going while things change behind the scenes - they're embracing the change a little too much IMO. With this news, I'm starting to wonder if we'll even recognize the series next season. If we had Torchwood to balance some of this out that would help a bit, but there are no firm plans to bring back Torchwood at all, and there may never be; "Children of Earth" reached what can be viewed as a proper climax to that series and if it never returned I wouldn't be heartbroken, though I'd GLADLY take more. Sarah Jane is prepped for a 4th Season but Season 3 hasn't aired yet and it's impossible to know if she'll be back next year. It's becoming obvious to me that David Tennant's final show in December is the finale of the 2005-2009 era of the Whoniverse altogether... What I would consider the golden age.

Next year we'll probably have no Torchwood and even if Sarah Jane returns, her seasons are really just 6 stories long (but I'll take them, thank you very much!). We'll also have new spin-off series K9, which by it's very nature, can't overtly reference Doctor Who (it's made by different people), though even if it could, it would have no major reasons to reference the 2005-2009 era as the K9 in question is the Mark I who never traveled with or encountered the 9th or 10th Doctors (or Doctor's 5-8 either), or Sarah Jane for that matter. Plus, a new spin-off just reminds us that everything is new next year. Next year we'll also have a new 11th Doctor, new companion Amy Pond, new executive producer and head writer Steven Moffat (who has admittedly done brilliant work as a writer in the past - replacing successful 2005-2009 Series Showrunner Russell T Davies), new executive producers Piers Wenger (replacing the fantastic Julie Gardner) and Beth Willis, new producers Tracie Simpson and Peter Bennett, new logo, new TARDIS (both inside and out - though the outside will stay mostly the same) - they're even promoting the new season as "Series One" - which worries me even more. I want the new season to build on the ones that I've loved in the past; not just regenerate in to something completely different; it's hard enough to lose The Doctor or a companion (unless the companion is TRULY ANNOYING as some of the Old School Companions were), but to lose everything about the show that I cared about is just brutal. It feels like we're losing all the things we've come to love over the last 4.5 Seasons! We're not just losing a Doctor or a companion, which are enough change in and of themselves and invariably lead me to tears...we're losing an entire world. For the forseeable future it seems we'll have no 10th Doctor. No TARDIS as we've come to know it. No Rose. No Jackie. No Mickey. No Captain Jack. No Gwen or Rhys. No Torchwood. No Martha / Francine / Clive / Tish or Leo - no return of Thomas Milligan. No Donna, Wilf or Sylvia. No Bad Wolf. And if I had to guess, no Time War.

I'm starting to think that the Time War will somehow be unravelled in David Tennant's final story, "The End of Time". I've not read that anywhere nor heard rumor of such; this is merely speculation. Maybe that could help explain all the changes that are in the air for next season. I hope so. The only solace I have other than that unasnwered question is that it's been confirmed that 4th Season character River Song will be returning for another story, bringing some continuity to the series. Sadly, it's also been confirmed that the Daleks will be back as well - and the few story details I've heard sound really, really bad. Can we please just lose the Daleks for a few seasons!?! One of the bright spots of this Whoniverse Light Season (with very few Who Appearances [7 as opposed to the usual 14], only 5 Torchwood eps [as opposed to the usual 13] though slightly more Sarah Jane stories [I count 12 stories]) has been the lack of a Dalek story for over 35 consecutive episodes! That almost makes this year without much Doctor Who worth it. Almost.

If the Time War storyline somehow ended in these specials with the universe righting itself in some way, that would provide a nice sort of closure to the 9th / 10th Doctor Era and separate the new show from the most recent incarnation, which is the only iteration to include the Time War backstory. It would also bring Doctor Who back to what it was before the 2005-2009 era, with Time Lords / Daleks no longer 'extinct'; Gallifrey / Skarro returned to the universe. Which, from what I've read, is something that I believe appeals to the new showrunner. I'd love it if that happened. I could embrace that. But only if the new series builds on what's come before. Continuity. References to previous stories (both old and REALLY old stories) from the long running series are a big treat for me and one of the reasons I've come to love the new Doctor Who so much.

Continuity is actually one of the main reasons I'm looking forward to the final David Tennant specials. These specials will undoubtedly comment in some way on the entire run of New Who, and possibly Classic Who as well. Returning characters (who may be returning for their final appearances - and PLEASE NOTE - we don't know what these appearances mean - they could be dream sequences or visions or any numbr of things) include the 10th Doctor, Wilfred Mott, Captain Jack Harkness, Jackie Tyler, Verity Newman (who is somehow related and played by the actress who portrayed Nurse Joan Redfern in the "Human Nature" / "The Family of Blood" storyline - the story of which will also be referenced), Sylvia Noble, Luke Smith, Lucy Saxon, Rose Tyler, Ood Sigma, The Master, Sarah Jane Smith & Donna Noble. Midshipman Frame & familiar aliens are also rumored to appear. And it's implied there will be other references to past adventures (including but not limited to recent special "Planet of the Dead"). That's a lot of continuity. That's a lot of history coming back and paying off in some way. And the episodes that recall previous adventures...that feel like a payoff for watching the entire series are kind of what I watch for and hope to see more of.

My dick hurts. Distracting myself with Doctor Who helps, but only to a point.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:07 PM
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In my quest to distract myself with Doctor Who I made a list and came to the shocking conclusion, that if Sarah Jane does return for a 12 episode 4th Season, then next year will be the longest season of Whoniverse ever. The longest season since Season 03 back in 1965-1966. The new season beats that old record by 7 epsidoes! But will it be so different from previous years that I'll even enjoy watching it? According to me, here's how the seasons of the Whoniverse break down:

Season 01: 42 Episodes
Season 02: 39 Episodes
Season 03: 45 Episodes
Season 04: 43 Episodes
Season 05: 40 Episodes
Season 06: 44 Episodes
Season 07: 25 Episodes
Season 08: 25 Episodes
Season 09: 26 Episodes
Season 10: 26 Epsiodes
Season 11: 26 Episodes
Season 12: 21 Episodes
Season 13: 26 Episodes
Season 14: 26 Episodes
Season 15: 26 Episodes
Season 16: 26 Episodes
Season 17: 26 Episodes
Season 18: 29 Episodes
Season 19: 26 Episodes
Season 20: 26 Episodes
Season 21: 24 Episodes
Season 22: 13 Episodes
Season 23: 14 Episodes
Season 24: 14 Episodes
Season 25: 14 Episodes
Season 26: 15 Episodes
Season 27: 15 Episodes
Season 28: 15 Episodes
Season 29: 29 Episodes*
Season 30: 39 Episodes**
Season 31: 35 Episodes***
Season 32: 52 Episodes****

*: Season 29
16 Doctor Who Episodes
13 Torchwood Episodes

**: Season 30
13 Doctor Who Episodes
13 Torchwood Episodes
13 Sarah Jane Episodes

***: Season 31
07 Doctor Who Episodes
05 Torchwood Episodes
23 Sarah Jane Episodes

****: Season 32
14 Doctor Who Episodes
12 Sarah Jane Episodes
26 K9 Episodes

I need to shower and change my bandage. Mark will be here around 5pm. My appointment is at 5:45. I'll need to drink some fluids so I can pee at the doctor's office. Ouch. It's been especially painful today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:37 PM
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Showered. Tested some theories. I need to rebandage my ankle

Watched the Saw VI trailer: it looks stupid. The movies were pretty good for the first 3. The 4th was ok until the twist ending blew a plot hole so big through the story that the series would most likely never recover. I avoided Saw V as a result. Saw VI doesn't look interesting at all. It looks like a made for DVD sequel. It's just crappy looking.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:32 PM
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Bandaged the ankle. Got dressed. I feel like myself. My wounds don't hurt that bad, though I'm on pain killer and that could be why, but they're merely annoying, and hardly that. It's only the urinary tract infection that hurts / worries me. I've not had anything to eat. I think I might risk crazy bread after my appointment (which will also hopefully take care of my UTI. ;-0) I've not felt this good since Wednesday. Just this one little thing and I can be myself again IMO.

Mark's here. I need to drink fluids and go.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:05 PM
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My Doctor's appointment didn't go as expected. What I expected was that they'd find something in my latest sample; give me a new round of meds, and I'd be cured by the end of the week. I seriously thought that's what would happen. And I had reasons to hope for that. I was told I had a UTI and everyone I spoke to who'd had them in the past said the meds usually work fast. Only according to my doctor who has seen my samples from the hospital and one I gave at the office, there's no sign that I ever had a UTI!?! He explained that I was given a catheter during my surgery and it more than likely irritated my bladder / urethra. This was nightmarish to hear, as I have a fear of catheters. In fact, when they kept me at the hospital overnight and I had trouble urinating, I struggled so hard because I feared they might give me one. Now I learn about having a catheter, which makes me feel violated. I mean, it wasn't mentioned before the surgery...and it wasn't mentioned as a possible cause of my problems afterwards. Instead they fed me this UTI story, which makes me think they may have messed up the catheter and were hoping to throw me off... Or maybe I'm paranoid. I don't know. But they told me I have a UTI so I've been drinking all this fluid and passing it though it hurts like hell, as I was hoping that it would solve the problem - only it won't - so all that suffering was for nothing!?! I'm so angry about this. So disappointed. So hurt. And the easy fix I thought I was going to get has turned out to be "TIME" - I have to just ride this out until I've healed. I think my doctor implied that it should be better in about a week. Still. I'm suffering and this wasn't handled well at all.

The doc perscribed some pills that are basicaly the uristat / AZO pills I was taking before but at a higher dose. Hopefully they take the edge off the pain. I was about to get those filled at Rite Aid when Michael called and we talked for awhile. It was so great to hear his voice, but it was hard to concentrate on anything with the pain and the emotions ripping through me. I love him so much.

After we got the drugs we went to LC where I risked getting some Crazy Bread. Came home. Mark was gonna eat here but I was feeling hypersensitive at this point and didn't want to see or talk to anyone - he was supercool about it and headed to work. I ate. I watched Desperate Housewives (it's getting better).

