Friday, July 2, 2010
Can't sleep. Which is a shame as I've had a really interesting dreams lately. I dreamt the sun was burning out and aliens invaded. I dreamed about sailing down a river with Mark, before descending into a close-quarters basement with a rabid dog. I dreamt of an old family cat named Harry who accompanied me on several adventures involving a firetruck and a toothbrush...and woke up wishing I had a cat.
Wenesday night I was sad and lonely and didn't working on my DCAU thing. Mark helped cheer me up. Thanks Mark!
I spoke to Josh on the phone. He seemed to be in better spirits and not as dramatic, which was nice.
Michael got some EXTREMLY good news yesterday which I can't publish yet...
Michael & I went to Pizza House last night and then wandered Ann Arbor for a bit. Came home and watched the "Robin's Reckoning" episodes of Batman: The Animated Series - the ending of which always makes me misty eyed. I had a shake and then slept briefly, but I've spent most of the night trying to sleep. Not sure what's wrong. I noticed LOTS in the Batman episodes I want to work into my site (I'm SO close to having Batman done!) but I'm waiting until later; I don't want to disturb Michael with the noise.
Gonna lay down again and see if sleep catches up with me.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:21 AM
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Sunday, July 4, 2010
Friday, Michael said something that upset me a lot and we later talked about our relationship ending. Changing at the least. We're still a couple for now, but it seems likely that we'll just be friends soon. I'm sad.
The Batman thing has hit a few bumps, though I've been tweaking other aspects of the project.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:22 PM
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Monday, July 5, 2010
Michael called a few times. He doesn't want to break up. I don't want to break up. But it feels like we're being split apart. "Sometimes love just ain't enough". Maybe this is one of those times? I don't know. I'm trying to be strong yet hopeful...yet I don't know that I have any hope left. I love him. I don't want to lose him. But I can't seem to be what he needs. I think I'm almost what he needs...like most of the time, or a lot of the time, but the times when I'm not it really bothers him, and I don't want him to be hurt and I don't want me to be hurt either. It sucks.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:49 AM
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My dick is hurting, like I'm passing a kidney stone. Not fun. :-0( I've known I have kidney stones in my kidney's since the start of October. The area where my kidnys are was hurting a week or two ago.
Josh's wife died about 8 hours ago. So sad.
I thought I was close to figuring out Batman, but I wasn't. I might be closer now though. It's a really complicated puzzle.
The new Harry Potter poster rocks harder than the trailer (which didn't excite me at all):
posted by Bald Jason at 11:47 PM
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Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Got a lot done this morning. I'm pretty sure I have the first 59 (of 87) episodes of Batman: The Animated Series locked into place. I have a rough guess-timate of the final 28 episodes. I've made awesome progress! Yay!
Went to the jaw doctor today for a followup. No worries unless things change. My jaw will most likely never work the way it once did which saddens me, yet I'm getting used to it...adapting to the pain I suppose. Also went to Meijer, my doctor's office to make an appointment for several reasons...then Kroger and home. Just harvested my Farm. My jaw hurts from stretching it for the doc and I may take a muscle relaxer before going to sleep, but if I do I'll be out of it until about 24 hours from now.
I read the early reviews for "Predators" which have been mostly positive, saying it's the best installment of that series since the first one. I think people diss the AVP movies based mostly on the last one (which was HORRIBLE), which isn't exactly fair, but for my money AVP (Part 1) is the best Predator movie so far. Perhaps I'll like Predators even more. I hope so.
I'm worried that things with Michael have to end. I don't want them to. But with my jaw being all fucked up and my stomach being all out of control, my ability to have sex has been severely compromised...and Michael has a HUGE sex drive. Part of me is hurt that after more than a year with me he will most likely choose to not be with me, and part of me completely understands. This isn't his fault or mine...I didn't expect my body to change like this, and I expect we'll always be friends who love one another, but I think our time as a couple is ending...but maybe I'm just being dramatic and I'm wrong, because he doesn't seem interested in leaving me. Yet I feel guilty for not having sex more often...and a kind of pressure to do so, even though it physically hurts me to do so. We'll see. Maybe some kind of balance will happen that I can't foresee yet?
posted by Bald Jason at 02:28 PM
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Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I'm a terrified person. I feel like much of my life is falling apart. My jaw is fucked up. My meds aren't working very well, so everytime I eat...horrible things happen. I'm suffering. The happy (if ignorant) summer of only a year ago seems like an impossible dream to me now. I'm going to lose Michael. I feel like I'm losing my body and life... I'd probably be suicidal except that I'm now frightened of dying, which annoys me. Death sucks. I'm pretty cynical of late. People who have children automatically sentence such beings to death; everyone has to die. Part of me struggles to proclaim it a natural process and nothing to fear...other times I have moments of tense agonizing fear of what's to come...while still other times I think there's no point in worrying about it because there's nothing I can do to prevent it from happening.
I miss Michael. I haven't seen him in days. We're still a couple. For now. But he's not going to want me for much longer. I can't stop crying lately.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:27 AM
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Thursday, July 8, 2010
Talked to Michael last night. I have a doctor's appointment to day to cover several issues, hopefully. Trying to be more upbeat but it's really difficult lately.
I worked on my site a bit, finding a flaw in my DCAU logic that's gonna cause all kinds of problems unless I can figure a way out of it. :-0(
Also updated my poetry section.
I'm contemplating getting rid of or at least retiring from my Farm Town farm; just harvesting everything when it's ready and then letting the farm rest for a few months or something. It's a thought. I just think I maybe spend too much time on the damned thing when I could be doing other stuff.
I did some laundry and picked up a bit in the living room; organized some stuff in the fridge. It's not much, but it helps.
My Doctor's appointment is at 4:45. I'm gonna try to take a nap so I'll be awake for it.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:30 PM
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Saw the doc. The pain in my dick is back with a vengence, just in the last 20 minutes or so. Very unhappy; very painful. I took some AZO which helped before. I also have hemorrhoids, which the doc looked at; said they aren't that serious and though they're painful he had some tips. I got a perscrption for Imitrex...only my insurance won't cover it and it's about $200.00 for 9 pills!?! Doc also gave me a new perscription for a sedative to deal with stress.
UGH. This pain is really HURTING. Maybe this is a kidney stone problem... I don't know. They'll do a test another day (the lab was closed when we left). I have a followup appointment on the 29th. My stomach isn't upset, but I've not eaten anything in about 12 hours.
posted by Bald Jason at 08:09 PM
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Sunday, July 11, 2010
Shortly after the last entry the pain intensified until I thought I was dying. Mark took me to the E.R. - I was hyperventilating and the pain was so intense I began vomiting; not the usual gastroparesis stuff - huge, heaving, painful lunges. I got myself calmed down. They got me a bed and got me on pain killer pretty quick but the first dose of morphine didn't do much; the 2nd was heaven. They thought I had a pendicitis but it was a kidney stone after all. Michael came but didn't stay long I don't think; I told him he could go - I was very out of it. They gave me meds to help me pee (flomax) and pain killer (Tylenol 3) for when it gets bad. Came home. Slept almost all of Friday. Lots of fluids. Water. Gatorade. Cranberry juice. Shakes.
Saturday. I started getting back into my DS9 book and also started watching the 2nd Season of Six Feet Under; I have the complete series set but have only seen the first 1.5 seasons I think.
Mark & Michael went to a party. Michael looked hot and we had our pictures taken before they left (though I looked horrible). Later when they returned home I was asleep. I asked Michael to stay but he chose not to. He went home and started looking at sex hookups on line "cause he was bored" which I don't believe for a second. He was looking for sex. That was the final nail in the coffin. I called him and told him I knew what was going on; that I didn't trust him...but that I loved him. He said he was confused about a lot of stuff and we agreed to break up. Mark drove me out there and we took the spyware off his computer and parted on good terms...as friends, with him letting me keep the keys to his place and me giving him one to mine. Sounds weird, I'm sure. I was sad but ok.
