Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I'm bored.

Sometimes when I'm bored I go to gay.com and just read peoples profiles. I don't start chats; I just read what people have written. It's interresting to see what some people will share and (more telling) what other people won't. It amuses me for a little while.

Today is my 5 month anniversary with Michael. It's gone fast...and slow, if that makes any sense. I think that's possibly the longest I've dated anyone in years.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:37 AM
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Ooh. The Sarah Jane Adventures will apparently be returning in October, with the most likely date seeming to be Thursday the 15th. :-0) Even if it started on the first day in October we'd be seeing Sarah Jane through December. We'll have at least 1 new Doctor Who special in November ("The Waters of Mars") and possibly 2 ("Dreamland"); with 2 airing in December as well. So October-December are Doctor Whoniverse months. Also coming in late October is Battlestar Galactica: The Plan (October 27). The 11th Doctor will get his own season in 2010; Caprica will being in January 2010; K9 Mark I will get his own series in 2010, with hoped for seasons for Sarah Jane & Torchwood as well (though the latter seems less likely at this point despite MASSIVE ratings for Series 3).

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:06 AM
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i can't sleep...

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:41 AM
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I didn't get to sleep until after 2pm. I slept until around 8. I checked my voicmail and thought it was around 6pm. I went to shave and shower and Michael had just arrived and he let me know it was now passed 8pm. We chilled for a bit then went to Whole Foods for my groceries. On the way to and from the store we took turns talking on the phone with one of Michael's old friends, who's name escapes me, but Michael calls him dad; he lives in Westland and is retired; they used to work together at Ford; he came out when he was 37. That's what I remember. lol. Um...I tried to keep the groceries simple as I'm low on food funds. I got more vegan cheese, tofu dogs, wheat bread, electrolyte water, some vanilla non-ice cream, strawberries (which I'm LOVING lately), and for new stuff I got some dark chocolate bars with berries and nuts (gross - I don't like dark chocolate at all), and some new 'ice cream' flavors (which I haven't tried yet): Passionate Mango & Snickerdoodle.

I also opened my recent purchase of Green Goodness which Mollie has me hooked on. It looks gross but tastes great, and has a disturbing amount of healthy stuff in it. I'd list all the stuff that's in it, but I don't have the bottle handy.

Michael & I had amazing impromptu sex and he was off like a flash while I showered. He's not staying the night as he has to be up super early and didn't bring his stuff with him, but he'll most likely be back tomorrow night for the whole night. Yay! Michael snuggles. 5 months and counting. We were nearly dead last week, but this weekend and today's visits have been sparkling clean. Hopefully it stays that way.

Mark is home. I'll probably go back to bed soon.

I need more chocolate boost. And Prilosec. And I'm aching for more of that milk chocolate / almond / raisin stuff that Mollie turned me on to.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:54 PM
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   Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I slept for a few hours after the last entry. Watched the news. Chilled. I'm kind of bored, but not sure what I'll get up to.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:52 AM
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Been working on my BSG pages.

Some shows returning that may please people I know:

September 8:
Melrose Place
90210

Michael said he didn't like the new 90210 but he might warm to it, and I'm guessing he might want to check out the new Melrose.

September 9:
Glee

Really want to see this show!

September 10:
Supernatuaral (Michael)
Vampire Diaries

Several peeps I know are excited about Vampire Diaries, but I've read those books (the first 4.5 anyways) and I'm not sure I can dig this series or not.

September 21:
Heroes

Mollie & Michael & I think Mark are all into this show. To me it's a waste of time and should have ended after the mostly excellent first season.

September 23:
Easwick
Law & Order: SVU

A new series based on The Witches of Eastwick. It will probably bomb, but I've always liked that story, so I'll be giving this a shot.

SVU I don't currently watch, but I like to think that someday I could watch the whole series as I mostly really enjoy it.

September 25:
Dollhouse

Watching Season 1 now.

Smallville

Season 8 was mostly great; can Season 9 keep up the good work?

September 27:
Brothers and Sisters
Desperate Housewives
Dexter
Family Guy

September 28:
Lie To Me

October 2:
Stargate Universe (might be good)
Star Wars: Clone Wars Season 2 (might be good)

October 9:
Ugly Betty

October 14:
Nip/Tuck

October 15:
Likely start date for Sarah Jane Adventures Season 3.

October 27:
BSG: The Plan on DVD

November 3:
V

Also in November:
Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:27 AM
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I watched more of Dollhouse today. It has potential, and sometimes it almost achieves it, but sometimes it's just really stupid...or the the 'acting' gets in the way. I love Amy Acker's character though. I have 5 more episodes to go.

I slept well today. I got a voicemail from Michael saying he was 'painfully tired' and that he was going to sleep when he gets home. He said I should call or text to tell him if I want him to come over, but if he's that tired I'd rather not disturb his sleep; he deserves to sleep well. I was looking forward to spending time with him tonight, but if he's that tired I don't want him driving. Hopefully I'll see him soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:32 PM
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So...yeah. Dollhouse. I'm pretty sure I just got to the episode that everyone raves about. Wow. Why can't this show be that good all the time? Maybe it will be after this one? We'll see. The name of the episode, for anyone wondering, is "Spy in the House of Love" and its episode 9 of Season 1. Anyone watching the show might give themselves these first 9 episodes to see if they want to continue, because that episode made the first 8 worth slogging through. The episode before it, "Needs", was pretty good too, but #9 is easily the best of the series so far as I've seen.

I'm gonna take a shower.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:25 PM
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   Thursday, September 3, 2009

Finished Dollhouse just seconds ago. Got VERY DARK at the end. Very cool. If you would have told me that the series would go in this direction at the beginning... Just...whoa. I'm kind of speechless.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:59 AM
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   Friday, September 4, 2009

I shaved today, which is odd as I've had facial hair for at least a month. I went to the grocery store, but had to limit my purchases as I only have $00.81 on my food stamp card. Blah. And oh yeah; I'm mostly broke. lol I'll survive. Michael's on his way over.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:47 AM
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   Sunday, September 6, 2009

Had a great night with Michael on Friday. Worked on my DCAU Timeline Saturday morning, and then slept. Michael left around 2pm to work on his geneology thing. I got up around 7pm, and burned a Doctor Who / Torchwood disc for Pat & Cara, who I met at DJ's later; Mike & Emily were also there (I returned their LOST DVD's), plus another guy that used to work at Hollywood (I think his name was John) and DJ's wife and kids. I chilled with them for 3 or 4 hours (talking about food, BSG / Caprica, the Whoniverse, Dollhouse and lots of other fun topics) then met Michael back at home. He was working on his laptop, doing his thing; we chilled for awhile. We slept for a bit but I got up to eat (early this morning). My stomach was feeling weird so I stayed up and worked on the DCAU Timeline again, getting most of 2040 done. With Batman Beyond, you mostly want to stick to production order, which is a lot easier than sorting out some of the other DCAU shows...however you do have to do some scrambling to make some of the elements fit together, but I think I've worked that all out and next time around I'll know what episodes to watch, in what order. Just as anyone else who finds my site will know.

I cuddled with Michael for a bit, then he left and I worked on the timeline a bit longer before going to bed again. Mark woke me up to go to his work party, but I had a terrible headache and wanted to stay in bed; that didn't help though; I woke up later with a worse one. I've been trying to not take my pain killer as often, but this time it was needed badly.

The DCAU Timeline thing is working out really well. Sometimes there are setbacks, but other times there are these moments that feel like they are signs that I'm getting it all in the correct order and it's all fitting together. Like how all the flashbacks concerning the deaths of Bruce's parents, him becoming Batman, and taking in Robin all fit together the way I think the episodes go. Well, part of me working on the Timeline in the last 48 hours or so has been me realizing that the information in the series implies season 1 of Batman Beyond is set in 2040, which is something that I don't think I've seen anywhere else online, and I had this little voice in the back of my head telling me that I was messing it all up...until I got to the final Mr. Freeze episode ("Meltdown") and his charachter says he's been that way for 'nearly 50 years' and he hasn't aged a day. I thought maybe this information would clash with something I'd done and I'd have to figure it out...only when I went back and looked what year I'd set his flashback which featured the accident that turned Victor Fries into Mr. Freeze, it was set in 1991, 49 years earlier! How perfect is that? ;-0)

Anyways, my head is still hurting so I don't feel like writing more. Except to say that I had a mostly great weekend. The season finale of True Blood is on tonight; maybe I'll get to watch the final 2 episodes of season 2 tomorrow?

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:29 PM
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   Monday, September 7, 2009

I'll post about this day later; it's just too painful right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:59 PM
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   Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The pain from the last 45 hours ebbs and flows. Some moments I want to slice out my insides; I imagine the details of it; I've experienced it before and remember it just as clearly as any episode of any show that I've ever loved. Other moments I crave clove cigarettes. One moment I was tempted to get drunk...just sit in my room and drink the liquor we keep downstairs but never touch. That would certainly be a new food experience for me. I want to go for a walk...or possibly a run. I want to lay down and sleep, as I've not done so for more than an hour a two in nearly 2 days time. I have no appetite, and for the first time in my life, that bothers me.

I was able to keep a Boost down with no problem, which was a good sign. It was also a godsend as the Boost washed down the Midrin, which I took the right dose of to kill the headache that was brewing...not enough to even risk dying in my own puke. The midrin killed the pain in my head and allowed me this mellowness.

I took a hot shower. I scrubbed with the bodywash that Michael bought me. I shaved recklessly, as if daring myself to bleed; nobody could blame me for a scratch or two on my scalp...and I rather like the burn of alcohol on fresh wounds. I used to be a cutter. I think it stopped in 1996. I used to carry a razor with me, that Mark took from me. It was the razor I used the first time I tried to kill myself. It's a happy memory now, but I don't miss it at all. It was a shitty bitty bic razor blade. lol

When the hot water was gone I dryed off and went over everything with a razor again; dry; no water or shaving cream. No cuts though, which I find oddly amusing. As I shaved I imagined killing myself after creating a living will and sending "The Thief of Always" to Mollie, with a note apologising for not being a stronger or better friend. I almost shed a tear that time.

As I flossed my teeth (a habit I've not been in for a long while) I started feeling like LIVING well might be the way to go. Keep eating the right foods; floss; brush; run...but never date. Just the act of flossing and brushing inspires lurid, lush fantasy time today.

My voice is ruined. When I speak I sound like a broken doll. I like it I think. It's a wretched sound that reflects what's going on inside my healthy looking body. You can see it in my red rimmed eyes though. This boy is on the verge... I almost erased the word boy and wrote man, thinking I'm much too old to be referred to as a boy...but the word man doesn't quite seem to capture me.

I know it's horribly pathetic, but I don't want to lose Michael. I don't. He could still tell the truth. He could still save something of what we were, while transforming us into something else. But I feel all of that slipping away. I told him about my crazy thoughts earlier and he's worried now; he wants to see me. It's like I've gone completely insane, and he's the lovely actor who will save me at the end of the movie. But the movies end...and then we walk away from them, even if we never forget.

I want to see Michael finish Battlestar Galactica, and watch Doctor Who, and Dollhouse, and Superman: The Animated Series.

I don't want to do without his cuddles, even if I love the feel of my big empty bed.

I don't feel like I'll ever trust another man ever again. I know that's what one expects to hear in such situations, but I really don't. I've been here so many times, and I just think I'm starting to learn my lesson. But then seconds roll by and I imagine myself healthy and happy, and possibly dating some random guy I've never even met yet. See...I've been here before and I know these feelings might fade away until I've forgotton how much love hurts. Like those women that give birth and then forget the horrors of labor.

Moments pass and I feel liberated. I can do whatever I want. I'm not talking about fucking strangers. I can read my 'Giovanni's Room' in the diag. I can run and laugh and play and sing and dance and be exactly what I want to be and I don't have to feel this aching death vibration ringing out from within my pores. I can smile.

But it's just not that easy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:23 PM
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A slight brightening of the clouds, which makes me smile, but my eyes are so red rimmed that they're cracking into dust. Perhaps sleep will find me if I just shut my eyes.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:06 PM
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   Thursday, September 10, 2009

I'm still broken. Still crazy. Still stunned and shaking. Still awake. I want the blood to flow, yet I don't want to clean up the mess of saddened friends...and I hate being dehydrated. I want to smash the mirrors. I feel beautiful and ugly, just as he is both beautiful and ugly; he's made me ugly. I want to know every detail. Part of me craves every word, action deed that went on behind my back; reclaiming them as my own...but my body is repulsed. I've jacked off dozens of times imagining watching him fuck other people, but the fantasy was tainted when he did so without my involvement or knowledge. I know I'm sick for thinking suck things. I want to ask him to leave. I want to beg him to stay. I wish I could sort out the Michael I knew from the Collin that fucked them. Part of me desires him, while part of me recoils from his touch; the touch that touched so many others before I knew the truth. I've always loved his cock and it never bothered me that he'd had so many lovers before me, because he was mine now and we were careful, and safe, and it had to be better than the others because we loved each other and I held his hand in public. Only now I think he was never really just mine. For less than 2 months he was mine.

People keep asking me what I need. I think I need time. Time to make the nightmare visions stop flooding my brain. Time to shake the disease from my mind; from my trembling hands. Everything is numb, yet amplified to an agonizing extreme. It's as if my Michael was only a dream.

Why can't I shake this off? Why can't I run? Why can't I eat? Why can't I sleep? Why can't I just stop and let this shit go? Nothing seems to matter.

I glance at the clock at random and it's 3:39 AM. At 3:39am, just 3 days ago, Michael said hello to Dave: "hey what up". I can't even look at the clock without being stabbed in the gut.

Part of me feels proud that I haven't picked up the knife I dream about. Part of me feels cowardly; disgusted with myself for thinking it, and even more so for not just doing it. My thoughts jumble through my head and collide; often times, completely contradicting the thought before.

Mollie says I'm grieving. That sounds about right. I'm grieving for the man I loved who didn't exist. Or he existed for nearly 2 months and then died without me noticing... How could I not have noticed? How could I not have known? I feel so stupid and dirty...and now a tear falls. I've shed only 5 tears so far. They threaten to boil up out of me, and I may feel better once they do, but I'm afraid of what I'll do if I give in a lose control.

I think I need help, yet I want to be alone. Everything seems so pointless now. I know I've felt this way before, but I don't remember how I found my way out and I'm lost inside my own head. Every now and again a voice breaks through, be it Mark, Mollie or Michael; the MMM. When their voices reach me I have moments of relief. But then the moments pass and the madness devours me again. I wonder if this is how my father lost his mind...