When it was done I texted Michael to tell him I loved him. He didn't respond as he often does so I called but there was no answer. He's probably sleeping or something. But there's this little voice in the back of my head that says he's probably screwing some other guy right now. I don't really think he is...yet...he was before and I believed him. I obviously have a long way to go before I can trust him completely, but that's to be expected. Hopefully he is being honest with me and he does win my trust...because I'd hate to have lost all that.

I'm suddenly VERY tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:20 PM
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   Wednesday, October 7, 2009

My stomach felt weird as I was finishing the last entry and I thought maybe the bread was making me sick after all. But it was just a BM, that actually went very smoothly; no pain; it was close to perfection. lol. If that's what they mean by upset, then I'm ok with it.

Michael called me shortly after the that; said his phone was in his jacket on vibrate and that he and David had been watching Silent Hill. We talked about him moving and him maybe seeing me tomorrow night. It all depends on how my enraged penis feels. lol. It's just not fun to be around others when I'm in so much pain; it's kind of funny, yet it's horrific at the same time. You can laugh. It's ok.

I went to sleep after the call, but awoke to the phone ringing. It as cool though cause it was one of those dreams where the ring of the phone doesn't take you right out of it but is incorporated...so it took me a few seconds to realize my phone was actually ringing! lol. It was Mollie asking about my doctor's visit. I let her go so I could use the bathroom (OUCH) and collect myself so I could go through the story of my terrible evening, then called her back. In the interim she'd read my blog so she knew what had happened at the doctor's. We spoke about all that and it was cool to compare my terrible experiences with her. It didn't help with the pain, but it helped with some of the frustration.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:02 AM
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I can't sleep. I'm stressed out about recent events. I DREAD pissing. It's worse now than it was yesterday. It's like pissing razorblades. Mollie recommended a medication that helped her in the past, but if she got the name right (Mathylene Blue) when I looked it up online one of the adverse reactions listed was "bladder irritation", which I OBVIOUSLY don't need. I think I might contact my doctor's office tomorrow and BEG for another option. There must be some possible treatment that can limit this pain. It's starting to overwhelm my every waking thought.

Perhaps my drinking a lot and passing a lot of fluids was good for it? I don't know. It's beyond my expertise. But this wait and see (and suffer) approach is maddening!

And on top of that, I've not cum in over a week - which just adds insult to injury.

I just went and it's horrible. It's like the inside of my dick is an open wound and I'm pissing gasolene.

I didn't have these symptoms when I went in to surgery. It was only when I came out of it that it was like this. Something happened in there. And I'm hating my life now.

I need to throw myself on my doctor's mercy; see a specialist or something. A urologist? I don't want to wait through a week of this torture if it means that I'll have to wait again after that to see someone else. I don't know how long I can live like this.

I'm going to try to sleep again. I don't hurt when I'm asleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:44 AM
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I slept for just over 8 hours, which was wonderful as I don't hurt at all when I'm asleep. I did wake a few times to use the bathroom. Each trip was extremely painful. When I got up this time, Mark was getting ready to leave for work. I think he opened my door actually, which is what woke me, but when I was useing the bathroom he told me he'd left a note on my computer. Here's what it said:

I researched that "blue stuff" last night for a couple hours. It seems to be a drug called "Urelle", which is a combination of stuff. The pain killer in it is sodium salicylate, though. This appears to be what aspirin metabolizes into in your body. When you take aspirin, approximately 60% comes out in your urine as salicylate acid.

From everything I read about the drug that's in AZO (Phenazopyridine Hydrochloride/Pyridium), which you're taking now, I found three interesting things. It throws off the results of UTI tests. You should only take it for two days in a row if you're also taking anti-biotics for a UTI (I couldn't find why). It can dye the color of your eyes (it's basically a dye that is used in dying textile), and maybe the reason your eye has been red?

I would recommend laying off the AZO type drug. Also some people did say that this drug didn't work for them, but that the one with sodium salicylate did work. After you've been off of the AZO for awhile, maybe you can just take an aspirin.

Additionally, there is an over the counter med for UTIs that includes sodium salicylate, called "Cystex". It also includes stuff that turns your pee acidic to help prevent UTIs. I'll pick some up for you. They supposedly sell it at right-aid. Also, I'll pick you up some AZO test strips, which are supposedly the same type of UTI
test strips they use at the doctor's office. That way you can do a test after the AZO is out of your system, or just in the future if you want, on your own.

[then there were instructions for watching a movie that make me seem dumb so I'll skip that part]

Also, felipe and I are going to pizza house tonight about 10p. You're welcome to come if you feel up to it.

Love you,

-mark
--------------------------

How sweet. I don't know if this info will help or not. I had already planned on not taking anymore AZO as my symptoms got worse when I did and I didn't want to risk it. But this is all very much appreciated. Perhaps I'll take an asprin later.

I'm gonna try to go back to sleep. I know I just slept 8 hours but I just can't face the world right now. I hurt too much.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:47 PM
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I just slept another hour then texted Michael back. He wants to help and I wish I could tell him how but I'm at a loss. I hurt SO BAD. I haven't had any pain killer today thoogh. I'm gonna take some along with the pills Mark gave me. See if that helps at all. The only thing that worries me is that the back suggests people with stomach problems such as heartburn, upset stomach or stomach pain shouldn't take this drug. Mark says that's because it's basically asprin. The directions say to take 2. I'll take 1 with my prilosec and oxycodone. I don't want to drink anything, but I'm also worried about being dehydrated. Ugh. I really hate my life right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:31 PM
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I took 2 oxycodone pills. I took my prilosec. I took one of the alternate pain relivers: Cystex. I'm drinking some of the anti-constipation stuff Mark uses; I took it the other day and it seemed to work.

Michael called; says he's not going anywhere and is wanting to help. It scares me when I can't be around him. I know I should trust him more but it's SO HARD and I'm scared I might lose him and I don't want that.

Now I'm crying. I feel helpless. I feel victimized by my health providers...even if they didn't do anything wrong. I feel like I've gone to the hospital and to my doctor and I just shouldn't be in this much pain. There should be something that someone can do to relieve my suffering.

The one thing that does feel good to me is that there are a lot of people who care about me who are very much in my corner. Mark. Michael. Mollie. [AKA M&M&M or The Three Ems] My family has been very supportive. Facebook friends have all sent their love and worry. It's all been very heartwarming. And has probably helped more than anything else in this terrible situation so I thank all of those people. I really, really do.

My tears are drying. The oxycodone is helping me relax, which is good. Having cried a little helps too. Remembering I have people that love me and care about my recovery helps.

And I do believe that Michael has changed and won't cheat on me again. I do. Mark thinks so too. I mean, Michael is trying to move out of his house to an apartment in or near Ann Arbor to be closer to me. He's told his friends and family what he's done and closed down most of his online profiles. He's often made sure I knew exactly where he was, and he's been very open about what he did since I learned the truth - giving me details I wanted, that I think others might have shirked from. He's proving himself to me. And we probably still need to see a tharapyst or something at some future date, but I really think there's a very good chance to make it work with Michael, and that he's worthy of this time and effort. He's very special. He's someone I want to know better than anyone. He's someone who makes me laugh and plays with me on a level that I've never gotten to with anyone else. He's thoughtful and caring and funny. I love his voice and his honesty (when he's given it); I love his caring for others (even when they don't deserve it). I love so many things about him. He sometimes talks about us having a house someday where Mark & Mollie can live too and that's like my perfect dream. Having my man by my side and my best friends close to me as can be.

Mark & I don't get along at odd moments. We have days where you'd think we hate each other (like, seriously loathe each other!). But more often than not, we're there for each other. And after all we've been through together, the very fact that we don't hate each other is probably a huge accomplishment. The times that we don't get along are often caused by sleep deprivation or terrible amounts of stress. I'm not saying that we don't ever have disagreements when everything is rosey, but the really bad ones usually involve 1 or both of those outside forces. And when Mark is upset with me, it's usually something that's been festering for awhile, or he's yelling at me about one thing when he's really much more upset with me about something else. Those moments are terrible. And I can see how others who have maybe been in our position have parted ways over such times, but when I think back over the years...and look at my present, I see times when Mark has really taken care of me when I couldn't take care of myself - he's brought me back from the brink countless times over the years. The really important times, he's come through for me, and I like to think that I've been there for him too. I got a job once to help support him; sold my car to pay our bills; I learned how to work on his body to help his pain; I've made runs to the store for countless items (though he's probably gone far more often for me) - I threw him the coolest surprise party ever (which nearly killed me and which I've never recovered from financially) and I've done all of this gladly. His dicomfort, his suffering is terrible for me because I love him. His pain is my pain. I want him to be happy and when he is happy it's a joy to me. His laughter and his moments of giddyness make me smile. Sometimes he makes decisions based on emotion and in those times I've often been able to council him with logic, and I think that in those times I might have been the only person in the world he would have listened to...and I'm honored to have known him well enough to have those moments. I'm honored to have been able to be so many things to him over the years. I'm grateful for what he's done for me...but more grateful that he's allowed me to be something important to him as well.

The pain killer is really kicking in. I took a break to piss and because I've been drinking now (not alcohol) I pissed more than I have, and while it still hurt, I think it hurt slightly less. I don't know if it really does hurt less or I'm just so moved by my friends that I'm not feeling as much pain. Or maybe it's the pain killer, or the new pill I took. Whatever the reason - I'm grateful for that too.