Later I went to Facebook and changed my relationship status to single. I went to Manhunt to update my profile and Michael was there looking for sex, though he'd just told me he was only on yahoo and watching Trek before bed. This hurt. I sent him a message saying I wasn't shocked and that I hoped he played safe. But I was shocked a bit...I couldn't stop shaking or crying. He didn't have to lie about what he was doing now...yet he still was. Maybe that sort of thing just takes time, or now that we're not a couple I have even less right to know what he's doing...but I don't see how lies are necessary.
Jamie from Virginia, who I've met twice, saw my new status on Facebook and called me; talking to me about boys, Michael, Justice League, Slash and such while I got the worst of the shaking and crying under control. She was nearly crying for me.
I'm left feeling nothing. It had to end, I suspect. He hurt me so much. But I cherish his friendship and the many fun times we've had...and would like for that part of our relationship to continue. We both want that in fact. I hope we can get that.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:42 AM
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I'm so fuckin sad right now.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:18 AM
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Can't sleep. Feeling lonely.
posted by Bald Jason at 11:16 AM
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Feeling slightly better. Michael says I'm his best friend.
posted by Bald Jason at 09:20 PM
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Monday, July 12, 2010
Cried for like an hour and a half in Mark's room. I'd seriously be dead if he wasn't here. So much emotion is pouring through me. So much pain. It's hard to hang in there, but I'm trying. Michael's moving on though. I should do the same.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:59 AM
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Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday was rough.
Cuddled with Mark in his room, then we slept and cuddled in mine. He's holding me here in the world. I have crazy thoughts and phases where I feel ugly, unwanted, broken, destroyed...and then I have moments where I'm ok. The fact that I still have a kidney stone working it's way out of me and pain in my jaw and my ass and trouble keeping food down and everything else - it's all just a little hard to take right now.
I'm trying to hold onto the fact that I've not lost Michael completely. Our relationship just changed. In fact in basically just changed into what it already was and I've just never been able to accept. I need to live and let him live and we'll be there for each other in any other matter.
I feel ok right now. Not great. Not terrible. But my mood changes pretty quickly lately.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:10 AM
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Starting to feel sad again, but I was feeling pretty good for a few hours and that's progress.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:38 AM
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I was doing pretty well. I planted my Farm Town. It's not much and it's a silly game, but it's routine and familiar and I was actually enjoying it so I'm calling that a win. Later I watched the new episode of True Blood and I was fine until there was A) a scene in a club where an action took place that reminded me of something I used to do with Michael...and B) there was a brutal breakup. True Blood is a fantastic show but it's very dark right now and not what I need - though I do cheer everytime Bill is mean to his bitch maker.
Anyways...I was crying and Michael called on his way to work, like he's done for over a year now. He wants to spend the night here Wednesday to talk and cuddle. I want to see him. I want to spend time with him. And I want it to be alright, but this may be too soon. I know it upset me. I cried pretty hard and the food I ate came back up (which it hasn't been doing for over a week).
I've been talking to boys online. Not looking for sex or dates...just cause I'm lonely. I talked to one guy on the phone, who's been hitting on me for years, but he turned out to be so horrible that I had to block his number from my phone! He was racist...sexist and trans-gender-phobic. Everything he said just made it worse. I also talked to this other guy (Carter) who's older and has also been after me for a long while, but he was stoned on the phone which I found kind of rude and off-putting, even though I've smoked pot; people that have to smoke pot all the time strike me as kind of pathetic. Maybe I'm being too harsh? I don't hate those people...I just don't want to be around them all the time.
This boy that I've liked for years sent me a message online asking how I'm doing. I replied. It would be nice to meet him in person after so many years of random exchanges...but maybe he'll be a dick too. I just want to have some new people in my life. I don't get out much. I don't have a job where I get to interact with people and it's really getting to me. This guy's profile mentioned something that he likes that I actually love too. I shared it with Michael recently...and I'd really like to do this again soon (it's not sexual). It made me like this guy even more...though I don't know him well.
Yet another boy (Jeff) asked me out and wants to meet me. I told him I'm not looking for sex or a date but I'd be up for meeting him and hanging out. Just chilling. I told him about my kidney stone and other problems and he wasn't a dick about that so maybe he could be a friend...I don't know.
I just want to get to a place where I feel sane; where I'm confident in myself again, like I used to be. Where my voice doesn't sound funky because I'm crying every 6 hours. And if I could lose this kidney stone and these stubborn hemorrhoids in the process that would be great.
I must add here that while there is much weirdness between Michael and I right now - and it will take time to get through and work out - he's being pretty nice, when other men have treated me far worse in an aftermath like this. He hurt me a lot and may do so in the future but there's love there too. I just have to find something of that in myself to be happy I think, and then I'll be able to accept it from Michael and not be hurt by it.
Also, Mark has been AMAZING. He listens. He holds me when I cry. He reassures me. He doesn't judge me. He cuddles. He & I haven't always gotten along, but in the last week Mark has been there for me on every level that I've needed. THANK YOU!
I should watch more 'Six Feet Under'. I have the season premiere of 'The Closer' to watch too. I'd like to take a walk; start getting some more exercise...yet I'm not sure I'm ready to venture outside yet.
I don't know if I mentioned this or not but my doctor perscribed Xanax to me last week for stress. I like that I have it, yet I'm afraid to use it as it's habit forming. It probably saved me from falling to pieces the night I broke up with Michael though. I have so much stress right now...and I have these awful panic attacks...I guess I'm lucky to have them, but I have so many drugs now it's crazy!
I miss Mollie. I miss Jennifer and Chris & Bryan and everyone from Hollywood. But I miss Mollie most of all.
Oh. There's confirmed news about this year's Doctor Who Christmas Special (which begins filming today). It's not much, but Michael Gambon (Dumbledor) & Katherine Jenkins (a Welsh Opera star) will be in it! Steven Moffat, who's writing the special, had this to say:
"Oh, we're going for broke with this one. It's all your favourite Christmas movies at once, in an hour, with monsters and the Doctor and a honeymoon and – oh, you'll see. I've honestly never been so excited about writing anything. I was laughing madly as I typed along to Christmas songs in April. My neighbours loved it so much they all moved away and set up a website demanding my execution. But I'm fairly sure they did it ironically."
Controller of BBC Drama Commissioning, Ben Stephenson:
"Doctor Who’s clever twist on the much loved A Christmas Carol will thrill BBC One viewers this year"
So that's news. I hope the Special builds on the momentum of the final 4 stories and gives us something special. I'm looking forward to next season and hoping it will be better. I'm VERY excited about this season of Sarah Jane which sounds very good. And in about a year (maybe a little less) we'll have 10 more episodes of Torchwood.