4:02am. 3 days and 20 minutes after he told Dave he'd meet him in 20 minutes. 3 days ago at this time he was driving or arriving...diving down on the floor. And the sad thing is, it wasn't the first time, or the 2nd, or the 3rd. He's sleeping behind me right now. He wanted to be sure I wouldn't hurt myself, but I don't have to use a knife to do that. I'm suffering right now.

Just give me time. Just give me time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:02 AM
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I'm experiencing moments of sanity. I feel almost normal. It can't be this easy, can it? But of course it's not. Yet I feel less dazed.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:20 AM
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I cuddled with Michael until he left. It was like a ghost of a memory. Like the Michael I'd known had been dying since the revelations of his indiscretions and I was watching him take his final breaths. It was calm, yet sad, and painful. I kissed his chest and his face. I touched and smelled his skin.

I need time. I need time to get over the Michael I lost. Time to accept the Michael I just found out about if I can. Time to make peace with this torture. Time to find my joy again. Time will tell if I can ever find anything with this new Michael. I can't say what it is that I want right now, because I simply don't know. Time will tell.

When Michael got up, we stood and hugged goodbye. We kissed and he pushed for the kiss to be more and I turned away. I need time I said. Time to make myself sane. Time to think.

I marched the ghost of Michael downstairs and as he stood in the morning air of the doorway I hugged him again and kissed him goodbye. He told me, sadly, to take care of myself. "You too." And then I watched him walk away across the lawn, superimposed over an image of the first time I saw him in person, walking over that lawn to my door, and into my world.

I need time. I know that's what I need. I don't know what's to come. I don't know anything really.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:02 AM
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The suffering, mourning continues. I miss him so fucking much. I'm going to try to sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:03 AM
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Trying to sleep turned into updating Facebook, friending someone I meant to friend a month ago, then randomly walking out my front door and sitting on the concrete steps, listening to the insects & birds, while watching a chipmunk. It didn't make me feel any better though. Still feel lonely on my own, which I've not felt since last October I think. I still have no appetite and no real urge to sleep; I just know that I need those things.

Michael bought me a Snickers bar and left here when he left. I tried it (though it's packed full of crap my body doesn't need) and it wasn't that bad. I was good and didn't more of it. I just think I should be putting better things into my body.

I miss him. I'm crumbling.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:25 AM
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I'm hypnotized by everything. Maybe I really will try to sleep now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:32 AM
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I managed to sleep about an hour. A text from Michael woke me up. He's staying home from work today. When I get a text my phone makes a noise, and if I don't look at the text within a minute or so, my phone beeps. The beep woke me up, and I was trying to figure out why my phone was making that noise... I tried but failed to get back to sleep. I almost drifted off a couple times, but then it was like I suddenly realized I was going to be a sleep and it snapped me out of it. I feel physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted, yet I can't sleep? What's up with that?

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:43 AM
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I forced myself to eat some tofu, though I find all food repugnant at the moment. This, when just days ago I was wolfing the stuff down with cheese and bread. I'm fine drinking liquids... It scares me because I was doing so well with food, and now I'm back to not wanting anything again...and I'm worried I might be stuck here now. My brain connects my eating better with dating Michael. Though I don't believe Michael was the catalyst for that transformation, the two events are impossible to separate in my mind's eye.

I'll try to keep the food down. But other than that I'll concentrate on rehydrating myself today. Water, Boost and Juice. I know it's not much but I'm making a real effort to getting back to normal, which seems IMPOSSIBLE right now. I'm just trying to fight off that doom and gloom sensation. Give me some credit.

Especially as I'm being haunted.

There's the remains of a bottle of Beringer White Zinfandel on my desk. I've been meaning to toss it, but now it hits me that Michael bought it for me. And I noticed his bottle of coke, and 2 bottles of raspberry alcohol in the fridge. The snickers with the bite taken out of it sits on my desk as well. Along with the DVD featuring Michael & I riding the Raptor at Cedar Point on August 6, 2009. That seems like so long ago; so far removed from the recent discovery of his betrayal, yet he was cheating on me even then, and had been for over a month. The Dune book I'm reading was meant to be the first in a series to get me to the Dune book that Michael had bought me. I was hoping to get the section of my DCAU Project featuring Superman / Batman done before Michael got back to those shows so he could see them in the proper order. "Watchmen", "Labyrinth", "The Thing" DVD's stare back at me. "Watchmen" is especially biting; I know he saw that movie in the theater with Sean; one of the boys he barebacked in June, and the boy who eventually drew my attention to Michael's dishonesty. Books on the book shelf; Buffy graphic novels on the floor. Earlier I remembered seeing "Wolverine" "T4" & "Harry Potter 6" with Michael in the theater. The Wii System; something I'd never played or had any interest in before I met Michael, mocks me. Super Mario Party 8. I played that with Michael & Mollie, which snacking on M&Ms. I learned how to Wii Bowl from Michael. I've played all those games with him I think, and the 1 or 2 I haven't seems out of place. "Rights of Passage" on my movie shelf reminds me that Michael watched that once in my room, on his computer, with his headphones on. The computer he used to hook up with other men. I noted how little money I have in my bank account, and remembered this was because of the gifts that I'd bought Michael: Roswell Season 3, and a book of Charmed Spells. My sheets and pillow cases still smell like Michael. I'm ashamed to admit they've not been washed since we had sex there on Friday. The sheets are nearly pulled off the bed, just as they are everytime Michael sleeps there. There are candles on my desk given to me at a candle party Michael took me to at his friends' home; their garage was used for my birthday party, thrown on August 15 - and a picture I took of Michael that day (which I was ever so proud of) was used by him to procure sex online.

It all washes over me again, and again. And I can't make it stop. I'm trying to make it stop. But the food has no allure; the food has no flavor. The weather isn't very appealing. And everything reminds me of what I lost months ago without even knowing it.

And despite all of that, I hope that Michael finds his lost cat, who disappeared yesterday. Despite all of that I miss him more than I feel I can bare.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:37 AM
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Everything's jumbled.

I hate this.

I hate myself.

This can't be happening.

And why can't I fucking drag myself away from the computer?

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:06 AM
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After the last entry, I spoke to Mollie on the phone. She's started watching LOST and is about half way through Season 1. There was a package delivery somewhere in there, and a freaking encounter with a large furry brown recluse spider, before Mollie made me laugh harder than I have in days. Jennifer called me at 12:04pm, and I let Mollie go so I could talk to her. Mark had told her yesterday (with my permission) a very bare boned explanation of why I sounded depressed. She asked for details and I gave them. She knew I was thinking about suicide and begged me to stay alive...and I openly wept for the first time since Monday; great wracking sobs. Jennifer talked to Mark and he took another day off of work to be here. Jennifer will be visiting late tonight.

After the phone conversation, Michael left a comment on my last entry, at 2:09pm. I called Michael back at 2:19pm. We talked. I told him that I did hate him for the cruel and and hurtful things that he'd done to me; that he may have gotten lost in something, but he went there willingly, multiple times. I hate him for fucking up my life, eating, trust...and making me want to die again. I wouldn't let him end the conversation on his terms; I took some of my power back. I made sure he knew we haven't been boyfriends since he left this morning. I again told him I needed time, but that I wasn't sure I'd ever get to a place where I could want him back...which hurts me, even though it's the truth, because I'd like to think that the boy I thought was real actually existed and that I could win him back from the dark side or whatever...but I just don't know if I'll want that once I'm in sane territory again. I ended the conversation letting him know that I would talk to him again.

At 3:08, right as I was getting into bed to try to sleep, after feeling better than I had in many hours, Michael texted me. The text made me smile. I slept from about 3:20-6:30. That's the most I've slept at one time in days.

I woke up with my stomach in knots. I've had diarrhea since Monday. I took some pepto yesterday, and that perhaps accounted for the pain I was in at that time. Once it had passed, I went back to my bed and noticed my phone was blinking. Michael had texted me at 3:52pm. Then at 4:48 had left a comment on my 9:43 am entry. Then when I sat at my computer I found that he'd also said hello to me on my AIM (which I'd left on) at 5:22 pm. I didn't know how to respond to these messages.

Just then, my phone (which was on silent running) starting blinking with an unknown number from Virginia. I answered and it was my dear friend Amber. She wasn't calling because she knew something was wrong, though she quickly grew concerned when hearing my ragged voice. She asked. I told. I shook. I very nearly cried again. She was shocked, as she had heard me speak of Michael before and seen pictures of us, and thought (just like me and some of my other friends) that he was different, and things with him were better than anything I'd had in over a decade. She was worried for me. But she had a surprise. She's gonna be in Michigan in 3 weeks time (or there abouts). When she said 3 weeks, I immediately heard Michael's voice in my head saying that 3 weeks ago he had sex with Brad in a hotel room near the airport. I tried to cover my surge of pain and we ended our conversation.

There was a blog entry I wrote at 10:37 am that I had originally kept private; invisible to everyone but me. I can do that. I don't like to do it though. And when I realized the reason I was doing was to protect Michael, I realized I had to let that go and openly post it, so I did that.

I took some prilosec with cranberry juice. The juice tasted good and felt cool going down. I hope it helps me in some way. Mark had woken from a nap when I ran downstairs and followed to make sure everything was ok. I covered all this information with him. He put his hand on my head and told me things will get better. He's been such a comfort the last few days. My friends are pulling through for me. I know I need them and without them I'd be dead. Sometimes I hate them for keeping me alive...but not always.

This is just a very dark time for me. It's comparable to other experiences I have had, but never on this level of insult. I feel like Michael took my trust and raped it. Like Micahel raped me every time he had sex with me without telling me that he was fucking other guys. He took something I cherrished and made me an unknowning victim. I appreciate his words on many levels, but I fear that he really will change, and having been hurt so terribly by his actions and lies that I won't benefit at all from these changes. I fear he'll find the happiness I thought we had, with someone else...and that when I'm ready, IF I'm ever ready to trust him again, he'll be with someone else. I've experienced that a couple times with past breakups. I'm just the guy that everyone learns from so they can fall in love for real. Ask Travis. Ask Shawn.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:27 PM
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I went to Facebook and updated some stuff; replied to other things. Noticed that Michael, posting about how bad he feels, is still using that picture. I left some comments to let him know I was ok, and for him to please change that picture as it hurts me to see it now.

The thought occurs to me: why is Michael changing his e-mail account now that I know that his account wasn't hacked?

My phone is charging as it was very nearly dead. I might lay down again for a bit. The ringer is off on my phone, so any friends calling shouldn't worry that I've offed myself. Plus Mark is around and I doubt he'd let that happen. I'm not trying to ignore anyone; I just want to get more sleep if I can.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:00 PM
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I feel some satisfaction at winning a game of spider solitaire. Try to sleep now, though my tummy's a bit upset.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:25 PM
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   Friday, September 11, 2009

I slept from about 9:40pm - 1:30am. That's an improvement. I woke up happy, with giddy memories of exciting and funny dreams. And then I remembered Michael. I struggled to not think about him, but it all came bubbling up. While this sucks, I see this as a good sign. I actually considered not thinking about Michael and was able to keep juice down and sleep, plus I was relaxed when I went to bed. Somewhere in my mind I know these peace filled intervals will grow in number and length. I just have to hold on until they do.

When I got out of bed, I found that I had some texts. Jennifer didn't come over as I was asleep, but she's coming over tomorrow evening. Michael texted me at 11:45pm to let me know that his cat Misty has returned home. I'm glad.

I made a decision. I went to Mark and asked for a box. I'm going to box up as much stuff that reminds me of Michael and set it aside. I'm not going to burn it or toss it out, but I need to keep some of the painful stuff away from me until my mind can handle seeing such things.

I had some more cranberry juice, but was worried it would come back up and didn't enjoy it as much as earlier.

I took a shower, and just before I was to use it, I chose not to use the body wash that Michael had bought me. I sat it aside and decided I'll dump it and box the sweet smelling container, along with Michael's toothbrush and toothpaste. It's probably some weakness of mine that I don't just toss these things, but I have stuff like this from past relationships and I know that eventually they serve as a kind of headstone to the relationship that was.

Looking at the date & time I'm assailed by memories, both mine, and his. 3 weeks ago at around this time Michael was chatting with someone about sex. At 2:52 he left to meet this guy on N. Huron in Ypsi; not that far from where I live; after fucking that guy, later in the morning he sought out another fling, though he apparently didn't didn't accomplish his target goal - though a few hours after that he arrived at my house to take me to his grandmother's funeral. Last week around this time Michael and I were having sex for what was to be the last time in that relationship, though I didn't know it at the time. I took some grat pictures of my unfaithful boyfriend fucking me bareback; I thought them so beautiful and hot at the time. Now they just scare the hell out of me.

Michael just texted me. He wants to talk. I think I might be crying again soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:28 AM
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So the text from Michael (see end of last entry) was asking me to call him, and I didn't think I could handle hearing his voice so I chose to chat on AIM instead. I was very clear about what I needed and wanted. I thought the conversation was going well, until Michael started making references to cutting himself. Now, you might wonder why I would care about that in my current state, but as most of my close friends will tell you, I've had an abnormal amount of contact with suicides and so when people say things that maybe they don't mean, I jump into action without thinking about it. I tried calling his roomie Melissa's phone but it went right to voicemail. I got Mark up and we drove out to Michael's house.

Mark understood my feelings and supported us going. He knows me so well. And he's really been there for me this week. He could have been a prick about Michael and I breaking up...but he's been very understanding, and supportive of Michel, even as he's voiced his anger at Michael's behavior and how his trust has been broken. Mark and I, for now, are on the same page, and that's been...well, it's made all the difference.

When we got there Mark stayed in the car. We didn't discuss it; I just stormed in and Mark stayed behind. Michael was on the couch with a knife in his hand. He told me to get out. I took the knife and demanded he show me his arms. He hadn't broken the skin, but he'd pressed into it. I remember that sensation. He thought the knife was too dull, but it looked and felt pretty wicked to me; he could have done major damage with it. Thankfully he didn't.

That must sound pretty hypocritical coming from someone who's just spent a lot of time talking about wanting to cut himself, but the thing is...I didn't do it. I'm a cutter from way back, with the scars to prove it, but I've managed to not go there in nearly 13 years (October 4 will mark the occasion). Talking about it helps me not do it. If I keep it bottled up and go all secretive it tends to explode in a bloody swath. But even when I talk about it, it's still very hard to resist the urge. I wouldn't wish that desire on anyone. I'm sure anyone who's been a cutter and is reading this will understand.