Then there is Mollie. Mollie is like a sister to me. I have very good friends who I think of as very good friends. I maybe even think of them as family. Cousins. Something like that. But Mollie is my sister and always will be. So many of my friendships are something random; I meet someone somewhere and we become friends. With Mollie, I feel like I chose to be her friend. The way we met, and the way we interacted with each other at first was certainly friendly, but we weren't close and there really wasn't any reason for us to be. Except that I liked her a lot. I wanted to be her friend. I wanted to treat her better than I felt she was being treated by those that were already her friends. I connected with her on some level and wanted to make that connection permanent. It was a concious decision. My other friendships are rarely like that. They either happen or they don't. But with Mollie, it was like I chose her. I don't know if that makes my friendship with Mollie any better or worse than my frienships with other people, but I feel like, that if I hadn't made that decision we wouldn't be the friends that we are today. I think she would have passed out of my life just as easily as she arrived - and I knew from the moment I met her that I didn't want that to happen. Mollie is like nobody else I know. She's child like. She's almost innocent, yet very 'old'; very wise; very experienced. She's been through so much hardship yet still cares about others, which isn't easy. She has't become hard though she's been treated very roughly. She's capable of deep emotion, be it joy, sadness, depression, love, passion - she reaches highs and lows that others can barely imagine; most of it with a grace and humanity, usually lost to those with such capabilities.

I was going to write more about Mollie, but got a call from Michael. He called the hospital and apparently they told him that the reason they never told me I was getting a catheter and didn't mention it as a possible cause for my symptoms is because they didn't give me one! That's amazing news! If it's true that's fantastic news, because it means the doctors that helped me weren't part of some conspiracy and they didn't fuck up my insides. I'd really like to believe this. Plus...it's so cool that Michael cared enough to call the hospital and that he found this big piece of the puzzle. That makes me feel so lucky to have him and grateful for his actions. The hospital also said that I did have a UTI and that I probably wasn't given enough antibiotics to cure it. I hope that's true too. I'd much rather have something I can cure than something I have to wait to heal. This also means I don't have to live in fear of drinking stuff, because even though it will hurt, it might help flush out the infection. And I have less to worry about from the cystex because it's less likely that the inside of my dick is all tore up and that it will hurt me. It's possible that this information is a lie, but it seems more likely that my doctor just got it wrong; I mean....he wasn't there for the surgery. But it does make me wonder what they did to handle my urination during the surgery? I've been told so many different versions of this story now that it's hard to believe any of them that I wasn't concious to see.

I need to take a break from the computer. I've been writing this entry for more than an hour.

Thanks Michael. Thanks Mark. Thanks Mollie. I love you all!

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:16 PM
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   Thursday, October 8, 2009

I slept about 20 minutes but the phone woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was gonna try the baking soda / water cure that Michael had told me about but then I couldn't find any baking soda. I figured I'd wait for Mark to get home, but he didn't come home. I called but he didn't answer. I used the bathroom and cried some more. Pissing and crying have became a ritual of late. I called again but he's at the arcade with his friend. I'm happy that he's having a good time; he very seldom gets to hang out with anybody, and he's had such a hard time lately. I'm just frustrated cause I'm sitting here and I feel like I'm not doing anything to help what's happening to me. I'm scared. What if I do have an infection and my lack of action allows it to spread to my kidneys? I'm in SO MUCH PAIN. I can't believe or express the amount of pain I'm in and while I have people that love and care about me, nobody has any answers and I just want some fucking straight answers and a plan on how to get this pain out of my body... I'm tired and exhausted and desperate.

I haven't had much to eat today, but I had 2 Boosts so I think I'm ok. I had some Pringles. Mark got me some muffins but I find the idea of eating them repulsive, though I loved them only days ago. I think perhaps this is because I associate them with the hospital and what I've experienced since then.

In about 4 hours it will have been 1 week since my stomach started hurting more than any other time in my life. In about 5 hours it will be 1 week since I went to the hospital by ambulance. In about 24 hours it will be 1 week that I've been living with this horrible pain in my bladder / penis. If it weren't for the heavy pain killer they'd given me I'd probably be dead now.

A week is too long to go without answers for that kind of pain. I need solid answers and a real solution to this before I lose my fucking mind.

I just don't know what to do until I get that.

I'm thinking of having Mark go to the Doc's office in the morning and get a urine sample vial to bring home to me so I don't have to go myself. Or is that crazy? I don't know anymore. I'm starting to lose it, I think.

The blog is helping I think.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:02 AM
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I'll see if I can get this "Urelle" drug tomorrow. It has good reviews (pretty sure this is what Mollie was talking about), but the reviews also say it's expensive. I can hopefully get some more antibiotics. Give another sample. Maybe talk to the hospital about my symptoms. I'm scared.

I'm really fucking scared.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:31 AM
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I spoke to Mark on the phone; he's on his way home with home remedy items that I'm scared to use, but afraid not to.

I called Michael. He's on his way over. I just don't want to be alone right now. He can't make the pain go away. But he can be here. And that's what I need tonight.

Part of me wants to face the horror of the ER on the off chance that I could get some kind of results in the next 8 hours that could put me on the road to recovery - while most of me just doesn't have the strength for that. With Michael coming over I don't see me going there. He's gone there with me twice now and I know that both times were extremely hard for him... I don't want to do that to him again. Though if I feel I need to go I can send him home I guess. I just want to be sure I'm doing all that I can and I just feel like I'm sitting on my hands.

The pain is killing me. The not knowing what is happening in my body is killing me.

Mark is home. I have to go.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:01 AM
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Mark says the home remedies just make your pee more or less acidic - and the ones that make your pee more acidic clear out the bacteria because the bacteria doesn't like the acid. I feel like I'm already pissing acid though. What I want is relief. I want the symptoms [PAIN] to be gone, and I want something to cure whatever is going on inside of me, be it injury from a catheter, movement of a kidney stone (which I highly doubt it is as I have zero back pain), or a UT Infection. Why is this so hard to get across to my doctor / hospital? I know I'm basically posting the same thing over and over but it's helping to keep me from killing myself. And I'm not serious about that last line...I've not seriously contemplated killing myself since the 2nd week of September, but I feel hypersensitive in my own skin - like if I could just rip off my outsides I'd be ok, which I KNOW is silly, but that's the sensation gong through my brain. I'll bet Mollie understands this. I just...UGH. I'm stuck in this loop of pain and horror and NOTHING is being done about it. This should have been cleared up by now but it's not and I NEED TO KNOW WHY and how to stop it now.

On a side note I've noticed that my stomach barely hurts at all when I get up or lay down now. It's CRAZY that the stuff from my operation, which was crazy painful on Friday is almost all pain free now, while the UTI or whatever is is has only grown worse - when you'd think the UTI would be the more common thing, and the more easily controlled. I'm living in some kind of fucked up nightmare world. Somebody wake me the fuck up!!!

On my geeky side note; it's now Thursday, October 8. Sarah Jane begins 1 week from tonight. BSG: The Plan is released just 19 days from now.

And I better fucking be in far less pain when Sarah Jane arrives goddamn it!

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:12 AM
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Mark went to the pharmacy and got more UTI Home Tests. We tested my urin and I tested NEGATIVE for protein or nitrite - which means I tested negative for a UTI. There are many things that could have given me a false negative so that's not for sure; I have at least 3 or more tests to try out under better circumstances. Mark went to Meijer and got some PH strips which we used to test my urin to see if it was maybe too alkaline or acidic. The test runs on an umber system from like 1 to 10. 1 would be the most acidic; 10 the most alkaline. A normal result would average around 6. Water would test as a 7, so your urin should be more acidic than water. My urin tested as 8.4! That's not good. In comparison, Mark tested his for fun and his rating was a 6 - so normal. We're going to have me drink a apple cider vinegar / water solution which will make my urin more acidic and possibly correct something that's wrong down there. I'm excited by this, because we actually got a result that shows that something is off, and now have a plan of attack to help correct it! ;-0)

Michael suggested the solution earlier, and Mark used the information & equipment he got to figure out which solution to use - if my urin had been too acidic we would have used a baking soda / water mixture.

But as my urin is over alkalined, this means that 80% of these cystex pills that Mark got me (which may also help) would get to my urethra, where most of my pain is, so I'm taking advantage of that and took two of the pills (a normal dose). In an hour or so I'll drink the solution and hope for the best. This is cool, because I feel like I'm doing something. Wish me luck!!!

During all this, and after, Michael and I had Jason / Michael time, which was WONDERFUl and really put me at ease. His presence was welcome; our conversation was intense; the affection was essential and much appreciated. I felt so loved with Michael and Mark being there for me tonight. I feel very relaxed. Michael is sleeping over (he's asleep right now) and with the support and the action, I feel better than I have in (looking at the clock) almost exactly a week.

I'm having a snack and gonna look to see if the new GLEE episode has been posted. Which reminds me that Mollie was gonna check out the series. She said she'd call to tell me what she thought of it today (Thursday). I'm intrigued to see what she'll think. It's not clear if she'll like it or not as it's such a quirky show, but Michael & I've fallen in love with it.

On a side note, I'd like to say that I've eaten several things that people say you can't have after having your gallbladder removed - and I haven't had ANY problems. This has also been true of anyone else that I've spoken too who've had the operation themselves. Aside from the painful urination, I've not had any truly ill side effects from last week's surgery. If I can just beat this, I'll be good to go.

Feeling much more positive now; can you tell?

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:44 AM
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Every week for the next 6 weeks we'll be getting 2 new episodes of the Whoniverse, that's 1 complete story of The Sarah Jane Adventures every week!!! Returning characters include Sarah Jane Smith, Luke Smith, Mr. Smith, Rani Chandra, Haresh Chanda, Gita Chandra, Clyde Langer, K9 Mark IV (who will appear in at least 6 of the 12 episodes), Professor Rivers (from "The Lost Boy" & "Day of the Clown"), The Trickster (2 episodes), and The 10th Doctor (2 episodes)! Returning Whovian aliens that we know of include The Judoon (at least 2 episodes) and The Slitheen (at least 2 episodes). The 3rd Season ends November 20, 2009. Sometime in November we'll also be getting the next Doctor Who Special: "The Waters of Mars". Sometime in November or December we'll be getting the animated Doctor Who Special: "Dreamland". In November, it's possible, however extremely doubtful, that we'll be getting a Children In Need Telethon Whovian mini-adventure, but again, it doesn't seem likely at this point. In December we'll be getting the final 2 David Tennant specials (probably on Christmas Day & New Year's Eve) - the last of which is said to be titled "The End of Time". That's more Whoniverse episodes (packed into 3 months) than we've had for nearly a year!