So...'Predators' didn't do that great in theaters, coming in 3rd place (after 'Despicable Me' & 'Twilight: Eclipse') and I've heard mixed reviews, though thankfully everyone is saying it's an improvement over the last (dreadful) installment (AVP:R). I've also heard that the awesome shot from the trailer in which Adrian Brody's character is targeted by like 10 Predators isn't in the movie - or that it is but he's only targeted by one, which pisses me off as it's this incredibly cool scene in the trailer that was never in the movie! Erg. The movie might still be good though, and I hope to see it at some point.
posted by Bald Jason at 10:42 AM
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Just had a strange and disconcerting chat with an 'old friend'. I may have to write a long entry about this later and why it was disconcerting. It's something that rather intense and I'm not sure how well I come off in it...though my friend Paul once told me that he thought I was amazing in my response to the situation...so maybe I am. But a whole FUCKED UP kind of amazing. FUCKED UP. That's what the last 10 months have been. There's been joy and pleasure and fun and games but there's been game playing and charades and lies and secrets...and that shit has to stop or the roles need to be changed or I'm just not gonna survive. I played my part for several reasons...exploring limits and sexual permutations that I'd only dreamt of previously...yet it's left me feeling uncertain without many conclusions. It may take me years to process all that's happened. Was it worth it? Some of it was, I think. I think it wasn't the healthiest choice, yet I gained much for my sorrow and pain.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:08 PM
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Still awake. Watched 'The Closer'. Have a bit of a headache.
posted by Bald Jason at 01:47 PM
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Still awake. Spent a lot of time on Facebook. Read some of my book. Ate a little. I need some more FOOD. Might read some more until I sleep.
posted by Bald Jason at 05:16 PM
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Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Read a bit after the last entry then slept until around 11:30pm. I got up. Called a friend (Jeff) and he was at a bar downtown. I got a voicemail from my sister Janice and called her back and we talked and it was nice. We're planning on visiting our father 2 weeks from tomorrow. I went to meet Jeff at the club but didn't tell him I was coming and he left...but My friend Jon was there and I met his friend Shawn who cheered me up with his conversation. It was nice to be out and talking. It wasn't sexual or flirty...it was just very nice, and I didn't hurt mentally or physically for a few hours which was nice. There were other old friends there and it was a good time.
Came home. Chatted with Mark. Harvested and plowed my farm. Read some stuff. Chilling now. Probably go back to sleep.
No progress on my kidney stone. :-0(
posted by Bald Jason at 03:34 AM
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I didn't go back to sleep. I played online. I jacked off / showered. I took my prilosec. Had some cranberry juice. Did the dishes. Scrubbed the cabinets / fridge / sink in the kitchen; filled the soap dispenser. On my 2nd load of laundry. I'm tired but I have energy...and I hate to waste it.
I'd like to get groceries this morning. I'm trying to be excited about food again. Not sure I can in my current condition but I'm so fucking sick of toast and shakes which has been the basis of my diet since my jaw locked in November. If my life is going to change painfully, I want to make sure it's worth it and not waste the time I have.
This isn't stopping me from crying. I feel better, yet feel like I've lost something I might not have ever had. I don't regret the time I spent with Michael; I know at heart he's a good person and that I gave my all and can be proud of that...though I did go a bit crazy between October and now, but I think that's understandable given the stress and pain and fear and desperation I've been feeling.
There is something going on in my brain that I'm not sure is a good or bad thing. It's kind of crazy and might not be healthy; I'm not sure. Maybe it's my way of coping? I don't know. All I know is that I've been seriously fucked up since I learned the truth about Michael cheating back in September. I know I want to get back to how I felt before that...and I think I can do it. I think I can. It's just the physical crap (stomach / jaw) getting in my way right now and if my struggling with some dark thoughts, that's pretty normal isn't it?
Just wish me luck.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:10 AM
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Talked to Michael on the phone on his way to work; he was having chest pains; I hope he's ok. Later I played a game. I read the news. I did more laundry. Chatted a bit. Talked to Mark when he got up to help his family move some stuff (he should be back around 6pm) - he was pleased with the cleaning I'd done in the kitchen. I'm still doing laundry though I'm getting tired now. I was having some acid issues so I took a zantac. I'd really like to go to Whole Foods later but I'm not sure I'll be awake. Michael is planning on coming over after work to stay the night...for conversation and cuddles...I think I'm ok with that now. We'll see.
I need to hang my clothes up. Maybe I'll read a bit when I'm finished.
posted by Bald Jason at 11:28 AM
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Hung my clothes up. Brought another load to my room. Put more in the washer and dryer. I got some new mashups. All was going well but then my stomach freaked out. I'm trying very hard to not let it get to me. I took a lavender Epsom Salt soak to relax...concentrated on my breathing. Think I'm handling things well today in spite of my stomach being horrible.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:34 PM
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Ok. New disgustingness. Is that a word? If not, it should be because it totally applys. I have painful, slimey (yet oddly pretty) green diarrhea. Ick. Ouch. I read up on it (here & here) and sources say not to worry about it as all kinds of things can cause green stool, including diarrhea. So can some medications, though they didn't list them. I hope all is well and that it's just my crazy system causing this. If it continues for more than a day or two I'll call a nurse at my doc's office.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:58 PM
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I just had an idea for a poem. Something healing and whimsical, yet I'm not sure I have the strength to write it. This doesn't bother me...the idea of the poem is enough.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:23 PM
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Was tired so slept for a bit. Up now, though still tired. I should have gotten groceries...but I was so exhausted. Michael is home, getting ready to come here. He's called several times and I get this odd feeling that he'd like to cancel; probably got an offer from some guy. But if he has he's not telling me...so he's coming over.
posted by Bald Jason at 08:12 PM
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Thursday, July 15, 2010
Michael arrived around 8:32pm. He wasn't here for long before I got dressed and we went to Whole Foods. Got some good stuff I think; got a few things I've never had; really hoping to keep up with trying new things, though my body is freaking out. We had a good conversation about us and where we are and why and how and how it will affect us. We stopped at McDonalds on the way home for more food for Michael (who also got some food at Whole Foods), and then came back here. Michael ate. I put away groceries and sorted some more laundry. We talked some more. Michael wanted to go to sleep. I took some meds, planted my Farm Town and then joined him. It was nice, only Michael was horny and I turned him down; letting him know that he could jack off if he wanted to and that I wasn't ruling out future sexual encounters with him but that for now it was just too soon; he said he understood and he agreed, and we tickled and wrestled like little kids and talked some more. He started feeling bad about how he had treated me...telling me that he feels bad when he's around me because of what he's done and that he had to go; that it was too soon. He also promised that he wasn't leaving to hook up with someone else but he needed to go. He left around 12:30am I think. I was sad to see him go, but did manage to get some sleep. Seeing Michael again was many things, but in the end I enjoyed seeing him and I'm worried what this will mean for us.
I'd like to note that while I was emotional a few time while hanging with Michael, at no time did I explode to the point that I was ill or shakey - I think I handled myself really well and I'm proud of that. I even confessed some stuff that was really hard for me.
At 12:48AM Michael texted me:
"I just don't deserve anything good in my life right now."
Worried. For him. What he did to me was horrible, but I still love him. I think the breakup was exactly the right thing to do, and that it may help us as people (even though it's difficult).
I woke up at 2:20am and got the above text from Michael then as I'd shut my phone off earlier because I was getting a call from Jeff while with Michael and I didn't want to be rude to Michael. Michael asked me questions about Jeff and I answered them; I asked if me going out bothered him and he said that it did a little but it was something he'd have to get over and work on, just as I was doing with the knowledge that he's been hooking up again; I guess he got a massage from some guy the other day and Michael said the guy sucked and he misses me doing it. He also said he has plans to go swimming with a guy on Saturday at some time. I feel like this should bother me, yet it currently doesn't.
So, back to the disgustingness of my bowels. Not green anymore. But I'm back to having HORRIBLE gas. Like, I have these HUGE farts that just happen again and again, which has been going on for a few weeks, yet my diet hasn't changed. My doctor told me that it was food related and that the 5 groups that usually cause gas are: Milk, Beer, Beans, Garlic & I don't remember the last one. I don't drink Milk or Beer; I've not had beans since 1995; I sometimes have garlic, and though I can't remember the other item on the list, I remember it was something that I don't eat...some kind of meat maybe? Anyways...I think something is seriously wrong in my ass and not sure what to do next, as my doctor seemed to dismiss it pretty quickly. I do have an appointment with him on the 29th...perhaps it will clear up by then? Yet I've no idea what's going on in there and it's freaking me out.