Michael still wanted me to leave, but I wouldn't go. I played with his cats. For some reason they just didn't bother me this time. We talked. And talked. I didn't back down on any of my anger or fear or pain, but I didn't hold back on my other feelings for and about him either. It was very nearly cathartic, and I think being there with him, in that state of mind, did me a world of good. When I was pretty sure the blood moment had passed, and we were pretty chill, I took my leave.

I wanted to kiss him goodbye, but I chose not too. I didn't want to confuse things anymore than they already were. There's something between us and there always will be. What it will become after this is impossible to say. I have much anger and pain to work through; none of it fun. But when I left Michael's house I felt like myself again, and not the crazy person I've been since Monday. There have been a few wobbly moments in the last few hours, but nothing close to the lost feeling that I was feeling before. I'm working through it in my head, and I believe I'll survive now. Though...I still need to get tested for a bunch of STD's which aside from being scary, just pisses me off, as I shouldn't have to do that now. Ugh.

Mark & I went to Meijer on the way home; we both wanted too. I was getting a headache though. I got snacks and in a major step towards having a new beginning, I got new sheets and pillows and pillow cases. I want to put new pictures up in my room as well; want it to have a different look to it, to acknowledge that my life is changing again. I bought a Pepsi on the way out and took my Midrin. I still felt great being myself again, but I did not like the headache at all, which had reached minor-monster status as we were leaving.

When we got home I opened all the sheets and stuff and washed them. I put some stuff in order online. I'm working through the Michael thing as best as I can. I dumped his coke and liquor and put the bottles in the recycle area. I tossed the snickers bar, and started boxing up some of the stuff that he gave me, or that he left here, or that reminds me of him. I need this relationship to have a clear break.

The thing is...I still want Michael. But if I'm to have him again, it can't be a continuation of this relationship; that would kill me. I need it to be new. Maybe it's all symbolism and maybe I'm stupid to want someone who just screwed me over so bad... And there are moments where I hate him so much it doesn't seem possible... But I think there's something in there still worth having and knowing and fighting for. And this is my way of doing that. Maybe I won't be able to get over the past and this will all fall to pieces...but that's not what I want. Whatever happens...I just hope it works out for us all.

And I think I've been awake for a really LONG time now. lol.

Some of my appetite has returned. I've been snacking on these Garlic Chips. Mark got me to try them back in 96, but they've been something I've rarely ever had. It felt like the right time to revisit them.

Jennifer should be here about 6pm I think. I want to go to Pizza House. I had there cinnimon sticks with Mollie & Michael 2 weeks ago and I want some more. I'll try something different to drink this time; I had beer last time. Ick.

I can't tell you how much better I've felt the last few hours. Though I still find myself wanting to know the graphic details of Michael's affairs... I don't know if my curiousity will ever be satisfied. I think he'd answer any question that I had, if he could, but I'm not sure. I don't even know if I can ask him. It seems to hurt him a lot to talk about it, and the other night it hurt to hear it, but the things that I learned then have all been processed and are fine now. I guess.

I'm getting really tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:26 PM
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I watched the 2nd episode of Glee. I slept for about 2 hours. Mark woke me up cause Jennifer was almost here and I got in the shower, feeling dried out (my eyes are dry). I got out to hear them playing Rock Band; Jennifer singing and Mark on drums. I need to finish getting dressed.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:06 PM
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   Saturday, September 12, 2009

It was good to see Jennifer, despite my exhaustion. We had a good night...though talking about the Michael drama made my stomach upset and prevented our planned outing. After Jennifer Left I cuddled up in bed and called Michael. We talked for like an hour I think. It was nice. It hurts less to talk to him, though my anger and pain have not subsided; they come and go in waves. After the conversation ended I slept for about 6 hours, I think. I'm enjoying my new bedding. After waking, Mark chilled with me for about an hour and then I jumped online and did some snooping...which lead to some pretty gross and worrysome revelations. I'm uber scared now. I tried watching the latest True Blood to calm me down, and it helped a little, but I'm not having a good time this morning.

I should get ready. I need to go to HARC this morning to get tested. I ate during True Blood and I don't think it's gonna stay down.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:29 AM
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After the last entry, I got dressed and ready to go get tested, but when I woke Mark to tell him where I was going he offered to go with me. He got dressed in a flash and drove me out there. 'Before He Cheats' by Carrie Underwood played in the car, which was hard to hear because Michael was the one to turn me on to it, and then the irony of it all was horrible. We passed the emergency room of St. Jo's and I remembered going there to see Michael in April. Pretty much everything reminds me of him, and makes me miss him...then I remember how badly he's actually been treating me the last few months; how he's betrayed me, and I get angry and weepy all at the same time.

When we arrived the sign for testing wasn't up and when we got to the office it was locked, with another woman waiting outside, who thankfully was already calling in the problem. I texted Michael to let him know I was waiting to get tested and that I was scared. He texted to say that if I'd let him know then he would have gone with me, but I countered that his being there wouldn't make me any less afraid. I was nervous enough about getting tested, but Calvin eventually arrived (he was double booked, which was totally not his fault). The woman kept saying "smitherins" and explained she was working with churces and was saying that instead of cursing. Soon we were in and everything was settled, though Cal (who had jogged from Saint Jo's) was out of breath and apologetic.

Getting tested for HIV at HARC is usually an almost enjoyable experience for me. I like the staff there, and usually when I go I have no real fear for my status...or if I do, it's based on something stupid that I did, and I'm trying to deal with the consequences of my own actions. This time was very different because while it's my fault for trusting Michael, he put me at risk by sleeping with an untold number of guys in dangerous combinations in a very short period of time; something I would never do, but consequently...it's like I did, without having any choice in the matter. So...this time was scary and painful, because I don't like to think about what he did. I was shaking and nearly crying, and Cal gave me a big hug before I left and gave me some advice that he told me he's not allowed to give. I know he's worried about me. I know all my friends are.

Michael had texted me during my counciling session but I had turned off my ringer for that and didn't get them until just after. He was upset and hurt that I was having to go through all of this because of him, and suggested I not talk to him anymore. Several of my other friends agree with him.

On the way home we took a route we'd never taken before. We ended up on Ann Arbor Road and I knew right where we were as I'd been there just 3 weeks (and a day) ago with Michael...just hours after he'd fucked an Itallian guy that lives in Ypsi. More memories and pain. When we pulled into the RiteAid we also found a BaskinRobbins. Michael went to BaskinRobbins several times with me; I didn't get anything but he almost always got these banana splits...

I waited by the car while Mark ran in to check for some stuff he needed. I called Michael and talked to him, expressing how much I miss him, and how angry I am and hurt....but that I don't want to be completely cut off from him. I want to be able to see and speak with him when I need it. I know what I'm going through is normal, but I feel like a fucking lunatic.

We came home, and figured we still had enough time to get to the grocery store and Office Depot before the big game makes the roads a complete disaster. Deb & Denny (our neighbors) were having a meal outside and Deb saw I was still upset and asked how I was. The truth came spilling out of me and she actually cried, and gave me some interesting suggestions about testing for other STDs.

We went to the Office place but they didn't have what we needed (giant Q-Tip things to fix the printer), and we headed to Whole Foods. I decided that I wasn't going to let recent events ruin my eating. I have to keep going. I have to make myself keep going. I got some trail mix (new), some Orange Juice (haven't had that in over 10 years), corn on the cob (not since I was a kid) a lime (new), non-dairy ice cream sandwiches (new), bananas (not since I was a kid), more wheat bread...and that might be all. I think I might make some more pasta later. I feel good about this.

I just had a frothy glass of pulpy orange juuice and it was soooo good. I'm trying to get in a better mood than I've been in. Trying to get out of this funk, even though I know I can't do so completely. I may be down, but I'm not defeated. Not yet. Hopefully I don't come crashing down too hard after saying that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:02 PM
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Had some trail mix, which I don't love. The orange juice was delicious, but acidy. I was gonna have corn on the cob but we're out of butter. I had one of those non-dairy ice cream bars, which was yummy. I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep. We might go to Pizza House later, and then the store to get the butter. I wish Michael could go with us. I miss him. And everytime I think about something to do, I think about having him along...and then remember. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:22 PM
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1 year ago today (it was a Friday) I put my 2 weeks notice in at Hollywood Video. It's shocking how much that still stings. Here was my note:

September 12, 2008

Hollywood Video
2360 Stadium Blvd.
Ann Arbor, MI 48103

ATTENTION: Store Manager

David,

This is my official two-weeks notice. Unfortunately, I can't be scheduled in that time thanks to the new Hollywood rules. I truly loved working at Hollywood Video for over six years but the company is changing in such a way that I find it impossible to continue working in such an environment. I wish it didn't have to end this way but there are no other options open to me.

Sincerely,

Jason Wright

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:29 PM
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   Sunday, September 13, 2009

I slept for a little over eight hours! Shortly after waking, I noticed some texts from Michael and replied. Then we traded texts and eventually moved on to AIM. The conversation was intense; dramatic; worrysome. I want him to be ok.

Later I worked on getting over a lot of the stuff that's been going on. That's sounds weird...but I'm sort of working on this exercise that I know will give me some peace. I'm guessing it will take me a few weeks but then I can file it away and not worry about it.

My appetite is back. My sanity is back. Things are still touch and go, and I'm very afraid I might have been exposed to an STD, but aside from that I'm improving. Things that interested me are starting to interest me again, and the world doesn't always seem so pointless.

I'll take a shower, and get dressed. Maybe make something to eat. I should try to get back to my book as well. Or maybe the DCAU thing. Not sure. I just want things to be back to normal.

And I know this is a controversial thing, but I want Michael to be part of that... The only probablem with that, is Michael himself. He wants to go back to what we had before (without the sex) and part of that sounds very appealing. But I also know I have serious pain and trauma to work through...and I don't want to send mixed signals or confuse things...though I have a lot of mixed signals to deal with.

I want him back.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:30 AM
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I did a lot of useless stuff after the last entry...but I did it well! And I didn't cry during any of it...so that's progress.

I re-tried bananas and I don't like them. The flavor is ok, but the mushy consistancy is gross. Ick. I'll take them in smoothies, but the real deal is just not for me.

I did take a shower; that part wasn't useless.

And then I got more sleep, with no trouble at all. I'm liking the sleeping well part, and blame my recent crazy talk on lack thereof. Though I woke up with my stomach freaking out. I'm hoping my eating more regularly will improve that, because for awhile there I was fine in that department.

I just took my prilosec. I had a Boost. I'll try a bit more later after I'm sure that's taken effect.

I might go to Macey's to get a new comforter today. My neighbors gave me a $50.00 gift card from there for helping them out of a tight spot a few weeks ago. I didn't expect anything, let alone something so expensive for just helping a neighbor out. But I want a new comforter (despite my attachment to my more-than-9-year-old one), and that gift card can help with that.

I also need to get some butter. lol

I'm in a good mood this morning.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:08 AM
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I chatted with Mark. I read more of my book. It was good to read again. I wasn't sure I'd be able to get back into this one, as it's kind of tied to Michael, but I've done it and I'm proud of that. I read about 40 pages I think. I love my new sheets and pillowes.

I showered and shaved. I left some facial hair. Don't know if I'll keep it. The shower was relaxing. I've been feeling better more often, but in the shower I had some pretty crappy memory stuff assail me. I'll get through this though. Each day it will get a little easier. Some days will be worse than others, in that I'll have set stuff aside and it will return, but I'll be stronger. I won't let this break me. I can't.

I might get a flu vaccine today, or if not today, sometime this week. I'll probably try some new stuff today. I have to keep up with that if I can.

Part of me would really like to visit Michael at his work today; he should be there by 2pm. My original thought on this was that he'll be working so we'd have to be more formal and there'd be a barrier of saftey about the whole encounter...yet I could still see him and I feel better everytime I talk to him. But his last sexual encounter took place in that vicinity less than a week ago. Part of me thinks I need to face that truth, and part of me wants to never return there. But I made it back to Cedar Point this year and conquered that fear...and I think this fear of revisiting places is kind of lame, and something I need to change about myself. The demons once faced may lose all their fearsome qualities, and free the thought from your mind forever. Like...movies and things that I associate with bad times...I just stay away from them...but I think in the end I'm just hurting myself because I'm giving those places and things power that they don't have on their own. Easier thought, than believed; easier said than done. But that's just how the truth is.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:21 PM
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I had one of those soy / coconut milk ice cream bars (they're really small), then had a tofu dog on wheat bread with vegan cheese. I took my Reglan to keep it down, and my E & B6 vitamins to keep the Reglan from fucking me up more. And water.

I got dressed. I find myself more and more wanting to wear blue clothes instead of black. This has been going on for about a year I think, but I just don't have that much blue in my collection. The weather is nice out, and I'm gonna go to Macy's to look for a comforter (though I LOATH the mall). We're also going to Lowes I think, for a water filter. I might stop at the bank; new week and all.

I might go see Michael later. I'm still not sure it's a good idea or not. Not because the place freaks me out, but because I'm not sure it will help us to see one another or not. I've felt better everytime I've seen him, but he's told me that each encounter has made him feel worse. I don't want to make him suffer. It's nice to know that he cares enough to regret his behavior, but I don't want him in pain or wanting to die. I don't know. I'll see how I feel about the idea as the day goes on.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:53 PM
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Mark & I went to Lowes first and got a water filter pitcher instead of a new filter for our system, which is cheaper and will work better for me. We went to the mall to look at comforters but the only one in my price range was HIDEOUS. There was one that looked perfect, but then it wasn't a comforter at all. :-0(

I decided I did want to go see Michael; see the place he went last week that nearly killed me...face it. We had to stop and get gas and I took some pictures of Mark pumping gas. Then we hit the road. I was nervous but didn't turn back. When we arrived I took some pictures for my own personal growth, then snuck into the employees only session and shocked the hell out of Michael, who came outside with me to talk. Mark took some pictures of us during this.

What came from this discussion is that I want to continue seeing Michael. The rules being that we aren't a couple; we can't have sex; he has to give me space when I need it (and I might need it often) - and if he dates or fucks anyone else it's over. Period. He also has to answer questions I have to the best of his ability. The thing is...I want to spend time with him, but I'm not ready for us to be a couple again - I don't trust him. I'm not sure I ever will again. But we're both having to be celibate until December, and we both want to see each other, so why not? If this trial run doesn't work out, then we can part ways and nobody can say that I wasn't more than fair, or that I didn't try. But if it does work out...well, we'll cross that bridge when w come to it.

I forgot to do the flu shot thing today, so maybe sometime this week?