Next year we'll have a full season of Doctor Who, with many, MANY changes to the continuing series. It's not known at this time if we'll have new episodes of Torchwood (signs point to no) or Sarah Jane (signs point to yes), but we will be getting new spin-off series K9, which revolves around Classic Doctor Who character K9 Mark I in the near future (around 2050). Interestingly (to me anyways, lol), K9 Mark I was last seen in episode #480: "The Invasion of Time, Part VI". The final David Tennant Special will be episode #840, with the K9 series to follow shortly thereafter. lol.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:18 AM
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I did the vinigar thing. I watched the new glee. I pissed and it still hurt. I should have tested the PH again, but I didn't think of it. I don't know how long it take for the PH to change. I'm exhausted and I'm getting a headache. I'm gonna lay down and cuddle with Michael while there's time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:29 AM
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I had to use the bathroom again, and though it hurt, there were parts of the process that hurt less. I was able to pee for longer intervals without clamping down in pain - though when I did, the clamping down itself was excruciating as ever. I thought maybe I was just getting used to the pain and imagining the difference so I took a sample and tested it again. It still tests negative for a UTI, but I was able to drop the alkaline level from 8.4 to 6.8, which is considered a neutral setting. That's a good sign. I feel like I'm on the right track here. I was able (with Mark & Michael's invaluable efforts) figure out something that was wrong with my bladder, and then with the knowledge gleaned from that information, choose a course of action that had a positive outcome for me. It's not the same as having no pain at all, but I'll take anything I can get at this point!

Maybe it will get even better in time. Maybe the vinigar takes time to do it's thing. Or maybe if it doesn't get better I'll take another dose of it later. Either way...I have progress, which is something doctors and hospitals (on this problem at least) have been unable to give me in over a week. Thanks guys. It means more than I can say.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:48 AM
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I slept with Michael until noon. He left for home to get ready for work. I went back to sleep. Mark woke me up asking if there's anything I need before he goes to work, then suggested we take another PH / UTI test. The PH came up the same as last night (6.8) which is still a little high so I'm gonna drink more vinigar solution. Then we took a new UTI test which tests for Nitrites & White Blood Cells. We figured this test would be more accurate as it had been in my bladder longer, and it had also been longer since I'd had any of the drugs that can give a false negative. I still tested negative for Nitrites, but I got an extremly positive result for White Blood Cells, which I'm pretty sure is what the hospital found in my urin on Thursday last week. When I say extremely, I mean there are 3 shades the strip might turn if you're positive for white blood cells; the strip might go from white to off-white, then to gray, then to dark PURPLE. I had the latter one. I'd missed a call earlier from the nurse at my doc's office and I returned that call and told them my long story - and about how the sample I'd given Dr. Kesterson was probably not valid because of the AZO, antibiotics and having only been in my body for less than an hour. I also told her about my results from the tests at home. She asked what pharmacy I go to and that they'll probably call something in for me. I'm to call back at 4:45 if I don't hear back from them. If they do call something in for me, I'll call Mark and he'll bring it home to me. Progress.

Mark left for work. I called Janice to tell her my long story. She listened intently, though she had to leave before I could finish everything, so she could pick up Jordan; she told me to call her tomorrow. Parts of the conversation were tough because I finally told her about my 2 major food freakouts and how they related to her. She took that all in very graciously, with respect for my feelings. The thing she didn't take well was the news that Michael had cheated on me and that he and I are a couple again. I only had time at the end to tell her that I still don't trust him but I forgive him and love him, and told her some of the things that he's done - and how Mark is convinced too.

I had to call Mark back as he'd called during the conversation and I did something for him. I read a text from Michael and was about to text him back when I realized my jaw was locked pretty tight. I can hardly open my mouth. This is bad as it means I won't be able to eat. I took more cystex, my prilosec, and though I really wanted to take more oxycodone I took methocarbam instead, which is my muscle relaxant that helps when my jaw freaks out. I've been having more and more trouble with it. I'll have to see a specialist about that someday; possibly soon.

I still need to text Michael. I still need to drink the vinigar mixture. I'd still like to take some oxycodone as it really helps with my pain, but don't want to mix that with the muscle relaxants. I'll give it at least 2 hours and then maybe I'll take 1. After I text Michael I'll probbly lay down and try to relax; see if I can get my jaw to open up.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:48 PM
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I called the doctor's office again; they said Dr. Kesterson still hasn't looked at the info I sent over. They said they'd do all they could to get it moving. They close at 5pm; it's 5:45 now. I HURT. Ugh.

I drank the vinigar but notice no difference in my pain level.

My jaw is still locked; I can barely open it! The muscle relaxant isn't working. I think I might just switch to the oxcodone if it doesn't do the trick, just to relieve my pain.

This is hell.

It's after 5PM now. That's at least 15 more hours before my antibiotics get called in. 15 hours of nothing being done to help me with my health or my suffering. I'm so tired of this bullshit. Why won't they help me?

I feel like a victim. Like they don't care and aren't providing the service that I need. I'm in so much pain. And things are starting to pile up. Why is this happening? I know the world doesn't work in such a way that things happen for a reason, I'm just saying...why is this happening, when it could have been prevented? It's not fair and it's not right and it's not ok.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:12 PM
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I watched the first 3 episodes of Courgar Town. It's not that great. I tried watching the first episode of "The Good Wife". I watched the first episode of Eastwick. Nothing is good enough to distract me from my pain. I'm so worn out. I'm tired. And I feel bad for being tired and being worn out and not being strong. I mean, I'm not giving up yet...I just...I'm tearing up, and I'm not putting on a brave face at the moment. I'm so tired of this.

Mark found someone to cover for him tomorrow morning so we can go to the clinic at 8am when they open. Until then I just have to tough it out. The way I've toughed it out for over a week now. This pain is horrible. And I'm scared it might spread and do real damage to me. And nobody is doing anything despite me crying and screaming for help. Michael & Mark & Mollie have all been there for me and helped as much as they could but the people that are in charge of giving me the medication I need and the pain killer I need are...it's like they're laughing about my pain. I don't think they are, but that's what it feels like; like I don't matter and I'm just a joke to them to laugh about before they head home from their office, with no agonizing pain in their crotches to remind them that they've just screwed over a vulnerable man who's been hurting for longer than he should.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:27 PM
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I tried to sleep. It didn't work. I miss Michael. I want to spend more time with him. I'll get to see him tomorrow night and that's great!!!

Oh. Progress. My jaw can open all the way again. I don't know when that happened, but it's wonderful!!!

I've traded sweet texts with Michael.

Oh. I had this odd encounter that I don't feel like going into right now - but trust me - it's both horrific and drop dead FUNNY. It kind of made my night!!!! I'm so strange these days.

Mark has taken work off in the morning (it's usually his day off anyways) so that we can go to the clinic at 8am when they open and I can hopefully get some antibiotics ASAP - and preferabaly some of that urelle(?) stuff? Something for the pain. But I want this painful thing GONE so I can be sane again...and hug my friends and cuddle with my boyfriend and not have to pee and cry all the time (like a baby really).

My oxycodone (which I have 9 pills left for) has taken the edge off the UTI pain, for which I'm extremely grateful. Now that I can open my mouth I think I'll make myself one of my tofu sandwhiches. :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:41 PM
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   Friday, October 9, 2009

I'm in pain. Shocker.

Um...I didn't have to go to the Doctor's office this morning. The nurse called and said she talked to the Doctor; he insists the hospital always gives catheters to patients - but prescribed the antibiotic Cipro, which is often given to people with complex UTI's; people who've tried other antibiotics (like Bactrim) with little success, or people with UTI's caused by catheters. This is very cool. The only thing worrysome about it, is that there are some pretty scary sounding possible side effects. I'm at a very low risk for some of them, but there's one that is risky for people with low potassium levels, which I generally have. I'll try to eat more tofu, which has a lot of that in it.

I'm extremely tired. Tired from lack of sleep, and tired from all the pain I've suffered / am suffering. Mark is out getting the antibiotic which I need to take for 7 days. Mark said that most people take it for 3, but I did a google search for Cipro for 7 days and came up with tons of hits, plus others that took it for 10 days or more.

I hope I really do just have a UTI and that this medicine works for me, and that's the end of all this crap.

I know that antibiotics can make you feel pretty crappy, and this one sounds like it could potentially make me really crazy for the next week - but if it works, it will be worth it.

I'm tired but want to wait for my pill to sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:34 AM
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I believe the Cipro is already working wonders for my UTI. Not to be gross, but I can now piss for long streams with little to no pain at all. What's odd is during the majority of my first week with the pain intensive UTI, when I was nearly done with each session, there would be a long sort of epilogue where urin would sort of dribble out slowly and there would be no pain. Now that's the most painful part, and I think it's because I was in pain for so long that my body started clamping down and it hurt itself - so now that part of my normal functioning is hurting when it shouldn't. That's just a theory though. What sucks most about that, is now that part of me hurts AFTER I'm done urinating so I'm still in pain even though the drugs are helping. I'm excited that much of my pain has been dealt with after only 1 dose and I have 13 more to go. It's important to take all the doses even if your symptoms fade away completely as that doesn't mean the infection is completely gone and stopping the antibiotics can lead to the infection coming back stronger than before and immune to the medication. I'm hoping that if my symptoms leave quickly enough the remainder of the drug will kill the infection completely. Cipro is pretty powerful stuff and Mark says it's actually the preferred treatment for Anthrax. I hope it's really working and not just me imagining it. And that any side effects from my needlessly prolonged UTI heal and disappate quickly.

Another gross, but understandable side effect of my prolonged UTI is that my asshole is starting to hurt. It's gross because...well, it just is. But it's understandable because the same muscles your body uses to stop your urin from flowing (which it does naturally in response to great heaps of burning acid type pain shooting out of your bladder) are the same muscles to clench your butt and anus. I'm really not thrilled about this, but hopefully in a week the cause will be gone and the after effects can be dealt with swiftly.