It's freezing in my room. I'm gonna adjust the air, check on my laundry, and maybe call Michael to see if he's ok.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:43 AM
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I talked to Mark after the last entry and got some more laundry started. Then I called and left a voicemail on Michael's phone. I also tried vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips, which are awesome! Then I slept for about 4 hours. I woke up from a dream that I was involved in the filming of Top Gun and that Tom Cruise was fired from the movie for being a dick and we had to kind of wrap the story around the footage we already had that's how we came up with - but managed to make a hit movie none-the-less. Funny.
I'm thinking of starting to keep a journal on what I eat and when. That doesn't sound like a big deal, but for someone who's had food issues for 1 reason or another it's very daunting.
I stopped writing this entry for like 40 minutes to write on Facebook. LOL
posted by Bald Jason at 09:05 AM
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Doing more laundry. Working on my Farm Town. Just saw the first glimpse at the Green Lantern costume for the movie; looks good I think. Thor costumes looks a bit odd (which I also saw) - though Anthony Hopkins makes a good Odin. Supergirl & Pa Kent will return in the final season of Smallville. It's always good to see familiar faces back in the final stretch, and though I wasn't a huge Supergirl fan I think they could wrap up her story with this appearance. I wonder what other characters will be popping up this season? It's also rumored that the main villain, or one of them is Darkseid (& Granny Goodness). I hope the series ends well; I think it probably will; they know what their fans want.
posted by Bald Jason at 10:39 AM
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I'm about to put my last load of clothes in the washer. I have a load in the dryer. I want to eat a sandwhich today. I want to read my book at some point today, and watch at least 1 episode of "Six Feet Under" (I watched 2x05 "The Invisible Woman" yesterday); I'm really glad I bought this DVD collection when I had the chance. I'd also like to get out of the condo today, and I might have something resembling a date tonight (with Jeff), though that hasn't been confirmed.
Some good news!
posted by Bald Jason at 11:36 AM
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I just had my sandwhich. Yum. Hope it doesn't upset my stomach. It was just a tofu dog with vegan cheese & a slice of whole wheat bread wrapped around it. I'm sipping a High Protein Boost now. Still have clothes in the washer and dryer, but I'm getting there.
Slightly stressed about an upcoming MRI appointment. What if my insurance doesn't cover it? I'll call once my stomach settles to try to sort that out.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:32 PM
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Dude. I've been thinking all day that it's FRIDAY! lol. Wow. Ok. A little less stressed now. So far, no tummy troubles.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:42 PM
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Worked on my farm some more. Finished my boost. Starting to get a headache. Might take something and take a nap.
posted by Bald Jason at 01:21 PM
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Whoa. My nap became actual sleeping, but I feel really good so no worries. Rest is good, and I've had such a horrible time sleeping lately. I'm calling it a win. Ooh. There are comments on my blog!
posted by Bald Jason at 09:10 PM
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Just after the last entry, Mark wanted to run to Borders so off we went! I bought 2 magazines; 1 for some AMAZING pictures, including 2 of Michael Jackson (which I thought was impossible) - and a Star Trek magazine that has really cool previews of upcoming Trek books. We also went to Kroger, Little Caesars (where I had 1 stick of crazy bread and some sips of pepsi) and then Meijer for more Epsom Salt...and deoderant. Ran into my old pal Will (who've made out with before) and his roomie? bf? Not sure. And I don't remember his name. I suck at names. It was good to get out of the condo and spend time with Mark.
posted by Bald Jason at 11:34 PM
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Friday, July 16, 2010
I talked to Jeff on the phone for about a half hour; I'll probably be seeing him tomorrow night. Not sure what he's looking for, but I'm trying to not expect anything, and just take whatever comes my way in a light-hearted kind of way. Just be chill, not taking it too seriously, while not being afraid of anything. I'll take the good and skip right over the bad. Sounds like a plan to me. ;-0)
Apparently, when I made my sandwhich this morning and grated the cheese up and put it in a bowl...I left it out and it's now ruined! Ugh! I'm disappointed by my own thoughtlessness! Oh well...at least I had that sandwich. I'll get some more cheese as soon as I can make it out to Whole Foods.
Michael Eisinger commented on my blog earler and I want to call him, but I'm not sure he's awake this time of night. Plus, Michael Slaughter is going to be calling me soon on his way home from work and I don't want - oh - he's calling now. lol
posted by Bald Jason at 01:24 AM
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Talked with Michael S. while he drove home and started dishes. Slept for like 5 minutes. The drug to help me pee is said to make you dizzy when you stand up too fast and boy does it ever! Speaking of that, I've had no pain in my peen for like 3 days and no signs whatsoever of the kidney stone. I have no clue what's going on there, but I'm not complaining. Also, I'm not as gassy today, and my hemmorhoids are noticeably improved - I hope it lasts.
Just read some TORCHWOOD news! They're casting the new characters for the 10 episode series. Michael Ausiello had this to say:
"I’ve gathered on the new season (airing on my new favorite cable network, Starz), the show is out to cast a new series regular — Rex Matheson, a wickedly funny (operative word: wicked) CIA agent born to make waves. Almost as key to the new season are recurring characters Esther Katusi, a CIA grunt in her early 20s who learns what she’s really made of only when she’s forced to, and Oswald Jones, a convicted murderer and pedophile who will be as shocked as anyone to learn how easily infamy and fame can be exchanged for one another."
TV Guide seems to make clear that the pedophile is the villain of the piece:
"And Starz's new season of Torchwood is shaping up with the search for one series regular and two supporting roles. Rex Matheson is a white, twenty-something CIA agent who sounds sort of like FX's animated Archer spy: a fearless, cocky thrill seeker. Recurring characters include Esther Katusi, a newbie Watch Analyst in the CIA who is deeply (and secretly) in love with Rex. And Oswald Jones is the dangerous psychotic villain. He's a forty-something murderer and pedophile who gets sprung from the slammer into the spotlight. Rex — catch this sicko!"
John Barrowman has been quoted as saying the series will begin filming in January and will air sometime next year. ;-0) Squee!
There's been more casting news for the fast-tracked upcoming X-Men prequel "X-Men: First Class", which sounds like a possible reboot, but still may be an in-continuity prequel to the previous X-Men trilogy, and sequel to X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Filming on Wolverine 2 is rumored to begin in January 2011. And there is also work on a Deadpool movie starring Ryan Reynolds, who played the character in the first Wolverine movie - but it's been said that even with the same actor in the role, the movie might be in a separate continuity - which I think is kind of sad. There are ways of making that movie in-continuity, without keeping the changes to the character in that film. There's also early talk of an 'X-Men 4' which is the one I'd really love to see, but I'm glad we're getting movies at all.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:10 AM
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Went to Michael's to return some stuff he left here. I didn't call because he said it was fine if I stop by AND that he wasn't planning on having sex with anyone for at least a few days. When I got there he was walking out with Dave, one of the guys he cheated on me with. I knew right away they'd just fucked and I went back to my car without being noticed. I sat there while I calmed down then went inside. Michael was on the phone with a mutual friend who was having a rough and apparently drunken night. I told Michael what I saw and he told me they did have sex but that it wasn't planned and...it was weird but I wasn't upset. I was a bit worried that they might have had unprotected sex because Michael used to do that with Dave, and Michael had told me the other day that this had changed thanks to my example...but he told me that they had used protection and I was proud of him. We talked the weirdness away; I love him, though it's weird to have such a full frontal friendship with someone who was my boyfriend less than a week ago. Crazy. I stayed and cuddled for a bit, but didn't feel like sleeping so came home.