Mark & I drove home, and we gave the bananas I got (but hated) to our neighbor Ziba, as Mark (and Ziba's wife Alice) dislike them as well. Mark is now playing Rock Band, and I'm trying to decide what to do next. I might take a nap. I might eat. I might work online. I'm not sure.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:47 PM
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I've had a mostly great day. But...I'm having one of those off moments where everything from the last week, or everything I've learned it that week is coming together in my mind and making connections with previously known events; connections that I hadn't noticed before. It's upsetting to me. I'll get through it. But it's going to take so long to sort through all this bullshit...

I was going to have some corn on the cob tonight...but I think I should just go to sleep instead. Get this stuff out of my brain.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:20 PM
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   Monday, September 14, 2009

I slept for 7 hours. I just woke up. I need to take my prilosec. I have no clue what I'm doing today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:44 AM
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I watched some Pushing Daisies. I laughed a little bit but it didn't solve anything for me. I need to find a project where I can put all this information and my reactions to said information, organize and exorcize the bad stuff; never forgotten, but finally understood, as much as anything like this can be understood. I need to take back my power. It's going to be a lot of work though. I'm not unhappy with what is (save for the fear, based on previous events); I'm more upset to realize that events that I thought were loving and safe if not always perfect, were in fact masking something far more wretched and painful. But only by looking that in the face and coming to terms with it can I move forward. I've already made great strides. I can do this.

I can do this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:54 AM
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I set up my water filter and it's doing it's thing as I type this.

I had a snack. I've had a bottle of water, and a bottle of V8 V-Fusion Acai Mixed Berry. I might actually accomplish that 'staying hydrated' thing today.

I watched the season finale of True Blood, which was ok. I think the show lost some of it's steam in the last 3 episodes; like in the finale I guessed a lot of what was going to happen before it did. I think the season peaked a bit early is all. Still, it's never really had a terrible episode, so I'll cut it some slack.

Mollie has been watching Lost (last I heard) so I should start watching that again.

When my brain isn't stuck thinking about the past I'm mostly good. And when I can't stop thinking about the past I'm mostly not. But I need to deal with the past so I can eventually enjoy my present and future. It's tricky.

I got a text from Michael at 2:43 AM asking if I was awake and to call him. But I wasn't awake, and now that I have the text he's probably asleep...or on his way to work or something. I don't know his hours, but I know he has Thursday and Saturday off. I had been looking forward to going to a family gathering thrown by one of his relatives that I was invited to...but I'm not sure it's a good idea now. I mean, for one thing, the guy that's throwing it met me at Michael's grandmother's funeral on the 21st of August - a day that now in retrospect is a source of great discomfort for me. And for another...now that we're not boyfriends, if someone calls us that I'm going to half to explain that we're not, and that could lead to all kinds of confusion and drama... But I like his family, and I enjoyed meeting them when I was Michael's boyfriend. I thought it meant so much that Michael was introducing me to them...but he was cheating on me the whole time, which kind of taints those memories.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:35 AM
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I read a few more chapters of my book and then slept for an hour. Mark woke me up without realizing it; he's in the shower now. I could drive him to work, stop at the bank and then get a flu shot on the way home, but I'm feeling more like staying home today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:41 PM
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Well, after Mark left I did some stuff online, and then made my corn on the cob. It was odd, as it was exactly how I remembered it from when I was a child; the taste hadn't changed...yet I didn't enjoy it as much now. I like the action of eating it, but I didn't enjoy the food as much as I did then. It's hard to describe.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:45 PM
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I missed my prilosec intake on the day I decided to have lots of acidy things. I'm not feeling good right now. I can now say that I've tried limes though.

The new trailer for the 2nd Twilight movie makes it look better than I want to admit:

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:35 PM
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I spoke to Carrie on the phone. She's unhappy where she is; it's nothing like she thought it would be, though she's making the most of a really crappy situation.

I talked to Micahel on the phone as well. I told him about a new puzzle piece of the past that I've put into place, and asked him about it. He's very sensitive about the subject of his indiscretions and accuses me of trying to hurt him, when I'm not. I just need the information that was denied me for months, and he's the only one who can give it to me. It hurts me that he could keep all that information to himself when it could possibly put my life at risk, and then when I finally find out the truth, he just wants to brush the past aside so we can go to the next level, but it just doesn't work that way. He says he's tired of being miserable everyday, but I might be miserable a lot between now and December (when my test results will be conclusive) and for some time into the future, because of what he chose to subject me to. I do believe he feels bad and some of his behavior since my discovery has felt like genuine remorse and change...I want to be with him, but not if he's going to pressure me to just skip over everything he did. That's not fair. And that's not even possible. I just don't know how he expects me to procede.

He also said that he hated seeing how this is hurting me, and I asked him how he thought this was going to turn out? I mean...how could he do something like that, over and over and not expect me to get hurt? His response was that he honestly thought that I would never find out. That killed me. I was shocked by that answer though I suppose I shouldn't have been. It didn't matter to him that he was putting my life or my health at risk while he was doing those things, but I held out hope that he at least, meant to tell me. I guess I was wrong. He didn't deny it. He just said he had to get back to work.

This scares me. This worries me. This fucking terrifies me. The idea that after all this mess, he'll just leave me to clean myself up all on my own... I've tried to understand and forgive and I've made so much progress in such a small amount of time. I mean, last week at this time I could hardly form words because I was in so much pain! He says he loves me. He says he needs me. If he leaves I guess I'll know that was all just more lies too.

I texted him my worries and he says he's not leaving me.

I hope it's true.

Anyways...I'm exhausted and should probably get some sleep. I might go to Necto later, but I might not. In the absence of it last week my love of deep sleep has been renewed; that might be too much to pull myself away from.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:04 PM
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   Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I went to bed soon after the last entry, a little before nine (I read a bit more of my book before turning out the light), and slept 8 hours again, though I woke up a couple times, once when Michael called. I went right back to sleep though, and I have to say again, that after last week's not sleeping, sleeping 8 hours is HEAVEN. :-0)

After waking up around 4:58, I took my prilosec and called Mollie, who'd left me a voicemail. We had a really great conversation, which like much of my time lately was both difficult, yet rewarding. It was so great to touch base with her and her input was just what I needed to hear.

After that I surfed the internet. I'm back to being super excited about 'Battlestar Galactica: The Plan' and Doctor Who and stuff, which is nice, though I wish it would just arrive already!!! I also worked on Michael's Farm. I find it oddly relaxing. Sadly I learned that Patrick Swayze died from pancreatic cancer yesterday. The article says he smoked 3 packs a day. So sad.

I'm trying to avoid the past for the morning. I know I can't run from it and it has to be faced or it will kick my ass later, but for the next few hours I'd like to just relax and eat and be content. I just need to recharge my batteries before I go back to the darkness. But I'm not worried...I know that I'll get through this, and I'll be stronger for it.

I meant to call Michael this morning, but he has to be at work in about 4 minutes and I don't want to pester him while he's there. Actually; he probably wouldn't mind, so maybe I'll try afterall.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:57 AM
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Talked to Michael earlier, about 8:30am. We talked about recent and future things. It sounds promising; progress is seemingly being made. We both hate where we are and we both want that to stop; we just have to get through this bad time if that's gonna work out. Hopefully we will.

I took a shower. Worked on some online stuff.

And then just now I got a text from Mollie saying she can't talk and that she thinks her mother is dying. I texted her back to hang in there and that we love her. As much as I dislike Mollie's mother for they way she has disrespected and manipulated her daughter... as much as I want Mollie back home, if this really is her time to leave this mortal coil, I'm heartsick for Mollie and whatever it is she's going through.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:32 AM
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Mark got a raise today. Though it was nowhere near what he deserves every little bit helps and he'll be getting an extra $200+ a month.

I met some interesting people today. Some of them were quite despicable. Ick. Others were merely misinformed.

I had some tofu / vegan cheese / wheat bread. Yum. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:57 PM
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   Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I talked to Michael yesterday around 4:30. We talked about his past and our future. The past stuff got me unexpectedly aroused. It sucks that I can't have him.

Later I chatted with Chris, my ex-bf Michael's partner. It was a great conversation and so nice to touch base with him again.

I was getting extra tired, and when I got up I realized I had a major migrain. I took my midrin with some food. I wanted to sleep, but I was waiting for Michael to call me at 7 when he gets out of work.

He didn't call at 7, but I was kind of out of it anyways. I called him at 7:32, and he was still at work. He said I could go to sleep, but I told him I'd leave the ringer on so he could call when he got out of work. He did, at 8:09pm, which woke me up. We didn't talk long, as Michael wanted me to sleep, and so I did.

I slept about 8 hours again. Good. Took my prilosec ontime. Good. Checked my phone for texts and messages (a habit I'm trying to get into as I suck so bad at it). There was a text from Mollie saying her mom is apparently stable now, and that Mollie would call me after she sleeps. I texted her to let her know that she can take all the time she wants and that I love her.

I jumped online. Interesting stuff online sometimes. I need to think.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:33 AM
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I spoke to another guy that Michael slept with, which both raises the number that I know about, and the length of time it was going on. This guy had details. It was helpful.

I later talked to Michael about it. There are times when I think things are getting better, and times when I think things are getting worse. And there are times when I think it will all work out in the end, and other times that I think that he won't allow them to. He hates himself so much and I'm so afraid he'll prevent me from loving him, and that I'll get hurt in the process. It's complicated. I love him. I know so much about him, and I'm learning more everytime we talk. I sort of think our relationship was kind of a joke. He was cheating on me in less than 2 months time; possibly less. Yet he introduced me to his family and called me his boyfriend, and introduced me to his friends and his work life and when he almost lost me it hurt him. He doesn't understand why I'm still speaking to him, but I'm beginning to understand it myself. He's broken. And I've been broken. And I just want to reach back up inside him and hold him and let him see that he's not ugly and he's not unlovable, and there are people that will stick around. I want to be that person. But I'm not sure it's possible. When you try to love someone who doesn't love themselves, it can go very badly. I just hope this isn't one of those times.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:31 AM
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1 month and 11 days until 'Battlestar Galactica: The Plan' arrives! ;-0)

I'm missing Michael a lot right now. And I'm uncertain about what the future holds for us, which scares the fuck out of me. Just...wish things had played out differently. But trying not to dwell on that part too much. Trying to make the most of what I have to work with.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just need to decide which ones are worth suffering for." ~Bob Marley

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:30 AM
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Saw the doctor about an eppi pen for my allergies. Stopped at Meijer and LC; first time I had crazy bread since Mollie was in the hospital; that day it made me really sick. It was better this time. Spending this time with Mark was nice.

It's possible I could get tested for STD's tomorrow, but I'm kind of dragging my feet. I just...I don't know.

Doctor Who Themed News - Air Dates for The Sarah Jane Adventures, which will air 2 days a week!

Thursday, October 15th:
Prisoner of the Judoon, Part I

Friday, October 16th:
Prisoner of the Judoon, Part II

Thursday, October 22nd:
The Mad Woman in the Attic, Part I

Friday, October 23rd:
The Mad Woman in the Attic, Part II

Thursday, October 29th:
The Wedding of Sarah Jane Smith, Part I

Friday, October 30th:
The Wedding of Sarah Jane Smith, Part II

Thursday, November 5th:
The Eternity Trap, Part I

Friday, November 6th:
The Eternity Trap, Part II

Thursday, November 12th:
Mona Lisa's Revenge, Part I

Friday, November 13th:
Mona Lisa's Revenge, Part II

Thursday, November 19th:
The Gift, Part I

Friday, November 20th:
The Gift, Part II

The next Doctor Who Special, The Waters of Mars, is also said to air in November.

I need to take a nap so I can see Michael later.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:55 PM
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   Thursday, September 17, 2009

I couldn't get to sleep yesterday so I called Michael and he came over after watching the rest of a 3rd Season Heroes episode. While he drove out here I wandered outside and had a long talk (mostly about food) with Alice & Ziba. It was so much fun that the time went by fast. The air started cooling down though and that was a discomfort. When Michael arrived and strolled across the grass, wearing the same jacket he wore when we first met, I took it for a sign.

There was a nervousness to this meeting. Now that we're not officially a couple, but sworn to see nobody else...things are different. We wouldn't just fuck. We had to talk, and we talked a lot. Some of it hurt. Michael cried. We asked ourselves sevral times if we could make this work, and I think we can, though we won't know until we get through it all.

Michael was hungry, and though it was later than I've been staying up we went to Pizza House. I got cinnimon sticks but they weren't very good. I had a headache so I took my meds. I was already tired, and pain killers make me loopy, and my Reglan makes me sleepy, so I was sooo ready to call it a night. It was nice though, and we walked arm and arm through the crowded streets.

It was chilly out. When we got back to my place he asked what we were doing and I told him what I wanted: cuddle time. He stayed the night. I fell asleep in his arms around 10pm and woke around 4am, not realizing any time had passed. I took some prilosec and then went back to bad. The cuddles were perfection, though the arousal was hard to deny.

This morning we did fool around, but we communicated everything and we did nothing unsafe. No oral. No anal. Just masturbation. It was still hot. And we both know we can't do anything until December, and that's if everything turns out ok, which it might not. Hopefully it does.

Michael is sleeping some more now. He has a doctor's appointment for STD's at 3:30pm I think. I might go get tested tonight. My first HIV test results should be back on Saturday.

Mark is in his room. He thinks he's found one of his old Army buddies on Facebook. He's talked about this guy for years and years, so I hope it is him and they reconnect, because I think that would make Mark happy.

I'm typing this, obviously. I had some Green Goodness (which I've found is even better if you chug it). Now I'm sipping a boost and gonna have a snack. I might watch the 3rd episode of Glee.

Michael is coming over tomorrow night to make Banana Pudding for his family's BBQ on Saturday, which I'm attending.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:09 AM
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After the last entry I worked on the cyber farms and ate. I watched the 3rd episode of Glee. I cuddled more with Michael, which was great. Then Mark encouraged me to make an appointment to get tested for STD's even though Michael had an appointment to get tested at 3pm. I called the place and made the appointment for tonight at 7pm. Michael left kind of abruptly. I called to find out what was on his mind, and he said he wasn't mad at me or Mark, but that he understood why Mark wanted me to get tested and it was all because of Michael cheating so he was feeling bad. We talked.

Michael & I talked on the phone a few times throughout the day, actually. His appointment went well, though it was uncomfortable. He was tested for various things, as I'm sure I will be. I want to be screened for everything. Michael is driving me to my appointment at will be here to pick me up around 6pm. He can't stay tonight, but will be back tomorrow. Being with Michael now, it's both easy and hard, fantastic and odd. Knowing what he did and what he's capable of doing is haunting, yet in some ways it's better than before because now I'm truly aware of what's gone on in the past and what we're doing now; I'm informed. We talk about the future and what we want it to be, and what we don't want it to be and we're trying to communicate more. So far it seems to be working, or at least we've made progress.