I'm having trouble with my jaw again. It might be because I'm so stressed lately. It's hard to be in pain all the time and not worry about it; to not stress out over the idea that you're going to suffer for a long time and the doctors you trust are either lying or not doing anything to help you, or possibly both. So...I understand the stress thing. I think all my pain and suffering lately is understandable. That doesn't prevent me from being bitter and upset about it. Because suffering sucks, and I think at least a good portion of mine could have been prevented.

Michael was supposed to get off work at 8pm; I don't know if he did or not. He's coming over tonight which will be great. I really do love spending time with him. I learned the other day that even when I'm in pain it's enjoyable spending time with him. I know he wants to watch the new Glee and the first 2 episodes of Season 9 of Smallville, and I'm up for that. I've been jonesing for Doctor Who though and I'm hoping I'll get to watch some this weekend. I'm hoping to get him hooked on the show too so that when David Tennant's final specials air in December he'll be all caught up and watch with me. I'm not saying that's going to happen; I don't need him to enjoy my shows for me to enjoy them - but he's seen the first 6 episodes of Season 1 (Season 27) and he enjoyed those so I'm pretty sure he'll enjoy the majority of the rest, because as good as those episodes are, the best are yet to come IMO.

There's this book on gender and sexuality in Star Trek that I'd really like to read, but when I went to buy it, it turned out it was $30 some dollars! I do want to read that book, and I have a Gift Certificate which would knock $11 off the price, but I'm not sure I want to spend that kind of money right now, so I think I'll have to wait on this one.

Speaking of books...I've had a really HELLISH time reading anything this year. I've started lots of books; I've just not finished MOST of them. I just lose interest in them. I'm not sure why, and I'm not happy about this

I'm loving the new Madonna song "Revolver". It's from her new greatest hits "Celebration" which features another new track (the title track actually), but it's Revolver that's been on repeat in my mp3 player. I'd dance in my room to it if my dick didn't hurt. <- Hopefully that's not a sentence I'll have to use too often in my life.

I have 19 of the 35 episodes that make up (IMO) the 31st Season of the Whoniverse. I'll have the other 16 by the end of December.

6 Days: The Sarah Jane Adventures

18 Days: Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:53 PM
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   Saturday, October 10, 2009

I had some scary pain at the head of my dick and in my prostate. I was worried that my UTI had spread to my prostate, but looking it up online, the cure in such cases (or in such cases where these things spread from prostate to penis) is the exact same kind of pill that I'm on, and since my 2nd dose I've been fine. Actually, better than fine. Drinking lots - pissing lots - but NO PAIN! Woot!

Michael joined me. He and Mark got food. Michael and I are having one of those rough nights where the past comes back and kicks our asses. Like...I learned that Michael had lied to me very early in our relationship, and it threw me for a loop. It was deja vu all over again - as Mark too had lied in the same way to me very early on and then the truth had come up when we didn't expect it. I'm glad I know now. I'm glad I'm finding all this out. I want to know the truth and look at him and love him.

He's wanting to move out here so bad and do all these great things so we can be together. I love him so much. I'm sleepy and might lay down for a bit, though I'll need to get up several times to pee. And Michael (who's sleeping right now) needs to brush his teeth; he had Taco Hell.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:06 AM
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5 days until The Sarah Jane Adventures

17 days until BSG: The Plan

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:59 AM
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I got some sleep. Peed a lot (in the bathroom). The last time was about 15 minutes ago and my dick started hurting afterward. It hurts A LOT right now. I'm drinking more liquids so I can pee again and get rid of the pain. I also just took my next dose of antibiotic. I can hardly type it hurts so bad.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:07 AM
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The pain is still with me. I took a shower to distract me, and I peed a little, but I drank a lot before I took the antibiotic. This pain went away last time I took it...and was just as overwhelming last time. I'm really scared. Mark & Michael are both asleep so I feel very alone. If I wake them up they might insist I go to the ER and it's not like there's anything they can do for me. I just need to chill and let the meds do their thing. If an hour goes by and I'm still suffering then I should panic. Maybe.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:47 AM
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Peed a couple times now; feeling better. The antibiotic takes about an hour to kill the pain. I'll remember that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:21 AM
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Going back to bed for a bit.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:54 AM
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   Monday, October 12, 2009

Saturday & Sunday were mostly spent in bed, in pain. Michael stayed both days, leaving on Sunday around noon. In the latter half of Sunday, some of the pain subsided and Mark took me to Whole Foods & Kroger for groceries. It felt weird to leave the house, and doubly weird doing so and not going to a doctor's office or hospital. It was cold outside and I'm so not ready for winter.

Later I masturbated for the first time in nearly 2 weeks. It felt good. And was good for me. Men should release 1-2 times a week to keep things in check, and I was worried this might be harming me. It was easlity the first time in weeks that my penis had provided me any pleasure whatsoever.

I need to eat. And it's about time for me to take my next dose of Cipro. Been taking it every 10 hours. Later today, Mark & I are planning on going to my doc's office to see about making an appointment with a urologist and I want a prostate exam as well. The only painful symptoms I have now involve an intense ache near the tip of my penis and a similar feeling in my prostate and I want to be sure it's taken care of.

The Sarah Jane Adventures begin in 3 days.

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan is released in 15 days.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:02 AM
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Also on Sunday, and into Monday, I met another boy online that Michael had sex with. At first it seemed it was in July. Then August 9. Finally, through Michael's credit card info it turned out to be on Tuesday, August 11, 2009. The day before I turned 35 years old, Michael payed $43.87 to fuck a 25 year old boy. He made love to me the next day and I thought it so beautiful... 2 days later, on Friday, August 14, Mark & I picked Mollie up from the bus station. On the 15th we went to the party that Michael gave me. He gave me lots of presents that I'd asked for. With the exception of Mollie (who's mine forever) I'm getting rid of all the other presents. It hurts to get rid of things I wanted, but it hurts more to keep them near me. They feel like they aren't real to me now; they're just presents that Michael gave me 4 days after paying to fuck some boy a day before my birthday. This hurts so much more than I can handle right now.

I'm stronger than this though. Michael really has changed now. I really believe that. I just have to face the past and get through it and I will. I knew it was going to be painful...but I'm stronger than all this bullshit. It will just take time. And I think I might never celebrate my birthday ever again.

For those of you who are wondering, I now know that Michael slept with 12 other men besides me during 5.5 months of dating. It would seem that this all happened between May 20, 2009 & September 7, 2009. 12 men (13 including me, the official boyfriend) in less than 4 months time. That's pretty fucking amazing. That's pretty fucking sad and cruel and disgusting. I need some midrin NOW.

I was told by several people that after having your gallbladder removed that I'd have diarrhea for a few weeks until my body adjusted. I hadn't had that at all, but it looks like the reason I'd been spared that fate (until now) was that I was on oxycodone every day for pain, and it causes constipation. Unfortunately I'm weaning myself off of that drug, and now I've had it for sevral hours. Ick. Now I'm not sure what I can and can't eat. It's annoying.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:00 AM
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I slept really well. I feel pretty good. I had the most insane dreams. I dreamt that I saw ALIEN 5 in theaters and it was awesome! Not that the movie exists, but still. I dreamt that a guy in the theater threatened me physically and I went to inform securtity and he chased me down and it was my cousin Michael Curtis and we suddenly in church and not the theater...or the church was the theater. Jennifer Jackson was trying to help me. I told everyone to fuck off and went out to the car and my grandmother was waiting for me, telling me that she'd had it with that place too. When we got home we were in a car accident in front of the garage, but nobody was hurt. They were working on the garage, using a machine to clean out the fumes (it had been used as a gas chamber). Later I watched the unedited versions of Nightmare on Elm Street and Nightmare on Elm Street 3. In 3, Kristen when slashing her wrist does little patterns and things - it was almost funny. Then instead of going to hospital Nancy comes and tucks her into bed and stays over with here. Then in Part I Johnny Depp was in the shower with this other guy (like a regular bathtub shower thing) and another guy joins them and their dicks were all on display - then they looked out the shower curtain and three younger guys were having a circle jerk. It was very odd. lol. And then I woke up.

I checked my mail. Had some nice messages. And the train that goes by our house blew it's whistle like 20 times; I've never heard it do that before. It sounded like Casey Jr. from Dumbo, and I now have that song stuck in my head. I thought maybe something or someone was on the tracks and we'd soon hear a loud crash but that didn't happen.

I got Mark out of bed for work. He's in the shower. We were supposed to go to the doc's today, but I was sleeping and I feel pretty good today. We should still go sometime though. I say we, because I'm not allowed to drive until at least a week from Monday. Ugh. So long.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:38 PM
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There's a pretty smashing trailer for Sarah Jane Season Three -> here <-.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:59 PM
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I've talked on the phone with Michael and Janice. Worked on some online stuff. Kind of tired. I had a slice of toast and some veggies (carrot, cauliflour[?], broccoli) and water.

Rough couple of months.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:21 PM
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   Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Gay Kisses from around the World:

I own several of these movies.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:56 AM
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I wish I had all the final Season 31 Whoniverse installments so I could just sit back and take it all in. I want to see how the 10th Doctor's adventures end. I hope it's spectacular. I love the final 9th Doctor story.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:08 PM
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I miss Michael. And though I haven't for awhile now, I miss the Michael I thought was real before I found out the truth. Why couldn't that Michael have been real? I've been so strong lately, but today I'm feeling weak and unsure...and I wish I could go back in time and get this all right. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:30 PM
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I managed to pull myself out of the funk I was in. I stopped crying. This stuff isn't my fault. And I'm doing the best I can under terrible circumstances. I cleaned my room a bit. I cleaned the kitchen a little. I ate. I had a bunch of different things in small doses. Carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, juice, an apple, toast, some chips, tofu, chow mein noodles, and some dairy free chocolate.

I spoke to Michael on the phone. It was nice.