I had a light snack. I might have some fruit in a bit. I might take a bath. We'll see.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:13 AM
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I'm still awake. Don't know where all the time went. I ate a few times; had some mixed fruit and later a sandwich. I wrote some e-mail and comments on Facebook. I watched 2 episodes of 'Six Feet Under'. I talked to Michael on his way to work. But I need to sleep now so I can hit Necto tonight (to see this Jeff person).
Sleepy.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:06 PM
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Saturday, July 17, 2010
So...after the last entry I went to bed with a headache and some Midrin, and woke up around 5 hours later. It was 11:30pm I think. I hurredly showered and got ready for my 'date' that I was meeting at Necto. Before I left I sent an e-mail to Shawn, letting him know that I wished he'd be there (cause he's awesome) and I texted Jeff to let him know I'd be there soon. When I arrived I texted him letting him know exactly where I was and what I was wearing so he could come find me, and he responded that he was in the red room. No other info than that. Not a good start. I left my hat & jacket in the lighting booth, got a drink, and headed downstairs; I texted him letting him know where I was downstairs but he didn't respond. I danced. He still hadn't responded and this guy asked me to dance which we did...it was fun and sexy. Later we went upstairs and talked a lot. His name is Kwame and he's 26; never been in a serious relationship; cute; funny - and considerate, which I was pretty sure my 'date' wasn't. I confessed I was there to meet someone and texted the guy letting him know where I was again; Jeff responded that he'd taken his shirt off and was looking for me. He found me. Um...why he found me I don't know because he then continued to ignore me almost the rest of the night, constantly leaving me and saying he'd be right back - no chemistry; no tact; and not very attractive (that's me being generous); plus he'd scared Kwame away, who was actually cool. I eventually ran into Kwame again and asked if he wanted to hang out (letting him know I wasn't talking about hooking up); he agreed and we left (with Jeff stopping me to find out if I was leaving - like he was suddenly interrested - whatever). I took Kwame back to my place and he & Mark & I sat talking downstairs when I rememebered that I'd left my hat and jacket at the bar - which was now closed. Back to the bar we went, where the door guys went and got my stuff for me! Thanks guys! Back to my place. More conversation. More relaxed low-key fun. Then I took Kwame home. I came home.
I texted Michael when I got him and he called me. We talked for a bit. I cried. I miss him. I don't miss the uncertainty or the pain, but I miss the perfect idea of him from last summer. He said he was there for me if I wanted to come over and I said goodbye thinking I'd go over in a beat and cuddle with him. Only my stomach, which has been calm for days, randomly gave me problems. I texted Michael to let him know I wouldn't be over and why, but that if he was free later I could hang out and we could play Wii or something.
(This up and down of happy and sad is normal after a breakup...and I'm sure I'll mellow out eventually but it's fucking confusing as hell right now.)
Then my headache returned. Full Force. I took midrin and a hot shower...then cuddled with Mark (who also had a headache) in his bed, eventually falling asleep. I woke up around 1:30pm. Got up. Took meds. And did Facebook stuff. There aren't any messages from Michael. We'll see what happens next.
Thanks for being there last night Mark.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:48 PM
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I ate. Had a sandwich with some Silk. I've been trying to eat smaller portions of food to help with the gastroparesis. Maybe it will work.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:20 PM
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My headache is coming back. I tried to take a nap but the neighbors are doing some construction. They were nice enough to come ask if it was a problem but Mark told them it wasn't and that we could wear earplugs...only since my jaw got messed up it hurts me to wear earplugs. Not having a great day, but only because of all the annoyances. Oh. And the Mooreville Reunion was today, only nobody bothered to tell me.
Gonna go hang out with Michael. Watch Star Trek & maybe play Wii.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:33 PM
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Sunday, July 18, 2010
Hung out with Michael last night. When I got there he was asleep on the couch so I went to the bedroom and slept a bit too. When he got up we watched DS9's "Soldiers of the Empire", "Children of Time", "Blaze of Glory", "Empok Nor", "In the Cards" & "Call to Arms". We then watched Voyager's "Worst Case Scenario", & "Scorpion, Parts I & II". I napped on and off throughout the episodes but fell right to sleep when we went to bed after (around 5am), having exchanged maybe 10 sentences with him the entire time.
I woke early; around 9am. I got up and played online, read news and such. Went back to bed and noticed my hand twitching; a possible sign of a condition caused by my meds. I've had random twitches before, and several nightmares about getting this condition...both because it's usually permanent...and because it would mean I'd have to stop taking my Reglan and not be able to keep food down any longer. That, mixed with the odd feeling of being more alone in Michael's company had me sobbing. I cried several times throughout the day.
I joined Michael in the shower when he got ready for work (around 1:30pm) and it was like there was an emotional wall between us, even stripped of clothing. He had an erection and I stroked him off from behind him, crying as I did so, though he didn't know. It was... I was feeling so much, but feeling so alone...like I'd lost so much.
After the shower we watched Voyager's "The Gift" and then we both left; he to work and I back to the condo. I talked to Mark about everything. I'd called him from Michael's apartment that morning to tell him of my fears. He said that he had cried earlier thinking about it. I cried again as I spoke to him.
I later spoke to my new friend Shawn on the phone as Mark drove us to Meijer and then Whole Foods. Shawn is cute, and he's funny, and I'm getting to know him which is nice. I don't know if we'll stay friends, or if there's chemistry there for something else? It's hard to say, but I'm guessing no, and I'm just gonna pursue the friendship. Friends are good. If there's something more there then it will happen, and if not, I'm not worried about it. I let him go so I could shop at Whole Foods.
I got some Kiwis, Strawberries, Vegan Cheese, fries, soy cream, vegan chips - that might be all. I can't remember and I'm TIRED.
I've just been playing on the computer since I got home. I should call Shawn back. I might try to watch an episode of Six Feet Under before I pass out.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:45 PM
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Monday, July 19, 2010
I read the new Entertainment Weekly. Went to bed around 10pm. Woke up around 3:50am. Called Michael as I missed a call from him; left him a voicemail. He called me back, wanting to know if I was ok. I'm not. I stopped taking the reglan and now my belly is all in knots. I watched the new True Blood; I liked it.
Michael's online looking for sex right now. This shouldn't bother me, but it does. I hurt. Physically and emotionally. How do I make it stop?
I have an MRI appointment at 8am.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:26 AM
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I feel trapped by my emotions and my circumstances. I feel afraid of what's been done to my body; afraid of what's been done to my heart; afraid I won't recover. I feel alone. I feel...lost. I don't know how to get back to where I was. And even if I do, I'm afraid I'll never have what I had with Michael ever again. And the thing is...I DIDN'T even have it with Michael. It was all a fucking lie. I was just stupid enough to believe it.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:02 AM
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I can't stop crying. I was fine. I had been depressed for several months and I then I was fine when I met him. And I wasn't looking. I was content on my own. But he pursued me. A fun date and a one night stand and I was fine, and he kept coming back. And he told me he wanted to marry me. And the whole time he was fucking around. Not just with 1 guy. Not just 1 time. And I gave him another chance. And another. And another. And I feel so fucking stupid. Why do I hurt like this? I should be happy. But I don't want to lose him as a friend either...like, if we take the sexual componant out, then he can't hurt me that way anymore...only it still does and I can't figure out why. Why does it hurt me?
And I was going to make everything better by getting back to eating and taking care of myself...only now...without my meds...I don't think that's possible anymore. I cry every fucking day lately...and Mark helps me...and Michael tries...and I have good moments where I think I might be better and then it hits me all over again. I don't know what to do.