I've been thinking about the entertainment themed things I'm looking forward to seeing and reading...and trying to figure out a pesky DCAU puzzle.

I should get ready.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:54 PM
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   Friday, September 18, 2009

I shaved and got dressed after the last entry. Michael arrived on time and we hung out for awhile. We made it to the testing ontime, which went well. Anytime I've been tested anywhere the staff of whichever place has been impressed with my knowledge and my ability to express these ideas which some people have a hard time with in general; this time was no different. I was tested for Chlamydia, Ghonorrhea, Syphilis & Hepatitis and should get my results this Thursday. The results of my first HIV test should be available on Saturday.

After the testing, Michael and I went to Whole Foods. I got several new things, like Agave Nectar (basically vegan honey), a dairy free chocolate bar that isn't dark, potatos (gonna try making mashed potatos), some soy milk, more vegan cheese and tofu dogs, plus some tofu for deserts. I also got some more raisins. Next week I might get several kinds of pie and have a pie tasting kind of thing. :-0)

Michael came home with me and we both wanted him to stay so he did. We cuddled and watched BSG's "No Exit", then went to sleep. I woke up at 3am with Michael out of bed, getting a drink. I got up soon after he returned to bed, feeling slightly congested and like I might be coming down with a cold. I took my prilosec, plus vitamin c & echinacea with a boost and some water while I did random things online to chill. Michael has to get up in about a half hour so I'm gonna go cuddle with him until then, and maybe get up and do some other stuff.

Here's a list that I just made of entertainment type things which I'm hoping will amuse me in the coming months:

Wednesday, September 23:
Glee 1x04 Preggers

Friday, September 25:
Dollhouse 2x01 Vows
Smallville 9x01 Savior

Sunday, September 27:
Desperate Housewives 6x01 Nice Is Different Than Good
Brothers & Sisters 4x01 The Road Ahead

Wenesday, September 30:
Glee 1x05 The Rhodes Not Taken

Thursday, October 1:
Star Trek: Voyager: Unworthy (book)

Friday, October 2:
Dollhouse 2x02 Belle Chose
Smallville 9x02 Metallo

Sunday, October 4:
Desperate Housewives 6x02 Being Alive
Brothers & Sisters 4x02 Breaking the News

Friday, October 9:
Dollhouse 2x03 Instinct
Smallville 9x03 Rabid

Wednesday, October 14:
Nip/Tuck 6x01 Andy Hoberman

Thursday, October 15:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x01 Prisoner of the Judoon, Part I

Friday, October 16:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x02 Prisoner of the Judoon, Part II
Dollhouse 2x04 Belonging
Smallville 9x04 Echo

Wednesday, October 21:
Nip/Tuck 6x02 Enigma

Thursday, October 22:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x03 The Mad Woman in the Attic, Part I
Star Trek: Enterprise: The Romulan War (book)

Friday, October 23:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x04 The Mad Woman in the Attic, Part II
Dollhouse 2x05 The Public Eye
Smallville 9x05 Roulette

Tuesday, October 27:
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan (Unrated Extended DVD)

Wednesday, October 28:
Nip/Tuck 6x03 Briggite Reinhart

Thursday, October 29:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x05 The Wedding of Sarah Jane Smith, Part I
Star Trek: Titan: Synthesis (book)

Friday, October 30:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x06 The Wedding of Sarah Jane Smith, Part II
Dollhouse 2x06 The Left Hand
Smallville 9x06 Crossfire

Wednesday, November 4:
Nip/Tuck 6x04 Jenny Juggs

Thursday, November 5:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x07 The Eternity Trap, Part I

Friday, November 6:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x08 The Eternity Trap, Part II
Smallville 9x07 Kandor

Tuesday, November 10:
The Sarah Jane Adventures - The Complete Second Series (DVD)

Wednesday, November 11:
Nip/Tuck 6x05 Abigail Sullivan

Thursday, November 12:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x09 Mona Lisa's Revenge, Part I

Friday, November 13:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x10 Mona Lisa's Revenge, Part II
Smallville 9x08 Idol

Wednesday, November 18:
Battlestar Galactica: The Final Five (graphic novel)
Nip/Tuck 6x06 Alexis Stone

Thursday, November 19:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x11 The Gift, Part I

Friday, November 20:
The Sarah Jane Adventures 3x12 The Gift, Part II
Smallville 9x09 Pandora

Wednesday, November 25:
Nip/Tuck 6x07 Alexis Stone II

Monday, November 30:
Star Trek: Vanguard: Precipice (book)

November:
Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars

Wednesday, December 2:
Nip/Tuck 6x08 Lola Wagner

Tuesday, December 8:
Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince (DVD)

Wednesday, December 9:
Nip/Tuck 6x09 Benny Anderson

Wednesday, December 16:
Nip/Tuck 6x10 Wesley Clovis

December:
Doctor Who: Dreamland (animated)
Doctor Who: ???
Doctor Who: The End of Time (10 Regenerates)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:24 AM
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I've accomplished nearly nothing today. It feels like the day is both going very slowly, and very quickly. I read a scrap from my book. I took a very short nap. I worked on Michael's farm. I accidentally signed into his yahoo account (apparently). It's just a very low key, nothing happening, deadly dull day.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:36 PM
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   Saturday, September 19, 2009

Friday night picked up some steam. Mark cleaned the kitchen. I had several revealing conversatons with friends and family. Michael joined us, and we cleared the kitchen and watched him work. He made mashed potatoes for me (which I enjoyed) and then made this banana / vanilla desert for the BBQ. It was fun to watch and laugh and play. Things between us are so strange right now, so terrifying, yet so wonderful. It's like we're seeing each other for the first time, with new eyes. I'm cherishing every moment.

After all that we retired to my room. We cuddled most of the night, though Mollie woke us with a welcomed phone call, which allowed us to touch base and listen to each other's problems. I don't know how long we talked but by the end of it I was feeling pretty good, and I hope she felt a little better too. I took my prilosec and chilled for a bit, then rejoined Michael for more cuddle time around 5am.

I woke up around 9am and worked on one of my random lists (Caprica / BSG episodes) which was fun for me. lol. I'm such a dork. Then I wrote this. I took a break during the writing of this to makeout with my guy. We're doing really well right now.

Oh. I forgot that I (or rather we all) also tried this chocolate flavored tofu last night, and it's like chocolate pudding, but so good for you! I'm gonna try mixing it in a shake tonight! :-0)

Back to Michael cuddles for a bit, then off to get my results. (wish us luck)

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:00 AM
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Cuddled with Michael. Played it safe. Showered. Now getting ready for the results. I'm nervous. And this is only the beginning. I asked Michael in the shower if this is really what he wants: a life with only just me and he said yes, in multiple ways, and says he's tired of answering that question. But I only want to be sure because after these 3 months (if all goes well) I'm going to expect that forever and I just want him to be sure of his decision.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:54 AM
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   Sunday, September 20, 2009

Michael is sleeping soundly behind me while I type this. I have to wake Michael up in about 8 minutes to get him ready for work.

Michael and I went and got my HIV test results yesterday morning: Negative; Non-Reactive. This is a good first step. This doesn't mean I'm HIV Negative though. I won't know for sure until early December.

On the ride out to HARC, where I get tested, Michael confessed that he was scared too. He was afraid that his hurtful behavior could possibly damage me and destroy us. It was a confession that he might not have shared previously, and brought home how much this experience has changed us both.

After the negative result we returned to the condo, taking a different route. Michael worrying that we were doomed regardless of the results and I confessed something to him as well. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. If we come through all this in December and we're clean, and Michael has really changed, I don't ever want to lose him. This is statement that I may not have been able to express before, thinking it silly or weak, but having come so close to losing him, I know that I simply don't want to ever have that happen. But I don't want any more lies. And he has sworn that this will never happen. We'll see how it all works out.

We later went to Little Caesars and Taco Bell; the food was good. I gave my leftovers to Mark, who said that he enjoyed them. We watched another episode of Battletar Galactica ("Deadlock"), then got ready and went to his cousin Billy's BBQ.

The family get together, which was in South Lyon, was fun, though I didn't get to talk with as many people this time. There were still some connections made and I felt honored to be by Michael's side. I played with his niece Katie, and got some sympathy from his cousin Lauren. It was nice to see his aunts and sisters again (and his mother). It was what it was. And afterwards we headed back to the condo.

On the way back there was more conversation about us as a couple, and how very different we are. We didn't end up going to the condo, but instead went to the bank & RiteAid to get my Eppy Pen, only the pharmacy was closed. I got some M&Ms. We went to Whole Foods and I got more Tofu (the plain variety for smoothies and things), some Vegan Mayo (which seems to taste like the real deal), some Colby Cheese (so I could compare the real thing with something else I bought) and some more Green Goodness. I'd like to try some fake eggs if I could, with my vegan cheese and maybe some vegan bacon. It's something I'm thinking about.

Once home we chilled in my room. Michael had some more of the pudding he'd made the night before, and I had a vegan shake (using the chocolate tofu that I'd bought previously), which was yummy. . Michael had bought a vegan cook book so I could find recipies I might want to try and that he could cook for me - and he was thumbing through that and checking things out. He suggested that he might start eating better if he was helping me with foods, which I thought sounded cool. I thought that Mark was home in bed, but he called to see if we wanted anything to eat, but we were set, so that was that.

We watched another episode of BSG ("Someone to Watch Over Me") and then had more conversations about us and everything relating to us. Michael said he had questions for me. He asked me if I loved him and I told him I do. He asked if I meant what I said earlier about wanting to spend the rest of my life with him, and I affirmed that I did mean every word of it. And then he warned me that I wouldn't like the final question, but asked if in December we're good on all fronts would I consider being his husband, and I said I would. That must sound so crazy after what we've just been through, but if we can make it through that and get to December, then I will certainly consider being his husband, because honestly, that's what I want to be. I did however stipulate that I want a prenup that says that if he cheats I get all his stuff. lol. And it should be noted that while I want this, and I hope we make it to December without any troubles, I'm well aware that this is not a sure thing and I'm trying not to get excited about it. We'll just take it one day at a time and see where life takes us.

There has also been much talk of Michael getting rid of his cats and dogs, selling his house, and possibly finding a job and apartment in Ann Arbor - which would be really great. ;-0)

After that we watched the penultimate episode of BSG (the extended cut of "Islanded in a Stream of Stars") before we went to sleep. My stomach was upset much of the night, and I have some other troubles I don't feel like discussing here, but I slept enough, and thought enough, and cuddled enough to feel like the the night was a complete success. I also updated some bits on my website; mostly Doctor Who related.

Michael woke up while I was writing that last part and I tackled him, giving him a friendly morning wank; a safe activity, which he enjoyed quite a lot. He cleaned up and got ready, and I walked him out, with a big hug goodbye.

Mark asked me if Michael just left and I said he did and I told him about the pre-engagement-engagement thing. We talked about what Mark got up to last night... and my stomach was still upset. Erg. Not feeling well today at all. And I think I'll actually need a few days to recuperate.

Got a sweet text from Michael at 12:26 PM:

"I love you and miss you already. But my heart is filled with happies cause of you. It's all your fault"

;-0)

If I wasn't so sore and blechy I'd visit Michael at work today. I'd like to visit him this week sometime at his house, but I don't know his schedule yet. We'll see.

Here begins the ravings of a BSG fan, which can be skipped by anyone who doesn't care about such things:

I was thinking about Battletstar Galactica earlier. I was thinking about the upcoming BSG movie "The Plan", and how I think it will probably play better between "No Exit" & "Deadlock" rather than after people finish the series. I understand the allure from a marketing standpoint, to encourage people to watch 'The Plan' after the run of the series to entice them into rewatching the seres from the beginning, but I just don't think that serves the story of the series.

Here's how I see the series playing out:

001 Caprica: The Movie [Extended Cut]
002 1x01
003 1x02
004 1x03
005 1x04
006 1x05
007 1x06
008 1x07
009 1x08
010 1x09
011 1x10
012 1x11
013 1x12
014 1x13
015 1x14
016 1x15
017 1x16
018 1x17
019 1x18
020 Razor Minisodes [19 Minutes]
021 Battlestar Galactica: The Miniseries
022 1x01 33
023 1x02 Water
024 1x03 Bastille Day
025 1x04 Act of Contrition
026 1x05 You Can't Go Home Again
027 1x06 Litmus
028 1x07 Six Degrees of Separation
029 1x08 Flesh and Bone
030 1x09 Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down
031 1x10 The Hand of God
032 1x11 Colonial Day
033 1x12 Kobol's Last Gleaming, Part 1
034 1x13 Kobol's Last Gleaming, Part 2
035 2x01 Scattered
036 2x02 Valley of Darkness
037 2x03 Fragged
038 2x04 Resistance
039 2x05 The Farm
040 2x06 Home, Part 1
041 2x07 Home, Part 2
042 2x08 Final Cut
043 2x09 Flight of the Phoenix
044 2x10 Pegasus [Extended Cut - 59 Minutes]
045 2x11 Resurrection Ship, Part 1
046 2x12 Resurrection Ship, Part 2
047 2x13 Epiphanies
048 2x14 Black Market
049 2x15 Scar
050 2x16 Sacrifice
051 2x17 The Captain's Hand
052 2x18 Dowloaded
053 Battlestar Galactica: Razor [Extended]
054 2x19 Lay Down Your Burdens, Part 1
055 2x20 Lay Down Your Burdens, Part 2
056 BSG: The Resistance [Webisodes]
057 3x01 Occupation
058 3x02 Precipice
059 3x03 Exodus, Part 1
060 3x04 Exodus, Part 2
061 3x05 Collaborators
062 3x06 Torn
063 3x07 A Measure of Salvation
064 3x08 Hero
065 3x09 Unfinished Business [Extended Cut]
066 3x10 The Passage
067 3x11 The Eye of Jupiter
068 3x12 Rapture
069 3x13 Taking a Break From All Your Worries
070 3x14 The Woman King
071 3x15 A Day in the Life
072 3x16 Dirty Hands
073 3x17 Maelstrom
074 3x18 The Son Also Rises
075 3x19 Crossroads, Part 1
076 3x20 Crossroads, Part 2
077 4x01 He That Believeth In Me
078 4x02 Six of One
079 4x03 The Ties That Bind
080 4x04 Escape Velocity
081 4x05 The Road Less Traveled
082 4x06 Faith
083 4x07 Guess What's Coming to Dinner
084 4x08 Sine Qua Non
085 4x09 The Hub
086 4x10 Revelations
087 4x11 Sometimes a Great Notion
088 4x12 A Disquiet Follows My Sou[Extended]
089 BSG: The Face of the Enemy [Webisodes]
090 4x13 The Oath
091 4x14 Blood on the Scales
092 4x15 No Exit
093 BSG: The Plan [Extended]
094 4x16 Deadlock
095 4x17 Someone To Watch Over Me
096 4x18 Islanded in a Stream of Stars*
097 4x19 Daybreak [152 Minutes]

SPOILERS FOR THE FINAL 11 EPISODES OF BSG FOLLOW:

During the closing episodes of Battlestar Galactica (installments 87-97) we get a series of flashbacks & revelations; newly revealed truths about events we thought we understood but did not.