Oh. And I found this site for BSG: The Plan where you can watch 3 scenes from the movie - which totally rock and I have me even more excited for the movie than I was before. :-0)

I'll show Mark the scenes when he gets home.

I felt like I had a cold yesterday and some of today, but I feel a bit better now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:49 PM
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   Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I had a nice nap. I took my antibiotic (which was over an hour later than I usually take it, but as long as I take 2 a day I'm good). I had some water. I had more veggies and toast but I also had some black berries and grapes.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:02 AM
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Been listening to music. I watched highlights from 'Children of Earth' and cried happy tears. I listened to 'Halo' by Beyonce, and the mashups from the recent Glee episode. I just ate some more. Trying my best to get strong again. I worked on Michael's farm and chatted with his Aunt Glenda (one of his father's sisters). She had guessed that Michael had cheated based on some of the Facebook stuff and she told me about her first husband (she's been with the 'new' one for 10 years) - she also said that hardships can make relationships stronger, and that if only her previous husband had stopped cheating and really made an effort then she would have forgiven him. Hopefully Michael won't hurt me that way again. I wrote a 2nd poem for him this morning. The first was written as he was cheating for the last time and now seems so hollow. This one feels like a much better effort.

FALLEN:

Thinking back now
to the night of your birth,

And later the nightmare
that crashed you to Earth,

Named for an angel
on that early June morn,

But you'd yet sprung your wings
when your wings were shorn,

The seed that was planted
in your Father's eye,

The first of the men
who taught you to lie,

Followed by men
who hit, lied and shoved,

Who convinced you
that you could never be loved,

But these men were wrong
even though you believed,

Because I see your truth
and I see your grief,

I've seen your worst
and I've seen your best,

And I've seen you play your cards
close to your vest,

I've seen you stumble
at the smallest affection,

I've seen you crumble
at the smallest confession,

I've held you in darkness
and I've heard your fears,

I've held your hand
and I've dried your tears,

But you struck out at me
for you could not believe,

That I loved only you
and that I would not leave,

You hurt me with all of the pain
you'd collected,

But when it was over
you were not rejected,

You fell from such heights
when you listened to hate,

You fell from the sky
and I saw too late...
that all of our life was nothing but lies...

I tried to see through the tears in my eyes...

And there in the heart of all of our pain...

There in the suffering I could not contain...

There was the secret I now knew was true...

You fell from the sky...

But I fell for you.

And now we exist
in this haze of confusion,

As we look into truth
through the daze of illusion,

And I see that the man
that you told me you were,

Exists deep inside you;
and of that I'm sure,

For the wings may be gone
and the wounds may be deep,

But your halo's still there,
when I watch you sleep.

Written By Jason Wright
October 14, 2009

- For Michael -

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:13 AM
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I slept well today. Michael gets off work around 6pm. I need to call my doc's office and find out what time my appointment is tomorrow. I need to shave and shower. I posted that Michael poem on Facebook and I got some really great responses.

I'm a bit nervous about going to the doc's tomorrow. I'm hoping that I'll be ok, but I'm worried my UTI might not actually be gone. I think I'm gonna ask for a mini-perscription of the drug I'm on so that if it's not gone I won't be stuck without meds over the weekend. I also want to see a urologist and get a prostate exam just to make sure everything is ok.

Just called. It's at 4:45 with Dr. "Ostafin"; have no idea how to spell that. Pretty sure that's a woman and that I saw here a long while back. It should be fine. I just have to make sure Mark can take me to the appointment.

While calling, DJ texted me to tell me that he loves Glee! lol.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:30 PM
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Shaved and showered. I'm hungry. I've had none of the icky side effects associated with my surgery (related to food) for the last 48 hours or so; could my adjustment period really have been so short? I pray that it was because I'm rather liking the eating non-pain part of my life right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:19 PM
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Michael came over and without trying things got dark and painful very quickly. It was really intense, but we pulled through it and some of the best old-time fun (not sex) that we've had in a long time.

I'm having a slight burning during / after urination. I had it yesterday too, which scares me. Last time I just drank more water and by the time I went again it was gone. I'll try that again, but it doesn't thrill me that I'm still having this kind of thing happen. I'm grateful that it hurts far less than it did last week (what a nightmare that was!) but there's still something going on, which sucks.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:03 PM
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   Thursday, October 15, 2009

Almost exactly 2 weeks ago at this moment I was in the ER with terrible pain and a strange numbness thinking I was dying, with no clue that I'd have my first ever surgery later that day, and be in recovery mode (with much pain) for the next week and several complications for the next. 2 weeks. October really sucks so far. And September was no better, with the revelation of Michael's betrayals. Autumn, usually my favorite time of the year has turned out to be my least favorite part of 2009. Last year around this time I was in a nameless depression, but this year was worse. I'm sure these recent experiences will strengthen me in the coming months / years or however long I have left, though I did notice that during a freaky surgery scene on the 9.2 episode of Smallville that I freaked out a bit more than I would have before all this crap. Surgery will forever be that scary thing where I woke up alone and in pain, begging to see Mark & Michael, and then weeping when Michael wasn't there. If there's any consolation for today, it's that tomorrow afternoon October will be half over and November may be an improvement.

Michael's asleep behind me. He had a bit of trouble with the heat; the neighbors definitely have their heat on and it's stifeling in my room. I have the fan on, and the door ajar, and gave him an icepack, all after he woke having soaked through a pillowcase with his sweat.

My stomach has had some trouble tonight, but it's just my usual problems that come and go. I think this might be because I've been taking my prilosec pretty randomly. Probably because I'm taking SO MANY pills at the moment that I just lose track, plus when I sleep is kind of random too.

The Sarah Jane Adventures return tonight. How did that happen? There will be 2 new episodes every week for the next 5 weeks. Battlestar Galactica: The Plan will arrive in about 12 days. I may reorder Season 4.5 to make up for the scratched final disc and so I'll have the complete series, but I'm not sure yet. I feel weird spending that kind of money twice when I don't really have an income. I saw some quotes from an upcoming Maxim magazine that says the new Plan DVD will have some explicit content, which I'd heard suggestions of in the past; this doesn't make me want to see the movie any more than before, but it doesn't make me want to see it less, as some fans are saying - but their arguments are silly - saying things like if they had to throw in sex or nudity it must suck when there was TONS of sex on BSG. TONS. And while there wasn't nudity there was a lot of near nudity of both genders. And while there was sex / nudity in the recent Caprica dvd, that story was fantastic as well. I think people who have a problem with nudity / sexuality in a movie are both childish and creepy. Oh, and 2 days after "The Plan" is released, the 10th Doctor will be back in 2 episodes of Sarah Jane! I'm missing The Doctor in the worst way lately. Maybe because all the other doctors I've seen lately have kind of sucked.

I have a doctor's appointment today at 4:45pm. We're aiming to be there around 4pm though so I can give a sample before the lab closes down at 5pm. That means I have to leave around 3:30pm and I have to be ready then, so I have to be up by 3PM for sure. This appointment could be important on many levels.

I also have an appointment on Tuesday, which is my big followup to my surgery at UofM hospital. I'm not worried about that as I think I'm coming along really well. It's just the damned UTI and whatever else is going on with it that's giving me troubles now IMO.

Michael and I really had fun last night. Like I said before, there were some rough patches and I actually thought we were ending for about 10 minutes, but we brought ourselves back from the brink. I want this to work very much. I want to get back to how I felt before. I want to marry this man. But we can't just rush to the finish either. Relationships are complex. This is why I've never been jealous of people who are in relationships because no matter how perfect they seem...I know they're not.

With Michael now...I feel the need to differentiate myself from his other men; the ones he slept with when he was with me. I found out last night that he kissed the guy he slept with 3 days before my birthday. This kid (he was 25 then) has no clue that he was sleeping with someone's boyfriend, and seems sort of innocent and kind of sweet. It kills me. But for the most part I like it when he kisses me because I know he rarely did that with the others; 3 of them maybe. I like it when he goes down on me or rims me because he didn't do that for any of the others. Anything that separates me from them (for now) is important to me. That will most likely fade in time, but for now...I need that.

I only have 1 antibiotic left, which I need to take around noon, and while they've worked wonders for me pain wise, I suspect the UTI is still there as I've had random pain, though nothing on the scale of last weeks torture. I hope this weekend goes well. Michael & David will be aparment / house hunting in Ann Arbor. Michael has Saturday - Sunday off, but I'm not sure how much of that time will be spent with me as I'm sure he has tons of things to do.

His life is EXTREMELY stressful at the moment. I wish I could help with that, and I think I did last night...but what we're going through is also stressful and while that's not my fault, it worries me that it might get too intense for him and he'll have to bow out. :-0( I don't want that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:50 AM
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Michael just left & I just took my last dose of Ciprofloxacin; hope it's worked; hope I'm wrong in thinking that it hasn't. Mark will be getting up for work soon. I have to be ready to go at 3:45pm.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:02 PM
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Made it to my doc appointment early. My sample came back negative, but the antibiotic could have caused that. I had a prostate exam and based on my symptoms they're pretty sure I have postatitus - most likely caused by an STD given to me by Michael. He & I tested negative, but if it was in my rectum I would most likely test negative per the test I was given, and though he tested negative it's highly likely that he was asystematic and that he passed the STD out the way it came in (his penis) by urinating or ejaculating - when that happens people usually aren't infected, but he had sex with me at least once, after having sex with 2 other guys the same day, 1 of them without a condom, and I can tell you that guy is quite the slut himself so it wouldn't surprise me at all. All the pain I've felt in the last 2 weeks and all the pain I'm feeling now (from a HUGE shot they gave me in my hip) and what I'm going to go through in the next 10 days (the pills are said to cause terrible cramping) is all based on Michael's need to not only cheat on me and lie about it, but to do so in the same day that he had sex with me. I'm still in love with him...still want a future with him, but I'm understandably pissed off at him right now. And that shot hurt like a motherfucker! I usually don't have any problems with needles but this one was terrible. Ugh.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:15 PM
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   Friday, October 16, 2009

I finished "The Thief of Always" last night. I also broke the news about my STD infection by Michael, to Michael last night. It really hurt him, and shook him up I think. He wants a break. I don't. Mark's driving me out to his work today so I can see him. I plan on giving him a single rose.