Except I have to get dressed and go to my MRI appointment.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:27 AM
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My MRI went ok (I cried through most of the ride there), though I had to hold my jaw open and it's a bit sore now. Still depressed. Still not sure what I need to do. I do feel slightly better; talking to Mark helped a bit. I think the crying helps a little too. And the Xanax is probably helping too.
I need to talk to Michael, but I'm not sure now is the time.
I made an appointment with my G.I. doctor for Friday...only it's not my doctor because she left at the start of the month...so a new doctor who's not familiar with my problem. Hopefully that goes well.
posted by Bald Jason at 11:04 AM
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Slept for a few hours. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything...and that I should be doing something, yet everything I think to try seems pointless. Not sure what the fuck is wrong with me. I know I've felt this way in the past but I don't remember how I found my way out of it.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:31 PM
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Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I started feeling a bit better after the last entry thanks to some rocking mashups and conversation with Mark. I later slept from around 9pm - 5:30am. I harvested and planted my farm. Harvested and planted again at 7:30am. Been chatting and chilling online all morning. Feeling ok. Ok is better than terrible. I haven't been crying in about 24 hours and that's progress.
I went to gay.com this morning and saw that Michael has a new profile - and he used his actual name and not his fake name (Collin) which he used to use. This made me smile for some reason. I sent a friend request.
The latest season of Who comes to DVD November 9, 2010. Apparently there are 2 mini-episodes as bonus features which is cool bonus to have, though it may change how I view Season 31 of the Whoniverse. We'll have to wait and see. They're filming the Christmmas Special right now. It's possible we'll get another mini-episode or special before the end of the year. The 3rd Season of Sarah Jane will most likely be out on DVD sometime this fall, as will the 10th Doctor animated special, 'Dreamland'. Sarah Jane Adventures season 4 will air this fall as well.
I hope my ok / good mood lasts. I need to eat but I'm worried there will be consequences to such an action. I have an appointment on Friday about my issues with the Reglan and possible solutions / options, which I'm trying not to stress about. Maybe I can get some stuff done today.
posted by Bald Jason at 11:08 AM
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Worked on my farm. Chatted more. Ate a sandwich, which so far, hasn't come back up. Started cleaning with Mark...gifts from Michael are making me sad I think. Hope it doesn't ruin my day.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:41 PM
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Cleaning. Snacking on green seedless grapes. I tried a new mixed fruit / veggie drink which is pretty good, but my stomach doesn't love it as much as my mouth does.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:03 PM
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Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Cleaned with Mark yesterday evening for about an hour. Did some laundry. Snacked. I managed to keep everything down despite my lack of meds. All good things.
I chatted online with several interesting, supportive, sympathetic, hot guys last night / yesterday. Often times, when you're NOT looking for sex, gay men ignore you in chat rooms, and I certainly got snubbed by several guys, but I also met these great guys, which was helpful and appreciated.
I spoke to Michael on the phone while he drove home from work. His ex-bf Scot is apparently moving in with him again, which I understand. The only real downside to this is that Scot might be bringing cats to the apartment...which means: 1) I won't be able to visit as often, if at all. 2) Michael's new furnature will soon be destroyed. I guess Michael doesn't want the cats there though so Scot is gonna see if his boyfriend can keep the cats.
I went to bed a little after Midnight and woke up around 6:30am. Might go back to sleep.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:59 AM
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Worked on my farm this morning. Spoke to Michael on his way into work. Watched the new episode of 'The Closer'. Had strawberries & kiwi for breakfast though they weren't as good as I expected; later had a shake and a slice of toast - managed to again keep everything down. Slept. Had odd nightmares. Woke around 3:30pm. Finising up some laundry. doing the farm some more.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:17 PM
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Thursday, July 22, 2010
Mark & I went to some book stores then to Michael's to drop off some stuff he left our place. We couldn't stay long, which sucked, but later it was worse. Michael was looking to hook up online and I wanted to get out so I shaved and showered and went to Aut Bar. Ran into Shawn & Jon again. Met Joe & Courtney & her gay friend. Talked with Shawn & Joe for a few hours after the bar closed, then headed home. Had fun. Saw Michael was online after I got home and had some cyber stuff going on - he invited me over to sleep tonight but I can't make it out there tonight. It's weird...he's had all this sex since we broke up...he says he's doesn't feel anything; that he's shut his emotions off and is just going on autopilot - I worry about him.
I'm EXHAUSTED.
posted by Bald Jason at 05:04 AM
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Went to bed right after the last entry. Woke up around 10:30am. Harvesting some of my farms. Just read that Caprica 1.5 won't be airing this fall afterall! It won't be back until January 2011!?! WTF? Erg. Anyways, looks like Caprica & the Spartacus prequel (Spartacus: Gods of the Arena) will both be back next year...it just sucks waiting. I mean...these split seasons mean we get less of Caprica than we should. We get 1 season in 2 years, instead of 2 seasons in the same time. Fans will die in that time and never get to see what happens. :-0(
posted by Bald Jason at 11:01 AM
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Got some calls from Michael. One on his way to work, and then a sweet voicemail where he heard a song on the radio which reminded him of us - a love song. He sang the song badly, but it made me smile as it was very sweet. He's a great guy...with a problem. I really wish he'd get some help because I think he could beat it, but he won't even admit he has a problem....which makes me sad.
I watched 4 episodes of 'Six Feet Under'; I have 2 episodes left in Season 2, which I may watch today as I'm loving it again. Doing the farm thing right now.
Oh. And I ate again today with no problems again!?! I don't want to get too excited about it because I'm sure it's just a fluke, but I'm so happy to not be on my pills yet still not be puking. It's a huge relief.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:41 PM
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Finished season 2 of Six Feet Under. Very intense stuff for me; there was a major plot line about a sex addict and someone who was coupled with them. Gonna make a shake and continue with Season 3. I've seen the next episode I think, but nothing beyond that one.
posted by Bald Jason at 08:59 PM
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Friday, July 23, 2010
I watched the first episode of Season 3 of Six Feet Under, and most of the 2nd before passing out around Midnight. I woke up around 6am. I had dreams I was in middle school and got in a fight; kicked his ass. lol. There were also interesting conversations, a lunch room for midgets, and a celestial choir.
I got two interesting e-mails yesterday, which I just responded to. One was from Joe, whom I met at Aut Bar Wednesday night. The other was from Christopher (who now goes by Topher), a Canadian guy that I dated briefly a little over ten years ago. He was nice and we had a good time together, but I was going through a lot and was overly emotional. At least 1 guy has contacted me since then asking about him, possibly 2. 1 was a boyfriend of his who tracked me down and knew stuff about me so I know that Chris talked about me, but he wouldn't tell me how to contact Chris, which made me think the bf felt threatened by me, which seems so fucking silly! We seriously only dated for about a month, if that. I remember him well, and it's all good, but that's all it was. Anyways - it was nice to hear from him.
I left my ringer on when I went to sleep, expecting Michael would call on his way home from work but it looks like he didn't. Perhaps he had a date? I hope he had fun whatever he was doing. I hope he starts feeling again some day...and knows happiness. :-0)
My online farm will be ready to harvest in an hour or two. I think I'll at least finish that episode of Six Feet Under; I think I have 34 episodes left in the series. I have a G.I. appointment about my meds at 2:30 I think.
posted by Bald Jason at 08:40 AM
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I watched more 'Six Feet Under'; 8 more episodes left in Season 3. I took an Epsom Salt bath. I'm trying very hard to keep my stress levels as low as possible. It sounds weird, but if I don't try to keep my stress levels down...they spike, and then I get very unhappy and my health goes all wonky, which sucks all around.
I just read that Mollie's had s seizure and cut herself with a knife she was using to prepare food! I don't often think about how my life could be improved through money, but when reading that I had a daydream about us all living together, and we had a friendly, happy maid that loved preparing Mollie's food for her.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:36 PM
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Chatted with Shawn. He's nice.