The first of these episodes is "Sometimes a Great Notion", which reveals that Earth was the home to the 13th Tribe and that they were all Cylons. The episode also features flashbacks of Galen, Saul & Ellen thousands of years ago, revealing Ellen Tigh as the final member of the Final Five.

2 installments later, in "The Face of Enemy" webisodes we learn that Gaeta & Hoshi are bi / gay; while flashbacks lay the ground work for Gaeta's upcoming swan song, including new information on the New Caprica Arc along with the answer of what Baltar whispered to Gaeta in 3x13 "Taking a Break From All Your Worries".

3 installments later we have "No Exit" which all but spells out the entire history of the Cylon race, revealing that Cavil is the villain and that the Final Five are merely victims of a larger scheme. The installment also features flashbacks revealing new information to several key Season 3 & 4 episodes including 3x04 "Exodus, Part 2", 3x12 "Rapture" & 4x09 "The Hub".

This is followed up by "The Plan" which goes back to before the BSG Miniseries and tells the first 2 seasons of the series from the Cylon perspective, revealing startling truths of scenes we only thought we understood the first time around, and shedding light on dark corners we never suspected existed.

2 episodes later in "Someone To Watch Over Me" we have flashbacks to Seasons 1 & 2 concerning Tyrol and Boomer (without new information), which is commented on during the final episodes of the series. The episode also gives us more glimpses of Kara as a child.

2 episodes later we have the grand 152 minute extended cut finale which has flashbacks to before the start of the series for characters including Lee Adama, William Adama, Zack Adama, Karl "Helo" Agathon, Samuel Anders, Gaius Baltar, Caprica Six, Laura Roslyn, Kara "Starbuck" Thrace, Ellen Tigh, Saul Tigh, Callandra "Cally" Henderson Tyrol, Galen Tyrol, and Sharon "Boomer" Valeri. The coda of the series also references 'Caprica Before The Fall" - a nod to the prequel series, and acknowledging that this is the true ending to the entire saga.

Viewed my way, 6 of the final 11 episodes feature flashbacks and revelations that change what we thought we knew about the characters and the storyline as a whole, while also allowing for the final image from 'Daybreak' to BE THE FINAL IMAGE. I could go on, but I've probaby scared everyone away already.

I just think it's cool that viewed in this way, the series comes full circle and ends it's run by looking back at what came before, while looking forward to what is to come. It feels very much like what I'm going through right now in my life, where looking back on the past is a necessary step to embracing the present and approaching the future. It resonates for me. Bring on "The Plan". ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:38 PM
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I read e-mail; worked on Michael's farm; ate; chilled; tried to not be annoyed with my condition. I'm doing ok. I just need to chill today.

Michael just called me; he just got to work. He went home from here, showered, watched 2 episodes of Heroes and then went to work. He let me know his schedule this week and what he's planning on doing, and what he'd like to do together. We'll probably hang out Thursday night and finish off BSG, save "The Plan" & "Caprica" which we'll most likely experience together as they're released, if all goes well.

I think my stomach is starting to feel a little better. It's possible I might get that flu shot today, but I also want to make sure I have time to work on my website today and relax - just to make sure I eat right and get over whatever is going on with me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:51 PM
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   Monday, September 21, 2009

My stomach feels a lot better, but not sure if it will last. I got some work done on random sections of my website. I have a bad headache and took some midrin, but it's not kicked in yet. I'm tired. And I miss Michael.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:38 AM
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I went to bed about a quarter after 1am. I slept for about 5.5 hours; woke up with headache still alive and kicking. Took another midrin and checked my facebook. Michael wanted me to call him when I was awake, but I'm going right back to bed. I'll call him in the morning. I'll text him now to let him know what's what.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:00 AM
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Woke up around 10:30am. Headache still with me. I called Michael but there was no answer; left him a voicemail; he's probably sleeping. I keep forgetting to ask if I can borrow his laptop again. The thing we borrowed it for before kind of fizzled, but then Michael and I had all that drama so I couldn't ask then, and now I don't know if he needs it for his manager's meeting on Wednesday. I'll ask him later (if I remember).

I took some more pain killer. I hope I'm not completely obliterating my liver.

I'm driving Mark to work so I can get my flu shot and pick up some meds at the pharmacy.

Looks like I missed a call from Micahel at 12:03pm. Says he watched Heroes until around 4am then fell asleep; that sleeping in his bed was no fun without me. Perhaps I'll sleep in his bed sometime soon. I can maybe take some claritin(?) or something so the cats don't kill me. It's a thought.

I need to get my ass in gear.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:47 PM
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Mark & I went to the pharmacy to get my perscriptions started, then went to Kroger for my flu shot, then back to the pharmacy for my drugs (Midrin and my first Eppi Pen), then to Mark's work to drop him off (though he helped me with some stuff there), to the bank to deposit money, and then home. I still have a headache. I blame the weather and my jaw. All through that I exchanged texts with Michael. I remembered to ask him about his computer this time. I need to call or text him to let him know if I'll be stopping by his place for it, or having him over the night. I definitely want to see him, but I'm worried my headache might make cuddling unfun. I'll wait awhile and see if I can't lose it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:21 PM
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   Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I relaxed after the last entry and just chilled for a bit. Later I stroked off, shaved and showered and was able to get rid of my headache. I worked on my website. I picked up Mark from work ontime and chilled some more. I'm heading over to Michael's in a few minutes (and I've been in contact with him off and on all day).

I'm tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:26 AM
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I got to Michael's a little after 2am. It was good to see him, though I was extremely tired, and I didn't feel like myself at all. I stuck around until around 3:22am. I got home around 4am I think, with my headache returning with a vengence. I didn't take any pain killer for it because I'd had so much yesterday (though still under the max suggested dose) that I didn't want to fuck up my system anymore. I passed out around 6am I think, though I'm not certain. I slept about 4 hours. My stomach is still bothering me. :-0( Oh well.

This week mostly sucks so far.

I'm gonna have something to eat.

I so need to clean my room.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:17 PM
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I had a nice snack. I rib rolled Mark; that's this exercise that he needs my help with, that helps keep his pain levels down. It's simple to do and helps him a lot, so I enjoy doing it. Mark left for work and will be helping me with some stuff later I think. I should have driven Mark and gone to get some groceries but I just dont' feel up to it. I'd like to get some cleaning done, and work on my website.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:59 PM
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I worked on Michael's farm. I did some chatting online with my ex-bf Corey. We exchanged drama stories. lol It was relaxing and fun. He's one of the few guys that I dated who had a good beginning, middle and end. It would be nice if he could visit us sometime soon; Mark likes to see him. And Mollie loved him too; though maybe because I think she kicked his ass at poker? I don't know. But it was nice. And if Michael is reading this I want you to know that I wasn't thinking about jumping his bones at all; I'm pretty sure the days of me and Corey in that way are completely over. He's just a friend. And hopefully someday you'll get to meet him! ;-0)

I also chatted with old time gay.com chap aarider. Interesting. Nice. He's very friendly, and apparetnly super hot to trot with my guy. Cute.

All that chatting got me to thinking that while Michael's gesture of deleting his online profiles is sweet, I'mn ot sure I want to be the guy that needs his boyfriend to not chat online to feel secure. Basically if Michael wants to hook up I'm sure he can find a way, so why get rid of that stuff? Or maybe it's a good thing. I don't know. I have mixed emotions about it.

Michael called me while I was typing this. He's having OUTRAGIOUS money troubles, so is super stressed out (and understandably so). He had to let me go for another call that might be helping him out (not sure though); I'll talk to him when he's done. I'm so worried about him now. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:23 PM
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Spoke to Michael. Sounds like his money problems (annoying as they are) are probably under control. I'm working on his farm some more. Then taking a break.

Michael let me borrow his old phone so I could transcribe the texts that are on there (from me / to me); I'll try to get to that after I sleep; probably tonight. I so need a shower.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:46 PM
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I took a shower. I started cleaning my room; putting away clothes, making my bed, washing my new comforter. Did more work on Michael's farm (got some grapes to harvest soon), and worked on my webpage (though I didn't accomplish much). My headache, which keeps weaving and dodging, is currently with me, but muted, and for that at least I am grateful. Today is turning out better than I expected it to. Getting stuff done helps.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:59 PM
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Having trouble sleeping. Very tired. Wish Michael was here to hold me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:41 PM
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I'm feeling depressed. It came on kind of suddenly. I'm not certain where the feeling is coming from; what the root of this sensation is, which is annoying. I'm annoyed and depressed...and I'm finding it impossible to sleep.

Oh. And the internet is moving extremely slowly.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:33 PM
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   Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I couldn't get to sleep last night. Well actually I fell asleep around 10:50pm and was woken a few minutes later by my phone vibrating; Michael wanted to know why I couldn't sleep. lol I think I finally drifted off again around 2am. I woke up around 8:30, though it took me awhile to accomplish anything (like moving or getting out of bed). I should probably try going back to bed actually. Get more sleep. We'll see.

22 days until Sarah Jane brings us back into the Whoniverse. 34 days until 'The Plan' gives us our last 2009 glimps of BSG.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:00 AM
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I didn't go back to sleep after the last entry. I worked on Michael's farm and read the news. I woke Mark up for work; I guess he slept a lot, which is good. The thing I borrowed Michael's computer for is working, I think, but I won't know for sure for several days; THANKS MICHAEL! ;-0) If it doesn't yield results this time I might give up on this option. Oh well.

I drove Mark to work and went to Whole Foods. I got cabbage, an apple, some romain leaves, more chocolate tofu, more vegan cheese, a bottle of water and more bread. I nearly bought a chocolate bar but decided I didn't need it, though I'd like to have my mom try this non-dairy sweet chocolate sometime and see what she thinks.

The kitchen looks kind of wrecked. Perhaps I'll do the dishes?

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:43 PM
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Talked to Michael earlier. Might be going to see him in a bit, to visit him and return his computer and phone. He doesn't use his computer as much as me; I'd be going crazy without mine.

Dishes are washing.

I think I'm going to get something to eat. Not eaten in at least 7 hours.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:08 PM
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Ate. Cleaned up kitchen a bit. Danced in my room to old industrial songs. Waiting for Michael to give me the word that it's ok to come see him. He said he might be home by 7, but another message said 8. I have to pick Mark up from work at 11; we're going to Meijer for Boost; also need toothpaste and toilet paper. Hope I don't forget.

I'm sleepy from my pill, but feeling ok.

And Peter Murphy singing "Cuts You Up" is making me all nostalgic. 1992-1994. :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:11 PM
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   Thursday, September 24, 2009

Left for Michael's around 7:30pm I think. Made it there in one piece. Michael had gotten a hair cut; he looked really good. He and David were playing Bash Blocks on Wii; I watched for a long time before Michael took a call and then I played for him before a neighbor girl brought us another controller so Michael, David & I could all play. It was fun.

Before I left we talked about the past some more, and I was fine. Except one thing he said tied into another thing in my brain and then suddenly I was grieving for the old Michael again. I have moments like that which are terrible. But my happiest moments come around Michael too. The sad moments are when I've forgotten what he did to me and then I'm reminded and it all comes flooding back. The happy moments are when I see him with none of that attachment and delusion. Another sign that it's important to grieve for what's been lost and to embrace what's been found.

On the drive to Mark's work I got yet another headache. I didn't want to take my Midrin though because I was driving so I toughed it out until I got there and then took them right away. Everything for next hour or so was annoying and painful.

Michael texted me while I was driving. Sweet sorrowful words. We're in pain, he and I, wanting to make it work, wanting to see the happy ending...but it will take time. Which sucks beyond the telling of it.

Mark & I went to Meijer. Got stuff. Ran into Aimee, a former Hollywood customer which was nice, except the pain in my head was really getting to me. About half way home Michael called me, but thankfully by that time my meds had dulled the pain. We spoke and then texted and then spoke again. Michael doesn't like seeing me in pain and wants to stop the hurting by leaving, but the thing I try to get across to him is that I'll hurt just as much (if not worse) without him...he just won't be around to see it.

I passed out after the last call, around 1am. I woke up around 7:30am. Read the news. Wrote this. Will try to sleep some more.

Michael should be coming over tonight after he gets out of work at 6pm.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:08 AM
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The new Voyager book ("Unworthy") has shipped, though I've not read the last one yet. I'm getting behind on my Star Trek reading. Of course that means I've have more to read later.

It looks nice outside; I wonder if it is?

I kind of want to drive Mark to work so I can go get more bottled water, but that would mean I'd have to pick him up at 11pm, when otherwise I could just be cuddled up with Michael. But we really need water, and going would get me out of the house. We'll see what I decide.

I just got done working on Michael's farm; just planted Pumpkins and Cotton, which should be done on Monday or late Sunday.

I'm chilling with Michael tonight and much of tomorrow. Amber wants to see me sometime this weekend but I don't know when. Michael has Sunday off, but not sure if we're seeing each other or not.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:17 PM
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I drove Mark to work, despite my stomach being upset. I then went to get more water at Hiller's, though I took a round-about way getting there to take in the view that I'd been craving. Came home. Read more news. Cleaned up the fridge a bit. Gonna shave and trim shower. I should clean up my room a bit too, and maybe do some laundry.

I decided I'm eating too much junk food again; too much candy. I'll try to cut the chocolate candy crap from my diet. I don't know how long that will last, but I don't want to fall into old habbits.

I'm drinking cranberry juice.

I feel slightly depressed again. Kind of...zombie like, even though I'm doing stuff. Feel oversensitive and numb all at once. Like there's no fun left out in the world for me. There have been times when I've felt this way in the past and I've used sex to pull myself out of it, with varrying results...but I can't do that this time, and it's annoying the fuck out of me!!! lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:55 PM
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   posted by Bald Jason at 04:39 PM
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   Friday, September 25, 2009

Michael arrived around 7pm and we went to get food (LC & BK). We headed home and watched the first part of the new Glee before Michael started watching 'Cheetah Girls' and I got a phone call from a friend out in one of the Carolinas. It was odd hearing Andy / Benjiman (the friend) talk about his hopes and fears and crazy fun romantic entanglement, when mine was in the other room, watching a movie, with me, but separate. After the call I went back in my room to join him for the movie (that was my plan anyways).