I have the new Sarah Jane episode, but I'm waiting on watching it. Perhaps tonight when I have Part II, or perhaps even longer.

And I just read this really cool review of the upcoming "The Plan" dvd, here's a chunk of that review:

"Directed by Edward James Olmos, The Plan could also have been called A Tale of Two Cavils. It's moral: You can't declare war on love. One of the Cavils learns this lesson... and one does not. The film begins a few weeks prior to the attack on the Colonies and ends with the air-locking of the two Cavils as seen in the Season Two episode Lay Down Your Burdens, Part II. Over the course of its 112 minutes, you essentially see a series of vignettes that reveal the events of the miniseries and the show's first two seasons from the Cylon perspective... rendering some events and characters in a fascinating new light. I don't want to give too much away, because the pleasure here is in all the little discoveries. But I will tell you that you finally get to see the destruction of the Twelve Colonies in surprisingly graphic detail. We've never really seen the raw, gritty nastiness of it until now. And speaking of graphic, be advised that there's full-on nudity in several scenes, and one surprisingly graphic sex scene as well. In terms of the characters, several benefit from the revelations herein, including obviously Brother Cavil, as well as Boomer and Leoben. But for me, the most interesting was actually a surprise - Simon becomes a much more developed character by the time The Plan has unfolded fully. I should note that it would be hard to watch this as a stand-alone film, because it feels a little choppy as its own narrative. Think of it as gap-filler for the show's first two seasons. But it becomes more involving as it goes and by the time it ends, it's really built to a fascinating, rewarding - and I would say even a bit shocking - conclusion. Having just seen Battlestar from start to finish on Blu-ray, I can tell you first-hand how well The Plan ducks and weaves its way through the series' overall narrative. I suspect that a lot of people who haven't yet gone back to revisit the show are going to be inspired to do so after watching this. Trust me, you'll have a great time with it. For me at least, Battlestar Galactica is the gift that keeps on giving. If you've never seen Battlestar before, you DEFINITELY don't want to start here. But if you love this show, and you've already seen it all... The Plan is absolutely required viewing. Enjoy!"

Sounds awesome! Bring it! :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:42 AM
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I went to bed around 10am. Michael called around 2pm, waking me up, but letting me go so I could get back to sleep. Only I couldn't. I had TERRIBLE heartburn, like I haven't had in ages. I'm thinking it's connected to my new antibiotics. I got up and got ready. Mark showered. My wounds from surgery are looking markedly better. We went to the flower shop by our house and I bought a rose for Michael. Mark drove me out to Arby's in Allen Park where we surprised Michael. He'd never been given a rose before. It was hard for me to be in a place connected to his previous lies, hitting me much harder than my last visit for some reason. I ate curly fries and had some sierra mist. I knew this might upset my stomach, but the express way was so clogged I also knew we might be there awhile, waiting it out.

Michael and I talked. He felt terrible that he'd given me an STD and is afraid he may have given me something else now. I told him that I'm glad he feels terrible and if he didn't feel terrible I wouldn't be with him now.

On the way home we followed Michael so he could take us to a road that Mark knew would take us home, though we ended up getting back on 94 as we could see it was clear. My stomach was troubling me, but I managed to sleep a bit on the way home.

I called Michael when we arrived, my stomach feeling a bit better. Mark left to visit his dad. Michael is staying home tonight; thinking I might need some alone time, and he's probably right.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:29 PM
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I took a nap after talking to Michael on the phone and getting some cute texts. Gave Michael a call when I woke up but he didn't answer. I'm gonna chill. Might take a shower. Showers are good.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:05 PM
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   Saturday, October 17, 2009

got like no sleep last night. took my antibiotics last night and this morning. did the dishes. doing laundry. Michael & David just left from here to look at apartments.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:16 AM
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   Sunday, October 18, 2009

Michael & David found an apartment in Ypsi. Yay! It will be like 15 minutes from me. :-0)

Other than that news, my Saturday sucked. A lot. I had migrains. I had stomach cramps. I had horrible memory flashbacks of my collapse before hospital; waking up alone and scared from surgery; childhood trauma; the food thing; Michael's betrayals - and on top of all that I had this crazy reaction to my antibiotics and very nearly hyperventilated at Pizza House and we had to leave. It was just a TERRIBLE night. I cried a lot. I cried in the car. I cried in my room. I cried in the shower (twice). It was just a horrible, horrible day. Thankfully Michael & Mark were very cool and understanding about this...

But I feel like I'm losing my mind.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:19 AM
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   Monday, October 19, 2009

Sunday was again mostly crappy. My TMJ, which has also been pretty bad the last few days went into overdrive. It was nearly impossible to eat or talk or laugh without pain. I need to see a specialist. I now have a terrilbe fear of surgery. But this pain (and other symptoms like lockjaw) have been getting worse for years. And this pain from yesterday is still with me. I hate this. Hate that since October 1st I've almost constantly been in pain.

Michael & Mark have been wonderful to me through most of this. I went to Meijer last night with Michael and for awhile the pain wasn't with me (I took my crappy muscle relaxents and ibuprofen - a combination that's doing nothing for me now) - and that was a good time. I saw Karen; she's concerned about Mollie, as am I. Last I heard she was suffering horrible Flu symptoms.

Everyone has it tough lately.

Mark is getting ready for a Doc appointment. My followup for my surgery is tomorrow. Michael has something like a job interview today in Ypsi, and will find out if he has the apartment today as well. I'm just hoping I can get some rest and lose this pain - it comes and goes after all. I'm just afraid that it will stay forever one day - as the length of time it bothers me seems to be increasing in the last 3 years.

Blah.

Gonna go cuddle with Michael now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:06 AM
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Jaw's still messed up.

But Michael is moving into his apartment this week! This means that I'll be living 20 minutes from Michael's place, and I'll be able to stay there whenever I want. That helps with the trust issues. Also helping - Michael now has a phone that has a GPS on it, which means if I wanted to I could track where he is at all times. And he's cool with that. He wants me to know where he is. He wants me to drop by unexpectedly. He wants me to know he only wants me. :-0)

If I could just get past all the physical crap that's bothering me, then we could be home free! :-0)

BSG: The Plan comes out in just 8 days!

The 10th Doctor will return to tv screens in just 10 days!

:-0)

I spoke to Sean Mobley today; yesterday was the 8 year anniversary of the night we met. Neat. He might be moing to NC, to the town where some of Drawing Blood is set. Makes me want to read it again. Makes me want to give him a copy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:34 PM
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I'm having the most horrible mood swings. I feel like an 8 year old. I think it's just being almost constantly uncomfortable for over a month. It's just getting to me.

I was gonna have a shake to make up for all the crap I've been eating (to spare my jaw) but half way through I realized that one of the major ingrediants looked wrong and had to toss out the batch (which is expensive) and then couldn't have what I wanted. This meant that I could have my antibiotic now, but precludes me getting the ingrediant I needed and getting the nutriants I need. Then I figured I'd just get some food, but again - my jaw wont let me. I'm sick of all these physical limitations and I just feel very frustrated.

Then I remembered, that with all the painkiller I took today, I forgot my prilosec. Hopefully it doesn't make me too sick. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:46 PM
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   Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My followup at the hospital went well on Tuesday. They say everything looks great. I can drive again, but on orders to not lift anything for 2 more weeks. They also said that even when I start to lift that I should be very careful.

I didn't sleep until after noon on Tuesday. I was so exhausted. My jaw still hurt. So many things troubling me lately.

Oh. And I had a Michael Freak Out when I realized that his new phone is really a computer with internet he carries in his pocket. It's not that I think he'll use it for evil, but I know his older self would and I can't help but think that I didn't think he'd do anything bad with his phone before... But I also felt paranoid and crappy for having to be the jalous paranoid boyfriend that I've always struggled to never let myself be in the past. When I talked to him about it on the phone he sounded pissed and I hung up on him and went to sleep.

He came over later and was upset that I wouldn't talk to him about it, but I didn't know what to say. As Anya would say, I didn't ask to be all crazy! He made me this way! And I can't help it if it took me 5 months to trust him before, that it's most likely going to take at least that long now that I know that I should have trusted my instincts and not trusted him at all. It's so complicated and I'm broken on so many levels...yet I don't want to give up. He's probably exchanging his phone on Saturday, unless I change my mind. Because I hate being the paranoid boyfriend. I hate it. I don't want to be THAT person.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:14 AM
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   Thursday, October 22, 2009

Wednesday was mostly suffering. The painful urination has returned. Random pain elsewhere has returned. Oh...and my hospital bill (which my insurance hasn't covered as of yet) is $19,834.49!?! Hopefully it will be covered or at least mostly covered. Nothing scares or stresses me out more than debt. I'm going to see if I can get my doc's office to run a urine cultre today; I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, but I'm hoping this will help that go smoothly or even circumvent it. I also need my doc to make an appointment with a TMJ Specialist, and possibly a urologist as this is getting ridiculous.

I'm annoyed by everything.

Except Glee.

Sarah Jane is on today and tomorrow.

BSG: The Plan in 5 days.

The 10th Doctor returns in 7 days.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:58 AM
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   Friday, October 23, 2009

Yesterday i made an 'appointment' to leave another sample at the doc's to do a urine culture and check for STD's that might have been missed. I slept. I went to Michael's. Realized the ring I've been wearing with pride was given when he was sleeping around and hello to the pain. I gave him the ring back, which hurt, as I loved that ring so much. I thought it meant something. Maybe he'll give me another one someday. We sort of imploded in the end there. When I left. When I got to Mark's work. When we got home. We're on a break, Michael and I, so that I can heal. He thinks I won't want him after I'm done. I think he'll have moved on and won't want me anymore. I want to live my life with him, I just can't do that while skipping the healing process. It hurts to be bereft of him.