Watched more 'Six Feet Under'. Getting ready for my doctor's appointment. It's interesting to me (and I'm not complaining), but...my stomach hasn't had any problems this week, and I've not had any Reglan. It's kind of amazing to me. But I think it might be because I've been doing such a good job of controlling my stress. I wish I could do so well all the time.
posted by Bald Jason at 01:54 PM
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Made it to the doc appointment on time. Met my new doc; pretty girl. So...things went well, and I thought we had a plan of action...only another doctor came in and sort of took over and now I'm doing a completely different thing, which has me very nervous. I'm having another gastric emptying test...and then depending on how that goes I'm probably having surgery. I'm trying not to stress about that but having trouble as my last surgery was so fucking horrible...erg.
Michael's not going to Heather's going away party cause he's having friends over. He says if I want to see him I can come over too, but I don't want to intrude on his making friends. Feeling slightly at odds with the world around me.
I need to chill.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:00 PM
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Managed to relax without drugs. Chilling. Chatting. Talked to Michael on the phone several times. It's been storming most of the day. I'm sleepy.
posted by Bald Jason at 08:56 PM
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Chatted with Alex. Played some games. Watched more Six Feet Under; 5 more episodes in Season 3. Shawn was going to Necto tonight, or said he might; said he'd text me but I've not gotten one. I'll probably just stay in and go to sleep; I'm very tired. Michael said he'd call when he gets off of work.
posted by Bald Jason at 10:58 PM
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Saturday, July 24, 2010
The night started out ok...then got odd...and then just sucked. Michael called me and let me know that he was sorry we broke up; that he missed me being around which was nice. He also told me that he wasn't going to hook up with anyone tonight. Then my online friend Alex, who I had a slight crush on, talked to me for a bit, then said I should get some sleep. This is something Michael has said to me a few times before looking for sex, which now sets my nerves on edge. Shortly after, a friend of mine called to ask my permission to sleep with Michael; who had just contacted him and said he was free tonight...then told me about the guy (Alex) who had also hit on him and wanted to have sex with him in the park tomorrow. I should just never date, ever again. I just have HORRIBLE taste in men.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:20 AM
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I called Michael to talk about the deception. He's mad now. I'm stressed. Shaking. The works. My friend is freaked. This week has been mostly good. I just have to chill.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:33 AM
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Tonight sucks. What if Michael never talks to me again? What if he does...but he's never truly honest with me? Is anyone ever truly honest with anyone? I don't know. But do people have to lie to me only to have those lies uncovered shortly after? It hurts. I took another Xanax to calm down, which in itself freaks me out kind of because I don't want to become addicted to that shit. Ugh.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:01 AM
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Slept a bit after the last entry. Got some texts from Michael...which were pretty hostile, followed by one that asked where should we go from here. I didn't have the answers. I wept in Mark's arms and then slept cuddled up with him for most of the day; waking up shortly before 4pm. I read e-mail. I later spoke to Mollie on the phone for nearly 2 hours; lots of laughter and love. I'll probably watch more Six Feet Under. I may read...yet I have that useless feeling; like nothing I do matters; like I'm not accomplishing anything.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:59 PM
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Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Slept after last entry, then about 5pm or so, Michael called me wanting to know if I wanted to meet at the Meijer by my house. I got ready and was leaving to meet him but he then said he was nearly done. I had flashbacks and stuff and I had to let him go but this really pissed him off; he left several voicemails, the 2nd of which said I should never call him again and the 3rd said he'd return my key later this week!?! lol. I don't know why he was so upset about this, but he was.
That morning was horrible. But something changed as the day went on. I decided I was going to go for a jog. Then a guy that's been chatting me up online offered to meet me at a cafe so I walked there instead, still get my exercise. Half way there he texted to say he'd moved to Expresso Royale. I met him there and ran into my friend Charles. It was good to meet this guy in person (Tom) and see Charles too. It was all cool, and I felt much better after the walk. Tom and I later moved to Cafe Zola and had a great visit; chatting and getting to know one another. New Friends! yay!
I walked home from that meeting feeling great, though my stomach was slightly off. I made it home though. About 3 miles round trip, which isn't much, except I usually get zero exercise. I noticed that the crops on Michael's Farm Town (which were ready that morning) hadn't been harvested and would most likely die so I texted Michael and he said 'please' harvest them, which I did. Later, Mark & I went to Whole Foods, Meijer, Kroger & Little Caesars. I had crazy bread and some soda. I got some new groceries but didn't try them. I did the Farm thing and then went to bed.
I woke up around 8am I think. I noticed that Michael had called around 12:30am, but I had been asleep. I called and left him a message later (not wanting to wake up) but haven't heard back from him since. I hope he's ok and that we aren't really gonna lose touch. I'd miss him terribly.
Today I decided I'd go for another walk and invited Mark along. We walked up to Kerry Town and visited Jeremy Merklinger at the salon; it was so good to catch up with him - his 32nd birthday is today? Or is it his 33rd? I don't know. I spent his 29th with him in 2006 so this must have been his 33rd. Happy Birthday Jeremy. Apparently he's moving to Israel next year!?! So glad I saw him when I did, and I hope everything works out for him!
I got a text from Shawn asking where I ended up walking and it turned out he was downtown as well so Mark & I met up with him. We went to the comic shop and then Starbucks. I got a carmel frap. We took the scenic root home, then went to Hiller's, Petco & Borders, then Red Robin, then back to Aut (where Shawn's car was) - the company was so much fun and the exercise such a great release. The frap was delicious and I ran into 3 people I knew from Hollywood Video. :-0) Shawn went home after that. Mark & I ran through Aut Bar (there was nobody there) and then home.
I fooled around on Facebook for awhile, then shaved and showered and shaved some more. Put on eyeliner, jewelry, clothes and went to Necto. The music mostly sucked and Yoda wouldn't shut the fuck up, but I managed to have a bit of fun. Bobby was there and he introduced me to his boytoy John & John's sister Ashley. Becky was there and I got 2 free drinks. Danced on stage. Came up at 1:58 and wrote this.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:36 AM
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Stayed up a long time after the last entry; not getting to bed until after 8am. I chatted with a guy named Seth for several hours. I'm grateful for the people I've met in this time, who aren't freaked out that I'm not looking to hook up. He was funny, and kind, though we had some philosophical differences, but we were civil about them. A good way to end the morning.
I've had some strange urges lately. Just odd rushes of emotion that probably lots of people go through at times like these. I've discussed them with Mark and he's been very supportive...reassuring me that if I'm not hurting anyone that I shouldn't feel bad for following certain impulses...unless they're self destructive. I'm not certain how to quantify them. It's complicated. Everything seems so complicated now that I'm constantly trying to simply things to keep me sane. That's why I'm not having sex; because sex tends to complicate things. That's why I'm trying to concentrate on the little things. Just making it through the day.
I slept until around 2pm I think. I posted some stuff on Facebook. Traded texts with Shawn; he had fun yesterday. I texted with Michael, which was pretty...cold but not rude. I'd called him last night too and it was the same thing; like there's a wall there that wasn't before. If he needs that wall to get through this then I guess it's ok...I just hope it won't always be there.
I had a shake, which was too big, and I'm having to not do much now because of it. I'd have loved to have gone for another walk today, but I'm running out of time now.
Mike Anderson dropped by for a vist to return some Doctor Who DVDs and get the last of my Star Wars Books, plus some Doctor Who dvds I burnt for him. It was great to see him; he was maybe here for a half hour, but it was fun.
I watched the new episode of 'The Closer'; it was pretty good, and I'm enjoying this season more than the previous one.