When I got back in the room, Michael was asleep, with his movie blaring. I woke him up and there were cuddles and tickles. Everything was going well, until I told him something I had done. I didn't think this thing was so terrible, but it really upset Michael. He's upset that we have to talk about 'the past' every time we see each other. This upset me and I got very angry; this 'Past' is something that I've only had 2 weeks to deal with (part of which I denied that anything happened at all - as did he) - and I'm stuck in this pit of depression and insanity, and he makes it sound like he just wants me to get over it really fast, and if I knew how I would, but emotions don't work that way; time is needed. I think I'm doing extremely well under the circumstances, and if my way of dealing isn't his way of dealing...that's really not a terrible thing - as long as I do deal with it. I didn't ask for this to happen, and I didn't make this happen, but now that I know that it did, it changes EVERYTHING, and that's a lot to deal with. Some days it's so horrible I don't want to think or talk or anything, and others I'm ok. I just...it's hard and I need time, but everytime the subject comes up he says "We're not going to get through this, are we?" - and I think that's really premature. It does feel like we've been going over this problem for a long time, but just over 2 weeks ago I thought my relationship was stable, and then found out that it never really was...and now I'm dealing with finding out the truth of the past 5 months, and reconciling all that with what I thought I knew, and it's NOT EASY. It's damned hard. I still sometimes wonder if I'll survive it. Seriously. And it's only been 18 days. To expect me to have dealt with that in such a short time, when I can only talk to him about it in short bursts, seems unfair.

Anyways...things got very ugly. And then things got very hot. I don't know how it happened, but his getting upset and me getting upset kind of turned me on. I went at him full force. I was only gonna do safe stuff...or safer stuff, but his cooler mind prevailed and we didn't really do anything but makeout. Score 1 for Michael.

Soon it was time to pick up Mark. I talked Michael into going, but after we were on our way it turned out he wasn't feeling well. He stayed in the car to smoke, and I went inside, expecting we'd be out in a few minutes, which stretched out when Mark & I were discussing random topics with his coworkers. When we got out to the car Michael was thinking about his grandmother and the funeral and not feeling well. The ride home was tense, but I didn't have to talk as Michael & Mark were discussing insurance.

At home, Michael and I were getting comfy, but he smelled like smoke so we took a shower. Went back to bed, but Michael wanted to finish his movie; even with headphones on I could hear it, so I couldn't watch Glee. And I couldn't cuddle with Michael. And I couldn't feel like he was even with me. It was annoying. I put earplugs in and went to bed.

I woke up around 5am. My throat was dry and I needed to take some prilosec. I read some cool Predators news and just chilled. I'm gonna have another sip of water, turn down the air and try to get back to sleep.

Smallville Season 9 & Dollhouse Season 2 begin tonight, which means I'll probably be watching them Saturday night?

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:01 AM
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   Saturday, September 26, 2009

So after the last entry, I rejoined Michael in bed. We had fun cuddle time and play and sleep and all that. We left around 1:30pm to get his oil changed, then stopped at McDonalds to eat, Arby's to see his friend Kimmy, picked up the car and went to his mom Vickie's work. Later we went back to the condo and I gave Michael a full massage. We showered then watched the finale of BSG. Michael left and I chilled; talked on the phone (Mollie, Carrie, Mark) and online (Danny) until I was tired then started a Trek book until I slept around 2am I think.

Oh. During Michael's visit, Benjamin, one of the boys that Michael had cheated on me with, texted him. Michael texted him back that it was inappropriate and that he was trying to work things out with me and that he loves me. The guy was gracious and I feel I have closure with that guy. ;-0)

I woke up around 5am with my stomach not doing well and went back to bed exhausted and sore about an hour later. I woke up around noon I think to find I'd missed a message from Amber who was heading to Ann Arbor with her boyfriend Russel and Laurie. I called her back and then had a half hour to get ready which wasn't much. I was feeling better than in the morning, but was thinking we'd just stay in.

When they arrived it was so good to see Amber & Laurie again - so much joy! Russ, who I'd never met before was awesome, and fun was had. Eventually they (including Mark) all wanted food and they wanted Pizza House. There was a football game today at UofM and the game had gotten out so downtown was CRAZY and there was obviously a wait at Pizza House so we headed to Red Robin, which took a long time with traffic and once we got there we somehow just missed the rush. I ate though I didn't think I should trust that food in my stomach; I was just too hungry; I didn't take 2nds though.

We left when Michael was about 5 minutes from the condo, meeting him there. We chilled for a bit; took some pictures, but the visiting team had to leave for a haunted house in Homer. Michael took a shower in that time. He's having a bad day; work was frustrating; his fridge at home died, and now he's paying his bills. We're trying to think of what to do. I'm sleepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:54 PM
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   Monday, September 28, 2009

I wrote this like 14 page entry...and then accidentally hit a series of buttons that deleted the whole entry. This has happened to me several times in this past, but this entry was intensly emotional and personal and I'm not sure I can replicate that here. I'm trying not to be annoyed by this, but use that energy to recreate what I deleted just moments ago. Which again...is something new. Usually I'd be so upset that I'd shut down for a few hours; possibly throwing things, or crying. But things are changing inside and out of me that I'm finding very hard to ignore at this point.

I continue to eat new things. The eating disorder that has plauged me most of my life continues to fall away. I don't know why this has happened, or what has given me the strength to reach into my past life and convince the child version of me that he's not to blame for my father's cruelty and that he deserves to eat. He doesn't have to stand hungry and cold in the dark anymore. I don't know how I've done this, but it's a huge accomplishment that still only a few months old.

I faced Cedar Point and faced some of the same demons, relating to my time there, boyfriends, and sisters. All tied into my eating. And I overcame them. Where this strength came from I have no idea. Again, this pattern of growth continued, and I was aware of it, and humbled by the hardship and accomplisment of it.

The recent twists and turns in my relationship with Michael are also an extension of these changes within me. I'm growing and becoming something else. I feel like I'm reaching a heretofore untapped potentiality. I'm aware of this, and I'm awed.

Later, after my last entry on Saturday Saturday, September 26, Michael and I dressed and traveled to Mark & Dan's home. We stopped at a liquor store on the way there where we had a funny encounter with the guys working behind the counter who were shockingly gay friendly and amusing, along with a pretty dark skinned woman that entered just as we were leaving. It's a bright memory. We arrived at our destination shortly thereafer. I hadn't seen Mark or Dan since my 35th Birthday Party, though I'd spoken to Dan the night before on gay dot com. Mark's sister Denise was there, as was her daughter Felicia. It was Denise's 40th birthday and a guy she'd been talking to on phone and internet joined us, named Rich. Denise was cool and reminded me of a someone I'd worked with at Meijer years before. Felicia was a 21yo trip, aching for Captain Morgan's, a trip to a bar (preferably Stilettos) and some hot lesbian loving, despite her man at home and their 2 kids. She said she also has a 17yo gay brother and that her dad & her man are both homophobes. She told me Michael was cute and her and her mom both told Michael that I was a huge step up from when he dated Scott, and that I was handsome.

Michael & I played euchre with Danny and Mark. Mark played music while we played, but the song "Before He Cheats" (by Carrie Underwood) came on and I very nearly had a panic attack. Michael introduced me to the tune, which I downloaded shortly thereafter, and now the resonance of the lyrics with what he did to me freaks me out far more than the actual events do anymore. I begged them to change it, which they hurried to do once I explained why it bothered me. Michael was supportive and open and that helped. Mark learned in this outpouring that Michael cheated with multiple partners and promisied an asskicking if he did it again which made me smile. But what made me smile most was having my Michael across the table looking at me and caring about me. It was strange and probably sounds odd, and it was, but it was very moving. It felt like we were acknowledging the past and our struggle to move beyond it.

We left after three games of euchre, the first and third of which were won by Michael & I. We left with hugs and hopes of seeing everyone again. It was another sign of our changing experiences and our growth. It was both wonderful and compelling.

On the trip home, Michael was feeling confessional. He had remembered another piece of the unknown history of Michael that existed parallel to the man that I had loved. He told me about a boy named Jeff he'd met on Craig's List back in July. Jeff was 26 and lived in Northville, which is near Plymouth where Michael spent much of his young life. Michael said that Jeff had proven easy to talk to; both online and on the phone. Jeff wanted Michael as a boyfriend, but Michael couldn't give him that. Yet he was tempted. Jeff has a nice job, and at the time, Michael was having money problems with his roomies and work and then there I was without a job and he didn't like that, though he had assured me all through our previous relationship that this was not a problem for him, as I'd never promised to get a job or owed him money. Eventually Michael told Jeff that he couldn't give him what he wanted and Jeff cancelled their planned for dinner, when they would have met in person for the first time. This was just weeks before my birthday.

Hearing this story, the job aspect, and that I was almost left because of my lack of one, was painful. I've been very insecure about not having a job. There are many times when I feel I'm very lucky to not be working because of my health, or because of some project I'm working on, or because I can see friends and family whenever they need me... but there's always this little voice in my head that says I'm a loser because of it...so his confession touched on that and I cried openly. Michael told me he was stupid to even consider a relationship with someone based on that kind of thing, and that his feelings on the subject had changed since then; that he'd crossed that bridge and chosen me. But this encounter has awakened in me an urge to work. I don't know what will come of this...but this feeling is one I've not really had in months. I don't know what will come of this newly resurrected feeling...my health is so much better than when I was working, yet my body is reacting to all kinds of new foods and sometimes the symptoms are most unpleasant. lol. But I'm strong and I suspect I can do more than I believe I can.

11:00 PM. Sunday, September 27.

I'm struck by the realization that in just 14 hours it will be 3 weeks since my previous relationship with Michael began to die, just as I too wanted to die at that time. I was honestly suicidal. And in the moments where I didn't want to die I longed to cut myself to dull the overwhelming suffering that came in waves of regret, blame, remorse, hatred, anger and grief. The only reasons I'm alive are the constant, surprising, caring feats to which my friends (and sometimes strangers) were willing to be there for me in my time of need. Looking back it was not something that I would ever wish to go through again or wish upon another, but it was a trial that brought home how lucky I am to have such resources.

I'm also struck by how my previous relationship with Michael is both similar and different than the one that I'm exploring with him now. The stories he tells me are an unfolding narrative that runs parallel to my history with this man which is both painfully informative and meaningfully poignant. It's a stripping down of that fictionalized happy land I believed I was mayor of, and a piercing, blinding light shining down on this man that I'm really seeing for the first time...the depths of which are both more human and more beautiful than what I thought I knew 3 weeks ago.

None of this excuses what he did to me or what he put me through. He knows this. I know this. But because of his past behavior, what we had was a joke; a farce; a disturbingly twisted version of the communication and partnership that our previous incarnation proclaimed itself to be.

He asked me last night (Saturday), how is it that after he hurt me so terribly, and so deeply, and so repeatedly...how is it that I could take him back and give him another chance after such hurtful behavior. He had seen my pain for himself; experienced his own shame, and did not / could not understand my forgivness. I think he questioned that my staying with him might be some sort of self flagellation based on my moments of self doubt and misplaced blame... But what he didn't see was that his shame was part of the reason I was able to give him another chance. I've seen his suffering. I've heard his confessions. I've seen / heard him speak his sins to friends and family alike. Details he never need have shared. I'm not choosing to love this new, truer version of Michael as a punishment to myself for my past ignorance of his misdeeds, or some misguided notion that I pushed him into his behavior. Though we may have had problems that I contributed to, he was an adult and had other options than those he chose to explore. He could have communicated those problems...even left me...or any number of less hurtful choices. But none of that is why I'm able to take this journey with him. I've seen his penance. I've heard the truth from his own lips. And that truth is what has allowed this current relationship to grow and become something far deeper than even I suspected it might. That truth is something I never expected to hear, though I wanted / needed it desperately. It was the fulfilling of that need which saved us from the brink of total destruction and gave us this new existance.

We stopped at Meijer on the way home. We got cranberry juice & snacks (me), and candy (Michael). We made it home. And were asleep before Mark made it home from his poker stuff (which I haven't metioned until now). Mark has been working for charity at some poker tournaments as a cashier. He got hit on by a stoner boy the first night, but I've not heard of his adventures since; I'll have to ask him later.

On Sunday we woke around noon I think. There was more talk of the past, which I find more and more satisfying, though it bothers Michael. It bothers him far more than it bothers me, though there are moments that the past overwhelms me, those moments are far less frequent than I would expect.

We watched the first episode of Glee. Later we had safe sex. Our sex life now consists of masturbation and oral sex with condoms. I'm pretty sure oral sex is pretty safe on it's own, and feel safe with a condom invovled. I'm drawing the line at anal though. I don't feel safe with that one, and I'm not sure I'm ready to go there on a emotional level either. Perhaps in December when our results are in.

Later we went to my Grandmother's house and I had her, my Mother, and my Aunt Marge try some chocolate tofu, coconut based non-dairy frozen treats, and some vegan cheese. They all seemed to enjoy it. I was hoping to show Michael the cemetary near my parents house but my tummy started hurting so we headed back to A2.

We went to the Rite Aid on Plymouth so Michael could get some oral glue. He had chipped his tooth on a piece of candy the night before and needed a quick fix until he could see his dentist. We also got tweezers (for an ingrown hair I've got) and some more candy. It's all about the candy lately, though I'm trying to eat less of it.

My tummy was feeling better and we were both hungry for Little Caesars so off we went. It was funny because Mike that works there knew what kind of pizza Micahel wanted when I ordered and that it was for him without me telling him! lol. Then when we got there, Alissa (who worked there 4 years ago) was back and was so excited to see me, just as I was excited to see her! it was so nice!

When we got out to the car I remembered that I had something for Michael: a key to the condo. I'd given him a key months ago (the first boyfriend of mine to ever have one) but asked for it back on September 10, when we broke up. I told him I was giving it back to him because whatever we are, we're together, and through his conversations with me and his telling me the truth that I needed to hear, he had earned at least that much.

We headed home, with me eating my crazy bread on the way. We watched some more Glee. I ate all my crazy bread, plus some M&Ms which was a mistake as it started coming back up. It didn't last long, but it freaked me out. It doesn't happen very often now, but everytime it does it brings back memories of how I existed for 7 years with almost everything I ate coming back up - and leaves me shaken and wondering why or how I survived that.