I have the new SJA and THE PLAN, but don't feel like watching either. I feel numb. I feel scared. I don't want to lose him. And nothing seems to matter now. I know that it does. I know that razors won't help. I know that this has to happen if there's a chance, but it sucks. I hate that he did this to us. I hate that he put an STD inside me. I hate that he took my terrifyingly given trust and broke me into pieces. I hate that I love him so much.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:58 AM
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Slept a bit.

Missing Michael.

Got dressed and my underwear was folded neatly in my drawer, just as he left it. I used the deoderant he left here. His necklace and candy are on the floor, along with the gifts he gave me for my birthday. Went to have some food and my jaw was hurting worse; it seems to be strongly connected to my left ear. Went to get some tea and there were the Nilla Wafers Michael bought to make his special pudding. I bagged them all up, along with the candy he bought me. There's more here. Everything reminding me of him. I want him.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:00 AM
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   Saturday, October 24, 2009

Friday; dropped off my sample at the Doc's. Slept. I've had the runs for several days now. I can't eat a balanced diet to correct this as my jaw is all fucked up. Freaked out.

Watched some Sarah Jane. The first 2 eps of the season were ok. Nice to see the continuity. I'll maybe watch the next 2 episodes later.

I watched "The Plan". It was ok. It's a very cool addition to the series. I'm jealous of future viewers who can watch it without having to wait for it.

Michael has hip problems and they were bothering him last night (plus he'd had a really crappy day). I talked him into coming over so I could give him a massage, and a comfy bed (with snuggles) to sleep in. We had the safe sex (which is to mean I jacked us both off) - but I wanted to fuck HIM so bad. Rare that I want to Top with anyone. Rarer still that I want to fuck someone I generally bottom for. We both wanted it though...but couldn't have it. I'm proud that I controlled myself and nothing happened, but pissed off that we can't do these things because of what Michcael did. I hate him sometimes. And love him at others. And want to cry because all my memories are nightmares now.

But I love him. It's tough.

It was wonderful to cuddle and sleep with him. I used to do that with him all the time. He was cheating on me then though, the knowledge of which creeps into my brain at the least wanted moments and tries to ruin the best times. I hate my memory...and I hate him for ruining what was, for me, the best relationship since Mark. It was far from perfect, but relationships are never easy and I understand / understood that. But I never even suspected how terrible things really were.

I've been reading this vegan cookbook that Michael got me last month, and it's really interesting. I want to start setting stuff up for me cooking. A lot of the ingrediants are stuff I've never tried, or things I've had bad experiences with. I'd be willing to try the new stuff and give the others another go...I just don't know that I can afford such things right now.

My jaw is better than it has been, but still worse than usual. Really scared about that. Really scared.

And this constant diarrhea is starting to get painful, and more than a little annoying. Makes me just want to cuddle up in my bed and never leave.

I hate being on my own. I might read Poppy, or reread Harry Potter - or watch Classic Who, or Coraline & Twilight. Or... I don't know. I feel empty.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:27 AM
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   Monday, October 26, 2009

I slept on Saturday, and though my stomach was upset, I went with Mark to take Michael grocery shopping; we bought him groceries as he doesn't have the money right now; Mark replaced his phone earlier in the day. Michael later texted me that he was grateful to us both and that I was awesome. He also gave me a ring that belonged to his great-grandfather, that Michael treasures; family is very important to him. He said he gave it to me because he understood why the other ring bothered me, and that it would never happen again, because he loves me and that I'm important to him, so I deserve to wear something that's important to him.

I slept when we got home. I watched "Twilight" Sunday morning. It was ok. I enjoyed it. I knew lots of people that hated it, but maybe I enjoyed it because I had such low expectations?

I slept a lot on Sunday, as my stomach was bothering me and it just felt better to be asleep.

I later watched the 2nd story of the 2nd season of Sarah Jane Adventures, which I also had no expectations for, and I enjoyed more than any story since the first season of the show! It had a good story on it's own, plus TONS of continuity, not only with many previous Sarah Jane episodes, but also with Classic Who; upcoming installments, and also Torchwood. I wish it could be like that all the time. The 10th Doctor will be in the next 2 installments. What's most amazing about that, is that the story centers on Rani, who's a character I've never hated, but never really loved either, so that's cool.

Slept later. Talked to Michael. Freaked out a bit, with Michael later calming me down. He seems to be doing almost everything right lately. I hope it's real. Because if it is, we could be a stronger couple than we were before...which we talked about. If it's not true...well, I may never be able to give 2nd chances to anyone.

I miss Mollie.

Michael came over to get some paperwork he needed and we had some more safe fun. I've got really intense fantasies and desires lately that I'm trying to express and explore, and though they're a bit odd, Michael likes that I'm sharing with him, and wants to help me, because he wants to be everything to me.

Later Michael & I were hungry so we went out in search of fast food, only everything was closed - we went all kinds of places, and we finally found a 24 hour McDonalds, whcich by this time was serving breakfast (which I don't get from there) and they were oddly only accepting cash, which ruled out Michael eating there. We ended up going to a gas station for snacks. I tried some mixed Black / Green tea, which was kind of gross, but kind of good at the same time; it was odd. We watched an episode of Glee and then Michael went to sleep while I wrote this. He has to be at work at 3pm.

I need to be at my Doctor's Appointment at 8:15 am so I probably won't sleep until later. Today is a followup on the antibiotics that I've been taking, my last dose of which will be taken today - then there will also be the results of my urine culture from Friday, which will hopefully provide some answers to my UTI symptoms...plus I need to ask about a referral to a TMJ specialist. I feel good that I'm having all these things taken care of and I'm being proactive - mostly thanks to Mark's encouragement - I get so freaked when I have to make an appointment for anything. I'll probably get retested for HIV on Tuesday.

I still miss Mollie.

I'll get The Plan DVD this week. Might repurchase BSG 4.5 this week so I can lend it out to Chris and Bryan, though I should probably wait to find out if I'm gonna owe for my surgery.

I feel good. I've had a really great night. I hope I have more soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:14 AM
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   Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I've just been hit over the head by a runaway migrain. That's the 2nd one in 2 days. Took some Midrin. Gonna lay down.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:15 PM
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   Thursday, October 29, 2009

Been a rough couple of days. Headaches. JawLocked (a few times). Pain and suffering of friends and loved ones.

I slept at Michael's place Monday night. His bed is really not that comfortable, but it was nice to share it with him, as I've never slept at one of his places before. Not ever.

I have an appointment today to talk about my Vitiligo. I'm not convinced they can do anything about it, but I'd rather KNOW.

I tried to set up a TMJ appointment but as yet I've not heard back on that.

I'm on a 2 week dose of Cipro for my prostatitus, which is causing havok with my stomach. Ugh.

I spoke to Mollie; things are really bad there, but we managed to have some laughs.

The 10th Doctor returns tonight (briefly) before a major episode tomorrow.

I'm sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:54 AM
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   Friday, October 30, 2009

My jaw just locked AGAIN. And I've heard nothing from the people who are supposed to help me with this, despite my info being faxed to them, and my leaving them a message on Wednesday. Ow. It was fine 10 minutes ago and now? Goddamn it.

Yesterday I went to the dermatologist to find out about my Vitiligo, as it's been spreading, and I was worried about it spreading to my face and becoming something I had to worry about people seeing. Turns out it's already all over the majority of my face and I'm so pale that you can't really see it. That's good because I don' thave to worry about that...except that it's very bad and so I'm not supposed to go into the sun without sunblock on. Ever. Now I stress about being in the sun.

So I found out last night that this pair of underwear / shorts that Michael often wears was bought for him by 1 of his previous lovers (years before me), and he was worried I'd be upset, but I wasn't because I don't care where he got his clothes so much as who he wears them for. That made me laugh. But then last night it hit me, like these things always hit me, that he hooked up with at least 13 other men when we were dating, and he didn't just show up naked; he dressed for them, in clothes from his closet, wanting to look sexy for them, the way he does for me; those clothes that I like on him may have been worn for other men while we were a couple. This hurt. I cried.

I was ok after awhile. Except now my jaw is locked again. I'm so sick of this shit. I'm so sick of being in pain all the time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:19 AM
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   Saturday, October 31, 2009

Friday I finally heard back from the TMJ people at UofM; they told me that were really backed up so I was expecting a 3 month wait or so, but the earliest they could see me (and this time was only available because someone cancelled) was January 3, 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. I tried calling another dental place that specialized in TMJ but they're not open on Fridays. I told Michael this and he went through his dentist and found me another TMJ specialist and I now have an appointment for January 14 2010 - that's a whole year earlier. I probably could have gotten in sooner than that, but I'll have $1,000.00 in my dental plan to work with in January, so we're waiting until then. Though I'd like to know what I can do in the meantime to help when my jaw locks up. I'l research it. Since yesterday my jaw has unlocked and relocked twice - it's currently locked.

I watched the new SJA episode yesterday; it was pretty good, and always great to see the 10th Doctor; it was very bittersweet. There's supposed to be a preview episode of K9 on sometime today in the UK; hopefully I can get it so I can see what we're in for next year.

Mark's mom has the flu, and from her description we're guessing it's swine flu. We're very orried about her. I hope she'll be ok.

I had a fantastic night with Michael last night. And a terrific morning as well. I'm going to see him later. We've been discussing our fantasies, and I've been going into detail with him that I've never shared with anyone else - it's new territory which is scary and exciting. He's talking to me about his as well, which I'm excited about - I want to know him better than anyone else; I want to understand him like nobody else. Tomorrow will be 7 months since I met him, but I'm officially changing our anniversary to the 8th of ever month. November 8th will be 2 months that he's been faithful to me - and that's actually a first - so major progress.

I ordered another copy of BSG 4.5 because my final disc in that set is scratched - but when it arrived - the final disc in that set was scratched too! I'm sending it back for a replacement. Blah.

Happy Halloween.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:25 PM
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