I'm feeling slightly off today. After Sunday & Monday turned out so great...today has been a slight disappointment...I think because of all the emotional stuff I'm trying to process today. It's rough territory. I hope I get it all sorted out soon.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:31 PM
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Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Jennifer called me after the last entry and we had a good chat. I heard her problems and she heard mine. It wasn't huge or anything but it's always nice to touch base with her. :-0)
Went to Aut Bar around 10:30pm, for Jeremy's 33rd Birthday Party. I gave him a cd with tracks from his aborted cd project (circa 2006), which he put away for later use. He gave me a kiss a friendly cuddle. I met his boyfriend, and some of his friends, including Tom, whom I had something resembling a date with on Sunday, so that was a nice surprise. Had a good time. I didn't drink at all. Saw lots of people I knew (Michael, Keith, Jon, Calvin, Jordan). I gave Tom a ride home so he wouldn't have to walk and there was some kissing - I'm pretty sure there could have been a lot more, which is sweet because Tom is awesome (sexy, funny, clever, hot) but I'm just not ready and I think it's better to go at my own pace and not force anything. Still, it was very nice, and very flattering. Came home and wrote this. ;-0)
posted by Bald Jason at 01:46 AM
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Michael called me at 1:52am. He was on his way home from Ferndale, having driven a friend home (Douglas?) who had stayed at Michael's all of yesterday watching Charmed. Michael insists they're just friends, and I hope that this is the first of many; Michael needs new friends. We managed to have a civil conversation; he says he's happy that I'm moving on; I told him it's hard, but I'm getting through it. And if I have the random sex fantasy about him that's to be expected. lol. He says he's been eating more fruits & vegtables, which is good news. He let me go so he could figure out the detour he'd have to take home.
I'm tired. And I might sleep. Sleep is probably a very good idea. We'll see if I can actually do it.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:46 AM
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Slept well. Woke with headache. Talked to Michael; he got the Meijer job! And he's leaving Arby's. I'm really hoping these changes help him have a happier life. We talked about friends and how our relationship is changing; he feels left behind - like I'm doing more now than I was with him...and I am, but only because when I was with him I was STRESSED and he didn't like me talking to other people, which I do now. I told him I feel left behind too, what with all the sex he's having and how that changes our dynamic, but I think the strangeness of it all is normal and as long as we can respect one another and hold on to the love that kept us together for so long, even when things between us were rough, then we'll be ok. He may have hurt me more than any other man, but I don't doubt that he loves me. And I love him. That's a pretty good beginning to a friendship.
Talked to Janice. Meeting her, the kids and dad at Abe's around 1pm. We might come back here but this place is a MESS! lol. I took some Midrin and a hot shower, which helped. Read some news, including some exciting BSG / Caprica news! New BSG series and projects in the works!?! Awesome! As long as they don't fuck up anything from BSG I'm good with all of it! :-0)
I should get ready.
posted by Bald Jason at 12:16 PM
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Thursday, July 29, 2010
Met Dad, Janice & the kids at Abe's at 1pm. Hung there for a bit and then back to the condo. Ate. Hung out. It was all good. Spoke to Michael briefly online; he wasn't feeling good. We (Mark & I) took dad home while Janice and the family went to meet more family on their way home. After we got home I checked on Michael who was still feeling ill, then Mark & I walked to Borders. I talked to Mollie on the phone, which was great. We shopped the books; not buying anything of course because everything is fricking expensive there. Mark got icecream and I got a coffee drink and we sat at some tables on State Street. From there we went to Aut. Lots of people I knew there, plus some new ones. Tom joined us so Mark got to meet him. A fun time was had by all. Mark & I walked home and I've been chilling since then.
I have a doctor's appointment at like 8:30am which I'm NOT looking forward to. I so need to sleep.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:40 AM
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Can't Sleep. :-0(
New Caprica Trailer! January 2011! New secrets from the world of BSG. And with new BSG elements in the works, the show could be even more epic than it already is.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:34 AM
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Slept for 2 hours before getting up for my appointment, only I FELT horrible. Sleep deprived and stomach upset, so I cancelled. The reason for today's visit was pretty murky at this point anyways, as the tests that I was meant to have done never happened because I found out I had a kidney stone less than 24 hours after my last appointment. I'm SO tired but I'm trying to stay up for a bit so that I'll be more awake tomorrow morning for my gastric emptying tests, which are apparently far more important. Blah.
posted by Bald Jason at 08:27 AM
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Slept for a few hours. Feel kind of blah.
Michael said he'd call last night and didn't. I hope he's ok.
posted by Bald Jason at 01:22 PM
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Talked to Michael earlier. He's fine. He got a professional massage today.
Still feeling somewhat 'off' today. I just finished watching Season 3 of Six Feet Under; 2 more seasons (24 episodes) to go.
posted by Bald Jason at 08:18 PM
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Friday, July 30, 2010
Went for a late night walk with Mark. We walked around the block, then went to Little Caesers for crazy bread. Had a great conversation with Mike that works there. Parked the car at Aut Bar. Went inside for a minute then walked across campus to Pinball Pete's; played some games, and headed back to the car. The walk was long and the company of Mark was fantastic. Exercise. Exciting thoughts of possible futures. The only down side was missing Michael and my stomach was a bit upset.
Came home. I watched some behind the scenes 'Six Feet Under' for Season 3. Michael called and we talked for a bit. He'd just fucked an old friend of his. It doesn't bother me to hear that now at all. It kind of turns me on, and I hope we can keep the open dialogue and honesty going. We're between partners and friends and we're in a very odd place. Very odd. Lots of layers of meaning. I hope we come out of this ok.
I want to try new things. Not just new foods, but like this walking kick I'm on. I want to go camping. I want to maybe go boating or horseback riding or skateboarding. Something. If I can just get the stomach stuff under control, which it mostly has been, then I could get some new experiences in! I could get a job if I didn't need all those meds! I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it's not easy.
I need to sleep. Gotta be up around 8am.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:31 AM
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Slept for about 5 hours; was on time for my tests at the hospital. I ate radioactive eggs, which mostly didn't upset my stomach; a huge improvement over the last time I took this test, but this might be because I ate less (they bring you bread as well, but last time it was plain and this time it was smothered in jam - which I don't like - so I skipped it). I then had pictures taken of my stomach every hour for several hours. The waiting room was FREEZING but they gave me blankets that Mark & I shared while we slept, played games, and just took care of each other while we had to be there.
Came home after. Took a bath. Played Farmtown - which has added new factories, seeds, trees, and a bunch of new products on existing factories. I talked to Michael on the phone while we worked on our farms. Later he called and said tonight would be a good night to cuddle; something I've been wanting, though he's been trying to give me space. I wanted to take a nap so I did that (for about 10 minutes) and then just layed there for about an hour, relaxing.
I got a text from Tom and I called him. We had a really interesting conversation and while I'm obviously going through something quite intense with Michael which makes me feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes (or more accurately, finding my mind) he seems to recognize that as something we all do from time to time and implies that he has unexplored depths himself. Really looking forward to knowing him better if I ever get the chance.
I traded e-mails with Chris Varney; hoping to hang out with her soon...possibly this coming week.
There is something going on with the Washer / Dryer. The washer is leaving the clothes wet and heavy, while the dryer isn't exactly drying. Ugh.
Michael is watching Voyager and waitng for me.
Shawn invited me to go to Necto with him and some friends but I already had plans. I appreciate the invite, but I don't feel like doing the bar thing tonight anyways. I SO need to clean my room!
And did I mention I seem to be going through some kind of sexual metamorphosis? It's really profound and exciting, yet disturbing on some levels...if I can just figure it all out that would be great!
posted by Bald Jason at 11:11 PM
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