We slept.

I had a intensely erotic, leather coded dream. That's very odd, as I've never found leather or the leather scene to be erotic in any way at all. Never. I like leather jackets and clothing, but not in a sexual way. In the dream I lived with my parents and older sister and our old farm house in Milan, and nobody knew I was gay, despite me dressing in outragious leather gear. In the dream, there was a man that lived across the road in what in reality is my Aunt Marge's home. I knew the man was Michael, but in the dream he was much older than me, with gray hair. We had a secret sexual relationship. The old man Michael (who likes me to call him daddy) was confessing to me that when he'd seen me take my Midrin for a headache that he'd devised a plan in which he went to his secret lab pharmacy and created a fake Midrin pill (it looks like a candy capsule) and given it to me during my last migrain. I'd woke up in an elevator in a parker garage and assumed I'd passed out after drinking, though what had actually happened was that the drug mostly knocked me out and the guy used me for his and his friends pleasure. Instead of being revolted by this (as I would in the real world) I found this profoundly (stimulatingly) carnal. I thanked my 'daddy' by giving him a blowjob. Later, the old man Michael morphed into the one that I now know. He fitted me with what was somethink like a stylized leather diaper, with a buttplug in the seat. He then put into what was really a cage, but resembled a crib, high off the ground, with black metal bars that didn't reach the ceiling, but left no room for me to escape. He then brought in a bottom who serviced Michael while I watched and stroked. Michael changed his mind about the game and removed me from the crib / cage, and fitted me with a chastity device so I couldn't pleasure myself, then had me service the two of them. He tired quickly of seeing me touching the other man and had me watch as he fucked him. After he was finished and the other man was dressing and leaving, he removed the chastity device and let me masturbate and I sucked him, worshipfully. I knew the other man was jealous and wishing to be me. And I was so close to cumming when I woke up, cuddled next to Michael in my room.

I cuddled with Michael some more as I relived the dream. I still found the images arousing, though confusing and new. I spoke of them to Michael then wrote them out in my blog before accidentally deleteing them (along with a version of everything before this). I'm not sure I've quite captured the essence of the dream. It was not a place I've been to in my dreams before, yet one I hope will be revisited in future slumbers. It was incredibly intense, kinky, lewd, yet remarkably satisfying. There are elements of the dream which I've never expressed yet understand completely, while other fragments that I don't understand at all, which I hope will become clear in time.

One aspect of the dream, the watching Michael have sex with others, is something that I've long fantasized about. I don't know that it will ever happen in reality...but that in itself is a new desire. I've never fantasized about a boyfriend / partner having sex with others and found pleasure in that imagining. I don't know where that's coming from, but it's something I find stirringly provocative and stimulating in the extreme... yet that's someone tainted by the recent discovery of his other life with at least 10 other men during our supposedly monogomous relationship. Some of the sexual details, once revealed, arroused me even as the lies surrounding them hurt me deeply. I'm still balancing out those two powerful reactions; sorting through all the feelings and repurcussions of the truths uncovered, and the feelings they inspired.

Another aspect is the Daddy / Son play. I've always found that type of thing hot. Always. It used to bother me on some level as I felt it had to be related to my terrible experiences with my own father, yet as time has passed, I simply take pleasure in it, and nothing more. I feel no guilt or shame in relation to it at all. And if a partner doesn't get off on that sort of thing, I can imagine it without them actually reciprocating in reality.

The drug scene is something altogether new and not something that I would find stimulating in reality, but in the dream it was safe, even as there was danger. And I'm often aroused by scenarios in fiction or history (as if there's a difference) in which a person / character is all but victimized by situations they are helpless to avoid or ammend. I've had conversations with others who felt the same arrousal, but who expressed it better. This dream was the first I'd experienced the transferrence of that to myself since I was child, at which time I often had dreams of such things, to which I always woke with a hardon.

The home life aspect where I was so blatently gay and sexual is also new. In my dreams of childhood I'm often gay and sexual, yet always secretive and careful to hide my sexual orientation from my relatives. In this dream it was if I was shouting it to the world yet none of them could hear me. Interesting.

The overwhelming love of Michael in the dream is also telling. It's something that I'm experiencing in the waking world as well. The hardship we've been through, and may yet go through...has altered what I've known and brought us to an altogether different country. Perhaps we won't survive; perhaps I'm being lied to even now and this waking dream will end in tears, yet I hope that it wont. Yet if it does, will that not bring me closer to the truths I feel I'm touching upon even now? Perhaps. Yet it would be more satisfying with a partner, because that's something I've never quite achieved.

I'm not sure I'm making any sense...but I feel like I am. I feel empowered by recent events and strides that I've made, and this uncommon dream that I've had. I feel like I'm finally making progress on so many different levels that even my dreams are beginning to change along with the rest of me. Perhaps I'm becoming a butterfly at last.

And on the geeky side, I think I'm going to use the gift certificate Mollie gave me for my birthday to purchase Season 2 of The Sarah Jane Adventures. Thanks Mollie!!!

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:30 AM
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After the last entry I ate and Michael & I finished watching the 2 most recent episodes of Glee. We cuddled and talked during and after them; wrestled, tickled and prodded. It was all good. I love having him here. But we probably won't see each other much this week. He has Tuesday & Saturday off, but needs to do house type stuff on Tuesday. Thursday marks 6 months since our first date. I was hoping to reconnect with him online, with my webcam the way we used to, but his internet is down and most likely won't be back up for another 2 weeks. :-0(

There was a bit of a storm. Mark got home after 3am and told us about having another back problem. He went to bed soon after that. Michael and I were going to bed, but I decided I wanted some cranberry juice so I had a snack and worked on Michael's farm while Michael & Mark slept. I then brushed my teeth, ordered the 2nd Season of The Sarah Jane Adventures (coming out November 10, 2009) and wrote this. I'm ready for bed.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:02 AM
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I slept a few hours after the last entry. Got up around 10:30am. Michael got up around 11:30am. I wanked him off, with some hot talk about my dream. He dressed and left; he has to be at work around 3pm I think. He has tomorrow off, but I probably won't see him. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:03 PM
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I had put all of Michael's contact list numbers from his old phone in numerical order (which took 4 hours) so I could go to his T-Mobile account and figure out when all the calls were made and to who, and maybe help Michael remember who some of the non-remembered people were...only T-Bobile deleted his account sometime in the last few days! It was all there last week and I could have printed it all up (and Michael doesn't keep hard copies), and now I've lost a staggering amount of information. I'm depressed now, and my plans for the day are completely shot. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:19 PM
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I now have Michael's info, and his permission to call T-Mobile and try to get those records...but I don't like making those kind of calls for myself. lol. I get so nervous talking to those kinds of people. Also, I just ate, so I should probably wait awhile. I really hope I can get that information.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:06 PM
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Got the phone records thing worked out sort of, though I won't be able to work on them today, and once I do it will be a LOT MORE WORK than I had intended. Damn. Still. It's not completely fucked up.

Thinking I might go to Necto tonight. I might go help Michael work on his house tomorrow. I have nothing Wednesday-Thursday, though Thursday is 6 months since I first met Michael. Friday, Mark & I are gonna try to go look at cars. Saturday, we're hoping we can find time to look at phones with Michael, but we're not sure about that; I'll have to ask Michael about it.

I just downloaded the new Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters. I might watch those soon.

I'm gonna have some Jason time. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:59 PM
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New Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake), actually looks good:

I love Freddy! ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:06 PM
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Chilling. Sleepy.

Spoke to Mollie earlier. She got fired. And probably lost her Doctor. And she lost her insurance. But has apparently not lost her disability. Things look grim, but she's trying to stay positive.

Mark's on his way home from work; says he's pissed off...about work. I hate it when his work life sucks. He gets stressed and I get stressed. I hope this is something that can be worked out.

Today sucks.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:00 PM
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   Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The thing with Mark's work is mostly about his coworkers being dicks. Or not so much dicks...as a subtle form of asshole-ish-ness. They're not openly cruel, but the little things are starting pile up and it's really taking it's toll on Mark, which is both understandable and sad. I tried my best to do damage control; making sure his shift was covered, and letting him blow off steam. I took him out instead of following my own plans for the night; I offered all I could. I paid for his food, and let him drink, and drove him around. I gave him a massage. I was happy to do all these things. Mark deserves that treatment all the time, and he deserves to be appreciated. I'm not even sure they realize what they've done to him, but it's stressing him out and hurting his feelings. He's very sensitive to this kind of rudeness and it's pissing me off how they could do this to him, even if it's not intentional.

Mark is in bed now.

I didn't go to Necto, as my nap time didn't happen. I talked to Michael briefly. I might be going to see him later today, but that's not for certain yet. I just had a sandwich which was really good! I've been chatting, but I'm getting extremely tired all of a sudden. Perhaps I'll go to bed soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:42 AM
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I didn't get to sleep until after 5am. I wanted to, but was having trouble getting there. I woke around 10:40 AM, dressed and went to Mark's work where I spoke to his employer and another coworker about the little things that are building up at work that are affecting Mark in negative ways. It was very hard for me to go there, but I felt it had to be said, and was thanked for my efforts and assured that there would be no retaliation towards Mark in any way for my visit. They also communicated what they think Mark needs to work on, and they're right, but they seem to be placing the blame soley on Mark, when they haven't met him half way, which I think is unfair. Actually, I think his employer comes off as an asshole even when maybe he isn't? It's sad really. Anyways, I told them what they can do to correct the situation (little things like thanking him for his work) and I talked to Mark about improving his communication and how he can approach certain people to show that improvment, and make it more of a team effort and not all about Mark being hard to talk to. It's just so fucking silly, and they've completely failed him in this arena, but I think Mark has a real chance to take the high road and come out looking pretty spottless if he'll only take advantage of the situation. We'll see.

When I got home I told Mark about the meeting. He said he wasn't mad and that he admired me for my bravery. I got him up for work ontime. He's in the shower now, though he's usually still asleep at this time.

I need to call my new insurance peeps about an appointment that was made 6 months ago. I hate making these kinds of calls. I get so nervous.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:13 PM
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I drove Mark to work, giving as much encouragement I could; gave him a hug goodbye. I filled the tank on the way home. I woke up Mark's computer, per his request. I had a very small snack. I contacted Michael; looks like I won't be going over there until later. I'm really, really tired too. I might take a nap. But I need to shave and shower so maybe I should do that first.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:43 PM
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   Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I didn't get to take a nap before going to Michael's yesterday evening as I was wrestling with my doctor's office / GI doctor / insurance company, trying to learn of my appointment for Thursday was covered or not. Ugh. I shaved and showered and headed over to Michael's around 5:30pm.

The visit to Michael's was mostly good, but there was a lot of emotional baggage to work through. I feel like I should be over a lot of this stuff...and then I remember that I've only known about 5 months lies for 3 weeks, and I get more info all the time, and of course it's going to take a long time to work through and process and get past. Things that I've learned don't always connect with me right away, and when they do they are painful, but once I've dealt with them, they're in the past, aside from a slight emotional bruising that I know will fade in time.

For example, on the way to Michael's house, I passed the exit to Rocco's house (one of the boys he fucked), then went through Belleville (where he fucked another boy, who's name he can't remember) and this made me think of Sean, who was the guy who slept with Michael and then told me the truth about it months after the fact...I remembered him telling me that Michael picked him up from his house and took him back to Michael's place to fuck. I'd already had the ick factor in relation to Michael's bed, knowing that he's had sex with another guy there while we were dating, and has never done so with me... but then it hit me that this guy was in Michael's car. That they had to drive from his house in Canton to Michael's place, for sex, both of them knowing that Michael had a boyfriend...and the thought of that hurt. His car...I've always liked riding in it, and now... I know it's stupid. He's had tons of guys in that car before me...but this one was different. And it hit me really hard last night.

Once I'd arrived, Michael asked what was wrong and I told him, and we dealt with it. We're struggling to get through all this. Michael remembered another guy that he slept with...which was annoying only because he slept with him somewhere that Michael told me he hadn't hoooked up with anyone since we met. I know it will take a long while to get all the facts and file them away and then forget about, but every detail brings the past into focus for me, and then makes it seem both less threatening, and more realistic - putting the Michael I thought I knew to rest, and allowing me to see the Michael I'm coming to know in a much more honest perspective, which is what I want. I want to see him without any delusions of what we may have shared in the past. I want to see him with all his flaws on display and know that I love him.

Other parts of the visit were interesting and fun, but other parts worried Michael. He's afraid that what he's done to us is affecting me negatively. There are things I'm thinking about trying and doing that he thinks are bad, like I decided I was gonna get drunk last night (with Mark) and he didn't think that was cool... But the thing is, that's pretty harmless. Pretty much everyone I know drinks, or they used to get drunk fairly often. I've done it maybe 4 or 5 times in my entire life, so I don't see me wanting to do it every once in awhile as a bad thing.

After I left Michael's I picked up Mark from work (about 10 minutes late) and we went to Meijer for alcohol, plus razors and stuff for Mark. We rented Wolverine from Kroger. We went home, drank Black Russians, snacked and watched the movie. A fun time was had by all. It was very low key, and relaxing, and I don't regret a moment of it.

During the trip to the store and some of the condo stuff, there were conversations and texts with Michael. He wants to block out the past because everytime he remembers something else it hurts me, but I don't want that at all. My sister Janice blocked out the past and left me to remember it all by myself and though I know part of her didn't choose this, part of me resents her for leaving me there alone, and I don't want that to happen to me and Michael. I'd rather face it all together, and come through all this on the other side having conquered all this bullshit and live stronger lives as a result.

Mark & I went to bed shortly after the movie I think. It was maybe 4:30am.

I woke up around 10am. Again. I cancelled my doctor's appointment for fear that I'd have to pay for it without my new insurrance, plus it's just a followup and I'm fine. I spoke to Michael and he's probably coming over tomorrow after he gets out of work in the evening - as tomorrow will be 6 months since we met.

Oh. I asked Michael to be my boyfriend again. Not because of any revelation or anything. It's just that's what we are. We're a couple until we decide that we're not. To pretend otherwise seems silly. Hopefully we have a happy ending, but if we don't, I gave it my all, and I think he is doing the same, at least for now.

So I'm working on stuff today. Trying to work out the timeline of events. Trying to make sense of all the information. Trying to decide what I'm gonna eat cause I'm so fucking hungry! lol.

Michael is at work. Mark is getting ready to leave for work. I need to chill.

A spider was in my room earlier. I tried to capture it but it got away...and I have no clue where it is now. Creepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:47 PM
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